WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 13 - Changes - full transcript

(jingle plays)

(rock music plays)

IT'S FUNNY... LOOKING
AT ALL THESE PEOPLE.

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED
WHAT MAKES SOMEONE

WHAT THEY ARE?

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY
RUSSIAN WOMEN LOOK LIKE MEN?

I HADN'T NOTICED.

I THINK THEY KIDNAP MEN
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD,

TAKE THEM TO MOSCOW,

AND TURN THEM
INTO RUSSIAN WOMEN.

DO YOU?



THAT'S WHAT I THINK
HAPPENED TO JIMMY HOFFA.

BY NOW HE'S PROBABLY A
GRANDMOTHER IN THE UKRAINE.

- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
- (gasps)

THERE'S A MAN IN THE BUILDING
OVER THERE ON THE 16th FLOOR

WHO'S EXERCISING
IN THE NUDE AGAIN.

- HAVE YOU SEEN VENUS?
- NUDE?

NO. NO, JUST AROUND.

I THINK HE'S IN THE
BULLPEN ARGUING WITH HERB.

- AH.
- OR ELSE...

HE'S IN RUSSIA BEING
TURNED INTO A BALLERINA.

I'LL CHECK THE BULLPEN FIRST.

YOU CRACKED A GOOD ONE.

THANKS.

- I'M NUTS?
- HEY, VENUS.



WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A
STYLE, A LOOK, A STATEMENT.

OKAY, WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT
SUPPOSED TO BE SAYING?

- VENUS...
- HANG ON, TRAVIS.

WHAT IS THIS SAYING? I'LL
TELL YOU WHAT IT'S SAYING.

IT'S SAYING, "TRUST ME.

"SIGN MY DEAL.

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING."

- HEY...
- JUST A MINUTE.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S SAYING
TO ME? "DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SET."

- LOOK, EXCUSE ME...
- "DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SET"?

I THOUGHT YOU BLACK
GUYS KNEW HOW TO DRESS.

- WE DO.
- YOU GUYS ARE
TALKING ABOUT CLOTHES?

- WE'RE DISCUSSING LOOKS.
- I WAITED WHILE YOU
ARGUED ABOUT CLOTHES?

LOOK, STYLE IS
IMPORTANT, ANDREW.

- CLOTHES, HERB?
- YOU ARE WHAT YOU WEAR.

- YOU ARE.
- DARN RIGHT, BOY.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE
HIM DRESS BETTER?

OKAY. WHY DON'T YOU LOAN
HIM YOUR PIRATE OUTFIT?

TRAVIS, I DRESS LIKE THAT
BECAUSE I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.

I'VE GOT A PUBLIC TO CONSIDER.

I DON'T CARE. LOOK,

I JUST GOT A CALL
FROM YOUR PUBLIC,

A FELLOW BY THE NAME OF RICK,

UH, JESPERSEN.

WANTS TO INTERVIEW YOU
FOR BLACK LIFE MAGAZINE.

WANTS TO TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU'RE
ON THE AIR. I TOLD HIM TO COME TONIGHT.

- YOU DID?
- YEAH. IT'S OKAY,
ISN'T IT?

- YEAH, I GUESS SO.
- COME ON, WE NEED SOME INK.

- WHAT IS HE GONNA ASK ME?
- I DON'T KNOW.

HE SAID HE WANTS TO DO
A PIECE ON BLACK DEEJAYS.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHAT DO I MEAN?

I THINK HE MEANS
DEEJAYS WHO ARE BLACK.

BLACK LIFE MAGAZINE'S
PRETTY MILITANT, ANDY.

WHO SHOULD I HAVE
THEM TALK TO? HERB?

NO. I CAN HANDLE IT, NO PROBLEM.

YOU'LL BE AN INSPIRATION
TO BLACK KIDS EVERYWHERE.

- HOW'S HE GONNA DO THAT?
- HE'S GONNA BE INTERVIEWED
FOR THE PRESS.

UH-OH. LOOK OUT FOR
THOSE REPORTERS.

THEY'LL TEAR YOU TO PIECES.

