WandaVision (2021): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

It is a blend of classic television and the MCU in which Wanda Maximoff and Vision - two super-powered beings living idealized suburban lives - begin to suspect that everything is not as it seems.

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Oh

A newlywed couple just moved to town

A regular husband and wife

Who left the big city
To find a quiet life

WandaVision!

She's a magical gal
In a small town locale

He's a hubby who's part machine

How will this duo fit in and fulfill all?

By sharing a love like you've never seen

WandaVision!

My wife and her flying saucers.



My husband and his indestructible head.

Aren't we a fine pair?

What do you say to silver dollar pancakes,
crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs,

freshly squeezed orange juice,
and black coffee?

I say, "Oh, I don't eat food."

Well, that explains
the empty refrigerator.

- Wanda?
- Hmm?

Is there something special about today?

Well, I know the apron
is a bit much, dear,

but I am doing my best to blend in.

No, no, there on the calendar.

Someone's drawn a little heart
right above today's date.

- Oh, yes, the heart.
- Hmm...

Well, don't tell me
you have forgotten, Vis.



"Forgotten"?

Oh, Wanda, I'm incapable of forgetfulness.
I remember everything.

That's not an exaggeration.
In fact, I'm incapable of exaggeration.

Well, then tell me what's so important
about today's date.

What was the question again?

Oh, well,
perhaps, you've forgotten yourself.

Me? Heavens, no.
I've been so looking forward to it.

As have I.

Today, we are celebrating...

You bet we are.

- It's the first time we...
- Mmm-hmm.

...have ever celebrated
this occasion before.

It's a special day!

- Perhaps an evening...
- Of great significance...

- To us both!
- Naturally.

- Obviously.
- Exactly.

Well done, us.

All right.

Well, that's me off to work, then.

Oh, don't forget!

I haven't.

Oh!

Have a good day, dear!

Oh!

Hello, dear.
I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right.

My right, not yours.

Forgive me for not stopping by sooner
to welcome you to the block.

My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn't.

So, what's your name? Where are you from?

And most importantly,
how's your bridge game, hon?

I'm Wanda.

Wanda. Charmed.

Golly, you settled in fast!

Did you use a moving company?

I sure did.
Those boxes don't move themselves.

So what's a single gal like you doing
rattling around this big house?

Oh, no, I'm not single.

Oh, I don't see a ring.

Well, I assure you I'm married.

To a man. A human one and tall.

As a matter of fact, he'll be home
later tonight for a special occasion.

Just the two of us.

Oh, is it somebody's birthday?

Not a birthday.

Well, today isn't a holiday, is it?

No, it's not a holiday.

An anniversary then?

Ye... Yes!

Yes! It's our anniversary!

Oh, how marvelous!

How many years?

Well, it feels like
we've always been together.

Lucky gal.

The only way
Ralph would remember our anniversary

is if there was a beer named June 2nd.

- So, what do you have planned?
- How do you mean?

For your special night.

A young thing like you
doesn't have to do much,

but it's still fun to set the scene.

Say, I was just reading
a crackerjack magazine article

called "How To Treat Your Husband
To Keep Your Husband,"

and let me tell you,
what Ralph could really use

is, "How To Goose Your Wife
So You Don't Lose Your Wife."

Hang on. I'll go grab it
and we can start planning.

Oh, this is gonna be a gas!

Oh...

Or you
don't go out Friday night Yakety yak!

You just put on your coat and hat

Here are those computational forms
that you requested, Norm.

There you go.

Gee willikers, that was fast!

Hey, the music
isn't bothering you, is it, pal?

In terms of distraction from work,

or the largely nonsensical
nature of the lyrics?

- The first one.
- Ah, no, thank you, Norm.

Hey, is there somethin'
I can help you with, buddy?

Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.

Would you be so good as to tell me
what it is we do here exactly?

Do we make something?

- No.
- Right.

Do we buy or sell something?

No and no.

Then what is the purpose of this company?

All I know is, since you've gotten here,
productivity has gone up 300%.

Yes, but what is it we're producing?

Computational forms.

And no one can process the data
quite like you do, pal.

You're like a walking computer.

What? I most certainly am not.

I'm a regular carbon-based employee
made entirely of organic matter,

much like yourself, Norm.

Hey! What's got your feathers all ruffled?

Yes, I'm sorry, I'm a tad on edge.

You see, it appears
there's something special about today,

special to Wanda, that's my wife,

and gee, I can't, for the life of me,
recall what it is.

Mmm... Oh!

Good to see you.

- Vision.
- Yes?

Wife and I
are looking forward to this evening.

Mr. Hart. Of course!

Dinner with Mr. Hart
and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart.

That's what I said.
What's wrong with you?

- Have you got a screw loose?
- Oh, no, sir. Screws all tightened, sir.

Yes, I should hope so.

