Wayside (2005–2008): Season 1, Episode 10 - A Rat in Shining Armor/Mrs. Gorf - full transcript

* So cool and crazy and wild
and upside-down *

* I'm bored
and that's not fun *

* I want to get away

* But I'm too tired to run

* I'm gonna find a place
where there are no rules *

* And the world is wild

* I have the tools
to make things happen *

* And the reaction
will explode *

* The lights go up

* The world flips
upside down *

* I brought the party
to town *



* My deal to make
My chance to take *

* So take a ride

* Fly by the Wayside

* And fly by the Wayside

* The lights go up

* The world flips
upside down *

* I brought the party
to town *

* My deal to make
My chance to take *

* So take a ride

* So take a ride

* Fly by the Wayside,
Wayside! *

* Fly by the Wayside,
Wayside! *

* Wayside!

MR. KIDSWATTER:
ATTENTION, STUDENTS!



ATTENTION!

DON'T BE CHICKEN

TO ENTER OUR EGG-CELLENT
COSTUME CONTEST!

AHH!

MYRON:
ARGH!

WELCOME TO
THE SPRING DANCE, MATEY!

MYRON,

WHY ARE YOU WEARING
TWO PIRATE EYE PATCHES?

HA, HA!

SO I CAN BE
TWICE THE PIRATE

AS ANYONE ELSE!

(BOWL CRASHES, JUICE DRIBBLES,
SPOON CLANGS ON FLOOR)

GLUG, GLUG, GLUG!

(SLURPS AS HE WIPES
HIS MOUTH)

REFRESHING!

ARGH!

SO WHAT ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE, MATEY?

HEY, MYRON.

HEY, YOU SOUND EXACTLY
LIKE MY FRIEND DANA.

HEY, DANA.
LET ME GUESS,

YOU'RE A LIBRARIAN,
RIGHT?

UHN, UHN, UHN.

A DEWEY-DECIMAL
TECHNICIAN.

GREAT SPRING DANCE,
HUH?

YEAH...

BUT SHOULDN'T WE HAVE
THE COSTUME PARTY

AT HALLOWEEN INSTEAD?

HALLOWEEN?

BUT THAT'S WHEN WE CELEBRATE
THE ARRIVAL OF SPRING!

STEVEN:
YEAH, TODD.
DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?

AHHH...

NOW I'M READY FOR
THE COSTUME PARTY.

ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE
A CAR DASHBOARD?

YES.
AND THE BEST PART IS:

I'VE GOT DRIVER-SIDE AIRBAGS,

TO PROTECT MYSELF
FROM ANY SUDDEN IMPACTS.

WHAT KIND
OF SUDDEN IMPACTS?

MAURECIA:

HI, TODD.

AHH, SAMMY,
WE CHAPERONES.

THAT MEAN WE WATCH
FUNNY-LOOKING KIDS.

MAURECIA:
COME BACK, TODD!

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
BOUNCING AWAY FROM ME?!

AHH! SO HAPPY,
THESE BABUSHKINS.

IT REMIND MISS MUSH
OF OLD TIMES

IN SWINGING GULAG
WITH HAIRY COSSACK BOYS.

I GO DISCO EVERY NIGHT!

OH, MISS MUSH,

SHE HOT LIKE BOILED PEROGIE
BACK THEN!

OOH HOO!

SAMMY,
YOU NEED MINGLE MORE.

GO KNOCK 'EM DEAD
ON DANCE FLOOR, NO?

OH, I FORGET,

YOU ALREADY DEAD.

NO WORRY.

YOU JUST NEED
GOOD COSTUME!

I FIX YOU UP.

WANNA DANCE, TODD?

UGH!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE,

PLEASE, PLEASE!

NO, MAURECIA.

I JUST GOT BOUNCED HALFWAY
ACROSS THE SCHOOL.

I NEED A BREAK.

WHAT?

YOU WANT TO BREAK UP
WITH ME?

HUH? NO, NO.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!

AND BESIDES,

WE CAN'T BREAK UP BECAUSE...
WE'RE NOT EVEN GOING OUT!

BUT... BUT...

MAURECIA?

ARE YOU OKAY?

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT
YOUR FEELINGS.

MY FEELINGS, TODD?

ALARM VOICE:
STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE!

