WandaVision (2021): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode 3 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
WANDA: Previously on WandaVision...

The town show fundraiser
is the most important event of the season

and I want us to fit in.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

- I'm Wanda.
- Geraldine.

MAN: (THROUGH RADIO)
Wanda, can you read me?

WANDA: Something strange
happened with Dottie.

Well, something strange happened
before that, too. It's hard to explain.

- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- It wasn't so hard to fit in after all.

What is that?

(BEES BUZZING)



No.

- (GASPS) Is this really happening?
- Yes, my love.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

WandaVision

WandaVision

We got something cooking

And it's looking good

We've got something cooking

And who knew we could

All great expectations
Lead to complications

But it's groovy and fun

It's me and it's you

Together, one plus one

Is more than two



WandaVision

WandaVision

Some sudden surprises

Come in all shapes and sizes

But it's rainbows and sun

It's you and it's me

Together, one plus one is family

WandaVision

Hmm.

Hmm.

- Yep! Definitely pregnant.
- (WANDA CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, that much we figured.

It's just kinda taken us by surprise.

It's just kinda suddenly.
Quite suddenly, wasn't it?

I mean, practically overnight.
I mean... (HESITATES) How did this happen?

You see, when a man and a woman

love each other very much...

Well, we're just tickled pink, or blue.

You're at about four months now.
Is that right?

I thought as much.

We let the little ladies keep tabs
on their growing babies with fruit.

Makes it simple for them.

At four months,
the fetus is about as big as a pear.

At five months, a papaya. Six, grapefruit.

- Seven, pineapple. Eight, honeydew.
- (WANDA CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Hypothetically speaking,

what size fruit would it be
at, say, hmm, 12 hours?

Uh, pardon? 12 hours?

Well, I think this line of questioning
is fruitless. (CHUCKLES)

Well, hypothetically speaking,
should we be concerned?

Hypothetically speaking,
every new father-to-be gets nervous.

Well, I have nerves of steel,
so there goes your theory, Mr. Doctor...

Vision, why don't you see the doctor out?

Good idea. Yes.

Thank you so much
for dropping by, Dr. Nielson.

Well, I'm just glad you caught me in time.

I'm taking the wife
on vacation this afternoon.

Oh! Have a nice holiday! Hey, Herb!

Hey, buddy!

Listen, you can keep
the news of Wanda's... (MUMBLES)

You know, just between us because, uh,

I don't know,
everything's happening so quickly.

We'd like to keep the news
just in the family for right now.

Of course. Mum's the word.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm off. Bermuda, baby!

Yes.

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

Hey, Herb!

Think you might've
taken the hedge-trimming

a little too far there, old chum.

So, I have.

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah. Don't mention it.

Huh.

Strangest thing
just happened outside with...

Whoa, Nelly!
Have you gotten bigger?

Have I? I can't tell from this angle.

I can't wait... (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
...to be a proud papaya.

"Nesting, the overwhelming
urge during pregnancy to clean,

"organize, and prepare
the home for the new baby."

See? You're an expert already.
We've got nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about
outside of morning sickness,

mood swings, aching back and...

Feet. Darling,
you should probably sit down.

Don't be silly. All I feel is excitement,
happiness, and... (GASPS) Oh!

Kicking? Already?

- Wow!
- Oh, it's such a strange sensation.

It's kind of fluttery. (GIGGLES)

(GASPS) Oh, did I do that?
I didn't mean to.

- Oh. Uh, darling.
- Oh.

- Hello, little fella.
- (CHUCKLES)

Well, if that was the first kick,

that puts you at about six months!

Boy, oh, boy, I thought I had super speed.

I can't keep up.
Please don't misinterpret.

I can't wait to meet you, little Billy.
(KISSES)

- Billy?
- Yeah.

Well, I was thinking Tommy.

Just a nice, classic, all-American name.

Hmm, Tommy. Hmm, yeah. Yeah.
Then there's Billy, isn't there?

Named after William Shakespeare.

"All the world's a stage.
All the men and women, merely players."