I MEAN, THEY ALREADY HAVE
THEIR MINDS MADE UP, YOU KNOW?

THEN THEY JUST COME RIGHT
IN HERE AND GO... (whoosh)

PUT THE HATCHET
RIGHT IN YOUR BACK.

REMEMBER LAST YEAR,
WHEN I DID THAT TV INTERVIEW?

THEY KILLED ME.

YEAH, BUT I'M NOT
TRYING TO HIDE ANYTHING.

I WASN'T TRYING
TO HIDE ANYTHING.

COME ON, HERBERT. YOU
WERE TRYING TO PRETEND

- YOU WERE SOMETHING
YOU WERE NOT.
- HUMAN.

HEY, IN THE LARGER SENSE,
AREN'T WE ALL TRYING

TO PRETEND TO BE
SOMETHING THAT WE'RE NOT?

AND IN FACT, ISN'T THAT WHAT
IT IS THAT MAKES US HUMAN?

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SPEECH?

READ IT ON A T-SHIRT.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

- YOU KNOW WHAT
BUGS ME ABOUT HERB?
- (laughs)

IS THIS A TEST?

SOMETIMES HE SAYS STUFF
THAT SEEMS LIKE IT MAKES SENSE,

AND THEN I REALIZE IT'S
HERB THAT'S SAYING IT.

YEAH, WELL, LIFE IS HELL, PAL.

LISTEN, I HEAR YOU'RE
ABOUT TO BECOME FAMOUS.

YEAH. GOING TO INSPIRE
BLACK KIDS ALL OVER AMERICA.

OH, LISTEN, WHY JUST BLACK KIDS?

BECAUSE WHITE KIDS DON'T WANT
TO GROW UP TO BE BLACK DEEJAYS.

I DID.

- VENUS?
- YEAH?

A WRITER FROM BLACK
LIFE MAGAZINE CALLED,

AND HE WILL BE HERE AT 4:00.

- THANK YOU, BAILEY.
- MM-HMM.

OH, UM,

HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED
HOW YOU CAN'T TELL

WHAT COLOR SOMEBODY
IS ON THE PHONE?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

THAT'S RIGHT...
STEREOTYPE THINKING.

I MEAN, WHEN I HEARD
BLACK LIFE, I WAS EXPECTING,

"SAY, MAMA, YOU TELL THE DUDE

I'LL BE HERE AT FO'."

BUT HE DIDN'T. HE
SOUNDED JUST LIKE YOU.

SEE YOU LATER.

WHAT DOES SHE MEAN,
SOUNDED JUST LIKE ME?

I'M BLACK. I CAN SAY "FO'."

THAT'S RIGHT, KINGFISH,
YOU IS, AND YOU DOES,

BUT THE PROBLEM IS,
YOU SOUND NEUTRAL.

"NEUTRAL"? YOU MEAN "WHITE."

WELL, MAN, I'VE HEARD YOU SAY,

"UPSIDE YOUR HEAD,"
STUFF LIKE THAT.

DON'T WORRY. YOU
CAN PASS FOR BLACK.

I DON'T WANT TO PASS FOR
BLACK, I WANT TO BE BLACK.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?

- I DON'T WANT TO
DO THIS INTERVIEW.
- WHY NOT?

BECAUSE, MAN, THESE REPORTERS

COME UP HERE WITH A
PRECONCEIVED NOTION,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, THEY
PUT A HATCHET IN YOUR BACK.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

HER...
- A GUY.
- WHO?

JUST A GUY I KNOW.

BESIDES, MAN, I'VE BEEN UP HERE
WITH YOU WHITE FOLKS SO LONG,

I DONE FORGOT WHAT
BLACK AMERICA'S ALL ABOUT.

ALL I KNOW IS WHAT I
SEE ON THE JEFFERSONS.

AND THAT GUY'S GONNA KNOW
THAT, AND HE'S GONNA NAIL ME.

ARE YOU SAYING
THAT THE JEFFERSONS

IS NOT AN ACCURATE
PORTRAIT OF BLACK AMERICA?

