Weeds (2005–2012): Season 1, Episode 4 - Fashion of the Christ - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

For my cover business,
what about a bakery?

These will satisfy your munchies...

...and give you a long-lasting,
all-body high.

- I'm ready to take orders.
- Fuck it. I'll take it all.

Last week's buy,
this week's buy, my ring, my Rover.

You still short for all the shit
you gonna wanna take this week.

- I'll be back.
- I don't like dealing with things.

I'd much prefer to pretend
they don't exist.

Megan. Hey, Megan. Megan.

- Can you hear me?
- That deaf girl down on Dewey Street.



Fire! Fire! Mom, what are you doing?
There's a fire!

If there's a fire, I'll run, okay?

Otherwise, I'm gonna bash in
the smoke alarm with a broom handle.

- Andy?
- Sorry, Pants.

- I was trying to surprise you guys.
- Uncle Andy!

Hey, guys.

Yes. I'm digging the love.

- Oh, I missed you.
- So how was Alaska?

Alaska was so beautiful.
In the summer, you could party all night.

Then it got dark, and this psycho girl
tried to bring me up on charges--

- How did you get in here?
- I swear I'll pay for the window.

I didn't wanna wake you.

I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking.

Hey, you guys wanna help me make
breakfast? Silas, squeeze the oranges.



Shane, I need you making the coffee.

Sorry about the grease fire.
That bacon really spits up, huh?

Shane, go get a broom
so I can bash your Uncle Andy with it.

Come on, Nancy Pantsy.

- Making eggs Florentine.
- Don't call me "Pants."

Oh, shit. You?

Hey, Lupita. I know you missed me.
How about a hug?

- I'm not cleaning up his mess.
- Uncle Andy, did you bring us anything?

Of course. Look who you're talking to.

Get my duffel in the guestroom.
The black one, not the green.

- Stay out of the green.
- Guestroom. Guestroom.

I guess I could sleep with Lupita.

I do love the fiery Latinas.

Know this, Lupita.
Until you learn to love me...

...I got enough love for both of us.

How did you and Judah
emerge from the same woman?

I know. What family gets blessed
with not one, but two studs?

Okay, everybody gather. First...

...young Silas, that's for you.

- Awesome. So does it work?
- Yeah, for another three weeks.

Then you're gonna scratch off the
serial number and get a new service plan.

Okay, for Mama...

What's that?

- For your neck. You're always talking--
- Andy, this is--

Take it.

For my neck. Of course, thank you.

Lupita.

I'll put it in your bedroom,
next to the little one.

What about me?

Oh, I don't...

- Best for last.
- No way!

- No. No way.
- Come on, I'll teach him how to use them.

Okay, Shane. Hand them over.
Andy!

I'm gonna hold onto those
till we're in a better space.

Who's hungry?
Everybody go sit down.

Andy?

- How long you planning on staying?
- Don't worry, I'll help out.

How long?

Just till I figure some things out.

- Like?
- I don't know.

- My life.
- Sure.

That.

Good to see you, Pants.
It's good to be with family.

Come on, let's eat.

Hey, buddy, what you doing?

Just IM'ing my girlfriend.

You don't need a credit card
for that, do you?

No. Real girlfriend.

Megan. She's deaf.

Deaf Megan. She cute?

Yeah. She's totally cute.

Oh, yeah.

She doesn't look deaf.
She can't hear anything?

That's what "deaf" means.

Man, how did you get
so smart at, what, 16?

It took me years to learn slightly
defective chicks are the way to go.

I once went out with this girl
with a baby arm.

Insane in the sack.

Plus, when she grabbed my dick
with her little hand, it looked gigantic.

- So how do you talk to her?
- We just mostly hang out and stuff.

- You should learn Braille.
- You mean sign language?

- Whatever.
- What's this?

- That's mine.
- "Chris died for your sins."

- Is that a joke?
- Yeah, on me.

That's what happens
when you outsource to Malaysia.

Eight-year-olds in the sweatshop
can't spell for shit.