Well, I guess there's only
one solution to this debate.

Hope for a girl.

- (GIGGLES)
- Well, we ought to decide soon.

I estimate the baby's due...

It's not a constant progression,
assumingly logarithmic,

but were I to graph
the fetal development thus far...

He's gonna be here
before you figure it out.

- Nearest I can conclude is that Billy...
- Tommy.

Hmm.

...is due Friday afternoon.

In three days?

(GASPS) Maybe I should sit down.

I think we have an understanding.

Start the clock.

Time.

- Your personal best.
- Yes!

We are nothing if not prepared.

Oh!

- Darling?
- Ooh!

Do any of your books talk about this?

It's not painful, but it's strange.

- A tightening sensation?
- Yep, that's it.

Yes. Where was it, where was it?

"Braxton Hicks contractions,
also known as false labor,

"usually starts in the third trimester.

"Named after John Braxton Hicks in 1875."

Honey.

Sorry. Yes. Yes. Ooh! Excellent!

Gives us a chance
to work on our breathing exercises.

It should go like this.

(BREATHING RHYTHMICALLY)

Yeah, it's not working.
I can still feel it.

I'm sorry.

- (GROANS)
- (FAUCET STARTS RUNNING)

(SCREAMS)

- What the... What the Dickens?
- What's happening now?

- Let's abandon the kitchen.
- (SCREAMING)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

It stopped.

Yes.

I'll go check on the neighbors.

Yes.

Phil?

Do these earrings make me look fat?

Oh, thank God.

It appears that the whole block is out.

Oh, and that was just a fake contraction.

Who knows what will happen
when the real thing starts.

Do you think they know it's my fault?

Our neighbors?

Well, yes, with all the close calls
we've been having,

it seems the people of Westview are always
on the verge of discovering our secret.

Yes, I know what you mean.

But it's more than that, isn't it?

Mr. and Mrs. Hart, dinner.

Outside with Herb.

I think something's wrong here, Wanda.

Yes, I know what you mean.

The truth is, we are in unchartered waters

and you know what?

I'm anxious, too.

We just don't know what to expect.

Nope.

Will the baby be human or Synthezoid?

A bit of both?

If he's anything like his ma,
Billy will be perfect.

You mean Tommy.

- Mmm...
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- (GASPS)
- Oh, no, darling, are you all right?

- This is a real one!
- What?

I thought you said Friday afternoon!

Well, I didn't consider that the timings

between developmental benchmarks
could be quite random!

- (WHIMPERS)
- (BREATHING RHYTHMICALLY)

(BREATHING RHYTHMICALLY)

(BOTH SIGH)

Better.

Yes, darling, thank you, it's passing.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(RAIN FALLING)

Vis...

Yes, dear?

I think my water just broke.

Yes, dear.

(GASPS)

No, no, no, no, no!

- Sorry, Mom.
- Oh.

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

MAN: Do you need a break?

You read my mind.

MAN: Come with me.

Escape to a world all your own,

where your problems float away.

When you wanna get away,
but you don't wanna go anywhere.

Hydra Soak, find the goddess within.

Well, I was just reading about
the advantages of water birth.

(SIGHS)

Oh, thank goodness.

- (GROANING)
- Let me help you up, dear. There you go.

What a mess.

(WIND BLOWING)

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh, that's better.

(GASPS AND GROANS)

Darling, do you think it's time to...

- Call the doctor?
- Yeah. (GROANS)

Yes, I do, dear.

- (GROANS)
- Damn, the phones are down, too.

I better run.

Except, he might
have already left for vacation.

Where? At a time like this?

Well, in fairness, darling, the baby
is approximately nine months early.

I better leg it.

- You'll be all right here?
- Hmm.

(KISSES)

Okay.

(GASPS)

(BREATHING RHYTHMICALLY)

- (GASPS)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- (GASPS)

Oh, shoot.

Uh... Oh!

Wanda, what's up?

It's 75 degrees out.

You're making a fashion statement?

Hi, Geraldine.
You know, now is not really a good time.

No, no, no, it's foxy.