YEAH, GO AHEAD AND JOKE, MAN.

I'M THE GUY THAT'S GONNA
GET THE HATCHET IN THE BACK.

RELAX, MAN. I MEAN,
JUST, YOU KNOW,

TALK A LOT OF JIVE, RUN
THE DOZENS ON THE CAT,

AND, UH, DON'T MENTION YOUR
SLIM WHITMAN COLLECTION.

(exclaims) I DON'T HAVE ANY
SLIM WHITMAN RECORDS!

JUST RELAX, MAN.
IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.

Mr. Carlson: VENUS,
COULD I SAY SOMETHING?

YES, MR. CARLSON. WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M AFRAID I OVERHEARD
YOUR CONVERSATION...

- NOT MEANING TO, MIND YOU.
- OF COURSE NOT.

IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU'RE
WORRYING TOO MUCH ABOUT COLOR

AND FORGETTING THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING.

WHICH IS?

THAT YOU'RE A FINE PERSON

WITH AN INTERESTING
JOB, RIGHT, JOHN?

IT'S NOT THAT INTERESTING, A.C.

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- THANKS, MR. CARLSON.

- I HOPE I COULD'VE
BEEN OF SOME HELP.
- YES, SIR.

- EXCUSE ME, MR. CARLSON.
- HMM?

COULD I ASK JUST WHAT YOU WERE
DOING IN THE RECORD LIBRARY?

HUNTING FOR OLD GUY LOMBARDO
RECORDS AND SMOKING DOPE.

OH.

(both sniffing)

NAH.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SURE, IT IS, BUT YOU HAVE TO
EAT, SO LET'S EAT TOGETHER.

IF WE WERE TOGETHER, I
DON'T THINK I COULD EAT.

YOU NUT.

- HERB...
- BIG GUY, I CAN
EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

EXPLAIN WHAT?

NOTHING.

HERB, DO YOU HAVE A CLIENT
COMING IN HERE THIS AFTERNOON?

I SURE DO, BOSS... RUN
AND SUN EMPORIUMS, 4:00.

WHAT'S "RUN AND SUN"?

IT'S A FASCINATING NEW
IDEA FROM CALIFORNIA.

YEAH. YOU KNOW HOW EVERYONE'S
INTO THIS HEALTH THING...

YOU KNOW, RUNNING
AND LOOKING TAN...

WELL, THIS PLACE HAS TREADMILLS

SO YOU CAN RUN ON 'EM
INSIDE TANNING BOOTHS.

"RUN AND SUN."

GET IT? IT'S GONNA
BE ALL OVER THE CITY.

DO NOT BLOW THIS ONE, HERB.

BIG GUY, YOU KNOW
YOU CAN TRUST ME.

- YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?
- YES, MATTER OF FACT, I DID.

I WANT YOU TO IMPRESS UPON HERB HOW
IMPORTANT IT IS THAT HE SIGN NEW CLIENTS.

OKAY. WHY DON'T YOU
TELL HIM YOURSELF?

I CAN DO THAT NOW
BECAUSE HERB'S HERE,

BUT HE WASN'T HERE
WHEN I SENT FOR YOU.

I WAS GONNA TELL YOU
TO TELL HIM. THEN I LEFT.

OF COURSE, WHEN I GOT
BACK, HERB WAS HERE,

AND I COULDN'T TELL HIM, THOUGH,
BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT YOU SENT FOR ME,

AND I ANSWERED YOU,
AND SO THERE YOU GO.

SO NOW WHAT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

MR. CARLSON WAS JUST
EXPLAINING NUCLEAR PHYSICS TO US.

- WANT TO GO TO LUNCH?
- NO, I CAN'T. I'VE GOT TO
GO GET READY FOR THIS INTERVIEW.

"GET READY"?
WHAT'S TO GET READY?

MR. CARLSON?

WELL, I CAN'T. I'M HAVING
LUNCH WITH MY MINISTER.

LET'S SEE.

UH, NO, I CAN'T AFFORD YOU, AND I
CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SEEN WITH HERB,

SO I GUESS I'LL JUST FORGET
ABOUT LUNCH ALTOGETHER.

