Warehouse 13 (2009–2014): Season 4, Episode 5 - No Pain No Gain - full transcript

Previously on Warehouse 13...

If the Warehouse is to survive,

a new caretaker must be
in place before I die.

Me.

She came into my house
and stole from me...

Dismantled my life's work,
and I will respond in kind.

The brotherhood follow no rules.

I figured it out last week.

Whenever I get hurt...

Oh, ow, oh, they got me.

Claudia feels the pain.



In Shinto belief,
Emperor Jimmu descended

from the sun goddess.

He reigned for 75 years,

often accompanied
by a wild crow.

From that crow,
there exists a feather.

Behold.

Beautiful, but deadly.

And money?

Also beautiful.

Now we drink to honor Jimmu.

Stop her!

Oh!

Claude, don't look,
you'll go insane!

Whew!



- Wait.
- Huh?

Something's vibrating.

I think it's me.

Ugh, it's my sister, Tracy.

Hey, trace, listen,
I'm just at work.

I'll call you back...

What?

Oh, my God, that's great news.

- Congratulations.
- What, what, what, what?!

My sister's pregnant.

I-I'm gonna be an aunt.

I'm gonna get to hold
a new life in my arms.

Trace? Listen, what do you think
about a Japanese theme

for the nursery?

4x05
- No Pain, No Gain -

- Who you rooting for?
- Nobody.

Right, let me see
if I can explain

this whole sports fan
thing to you.

- Let's say there was a...
- Hello, kitties!

We're back from Japan.

Domo arigato.

Put that thing under
a neutralizer light.

Whatever you say, Rilakkuma.

What's a Rikaluma?

It's a Japanese bear

who loves custard pudding.

Oh, Artie,
you got a new nickname.

How would you like a new job?

Hmm...

I got it for my sister, Tracy.

She's pregnant.

- Wow.
- Yeah, I'm so excited.

Really?

Yeah.

N-no, yeah, no,
that's... it's just that

you know, she's, you know,
the younger sister,

and you're the older sister.

Are you living in 1957?

Getting pregnant's not on my
current to-do list, all right?

How about finding an artifact.

Is that on your current
to-do list?

We got a ping from last night's
game in Toronto.

Let's go to the videotape.

Toronto's Mike Madden
has the puck.

Baird is charging.

Oh! Baird nails him
in the right arm.

- So Baird has the artifact.
- Watch.

That looks like
a career-ending break.

What a shame.

This vet's been on fire lately,

but you break your arm,
and it's over.

There, do you see that?

- I do.
- See what?

What, she's the observant one,

and I'm the one
who eats all the time.

Hey, w-wait, he's up.
Madden is up!

So Madden has some kind of
healing artifact.

Oh, he's healed, all right,
and he's stronger than ever.

Fast forwarding.

Baird with the puck.

Madden approaches him...

Wow!

- Whoa.
- That's not hockey.

That's pole vaulting.

How the hell did he do that?

That's what I
want you to find out.

Stop that hockey player
before he kills someone.

We're on it.

And I'm gonna stay here
and keep you company.

At least he does
what he's told.

Oh... he's so soft and fuzzy.

The bear too.

Oh!

Oh, um, this arrived for you.

What?

Who would write me
at the Warehouse?

I encourage you to open
the envelope and find out.

I've been cordially
invited to lunch.

Eek.

By Mrs. Frederic.

Why? Why?

Why don't you ask her?
Over lunch.

Do you think this
has something to do with

the weird feelings
I've been having lately?

What weird feelings?

I don't know, like, uh...

Out of nowhere I get these
weird kicks in the gut,

my heart races,
I can't catch my breath.

It's like I'm not
in control of myself.

Why didn't you tell me
about this sooner?

I don't know,
I didn't wanna worry you?

Look, forget I said anything.

I clearly have bigger problems.

Hey, are you guys going in
to watch practice?

- Could you take this in for me?
- And this?

- You know, for Mike Madden?
- Are those molasses crinkles?

Okay, keep moving.

Okay, remember, for Mike.

Oh, I love molasses crinkles.

One thing I've learned
in 20 years of running a team...

