Web Therapy (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Exposed! - full transcript
Fiona gets her house in order by hiring a new employee, and joining forces with her husband to expose the imposter in the family nest.
Previously on Web Therapy...
I know that they're going
to try to...
Hide the finances in his business.
And to me, that is worth an extra 5%.
Okay, fine.
I will get that information.
I'm going to take your advice,
and I am going to make sure
that my offspring is given my money
while I'm still alive to enjoy of it.
Oh, wonderful news, mother.
You know, I had a son
before I married your father.
- What?
- I had a son that I gave away.
It's not a fantasy.
We're in love.
And, well...
It hasn't gotten physical yet,
but his little...
"Business trip"
this weekend in Atlanta...
Meet Atlanta.
- We get to Atlanta...
- Oh, good.
I get to hear details.
I get completely undressed,
and he couldn't perform
because he thought...
He thought I was a transvestite!
What?
- What?
- What?
What?
In this economy,
they're making so many
budget cuts at visa
that I'm... I'm worried about...
visa, the credit card company?
- Yeah.
- That's where you work?
Well, why don't we do
some exercises, Jerome,
- here at work...
- Yes.
So you can practice being assertive.
I want you to look up
the following account number
on your computer
to access this account.
Oh, Dr. Wallice,
I don't have clearance for that.
That is linked to, uh, kip Wallice?
That's right.
It's my husband.
- Oh.
- All right.
Just read me the most
recent... charges.
Uh, tinker fella.
And, um...
"Guns 'n' Poses"
Retail boutique.
Novelty clothing store.
Novelty items.
- Yes. Hello, Jerome.
- Hi.
- Guess what.
- Oh. What?
I'm on probation!
They're launching an investigation,
internal affairs,
and I have been so assertive
you would love it.
I was like,
"you wanna piece of this?"
Right?
So bu... d-does it involve me?
Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't rat you out.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, you're good.
- You're cool, you're cool.
- Oh.
It's all about me.
I feel like a hundred bucks.
You're right, you're right.
I just had to assert
a little bit of power,
and, man, it feels so good.
Look at this.
Drink at my desk.
Paper clips.
Boo-yah!
Well... Well, you're
making me a little nervous now,
I have to say.
No, you're good, you're good.
No, no, this doesn't seem
very prudent of you, Jerome.
- Wh... wh...
- You seem to be
taking it a little far.
- Jerome.
- What?
- Would you shut up?
- You know what?
What are you gonna do about it?
I love it.
I get so much more respect now.
I think they're scared
of me, you know?
You certainly seem drunk with power.
And you know what's really cool?
It's starting to spill over
into my relationship with Hayley too.
I said to her, "you want
a renaissance fair
"themed wedding, b-yotch,
get off your badonka-donk
"and spend a little
of your own cash, baby.
"We're cuttin' down.
No wild boars.
We're down to one pig."
Isn't that cool?
Well, you're welcome.
- Yeah.
- All right, good.
If you don't mind,
I don't want to talk too much
about your marital... Problems
because I'm not really
interested in yours.
I have my own.
Oh. Oh, okay.
As it turns out,
our marriage is dissolving
right before my eyes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That is so sad.
Well, whatever.
Listen, I need you, Jerome,
to freeze kip's account.
The visa account that we brought up?
Yes. That one.
The one where he charged
$700 for, you know,
Lacy and merrier, whatever it was.
Bought himself almost
an entire trousseau.
Are you sure?
Because that's...
well, I'm pretty sure
I don't want him spending
any more money.
Right. I...
It just feels very
vindictive to me, Dr. Wallice,
and I-I-I don't know
if I wanna get involved
- in sort of...
- Well, that's interesting.
Is it vindictive
or is it showing gratitude
to the woman who has helped you
more than anyone else on this planet?
What does Hayley
have to do with this?
I'm not talking about Hayley, Jerome.
I'm talking about myself.
Oh!
Oh, right...
everything
that I have helped you with.
The bed wetting...
- shh...
- All the nocturnal...
- okay...
- The bed wetting thing,
emissions, the flatulence.
Okay, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I wasn't being grateful enough,
and I'm... what are you doing?
Come on, buddy.
You're outta here.
No! Are you seeing this?
I need a witness.
Dr. Wallice,
record this session, please.
Ow!
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.
This is the seventh
video message I have left you
on a video messaging system
that I set up for you,
by the way,
and you have not gotten back to me.
What is going on?
I mean, I told the Lachmans
about the budget you wanted.
I got the files from kip.
Yes. And I didn't know
what to do with them.
And you haven't paid me!
Well, I haven't gotten
a check either,
so what am I supposed
to pay you with?
I bared my soul to you, Fiona.
I mean, I never open up
to anyone about my parents.
And I haven't heard back from you.
I mean, what is going on?
Are you talking
to Fiona?
- What?
- Say hi to Fiona for me.
No, Gina, I'm not
gonna tell her you said hi.
- No! Say hi!
- No, this is supposed to be
like a mean message.
- I don't wanna be nice to her.
- Be nice for me.
Just give me another minute.
I've gotta go, clearly.
Listen...
I want my money,
and if you don't give it to me soon,
I'm gonna tell the Lachmans
that your budget is bogus!
By...
yes, well...
No, I think it's imperative
that you meet Kamal's parents.
Well, they're of a different culture,
and you want them to see that
you're not really a threat.
Your Western ways won't
really be a threat to them.
Western wa... never mind.
