Watchmen (2019): Season 1, Episode 2 - Martial Feats of Comanche Horsemanship - full transcript

I was one of the cops who got
attacked on the White Night.

Before police officers
were allowed to wear masks,

so the bad guys, they knew
who I was and where I lived.

JUDD CRAWFORD: Kavalry's back.

We convinced ourselves
that they were gone.

But they were just hibernating.

(ALARM BUZZES)

Firearms release is authorized.

Chief, you're making a mistake.

Yeah, well, it's my funeral.

ANGELA ABAR: Aren't you worried?



I'm worried as fuck.

JANE CRAWFORD: What are
you two talking about?

Oh, nothing.
Just the end of the world.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

LORD OF A COUNTRY ESTATE: I have
a surprise for you.

I've started writing a play

in five acts.

What shall you call it, master?

- The Watchmaker's Son.
- (PHONE RINGS)

WILL REEVES: Something you need to see.

I know who you are,
so don't where no goddamn mask.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(CARRIAGE RASPS, DINGS)

(TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)



(OFFICER SPEAKS GERMAN)

(CLACKING STOPS)

(SPEAKS GERMAN)

Yes, Commandant, I certainly do.

(SPEAKS GERMAN)

(CLACKING RESUMES)

(WOMAN SINGING ARIA
ON RECORDING)

- Hello, boys.
- (TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

What are you doing over here?

(CLACKING CONTINUING)

Fighting the Germans?

Have they ever
done you any harm?

Of course,

some white folks and the lying
English-American papers

told you that the Germans
ought to be wiped out

for the sake of humanity
and democracy.

But I ask you, boys,

what is democracy?

(CARRIAGE RASPS)

(PROPELLERS BUZZING)

COMMANDANT (CONTINUING): Do
you enjoy the same rights

as the white people do
in America?

COMMANDANT AND O. B.: "Or aren't
you rather treated over there

"as second-class citizens?

O.B.: "Can you get a seat in a
theater where white people sit?

"Or can you even ride,
in the South,

in the same streetcar
with white people?"

(SPITS)

"And how about the law?

"Is lynching and the most horrible
cruelties connected therewith

"a lawful proceeding
in a democratic country?

"Now, all this is entirely
different in Germany.

"Colored people have mighty
fine positions in business

"in Berlin and other
German cities.

"Why, then, fight the Germans?

"You have been made the tool

"of the egotistic rich
in America,

"and there is nothing
in the whole game for you

O.B. AND BOY: "but broken bones,
horrible wounds, or death.

BOY: "To carry the gun
in service of America

BOY AND OLD MAN: is not
an honor but a shame."

"Throw it away and come over
to the German lines,

OLD MAN: and you will find
friends who will help you along."

♪ ♪

Turn it off!

- (COCKS GUN)
- Or I'll shoot!

♪ ♪

(KEYPAD BEEPS)

(KEYPAD BEEPS)

(DOOR SLAMS)

- (HUFFING)
- (POUNDING)

(SCREAMING)

(WAILING)

(MOANS)

♪ ♪

(COFFEE MAKER BEEPS)

You've changed.

- You got any sugar?
- No.

Some bakery.

Mmm.

Who are you?

I'm the one who strung
your chief of police up.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

You're 90 fucking years old.
How the fuck did you hang him?

I'm a hundred and five,
and you curse too much.

- You didn't kill him.
- I did, all by myself.

How?

Psychic powers.

I can manipulate
material with my mind.

Is that right?

Maybe, uh...
I'm Dr. Manhattan.

He lives on fucking Mars.

And he can't do that...
Look like us.

I think he can, uh...
make copies of himself.

He can be in two places
at the same time.

He can grow up to
a hundred feet tall.

Change the color of his skin.
Why can't he be like us?

Um...
Can I have my pills please?

Why don't you use your powers
and float them on over?

Okay, fine.
I'm not Dr. Manhattan.

No shit.

What are these for?

Um, help me get my memory.

Long time since I been home.

Who are you?

- I'm the one who strung up your chief of police.
- Why?