- JENNIFER...
- (gasps)

HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN BEHIND ME?

ALL MY LIFE.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM

"MERCY LUNCH"?

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE REALLY HERE!

JUST CALM DOWN, HERB,
AND TRY NOT TO LEER.

OH, BUT THIS-THIS-THIS...
THIS IS WONDERFUL.

- HERB?
- YEAH?

- YOUR TIE IS ON THE TABLE.
- WHOOPS.

OH, BOY.

EVERYBODY IS SEEING
ME EATING WITH YOU.

I COME HERE ALL THE TIME. I KNOW
THESE PEOP... I KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

HERB, JUST BE CAREFUL.

- I DON'T...
- OH, HERB!

OH!

IT'S ALL... IT'S
ALL... IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO PROBLEMO.

THIS IS MY BEST OUTFIT, THOUGH.

I... IT IS?

LOOK, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

OKAY.

I KNOW THIS IS GONNA
SOUND KIND OF WEIRD TO YOU,

BUT, UH, LATELY I'VE
BEEN THINKING THAT...

WELL, THAT PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN LAUGHING AT ME.

- REALLY?
- MM-HMM.

I KNOW, I KNOW, IT DOESN'T
MAKE A BIT OF SENSE,

BUT SOMEHOW

I THINK THEY FIND MY
CLOTHES A LITTLE FUNNY.

NOW, I SPEND A LOT
OF MONEY ON CLOTHES.

I MEAN, I TRY TO
MAKE A STATEMENT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
- PUT WHAT?

MR. TARMAC, YOUR CHECK.

TARLEK.

IT'S REALLY BEEN
NICE HAVING YOU HERE.

- THANK YOU.
- THE GUYS IN THE...

THE GUYS IN THE KITCHEN SAY HI.

HI BACK.

LET'S KEEP IT MOVING, OKAY?

YES, SIR.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

SURE, I DO, BUT YOU
KEEP TURNING ME DOWN.

YOU NEED A NEW IMAGE,
A WHOLE NEW LOOK.

NOT THAT YOU NEED
A NEW LOOK SO MUCH,

BUT CHANGE IS ALWAYS
EXCITING, DON'T YOU THINK?

AND I THINK I AM THE PERSON

TO GIVE YOU A NEW IMAGE.

I'VE WAITED FOR THIS.

I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR WARDROBE.

NOW, I KNOW A WONDERFUL
TAILOR NEAR HERE.

I'M GOING TO REDO YOU

JUST LIKE I REDID THE LOBBY.

YOU'RE GONNA LOOK
GREAT. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

AS LONG AS I DON'T
LOOK LIKE A ROOM.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT.

I WANT EVERYBODY TO
SEE ME LEAVING WITH YOU,

WALKING OUT ON MY ARM LIKE THIS.

THIS IS MY PROUDEST MOMENT.

LADY AND GENTLEMEN,

I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT
MY LATEST CREATION.

INTRODUCING THE
NEW H.R. TARLEK JR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

REALLY GOOD, JENNIFER.
IT'S VERY LIFELIKE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

(Southern accent) MY, MY,
MY. I CAN HARDLY BREATHE.

WHY, MR. TARLEK, HAVE YOU
BEEN LUNCHING AT THE CLUB?

WHY, YOU ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE A
POOR GIRL JUST SWOON RIGHT AWAY.

I, UH, DO LOOK
RATHER GOOD, DON'T I?

IS HE PROGRAMMED FOR POLO?

WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

ARE YOU EARTH, WIND, OR FIRE?

I'M FIRE, BABY, 'CAUSE
WOMEN SEEK THE HEAT.

IT'S INTERESTING. IT'S A CULTURAL
MYTH YOU'RE NOT DENYING.

- 'CAUSE THAT ONE'S TRUE.
- WHOA.

DIDN'T I SEE YOU ON
LET'S MAKE A DEAL?

(whistles) NEW THREADS, HUH?

- YOU LIKE?
- YEAH, I DO.