You just want to wear
something that is, you know,
still very you, very, very you...
And still somewhat suggestive
of their...
Of their culture, I suppose.
But suggestive, I guess,
is the operative word.
Sugges... re...
yes, I think revealing is fine.
All right.
Yeah, I'll check my computer
for the picture you sent.
All right, dear, good luck.
Oh, balls.
I was hoping to see kip.
It's you, but I... is kip there?
No, he's not.
I'm sorry.
You're stuck with me.
But... What are you dressed up for?
This is how I always dress.
My goodness, Fiona, you're just...
you're projecting so much
into everything.
But Tik is here.
He's at the house.
Oh, he's there right now?
Yes, he is, and we've had
the most blissful reunion.
- Oh.
- Absolutely blissful.
I'd like to see... who... is that him?
With the... Antique table?
Oh, it's just Tik.
He...
- he took a whole table out.
- Which table was it?
Oh... Doesn't matter.
Any of these tables.
I told him to take anything he wants.
We're adding a big studio,
a big art studio.
I've taken two
of the bedrooms upstairs,
and I've made them into
one big bedroom suite.
And then I'm building a huge
lofting art studio outside.
- He's living there now?
- Oh...
- he's living with you?
- Of course he's living here.
Where would you have him live?
- At home.
- He's my son!
He's a 50-year-old man, mother.
- And look at this.
- Wait, he just took...
he just took the
Rainer Andreesen, mother.
- That's a valuable piece of art.
- He needs the frame
for a collage he's doing
of Che Guevara.
And I said, of course take it!
Take the painting too.
I don't care what he takes.
- I care.
- Nothing's so important
than to make his life worthwhile.
Look... I got this from him,
this fantastic, fantastic...
what is that, a rubber band ball?
No, this is a paperweight,
- but you see, it says...
- It's a rubber band ball.
It's as light as gossamer,
and that's the irony of it.
It's a paperweight
that absolutely has no weight
whatsoever.
Well, maybe you could switch it out
for the chelini
he just made off with.
- That's meant for me.
- And you see it...
Little orange stickers,
I've put them on the bottom
of all the things
that are going to be mine.
It's such a commentary,
and I got this...
he gave me such a bargain.
He gave it to me for
20,000.
$20,000 for that?
And I love it, I love it.
He's an artist,
and I feel so close to him.
I can't wait to see what comes
after the rubber band ball.
I, too.
I have the same, same feeling...
maybe it'll be
a $50,000 hole in a sock.
You know sometimes what I do?
What is that?
I just look deeply into his eyes,
because
they're the eyes of an artist.
And I feel such a kinship,
such a deep connection.
Sometimes I lie here on the sofa,
- and he lies beneath me on...
- What?
- On the oriental rug.
- Oh.
And I just look into his eyes,
and I just feel this
bursting bond of motherhood
and child love.
Oh, Fiona, I wish you could
feel that kind of love
sometime from a child.
Well, maybe when I turn
into a geisha like you,
I'll experience something like that.
Oh, darling, darling,
don't be jealous.
Please don't be jealous.
It's not befitting.
- It's not... it's not flattering.
- May I...
I'd like to speak with him, please.
Oh, no, no. No, you're
not going to speak to him.
- Pardon?
- You will not be toxic.
- I know how you are.
- That's the coffee table now.
You'll give him the third degree.
- Never did like that old thing.
- He's clearing out the house.
Sometimes when I'm looking
into his eyes, you know...
sometimes I have to hold
him there a bit tightly...
but it doesn't matter.
I'm his mother.
I'm teaching him.
Yes. Is he selling all of this stuff?
No, no, no.
I've told him just
do with it what he will.
- Sell it.
- He's probably recycling,
because that's what he's into.
- He's into a kind of ecology...
- Selling, recycling.
It's a fine line.
- Yes.
- Mother, I would like
to speak with him.
No. I told you,
do not speak with Tik.
Okay. Then I'm going to come there.
No, you are not coming.
We are leaving on a big road trip
- what?
- A beautiful, leisurely
- road trip.
- Mother... what's...
how do you spell his name exactly?
Tik.
T-I-K.
N-O-C Minh.
M-I-N-H.
- Tik Noc Minh.
- Okay.
He's really a hodge.
It's Tik Noc Minh hodge.
Oh, I meant to tell you,
you know, as we were, uh,
when we were gutting
the bedrooms upstairs,
I found this large pasteboard carton,
and it was filled with
all these artifacts of yours,
these mementos, these kinds of
child-like trinkets.
You remember that pot holder
you made, uh...
I don't what it wa... I mean,
it's really a lot of crap.
So what, Tik is going
to sell it for 18 grand?
You know, stuff like,
"mummy, I love you,"
and all the paintings,
little things that...
You forever were sticking
on the refrigerator,
and I would have to snatch them down
because nothing blended
with the decor.
But you have never had
the eye of an artist.
So I'd like to send
those things to you.
Where shall I send them, darling?
- My home.
- That's what I'll do then.
But you know what?
Better yet.
I'll come to Boston and pick them up.
No, you will not come to Boston.
I will come to you
if we have to come anywhere.
Oh, okay. Okay, well,
then, bring him to Philadelphia.
Show him the liberty bell.
Well, you know, he probably
would love to see kip.
Yes, Tik!
Tik, would you love to see Tik?
Tik, would you love to see Kip?
- Tik seeing Tik!
- Peace sign. All right.
Tiky, Tiksy.
