WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 18 - Dear Liar - full transcript

AND SO THE DELICATE
BALANCE OF THE ECOLOGY

IS ABOUT TO BE UPSET AGAIN,

AND THAT WHICH HAVE
ALWAYS TAKEN FOR GRANTED

MAY NO LONGER BE.

I REFER, OF COURSE,
TO THE LOWLY RUTABAGA.

EXPERTS PREDICT THAT
WITHIN THIS CENTURY,

THE RUTABAGA WILL DISAPPEAR
FROM THE NATIONAL DIET.

- NO.
- AND WHY, YOU ASK?

WHY?

CONSUMER DISINTEREST, APATHY,

AND IN SOME CASES, BELIEVE
IT OR NOT, OPEN CONTEMPT.



NO!

- HOW HAVE WE ARRIVED
AT THIS PRETTY PASS?
- TELL US, LESTER!

LISTEN ALL THIS WEEK FOR MY FIVE-PART,
GLOVES-OFF, NO-HOLDS-BARRED COMMENTARY:

"RUTABAGA, THE
VANISHING VEGETABLE."

SAY HALLELUJAH,
BROTHER! I BELIEVE!

HALLELUJAH!

NOW THE JOHNNY
FEVER RADIO BROADCAST.

AMEN, AND THANK
YOU, LESTER NESSMAN,

PATRON SAINT OF THE
PERPETUALLY STRANGE

♪♪- HERE ON WKRP.

NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT ALL
US VEGETABLE WORSHIPPERS

WHIPPED INTO A FRENZY,

LET'S TAKE A LITTLE
RIDE, SHALL WE?

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO
A SPECIAL LITTLE TOMATO



THAT'S DEAR TO
THE DOCTOR'S HEART.

LES, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO CLEAR THESE LITTLE

SURPRISE DOCUMENTARIES
WITH ME FIRST, REMEMBER.

THEN THEY WOULDN'T BE
SURPRISES, WOULD THEY?

HE'S REALLY ON TO
SOMETHING THIS TIME, TRAVIS.

DO YOU KNOW THEY ARE
CLUBBING BABY RUTABAGAS

FOR THEIR SKINS?

- THIS IS SERIOUS, JOHN.
- THAT'S DEBATABLE, LES.

LES, YOUR STORIES ALWAYS
SEEM TO HAVE KIND OF A.. A...

- HOW SHOULD I PUT THIS?
- BARNYARD AROMA?

YEAH. YOU NEVER SEEM TO
DO ANY PEOPLE STORIES, LES.

- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE THIS.

- WHAT'S THIS?
- THE NUMBER FOR THE NORTH SIDE
CHILDREN'S CLINIC.

THEY'VE GOT SOME SORT OF
MONEY CRISIS DOWN THERE.

- WELL, SO WHAT?
- WELL, SO I WANT YOU
TO DO A STORY ON THAT.

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.

LES, IT'S A CHANCE TO
DO SOMETHING NICE.

IT'LL KEEP US LOOKING GOOD
DURING THE RATING PERIOD,

AND IT'LL MAKE A POOR
LITTLE OLD LADY VERY HAPPY.

THIS IS A PET PROJECT
OF MOTHER CARLSON.

- ANDY...
- LESTER, I KNOW
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE

SHE'S MORE INTERESTED IN
SICK KIDS THAN RUTABAGAS,

BUT IT IS HER STATION,
SO LET'S MAKE HER HAPPY.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE SHE'LL PUT
SOME WALLS UP FOR YOUR OFFICE.

I'LL FIND A WAY TO WORK IT IN.

WHAT A GUY. JOHN, PLAY THE HITS.

YOU KNOW, I LIKE TO
EAT THOSE THINGS RAW

WITH A LITTLE SALT.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

PUZZLE...

OH, VENUS, WOULD YOU
HELP ME WITH THIS, PLEASE?

- WHAT IS IT? IT'S MY
CONVENTION KIT - CHECKLIST.

HERE, JUST READ THAT OFF.