Never eat fan food.

It could be laced
with who knows what.

Could make your parts fall off.

Coach!

All right, listen up.

The league sent
these nice folks out.

They have some questions.

You will answer them.

I'd like to start
with Mike Madden.

Of course you would.

Anything to meet the most
eligible bachelor in Toronto.

Pffft!

Hi, I'm Agent Bering.

Well, it's nice to meet you
Agent Bering.

So, I just wanted to ask you...

Why I was voted the most
eligible bachelor in Toronto?

I'm sure I'll read all about
that in your memoir.

Um, you've been
playing rough lately.

Right, and the league
has a problem with that?

It's hockey.

Well, you put a guy
through the glass.

- How'd you do that?
- Well, there must have been

a crack in it already.

But you'd just been injured
very badly.

Yes, but during a game,
your adrenaline surges,

so you just keep going.

Well how about now,
are you in pain now?

Look, every player
on the ice is in pain.

We live with it 24/7,

but if you think
I'm on something,

feel free to draw some blood,
or I could pee in a cup for you.

You got a cup?

May I see that necklace
you're wearing?

The league
is cracking down on gold.

So I would like to test it.

Unless, of course, you have
a problem removing it.

- Uh... you finished?
- Yeah.

Gooery didn't need
to be flushed after all.

Where you headed?

Uh, inventory.

Hang back, Tray,
I'm gonna need you.

Artie's lying.

Hey, the team is winning

'cause we're all
working our butts off.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe some
people have a little help,

you know? Insurance.

We're all clean here.

Right, boss?

That's right, beast.

None of my boys take

any performance-enhancing
substances.

Now here's the x-ray
you asked for.

Mike's arm,
taken right after the game.

No reaction.
Good.

Well, here you go.

And it's shinier than before.

And stickier too.

- Are we done?
- One more question.

- Do you like antiquing?
- What?

You know, going to flea
markets, buying old stuff?

Are you asking me on a date?

Just answer the question
like the team owner said.

No, because
it's a stupid question.

- Good-bye.
- There are no stupid questions,

okay? Only stupid people.

So if anyone's
stupid here, it's you!

He's hostile and unresponsive.

I wonder why.

Oh, here I got the x-ray
of Madden's stupid arm!

So wh... what,
you can read those things?

Yeah, I was pre-med
before I was pre-law

before I joined
the secret service.

And yet, you ended up
in the exact same place as me.

I'm just saying.

Something's wrong.

The hand in this x-ray
shows a bilateral fusion

between the trapezium
and the trapezoid.

It's a congenital condition.

So? And may I add, huh?

So when I shook Mike's hand...

I felt those bones,
and there was no fusion.

The x-Ray's a fake?

This isn't
stupid Madden's stupid arm.

We need to break into
the medical office

and find the real x-ray.

All right,
we need a distraction.

I'm gonna jump on the Zamboni,

and I'm gonna zoom around
the ice while you...

Pete, no one's... no one's
looking at us... so...

I know, but I wanted
to ride the Zamboni.

I know you did.

It's okay.
Let's go.

No.

No.

Trailer.

He's with me.

You shouldn't have followed me.

Artie, you're lying.

You know I can tell.

Now, what's going on?

Artifacts are disappearing
from the Warehouse.

First it was Bobby Fischer's
marble and now...

Primo Levy's scarf and who knows
what else has been taken.

I thought the Warehouse
had a detection system

that alerts you when
artifacts go missing.

It should... it does,
but it didn't alert my computer.

Okay, so let's just call
Claudia and...

Nope, no.

No, we'll... just keep all this
between us for now.

- Understood?
- Okay.

Well, this can't
have been random.

I went myself to turin in 1987
to snag the scarf.

- So it meant something to you.
- Yeah.

What other items
would get under your skin.

The katana.

The katana.

Aisle kamakura east!

Come on!

Come on, Tray.

Did you find Madden's real arm?

Yeah. There's no fusing
in the metacarpals.

And, I mean,
the bone is clearly broken,

but this... this I have
never seen before.

The muscle and cartilage
have actually

grown around
the broken bone to support it.