Tiksy and Kip.
Kipsy and Tik.
You know, my life is just
filled with humor and joy.
Oh. I'm so happy for you.
And oh, my goodness, you know,
everything about this
just feels so right.
- What is that?
- You know that I have always...
I've absolutely loved
pad thai all my life
and thai stick.
But you... that's not Vietnamese.
Mmm!
Oh, Fiona, it all makes sense.
It all makes sense.
Oh, my God, things
are fricking crazy here.
Well, there you are.
Hello.
I'm so stressed out.
There are like these lawyers
and accountants here,
and like they're like
taking things away...
And Jeremy told me I have to like
erase my hard drive for everything.
It's fricking crazy.
And I think like Russell, the CFO,
- like tried to kill himself.
- What?
It's like he was laughing,
and then he was crying,
and then I think he peed his pants.
And he's back at my house.
I'm taking care of him.
I'm nursing him.
'Cause he was like shattered,
and I was like,
"I'll take him. He's cute."
So he's alive,
and he's at your house.
But barely!
He's like passed out.
And it's not like he can
have sex with me,
- so I'm over it!
- Oh...
Well, no, but keep him there.
It's the humane thing to do,
after all.
- Can he write?
- No!
Well, he's the one
who signs the checks,
and this is my concern,
because they are late
in giving me my second installment.
That's why I was trying to reach you.
- So now what?
- Well, he can't sign checks
because he's limp everywhere...
limp dick.
- But can't you...
- I could sign 'em...
I mean, I sign his signature
all the time.
I know his signature.
I could do it for you.
Well, don't... let's not forge it.
But I think it would be okay if...
His fingerprints were on the pen,
if you hold his hand around the pen?
Oh, my God!
But now you need a check.
I can't get him to do anything.
- He's like a vegetable!
- How extraordinary.
They... Released him from the hospital
to your care.
- Totally, and...
- And he's not conscious.
And they're giving me these pills
I'm supposed to give him.
I'm supposed to give him
like five through
the course of the day,
but I'm like at work...
So I gave him five all at once.
- You gave him...
- Oh, wait a minute.
- It says two, not five.
- Oh...
Well, I've been giving him five.
He should be getting better faster.
Let me know when you get home.
Let me know if he's...
Alive, all right?
And then...
Okay. Let me ask you,
though, about, um,
how are things with Kamal?
He certainly can't be okay
with you...
Having a man living in your home.
Oh, it's through.
It's done.
- What?
- It's over!
- Oh.
- Well, I took your suggestion
and I made him
make me meet his family,
and I went over there,
and I wore the outfit
that you suggested,
- mm-hmm.
- And they were like mean.
I think they tried to set me on fire.
- Oh...
- Yeah!
And they called me a Western whore.
Western whore.
Yeah! I was like,
this is the east coast.
Right.
No, you got them.
Yeah. And then they said
that they got
- this video email...
- Mm-hmm...
That he confessed to having
sexual feelings with his sister.
- Oh, how awful.
- She's like three years old!
Oh, that's awful!
And so then they sent him
back to India
to like go marry
his fiance on a goshram...
Which is like an Indian hotel chain.
No.
- Anyway...
- It was devastating.
- It's a different culture.
- Totally!
- Hi, Dr. Wallice.
- Hello, Jerome.
I just got off the phone with visa.
Oh, yes?
And they're not
gonna press any charges.
Oh, well, that's good news.
I'm released from my job.
I'm free as a bird.
Oh, wonderful.
And no... No further inquiries
- or investigation?
- No.
- Well, that's wonderful!
- No. I'm feeling
a little bad about the way
in which they roughed me up
on the way out.
The interrogation
was really excessive,
- and the cavity search...
- No, I had heard
all about that already, Jerome.
I think you need to just let that go.
You don't think
I should press charges?
No, absolutely not, Jerome, honestly.
You should let it go
and just be very happy
to have a new position.
Yeah. You're right.
You're right.
I-I am.
And I am.
- I'm very grateful.
- Well, good.
It's a very difficult economy now.
Well, yes.
I-I-I...
the issue's really Hayley, who...
Yes, of course.
It's always Hayley.
No, it is.
She's let go of a lot
of her wedding demands,
but she does feel like
my new position...
It could have more benefits.
Well, I think you could
assert yourself a little more
with your, uh, with Hayley,
to be honest with you.
We're right back
where we started from
where you cannot control
the woman in your life, Jerome.
Right.
Yeah.
I-I-I know...
well, how many perks is she
looking for you to have?
I just... I'm curious.
Well, it's... the health
insurance is a big one,
you know, um, especially
now with our new president.
It's something that all of us
feel like we... we deserve.
Then write a letter
to the white house.
Yeah.
You know, she did bring up
a few of the other things that seem...
you know, we're gonna be married,
and I am gonna go on a honeymoon
and I sort of thought
that the time off
that I would be on my honeymoon
would be paid vacation time.
Well, I'm hearing a whole
laundry list of complaints
about this new job that you have.
- Yeah.
- Show her a newspaper
or turn the television on
so she can see
that we are in one of the worst
economic crisises
since... since the great depression.
Yeah, it's...
And that everyone
should be down on their knees,
grateful that there is a paycheck...
- Yes.
- Coming in.
And Jerome, you know, look,
I was very happy
to set up interviews for you.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry that most of them
didn't go very well.
That, of course, is not my fault.
- No, I...
- But you did, at long last,
- land a position...