I REPEAT,
STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE!

HUH?

YOU'RE NEW HERE,
AREN'T YOU?

OH...

I SEE YOU MEET TALL,
QUIET STRANGER.

HE SHAKE YOUR HAND NOW.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

MY NAME'S MAURECIA.

I'M A PRINCESS.

JA! JA! MM HM.

OH-HO-HO!

HE SAY YOU SWEET
AS BOILED PEROGIE.

REALLY?
WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE?

OH OH, HE VERY SHY.

UH, THEY ALL LIKE THAT

AT SCHOOL FOR EXTRA RICH
AND HANDSOMEY.

OOH...

I'VE ALWAYS HAD A THING
FOR THE STRONG,

SILENT, HANDSOMEY TYPE.

DID YA HEAR THAT,
TODD?

UH, MR. HANDSOMEY
NEED TO POWDER FACEPLATE.

HE BE RIGHT BACK!

SEE?
YOU ALREADY MADE FRIEND

WITH PONY-HEADED PRINCESS,
RIGHT, SAMMY?

COSTUME GOOD IDEA,
NO?

HA, HA, HA!

TODD:
LOOK, MAURECIA,

I'M SORRY ABOUT
WHAT I SAID BEFORE.

I DO LIKE-

TALK TO THE HAND,
TODD.

I'VE JUST MET ME
A MYSTERY MAN!

STUDENTS:
WOW! WHAT A HUNK!

DANA:
HE'S SO DREAMY.

GIRLS:

STEP ASIDE, GIRLS.

MYSTERY MAN'S MINE.

HE'S WAY COOLER THAN TODD.

COME ON, PRINCE CHARMING,
SHAKE A LEG!

YOU'VE GOT SOME
CHARMING TO DO.

WAIT!
MISS MUSH HELP WITH...

DANCE!

OH! OH!

WOW!

THAT GUY CAN DANCE!

WISH I HAD HIS MOVES.

SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE.

OH, SHOULD I DO IT MORE
LIKE THIS?

I THINK I BETTER
GET A CLOSER LOOK

AT THIS MYSTERY GUY.

WHOAAAA!

STUDENTS:
YAY!

TIME OUT!

STUDENTS:
AWWW!

KIDSWATTER:
ATTENTION, STUDENTS!
ATTENTION.

IT'S TIME TO ANNOUNCE

THIS YEAR'S BEST COSTUME
WINNERS.

I VOTED FOR YOU,
MR. KIDSWATTER!

I LOVE THAT
CHICKEN COSTUME!

THANK YOU,
LITTLE DOUBLE-PIRATE BOY.

BUT IT'S NOT
A CHICKEN OUTFIT.

I'M ACTUALLY A MIGHTY EAGLE,

KING OF THE SKY!

UH...

THAT'S UM... AN EAGLE EGG,
BY THE WAY.

IT COMES WITH
THE CHICKEN COSTUME.

I MEAN, THE EAGLE...
I MEAN...

WHATEVER.

AS I WAS SAYING,

VOTES ARE IN
FOR KING AND QUEEN

OF THE SPRING DANCE.

THE BEST GIRL COSTUME IS...

THAT ROLLER-SKATING
PRINCESS PERSON.

MAURECIA:
WOO HOO!

BEST BOY...

KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.

STUDENTS:
YAY!

SAMMY, YOU WIN!

I MEAN, UH...

MYSTERY BOY SAY,

THANK YOU, LADIES.

HMM...
TIME TO PUT THE BRAKES

ON THIS MYSTERY BOY.

(BEEPS LIKE A TRUCK
AS TODD BACKS UP)

TODD:
DELIVERY IN THE KITCHEN
FOR MISS MUSH.

DELIVERY?

MAYBE INDUSTRIAL
CEMENT MIXER,

TO MAKE LUNCHTIME SPECIAL!

LOOK, BUDDY,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE,

BUT MY MAURECIA'S
MY GIRLFRIEND.

I MEAN MY FRIEND,
WHO HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL.

MY FRIEND GIRL.

THAT SILENT TREATMENT
WON'T WORK WITH ME, PAL!

SOMETHING SMELLS ROTTEN
AND I THINK IT'S YOU.

HELLO

SAMMY?!

