WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 12 - Pills - full transcript

♪♪

AND IT DOES FEEL
ALL RIGHT, BABIES,

'CAUSE WE'RE GOING
OUT WITH RAY CHARLES,

AND A BIG ONE FROM 1958.

NOW, THE DOCTOR'S GONNA
HAVE TO PULL THE PLUG

ON YOUR LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEM
UNTIL TOMORROW MORNING,

BUT COMING UP
NEXT, SITTING IN FOR

THE EVER-ABSENT REX ERHARDT,

HERE'S SOME GUY ON
TAPE FROM LOS ANGELES.

Man: THANKS, JOHNNY.

IT'S ANOTHER TERRIFIC...
Overdubbed voice: WEDNESDAY



HERE IN... Overdubbed
voice: CINCINNATI.

HERE'S NUMBER ONE ON THE...

Overdubbed voice: WKRP...

HEAVY HITS COUNTDOWN.

BOY, WHERE DID THEY
GET THIS GUY, ANYWAY?

- IT'S ONLY FOR A WEEK.
- AH.

WELL, I GUESS I CAN
TAKE IT FOR THAT LONG.

(soft rock plays)

MAYBE NOT.

- WHERE'S REX OFF TO NOW?
- TENNIS TOURNAMENT.

IS IT TIME FOR THE DEBBY
BOONE INVITATIONAL ALREADY?

MM-HMM.

- HEY, BIG BAILEY.
- HEY, BIG HERB.

HEY, BIG JOHN. HOW'S THE GUY?



LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS

HERMETICALLY SEALED DEEJAY.

OH, YEAH. TWO HOURS OF SHOW,

ALL ON TAPE, DIDN'T
COST US A DIME.

WELL, YOU'D NEVER KNOW IT.

OH, JOHN, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE CERTAINLY NEVER GONNA
BE REPLACED BY A SYNDICATED SHOW.

YOU ARE EL NUMERO ONE.

NOW, HAVEN'T I ALWAYS SAID THAT?

EVERY TIME YOU WANT
SOMETHING, YEAH.

- HA!
- WHAT DO YOU WANT, HERB?

JUST THE USE OF THAT OH, SO
PERSUASIVE VOICE OF YOURS

FOR JUST THREE LITTLE
60-SECOND SPOTS.

FORGET IT, PAL. I'M OUT OF HERE.

- THE GUY ASKED FOR YOU, JOHN.
- I'M SORRY, HERB.

YOU JUST TELL HIM THE
DOCTOR IS NOT FOR SALE.

ALMOST FORGOT.

- THERE'S A TALENT FEE... 35 A SPOT.
- SOLD.

YOU WEREN'T GONNA TELL ME ABOUT

THE "FEE" PART OF IT, WERE YOU?

SURE, I WAS.

YOU THINK I'D CHEAT YOU?

ANYWAY, DAVE'S
WAITING WAITING FOR YOU.

- DAVE, COME ON IN HERE.
- SURE.

DAVE WICKERMAN, I
WANT YOU TO MEET

THE INCREDIBLE DR. JOHNNY FEVER.

HEY. (chuckles)

THIS IS REALLY A
PLEASURE. I AM A FAN.

- GREAT...
- I'M NOT KIDDING.

I HAVE BEEN LISTENING
TO YOU FOR FOUR YEARS.

- OH, REALLY?
- YOU ARE ONE OF THE GREATS.

- I WOULDN'T GO SO FAR...
- REALLY SENSATIONAL.

UH, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS,

I REALLY... I REALLY
HATE LIKE HECK

TO DIVE IN HERE, BUT DON'T WE
HAVE SOME SPOTS TO DO? HUH?

- OH, HERB.
- PROBABLY RIGHT. WE CAN
TALK MORE ABOUT THIS LATER.

- HE'S A WILD MAN, ISN'T HE?
- OH, YES.

WHY DON'T WE JUST DO IT IN HERE?

- IN HERE?
- WE'LL DO TWO MIKES, DAVE,
SO YOU TAKE THAT ONE,

- YOU TAKE THIS ONE.
- AND I'LL BE ON
THIS ONE HERE.

JOHN WILL BE ON THIS ONE, AND
I'LL OPERATE THE TAPE RECORDER.

- HE'LL OPERATE
THE TAPE RECORDER.
- OH.

