Web Therapy (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Click to Start - full transcript

That was the longest shower
in the history of time.

What do you do in there?

I can't find my briefcase.

What are these--what are
these paintings doing here?

Oh, I had to put them here

'cause this is
now my office for my--

- But they were in the bathroom.
- And now they're here.

They were in the bathroom
and now they're here.

They look nice against
the wall, so see?

They were a gift
from my law partners.

- Well, then...
- Wait.



This is the award I got
from the bar association.

Oh, is that what that is?
I like that sculpture--

It was in my office.

Yes, I removed it from
your office and brought it here.

It looks good.
See, look how good that looks.

Are you doing therapy now?

Not right now, I'm not
doing therapy with no one.

- I'm not insane.
- But there's my briefcase.

- And my computer.
- Yes.

That's where I put--
No, don't touch it.

- No, I have it all set up.
- For what?

So that you could see--

I'm gonna demonstrate
what I'm doing.

I think you should know
what your wife is up to now.



Okay, what do we do?
What are we gonna talk about?

Kip, you have to look into--
that's what it's set up for.

We don't look
at each other like--

I'm not having
anyone at the house, all right?

- That's the beauty of this.
- Yes, I know.

You don't pay for
an office rental anymore.

I know, you had six patients,
what was the point?

You're not due
in court or anything,

so let's just have
a little mini-session.

I want to include you in my life.

I think that's a nice thing.

- Yeah, okay, good.
- All right, good.

- Three minutes, here we go.
- Three minutes.

And you can pretend to
be someone else,

or just be yourself.

Whichever is
more comfortable for you.

Hello,
I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice.

How are you?

And you have to look
at you--

I won't be sitting with you,
obviously, that's why...

See, it's over the Internet?

But I'm in the room with you.

Pretend that you're not,
and pretend that you

could only see me--
access me through--yeah.

I get it.
I'm not an idiot.

Okay.
Let's go.

You do a good impression of one.

I'm sorry, that was unkind.

- I'll bring that up in therapy.
- It was funny.

- Okay, good.
- Yes.

All right, make up a name.

Mm, well, call me Bill.

My name is Bill, and...

Oh, Bill, that's so ordinary.

Well, uh...
Okay, William.

- William.
- Hi.

Okay, Kip, you're William.

- Okay, I'm William.
- Okay, hello, William.

- I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice.
- Hello.

So why is it that you have chosen

to see me at this juncture?

I haven't chosen to see you,

- but obviously we're mak--
- Please pretend.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I really have no idea.
But I'm William,

and I have--my wife is
a controlling kind of person.

- Good pretending, okay.
- Yep.

Um, oh, controlling in what way?

Well, just, you know,
she's very pushy.

She-she--she likes to--
she likes to get what she wants.

She made me buy this house.

Right now, you see,
you like to play the blame game.

She's--she's
just a very needy woman.

She's needy sexually,
she's needy financially,

- she's--
- She's needy sexually?

In what way?
That she'd like to try it out?

You know, I don't
really wanna talk about this.

Yeah, let's not talk about that.

I don't think
that'll get us anywhere.

First of all, why open
that can of worms?

I agree.
All right, so let's think

why might your wife
be a little controlling?

Well, it beats me.
Just...

Maybe she
doesn't get much from you.

Well, she--
she gets plenty from me.

She gets a lot of my money,

which she spends just
frequently and without--

- On what?
- Just--

Ways to make herself look
prettier for you?

Well,
that and a lot of--

a lot of I would say
waste, really.

Is she included in your life?

Do you bring her to your firm's
Christmas parties?

Well, she sometimes
has a habit of

- embarrassing her husband.
- Oh!

- Sometimes at these parties.
- How would he know

if he doesn't
pay any attention to her

or what she's doing?

He-he-he sees her,

you know, as
she takes off her blouse.

Well, maybe she
spilled wine on her blouse.

- Yeah, well--
- All right?

Mm-hmm, maybe she did.

Maybe she was trying
to fend off one of the partners.

Maybe Janowitz
was making overtures

that were inappropriate,
because her husband

wasn't in evidence,
and she was vulnerable.

She was drunk,

and she did spill
the wine all over her,

and all over several
other people, and--but you know,

that's not the worst thing.
I mean, that--

Oh, there's worse
than having a cocktail?

Let me hear this horror that
you're married to.