- Yes, I did.
That I assumed you would
be very grateful for
and that she would be grateful for.
- I am. I am very grateful...
- So forgive me
if I sound a little frustrated.
Right.
No, I-I don't blame you.
And I understand, and you're right.
I-I should be grateful
and I am grateful.
There's a few things that I think
may have crossed the line
of what I'm comfortable with,
but I will learn to be
comfortable with
the no parking space, the toilet...
Supply fee.
Well, then get... then get grateful.
You know what,
I'm gonna talk to Hayley
and hopefully, she will back down.
Hopefully, she will back down?
She will back down.
She will back down.
I'll see to it. Oh...
- finally.
- There's a fax coming in
that I think is...
Yes. This is the one that's impor...
and he's gone.
This is not working out, I'm afraid.
What's the point
in doing a session with someone
who's not there?
It's a waste of everybody's time.
Dr. Wallice, this came in
from your accountant.
It's the one that I was waiting for.
Yes, and it addresses the sick days,
which you are not entitled to,
as I suspected,
nor the vacation time.
You simply haven't worked
here long enough, Jerome,
so your honeymoon will have to wait.
- I'm very sorry.
- No, it's okay.
But you know, I... why don't we say
that this session is on the house.
- Thank you.
- It's only fair.
- That's very nice of you.
The... line four is ringing.
- Can you see that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.
You could have just
shown this to me on the camera.
- Hello, mother.
- Oh, Fiona, honey, hi.
Hi. I just wanted to check up on you
and see how you're doing.
- What are you eating?
- Doing great.
I'm doing so good.
What are you eating?
Little red licorice?
Yeah. That's what I think it is.
Well, you have some
stuck on your neck.
No! What do you--
this is a map of 'nam.
Oh. A tattoo?
That's what they call it
in the jailhouse.
A real permanent made with a needle...
no, I took a mouse
and let him bite my neck
till it turned red.
All right, yes.
Now I'm an idiot.
Why wouldn't you have a tattoo?
Red is my color.
Yes. Yes, it is.
Mother, I just wanted to...
what are you doing?
Is that a bong?
All right.
I'm going to try to have
a conversation with you,
- if that's all right.
- Go ahead.
I just wanted to see
how you are emotionally
after the tumultuous
visit in Philadelphia.
I know it couldn't have gone
the way you would expect it.
You know, it's like I have
a double vision, I...
There's like two of you, which is...
Oh. Do you need a brain scan?
More than I ever bargained for.
- Well, anyway...
- And Philadelphia was
the cat's balls.
It was horrible.
Well, yes, I-it...
it was quite a fiasco.
- I-I understand...
- I didn't like it.
Tik didn't like it.
Tik doesn't think that you like him.
None of it is any good.
Well, of course we don't like him.
I don't know why
in the hell we went there.
Mother, he tried to steal from us.
And then... well, I don't
think that's customary
of the Vietnamese to steal things
when they visit someone's home,
all right?
Then he pulled a knife on us,
so of course we had to
call the police
and have him arrested.
You make too much out of nothing.
Well...
Having our lives threatened...
Tik is my son.
I'm a mother.
A mother's love... Knows...
Love.
No. You can't possibly
still think that he's your son,
- not after...
- He is, Fiona.
Please, I don't want to
go over this again.
He is my son.
He is my son.
Mother, we produced documents.
We had his birth certificate
from his real parents.
We had a photograph...
Of his real parents
who are both Vietnamese,
and neither one of them is you.
Oh, darling, I know you
like concocted all that stuff.
I mean, anybody can pay
for a birth certificate.
That's not true!
They... they go on the Internet
from like Nigeria or someplace,
and they take your credit card.
We had a DNA swab done,
and I have the test results here.
- He's not your son.
- I watch CSI.
You can't make me...
Oh, just a minute.
I got a call.
Huh. She goes away, and
my breathing is less shallow.
Well, kip says he's not my son.
So...
Guess that's the case.
Oh, because kip said so?
Well, all right.
As long as you're seeing
the light of day.
Whatever kip says...
Putsy does.
All right.
Well, mother,
I'm sure this is
quite devastating for you.
Oh... Pfft!
I...
let me show you something.
You see this?
I had this appraised.
Oh.
2... 200k.
And I've got three more.
I found 'em...
they were like dust balls
under his bed.
Can you imagine?
Does 200k mean $200,000?
I could light this one right now
and burn the hell out of it,
and it wouldn't mean
a damn thing to me.
If that's worth 200... don't burn it.
Send it to me!
You have three others.
That's exactly the amount I need.
I don't give away a present.
- Ooh.
- You won't believe this.
- Helga. Your nanny Helga.
- Yeah?
She's into, um...
You know how in my day
they had like Tupperware parties
- and things like that...
- Yes.
In-home demonstrations.
Helga's like...
Selling marital aids.
I told kip, I said,
"for Christ's sake,
go to Helga and get something
that you can use with Fiona."
He's so dissatisfied, Fiona.
This is no way to like
keep a marriage.
All right.
Well...
It's so nice to talk to you
and catch up.
I'm just gonna rest for a minute.
Oka... uh-oh.
Mother.
Mother.
Record.
you just assert a little bit of power
and... and, man, I feel like...
I feel like a hundred bucks.
And I even did it with
a hundred bucks.
Not a penny more than that.
I feel like $60.
L-Lacey and Mary, or whatever it was,
bought himself almost
an entire trousseau.