See, I was trying to jump on board
the whole red-state Jesus thing.

The fashion of the Christ.
I end up with 3000 of these.

Totally useless. If there's one thing
I learned about the Christ crowd...

...absolutely no sense of humor.
Should've gone after the Jew market.

At least we can take a joke.

Come on, Shane.

Look who's here.

Baby, it's "the early bird gets the worm,"
not the weed.

You need to read up on your Bartlett's.

My brother-in-law took the kids to school.
I thought I'd get a jump on the day.

- You want some oatmeal?
- No.

- Andy made eggs Florentine.
- Andy?

When did that fancy-cooking trouble
get back in town?

This morning, I woke up
and there he was.

Sort of like crotch crabs,
only not as treatable, huh?

- I forgot you knew him.
- Been hoping to forget him.

How did Andy and Conrad meet?

I never got a straight answer
out of either of them.

They worked at Circuit City together.
Got caught stealing together.

Got fired together. They go way back.

- Never should've let that boy work retail.
- You gonna need to come back later.

- We ain't got in everything you ordered.
- I got 17 food orders to fill.

Listen to Betty Cracker.

You got bunches of that crap last time.
You out already?

I've got some.
Not enough for what I need to make.

My crowd loves to eat their smoke.

Well, I could hook you up
with a little shwag if you really crazy.

Oh, shit.

I've still got the gourmet fuckup
in my kitchen.

I'm never gonna get anything done.
Oh, fuck. I'm fucked.

You've got a nasty mouth
when you stressed.

- You got a pen?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna give you a number, and you say
I said it was okay for you to call.

Who am I calling?

The Candyman.

Wear sporty shoes.

"Megan89. Are you home?"

Yeah.

"Me too. Sore throat."

Bummer.

What are you wearing?

Take it off. "Okay."

I tried to spread the word.
I eat here every day, invited people.

"Oh, it's too ethnic."
"Oh, it's too spicy."

"Oh, those people
don't wash their hands."

What the fuck is wrong
with these morons who go...

...to wait an hour in line at some
fucking crappy Olive Garden...

...and let a treasure like this
go out of business? I can't take it.

Doug, why are we here?

Did you taste the saag aloo?

It's to die for, and then be reincarnated,
and then die for again.

- Why aren't you eating?
- I told you I ate already.

- Where?
- The Olive Garden.

I wouldn't take a dump
in the Olive Garden.

I like the hot artichoke-spinach dip.

- I can't even look at you.
- Okay, enough, enough.

I'm sure the saag aloo is delicious.

Wow, that's incredible.

Tell me this doesn't kick
your artichoke dip's ass.

Tell me more. Are your nipples hard?

Come on. "Like shooting stars.

Now you." No, more you.

Are you touching yourself?

"I'm parting the lips
of my blushing vagina."

Yes. Good.

Keep typing.

What do you think about this place
as the bakery?

I mean, location's pretty good,
kitchen's already set up.

If you make something mediocre enough,
you may even make a go at it legitimately.

- Let me think about it.
- There we go, Mr. Wilson.

Twenty orders for you.

Remember to let them cool
before you put them in the freezer.

Mr. Advani, where will you go?

Oh, we just bought
an Olive Garden franchise close by.

- You must come visit.
- Fuck Agrestic.

Yes, sir. Okay.

Pay when you're ready.

- When are my treats coming in?
- I'm having a little trouble...

...getting my kitchen to myself lately,
but I'll let you know.

Hey, Lupita,
I was just thinking about you.

It's for you.

Wipe your hands.

Yeah, this is Andy.

Hey, Shane.

Really?

Awesome.

Yeah. I'll bring the shirts.

Let's say 15 minutes.

Okay. Bye-- Hey, make it 20. Okay.

Hey, get your original
"Chris died" T-shirts right here. Yeah.

Only 10 dollars.
Have your money ready.

There you go. One size fits all.
It's gonna shrink a little.

Oh, yeah.