You'll have to let me borrow it sometime.

But first, I gotta borrow a bucket.

Not to wear, to use.

Somehow, all the pipes in my ceiling

burst at once and I gotta bail myself out.

All right, sure.

Just stay right there.

I think I might have
a bucket in the kitchen.

Okay, then.

I think it's just here
under the sink! (SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

Are you all right in there?

Yes, I am just looking.

(GROANS)

Oh!

GERALDINE: I'll come help.

No! I mean, no thank you.

Bingo.

Would you look at that?

What?

Fruit. Wanda! Thank you.

Yummy.

Well, good luck with the leak.

Oh, that... Oh! Say, Wanda,
I've got a question for you.

You know how I've been
working that temp job, right?

Well, my boss, Mr. Haddox,
he was going crazy yesterday...

Oh, look at me going on and on
like you got all the time in the world.

- Let me go on and get out...
- (LOUDLY) Wait. No.

- Tell me about the temp job.
- Oh, that's my girl.

So, yesterday my boss, Mr. Haddox,

was going crazy working on the slogan
for a new breakfast cereal.

You know, the one
with the little marshmallow Moonmen?

- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, those.

So, it's 10 minutes
before the big presentation,

and Mr. Haddox has got nothin'.

Nothin', that is, except
the worst case of hiccups I ever did see.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, Wanda.
He couldn't get out one word,

- let alone a whole pitch.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

GERALDINE: So I'm tryin' every trick
in the book to help this poor man.

I'm hidin' behind filing cabinets

and jumpin' out
when he least expects it, like, boom!

- (BOTH SCREAM)
- (STORK SQUAWKS)

- Wanda.
- (STORK CLACKING)

What was that?

- Did you hear that?
- No.

It was like a chattering sound, like...

Oh! Like a...

(MIMICKING ICE MAKER)

Yeah.

That's my new ice maker
built right into the fridge.

- Oh!
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You're fancy. (GIGGLES)
So now, at this point,

I am helping Mr. Haddox
do a handstand under the water cooler...

- (BREATHING RHYTHMICALLY)
- ...because, you know, why not try

a little upside down,
drink those hiccups away.

And wouldn't you know it,
in that moment, in walks the client.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. But you know me, Wanda,

I keeps my cool,
no matter what's goin' down.

I look at the client,

and I look at Mr. Haddox's feet
floating in the air next to me,

and I look back at the client, and I say,

"Gravity Os, launch into your day,
the right way."

(GERALDINE LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLING SOFTLY) Thank you.

Yes, and that's exactly
what Mr. Haddox said

right before he told me
to clean out my desk.

(GASPS) Oh, no, Geraldine.

He didn't fire you.

Oh, sugar.

He hired me.

Oh!

- Oh, Wanda! I landed a promotion.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)

And now that I've gone all corporate,
I need some office supplies.

Which brings me to my question.

Do y'all still keep
those in your spare room?

Because I was hoping you wouldn't mind

- sharing with your good friend.
- WANDA: Wait. Wait.

Is that what I think it is?

Oh, a stork, yes, I can explain.
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

No! The crib.

(GRUNTS AND BREATHES HEAVILY)

It's coming. Oh. The baby's coming.

You're pregnant?

(GROANS) Ow.

Bermuda awaits and my car

decides to poop out right at this moment.

Whoa. Mr. Vision?
What, is everything okay with the wife?

Yes. So long as we hurry.

But, Stan!

What about my brand-new two-piece?

Okay, Wanda.

- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
- Now, let's get you comfortable. Okay?

(GROANS) I think I'm gonna
lay down right here.

- Okay.
- Vision ran to get the doctor.

He'll be back soon.

No, no, there's not enough time for that.

- Relax. Relax.
- (GROANS)

- You know your breathing, right?
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)

Wanda, I can't hear you.

(GROANING)

(GASPS)

I may be late to the party,

but I imagine there is
a logical explanation for this.

It's all perfectly natural! (SCREAMS)

- Hey, you're doing great.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)

You're doing great.
Look at me. Look at me.