- "JOY BUZZER"?
- RIGHT.

JOY BUZZER.

- "TIE THAT LIGHTS UP"?
- GOTCHA.

TIE THAT LIGHTS UP. HUH?

- "DUCK CALL."
- DUCK CALL.

- DUCK CALL?
- DUCK CALL.

- "WHOOPIE CUSHION"?
- WHOOPIE CUSHION.

WHERE IS THE WHOOPIE CUSHION?

UH-OH.

WELL, YOU'VE STILL GOT ENOUGH TIME TO
PICK UP ONE ON THE WAY TO THE BUS STATION.

RIGHT. I NEED A RIDE.

OKAY. I'LL TELL JENNIFER
TO CALL YOU A CAB.

THANKS.

OH.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE DEVIL.

WELL, "AU RESERVOIR," NESSMAN.

OH, BYE, HERB.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I'LL BE THINKING
OF YOU POOR WORKING STIFFS

WHILE I'M WHOOPING
IT UP IN AKRON, OKAY?

WHAT A SAP.

I THINK WHOOPING IS
AGAINST THE LAW IN AKRON.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

IS SOMETHING WRONG, LES?

I'M WORKING ON SOMETHING
REALLY IMPORTANT NOW.

IT'S GOING TO BE THIS YEAR'S
ENTRY FOR THE BUCKEYE

NEWS HAWK AWARDS COMPETITION.

AND ANDY WANTS ME ON SOME
DEPRESSING HOSPITAL STORY.

OH, I'LL DO IT.

YOU'RE NOT READY
FOR FIELD REPORTING.

WHO'S NOT READY?

I JUST MEANT IT'S A...

PRETTY DULL STORY, THAT'S ALL.

THERE ARE NO DULL STORIES,

ONLY DULL REPORTERS.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

UM, TELL YOU WHAT, BAILEY.

WHY DON'T YOU WRITE
SOMETHING UP, AND, UH,

I'LL LOOK IT OVER.

IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH, MAYBE
I'LL LET YOU DO IT ON THE AIR.

"GOOD ENOUGH"?

THIS'LL BE THE BEST DARNED
STORY YOU EVER SAW.

WE'LL SEE.

THANK YOU, LES.
YOU WON'T BE SORRY.

JUST WAIT TILL YOU READ
IT. YOU ARE GONNA LOVE IT.

NOW TO SAVE THE RUTABAGA.

I DON'T CARE.

AT THOSE PRICES, I COULD BUY THE
LAUNDROMAT ACROSS THE STREET

AND WASH THEM MYSELF!

- HELLO.
- HI.

I CAME AT A BAD TIME, DIDN'T I?

SURE. BUT THERE'S NEVER A
GOOD TIME AROUND HERE ANYWAY.

ARE YOU MISS NICHOLS?

QUARTERS, BAILEY.

PERKINS, EDNA.

ON BEHALF OF THE STATION,
I WOULD LIKE TO SEND A...

- SIT DOWN.
- YES, MA'AM.

WELL, IT MUST BE RATING TIME.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- WELL, ISN'T THAT WHEN
YOU RADIO AND TV PEOPLE

CRAWL OUT OF THE WOODWORK AND
GET INTERESTED IN THE COMMUNITY?

WOULD I BE RUDE IN POINTING OUT

THAT THAT'S JUST THE
TEENIEST BIT CYNICAL?

NO, NO. CYNICISM KIND OF
GOES WITH THE TERRITORY.

EDNA, ACCOUNTING'S
ON LINE TWO FOR YOU.

TELL HIM I'LL CALL
HIM RIGHT BACK.

SO, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

I WOULD LIKE TO FIND OUT EVERYTHING
I CAN ABOUT YOUR OPERATION.

- YOU WOULD?
- YES.

THEN I WILL BE ABLE TO WRITE MY
STORY AND SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.

WE HAVE 12 WARDS FULL OF
SICK AND DAMAGED CHILDREN,

AND BARELY ENOUGH
MONEY TO CARE FOR THEM.