That thing's
being held together

by the artifact equivalent
of spit and glue.

Yeah, but
it's not just his arm.

I mean, his knee is shot
and his ribs are cracked.

This guy should not be playing
professional hockey.

Pete, this guy shouldn't even
be walking.

Aw, man.

Quick, before he
gets out of the shower.

Okay.

Helmet.

The mouth guard.

Shin guard.

- Uh...
- Penis guard.

Eew.

No reaction.

Maybe Mike has
the artifact on him.

No, he's naked in the shower,
and I already checked his chain.

How much you pay me not
to tell anyone you said that?

- 50 bucks.
- Done.

Okay.

Really, that's how
it's gonna be, eh?

Well, what do you want?

You're holding out on me!

I'll go.

I'll stay here.

No, I'm not,
I swear to God, I'm not.

Then what's making you
so strong, huh?!

Back off, Frank, or I'll do
to you what I did to Baird.

Hey, knock it off!

Stay out of this, man.

No, I'm in it, okay?

And so is the league if you
don't back off right now.

Fine, man.

We're cool, right, Mike?

Yeah, yeah, we're cool.

Aw, man, these were brand new.

Myka, Myka.

Hey, sign says
team personnel only.

Oh, well I must have missed it.

Well someone's
not very observant.

Well someone's penis guard
is not very b...

Ho-kay.

Uh, why don't
we let Mike get dressed,

and, uh, I need to talk to you.

Okay? Here we go.

- Come on.
- Oh, look, there it is.

I see your stupid sign now.

Mykes, Mykes,
he was fighting in there.

And he wasn't the same guy
we saw on the ice.

He was in pain.

I don't think
he's using an artifact.

I think someone's
using one on him.

What about Larry Kemp,
the owner?

That would explain why
he gave us the wrong x-ray.

Well... okay.

Let's just hope
he's not in the shower too.

Thank you, ma'am.
Be right back.

Miss Donovan,
thank you for joining me.

Sure.

Am I late?

Did I miss lunch?

No time.

Let's take a walk.

That's what the mafia says

when you're about
to get whacked.

Do they?

Well, this concerns your
relationship with the Warehouse.

Oh, my, uh, my destiny?

And mine.

Has something changed?

Not yet.

I just think it's time
you had a glimpse.

Don't worry,
you won't be whacked.

- Come.
- Yes, ma'am.

All right, Kemp, spit it out.

What did you do to Mike Madden?

Well, hello to you, too.

Canadian customs
confiscate your manners?

How's he sustaining

that level of play?

Like all great athletes,
he's rising to the challenge.

He's practically crippled,

which is why you showed us
the phony x-ray.

It's not like
you had a warrant.

Mike put a guy
through the glass.

Now what are you doing to him?

What am I doing to him?

Look, two of my best players
are on the injured reserve list.

If I were doing
anything to help him play,

I would do it to them and not an
old war horse like Mike Madden.

Aw, come on, I mean,
the guy's having a great year.

Oh, yeah, he really brings it
for the fans at the home games,

and on the road,
he's a total wash.

I think we're done here.

- Pete?
- Yeah?

I think we need to take
a closer look at the rink.

So Mike brings it
at home games.

Ipso facto, the artifact
must be here in the arena.

Another facto, I was watching
Mike during practice.

The guy was wobbly.

So what's here during games

that isn't here
the rest of the time?

I don't know, fans?

Mykes, maybe one of the hometown
fans is "bringing it" for Mike.

And that narrows it down
to about 15,000 suspects.

Gone!

Gone!

And gone!

Gone! Someone is undoing
my life's work!

Can you please
stop for a second?

Look, we just need to think
and get ahead of this thing.

Now is there any artifact
the intruder might have taken

that's easy for us to locate?

An artifact
with a homing device?

Yeah, that would be convenient.

The McCoy rifle.

I snagged the McCoy rifle.

Don't just stand there!

You do know I'm on foot, right?

Excellent!

The McCoy rifle is gone.

And... now we gotta see

if the hatfield rifle
is missing too.

We have to separate both rifles.

Wouldn't he take both?

Not if he's trying
to make a point.