- THIS IS REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
- THERE. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

WAIT, LET ME FIX
THIS FOR YOU, JOHN.

(coughing)

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. JUST
SCOOT DOWN THERE, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, READY? OKAY, GO.

OKAY, WICKERMAN
SPOT ONE, TAKE ONE.

FAT... WHAT A BUMMER.

THE ONLY THINGS WORSE ARE
DIETING AND BORING EXERCISES.

WELL, NOW THERE'S ANOTHER WAY,

AND HERE'S DAVE WICKERMAN
TO TELL US ABOUT IT.

THANKS, JOHNNY.

NOW YOU CAN CUT YOUR
EXERCISE PROGRAM IN HALF

JUST SUPPLEMENT IT WITH WICKERMAN'S
WEIGHT LOSS ENERGY CAPSULES.

YOU KNOW, DAVE, THE
REAL DOWNER ABOUT DIETING

IS THE WAY IT MAKES ME ALL
CRANKY AND OUT OF SORTS.

BAD TRIP.

NOT ANYMORE, JOHN.

WHEN YOUR MOOD IS BLACK, THESE
LITTLE BEAUTIES WILL KEEP YOU GOING,

AND ON THOSE LATE
NIGHTS BEFORE FINALS,

- EXCUSE ME.
- WHEN YOU'RE REALLY
FEELING DOWN AND OUT

- EXCUSE ME, DAVE.
- AND YOU NEED SOMETHING TO...

UH, LISTEN, IT'S REALLY
EXCEPTIONAL COPY HERE.

I MEAN, THE MESSAGE COMES
THROUGH LOUD AND CLEAR.

GREAT, GREAT.

THAT'S A PRO TALKING, DAVE.

AND THE PRO ISN'T
GONNA DO THESE SPOTS.

- I'M SORRY. WHAT?
- YOU KNOW, HERB,

YOUR FRIEND HERE
IS RATHER REPTILIAN.

- WHAT?
- YEAH. BUT IF YOU
PUT HIM ON THE AIR,

YOU ARE DEFINITELY A SNAKE.

WAIT. JOHN...
JOHN, LET'S TALK...

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

WHAT I'M TRYING TO
SAY IS THAT I DIDN'T KNOW

THAT BOUNCING DIDN'T HAVE
ANY EXERCISE VALUE AT ALL.

HA! A LOT YOU KNOW, SITTING
THERE EATING THAT DOUGHNUT.

- I'M SORRY.
- WHERE DO THEY GO,
ANYWAY, TRAVIS?

- WHAT'S THAT, SIR?
- THE DOUGHNUTS.

WHEN I EAT THOSE SUCKERS,
THEY GO STRAIGHT FOR MY BELT LINE.

WHEN YOU EAT 'EM,
APPARENTLY THEY TURN INTO HAIR.

UH-OH. BUSY EXECUTIVES AT WORK.

DON'T MIND ME.

- JENNIFER?
- YES?

HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?

WHY, OF COURSE. SILLY ME.

MR. CARLSON, HAVE
YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT?

YOU BET. THREE POUNDS.

GOODNESS. I WOULD'VE
SAID AT LEAST 20.

- OH.
- NO, NO. MAKE THAT 30.

YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP DIETING.
YOU LOOK POSITIVELY EMACIATED.

THANK YOU, JENNIFER.
THAT'LL BE ALL.

MY PLEASURE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU
COULD LOSE A COUPLE OF POUNDS.

- YOU TOO.
- THANKS.

BIG GUY? BIG... BIG... BIG...

(Mr. Carlson groans)

(groaning, sputtering)

BIG GUY, FEVER WENT NUTS AND
ATTACKED ONE OF MY CLIENTS.

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DAVE WICKERMAN, OF
WICKERMAN'S WEIGHT-LOSS STUDIO.

THE NICEST GUY EVER
TO WALK THIS EARTH,

AND HE CALLED HIM A
SNAKE RIGHT TO HIS FACE.

- THAT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE JOHNNY.
- THEN HE CALLED ME ONE TOO.

WELL, THAT DOES
SOUND LIKE JOHNNY.

I SWEAR, IF DAVE
WASN'T SUCH A NICE GUY,

HE'D HAVE CANCELED
RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT.

BUT FORTUNATELY, I JUST
KIND OF JUMPED IN THERE

AND TURNED ON THE OLD
CHARM AND SAVED THE ACCOUNT,

NO THANKS TO FEVER.