THERE'S YOUR STORY.

GO SOLVE OUR PROBLEM.

- CONTRIBUTIONS ARE DOWN?
- MM-HMM.

BUT I THOUGHT PEOPLE ALWAYS
GAVE MONEY TO CRIPPLED CHILDREN.

OH, WELL, THEY DID.

BUT NOW THEY WASTE
IT ON FRIVOLOUS STUFF

LIKE FOOD AND CLOTHES, RENT...

- MORE GOODIES, EDNA.
- UH-HUH. THANKS SO MUCH.

- IT'S TOUGH ALL OVER, YOU KNOW?
- YES, I KNOW.

BUT I THINK MY STORY WILL MAKE
MORE PEOPLE AWARE OF THE PROBLEM...

EXCUSE ME, BUT THERE'S
NOTHING YOUR STATION CAN DO

THAT'S GONNA BRING THE
KIND OF MONEY THAT WE NEED.

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU CAN'T...

WE NEED A RESEARCH LAB.

WE NEED HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS
OF DOLLARS IN EQUIPMENT.

WE NEED SOMEBODY
TO ANSWER THE PHONE!

WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO
DO THE KIND OF WORK HERE

THAT'S REALLY GONNA HELP THESE KIDS
AND NOT JUST PUT BAND-AIDS ON THEM.

YES. BUT A STORY ON THE
RADIO CAN REALLY HELP.

EXCUSE ME, BUT WE HAVE HAD
UMPTEEN STORIES WRITTEN ABOUT US.

DO YOU THINK ONE MORE WILL HURT?

NO. I JUST DON'T
BELIEVE IT WILL HELP.

- WELL, I DO.
- YOU DO, DO YOU?

- YES.
- BECAUSE IF IT WON'T,
I REALLY DON'T HAVE TIME.

TRUST ME.

OH, WHAT THE HELL. COME
ON. I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.

HOLD MY CALLS.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A
CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL BEFORE?

- HMM-MM.
- MM.

BAILEY, HOW ABOUT LUNCH?

- HMM?
- YOU KNOW, LUNCH.

IT'S THAT LIGHT MEAL
PEOPLE EAT AROUND NOON.

- HOW ABOUT IT?
- HOW ABOUT WHAT?

MAYBE I'LL GO SEE
WHAT ANDY'S DOING.

JENNIFER, HAVE YOU HAD LUNCH?

NO.

WELL, HOW ABOUT IT?

I NEED MORE TIME WITH
THIS STORY ANYWAY.

GOOD IDEA.

JENNIFER, I WENT TO NORTH
SIDE CHILDREN'S CLINIC TODAY,

AND YOU WILL NOT
BELIEVE WHAT I SAW.

- GOOD MORNING.
- HI.

I TOOK A TOUR OF THE WARD...

Les: IN 1927. AND FINALLY,

THERE'S THE STORY
OF FLOYD LATTIMORE

OF "TERRY HOU-TEE,"
INDIANA, WHO, IN 1939,

GREW A RUTABAGA THAT
LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT.

IN MY 4:00 P.M. REPORT, I'LL
EXAMINE THE ROOT CAUSES...

RUTABAGA?

HELLO, ANDY.

I THOUGHT WE AGREED NOT TO
MENTION VEGETABLES ON YOUR NEWSCAST

UNTIL AFTER YOU DID
THE HOSPITAL STORY.

- AS A MATTER OF FACT...
- I TOLD YOU THIS WAS
IMPORTANT TO MOTHER CARLSON.

THAT MAKES IT
IMPORTANT TO ME, LES.

SO YOU WILL NOT MENTION
RUTABAGAS ON THIS STATION

TILL AFTER YOU'VE DONE
THE OTHER STORY, GOT IT?

BUT I PROMISED MY
FANS THAT AT 4:00...

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. HOSPITAL
AT 2:00, RUTABAGAS AT 4:00. DEAL?

- WELL...
- A NICE SET OF WALLS SURE
WOULD LOOK GOOD IN HERE, LES.

DEAL.