She tends to--she tends
to be a bit flighty.

She left a financial firm,
a very good job,

in a kind of
suspicious circumstances.

We're not quite
sure what really went on.

- Whether she was fired--
- We're not quite sure?

Or you don't listen to her,
so you're not quite sure?

It's never really been
totally explained.

How long have
you been married, William?

Um, I think it's been...

- 17 years.
- 17 years?

- Yep.
- Oh, that's a long time.

And how long have
you been...dissatisfied?

How long ago
was the trip to Aruba?

That was...
That was two years after we--

- 15 years ago.
- Yeah, so since then.

So you've been unhappy
for 15 years--

You know, unhappy's--yes.

Okay, let's just--
It's fine.

- Go ahead.
- We're all calm, and fine.

You've been unhappy for
15 years in your marriage--

- And a half.
- 15 and a half years.

- Mm-hmm.
- Of your marriage,

you've been unhappy.
And then yet,

you haven't
done anything about it.

Because I'm
a very supportive husband,

and I think that if I--
if I--

Could I just have some
regrets about the commitments

- that I've made--
- Can I tell you something

- about what I think?
- What's that?

That either you're
not as unhappy as you think,

or you're
a terrific coward and weakling,

and don't know how to
take care of yourself at all.

Otherwise, you would've left.

No, I'm happy.

That's what it sounds like.

All right, very good.
Our time is up.

- Great.
- Do you see?

Do you see how long that took?

- Yeah, long--
- Isn't that wonderful?

It feels like an hour.

Okay, I'm gonna go and
have a good day.

Okay, bye.
Mwah.

Thank you for doing this, Kip.
Really I apprecia--

And if you wanna
tell any of your partners

or junior partners
at the fir--

Oh, let me turn you off.

All right, now you can take
your laptop and your briefcase.

And don't forget to
tell everyone in your firm,

the partners and junior partners,

what a wonderful modality
this is for ther--

- We'll see you later.
- All right, thank you.

Will you be home for dinner?

Oh, bye.

Okay.

Aruba.

Oh, wait, that was our honeymoon.

- Well, it is you.
- It is me.

- It's you.
- Hello, Richard.

- Hello, Fiona.
- It's so nice to see you again.

It's good to see you.
Actually, I can't see you.

I wanted you to see me
without my glasses, but I--

- There you are, wow.
- Oh.

I didn't--this is
my first time with therapy,

so I just--
I didn't know what to wear.

Well, you don't need to
dress for therapy.

- Yes, that's true, you don't.
- Okay.

Oh, it's been a very long time.

How did you hear about me?
Or that I was doing this?

Well, you know,
over at Lachman Brothers,

they were talking about you
by the cooler over there--

Oh, which guys?
The guys what?

Well, Bob and,
you know, Steven, and...

- Jeremy?
- Jeremy was there.

- Yeah, good.
- Russell wasn't there.

- He's, uh...
- His opinion never counted.

- No, it didn't.
- As far as I'm concerned.

It didn't as far
as I'm concerned, too.

Anyway, I'm kind of nervous

because I've not done therapy.

And I have some things
I wanna kinda talk about.

But I don't wanna
do it for a whole hour,

or I don't know
if I'm gonna like this.

Oh, you'll like this,
because it's only three minutes.

And what I've discovered,

is I've done the 50-minute
sessions with people,

but they end up going on and on

about dreams, and
feelings, and memories,

and past experiences

that add up to
a whole lot of nothing,

- as far as I'm concerned.
- Okay.

And what I've found is that
the bulk of the help

was really done in three minutes.

Okay.
Well, then

I won't bring up
any of those kinds of things.

Well, unless they're important.

How will I know?

I will guide you.

- Oh.
- That's what I'm here for.

- I'm your guide.
- Okay, all right, well.

So Richard, I assume
it's been difficult for you.

Because getting over a heartbreak

can be very tricky.
There's depression, and--

From what you're wearing,
it's hard for me to tell

if you have gained weight
or you've lost weight.

Because there's
a lot of material.

But that is par for the course.

I'm sorry, what's your question?

I, um...

Mostly it's
an expression of concern.

For your emotional recovery
after...

What your--
what happened.

You're talking about you and me?

That--you mean the incident
at Lachman Brothers?

Yes, of course.

Since, you know,
that horrible incident

at Lachman Brothers,
where you just misunderstood,

I guess, the nature of
our relationship.