WELL, I'LL TALK TO JOHNNY.

DID YOU GAIN SOME
WEIGHT, BIG GUY?

TAKE A LOOK AT THE COPY.

WHAT, HE'S SELLING DIET AIDS.

WELL, THEY'RE NOT
REGULAR DIET AIDS.

I MEAN, UH, "WHEN
YOUR MOOD IS BLACK,

THESE LITTLE BEAUTIES
WILL KEEP YOU GOING"?

SO?

SO, YOU THINK MAYBE THE GUY

- IS TRYING TO SELL SPEED?
- OH, COME ON, JOHN.

LOOK, NOT ONLY THAT, I POINT
OUT HE'S TRYING TO SELL IT TO KIDS.

DOWN HERE: "ON THOSE
LATE NIGHTS BEFORE FINALS..."

NOW, WHAT DOES
TAKING A FINAL EXAM

HAVE TO DO WITH LOSING WEIGHT?

THIS IS NUTS.

THE GUY CANNOT BE SELLING
SPEED OVER THE COUNTER.

WELL, I AM SAYING THAT HE IS.

ACTUALLY, YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT.

OH, GREAT. A DRUG EXPERT.

BLACK BEAUTIES, YELLOWJACKETS,

MINI WHITE CROSSES,

RAINBOWS, REDS,
WHITES, UPS, DOWNS.

- LESTER!
- WHAT YOU HAVE HERE

ARE PROBABLY
LOOKALIKES, OR "TURKEYS,"

AS WE SAY ON THE STREET.

RIGHT.

THEY'RE COUNTERFEITS OF
THE ACTUAL AMPHETAMINES.

THEY CONTAIN ABNORMALLY
HIGH CONCENTRATIONS

OF CAFFEINE OR OTHER SUBSTANCES

THAT ARE NOT
FEDERALLY CONTROLLED.

BUT IF YOU TAKE ENOUGH OF THEM,

YOU GO SPEEDING.

AS FRANK ZAPPA ONCE SAID...

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH?

IF EITHER OF YOU PAID ANY
ATTENTION AT ALL TO MY NOON REPORTS,

YOU'D KNOW I DID AN IN-DEPTH
STUDY ON THEM WEEKS AGO.

- WELL...
- THESE LOOKALIKES HAVE SURFACED
IN A NUMBER OF MAJOR CITIES,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING
ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT THEM

BECAUSE THEY AREN'T
THE REAL DRUGS.

IF THAT'S THE CASE,
THEN WHAT IS THE HARM?

SO NAIVE. YOU TELL HIM, JOHN.

WELL, KIDS THINK THEY'RE
HARMLESS BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT REAL,

SO THE START GOBBLING
THEM BY THE HANDFUL.

RIGHT. OKAY.

I'LL GO HAVE A CONFUSING
CONVERSATION WITH CARLSON ABOUT THIS.

- I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. DON'T WORRY.
- GOOD.

- LES, UH...
- I KNOW ABOUT MARY JANE TOO,

SO WATCH YOUR STEP.

MARY JANE WHO?

GONE TO LUNCH.

HAVE YOU SEEN HERB? FREEZE.

ANDY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.

LET'S DO THE LUNCH THING.
WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING?

- A WORD WITH YOU.
- NOW WHAT HAVE I DONE?

HERB, I'M NOT SURE, BUT LET'S
FIND OUT TOGETHER, SHALL WE?

OKAY, FINE.

YOU, ME, AND MR. CARLSON

ARE GONNA PAY A LITTLE VISIT TO
YOUR GOOD FRIEND, MR. WICKERMAN.

YOU WANT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT?

MAYBE. MAYBE 160
POUNDS OF POLYESTER.

GREAT!

ANYBODY HERE?

WELL, LOOK.

AS ADVERTISED ON WKRP.

- HEY, HERB.
- HEY, DAVE.

HEY, SEE YOU BROUGHT SOME
OF YOUR BUDDIES BY, HUH?

- YEAH, THIS IS, UH...
- OH, HEY,

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT HERE
JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.

(laughing)

HEY, WE'LL GET YOU
BACK IN SHAPE IN NO TIME.

HERB, LISTEN, LISTEN,
I'M GLAD YOU CAME BY

BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOME NEW
COPY... IT'LL SAVE ME A TRIP.