For some girl.
I already signed off.
I don't know.
What else can we do?
Help me.
I know that they're going
to try to...
Hide the finances in his business.
And to me, that is worth an extra 5%.
Okay, fine.
I will get that information.
I'm going to take your advice,
and I am going to make sure
that my offspring is given my money
while I'm still alive to enjoy of it.
Oh, wonderful news, mother.
You know, I had a son
before I married your father.
- What?
- I had a son that I gave away.
It's not a fantasy.
We're in love.
And, well...
It hasn't gotten physical yet,
but his little...
"Business trip"
this weekend in Atlanta...
Meet Atlanta.
- We get to Atlanta...
- Oh, good.
I get to hear details.
I get completely undressed,
and he couldn't perform
because he thought...
He thought I was a transvestite!
What?
- What?
- What?
What?
In this economy,
they're making so many
budget cuts at visa
that I'm... I'm worried about...
visa, the credit card company?
- Yeah.
- That's where you work?
Well, why don't we do
some exercises, Jerome,
- here at work...
- Yes.
So you can practice being assertive.
I want you to look up
the following account number
on your computer
to access this account.
Oh, Dr. Wallice,
I don't have clearance for that.
That is linked to, uh, kip Wallice?
That's right.
It's my husband.
- Oh.
- All right.
Just read me the most
recent... charges.
Uh, tinker fella.
And, um...
"Guns 'n' Poses"
Retail boutique.
Novelty clothing store.
Novelty items.
- Yes. Hello, Jerome.
- Hi.
- Guess what.
- Oh. What?
I'm on probation!
They're launching an investigation,
internal affairs,
and I have been so assertive
you would love it.
I was like,
"you wanna piece of this?"
Right?
So bu... d-does it involve me?
Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't rat you out.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, you're good.
- You're cool, you're cool.
- Oh.
It's all about me.
I feel like a hundred bucks.
You're right, you're right.
I just had to assert
a little bit of power,
and, man, it feels so good.
Look at this.
Drink at my desk.
Paper clips.
Boo-yah!
Well... Well, you're
making me a little nervous now,
I have to say.
No, you're good, you're good.
No, no, this doesn't seem
very prudent of you, Jerome.
- Wh... wh...
- You seem to be
taking it a little far.
- Jerome.
- What?
- Would you shut up?
- You know what?
What are you gonna do about it?
I love it.
I get so much more respect now.
I think they're scared
of me, you know?
You certainly seem drunk with power.
And you know what's really cool?
It's starting to spill over
into my relationship with Hayley too.
I said to her, "you want
a renaissance fair
"themed wedding, b-yotch,
get off your badonka-donk
"and spend a little
of your own cash, baby.
"We're cuttin' down.
No wild boars.
We're down to one pig."
Isn't that cool?
Well, you're welcome.
- Yeah.
- All right, good.
If you don't mind,
I don't want to talk too much
about your marital... Problems
because I'm not really
interested in yours.
I have my own.
Oh. Oh, okay.
As it turns out,
our marriage is dissolving
right before my eyes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That is so sad.
Well, whatever.
Listen, I need you, Jerome,
to freeze kip's account.
The visa account that we brought up?
Yes. That one.
The one where he charged
$700 for, you know,
Lacy and merrier, whatever it was.
Bought himself almost
an entire trousseau.
Are you sure?
Because that's...
well, I'm pretty sure
I don't want him spending
any more money.
Right. I...
It just feels very
vindictive to me, Dr. Wallice,
and I-I-I don't know
if I wanna get involved
- in sort of...
- Well, that's interesting.
Is it vindictive
or is it showing gratitude
to the woman who has helped you
more than anyone else on this planet?
What does Hayley
have to do with this?
I'm not talking about Hayley, Jerome.
I'm talking about myself.
Oh!
Oh, right...
everything
that I have helped you with.
The bed wetting...
- shh...
- All the nocturnal...
- okay...
- The bed wetting thing,
emissions, the flatulence.
Okay, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I wasn't being grateful enough,
and I'm... what are you doing?
Come on, buddy.
You're outta here.
No! Are you seeing this?
I need a witness.
Dr. Wallice,
record this session, please.
Ow!
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.
This is the seventh
video message I have left you
on a video messaging system
that I set up for you,
by the way,
and you have not gotten back to me.
What is going on?
I mean, I told the Lachmans
about the budget you wanted.
I got the files from kip.
Yes. And I didn't know
what to do with them.
And you haven't paid me!
Well, I haven't gotten
a check either,
so what am I supposed
to pay you with?
I bared my soul to you, Fiona.
I mean, I never open up
to anyone about my parents.
And I haven't heard back from you.
I mean, what is going on?
Are you talking
to Fiona?
- What?
- Say hi to Fiona for me.
No, Gina, I'm not
gonna tell her you said hi.
- No! Say hi!
- No, this is supposed to be
like a mean message.
- I don't wanna be nice to her.
- Be nice for me.
Just give me another minute.
I've gotta go, clearly.
Listen...
I want my money,
and if you don't give it to me soon,
I'm gonna tell the Lachmans
that your budget is bogus!
By...
yes, well...
No, I think it's imperative
that you meet Kamal's parents.
Well, they're of a different culture,
and you want them to see that
you're not really a threat.
Your Western ways won't
really be a threat to them.
Western wa... never mind.
You just want to wear
something that is, you know,
still very you, very, very you...
And still somewhat suggestive
of their...