Employee dinners
are a rite of passage

- for the new hires.
- Ah.

Jones over there failed miserably.

Isn't that right, Jones?

The wife thought
five courses would be sufficient.

And there was that paltry excuse
for entertainment.

A string quartet?

And then you had that embarrassing display
of beatnik enthusiasm.

I wore a turtleneck.

Yes. Best of luck out there
in the unemployment line, Jones.

You know, I owe my success
to being a keen judge of character.

No skeletons in your closet, eh, Vision?

I don't have a skeleton, sir.

Glad to hear it.
Your future in this company depends on it.

And you don't have a song?

Nothing special you played
at your wedding?

No, nothing special.

I'll just loan you some records then.

So, we've got music covered,
decor, wardrobe. Oh!

What about seduction techniques?

Oh, I have those.

Of course, you do.

Just out of curiosity, what does it say?

That you should stumble when
you walk into a room so he can catch you.

It's romantic.

Any other tricks?

You could point out that the death rate of
single men is twice that of married men.

Now, that's romantic.

Oh!

Vision residence.

- Wanda, darling.
- Vision, sweetheart.

Listen, about tonight...

Don't worry, dear.
I have everything under control.

Oh, well, that is a relief.

I must confess, I'm really rather nervous.

"Nervous"? Whatever for?

Well, you know, darling,
I still get a little tongue-tied.

Vis, after all this time...

There's an awful lot
riding on this one, Wanda.

If tonight doesn't go just so,
I think this could be the end.

Well, it's just one night.
There's no need to get dramatic.

Look, I think the best course of action
is to impress the wife.

And I think the best course of action
is to impress the husband.

Well, wonderful!

Glad to know we're both on the same page.

Until tonight, then, my, darling.

Until tonight.

Oh...

Is your husband tired of you
burning his toast?

Try our new and improved ToastMate 2000.

It's the go-to for clever housewives.

Say, this machine has some shine.

You said it.

Set the dial
and get the taste back into your toast.

Top and bottom heating elements
can handle anything

from meatloaf, to cherry pie,
to open-faced cheese sandwiches.

The all new ToastMate 2000
by Stark Industries.

Forget the past. This is your future.

Here we are!

Oh!

How very atmospheric!

What's going on here, Vision?
You blow a fuse?

Pardon me while I just go and fetch
the lady of the house.

Guess who?

Wanda!

Vision.

Oh! Oh!

Ah...

What is the meaning of this?

Well, what is...

Yeah, what is the meaning of...

Oh, the meaning of it!

You want to know the meaning of it
and the meaning of it

is that this is the traditional
Sokovian greeting of hospitality.

- Guess who?
- Is that my host behind me?

It certainly is.

- Lovely to make your acquaintance.
- Yes!

See, I forgot to tell you
my wife is from Europe.

Oh, how exotic!

We don't break bread with Bolsheviks.

Oh, hush, Arthur!

Have you no culture at all?

And that dress!

Yes! It's... It's so...
Sokovian, is what it is! Yes!

Can I just see you in the kitchen
for a moment, sweetheart?

Oh, yes!

- Who are those people?
- What are you wearing?

- Why are they here?
- What are you wearing?

Well, it's our anniversary!

Our anniversary of what?

Well, if you don't know,
I'm not going to tell you!

That... That man through there
is my boss, Mr. Hart!

And his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart!

The heart on the calendar
was an abbreviation!

You move at the speed of sound and I can
make a pen float through the air.

Who needs to abbreviate?

Darling, listen, it's all romantic
to do the candles, the music,

- that stunning outfit...
- Well...

I don't wanna be unappreciative,
but right now...

Your boss and his wife
are expecting a home-cooked meal.

Exactly.

Any chance they'd settle

for a single chocolate-covered strawberry
split three ways?

Uh...

I might have a better idea.

Hmm.

So I said, "If we orient the forms
horizontally rather than vertically,

"we can use twice the paper,
we can bill twice the cost."

You truly are a pioneer!

But the larger purpose of the forms is...

Was to analyze our input and our output.

Huh.

You're awfully dense, aren't you, Vision?

Oh, Agnes! You're a life-saver!

What kind of housewife would I be

if I didn't have a gourmet meal for four
just lying about the place?

Well...

Not that Ralph ever wants to eat
anything but baked beans

which explains a lot
about his personal appeal, mind you.

- Oh, my!
- Oh! Oh!

Do you think Wanda needs help
in the kitchen?

We haven't any tidbits
or tartlets out here,

nary a pig in a blanket.

No, that...

No, that's so kind of you, Mrs. Hart.

But I'm sure
she's absolutely fine in there!

Oh, thank you, Agnes.
I think I've got it covered from here.

- Oh, are you sure, dear?
- Hmm.

Many hands make light work.
And many mouths make good gossip.

You're so naughty!

Oh, shall I just pre-heat
the oven then, dear?

