WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 1 - An Explosive Affair: Part 1 - full transcript

JENNIFER, BUY YOU LUNCH?

OH, NO, THANK YOU,
BAILEY. I HAVE OTHER PLANS.

OOH, "PLANS," YOU SAY.

WELL, I THINK YOU'LL CHANGE
YOUR MIND WHEN I TELL YOU

THAT I HAPPEN TO HAVE A TWO-FOR-ONE
COUPON AT BOUNTY BURGER.

OH, THAT DOES SOUND
WONDERFUL, BUT...

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BEAT IT?

HAUTE CUISINE
FROM LA MAISONETTE.

ANDRE IS HAVING IT CATERED IN.

OH. WELL, WHAT THE HECK.

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO SLAM DOWN
TWO HALF-POUNDERS MYSELF.



(phone ringing)

WKRP.

MR. CARLSON?

HE'S IN A STRATEGY CONFERENCE.

NO, HE DIDN'T SAY. THAT'S
PART OF THE STRATEGY.

THANK YOU.

- MAY I HELP YOU?
- OH, I'M...

JENNIFER?

JOYCE! OH!

YOU CERTAINLY
AREN'T THE SAME GIRL

WHO STUMBLED IN HERE
FROM ROCK PILE, WEST VIRGINIA.

- "ROCK THROW."
- OH, WHEREVER.

BOY! LOOK AT YOU NOW!

WELL, HOW ARE YOU? WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?



WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

I'M STILL IN BROADCASTING, BUT
I'M NOT A RECEPTIONIST ANYMORE.

- OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- I'M AN ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE
FOR A REP FIRM.

- OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- AND I MOVED TO CLEVELAND.

OH, THAT'S... NICE.

Herb: ♪ HOT DIGGITY,
DOG DIGGITY ♪

♪ BOOM, WHAT YOU
DO TO ME, BOOM ♪

HAVE I GOT A DEAL
FOR YOU, JENNY-POO.

HI, LITTLE GUY.

- JOYCE. JOYCE!
- HELLO, HERB.

LISTEN,

IX-NAY ON THE "LITTLE
GUY" STUFF. YOU KNOW...

"LITTLE GUY"?

OOH, GEE, I DON'T KNOW, HERB.
I THINK IT KIND OF SUITS YOU.

SO, JOYCE,

BACK FOR ONE MORE
DESPERATE TRY AT MY JOB, HUH?

NO. SORRY. I GOT SOME
OTHER POOR LOSER'S JOB.

WELL, WHAT THE HECK.

CONGRATS. YOU SEE?
THE SYSTEM WORKS.

UH, JENNIFER, COULD YOU...

HI THERE. COULD YOU
GIVE ME A HAND WITH THIS?

GOOD GRAVY! IS THAT
JOYCE ARMOR I SEE?

THE BEST LITTLE
RECEPTIONIST I EVER HAD?

OH, UH...

WELL, UH, NOT-NOT
THE FIRST BEST.

NOT SECOND BEST EITHER.
I MEAN, SHE WAS THE FIRST.

- BUT NOT-NOT THE...
- EASY, MR. CARLSON. YOU'LL HURT YOURSELF.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO
HELP YOU UNTANGLE THAT?
- OH, NO, I CAN DO THAT.

NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY, JENNIFER.
THANKS A LOT. JOYCE, HUH?

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE
YOU AFTER ALL THIS TIME,

AND JENNIFER AND
THE LITTLE GUY AND...

"LITTLE GUY"?

I'D FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT
THAT "BIG GUY, LITTLE GUY" STUFF.

IF ANYBODY WANTS
ME, I'LL BE AT LUNCH.

ROGER, L.G.

OH, HERE YOU GO, JENNIFER.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO WITH THESE?

FILE THE COMPLAINTS
ABOUT JOHNNY,

AND, OH, UH,

YOU'D BETTER CALL THE
POLICE ABOUT THE BOMB THREAT.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

SAME OLD OFFICE. SAME OLD DESK.

YEAH, AND SAME OLD
FISH ON THE WALLS.

- I HAVEN'T HAULED IN
A BIG ONE SINCE...
- THE FLORIDA KEYS.

YEAH, AND I'M GOING DOWN
THERE AGAIN NEXT WEEK.

- BOY, IT'S GOOD TO SEE...
- GEE, IT'S GOOD TO SEE...

YOU ALWAYS DID KNOW WHAT I
WAS GONNA SAY BEFORE I DID.

DO YOU STILL TRY TO DICTATE YOUR MEMOS, OR
DOES JENNIFER TYPE THEM UP FROM LONGHAND?