Of their culture, I suppose.
But suggestive, I guess,
is the operative word.
Sugges... re...
yes, I think revealing is fine.
All right.
Yeah, I'll check my computer
for the picture you sent.
All right, dear, good luck.
Oh, balls.
I was hoping to see kip.
It's you, but I... is kip there?
No, he's not.
I'm sorry.
You're stuck with me.
But... What are you dressed up for?
This is how I always dress.
My goodness, Fiona, you're just...
you're projecting so much
into everything.
But Tik is here.
He's at the house.
Oh, he's there right now?
Yes, he is, and we've had
the most blissful reunion.
- Oh.
- Absolutely blissful.
I'd like to see... who... is that him?
With the... Antique table?
Oh, it's just Tik.
He...
- he took a whole table out.
- Which table was it?
Oh... Doesn't matter.
Any of these tables.
I told him to take anything he wants.
We're adding a big studio,
a big art studio.
I've taken two
of the bedrooms upstairs,
and I've made them into
one big bedroom suite.
And then I'm building a huge
lofting art studio outside.
- He's living there now?
- Oh...
- he's living with you?
- Of course he's living here.
Where would you have him live?
- At home.
- He's my son!
He's a 50-year-old man, mother.
- And look at this.
- Wait, he just took...
he just took the
Rainer Andreesen, mother.
- That's a valuable piece of art.
- He needs the frame
for a collage he's doing
of Che Guevara.
And I said, of course take it!
Take the painting too.
I don't care what he takes.
- I care.
- Nothing's so important
than to make his life worthwhile.
Look... I got this from him,
this fantastic, fantastic...
what is that, a rubber band ball?
No, this is a paperweight,
- but you see, it says...
- It's a rubber band ball.
It's as light as gossamer,
and that's the irony of it.
It's a paperweight
that absolutely has no weight
whatsoever.
Well, maybe you could switch it out
for the chelini
he just made off with.
- That's meant for me.
- And you see it...
Little orange stickers,
I've put them on the bottom
of all the things
that are going to be mine.
It's such a commentary,
and I got this...
he gave me such a bargain.
He gave it to me for
20,000.
$20,000 for that?
And I love it, I love it.
He's an artist,
and I feel so close to him.
I can't wait to see what comes
after the rubber band ball.
I, too.
I have the same, same feeling...
maybe it'll be
a $50,000 hole in a sock.
You know sometimes what I do?
What is that?
I just look deeply into his eyes,
because
they're the eyes of an artist.
And I feel such a kinship,
such a deep connection.
Sometimes I lie here on the sofa,
- and he lies beneath me on...
- What?
- On the oriental rug.
- Oh.
And I just look into his eyes,
and I just feel this
bursting bond of motherhood
and child love.
Oh, Fiona, I wish you could
feel that kind of love
sometime from a child.
Well, maybe when I turn
into a geisha like you,
I'll experience something like that.
Oh, darling, darling,
don't be jealous.
Please don't be jealous.
It's not befitting.
- It's not... it's not flattering.
- May I...
I'd like to speak with him, please.
Oh, no, no. No, you're
not going to speak to him.
- Pardon?
- You will not be toxic.
- I know how you are.
- That's the coffee table now.
You'll give him the third degree.
- Never did like that old thing.
- He's clearing out the house.
Sometimes when I'm looking
into his eyes, you know...
sometimes I have to hold
him there a bit tightly...
but it doesn't matter.
I'm his mother.
I'm teaching him.
Yes. Is he selling all of this stuff?
No, no, no.
I've told him just
do with it what he will.
- Sell it.
- He's probably recycling,
because that's what he's into.
- He's into a kind of ecology...
- Selling, recycling.
It's a fine line.
- Yes.
- Mother, I would like
to speak with him.
No. I told you,
do not speak with Tik.
Okay. Then I'm going to come there.
No, you are not coming.
We are leaving on a big road trip
- what?
- A beautiful, leisurely
- road trip.
- Mother... what's...
how do you spell his name exactly?
Tik.
T-I-K.
N-O-C Minh.
M-I-N-H.
- Tik Noc Minh.
- Okay.
He's really a hodge.
It's Tik Noc Minh hodge.
Oh, I meant to tell you,
you know, as we were, uh,
when we were gutting
the bedrooms upstairs,
I found this large pasteboard carton,
and it was filled with
all these artifacts of yours,
these mementos, these kinds of
child-like trinkets.
You remember that pot holder
you made, uh...
I don't what it wa... I mean,
it's really a lot of crap.
So what, Tik is going
to sell it for 18 grand?
You know, stuff like,
"mummy, I love you,"
and all the paintings,
little things that...
You forever were sticking
on the refrigerator,
and I would have to snatch them down
because nothing blended
with the decor.
But you have never had
the eye of an artist.
So I'd like to send
those things to you.
Where shall I send them, darling?
- My home.
- That's what I'll do then.
But you know what?
Better yet.
I'll come to Boston and pick them up.
No, you will not come to Boston.
I will come to you
if we have to come anywhere.
Oh, okay. Okay, well,
then, bring him to Philadelphia.
Show him the liberty bell.
Well, you know, he probably
would love to see kip.
Yes, Tik!
Tik, would you love to see Tik?
Tik, would you love to see Kip?
- Tik seeing Tik!
- Peace sign. All right.
Tiky, Tiksy.
Tiksy and Kip.
Kipsy and Tik.