I did not snag
the hatfield rifle.

That was another agent.

If the hatfield rifle is here,

it will lead us to the McCoy.

- Come on!
- If you're trying to kill me,

you're too late.

Look around, miss Donovan.

- Do you sense anything?
- Hunger?

I think there's
a falafel place down the...

Pay attention.

Look beyond what you see.

Her.

Very good.

Don't point.
It's rude.

What is it about her?

Stay focused.

Be a good boy.

Did you set those earrings
aside for me?

This is a robbery!

We're not here to intervene.

Stay with me.

Don't move!

Don't!

Everybody just
get down on the ground!

No!

No!

Help is coming.

You're gonna be okay.

You saved that baby's life.

I'm a doctor... if you're not
needed, please step back.

Did you know
that was gonna happen?

It depends what
you mean by "that"

and what you mean by "happen".

Well, I saw her
bracelet get all glowy,

but I don't know what
the artifact did unless...

Unless that was...

The birth of an artifact.

Imbued by the bravery
of a moment,

an ordinary woman
doing an extraordinary thing.

Shouldn't we snag it?

No, it's hers.

It only becomes ours
if it starts causing trouble.

But d... I thought most
artifacts came from...

Bold-face names, you know?

People with Wikipedia pages.

The creation of an artifact

is simply the meeting of an
object, a person and a moment.

That's a good glimpse.

You got a rockin' gig, Mrs. F.

Mrs. Frederic.

There's something else
you should see.

Oh, uh, am I
going with you or...

Unless you'd like
to take the bus.

Okay.

Look, Mike, we can't
get into specifics,

but we're pretty sure
one of your fans

is boosting
your ability to play.

Are there any particular fans
that you interact with?

No, I'm polite, but you gotta
keep your distance.

We really appreciate this.

We know that, um, this might
end your season, so...

Well, hey, if I'm getting
some kind of outside help,

I don't want it;
That's cheating

and, um, I don't cheat.

All right,
well, here's the plan.

We're gonna gather
all your hardcore fans

into one section,
then we're gonna

raffle off a dinner with you
after the game.

Yes, and early in the game,

you'll take a fall and pretend

to be hurt very badly.

Like during the last game.

Exactly, and then we'll,
you know,

we'll study them very closely
to make sure none of them

pulls out a rolling pin
or something.

A what?

Nothing.
Just ignore him.

Hey, uh, okay,
we gotta finish setting up.

No problem, I got it.

Agent Bering?

I still don't know
your first name.

Oh, it's, uh, Myka.

Wow, Mike and Myka.

Like Papageno and Papagena from...

Mozart's Magic Flûte.

You know opera?

Yeah, yeah,
don't tell my teammates.

Well, 'cause you never know...

Hey, can we get going?

Uh, you can play
Mike's magic flute later.

I have to go kill him now,
so I'm just gonna... go...

Ugh, get me some popcorn
and a tampon,

'cause I am watching
a romantic comedy.

What?! Shut up!

Oh, yeah, you and Mike meet,

you hate each other and the next
thing you know, you're kissing.

That's crazy.

Oh, yeah?

'Cause love is crazy, Mykes.

That's right, girl.

I am the sassy best friend.

We caught a break.

Hatfield rifle is still here.

Gloves.

And how's it connected
to the other rifle?

Gravitational pull
between the barrels

fueled by the hatred
between the clans

and also... now your eyes
are younger than mine.

You look through the sights,
tell me what you see.

Just...
Okay.

It's just a window and what
looks like a garage.

Any identifying landmarks?

Just a giant cow.

Cow.

Like a cow with lipstick?

Yeah.

I know that cow.

It's outside a steakhouse
in Featherhead.

Excellent clue.
Not a bad lunch.

Bring the rifle.

Marry me!

Okay, guys.

Make sure you put your name,

correct information,
and your seat number...

Good job...

For the big raffle's
after the game.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, well, that's cute.

Just, I'm sorry, one card each.

She's always over the top.

Oh, yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are you all set to do this?

Who knows?

- Sure.
- I wish I could tell you more

about what's going on,
it's just, uh...