THANK YOU.

ANDY...

OOH!

Les: MY TOUR OF THE
WARDS WAS SOMETHING

I'LL NOT SOON FORGET.

EVERYWHERE I LOOKED
WERE YOUNG FACES

FILLED WITH PROMISE

THAT WILL NOT BE REALIZED,

DREAMS THAT WILL
NEVER COME TRUE.

BUT THE EVENT THAT SUMMED UP
THE EXPERIENCE FOR THIS REPORTER

CAME AS I WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE.

I FELT A TUG ON MY SKIRT...

AT-AT MY SHIRT AND LOOKED DOWN

INTO THE FACE OF A
LITTLE BOY NAMED BOBBY.

HE'S TEN YEARS OLD
AND UNABLE TO SPEAK,

BUT HE REACHED UP,

AND HE HANDED ME A
PICTURE HE HAD DRAWN...

A CRUDE RENDERING OF A FLOWER.

OH, JENNIFER, THAT
WAS SENSATIONAL.

LITHUANIAN FOOD ALWAYS IS.
WOULD YOU TURN HIM DOWN FOR ME?

- SURE.
- FOR IN THIS
PRIMITIVE DRAWING,

BOBBY HAD MANAGED TO CONVEY
A SENSE OF THE TRUE BEAUTY

THAT DWELLS WITHIN HIS SOUL.

OH, MY GOD.

SPEAKING AS SOMEONE WHO
SOMEDAY HOPES TO BEAR CHILDREN...

TO BEAR CHILDREN
ON MY SHOULDERS...

MEN DO THAT, YOU KNOW...

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT

I'LL NEVER FORGET LITTLE BOBBY,

AND I'LL CHERISH
HIS FLOWER ALWAYS.

THIS IS LES NESSMAN REPORTING.

- YOU MEAN,
LES STOLE YOUR STORY?
- WORD FOR WORD.

WELL, I'M GOING BACK THERE RIGHT NOW
AND TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT I THINK OF THAT.

- NO. DON'T DO THAT.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU SHOULD DO THAT. BOY!

I'M NOT GONNA TELL HIM. AND, JENNIFER,
I WISH YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

BAILEY, YOU HAVE TO
STAND UP FOR WHAT'S YOURS!

THE STORY'S A FAKE.

WHAT?

I MADE IT UP.
THERE'S NO PICTURE,

NO FLOWER, AND NO... BOBBY.

RIGHT.

OH, BAILEY,

WE COULD LOSE OUR
LICENSE OVER THIS.

I KNOW.

NESSMAN? HE DID?

I MEAN, I KNOW HE DID.

I KNEW ALL ABOUT THAT.

MATTER OF FACT, I WAS KIND OF
BEHIND THE WHOLE THING MYSELF.

Y-YOU DO? OH, SURE.

ANYTHING YOU WANT...

HELLO?

BYE, MOM.

SHE WANTS ME TO
GIVE LES A RAISE.

EXCUSE ME.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH SEVERAL CONTRACTORS.

HERE ARE THREE COMPETITIVE BIDS.

- FOR WHAT?
- WALLS, OF COURSE.

- WALLS?
- WELL,

ANDY PROMISED THEM TO ME IN
EXCHANGE FOR THAT HOSPITAL PIECE I DID.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT WALLS, LES,

BUT I DO KNOW THAT
YOU'RE GOING TO BE EARNING

AN EXTRA $25 A WEEK,
EFFECTIVE RIGHT NOW.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I THINK WALLS
FOR HIM WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA.

BIG, PADDED ONES
ABOUT THAT THICK.

THE CINCINNATI
ENQUIRER JUST CALLED.

THEY WANT TO RUN
BAI... OUR HOSPITAL STORY

IN TOMORROW MORNING'S
FEATURE SECTION.

VERBATIM?

ALL EXCEPT THE PART
ABOUT LES BEARING CHILDREN.

HOT DOG, WE'RE FINALLY GONNA GET

THIS THING ON THE
MAP IN THIS TOWN.