JUST GET ANY OF THE OTHER
JOCKS AT THE STATION TO RECORD IT.

- THESE GUYS...
- THE TRUTH IS, SIR,

THAT WE'RE NOT GONNA BE
RUNNING THOSE SPOTS AFTER ALL.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T
THINK WE'VE MET.

YEAH, I'M ANDY TRAVIS,
PROGRAM DIRECTOR AT WKRP.

THIS IS ARTHUR CARLSON.
HE'S THE STATION MANAGER.

- (talking at once)
- WOW, ALL THE BRASS, HUH?

SO TELL ME, WHAT'S THIS
ABOUT NOT RUNNING THE SPOTS?

WELL, A FUNNY THING...

WOULD YOU BELIEVE
WE'RE SOLD OUT?

WKRP?

I THINK WHAT MR. CARLSON MEANS

IS WE'VE HAD A LITTLE CHANGE
IN THE SCHEDULING SITUATION,

SO WE'D JUST LIKE TO GIVE YOU
THIS CHECK BACK AND CALL IT EVEN.

OH, LISTEN, I DON'T WANT
TO CAUSE ANY TROUBLE,

BUT I... I TELL YOU, I NEED
TO RUN THOSE SPOTS.

- YOU DO?
- YEAH, LISTEN,

YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW TOUGH IT'S BEEN

JUST TRYING TO GET A
STATION TO SELL ME SOME TIME.

WELL, THE FACT IS THAT HERB MADE
A MISTAKE IN SELLING YOU THAT TIME,

SO HERB, YOU GIVE HIM THE CHECK.

WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE
TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

SURELY.

BIG GUY?

LOOK, WE JUST DON'T
WANT YOU ON OUR STATION.

I MEAN, YOU'RE SELLING
THIS STUFF TO KIDS.

NOW, HOLD ON A
SECOND. FIRST OF ALL,

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG
WITH MY ENERGY CAPSULES.

WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT WE HEARD.

SECOND OF ALL, I DON'T SELL
ANYTHING TO MINORS OR CHILDREN

WITHOUT THE EXPRESS
CONSENT OF THEIR PARENTS.

WHAT'S THAT? A NOTE
FROM MOMMY, IS IT?

YOU CHECK ALL THE
SIGNATURES OUT, DO YOU?

I OPERATE WITHIN THE LAW,

AND I EXPECT YOU TO DO THE SAME.

WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY THAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

WHAT I MEAN IS

THAT I HAVE A CONTRACT
IN MY OFFICE, ON MY DESK,

WITH YOUR SIGNATURE
ON IT AND YOURS

THAT SAYS I GET 18 SPOTS
A WEEK FOR TWO WEEKS,

AND I WANT THOSE SPOTS.

I'M SORRY, MR. WICKERMAN,
BUT WE JUST CAN'T DO IT.

OH, COME ON, GUYS. DON'T
MAKE ME CALL MY LAWYER.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO BE THE BAD GUY, HUH?

HEY, LISTEN. WHY
DON'T YOU JUST RELAX

AND TAKE THESE AND
HAVE A GOOD TIME, HUH?

YOU GO AHEAD AND
CALL YOUR LAWYER.

F. LEE, BAILEY, IF YOU LIKE.

WE HAVE AN ATTORNEY TOO,

AND THERE'S NOT A
COURT IN THIS LAND

THAT'D MAKE US RUN
YOUR LOUSY COMMERCIALS.

BEHIND THE 8-BALL.

UP THE CREEK. BETWEEN A ROCK

AND A HARD PLACE.

HANGING BY A THREAD

WITH A SNOWBALL'S
CHANCE IN HELL.

HOW DO YOU MEAN THAT?

YOU LET THIS THING GET TO COURT,

YOU COULD BE LEFT
TWISTING IN THE WIND.

LOOK, YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING.

LAWYERS NEVER JOKE
ABOUT THE LAW, OKAY?

I'M SORRY, MR. BARTMAN,
BUT THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT "RIGHT,"

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LAW.

NOW, LOOK. YOU'VE MADE A
CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT WITH THIS MAN.

HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO
VIOLATE THAT CONTRACT.

HOW CAN A JUDGE TELL ME
WHO I HAVE FOR A CLIENT?