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, WE REALLY
HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND TO THAT YET.

- HOW'S CARMEN?
- HUH? OH, CARMEN...

OH, EXCUSE ME. CARMEN IS GREAT.

SHE'S A LITTLE BUSY NOW,
WITH THE NEW BABY AND ALL.

THE BABY? OH, I DIDN'T
KNOW. THAT'S WONDERFUL.

OH, YEAH. WELL, I'VE GOT
A PICTURE HERE OF HER.

- NO, THAT'S OKAY. I'LL SEE IT LATER.
- OH, UH...

UH, TAKE MY WORD
FOR IT... SHE'S A BEAUTY.

SHE'S A YEAR OLD NOW.

HER NAME'S MELANIE.

WHY DON'T I LOOK AT ALL THE BABY
PICTURES OVER LUNCH AT EMILIO'S?

OH, GOSH. I'VE GOT ANOTHER
LUNCHEON APPOINTMENT IN HALF AN HOUR.

- OH!
- EMILIO'S?

- YEAH.
- BOY, I HAVEN'T
EATEN THERE IN AGES.

TO TELL THE TRUTH, I'VE
REALLY BEEN LOOKING

FOR AN EXCUSE TO GET
OUT OF THIS LUNCHEON.

IT'S WITH THE LIVER
ADVISORY BOARD.

BUT WHAT AM I GONNA TELL THEM?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL
THEM YOU'RE ALL TIED UP?

OH, HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU POKE UP THE
NUMBER? I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

(rock music plays)

WE BOTH WANT OKLAHOMA
AND GET THE SPREAD.

"OKRA-HOMA." WHY A
CHINESE BOOKIE, JOHN?

UH...

HE TAKES SLOW PAY,
GIVES GOOD EGG ROLL.

ALL RIGHT. THAT WAS
THE GREG KIHN BAND.

IT'S 12:47. THIS IS THE DOCTOR.

I'M SITTING IN TODAY
FOR REX ERHARDT,

CINCINNATI'S AIRHEAD
OF THE AIRWAVES.

REX WILL BE BACK
TOMORROW. DON'T ASK ME WHY.

- BUT...
- (R & B music plays)

IF YOU THINK THAT YOU'VE GOT
ALL THE ANSWERS, JUST REMEMBER

WAY BACK IN 1967, WHEN ARTHUR
CONLEY ASKED THE QUESTION:

♪ DO YOU LIKE GOOD MUSIC? ♪

OKAY, WING. BYE.

- "WING"?
- UH, YEAH.

I JUST ORDERED SOME
CHICKEN FOR JOHNNY AND ME.

UH-HUH. WHAT KIND OF
ODDS IS THE CHICKEN GIVING?

UH, OH, WHAT IS IT? YOU THINK
WE'RE GAMBLING HERE, RIGHT?

ANOTHER MARY MIXUP.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHAT I SAID I WAS
GONNA DO THE LAST TIME YOU PULLED THIS...

ANDY, I CALLED THE POLICE.
THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY.

- OH. THANK YOU, JENNIFER.
- THE POLICE?

LITTLE HARSH, TRAVIS.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT.
IT'S ABOUT THE BOMB THREAT.

EXCUSE ME?

BOMB THREAT.

EXCUSE ME.

COME ON. NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,
YOU GUYS. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN A STATION GETS
A LITTLE MORE POPULAR.

- WE ALL GET RAISES?
- NO, WE ALL GET BOMB THREATS,
WE GET PRANK CALLS.

YOU'VE GOT TO CALL THE POLICE.
IT'S STANDARD PROCEDURE.

BUT THESE THINGS ARE
ALMOST ALWAYS HOAXES.

SEE, NOW, WE'D HAVE FELT A LOT BETTER IF
YOU'D HAVE SAID THEY WERE ALWAYS HOAXES.

WHAT ARE ALWAYS HOAXES?

BOMB THREATS, LES.

ACTUALLY, THEY'RE
ALMOST ALWAYS HOAXES.

CONSISTENTLY A RAY OF HOPE.

THAT BOMBING LAST
MONTH IN DAYTON...

THAT ONE WAS REAL, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT BOMBING.

SOMEONE BLEW UP CHANNEL 73,

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE JOHN DAVIDSON SHOW.

IT WAS AWFUL.

LATER, A GROUP
CALLING ITSELF, UM,

BLACK MONDAY CALLED
AND CLAIMED CREDIT FOR IT.

- WHO?
- BLACK MONDAY.

- NOW, GET OUT.
- SUITS ME.