DID YOU TELL LES?

NO, I THOUGHT I'D
BETTER TELL YOU FIRST.

THIS COULD BE JUST THE PUBLIC SERVICE
CAMPAIGN THING WE NEED TO TIE INTO.

- THIS COULD BE
VERY, VERY BIG.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.

- OR NOT.
- WELL, WHY NOT?

WELL, WE MIGHT JUST BE
EXPLOITING THAT LITTLE BOY.

- OH, NO.
- OH, HECK, NO.

- BEST THING THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO HIM.
- OH, YEAH.

WE GET HIM UP HERE AND
TAKE SOME PICTURES OF HIM...

- RIGHT UNDER THE CALL LETTERS.
- HECK, WE CAN PROBABLY EVEN
TAKE HIM OUT TO LUNCH.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

HOWEVER, I PROMISED
THAT I WOULDN'T,

SO I GUESS I SHOULDN'T,
EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD.

DID YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

PERFECTLY.

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT
LES HAVING BABIES?

THAT WAS A ROTTEN THING TO
DO, LES. THAT WAS MY STORY.

I NEVER SAID YOU
COULD DO IT ON THE AIR.

YES, YOU DID, IF IT WAS
GOOD ENOUGH, REMEMBER?

WELL... IT NEEDED WORK.

HOGWASH. YOU DIDN'T
CHANGE A COMMA.

BOY, YOU GUYS.

HAVE WE GOT SOME
GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, LES.

YOUR STORY ABOUT LITTLE
BOBBY IS GONNA APPEAR

IN TOMORROW'S
CINCINNATI ENQUIRER.

AND IT'S GONNA READ,
"BY LES NESSMAN,

NEWS DIRECTOR, WKRP RADIO." HUH?

- OH, MY GOSH!
- ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC, BAILEY?

CONGRATULATIONS, LES.

YOU KNOW, BAILEY HELPED ME
WITH SOME OF THE BASIC RESEARCH.

PERHAPS I SHOULD SHARE
THE BYLINE WITH HER.

- THAT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU, LESTER.
- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S OKAY. I DIDN'T
DO ALL THAT MUCH.

- OF COURSE YOU DID.
- NO, I DIDN'T.

- DID.
- DIDN'T.

- DID.
- DID NOT.

BOTH OF YOU, PLAY
NICE, NOW, KIDS.

I'VE GOT TO CALL MOM BACK, LET
HER KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

- OH, BOY!
- YOU KNOW, BAILEY,

IF YOU DID HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH
THIS, YOU SHOULD TAKE PART OF THE CREDIT.

YEAH.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

PERHAPS SHE'S NOT
READY FOR THE LIMELIGHT.

I'LL TALK WITH HER ABOUT IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M THE NEWS DIRECTOR. I KNOW
HOW TO HANDLE MY REPORTERS.

THEN YOU DO IT, LES. AND ONCE
AGAIN, THANKS A LOT. HEY, SUPER JOB.

BELIEVE ME, ANDY,
IT WAS NOTHING.

- BAILEY...
- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
DONE IT, LES.

IT'S JUST THAT TRAVIS HAD
ME UP AGAINST THE WALL.

WHEN SOMEONE MENTIONS WALLS,

I GUESS I GO A LITTLE CRAZY.

I MEAN, YOU REALLY
SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT, LES.

I'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE,

AND I PROMISE I'LL
NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

BUT NOW THE
NEWSPAPER'S INVOLVED.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO GET SOMETHING INTO PRINT?

OH, YOU CAN'T LET THEM
RUN THAT STORY, LES.

LOOK, I'LL TELL ANDY THE TRUTH
AS SOON AS THE STORY RUNS.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THE
TRUTH. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?

NO. WHAT I REALLY WANT
IS BOBBY'S FLOWER PICTURE.

- WHAT?
- THAT PICTURE
HE DREW FOR YOU.

IT WOULD MAKE A GREAT
COMPANION PIECE FOR THE ARTICLE.

WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT, LES.