LOOK, YOU DO SPOTS
FOR ASPIRIN, RIGHT?

- DO WE?
- YEAH.

SO YOU HAVE NO POLICY AGAINST

- ADVERTISING
OVER-THE-COUNTER DRUGS.
- WELL, SO WHAT?

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK
THE MAN IS SELLING,

WALL-TO-WALL CARPETING?

LOOK, ASPIRINS HELP PEOPLE.

WICKERMAN CALLS
HIS JUNK "STIMULANTS."

BUT IT'S ALL LEGAL, AND YOU'RE
DISCRIMINATING AGAINST HIM.

YOU'RE DARNED
RIGHT WE ARE, FRANK.

I MEAN, THAT GUY DOESN'T
EVEN TAKE HIS OWN PILLS.

HECK, HE WEIGHS MORE THAN
I DO, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

I'M NOT YOUR CONSCIENCE,
ARTHUR, I'M YOUR LAWYER.

MY ADVICE IS, RUN THE SPOTS
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WHEN HIS CONTRACT'S
UP, IT'S ALL OVER.

NO, I SAY WE CANCEL HIM NOW,

- AND WE TAKE OUR
CHANCES IN COURT.
- ME TOO.

BUT YOU DON'T PAY MY
RETAINER, YOU KNOW.

YOUR MOTHER DOES.

SO I'M TO BE REPORTING TO HER.

YOU WILL?

UH-HUH. NOW,

YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T GO TO COURT.

YOU KNOW THAT. IT'S
FAR TOO EXPENSIVE,

AND IT'S MESSY.

SO IF IT'S YOUR INTENTION
TO IGNORE MY ADVICE,

I'M GONNA TELL ON YOU.

SO HE SUES, MAN. SO WHAT?

WHY ARE YOU SO
EXCITED ABOUT THIS?

BECAUSE THE GUY'S SELLING SPEED.

MAN, I THOUGHT SPEED WAS
GONE. WE'VE GOT TO FIGHT THIS GUY.

WE CAN'T AFFORD TO GO TO
COURT, SO FORGET ABOUT IT.

ANDY, REAL SPEED IS GONE
BECAUSE IT KILLED EVERYBODY.

JUNKIES DON'T EVEN WANT IT BACK.

ONCE THE REPUBLICANS GOT IN,
EVERYBODY JUST SWITCHED TO DOWNERS.

NOW, LOOK, YOU GUYS, WE'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO RIDE THIS THING OUT.

GREAT. WHEN IS HERB GOING AFTER

A CONCEALABLE HANDGUN ACCOUNT?

HERE ARE THE DISCLAIMERS.

I WANT THESE READ BEFORE
EVERY WICKERMAN SPOT.

"THIS STATION DOES NOT ENDORSE OR RECOMMEND
THE USE OF THE FOLLOWING PRODUCT."

WOW. REALLY HARD-HITTING STUFF.

YEAH, WELL, THE LAWYER WROTE IT.

YEAH, WELL, HE LEFT OUT ALL THE
"WHERASES" AND "THEREFORES."

DO THE BEST YOU
CAN WITH IT, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS THE WORST, MAN. I CAN'T
BELIEVE THEY COULD FORCE US TO...

WHAT IS IT?

WHAT?

YOU'VE GOT THAT
LOOK IN YOUR EYE.

I CAN SEE IT BEHIND
THOSE SHADES.

WHAT LOOK IS THAT?

THAT "VIGILANTE JUSTICE" LOOK.

(sinister chuckling)

Johnny: WHEREAS IT IS STRICTLY

THE OPINION OF THIS
ANNOUNCER AND THEREFORE

BY NO MEANS A PROVABLE FACT,

THE SPONSOR YOU'RE
ABOUT TO HEAR FROM IS,

TO WIT, A REAL SCUM-BUCKET.

UH-OH.

Venus: TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT?

(voice slowing down) ALL
THAT BORING EXERCISE

THAT USED TO LEAD
NOWHERE IS GONE FOREVER.

(sped up) NOW WITH
WICKERMAN'S...

(tape speeding up,
slowing down, warbling)

OH.

THEY HAVE BEEN DOING THAT
FOR THE LAST TWO HOURS.

SO FAR, THE MAN HAS BEEN
CALLED A SCUM-BUCKET,

NERD, FREAK, GUTTER SNIPE,

AND, UH, WHAT WAS
THE OTHER... OH, YEAH...