- Unexplainable.
- Yeah.

Sorry.

Thank you.

You know, when I first met you,

I didn't wanna
let go then either.

That was kinda
unexplainable too.

For good luck?

Look, Mike's kissing someone!

You go, girl!

Hey.

Hey, there, buckaroo.

Uh...

I-I'm the purse inspector.

I know.

Where...
Where's your mom and dad?

Jakey, what are you doing?

Come on.

Our seats are over here.

Mike's hurt!

Oh, my God,
what the hell is that?!

Myka, where'd you go?

Pete, I'm in the ladies room
behind section D.

I need you now.

- Mykes?
- Yeah...

Oh, my God,
you're... you're pregnant.

I know...

You're really, really pregnant.

I know.

How the hell did that happen?

I don't know!

I'm guessing she had sex.

Pete?

You know my... oh, Pete, my bra's
really not made for these.

Okay, okay, here, put this on.

Yes.

Oh, my God,
I had to get out of there.

The smell of ammonia... I-
I can smell everything now.

All right, well, in advance
of what I'm sure I'll do,

- I apologize.
- Who?

Right, okay, look, Mykes,
somebody whammied you.

Ya think?

Okay, I know where and when,

but I don't know who,
what, or how.

Call Artie.

If Claudia finds out
you borrowed her Prius C,

she's gonna rake you
over the coals.

Well, joke'll be on her then.

What?

Uh, nothing.

Hey, have you, uh, checked out
this car's entune system?

It's got, uh, Bing and Pandora.

Oh, what a relief.
That way if we can't find

the missing artifact,

we can customize
our music stations.

- Hey, cow.
- Yes.

I think the garage
must be nearby.

- Whoa!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The hatfield rifle's
starting to tug.

That means the McCoy is nearby.

Wait...

- Artie!
- This better be important.

Artie, I'm pregnant.

Ha, ha and I'm Mary,
Queen of Scots.

What? How did you... Pete!

I didn't even touch her.

Look, Artie,
I was at the hockey and game,

and I felt this pain
in my abdomen,

and then I don't know
what happened

and I don't know why
I'm starting to cry.

It's hormonal.

Don't say hormonal, okay?

It makes me wanna cry more.

See, that's why
I never married.

Preaching to the choir.

Look, Artie,
this came out of nowhere.

We thought we were hunting
for a healing artifact

owned by a fan.

A healed athlete,
pregnant woman.

This could be a wish-fulfillment
artifact instead.

Myka, what did you touch?

What?! You... you... you think
that I wished for this?

What is wrong with you guys?

Okay, I am very
happy for my sister,

but I don't wanna be pregnant.

Yeah, well, who else
would wish this on you?

Well, I don...
I don't know, Artie.

Uh, Mike?
I mean, we did kiss.

Artie, the rifle...
I can't hold still much longer.

Well, talk to Mike,
and no more kissing!

- He didn't even say good-bye.
- He never does.

Okay.

You know, Pete, maybe...
Maybe I don't know myself.

You know, maybe... maybe I am
jealous of my sister.

Maybe I did wish for this.

Yeah, I don't think so.

What makes you say that?

Because I wished for it.

What?

Well, I don't know, Mykes.

You know, it was
just a passing thought.

I mean, I saw this cute kid,
and I called him buckaroo.

What would that have to do
with me being pregnant?

Well, I've been
thinking, you know,

am I ever gonna have a family?

You know, I mean, who wants
to share my insane life?

And then,
I realized that someone

already shares my insane life.

Just stop, okay?

Stop!
I will not start crying again.

Okay, okay, what...
What were you in contact with

when you saw that little boy?

The keychain, Mykes.

The keychain, it had a bunch
of things on it.

Okay, okay,
then we'll find the keychain.

We'll neutralize it.

But first, I have to pee.

Close the door!

Hey, are you okay?

What the hell?
I could have been shot!

Yeah... I... sorry, I kinda
forgot you had the rifle.

Oh, you forgot?

Yeah, what are you getting
so upset about?

You would have been shot,
but you're on the metronome.

- You wouldn't have died.
- Yeah, but Claudia might have.