Well...
Um...

Okay, it seemed to me
like it was kind of

a mutual flirtation.

You made it pretty clear--

you know, you literally told me

that you wanted me to kiss you.

I guess "Please lock the door behind you"

could be interpreted in
a myriad of ways.

But you know.
Truly, I'm still married.

And you know, couldn't
possibly have meant anything.

Well, no.
You beckoned me.

You told me
to come into your office.

- You closed--
- Beckoned you?

"Come hither to my lips?"

No, I don't think I said that.

You told me that
I had very kissable lips,

and you asked me
to come into your office,

and you asked me to
shut the door.

It was confusing to me.

Oh, it's funny
how we remember things.

I hope that that's not
why you left Lachman Brothers.

Gina at the front desk

said that you referred to
my attempt to kiss you as a--

You called it "a sex crime."

And I felt that
that was kind of harsh.

Well, I never liked Gina.

Hopefully, you don't have
much to do with her anymore.

Because that's
particularly unkind of her.

Has this
resolved anything for you?

Seeing me again?

Resolved anything?

I assume that's why
you made the appointment.

You're still trying
to mend the shattered pieces

- of your romantic self--
- Huh.

After I let you down.

Well, I wasn't
really thinking that, no.

But...

So you're here to discuss...?

Yes. I-I-I-I contacted you

- to discuss a friend.
- Yes.

Is having some problems.
She's, like, a little--

been edgy, and nervous, and...

Who is this friend?

She's my girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Oh.

And she's been distant,
and moody, and...

- That's too bad.
- Almost not there for me.

- It's like she's dismissive.
- That is hard.

You know what, Richard?
I'm sorry, but our time is up.

It's been well over
three minutes now.

- What?
- So this session is over.

There are really only
supposed to be three minutes.

So we can see each other
again next week,

and we can pick up where
we left off.

You're muted now,
so I can't hear you.

Because the session has ended.

- Hello, Gina.
- Hi, gorgeous.

How are you?

Well, I'm very well.
And how are you?

- Great.
- You look good.

I'm glad to see
you took my advice

and got something more...
tailored, like a...

Business lady.
Like you.

Yes.

Your hair is so pretty.
It's like a wig.

Thank you very much.

That's...quite a compliment.

Listen, I just wanted
to thank you

for putting up the flyers
in the break room

because I now have
a new client from it.

So thank you very much for that.

Oh, are you treating Richard?

For his, like,
weirdo mommy issues?

I-- Well, um...

Yes, I am.

You know, I think, though,
that, um...

It's probably an issue with--
a confidentiality issue.

So you probably
shouldn't technically know

that I'm seeing him as a client.

So--'cause I would hate for you
to be brought up on charges.

Oh, no.
No, definitely.

Okay, good.
Good!

I love you.

Oh, well,
you're my "inside man."

'Cause we're, like, best friends.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, do you--have you
seen Richard's new girlfriend?

What is she like?

Yes.
She's very "volumptuous."

- She's what?
- "Volumptuous."

Okay.

Also, you know, I've sent
so many emails to Jeremy.

Oh, my God, they were like,
"She's resurfacing again!

We thought
we dodged a bullet."

Who said that, though?
Who was that?

Yeah, like, Jeremy and everybody.

- They were laughing.
- And every--

Jeremy and Robert?
Or...?

I don't know.

It's just good,
they remember you.

And it was great because

they hear your name
and they laugh.

At any rate, though.

I need you to schedule in
an appointment for me,

maybe for Thursday,
to come in and talk to him.

During the day?

Well, yes, during the day.

During business hours, dear.

Are you sure?

- Hello, Richard.
- Hi, Fiona.

It's good to see you.
I'm glad you returned.

Yes, well, I wasn't quite done.

Wow, you look--
you look fantastic,

- I have to say.
- Aw, thank you.

That's some medallion there
you've got around your neck.

Oh, well...it's jewelry.

Anyway, uh...

Did you wanna talk about
your girlfriend, or...?

Because I--you
have an issue with her?

Yeah, she's...

God, she makes me feel great.

I love her.

- But...
- But.

I feel like maybe
she's not taking her medication.

'Cause she's doing so well.
We're doing really well.

And I feel like
she's getting a little edgy,

and kind of confrontive,
and a little paranoid.