I SAID I'D SHARE THE
BYLINE WITH YOU, AND I WILL.

I DON'T HAVE IT.

OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
WANT? THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.

- NOTHING.
- I'LL GIVE YOU $10.

- LES...
- $13.50.

LES, THE STORY IS A LIE.

KIDDING.

THIS IS KIDDING.

DARN IT ALL, I NEVER KNOW

WHEN YOU PEOPLE
ARE TRYING TO KID ME.

THIS ISN'T KIDDING?

OH, MY.

- OH, MY.
- OH, MY, MY, MY, MY.

WELL, I WAS GONNA REWRITE IT.

- I THINK.
- YOU THINK?

WELL, I'M PRETTY
SURE I WOULD'VE,

IF HE HADN'T STOLEN IT.

OBJECTION.

ONE DOES NOT STEAL
WHAT IS ON ONE'S DESK.

- LES...
- DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT

KNOWINGLY COMMIT
FALSEHOODS TO PAPER?

- I DID.
- THERE YOU HAVE IT.

THE JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY OF MY
NEWS DEPARTMENT HAS BEEN COMPROMISED.

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT
OF JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY,

I WANT YOU TO GO TO YOUR
DESK, GET OUT YOUR DICTIONARY,

AND LOOK UP THE
WORD "PLAGIARISM."

ALL RIGHT.

AND AS FOR YOU, YOUNG LADY,

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?

HOW SERIOUS IS IT, TRAVIS?

I THINK IT CAN BE
STRAIGHTENED OUT

IF YOU'LL JUST GIVE BAILEY AND
MYSELF A FEW MOMENTS ALONE.

ALL RIGHT. JUST MAKE IT QUICK.

SIR, IN HERE.

I'LL BE, UH,

RIGHT OUTSIDE, YOU
KNOW, IF YOU NEED ME.

EXCEPTING FOR THE
MOMENT THE IDEA

THAT YOU THINK YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE RUN THAT STORY...

- THAT IS THE TRUTH.
- THEN WHY DID YOU EVEN
WRITE IT THAT WAY?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T
KNOW ANY OTHER WAY.

THERE MUST'VE BEEN A
DOZEN WAYS TO WRITE IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU USE A REAL KID?

I WENT DOWN THERE
EXPECTING TO SEE LITTLE KIDS

WITH HIGH TEMPERATURES
AND CASTS ON THEIR ARMS.

AND?

I SAW A FOUR-YEAR-OLD
BURN VICTIM.

I SAW A SIX-YEAR-OLD
GIRL WITH LEUKEMIA.

I SAW A LITTLE BOY WHO WAS
ALLERGIC TO HIS OWN SKIN.

- OH, BAILEY...
- I COULDN'T
PICK OUT JUST ONE,

AND I COULDN'T BEGIN
TO DESCRIBE THEM ALL,

SO I JUST PUT THEM
ALL INTO... BOBBY.

I SEE.

THE ONLY THING I REALLY MADE UP
WAS THAT STUPID FLOWER PICTURE.

IT WAS A NICE TOUCH,
THOUGH, BAILEY.

"PLAGIARISM.

"AN ACT OR INSTANCE
OF PLAGIARIZING.

SOMETHING PLAGIARIZED."

SO,

DO YOU WANT MY TWO WEEKS'
NOTICE, OR DO I LEAVE NOW?

WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS CAME
UP AT THE WASHINGTON POST.

OH, YEAH. A WOMAN MADE UP A STORY
ABOUT AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD JUNKIE.

RIGHT. AND I BELIEVE THE
WOMAN WAS FIRED FOR IT.

- YES.
- THEY HAD TO FIRE HER.

JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY.

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- BAILEY... BAILEY!

BAILEY, SIT DOWN OVER
HERE A SECOND, WILL YOU?

I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,

BUT THIS IS NOT THE
WASHINGTON POST.

- SO?
- SO THERE'S WASHINGTON POST
INTEGRITY,

- THERE'S WKRP INTEGRITY.
- I DON'T SEE THE DIFFERENCE.