- That won't be necessary.
- Oh, All right, then.

Well, I know you're in a pinch
so this menu can be done in a snap.

Lobster Thermidor with
mini-minced meat turnovers to start.

Chicken à la King with twice-cooked
new potatoes for your second course,

and Steak Diane and mint jellies
for your main.

Do you set your own jellies, dear?

- Yes.
- Good girl.

Recipe cards are on the counter there.

Bon appétit!

Oh!

Oh, oh.

You men stay put.

- I sense a domestic emergency, so...
- Mrs. Hart, please don't. You can't.

You... Please...

Yeah, take out the papers and the trash

Or you won't get no spending cash

If you don't scrub the kitchen floor

You ain't gonna rock and roll no more

Yakety yak!
Don't talk back

Well, why don't we have a nice
sing-a-long, all together then, shall we?

Oh, no, too much!

Oh, no, not enough!

Old MacDonald had a farm

Ee-I-Ee-I-O

And on that farm he had a...

had a...

Pig.

Ee-I-Ee-I-O

- With a...
- Oink, oink...

- Here and a...
- Oink, oink...

- There
- Here an oink, there an oink

Everywhere an oink, oink

Old MacDonald had a farm

Ee-I-Ee-I-O

Oh, what was I supposed to do next?
Oh, what was the main course again?

It was... Steak...

No. Steak...

Steak... Diane!

Yes?

Oh, I think that must be
my wife summoning me.

She calls you "Diane?"

Yes, it's her pet name for me.

I'm just coming, Fred.

Excuse me a moment.

Oh, no.

How can I be of assistance?

Well, the chicken is no longer a chicken
and the lobsters just flew the coop

so the steak is the last man standing.

It says here I can cut down the prep time
with a meat tenderizer.

Excellent plan. Where's the tenderizer?

- I'm looking at him.
- Ah.

Hoo-hoo in there!

Hoo-hoo back to you!

Okay.

Finish the meat, find the lobsters.
I'll be right back.

I hope you're hungry.

Starved, is more like it.

My head is starting to feel woozy.

Were either of you aware

that married men are killing single men
at an alarming rate?

What are you going on about?

And what's going on in there?

Whoo-hoo! Ho-ho!

Who could that be?

Coming!

Oh, you didn't answer the back door.

For your upside-down cake.

Oh! Hi, I...

Who was that?

- A salesman!
- Telegram!

A man selling telegrams.

Wouldn't you know it.
Good news is more expensive.

I couldn't find the lobsters and did you
want the meat tender or pulverized?

Oh, dear.

Well. I think tonight's going swimmingly.

Anyone for Parcheesi?

- My head is spinning.
- Oh, Mrs. Hart...

Did you hear that?
My wife's head is spinning.

Generally speaking,
I don't like her head to do that.

Time to improvise.

You know, I'm beginning to think
you're not management material, Vision.

You know, I had high hopes for you.

But from what I've seen here tonight,
you can barely keep it together.

I mean, look around. There's all this
chaos going on in your household.

Now, when are we gonna eat?

Dinner is served.

Ah!

Breakfast for dinner?

How very...

European.

Ooh! Let's have a toast!

To my lovely and talented wife.

To our esteemed guests.

Yes. Cin cin.

Cheers.

Well, please eat before it gets cold.

- Hmm?
- Oh, Mrs. Hart, allow me.

So, where did you two move from?

What brought you here?

How long have you been married?
And why don't you have children yet?

I think what my wife means to say
is that we moved from...

Yes, we moved from...

And we were married...

Yes, yes, we were married in...

Well? Moved from where? Married when?

Now, patience, Arthur.

They're setting up their story.
Let them tell it.

We...

Our story...

Yes, what exactly is your story?

Oh, just leave the poor kids alone.

No, really, I mean,
I think it's a perfectly simple question.

Honestly.

Why did you come here?

Why?

Damn it, why? Why did you...

Oh, Arthur, stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Vision, help him.

Let me help you up.

Give me your hand.

All right, steady on, sir.

Well, would you look
at the time?

Yes. We'd better be going.

Well... Are you both all right?

We had such a lovely time.

This guest is leaving your home.

Yes, thank you for coming.

You made me proud tonight, son.

First thing Monday morning,
you and me are gonna have a little chat.

We'll see about that promotion.

Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!

Thank you.

Oh...

What a charming door knocker.

Good night!

We are an unusual couple, ya know?

Oh, I don't think
that was ever in question.

Well, what I mean is...
We don't have an anniversary.

- Huh.
- Or a song.

Or even wedding rings.

Well, we could remedy that.

Today could be our anniversary.

Of what? Surviving our first dinner party?

Precisely. And our song could be?

Yakety Yak, naturally.

- Naturally.
- Hmm.

And the rings?

Well, couldn't you make some for us?

I do.

Do you?

Yes. I do.

And they lived happily ever after.