And I don't know if it's
okay for me to talk about the--

my thinking that she might
not be taking her medication.

One second.

Okay.

Um, so she's crazy?

Oh.

I just sent you a picture.

Yeah, I see that.

- See that?
- Oh.

- Wow. That's you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Look at that dress.
- And you.

- Yeah.
- And I have to say

that the man in that picture
looks much happier

than the picture of the man
I see before me right now.

Well, thank you.
In all fairness,

you have a very--
a very sexy dress on,

and I'm a little drunk.

I was a little drunk
that night, remember?

No, I remember the night.

I remember you were
extremely happy.

You were a happy fella.

Well, you kept
telling me to drink more

and you were trying to--
you said, get me out of my shell

so that I would make advances.

It's funny, your interpretation

of almost every event
involves me encouraging you

- to make advances, but--
- Yeah.

I know, it's true.
I think that's true.

'Cause I get mixed signals
all the time.

You know, Richard,
can I say something?

You look really uncomfortable,

and I think your shirt
looks like it's very tight.

That top button,
do you want to unbutton it?

- Yeah, I do.
- There, okay.

There you go.

Just to unbutton it,
because it was pulling.

Ah, I feel like
I can breathe again.

Good.

- Wow.
- Good.

So it's not working
with the girlfriend.

I mean, the question
I have for you is

what is it that you feel
you are unentitled to?

I'm just wondering
why you feel like

you're not entitled
to be with a woman

who is intelligent,
and sexy, and beautiful.

And instead you feel
like you need

to be with someone
who is insecure.

Well...

So I'm making her feel

flawed,
and disabled, and insecure.

And that's it!
I'm--

- Well.
- Right?

I need to let her know
that I want her in my life

for the rest of my life.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna take her
to her favorite restaurant.

It's Morimoto--I'm
taking her there on Thursday.

And I'm gonna ask her
to marry me.

I'm gonna ask her to be my wife.

This is--thank you,
this is very helpful.

Um...Okay.

I will see you next time.

- I don't--
- Sheila!

Get out your party dress.

- Yeah?
- Yes, dear,

I sent you my proposal
for the Lachman Brothers

over five minutes ago.
I haven't heard from you.

It couldn't have taken
that long to read.

Honey, you're just downstairs.

You know,
you could easily come up?

- But I'm down here--
- All right.

Looking at my schedule
and working.

Yes, I read it.
It's a little convoluted,

but I think you make your points.

And I just don't understand
why you need $200,000

in the start-up fee.

Because that's how much it is.

I am not web therapy.
I work for web therapy.

And web therapy has
to pay me for my services.

I want at least $150,000.
I'm worth it, I think.

But you get paid by your clients.

What are you gonna do,
redecorate your office?

That's not much.
$25 for a session.

Well, then how do you
expect to pay back the money--

This is a new treatment modality.

- It hasn't been done before.
- Please don't,

please don't explain it again.

Really, I just can't
bear to hear it again.

I just wanna say one thing.

If you're gonna--
if you want investors

- to give you actual money...
- Mm-hmm.

If you want the Lachman Brothers

- to invest in this proposal...
- Mm-hmm.

You should take out the
whole insinuation of blackmail.

Because I don't think
they're gonna go for that.

- I don't think it's gonna fly.
- Oh, I don't think

it's as much blackmail
as it is incentive

that I'm removing
the very real threat

that I had imposed before,

because I was mistreated there.

Where did this whole sexual
harassment idea come from?

You never mentioned it.
I never heard anything about it.

- I don't understand.
- I told you about it.

- I must've told you about it.
- No, I don't think you did.

- What act--
- There were closed doors,

- and propositions, and--
- Propositions by who?

Oh, maybe I didn't
tell you about it.

- No, actually you didn't.
- All right.

- That's possible.
- Who was involved in this?

And what actually went on?

Was there touching?
Was there groping?

Not without my consent.

Okay, this is so baffling to me.

Well, you should know
better than I.

I'm just--

What is that supposed to mean?

- You're an attorney!
- Yes, I've--

I'm sure you conduct yourself
in a certain way

- at your office.
- Well, of course I do.

- There's a workplace decorum.
- Of course I do.

I just don't understand
how you expect

to get money from this.

And if I was a member of
Lachman Brothers,

I wouldn't invest because,
let's face it,

the only thing that
makes money on the Internet

is sex and genealogy.