A WAHOO.

WHAT'S A WAHOO?

I THINK IT'S AN
INSURANCE COMPANY.

- "SCUM-BUCKET"?
- UH, YES, SIR.

- HAS WICKERMAN
CALLED IN HERE YET?
- NOT YET.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, LET ME TELL
YOU WHAT I THINK WE OUGHT TO DO.

- JENNIFER, WOULD YOU
PLEASE CALL MY LAWYER?
- YES, SIR.

BAILEY, WOULD YOU MIND BRINGING ME THE
HEADS OF FEVER AND FLYTRAP ON A PLATTER?

- YES, SIR.
- WHERE'S TRAVIS?

DOWNSTAIRS DOUGHNUT SHOP.

OH, CALL DOWN AND TELL HIM
NEVER TO COME IN HERE AGAIN.

AND HAVE LES BEATEN UP,
FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON.

NO, I'LL HANDLE THAT.
WHAT ABOUT HERB?

- HERB IS MINE.
- OH.

THANK YOU, LADIES.

GEE, IT'S A PLEASURE DOING
BUSINESS WITH WOMEN.

NOW, I KNOW I DIDN'T GO

TO ONE OF THOSE BIG
IVY-LEAGUE LAW SCHOOLS

AND I DIDN'T GRADUATE
AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS,

BUT I DO KNOW THAT "SCUM-BUCKET"

IS SLANDEROUS AND
DEFINITELY ACTIONABLE.

WHICH MEANS?

WELL, I THINK THE
LEGAL TERM FOR IT

WOULD BE, "YOUR
KEISTER'S IN A SLING."

OH, BOY.

I GOT TO ADMIT, AT FIRST I
WAS A LITTLE TICKED OFF,

BUT THOSE SPOTS, THEY'RE
WORKING LIKE A CHARM.

THEY'RE THE TALK OF THE TOWN.

(indistinct)

- GOSH-DOG IT.
- WHAT?

JOHNNY AND VENUS'S
NUT-BAR SPOTS ARE WORKING.

(scoffs) OF COURSE THEY ARE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU,

THE MORE TASTELESS COMMERCIALS
ARE, THE BETTER THEY WORK.

I'VE GOT TO TALK TO
CARLSON ABOUT THIS.

THIS MIGHT NOT BE
SO EASY TO RIDE OUT.

THANKS. ANDY?

ANDY SHOULD SEE THIS.
SO SHOULD MR. CARLSON.

- WELL, THEN, SO SHOULD I.
- I WANT TO SHOW IT TO
SOMEONE IN AUTHORITY.

RIGHT.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

IT WAS A NEWS TIP.
NOW, GIVE IT BACK.

NO. AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA
SHOW IT TO MR. CARLSON.

OR ANDY EITHER,
AND I MEAN IT, LES.

Herb: THIS IS HERBERT...

(microphone feeding back)

OH. HI, ANDY. HOW'S THE GUY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, NOTHING MUCH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LOOKING FOR CARLSON.
WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?

IN HERE?

- YEAH.
- UH...

JUST MAKING A QUICK TAPE,
THAT'S ALL. NOTHING MUCH.

MM-HMM. TAPE FOR WHAT?

PUT ON THE AIR.

NO, NO, HERB, LET ME EXPLAIN
TO YOU HOW THIS WORKS.

YOU SEE, YOU SELL THE SPOTS,

AND THE DEEJAYS,
THEY GO ON THE AIR.

I KNOW, BUT I HAVE
GOT TO DO THIS, ANDY.

I'VE GOT TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

YOU'RE ALWAYS DOING THE RIGHT THING AND
MR. CARLSON'S ALWAYS DOING THE RIGHT THING,

AND I'M TIRED OF BEING THE
ONLY PERSON AROUND HERE

WITHOUT A SHRED
OF HUMAN DECENCY.

I MEAN, IT BUGS ME.

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT, HERB?

THIS.

OH, GOOD LORD.

IS THIS TRUE?

DO IT.

- REALLY?
- YEAH, RIGHT NOW.

UH, YOU WANT TO
HELP ME RECORD IT?

NO, WE DON'T RECORD IT, HERB.

YOU GO RIGHT IN
THERE, AND WE DO IT LIVE.