He had skeletons in his closet.

What the fuck does that mean?

There is a vast
and insidious conspiracy

at play here in Tulsa.

If I told you about it,
your head would explode.

So, I have to give it
to you in pieces.

You haven't given me shit.

Yes, I have.

But you haven't been
listening hard enough.

Who are you?

I'm the one who strung up
your chief of police.

Who are you?!

I'm Will.

Who are you?

(PAGER BEEPING)

This is Night.
You paged me?

Oh, my God.

I'll be right there.

They found him, huh?

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ ♪

SEYMOUR: So you're gonna tell
me that Tulsa, Vancouver,

Jakarta, and Leningrad
all at the same time?

I don't know. I'm not a scientist.
It's interdimensional shit.

No, no, no.
It's a false flag!

Man, look. It's Redford raining
down these baby alien squids on us,

so we stay distracted while he and
his Libstapo take away our rights!

So, I guess, uh, Keene's
got your vote then?

- Fuck Keene too. Shit!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

Kid ain't nothing.
Hey, he a goddamn clone of his daddy.

Shit. (CHUCKLING)

- Oh, young lady.
- Good morning, gentlemen.

There's no Nova Express
till this afternoon.

- Thank you.
- I'll throw it in the stack tomorrow.

Now, let me ask you...

Does she really
read all of these?

Of course.
Don't you?

Oh, I read it.
I just don't believe it.

(LAUGHING)

DELIVERY GUY: I'm out of here, my guy.

- All right, baby. Be good.
- See you next week, baby.

- All right. Stay out of trouble.
- No promises.

All right. (LAUGHS)

♪ ♪

♪ Evolution, revolution,
gun control, the sound of soul ♪

♪ Shootin' rockets to the moon,
kids growin' up too soon ♪

♪ Politicians say more taxes
will solve everything ♪

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

NEWSMAN: Detective!
Detective! Any comment?

What's going on down there?!

Give us something!

♪ ♪

(ROPE CREAKING)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Got anything to eat?

There are nuts in the glove.

Where shall I begin?

You think it's Kavalry?

That would be
the obvious conclusion.

- Did he suffer?
- Yep.

His car's up the road a hair.

Tires blown out
with a spike strip.

Intramuscular hemorrhage,
fractured laryngeal skeleton,

and ligature marks are all
consistent with violent asphyxiation.

Both his palms got rope burns.

He's got fibers
in his fingernails.

He was alive the whole time.

Until he wasn't.

You was with him last night?

What?

The Chief.

When I called Jane to notify,

she said that they were over
at y'all's house for supper.

Yeah.

Was he acting strange?

What do you mean?

You know what strange means.
Was he drunk?

No. A couple glasses of wine maybe.

Was he high?

He might've done some blow.

Sounds like quite a party.

My kids were there.

"Your" kids.

Fuck you, you shiny fuck.

What,
are you interrogating me now?

Why would I interrogate you?

Because you're
a cold motherfucker, Glass.

Then why am I crying under here?

(THUDS)

Jesus!

(PROPELLERS FLAPPING)

(GRUNTS)

You want pictures, huh?

How about I shove this camera up
your asshole and take a picture?

Fucking moths!

- (TASER BLASTS)
- Aah!

NEWSMAN: The public has a right
to see what's happening here!

- Fucking Nazi!
- I'm not a Nazi, I'm a communist.

(NEWSMAN GRUNTING)

Scare! Stand down.

You in charge now?

No.

Then who the fuck is?

We need to get him down.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Santa baby, just slip a sable
under the tree for me ♪

Are you looking at the clock?

(CLOCK TICKING)

No.

ANGELA: Calvin.

- Okay, I'm lookin' at the clock.
- Mm-hmm.

And it's two minutes
till midnight.

And midnight is Christmas,

which means I finally get
to open that big present

with my name on it
over there under the tree.

Uh-uh. Christmas doesn't start
until Christmas morning.

You have to wait.

You know I need to know.

ANGELA: I'm training you to like surprises.