So I've heard that.

So you've heard.

- All right.
- That's what I've heard.

You don't have any
concrete evidence of that.

I don't--you know,
I don't use the Internet.

Oh, good, well, then
I'll tell them not to call you.

- Well--
- Thank you.

Then no.
You know, listen.

I want the best for you.

I really--I hope
this all works out.

- I appreciate that.
- You know, can we just--

What time are you coming to bed?

Oh, why?

Are we in the mood
for a little something?

At long last.

Is there any soup in the house?

Yes, there's soup
in the refrigerator.

I'd kill for
a little tomato soup.

All right, I'll bring some up.

Thanks.

Hello, Jerome.

Oh, hi.
Are you there?

- You're there.
- I'm here.

But you are...partly there.

You once again don't
understand where the camera is

in your laptop,

or whatever
it is you have at work.

Well, I can see it.
Is this better?

Hold on.

- There, yes.
- Can you see me now?

- Yes, I can.
- Okay, good.

- Yes.
- Um, I'm glad that, um...

You were able to
meet me at this time.

This is the time
that we both agreed on.

Now remember, Jerome,
now you only have three minutes,

it's not
the 50-minute sessions.

You know, the whole point is
that you can actually

achieve something
during your sessions.

Which I think was
a real struggle for you.

Well, it was.
But I have to say that

I was getting the impression
the last couple of sessions

that I was boring you.

I'm not bored.
I mean, I have enough of

an inner-intellectual life
to keep interested in anything

that even you could be saying.

All right.
Listen, this is good.

It brings me to something

I've been wanting
to discuss with you.

I was really very hopeful
when I switched you

from the 50-minute
in-person sessions

to these truncated
three-minute sessions,

hoping it would prompt you
to get to your issues

so that we could do
some real work, instead of...

The self-indulgent
sort of blather,

you know, that occupies
a 50-minute session.

- Right.
- Alas, that hasn't happened.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

So I'm feeling like
I don't know if either one of us

is getting anything out of this.

I'm glad that
you're mentioning this,

because I also
have made an appointment

with a different therapist.
A Dr. Schulman.

- Oh.
- Who specializes in...

family psycho-sexual,
incest issues, and...

- Incest?
- Yes.

Why on earth would you need

to see someone
about incest, Jerome?

Something has come up between
me and my fiancée, Hailey.

- Okay, yes.
- After I found out my father--

you know, the one
I told you abandoned us.

He had been making most
of his money

selling sperm samples.

And as it turns out,
her lesbian moms

used my father's sperm
to have her.

And so it seems that
you two are related, I guess.

Well, that's fascinating.

Oh, Jerome,
this is very important.

- Thank you.
- At long last,

we have what I think is
a real issue.

Listen, I need
to see you and Hailey,

because I do
couple's counseling as well.

Well, I sort of thought
that maybe

this was out of
your area of expertise.

And Dr. Schulman
specializes

in family psycho-sexual
incest issues.

What makes you think I don't...

- Specialize in incest?
- No, I--

Why would
you make that assumption?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

You do?
Okay, I did not know that.

- I-I--you know--
- All right.

Jerome,
I have to tell you something.

I think what's happening here,
I have to let you know,

- is very unethical.
- Oh, no.

We haven't slept together
since I found out.

No, your moving this case
to another therapist

without properly
terminating with me.

That's something you and I
would be discussing.

- Yes, I'm sorry about that.
- This is an issue

of intellectual property,
which I own.

You own it?

And I think
that you're so caught up

in your own personal drama
regarding this,

that you're not thinking about
the bigger picture.

Which is, you're
not alone in this, Jerome.

- Okay.
- There are many, many people--

especially of
your generation and younger--

who have these issues now.

With all of
these sperm-doning parents,

and single sex parents.

And you know,
an egg comes from somewhere,

and a sperm comes from
somewhere else.

And next thing you know,

you've got an entire
neighborhood of relatives.

You know, it's like the Ozarks.

Okay, I will bring Hailey
next time.

I will bring Hailey
with me next time.

- Bring Hailey next time.
- Will you just--

don't mention
the bed-wetting to her?

Kip, I have incest now.

Well, that's
sex and genealogy, right?

It's kind of funny
to rehash the past.

You look good.
Anyway.

- Well, what's done is--

This is my stress ball.

I collect rubber bands.

Cut.