- JENNIFER DRESSED ME.
- SHE'S GOOD.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

WE HAD LUNCH TOGETHER.

MAN, YOU ARE WORKING OUT.

WELL, THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS

I STILL HAVE TO WORK ON.

UH, YOU KNOW, MINOR THINGS,
LIKE A NEW PERSONALITY,

BUT I'M COMING ALONG,
RIGHT, JENNIFER?

RIGHT.

OH, AND, UH, BEFORE I LEAVE

TO VISIT A NEW CLIENT,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT
REAGANOMICS IS WORKING.

IT'S, UH, "SUPPLY
SIDE" ECONOMICS,

NOT "TRICKLE DOWN,"
AND WE WOULDN'T DREAM

OF TAKING ALL THE MONEY
OUT OF SOCIAL PROGRAMS

AND GIVING IT TO BIG BUSINESS.

- HOW'S THAT?
- A LITTLE TOO GOOD, HERB.

I DON'T CARE HOW
MILITANT THIS INTERVIEW IS

GONNA BE, I'M GONNA
COME OUT LOOKING GOOD.

IN YOUR ROOTS SUIT
FROM MONSANTO.

(humming tune)

(clears throat)

GENTLEMEN, GOOD
AFTERNOON TO YOU.

HEY, HERB. WHO ARE
YOU TRYING TO FOOL?

I AM GOING TO FOOL THE
WHOLE WORLD, TRAVIS.

WATCH ME.

WERE THERE ANY CALLS FOR ME?

OH, JUST PRESIDENT REAGAN.

RONNIE? I WONDER WHAT HE WANTED.

- I WAS JUST KIDDING.
- OH.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE
PRESIDENT, DO YOU?

OF COURSE NOT.

MAY I HELP YOU?

I'M TED JEFFRIES,
555-4212. CALL ME. I MEAN IT.

I'M HERE TO SEE HERB TARLEK.

HELLO, TED. HOW FINALLY NICE

TO MEET YOU FACE TO FACE.

DAMN SPORTING OF YOU
TO DROP BY LIKE THIS.

BEAUTIFUL PLACE YOU GOT HERE.

- YES, INDEED. CAN WE CHAT IN HERE?
- YEAH.

CAN I GET YOU A REFRESHMENT
OF SOME SORT? TEA, PERHAPS?

- ARE YOU AMERICAN?
- (chuckles)

AND FINALLY, THIS REPORTER
JOINS THE WORLD PRESS

IN CONGRATULATING
THE ROYAL COUPLE

ON THE UPCOMING
BIRTH OF THEIR CHILD.

WE'LL BE WATCHING THE
DATES VERY CAREFULLY.

THAT'S ALL THE NEWS AND
THEN SOME, UP TO THE MINUTE.

STAY TUNED NOW FOR VENUS
FLYTRAP AND THE MUSIC.

THANKS, LES.

WELCOME, PEOPLE,
AND STAY WITH ME,

WHILE I TAKE YOU HOME WITH A
LITTLE HELP FROM BOB MARLEY.

HE'LL ALWAYS BE WITH US.

TAKE OFF, LES.

WHY?

LES, THERE'S A GUY COMING UP
HERE FROM A BLACK MAGAZINE.

I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND, EXPLAINING
THE BLACK EXPERIENCE TO HIM.

WELL, YOU'VE ALWAYS LET ME CHAT

WITH YOUR BLACK FRIENDS BEFORE.

I ENJOY IT.

NOTICE I DIDN'T SAY "NEGRO."

OH, LES, PLEASE?

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS
ABOUT THIS, MAN.

BLACK LIFE MAGAZINE
IS REALLY HARD-HITTING.

I MEAN, THEY'RE INTO
BEING BLACK. I MEAN, INTO IT.

UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

NO, I DON'T, VENUS,

BUT I CAN SEE YOU'RE UPSET, SO
I'LL DO WHAT YOU SAY AND LEAVE.

THANKS, LES.

IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE
TO HELP A FRIEND.

- ESPECIALLY A BLACK FRIEND.
- GET OUT OF HERE!