- Okay, that's for you.
- Uncle Andy?

What, what, what? Hang on.

Now, remember, kids,
Chris loves you, so--

- What? What?
- It's the principal.

Oh, shit, man. We're just heating up.

- Excuse me.
- Look, kids, Chris is risen.

What--? What--? Wait.

Oh, no.

Have you all seen these?
They are all over the school.

And as a Christian, I must say
I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane.

Has anyone talked
to the principal about this?

- Who's Chris?
- Where's Celia?

- I bet she'd have something to say.
- It's 10 minutes after.

- Maybe we should start without her.
- Does anyone know how?

Well, I think we need to. The first order
of business should be these shirts.

- They're funny.
- Excuse me?

I think you're making
way too big a deal about it.

It's a joke.

Oh, we do not joke about
our Lord Jesus Christ.

It's a stupid T-shirt.

- We should ignore it.
- Only one man died for my sins, Nancy.

- And his name wasn't Chris.
- Well, it sort of was, wasn't it?

Like a nickname?

If we make a big deal about it,
in a week it'll become a full-blown trend.

- They're kids, it'll become cool.
- Principle Dodge.

- Have you seen these blasphemies?
- Yes, Maggie, I have.

- Are you doing something about them?
- I'm about to.

Mrs. Botwin, would you mind coming into
my office to discuss your son's business?

- Shane was selling them?
- Yes.

With some guy in a van who sped off.

I'll never talk.

Hey.

Hey, what do you like better?

"Jesus say relax," or,
"I'm too sexy for my Lord"?

How about,
"Asshole ditched my 10-year-old"?

I admit it, I panicked.
The guy had a whistle.

They wanted to suspend him.

For what? If Shane wants to believe in
Chris, and they try to suspend him for it...

...whoa, that's freedom of religion.
That's, like, the First Commandment.

- We could nail them on that.
- I don't think Chris is protected...

...under freedom of religion, Andy.

In fact, the angry Christian moms
I heard from in the PTA...

...were pretty offended by it.

Well, that's so intolerant.

I mean, what would Jesus do?

Religious bullshit aside,
you don't wanna know how far...

...I had to crawl up the principal's ass
just to keep you two out of trouble.

Not to mention the unbelievable
amount of shit I'm gonna get...

...from those hypo-Christian
bitch moms tomorrow.

Hey, I was just trying to pitch in.

Earn a little money. I saw an opportunity
to help the family and I took it.

Really? It was for the family, huh?

Where's the money?

Don't worry,
I'll use it towards family expenses.

- Hello?
- I gotta cover my overhead.

Yeah, I did call.
Thanks for getting back to me.

Can you hold on a second, please?

Go away. I have to take this call.

- Who is it?
- None of your business. Get out of here.

Why, you got a boyfriend?
Isn't it a little soon?

Maybe I should take my vibrator back.
Fine, angry!

God! Keep the vibrator.

Thanks for getting back to me,
Candyman.

- You're the Candyman?
- Yes.

- You getting any exercise?
- Excuse me?

If you're not committed to personal fitness,
I can't in good conscience sell to you.

I wouldn't say Heylia's
in the best shape.

Heylia's a lazy fat-fat.

I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma,
so I have no problem selling to her.

- Why?
- Scare her.

Some people never learn
until their life is on the line.

- Know what you are?
- What am I?

Skinny fat.
What are we gonna do about that?

- We're gonna start exercising right away.
- Don't humor me. I'm very serious.

I used to weight 314 pounds.

- Congratulations.
- The key? Exercise.

You know, I'm not buying
for personal use.

Are your customers
just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats?

Well, they're smokers.

But it stands to reason
that if they eat rather than smoke...

...they should be able to breathe easier,
should they decide to exercise.

That's a reasonable assumption.
I hope you'll take it upon yourself...

- ...to encourage them to do so.
- Of course.

- And I'll take everything you've got.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- And?

And I will make a greater effort
to exercise.

No, no, no.

- And I will exercise.
- Yes, you will.