OH, NO. NO, NO, NO.
I COULDN'T DO THAT,

YOU SEE, BECAUSE I'M THE GUY
WHO ALWAYS SCREWS UP, REMEMBER?

YOU'RE THE GUY THAT WANTS
TO DO RIGHT, REMEMBER?

NOW, COME ON. COME ON.

♪♪

ALL RIGHT, OUT OF THE WAY,
GUYS. HERBERT'S GOING ON THE AIR.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY... YOU WORK HERE
LONG ENOUGH, YOU START HALLUCINATING.

GET OUT.

- HERB'S GOING ON THE AIR?
- YEAH.

DOES THIS MEAN WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GO OUT AND SELL SOMETHING?

YOU GUYS... COME ON, SIT DOWN.

AND NOW, A SURPRISE
EDITORIAL BY HERBERT R. TARLEK,

WKRP SALES MANAGER.

(clears throat)

- THIS IS HERBERT R. TARLEK...
- I ALREADY SAID THAT.

OH.

A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO, I
SOLD SOME COMMERCIALS

TO WICKERMAN'S
WEIGHT-LOSS STUDIO.

THEY WERE ADVERTISING

THESE ENERGY CAPSULES,

AND THEY WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE LEGAL AND HARMLESS.

WELL, TODAY, A 15-YEAR-OLD KID

KEELED OVER IN HIS GYM CLASS,

AND HIS COACH FOUND
THESE PILLS IN HIS LOCKER.

I GUESS WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS THAT

I SHOULDN'T HAVE SOLD THESE
SPOTS TO MR. WICKERMAN,

AND I'M GONNA TEAR
UP HIS CONTRACT.

HE SAYS HE'S GONNA SUE US...

I HOPE HE DOESN'T...

BUT I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M
SORRY WE ADVERTISED THIS STUFF,

AND, WELL, WE'RE NOT
GONNA DO IT ANYMORE.

UH, I WANT IT KNOWN
THAT I STILL BELIEVE

IN THE FREE-ENTERPRISE SYSTEM,

AND I BELIEVE IN THE
RIGHT OF ANYBODY

TO ADVERTISE THEIR PRODUCT,

SO LONG AS IT DOESN'T
MAKE KIDS FAINT, SO...

WELL, IF YOU HAVE A PRODUCT
THAT YOU'D LIKE TO ADVERTISE,

JUST GIVE ME A CALL.

MY NAME IS HERB TARLEK,
AND THE PHONE NUMBER IS 555...

THANK YOU, HERBERT.

NOW WE CONTINUE WITH
OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING.

- YOU DONE GOOD, HERB.
- BUT I WASN'T THROUGH YET.

- OH, SURE, YOU WERE,
SURE, YOU WERE.
- YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, HERB.

YEAH, I GUESS I DID, DIDN'T I?

YEAH, EVEN IF YOU PICKED
MY SHOW TO DO IT IN.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I'LL JUST, UH...

YEAH.

- CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANKS.

- CONGRATULATIONS.
- AH, WELL...

HERB... HERB, COME HERE.

THANKS.

Man: WKRP IN CINCINNATI

WILL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

HEY, MAN, GUESS WHAT? DROVE
BY WICKERMAN'S ON THE WAY IN.

- LOT OF PICKET SIGNS?
- TWICE AS MANY AS YESTERDAY.

NOW, HERE'S THE BEST PART:
THERE'S A SIGN IN THE WINDOW

THAT SAYS, "GOING
OUT OF BUSINESS."

- REALLY?
- YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.

I HAD HERB CHECK IT OUT. THE
GUY'S LANDLORD'S THROWING HIM OUT.

- OUTSTANDING. SO WE'VE WON?
- NO.

HE'S MOVING TO THE
OTHER SIDE OF TOWN.

ALL PERFECTLY LEGAL.

WHY, MR. CARLSON, HAVE
YOU LOST SOME MORE WEIGHT?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'VE GAINED
FOUR POUNDS, AND I FEEL GREAT.

- HOW ABOUT YOU?
- I HAVE ONE OF
THOSE HEADACHES I GET

WHENEVER WE GET TOO MUCH MAIL.

OH. LISTEN. IF ANYBODY WANTS ME,

I'LL BE DOWN AT THE
DOUGHNUT SHOP.

(humming carefree tune)

(man singing rock, indistinct)

(meows)