- CALVIN: Oh, you're training me?
- (ANGELA CHUCKLING)

- Baby...
- Huh?

I'm opening up that present
in exactly 30 seconds,

and there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

- Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm.

Midnight, huh?

Is that when the little hand...

- is on top of the big hand?
- (CHUCKLING)

No, that's not gonna work.

Feels like it's working to me.

- I'm opening it, Angela.
- You gotta wait.

- I don't wanna wait.
- You gotta wait.

(THUD UPSTAIRS)

- Oh, that must be Santa Claus.
- Shh!

What?

(WHISPERS): There's somebody in our house.

(TICKING)

- (CLOCK CHIMES)
- (DOOR CLATTERS)

(SHOTGUN BLASTS)

(SHOTGUN BLASTING)

(SLOWED, DISTORTED): ♪ To a platinum mine ♪

♪ Santa baby, so hurry
down the chimney tonight ♪

- (ANGELA GRUNTS)
- (MAN GROANS)

- (GUNSHOT)
- (ANGELA GRUNTS)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(ANGELA GASPING, GAGGING)

Cal...

(ANGELA GASPS, GROANS)

Whoa, whoa. Easy.

You're okay.

(GROANING)

Cal... Cal!

He's all right.
He's safe.

Where is he?

He was sitting right here in this chair

for the last three days straight.

I told him to go home and...

change his clothes.

Promised I'd keep an eye on you.

Thanks, Captain.

Judd.

They came for you too?

They came for everybody.

Coordinated attack.

Simultaneous hits.
Forty houses, all police.

Most of us asleep in our beds
on Christmas Eve.

The news is calling it
the White Night.

But I was home.

Fucker in a Rorschach came
through my window and shot me,

so I blew his fucking face off.

You got your guy too, huh.

Stabbed him, and he bled out
in your kitchen.

I reckon there's somebody
up there lookin' out for you.

Doyle?

He and Ginny were
at home in bed,

and that's where we found them.

Their boy, Christopher,
heard the gunshots

and took his sister and the baby
and hid in the closet.

Topher.

He goes by Topher.

Yeah.

Fuck that.
Everybody who's left...

we round
those racist fuckers up...

There's nobody left.

The entire force knows that the
Kavalry has our names and addresses.

- They're all resigning.
- I'm not fucking quitting.

Well,
I guess I won't quit either.

I just told you that your
partner and his wife got killed.

- You can cry, Detective Abar.
- Angela.

Angela.

It's okay to cry.

Maybe later.

I'm sorry.

I let you down.

♪ ♪

CRAWFORD'S VOICE: I let you down.

(ZIPPING)

LOOKING GLASS: Now what?

RED SCARE: We roll into Nixonville,

bust Kavalry heads
until someone talks.

That is fucking now what!

- Mount up, cowboys!
- NIGHT: Wait!

We should...
just stop and take a breath.

You don't want to beat
shit out of these fucks?

You?

She loves beating the shit
out of these fucks.

LOOKING GLASS: That much is indisputable.

So, are you coming
or are you fucking breathing?

I'm coming.

RED SCARE: Giddy-fucking-up!
Let's ride!

♪ ♪

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

All right, listen up,
you racist fucks.

Our chief has been murdered.

Murdered by one of you.

Some of you are in the Kavalry,
others are not.

I don't fucking care
which is which.

If you can hear my voice,

you're going to walk out
of your shitty trailers

and into one of these
lovely paddy wagons.

- (DOG BARKING)
- But if a single one of you

decides not to accept our invitation...

we tear down your fucking idol!

Ten, nine, eight...

seven, six,

- five, four...
- (SPITS)

...three, two...

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Come on, man.
We don't need to do this.

Round them up!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(TASER CRACKLING)

- (TASER CRACKLING)
- (DOG BARKING)

You ain't interested
in joining in?

This shit is unnecessary.

- Look out!
- (MAN GRUNTS)

(NIGHT GRUNTING)

(DOG BARKING)

(PANTING)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

♪ ♪

WOMAN: Redfordations are abominations!

MAN: You got a sorry,
now you want a handout?