You know, my life is just
filled with humor and joy.
Oh. I'm so happy for you.
And oh, my goodness, you know,
everything about this
just feels so right.
- What is that?
- You know that I have always...
I've absolutely loved
pad thai all my life
and thai stick.
But you... that's not Vietnamese.
Mmm!
Oh, Fiona, it all makes sense.
It all makes sense.
Oh, my God, things
are fricking crazy here.
Well, there you are.
Hello.
I'm so stressed out.
There are like these lawyers
and accountants here,
and like they're like
taking things away...
And Jeremy told me I have to like
erase my hard drive for everything.
It's fricking crazy.
And I think like Russell, the CFO,
- like tried to kill himself.
- What?
It's like he was laughing,
and then he was crying,
and then I think he peed his pants.
And he's back at my house.
I'm taking care of him.
I'm nursing him.
'Cause he was like shattered,
and I was like,
"I'll take him. He's cute."
So he's alive,
and he's at your house.
But barely!
He's like passed out.
And it's not like he can
have sex with me,
- so I'm over it!
- Oh...
Well, no, but keep him there.
It's the humane thing to do,
after all.
- Can he write?
- No!
Well, he's the one
who signs the checks,
and this is my concern,
because they are late
in giving me my second installment.
That's why I was trying to reach you.
- So now what?
- Well, he can't sign checks
because he's limp everywhere...
limp dick.
- But can't you...
- I could sign 'em...
I mean, I sign his signature
all the time.
I know his signature.
I could do it for you.
Well, don't... let's not forge it.
But I think it would be okay if...
His fingerprints were on the pen,
if you hold his hand around the pen?
Oh, my God!
But now you need a check.
I can't get him to do anything.
- He's like a vegetable!
- How extraordinary.
They... Released him from the hospital
to your care.
- Totally, and...
- And he's not conscious.
And they're giving me these pills
I'm supposed to give him.
I'm supposed to give him
like five through
the course of the day,
but I'm like at work...
So I gave him five all at once.
- You gave him...
- Oh, wait a minute.
- It says two, not five.
- Oh...
Well, I've been giving him five.
He should be getting better faster.
Let me know when you get home.
Let me know if he's...
Alive, all right?
And then...
Okay. Let me ask you,
though, about, um,
how are things with Kamal?
He certainly can't be okay
with you...
Having a man living in your home.
Oh, it's through.
It's done.
- What?
- It's over!
- Oh.
- Well, I took your suggestion
and I made him
make me meet his family,
and I went over there,
and I wore the outfit
that you suggested,
- mm-hmm.
- And they were like mean.
I think they tried to set me on fire.
- Oh...
- Yeah!
And they called me a Western whore.
Western whore.
Yeah! I was like,
this is the east coast.
Right.
No, you got them.
Yeah. And then they said
that they got
- this video email...
- Mm-hmm...
That he confessed to having
sexual feelings with his sister.
- Oh, how awful.
- She's like three years old!
Oh, that's awful!
And so then they sent him
back to India
to like go marry
his fiance on a goshram...
Which is like an Indian hotel chain.
No.
- Anyway...
- It was devastating.
- It's a different culture.
- Totally!
- Hi, Dr. Wallice.
- Hello, Jerome.
I just got off the phone with visa.
Oh, yes?
And they're not
gonna press any charges.
Oh, well, that's good news.
I'm released from my job.
I'm free as a bird.
Oh, wonderful.
And no... No further inquiries
- or investigation?
- No.
- Well, that's wonderful!
- No. I'm feeling
a little bad about the way
in which they roughed me up
on the way out.
The interrogation
was really excessive,
- and the cavity search...
- No, I had heard
all about that already, Jerome.
I think you need to just let that go.
You don't think
I should press charges?
No, absolutely not, Jerome, honestly.
You should let it go
and just be very happy
to have a new position.
Yeah. You're right.
You're right.
I-I am.
And I am.
- I'm very grateful.
- Well, good.
It's a very difficult economy now.
Well, yes.
I-I-I...
the issue's really Hayley, who...
Yes, of course.
It's always Hayley.
No, it is.
She's let go of a lot
of her wedding demands,
but she does feel like
my new position...
It could have more benefits.
Well, I think you could
assert yourself a little more
with your, uh, with Hayley,
to be honest with you.
We're right back
where we started from
where you cannot control
the woman in your life, Jerome.
Right.
Yeah.
I-I-I know...
well, how many perks is she
looking for you to have?
I just... I'm curious.
Well, it's... the health
insurance is a big one,
you know, um, especially
now with our new president.
It's something that all of us
feel like we... we deserve.
Then write a letter
to the white house.
Yeah.
You know, she did bring up
a few of the other things that seem...
you know, we're gonna be married,
and I am gonna go on a honeymoon
and I sort of thought
that the time off
that I would be on my honeymoon
would be paid vacation time.
Well, I'm hearing a whole
laundry list of complaints
about this new job that you have.
- Yeah.
- Show her a newspaper
or turn the television on
so she can see
that we are in one of the worst
economic crisises
since... since the great depression.
Yeah, it's...
And that everyone
should be down on their knees,
grateful that there is a paycheck...
- Yes.
- Coming in.
And Jerome, you know, look,
I was very happy
to set up interviews for you.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry that most of them
didn't go very well.
That, of course, is not my fault.
- No, I...
- But you did, at long last,
- land a position...
- Yes, I did.
That I assumed you would
be very grateful for
and that she would be grateful for.