Excuse me?

Uh... what? No, no.
I don't know.

Steve?

You were saying
something about Claudia.

Please, go on.

All right.

Ever since Claudia brought me
back, we've been...

Connected.

Every time I get hurt,
she feels the pain.

Oh, so that's the weirdness
she was talking about.

See, I was afraid that...
Something else.

- Uh, she doesn't know.
- No.

That's why I've been
trying to lay low.

- It's to protect her.
- Yeah.

We gotta get you
off that metronome.

I've been looking
into it, Artie.

I don't know if it's possible.

At Warehouse 13,
anything's possible.

You know, sometimes.

Yeah, we gotta get this rifle

back in the trunk
before you get Claudia shot.

Guys, where is she?

The one who was sitting here?

She left.

She was super-pissed at Mike

for kissing that pretty girl.

- She wasn't that pretty.
- Hey, she's pretty!

Wait, you have all the fans'
names, right?

Yeah, yeah.
Uh, uh...

There, Judy Giltoy,
I even have her address.

- Okay, just give me a push.
- Okay.

They're all here.

The katana sword, McCoy rifle...

The Van Gogh.

Mata Hari's stockings.

Huh.

Primo Levy's scarf.

Artie Nielson,
this is your life.

You okay?

No, I'm not okay.

This is a massive breach.

Which we stopped.

And as soon as everyone gets
back, we'll all track d...

No, it's too dangerous to...

There is a protocol.

I will inform everyone
at the right time.

Let's just get everything back
to the Warehouse.

Artie?

Those are shipping supplies.

I'm not sure this is everything.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Yup, we're definitely
in the right place.

Sorry about stopping.

I just so really
needed Mexican food.

That other burrito
was supposed to be for me.

I know.

Whoa, hey, check this out.

Turns out Mike did know Judy,

which explains why she got
so mad about the kiss.

Pete, it's the same shot of
Judy in both of these pictures.

She photoshopped herself in.

Yeah.

All right.

"John Giltoy,
beloved father and grandfather."

He died recently.

Oh, he was a world war ii vet.

Oh, no way.

He survived
the bataan death march.

He and his buddy, Roy Shrop.

Mykes, listen to this.

"With 20 miles remaining,
Shrop fell deathly ill.

"The Japanese would
have left him for dead,

"but Giltoy urged him on.

"'You can do this', Giltoy told
his friend, over and over."

Compelled his friend to
perform an extraordinary feat.

He wished so hard,
he made it true.

Mykes, there were dog tags
on Judy's keys.

I mean, they were probably
the grandpa's right?

So we just wait here for her to
come home and snag the artifact.

That's great.

But I have to pee again.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey, Mike, Mike, hi.

Would you get in my car,
please?

Excuse me, do I know you?

Mike, I need you
to get in my car.

Pete, she's not coming home.

There's no toothbrush
or toothpaste.

The drawers are all open.

She packed in a hurry.

- She's gone.
- Yeah, but where?

Look, I really
appreciate your...

See, you shouldn't
make me do this.

Then I wish your arm
wasn't healed.

Let's get in my car before
I have to do your knees too.

You know, start again.

Hi. I'm Judy,
and I love you, Mike.

And you love me.

You just don't know it yet.

They found his keys
and his gym bag on the ground.

Security camera showed a woman
shoving him into her car,

but police couldn't
read the plates.

All right, uh, thanks.

We'll... we'll call you
if we hear anything.

Judy has abducted Mike,

and the police have
no idea where they are.

All right, okay.

Uh... clue.

Got to focus, focus.

Mykes, can you do your...
Your observing thing?

You know,
it's kind of hard right now.

Right.

Um, what about, um, what about
your female intuition?

Right? I mean, you've never been
more, you know, female-y, right?

So if you were an emotionally
unstable female...

Not saying that you are,

not saying that you are...
But if you were,

where would you take him?

There.

Grandpa left Judy
the dog tags, his ashes,

and I bet that he left her
that cabin too.

We'll get the address
from Artie on the way.

Hi.

I made us some hot cider.
Hmm?

Oh, isn't this romantic?