RICK, THIS IS VENUS.

- HEY, BRO, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?
- HEY, BLOOD, WHAT IT IS...

- WHO'S THIS DUDE?
- THAT'S RICK JESPERSEN.

- YOU'RE NOT BLACK.
- NO. I WORK FOR
A BLACK MAGAZINE.

- YOU DO?
- UH-HUH.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU GUYS
LATER. HAVE A GOOD INTERVIEW.

- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.

I'VE REALLY BEEN
LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

- ME TOO.
- THANKS.

I TELL YOU, THOUGHT, YOU
KIND OF THREW ME THERE.

- I'M SORRY.
- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D BE WHITE.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS
A BLACK STATION.

- IT'S A WHITE STATION.
- I'M WHITE. MY MAGAZINE'S BLACK.

- I'M BLACK.
- WE'RE AN EQUAL-
OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER.

- SAME HERE.
- WE'RE PRETTY MILITANT
ABOUT IT TOO.

ME. TOO.

- WELL, GOOD. LET'S TALK.
- ABOUT WHAT?

- HOW ABOUT RACE?
- I DON'T THINK
THAT MUCH ABOUT IT.

- ME NEITHER.
- HAVE A SEAT.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
ONE OF THE GREAT

FOLLIES OF ADVERTISING IS THIS

TREND TOWARD TASTELESSNESS.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT
THE LAST BUSINESS I WAS IN

WAS MADE ILLEGAL?

I'M A SLIME-BUCKET.
I'M TASTELESS. I LIKE IT.

HELLO?

EXCUSE ME A MINUTE. I'LL BE
WITH YOU IN JUST A SECOND.

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE
HEADED INTO THE EVENING.

IT'S 35 DEGREES, MY CHILDREN.

TONIGHT'S GONNA BE KIND OF
SLIPPERY, SO DRIVE CAREFULLY.

THIS IS WKRP WITH VENUS.

AND "LOVE IS ON THE RISE,"

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PRIDE
OF ATLANTA, MR. PEABO BRYSON.

(song plays)

YOU WERE SAYING?

OH, I WAS SAYING,
I'M THE ONLY PERSON

OF ANOTHER COLOR
AT THE MAGAZINE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE THAT MUCH IN THE MINORITY?

MUST BE ROUGH.

OH, IT IS. SEE, WE'RE STILL
FAIRLY SMALL IN THE MARKET...

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE.

THE PLACE IS REALLY
SCREWED UP, ACTUALLY,

BUT IT'S STILL A
NICE PLACE TO WORK.

WE'RE PRIVATELY OWNED. WE'RE
RUN BY THIS GREAT, KINDHEARTED GUY...

WELL, HIS MOTHER
ACTUALLY OWNS THE THING.

BUT WE'RE ALL LOYAL TO HIM.

FOR ME IT'S KIND
OF WEIRD, THOUGH,

EVERYBODY BEING ONE
COLOR AND ME BEING ANOTHER.

IT GETS IN THE WAY SOMETIMES.

I'LL BET.

LIKE, WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF
REALLY GOOD-LOOKING GIRLS

AT THE MAGAZINE,
BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

WHENEVER I'M AROUND THEM, I FEEL LIKE I
ALWAYS HAVE TO BE CAREFUL, YOU KNOW?

I'LL BE DARNED.

I FEEL FUNNY WHEN I PUT
MY HAND ON THEIR SHOULDER.

I MEAN, THAT KIND OF THING.

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS,

I'VE REALLY GOTTEN TO
KNOW AND LOVE THESE PEOPLE,

AND I REALIZE... AND I
KNOW THIS IS A CLICHE...

BUT I REALIZE THAT PEOPLE ARE
PEOPLE AND YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE,

AND YOU LINK YOURSELF
TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE,

NO MATTER WHAT YOU
ARE OR WHAT THEY ARE.

ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.

WELL, WE'RE STILL

A PRETTY SMALL MARKET,
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE.

UH, THE PLACE IS PRETTY SCREWED
UP, BUT IT'S A NICE PLACE TO WORK.