- Equal rights, equal taxes!
- Redfordations are an abomination!

♪ ♪

SOLDIER: We knew a war was
comin', so we put our uniforms on.

Figured maybe that'd protect us.

How could they look at a man who
fought under the same flag...

NEWSWOMAN: As they were
dragging my friend's body

behind their cars,
I was taking notes.

I needed to do something...
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(CHIMES)

Hello. I'm United States
Treasury Secretary,

Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

If you like,
you can call me "Skip."

What's your name?

Will.

Hello... Will.
What can I help you with today?

I need to know who I am.

I'm sorry,
I can't help you with that,

but I can check
your eligibility.

- Would you like me to do that?
- Yeah. Yes.

Almost a century ago,

on the very spot
on which you now stand,

the vibrant and affluent
African-American community of Greenwood

was so prosperous that
later it became known

as the Black Wall Street.

And then, in the space
of a single day,

it was all gone.

The Tulsa Massacre resulted
in profound loss of life,

not to mention the property and
treasure pillaged from its victims.

For far too long, this horrific
chapter in our nation's history

went untold and unacknowledged.

On behalf of the entire
United States government,

President Redford offers
his sincerest condolences

for the trauma you or your
family may have suffered.

May I have your consent to test
a sample of your DNA?

Yes.

GATES: Please take a cotton
swab from the drawer,

gently rub it on
the inside of your cheek,

then place it in the slot.

Your DNA will be processed
exclusively here

at the Greenwood Center
for Cultural Heritage.

Only survivors of
the 1921 Tulsa Massacre

and their direct descendants

are eligible to apply
at this facility.

Please tell us the best
number to call you.

539-176-2442.

- Thank you.
- ("BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" PLAYING)

Our country appreciates
the opportunity

to right the wrongs
of a dark past,

so that we may all
share a bright future.

God Bless America.

♪ ♪

You're not allowed to be here.

And you're not allowed
to withhold my visitation.

I know they're inside there,

even though that chickenshit
husband of yours

ain't answerin' the door.

Look, you gonna sort this out,
or am I calling the cops?

The cops are busy rounding up

every suspected Kavalry
member in Nixonville.

It's my day.

Can you take a raincheck?

I could take a real check.

Must be satisfying... putting
those Redfordations to work.

Get the fuck off my porch.

ROSIE: Argh! Keep walking,
you lily-livered stowaway!

- CALVIN: Ow!
- ROSIE: Keep walking or I'll stab you in the butt!

- CALVIN: Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Mommy!

Hey! What's going on in here?

She's a pirate.
I'm an owl.

We caught a ghost on our ship.

- A ghost, huh?
- CALVIN: Boo.

He's walking the plank.
We're gonna feed him to the sharks!

Oh, well, then you need
to put something

in his pockets to weigh him down

because when he gets to the end,

he's just gonna float away.

- Rocks!
- Rocks!

He still out on the porch?

I got rid of him.

You arrested the old man?

He's still at the bakery.

And you didn't arrest him.

I didn't arrest him
because he didn't do it.

But he says he did.

He also says that Dr. Manhattan
can pretend to be human.

- No he can't. And he's on Mars.
- Mm.

That's what I said.

♪ ♪

Are we safe, Angela?

I would tell you if we weren't.

(KIDS GIGGLING)

- Is Topher in his room?
- Mm-hmm.

You want me to come with you?

Uh-uh.

You go walk the plank.

I called Jane.
She's having people over tonight.

I'll stay here with the kids,
but you should go.

- How is she?
- She sounded completely fine.

Even though I know she's not.

Just like you.

- ANGELA: Hey!
- Hey.

- Can we talk a minute?
- Okay.

There are people who believe

that this world
is fair and good...

That it's all
lollipops and rainbows.

I remember
what happened to my parents.

You remember
what happened to your parents.

You and me, Topher,
we don't do lollipops and rainbows,

because we know
those are pretty colors

that just hide
what the world really is.

Black and white.

Your Uncle Judd is dead.

Somebody hung him from a tree.

Okay.