MAURECIA FELL FOR
A DEAD RAT?!

SHE'LL BE HEARTBROKEN
WHEN SHE FINDS OUT!

I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.

KIDSWATTER:
ATTENTION, STUDENTS!
ATTENTION.

TIME FOR THE KING AND QUEEN

TO COME UP FOR THEIR
VERY SPECIAL DANCE.

SO, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

NOW STOP THAT ALREADY!

REMEMBER, I AM NOT A CHICKEN,

I AM AN EAGLE.

O-KAY.

HURRY, SAMMY!

YOU MISS SLOW DANCE
WITH PONY-HEADED GIRL.

OH, SAMMY,
YOU SO POPULAR.

YOU TURN MISS MUSH HEART
TO GOULASH.

WHOA!

SAMMY, HOW YOU MOVE
LIKE THAT?

YOU DEAD!

OH, MYSTERY KID,

PLEASE, LET ME SEE
YOUR BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY FACE.

NO!

SAMMY!

TODD?!

TODD?

STUDENTS:
TODD?!

TODD?!

344 SOUTH FAIRVIEW?

TODD,
WHERE YOU PUT SAMMY?

WE EXCHANGED COSTUMES.

I JUST COULDN'T
LET MAURECIA SEE

HER NEW LOVE
WAS A DEAD RAT.

IT WOULD BREAK HER HEART.

OH...
WHY YOU NOT SAY SO?

YOU IN LOVE PONY-HEADED
PRINCESS!

STUDENTS:
YAY!

OH, WELL...

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I MEAN, COME ON, ME?

IN LOVE?

WHAT'S THAT, TODD?

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME?

OH, TODD.

I KNEW IT WAS YOU
IN THAT COSTUME

ALL ALONG.

WAIT! N-N-N-NO, I-

OWWWWW!

AW, TODD.

STUDENTS:
YAY!

SAMMY! SAMMY! SAMMY!

SAMMY,

YOU MAKE EVEN MORE FRIENDS!

STUDENTS:
YAY!

MISS MUSH, SHE ALONE.

EVEN DEAD RAT HAVE GOOD TIME!

I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'D BE INTERESTED

IN A QUICK DANCE?

OH, HO, HO!

OKAY, KIDSWATTSKY,

I SHOW YOU HOW
WE SCRAMBLE EGGS

IN THE OLD COUNTRY.

(WOLF HOWLS,
CRICKETS CHIRP)

MR. BLUNDERBUSS:
LUCKY FOR YOU, CHILDREN,

MRS. JEWLS HAS ASKED ME

TO LEAD THIS YEAR'S

EXCITING CAMPING TRIP
ADVENTURE!

I'VE BEEN ON MANY
A DARING SAFARI,

AND LET ME TELL YOU,

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WILD...

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!

OOF!

HEY!

WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME

THE CAMPGROUND WAS ON
THE 6TH FLOOR?

I LOOKED ALL OVER FOR IT
DOWNSTAIRS.

MAURECIA:
MYRON, THE 5TH FLOOR
IS FOR POTTERY CLASS!

OH!

SO THAT'S WHY I'M SO DIZZY.

CAN SOMEONE PASS ME
ANOTHER BAG OF MARSHMALLOWS?

THESE ONES WON'T STAY ON
MY STICK.

OH, TODD...

DON'T YA WANNA
SIT CLOSER TO ME

WHILE WE TELL
SCARY GHOST STORIES

AROUND THE CAMPFIRE?

UM...

NO THANKS,
MAURECIA.

BUT WHO'LL PROTECT ME
IF I GET SCARED?

I FEEL SO VULNERABLE.

YOU?

THE TOUGHEST GIRL IN SCHOOL?

ALL YOU EVER WANNA DO
IS PUNCH ME.

YOU'RE JUST TOO ROUGH!

NO I'M NOT.

I... I...

MUST NOT HIT TODD!

OW!

YOU ARE TOO ROUGH.

YEAH, WELL,

I WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS.

TELL HIM, DANA.

IT'S TRUE.

SEE,
A LONG TIME AGO,

BEFORE TODD
JOINED OUR CLASS...

OH BROTHER.

DANA:
MAURECIA WAS A GENTLE
GIRLY-GIRL.