WE'RE STILL PRIVATELY
OWNED, BUT WE'RE RUN BY

A GREAT, KINDHEARTED GUY.

UH-HUH.

YOU EVER WRITE AWAY
FOR A SLIM WHITMAN ALBUM?

WHY DON'T YOU SIP YOUR TEA

AND SELL YOUR TIME
TO GUCCI OR SOMEBODY?

TED, BABY, JUST WAIT A MINUTE.

DEEP DOWN INSIDE, I'M JUST
LIKE YOU... WORSE, EVEN.

YOU'RE TOO FANCY FOR ME.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE NEEDS OF A GUY LIKE ME.

I NEED TO TALK TO A SALESMAN
WHO'LL TALK MY LANGUAGE.

NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. IT'S JUST THE CLOTHES.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

COME BACK TOMORROW, AND I'LL HAVE
A SUIT ON THAT'LL MAKE YOU AIRSICK.

I MEAN, TRUST ME.

YEAH, NOW HE'S
TALKING DOWN TO ME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M STUPID?

WHAT'S WITH YOU HARVARD TYPES WITH
YOUR LITTLE CROCODILES ON YOUR SHIRTS?

I DON'T NEED YOU.

I NEED YOU. 555-4212.
CALL ME. I MEAN IT.

TED, I'M JUST A MISTAKE.

HERB, CAN I HAVE
MY OFFICE BACK NOW?

YES, SIR.

I THINK YOU LOOK NICE, HERB.

THANK YOU.

(door shuts)

WELL? WHAT NOW?

CALL ON THE
ADVERTISING AGENCIES.

THEY LIKE PEOPLE
WHO DRESS LIKE THAT.

THEY ALREADY KNOW ME.

SHOW THEM THE NEW YOU.

LET ME PUT IT ANOTHER WAY:
THEY ALREADY LOATHE ME.

OH.

THEN, HERB, YOU ARE
RIGHT AND I AM WRONG.

YEAH?

YEAH.

AND I WANT YOU TO
REMEMBER THIS MOMENT,

BECAUSE ITS NEVER
GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

YOU ARE RIGHT BECAUSE
YOU KNOW YOUR CLIENTS

AND TERRITORY BETTER THAN I DO.

THEREFORE, YOU KNOW BETTER
HOW TO PRESENT YOURSELF.

I AM WRONG BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

THE KIND OF PEOPLE
YOU ASSOCIATE WITH

AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO GO
DOWN INTO THE GARAGE,

LOOK AT ALL THE CARS,

PICK OUT THE SEAT COVERS YOU
LIKE BEST, AND WEAR THEM HOME.

THANKS, JENNIFER.

AND THEY ALL SAY,
"YOU'RE A PRETTY NICE GUY."

WHAT THEY DON'T SAY IS, "FOR A
WHITE GUY." YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- YEAH.
- ONE LAST THING.

DON'T YOU FEEL SILLY
DRESSED LIKE THAT?

YEAH, JUST A LITTLE.

ALL THE HIP DUDES DOWN AT THE
MAGAZINE DRESS LIKE THAT GUY.

- SEE YOU.
- YEAH.

UH, HOW'D YOUR INTERVIEW GO?

AH, OKAY. HE TALKED
ABOUT HIMSELF, MOSTLY.

- HE'S GOT AN IDENTITY CRISIS.
- YEAH, SAME HERE.

ME TOO.

I WONDER IF SLIM WHITMAN
HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

UH, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

DID YOU EVER HAVE
AN IDENTITY CRISIS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

YEAH, I GUESS NOT.

ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES,
JUST FOR A SECOND,

I THINK I'M PERHAPS
MENTALLY UNBALANCED,

BECAUSE ALL I THINK ABOUT

ARE MEN... ANY MAN,

AS LONG AS HE'S WELL-DRESSED.

AND I JUST WANT TO, YOU KNOW,

BE WITH HIM.

BUT THEN IT GOES
AWAY. IT ALWAYS DOES.

KNOCK ON WOOD.

(man singing rock, indistinct)

(meows)