Hi.

How you feeling?

Better.

After you fixed my arm.

Again.
Ha ha.

You're welcome.

Oh, Mike, oh,
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

I have done so much for you.

Now, my plan was to wait until
after the championships

to tell you, but then I saw you
kissing that woman.

See, I've been cheering you
all season long, Mike.

Wishing you to shoot faster
and skate harder

and throw that guy
through the glass.

Oh, and you didn't even
know we were a team.

- I did not.
- I know.

So, uh, what do you
want from me?

Um, well...

We could start with a kiss.

Okay...

Yeah.
Close your eyes.

Mm.

You are gonna wish
you didn't do that.

Whatever you're doing,
stop, please.

My legs.

Oh, now see, that's the pain

that you would
have felt every day

if I hadn't wished it away.

Wish it away again.
Please.

Um, no, I'm sorry.

Not until you learn to behave.

Shh!

Quiet.

Damn it, what's he doing here?

Shh!

Ow! Ow!

Hey, are you all right?

Not really.

She went out back,
she's got an axe.

Well, never a dull moment.

Dude, your leg's not supposed
to bend like that.

I know!

Judy?

- Pete!
- Mykes?!

I don't know
how you people found me,

but I am not in
the mood for this!

Oh, my God, how much perfume
are you wearing?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna puke.

- Hey!
- Shoot her, Pete!

I don't have a shot, Mykes.

Drop your gun,
or I hurt your fat friend.

- Hey!
- All right, just...

Hey, g-go easy, okay?

Obviously my friend
is pregnant and harmless.

She tried to shoot me
with that weird gun.

I dropped the tesla,
and I couldn't pick it up.

Okay?

We're both unarmed.

We'll get in the car
and forget this ever happened.

No, you won't.

You're gonna go get the police.

Which is why I now have to
take care of this.

You really shouldn't have come.

I wish your lungs
would collapse.

No!

I wish you were taking
your last breath.

Pete!

Pete!

Pete!

No!

Nice try, misery!

Surprise!

Back at ya!

I hooked it with my toe.

Ha ha.
That's right.

Don't mess with the mama bear.

Oh, my God, Pete.

Pete, I think I just
peed myself a little.

Just... Pete, hurry,
bag the artifact, quick!

Yeah, yes, yes.

- Pete, quick!
- Hold on!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I-I got my body back!

I have a stomach
and a waist and hips.

It's all good!

It's goodie good good good!

Oh, my God,
I should go check on Mike.

Eh?

You go, girl.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, uh, how's Mike?

He's okay.

Hockey players can, uh,

- really handle pain.
- Mm.

And you?

Well, only my romantic comedy

would turn into
a Steven king movie, so...

Pretty good twist
at the end, though.

Yeah, how did you know
to fake your own death?

I don't know.

I just... after Judy
made her wish, right?

I realized that
I could still breathe.

Of course, you know,
she had an axe to your throat,

so I just kinda... went with it.

So why didn't the wishing work?

I've been thinking
about that too.

Maybe the dogtags just work
on people that you love, right?

Um, like, Judy's grandpa
used it on his army buddy,

Judy used it on Mike,
I used it on y...

Do I... do I have a booger?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Look closely.

You just admitted
that you love me.

Oh, Myke, I also love fajitas
and cage fighting

and bald women...
I mean, Sinead o'Connor?

That's a nice try,
Lattimer, okay?

But face it,
I wield tremendous power.

- Yes, you wield the power.
- I do.

Look, for the record,
when it happens for real,

I think that you'll make
a pretty great mom.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, look at the way
you protected me today.

And... I mean,
you're really good at nagging.

- We should get going.
- See?

I'm just... I'm gonna
go say good-bye to Mike.

I'm not gonna go say good-bye
to Mike because, I mean,

how many different ways
can this movie end?

You know, I'm all
out of you go, girls.

Gonna be talk to
the hand from now on.

Is this another
artifact being created?

Because I don't sense anything.

Oh.

Is that Mr. Frederic?

Yes.

He's my grandson.

But he's...

So you're son is...

Long gone.

Not all wonder
is endless, Claudia.