THE DIFFERENCE IS, WE HAVE OUR
OWN BRAND OF THE STUFF AROUND HERE.

THIS IS THE STATION THAT HAS EMPLOYED
HERB TARLEK FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS.

DON'T TALK TO ME
ABOUT INTEGRITY.

BUT I WANT OUR NEWS TO
HAVE REAL WEIGHT TO IT.

WELL, SO DO I, BUT WE HAVE CAPTAIN
RUTABAGA HERE FOR A NEWS DIRECTOR.

- LET'S NOT GO OFF
THE DEEP END, BAILEY.
- BUT...

YOU SCREWED UP.

AND AROUND HERE,
THAT MAKES YOU NORMAL.

SO WHAT DO WE DO
ABOUT THE LICENSE?

WE KEEP OUR MOUTHS SHUT,

AND WE NEVER MENTIONED IT AGAIN.

- AND THE NEWSPAPER?
- I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANT TO DO THIS?

- ABSOLUTELY.
- OKAY.

- BAILEY?
- HMM?

YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN,

YOU'LL BE THE BEST-LOOKING
REPORTER ON THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.

RIGHT.

"BEST-LOOKING"?

TRAVIS, WHAT DID
YOU DO TO NESSMAN?

HUH? NOTHING. WHY?

HE CAME IN THIS
MORNING, HE SAID HE WAS

THROUGH WITH VEGETABLE
STORIES FOREVER.

OH, FANTASTIC.

THE BLOOD OF THE RUTABAGA'S
ON YOUR HANDS, PAL.

- GOOD MORNING.
- OH, BAILEY, DID YOU SEE IT?

- SEE WHAT?
- YOUR BYLINE.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU TOOK CARE OF IT.

I DID. I WROTE THAT LITTLE
PROLOGUE RIGHT THERE.

"THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE BY
WKRP REPORTER BAILEY QUARTERS

"DESCRIBES HER THOUGHTS
AND FEELINGS AFTER TOURING

"NORTH SIDE CHILDREN'S CLINIC.

"THE CHARACTER OF BOBBY
IS ACTUALLY A COMPOSITE

OF ALL THE CHILDREN MISS
QUARTERS MET THAT DAY."

- AND THEY STILL
WANTED TO RUN IT?
- YEP.

OOH.

- BAILEY.
- EDNA.

EVERYBODY, THIS IS EDNA
PERKINS FROM NORTH SIDE.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HI. HI.

I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR THE STORY. WE LOVED IT.

OH. WELL, I'M SORRY ABOUT
THAT PART ABOUT THE FLOWER.

"SORRY"? THAT FLOWER PICTURE

WAS WORTH SIX THOU IN
CONTRIBUTIONS THIS MORNING.

- WELL, I DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE.
- NO.

YOU GOT ABOUT 87
OF 'EM RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, I TAPED THE
SHOW WHEN IT RAN,

AND THEN I VISITED THE WARDS
AND PLAYED IT FOR THE KIDS,

SO THEY WANTED TO
DO THESE FOR YOU.

- OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC!
- OH, UH,

THEY ALSO SENT SOME
FOR THE FUNNY MAN

WHO READ YOUR STORY.

THAT WOULD BE LES.

SPEAKING OF LES, DOES ANYONE HAVE
ANY IDEA HOW HE'S TAKING THE ARTICLE?

I'LL BET HE'S SUICIDAL.

NOT REALLY.

WHEN HE CAME IN THE
BOOTH A FEW MINUTES AGO,

HE SAID WE SHOULD WATCH
FOR HIS BYLINE TOMORROW.

Les: IT'S DIFFICULT TO
DESCRIBE THE FEELINGS

THIS REPORTER HAD AS HE WALKED

THROUGH THE PENS,

BUT I FELT A TUG ON MY PANT LEG,

AND I LOOKED DOWN INTO THE FACE

OF HAROLD, A LITTLE
RAZORBACK HOG,

BLIND SINCE BIRTH!