Great. Dumb and dumber, reunited.

Man, it's good to see you.
You smell really good.

You better get the fuck off me.
What's wrong with you?

Can't a straight man admire the stink
of another handsome straight man?

Not unless you in prison.

- Is that where you been?
- Close. Alaska.

- What have you been up to?
- Same old same old, dude.

Just dealing, growing.
Doing a little Pilates.

- No.
- I love that shit, man.

Stretch you out, dude. It give you power.
Make you feel good as hell.

- Hot instructor.
- Ass like a peach.

- You just wanna bite that shit.
- Nice, nice.

So, Conrad, man,
can you hook me up with a little?

That's a lot of weed, huh?

You got the money?

For that much, I don't...

Great. Lady Saltine sends her little
errand boy with no scratch.

Nancy?

Yeah. She only paid for the half order
she picked up this morning.

And that's the other half.

You got my money, boy genius?

So Nancy's getting pretty big, huh?

Fucking kingpin.

What's so funny?

What? Oh, Conrad does Pilates.

- Okay. Where was I?
- I'm surrounded.

You're surrounded by the enemy.
The enemy edges in closer.

Closer. Then, when they're just
inches away...

...you invoke the Dong Hai defense.

What's that?

You protect your dong and you
swing like your life depended on it.

Cool!

I need to talk to you, you fucking perv.

All right. Go practice that.

What? Did that loony chick
from Alaska call?

- I'm talking about what you did to Megan.
- Who's Megan?

Megan. My girlfriend? You told her
to take her clothes off when she IM'd.

Oh, that Megan. Yeah.
I did that for you, bro.

- You should be thanking me.
- What?

- That girl really digs you.
- No shit. She's my fucking girlfriend.

But you haven't gotten
into her panties yet?

- That's none of your business.
- You know why?

You're afraid to make the big moves
because she's handicapped and shit.

That's what you need to learn.
Treat them like everybody else.

And then they pop right open
like a can of Pringles.

- So...
- So she's ready, man.

You gotta go for it.

- You gonna see her tonight?
- Yeah.

- Well?
- Silas, check me out.

You better be right.

Trust me, man. It's good to go.

Hey, Pants.

Please tell me I didn't hear
that you had cybersex...

- ...with a 15-year-old deaf girl.
- Absolutely not.

- I want you out tonight.
- Really?

- Because I was just cooking dinner.
- I want you out now.

Don't you wanna hear my menu?
Because I got some really great recipes...

...over at my friend Conrad's joint
earlier today.

Pot roast, corned beef hash.

Tonight, though, I'm gonna go Italian
with a little baked ziti...

...and a big plate
of spaghetti marijuana.

- I mean--
- You sneaky piece of shit.

Come, now, Nancy Pants.
Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?

- What did you do?
- Well, I went to my old friend Conrad's...

...to catch up on old times--
You remember Conrad, don't you?

He's a pot dealer.
He's the one you're supposed to call...

...if you ever needed a little puff.

--and much to my surprise...

...I was handed a giant bag of weed...

...and told it was for you.

- Where's my stuff?
- So I thought:

"Either Nancy's got a big problem,
or Nancy's got a lot of friends."

You've been--?

- You've been making friends, Nancy?
- Where's my stuff?

Don't worry. It's safe.

"Don't worry."

Everything you touch turns to shit.

I'm family. We'll work it out.

I really want you to leave.

Look, the way I see it is...

...you're in way over your head here,
you know?

You got a house, you got bills,
you're a mommy.

Dealing is a full-time job.

You need some help, Nancy Pants.

Don't call me "Pants."

- Judah called me "Pants," not you.
- Hey, I miss him too, Nancy.

Whatever you think about me,
Judah was my brother.

And I loved him.

And I have your back.

Now, I'm gonna go inside and I'm gonna
finish cooking dinner for the family.

I'm making stoned crabs.
I had to get that one out.

I was working on them
all the way home.

Hey.

You look hot in that leotard.

Come on.

I have cancer.