He was a policeman.

Policemen die.

He wasn't my real uncle anyway.

Don't tell Rosie and Emma yet.

I'll handle it tomorrow.

All right.

(CLATTERING)

Can I watch TV?

Yes, baby.
You can watch TV.

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER (ON TV): Warning.
The Federal Communications Commission

has determined
the following content

to be emotionally harmful.

Young children should not view this
content under any circumstances,

even if supervised
by a parent or guardian.

The views and
opinions expressed,

including the depictions
of persons of color

and members of
the LGBTQA+ community

do not reflect any official
policy or position

of the U. S. Government.

This program contains graphic
language, violence, nudity,

misogyny, racism,
anti-semitism, hate crimes,

and depictions
of sexual assault.

Be advised.

♪ ♪

MAN: I'm dead.

Shot in the head.

Washed up in Boston Harbor.

That's the last photo that
will ever be taken of me.

Rolf Muller.
Circus Strongman.

Except that's not me.

I just need people to think
it is so they'll stop looking.

I'm not ready to tell you
who I really am.

If I did, you wouldn't
watch until the end.

So,
let's start at the beginning.

Extry, extry!

War of the Worlds broadcast
throws Manhattan into panic!

Alien invasion just a...

Hoax! Read all about it!

(HORN BEEPS)

♪ ♪

This is a stick up!
Everyone on the ground, now!

- Wallets and watches!
- (GUNSHOTS)

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

Open that safe, now!

We don't... we don't have a safe.

- (GUNSHOT)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)

Grab one of the dames!

- On your feet!
- (WOMAN SCREAMS)

Now, you open that safe,
or we blow her brains out

all over your Lux Laundry Soap!

- You got three seconds.
- Please, there's no safe, I swear!

- Three... two...
- (WOMAN WHIMPERS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

♪ ♪

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(COCKS PISTOL)

(GUNSHOTS)

(GASPING)

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERS): Who are you?

HOODED JUSTICE: Who am I?

When I was little,
every time I looked in the mirror,

I saw a stranger
staring back at me.

He was very, very angry.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

What could I do
with all this anger...

Hot, vibrating electricity
with no place to ground it?

If he couldn't
release his rage...

maybe I could help him hide it.

I never felt comfortable
in my own skin,

so I made a new one.

And when I slipped it on,
he and I became one.

His anger became mine,

as did his thirst for justice.

So, who am I?

If I knew the answer to that...

I wouldn't be wearing
a fucking mask.

(PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY)

(VOICES MURMURING)

Jane, I'm so sorry.

Thank you for coming.

I'm sorry, I should've called.

I didn't know all these people
were gonna be here.

You must be Angela.
Joe Keene.

Senator.

Just Joe.

Jane here has to call me Senator
because she works for me.

Used to work for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Judd was a great man.

Yeah. Thank you.

I just want you to know
whatever resources y'all need

to get the animals
who did this, they're yours.

Oh, I'm not a cop anymore.

I retired.

Right. Of course.
I'm sorry.

Can I take those flowers?
Jane, do you have a vase?

Honey, are you okay?

- Whoa, whoa.
- Jesus!

I'm so sorry.
I came over here to take care of you.

JANE: Now I get to take care of you.

You should be with your friends.

You are my friend too.

And so was he.

(WHISPERING): He loved you.

He really did.

You get those fuckers
that did this to him.

Okay?

And you take
as much time as you need.

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(HOOVES CLOMPING)

(HORSE WHINNIES)

- Whoa up, Bucephalus.
- (WHINNIES)

♪ ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Please, let's get on with it.

(FASTER): ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
which nobody can deny ♪

(BLOWS)

Ms. Crookshanks,
when is a lie not a lie?

When it's acting, Master.

Real tears tonight, yeah?

Every drop, sir.

PHILIPS: Oh! Sir?

Forgive me, I shall require
the watch I gifted you.

- As a prop.
- Oh.

Has it ever occurred to you, Mr. Philips...

you are the prop?

Would you like it
to occur to me, sir?