- I am. I am very grateful...
- So forgive me
if I sound a little frustrated.
Right.
No, I-I don't blame you.
And I understand, and you're right.
I-I should be grateful
and I am grateful.
There's a few things that I think
may have crossed the line
of what I'm comfortable with,
but I will learn to be
comfortable with
the no parking space, the toilet...
Supply fee.
Well, then get... then get grateful.
You know what,
I'm gonna talk to Hayley
and hopefully, she will back down.
Hopefully, she will back down?
She will back down.
She will back down.
I'll see to it. Oh...
- finally.
- There's a fax coming in
that I think is...
Yes. This is the one that's impor...
and he's gone.
This is not working out, I'm afraid.
What's the point
in doing a session with someone
who's not there?
It's a waste of everybody's time.
Dr. Wallice, this came in
from your accountant.
It's the one that I was waiting for.
Yes, and it addresses the sick days,
which you are not entitled to,
as I suspected,
nor the vacation time.
You simply haven't worked
here long enough, Jerome,
so your honeymoon will have to wait.
- I'm very sorry.
- No, it's okay.
But you know, I... why don't we say
that this session is on the house.
- Thank you.
- It's only fair.
- That's very nice of you.
The... line four is ringing.
- Can you see that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.
You could have just
shown this to me on the camera.
- Hello, mother.
- Oh, Fiona, honey, hi.
Hi. I just wanted to check up on you
and see how you're doing.
- What are you eating?
- Doing great.
I'm doing so good.
What are you eating?
Little red licorice?
Yeah. That's what I think it is.
Well, you have some
stuck on your neck.
No! What do you--
this is a map of 'nam.
Oh. A tattoo?
That's what they call it
in the jailhouse.
A real permanent made with a needle...
no, I took a mouse
and let him bite my neck
till it turned red.
All right, yes.
Now I'm an idiot.
Why wouldn't you have a tattoo?
Red is my color.
Yes. Yes, it is.
Mother, I just wanted to...
what are you doing?
Is that a bong?
All right.
I'm going to try to have
a conversation with you,
- if that's all right.
- Go ahead.
I just wanted to see
how you are emotionally
after the tumultuous
visit in Philadelphia.
I know it couldn't have gone
the way you would expect it.
You know, it's like I have
a double vision, I...
There's like two of you, which is...
Oh. Do you need a brain scan?
More than I ever bargained for.
- Well, anyway...
- And Philadelphia was
the cat's balls.
It was horrible.
Well, yes, I-it...
it was quite a fiasco.
- I-I understand...
- I didn't like it.
Tik didn't like it.
Tik doesn't think that you like him.
None of it is any good.
Well, of course we don't like him.
I don't know why
in the hell we went there.
Mother, he tried to steal from us.
And then... well, I don't
think that's customary
of the Vietnamese to steal things
when they visit someone's home,
all right?
Then he pulled a knife on us,
so of course we had to
call the police
and have him arrested.
You make too much out of nothing.
Well...
Having our lives threatened...
Tik is my son.
I'm a mother.
A mother's love... Knows...
Love.
No. You can't possibly
still think that he's your son,
- not after...
- He is, Fiona.
Please, I don't want to
go over this again.
He is my son.
He is my son.
Mother, we produced documents.
We had his birth certificate
from his real parents.
We had a photograph...
Of his real parents
who are both Vietnamese,
and neither one of them is you.
Oh, darling, I know you
like concocted all that stuff.
I mean, anybody can pay
for a birth certificate.
That's not true!
They... they go on the Internet
from like Nigeria or someplace,
and they take your credit card.
We had a DNA swab done,
and I have the test results here.
- He's not your son.
- I watch CSI.
You can't make me...
Oh, just a minute.
I got a call.
Huh. She goes away, and
my breathing is less shallow.
Well, kip says he's not my son.
So...
Guess that's the case.
Oh, because kip said so?
Well, all right.
As long as you're seeing
the light of day.
Whatever kip says...
Putsy does.
All right.
Well, mother,
I'm sure this is
quite devastating for you.
Oh... Pfft!
I...
let me show you something.
You see this?
I had this appraised.
Oh.
2... 200k.
And I've got three more.
I found 'em...
they were like dust balls
under his bed.
Can you imagine?
Does 200k mean $200,000?
I could light this one right now
and burn the hell out of it,
and it wouldn't mean
a damn thing to me.
If that's worth 200... don't burn it.
Send it to me!
You have three others.
That's exactly the amount I need.
I don't give away a present.
- Ooh.
- You won't believe this.
- Helga. Your nanny Helga.
- Yeah?
She's into, um...
You know how in my day
they had like Tupperware parties
- and things like that...
- Yes.
In-home demonstrations.
Helga's like...
Selling marital aids.
I told kip, I said,
"for Christ's sake,
go to Helga and get something
that you can use with Fiona."
He's so dissatisfied, Fiona.
This is no way to like
keep a marriage.
All right.
Well...
It's so nice to talk to you
and catch up.
I'm just gonna rest for a minute.
Oka... uh-oh.
Mother.
Mother.
Record.
you just assert a little bit of power
and... and, man, I feel like...
I feel like a hundred bucks.
And I even did it with
a hundred bucks.
Not a penny more than that.
I feel like $60.
L-Lacey and Mary, or whatever it was,
bought himself almost
an entire trousseau.
For some girl.
I already signed off.
I don't know.
What else can we do?
Help me.