- (BOTH BREATHING RHYTHMICALLY)
- Come on.

(WHISPERS) I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

(WHIMPERING) I can't. I can't.

You can do this.

Yes, you can. You can do this.

- It's time to start pushing.
- Oh.

You ready? You're ready. You're ready.

Push. Push, Wanda. Push!

(SCREAMS)

Push! That a girl.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(PANTING)

(BABY CRYING)

It's a boy.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(BABY COOS)

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, he's perfect.

(DOOR OPENS)

- (VISION GRUNTS)
- (BABY COOING)

Oh, no. I missed it.

Hey, Doc, why don't you help me out
in the kitchen there?

We went so fast,
it was like we were flying.

Well done, Wanda.

Well, don't you wanna
meet your son as yourself?

(BABY COOING)

Ooh. You're strong.

Hello there, little Tommy.

Tommy?

Yes, Tommy.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

- What?
- (GROANS)

Good heavens!

(SCREAMS)

There's another baby coming.

Billy?

- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
- Wanda, push! Push!

(SCREAMS)

Twenty fingers and 20 toes.

You've got two healthy baby boys
on your hands.

- Thank you, Doctor.
- Yeah.

All in a day's work.

And thank you
for your assistance, young lady.

I think you might have
what it takes to be a nurse.

VISION: Allow me to walk you out, Doctor.

Oh, all right. As long as
we actually walk this time.

VISION: Come.

- (SIGHS) I do owe you a debt of gratitude.
- (CHUCKLES)

Well, Dr. Nielson,

I hope you're still
able to make your trip.

Ah, yes, my trip.

I don't think we'll get away after all.

Small towns, you know. So hard to...

Escape.

Yeah.

AGNES: (WHISPERS)
What is she doing in there?

- I don't know.
- Howdy!

HERB: Hey!
AGNES: Howdy!

Did you see her go inside?

HERB: (WHISPERS) She went right in.

AGNES: (WHISPERS) And her tummy was...
Did Geraldine...

Remarkable day we're having, no?

- AGNES: (WHISPERS) That's fine.
- Did you lose power, too?

Oh, sure did.

But Ralph looks better in the dark,
so I'm not complaining.

(VISION AND AGNES CHUCKLE)

Hi, Herb.

Hey, buddy.

AGNES: (SIGHS) Okay.

Well, I'll get back to Wanda.

AGNES: Vision.

Is Geraldine inside with Wanda?

Yes. Why?

GERALDINE: You're such a strong lady.

Oh.

- Can you believe it? Twins!
- (CHUCKLES)

- (BABIES COOING)
- Hi. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I'm a twin.

(BABIES COOING)

I had a brother.

His name was Pietro.

(BABIES COOING)

(SINGING IN SOKOVIAN)

He was killed by Ultron, wasn't he?

What did you say?

HERB: She's new to town. Brand-new.

There's no family.

No husband.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

Hmm.

No home.

What?

What did you say just now?

I said, Wanda,

you're such a strong lady.

Should I say it one more time
for good measure?

No.

What did you say about Pietro?

Pietro?

Uh...

Hey, I'll take a shift rocking the babies.

No, I think you should leave.

Oh, Wanda, don't be like that.

What do you mean, she has no home?

She came here because...

She came here because...

(SIGHS)

She came here because we're all...

She came here because we're all what?

What're you trying to tell me?

- WANDA: What is that?
- What?

WANDA: That.

That symbol.

I, uh... I...

Who are you?

(BABIES CRYING)

I don't...

She came here because we're all...

Stop it!

Who are you?

Wanda...

(BABIES COOING)

I... (BREATH TREMBLING)

I...

Wanda.

Well, I better get going.

That macramé's not gonna hitch itself.

- (BICYCLE BELL RINGS)
- (CHUCKLES)

Herb?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Catch you on the flip side, Vision.

Wanda?

(BABIES COOING)

Where's Geraldine?

Oh, she left, honey. She had to rush home.

(BABIES COOING)

Hmm.

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(GERALDINE SCREAMING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MUSIC PLAYING)