There are so many things
I'd like to occur to you.

All right, dimwits...
On with the show!

(VIOLIN PLAYING ROMANTIC MELODY)

CROOKSHANKS: These have been the
happiest six months of my life, Jon.

PHILIPS: And mine, Janey.

Time for another beer
before we go?

CROOKSHANKS: Confound it!

I don't have my watch.
Have you fixed it yet?

PHILIPS: I did, indeed!

Damn! I must have
left it in the...

Must have left it in
the intrinsic field generator!"

I'll go fetch it.

Eureka! There it is!

- Oh my!
- (GRUNTS)

I appear to be locked in.

(DRUM BEATING)

Janey!

If you could just open the door.

I can't!
The lock, it's...

(SIGHS) As impenetrable as
the Gordian Knot itself!

Oh. It's as impenetrable
as the Gordian Knot itself!

Oh, Jon.

I can't bear to see your
body being torn asunder

by the quantum fates!

I love you, Jon Osterman!

And I love you, Janey Slater!

MASKED MUSICIAN: Three, two, one...

(MR. PHILIPS SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING): Master!

The tears, Crookshanks...
Let's see those damn tears!

(MR. PHILIPS SCREAMING)

Oh, Jon.

My dear beloved Jon.

(VIOLIN PLAYING BRIGHT MELODY)

My God! Jon?

Is that you?

I am both Jon and not Jon.

I am the past, the present,
and the future all at once.

Boundless omniscience incarnate,

swirling in the luminous
plasma of a newborn star!

I am...

Dr. Manhattan!

Oh, Jon...
is this the end?

Nothing ends, Janey.

BOTH: Nothing ever ends.

(LIGHT CLACKS OFF)

Fantastic!

Bravo!

Bravo!
(APPLAUDING)

It was all your
magnificent words, Master.

Poppycock! It was us.
It was all of us, working together.

Transcendent!

- We're thrilled you enjoyed it, Master!
- Mm.

Ladies, gentlemen...

Fantastic.

Job well done.

Now, if you would kindly
remove Mr. Philips's corpse.

Shall we put him in the cellar
with the others, sir?

I'm sorry.
Your name is...?

- Montrose, sir.
- Montrose. How would you like to be the new Mr. Philips?

I'd be honored, Master.

Mr. Philips,
the basement will be perfect.

We'll have use for him
before too long.

Oh. Oh, no, wait.

(BODY THUDS)

(SIGHS, GROANS)

(BONES CRACK)

Has it stopped, Master?

No, Ms. Crookshanks.

It's only just begun.

(TICKING)

What the fuck are you doing?

Cooking some eggs.
You like 'em hard-boiled?

Where'd you get eggs from?

Grocery, across the street.

You left and then you came back?

We hadn't done talking yet.

Well, I did what you wanted.

Oh. What'd I want?

Skeletons in the closet?

I'm not following you.

You said Crawford had
skeletons in his closet,

so I went and I looked
in his fucking closet.

Oh. I didn't mean literally.

What's this?

Did you put it there?
Are you trying to set him up?

Because that was really
fucking easy to find.

- Was it in his closet?
- Yes.

What floor was it on?
You know, I can't go up stairs.

Yet you hung a man from a tree.

Oh, yeah.
That's true.

You trying to make me think that
he's one of them? The Kavalry?

Well, there's plenty
of good reasons

for a man to hide
a Klan robe in a closet,

but I just can't think of any.

You better tell me what the fuck is
going on here or I'm taking you in.

If you wanted to take me in,
you would've done it by now.

If it's any consolation,
I would've been rescued anyway.

Rescued by fucking who?

I've got friends in high places.

(TIMER RINGS)

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUING)

Hello?

MAN (AUTOMATED VOICE): Good evening.
Is this Will?

- Yes.
- Hello, Will.

Your DNA sample submitted to...

WOMAN (AUTOMATED VOICE): The Greenwood
Center for Cultural Heritage...

MAN (AUTOMATED VOICE): ..has been
processed.

Congratulations!
You are eligible to be a beneficiary

of the Victims of
Racial Violence Act.