WHY AREN'T YOU
THE PRETTIEST PEACH

OF A PORCUPINE,
FLUFFY?

DANA:
ONE DAY,
MRS. JEWLS WAS SICK,

AND WE GOT THE MEANEST
SUBSTITUTE EVER.

STUDENTS:

MY NAME IS MRS. GORF.

AND IF ANY OF YOU ARE BAD,

I'LL WIGGLE MY EARS,

STICK OUT MY TONGUE,

AND TURN YOU INTO AN APPLE!

STUDENTS:

OOOOH!

THAT WASN'T
VERY NICE.

POOR ERIC!
RIGHT, ERIC?

MRS. GORF?

IT SAYS HERE
IN THE RULE BOOK:

"TURNING STUDENTS INTO APPLES
IS NOT ALLOWED."

AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW,

I WAS AN APPLE TOO.

KIDS:
OOOOH!

A FASCINATING TALE!

REMINDS ME OF THE TIME

I WAS HUNTING POMEGRANATES
ON THE SUBCONTINENT

WITH MY TRUSTY STEED,
THUNDERBOLT!

THE... THE POMEGR-

STEVEN:

EXCUSE ME,

I MUST GATHER
SOME MORE KINDLING

FROM THE FOREST INTERIOR.

(CHANGE CLANKS,
VENDING MACHINE WHIRS)

DANA:
ANYWAY,

MRS. GORF WOULD NOT STOP.

DANA:
NOW BACK THEN,

MYRON WAS ALSO
A DIFFERENT PERSON:

HEROIC,

FEARLESS,

SELF-SACRIFICING!

MRS. GORF!

AS SOMETIME CLASS PRESIDENT,

I DEMAND YOU CEASE
AND DESIST

ALL APPLE-RELATED DAMAGES!

DANA:
MRS. GORF ACTUALLY
SEEMED SURPRISED,

EVEN IMPRESSED.

AHH, AT LAST!

A STUDENT NOBLE ENOUGH

TO RISK HIS OWN SAFETY

IN ORDER TO PROTECT
HIS FRIENDS.

WHAT?! WHOA!

WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT
RISKING MY SAFETY?

I SHALL NOT TURN YOU
INTO AN APPLE.

OH, GOODY!

DANA:
INSTEAD,
SHE TURNED HIM INTO...

A POTATO.

GORF!

OH, FLUFFYKINS,

HOW WE GONNA
SAVE THEM APPLES?

LOUIS:
OH HEY, MRS. GORF.

EVERYTHING OKAY?

DANA:
LOUIS HAD HEARD MRS. GORF
WAS A REALLY MEAN TEACHER.

THEN HE SAW THE APPLES.

WHOA!

THE STUDENTS
MUST LOVE YOU!

LOOK AT ALL THE APPLES
THEY GAVE YOU.

AND A POTATO TOO!

BONUS!

STUDENTS... LOVE ME?!

DANA:
AND SO MAURECIA SKIPPED AWAY

WITH ALL OF HER
APPLE CLASSMATES.

TODD:
HOLD ON A SECOND.

MAURECIA ACTUALLY SKIPPED?

MR. BLUNDERBUSS:
AHH!

I ONCE SKIPPED ACROSS
A NEPALESE PLATEAU

WEARING NOTHING
BUT YAK BUTTER!

NOW THAT'S A TALE TO TELL!

BUT NOW I MUST REWIND
THE FOREST AMBIENCE.

(SOUND OF FOREST AMBIENCE
REWINDING)

DANA:

YES, MAURECIA SKIPPED.

SHE FELT IT WAS
MUCH MORE LADYLIKE.

IT JUST WASN'T VERY FAST.

GORF!

SO EVERYBODY,

AS PART OF OUR HALLOWEEN
DRESS REHEARSAL

IT'S TIME FOR...

BOBBING FOR APPLES!

OKAY CHILDREN,

TODAY, WE'LL FINGERPAINT...

WITH APPLESAUCE!

MADE FROM THOSE APPLES
RIGHT OVER THERE.

KIDS:
GET 'EM! SQUISH 'EM!

APPLESAUCE!

AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY
FRUITBALL.

SO...

EVERYONE BRING THEIR FRUIT?

I GOT AN ORANGE.