You should also know
that we have identified...

two... ancestors and...
two... descendants

in your family tree.

If you know their names,

we can confirm
their relationship to you.

If you'd like to try,
please say their name now.

Angela Abar.

Will. Angela Abar is
your... granddaughter.

♪ ♪

Your parents...

didn't tell you
anything about me?

Nothing.

Hmm.

Now, what do you want to know?

I want to know why you're here.

I wanted to meet you.

And show you
where you came from.

You're under arrest.

♪ ♪

(LOW WHIRRING)

(CLATTERS)

♪ ♪

(MUTTERS): What the fuck?

♪ I looked out the window
seen his bald head ♪

♪ Ran to the fridge
and pulled out an egg ♪

♪ Scoped him with my
scopes, he had no hair ♪

♪ Launched that shot and
he was caught out there ♪

♪ Saw the convertible
driving by ♪

♪ I loaded up the
slingshot, let one fly ♪

♪ He went for his to
find he didn't have one ♪

♪ Put him in check,
correct, with my egg-gun ♪

♪ The egg, a symbol of life ♪

♪ I go inside your house
and bust out your wife ♪

♪ I pulled out the jammy,
he thought it was a joke ♪

♪ The trigger,
I pulled his face, the yolk ♪

♪ Reached in his pocket,
took all his cash ♪

♪ Left my man standing
with the egg mustache ♪

♪ Suckers,
they come a dime a dozen ♪

♪ "When I say dozen,
you know what I'm talkin' about, boy" ♪

♪ Yeah, that's right,
I'm the Egg Man ♪

♪ Driving around,
king of the town ♪

♪ Always got my
windows rolled down ♪

♪ Ready to throw, you
know, I'm the Egg Man ♪

- ♪ Once upon a time ♪
- ♪ Egg Man ♪

♪ Humpty-Dumpty
was a big fat egg ♪

♪ He was playing the wall,
then he broke his leg ♪

♪ Tossed it out the
window, three minutes hot ♪

♪ Hit the Rastaman,
he said, "Blood clot!" ♪

♪ Which came first,
the chicken or the egg? ♪

♪ I egged the chicken,
and then I ate his leg ♪

♪ Riding the trains,
in between cars ♪

- ♪ When I pull out the station ♪
- ♪ You're Gonna Get Yours ♪

- ♪ Drive-by eggings ♪
- ♪ Plaguing LA ♪

♪ "Yo,
you just got my little cousin, ese" ♪

- ♪ Sometimes hard-boiled ♪
- ♪ Sometimes runny, Ray ♪

♪ Comes from a chicken,
not a bunny, dummy ♪

♪ People laugh, it's not funny ♪

- ♪ Yow!
- ♪ And I'm throwing yolk ♪

♪ Now they got me in a
cell, but I don't care ♪

♪ It was then that I got caught
catching people out there ♪

♪ Up on the roof,
in my car, up all night ♪

♪ I'm going through
science like Dolemite ♪

♪ The Mack, who? ♪

♪ I'm the Egg Man, taxi driver? ♪

♪ I'm the Egg Man ♪

♪ Egg Man, Egg Man ♪

♪ We all dressed in black,
we snuck up around the back ♪

♪ We began to attack,
the eggs did crack on Haze's back ♪

♪ Family, punk rocks,
the businessman ♪

♪ I'll dog everybody
with the egg in my hand ♪

♪ Not like the crack
that you put in a pipe ♪

♪ But crack on your forehead,
here's a towel, now wipe ♪

♪ Egg Man, Egg Man,
Egg Man, Egg Man ♪

♪ Egg Man, Egg Man,
Egg Man, Egg Man ♪

Are you ready to venture
into the great beyond?

"Look on my works,
ye Mighty, and despair."

I promise to defend us from all
enemies, foreign and domestic.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

We should be prepared.

What are you guys up to?

Who the fuck are you?

Special Agent Laurie Blake.

Who the fuck are you?

God snaps his fingers...

(SNAPS)

...and the hero goes to hell.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