I GOT A BANANA.

KID:
HEY, IS ANYONE USING
THIS APPLE?

DON'T WORRY,
FLUFFY, MY SWEET.

MRS. GORF MUST
HAVE A REASON

FOR BEING SO MEAN.

MAYBE BEING TURNED INTO
A LITTLE OLD APPLE

IS JUST A PART
OF GROWIN' UP?

POTATO CASSEROLE...

LET'S SEE,
TEN EGGPLANTS,

SIX CUP OLD SOCKS,

AND ONE POTATO.

WHERE I PUT MY POTATO?

AHA!

MRS. GORF:
AH HA!

IS THERE AN ECHO?

FLUFFY:
GORF.

HA, HA, HA!

OH, FLUFFYKINS!

YOU'RE A...

YOU'RE A PRICKLY PINEAPPLE!

MRS. GORF:

DANA:
THAT'S WHEN THINGS CHANGED
FOR MAURECIA.

IT WAS LIKE SOMETHING
INSIDE OF HER JUST...

SNAPPED.

NOBODY TURNS MY PORCUPINE
INTO A PORCUPINE-APPLE!

BUT FIRST,

THERE'S SOMETHING
I GOTTA DO!

TEACHERS:
GO! GO! GO! GO!
GO! GO! GO!

HUH?!

KINDERGARTENERS:
APPLESAUCE! APPLESAUCE!
APPLESAUCE! APPLESAUCE!

AAAPPLESAUCE!

GYM TEACHER:
SWING BATTER-BATTER-BATTER!

SWING BATTER-BATTER-BATTER!

SWING BATTER-BATTER-BATTER!

SWING!

MISS MUSH:
COME BACK HERE!

YOU NOT FIRST FOOD
TO RUN FROM MISS MUSH!

WHERE YOU GO?

AGHH!

I NO NEED STUPID POTATO.

I MAKE CRAYON CASSEROLE INSTEAD.

DANA:
AND THAT'S WHY WE NEVER EAT

MISS MUSH'S RAINBOW COLOURED
CASSEROLE.

ALL:

REMINDS ME OF THE TIME

I WRESTLED A WILD CRAYON

ON THE COAST OF TANGIERS.

TEAL BLUE -

ONE OF THE MOST FEROCIOUS
COLORS ALIVE!

MAYBE I'LL GO FIX
THE STREAM.

DANA:
SO MAURECIA SNATCHED UP

ALL THE REST OF US
APPLE STUDENTS.

NOW...

WHERE WERE WE?

GIVE ME BACK MY CLASS!

SURE!

YOU WANT 'EM,

YOU GOT EM!

HAH!

AHHH!

MYRON:
HIYA!

I GIVE UP!

MAKE THEM STOP!

ONLY IF YOU PROMISE
TO TURN THEM ALL

BACK INTO STUDENTS!

OKAY, OKAY,
I PROMISE!

DANA:
SO MRS. GORF TURNED
ALL OF US APPLES

BACK INTO STUDENTS.

FLUFFY!

OH, FLUFFY.

OUCH!

YOU'VE CHANGED.

WELL THAT MAKES
TWO OF US.

DANE:
AT THIS POINT,

MAURECIA COULD'VE
TURNED BACK TOO,

BACK INTO THE POLITE
AND PROPER GIRL

SHE'D BEEN BEFORE.

MRS. GORF:

MRS. GORF:
NO! I'VE TURNED MYSELF
INTO AN APPLE.

DANA:
THAT WAS THE END OF MRS. GORF.

ALL:
OOOOH!

DANA:
AND MAURECIA'S BEEN
A TOUGH GIRL EVER SINCE.

NOW WILL YOU
SIT WITH ME?

SURE...

IF I ACTUALLY BELIEVED
THAT STORY.

WHAT?

DO YOU REALLY WANNA
TAKE THAT CHANCE, TODD?

AFTER ALL,

WHO WILL PROTECT YOU
FROM...

MRS. GORF!

AHHH!

THAT'S NOT REALLY
MRS. GORF,

IS IT?

OW!

OH! FLYING APPLES!

REMINDS ME OF THE TIME

I WAS STRANDED
ON AN ISLAND

FULL OF GIANT, FLYING,
MUTATED APPL-