(R & B song resumes)

TIME FOR THE NEWS,
WITH LES NESSMAN.

YES, SIR, IT'S BLACK MONDAY.

SUPPOSED TO GO OFF AT 3:30.

JENNIFER, WE'LL BE AT LUNCH.

MR. CARLSON, THIS
IS OFFICER MARDIGAN.

OH. FINE. WHAT
CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

- LEAVE THE BUILDING.
- FINE.

YEAH, THIS'LL BE A
FULL-BUILDING SEARCH.

WHAT'S THAT? OH.

YOU HAVE A NICE DAY TOO, SIR.

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD
GET MR. TRAVIS FOR YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE. COME ON. LISTEN, WE HAVE
A RESPONSIBILITY HERE TO OUR LISTENERS.

RIGHT. IF I DIE, WHO'S
GONNA TEACH THE CHILDREN

ABOUT BO DIDDLEY?

- ANDY, THIS IS...
- Andy: BOMB SQUAD.

YEAH. WELL, NOT THE WHOLE SQUAD.

I JUST LOOK FOR THEM. THE FIRE
DEPARTMENT GUYS DISMANTLE THEM.

GREAT. WOULD YOU PLEASE
TELL THESE GUYS NOT TO PANIC?

DON'T PANIC. AND
LEAVE THE BUILDING.

- THERE, YOU SEE?
- YEAH.

WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS ALMOST
ALWAYS A JOKE, RIGHT, SIR?

OH, NO. NOT SINCE THE
JOHN DAVIDSON INCIDENT.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE TO
BROADCAST FROM THE TRANSMITTER.

NOW, DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?

TALL THING WITH RED LIGHTS
ON THE TOP OUT IN THE COUNTRY.

- WE'LL FIND IT.
- CAN WE TALK
ABOUT THIS OUTSIDE?

ONE OF YOU SHOULD TAKE
SOME ALBUMS, THOUGH.

I'LL PUT ON A TAPE UNTIL
YOU GET DOWN THERE.

- WELL?
- "WELL" WHAT?

WELL, GO BACK IN THERE
AND GET THE ALBUMS.

NEED I REMIND YOU THAT THE POLICE ARE
GONNA SEARCH EVERY INCH OF THIS STATION,

INCLUDING YOUR DESK DRAWER?

I'LL GET THOSE ALBUMS.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT'S BACK THERE?

- STUDIOS.
- AH.

DON'T YOU HAVE DOGS FOR THIS?

WE DID.

COME ON, HURRY UP, LES.

ANDY, THIS IS A HOAX, ISN'T IT?

I'M SURE IT IS, JENNIFER.

ARTHUR, YOU'RE A SCOUNDREL.

SOME PEOPLE CAN
TELL, AND SOME CAN'T.

AND YOU CAN.

HERE'S SOME OTHER
PICTURES OF THE BABY.

THIS IS WHEN SHE
GOT HER FIRST TOOTH.

OH, SHE'S ADORABLE. SHE MUST
REALLY KEEP CARMEN ON HER TOES.

YEAH, I GUESS SO. SHE'S
USUALLY ASLEEP WHEN I GET HOME.

- THE BABY?
- CARMEN.

I DON'T BLAME HER.
HOW'S LITTLE ARTHUR?

OH, HE'S GREAT. 15,
WANTS TO JOIN THE P.L.O.

- WELL...
- DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?

- FOR WHAT?
- WHAT TIME IS IT?

OH. OH. IT'S 1:30.

1:30? MY GOODNESS. I'M GONNA
HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE STATION.

I'VE GOT STACKS AND STACKS
OF WORK PILED UP ON MY DESK.

ARTHUR, REMEMBER, I'M ONE OF TWO
PEOPLE WHO KNOWS WHAT A CROCK THAT IS.

OH. YEAH. WELL, UH...

UNFORTUNATELY, I
HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

WE NEVER DID GET
DOWN TO BUSINESS.

"DOWN TO BUI..."

WELL, UM, I SHOULD'VE
BROUGHT IT UP SOONER,

BUT BELIEVE IT OR
NOT, I WAS KIND OF SHY.

YOU WERE?

- HOW ABOUT THIS AFTERNOON?
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YOU COULD COME TO MY
HOTEL ROOM AT THE ST. MARK.

COULDN'T WE JUST
TALK ON THE PHONE?

OH, NO. WE CANNOT
TALK ON THE PHONE.

THIS IS A HOT PROPOSITION.

WELL, I-I DON'T THINK THAT I...

WHAT I THINK IS, I
SHOULD GET BACK TO THE

STATION AND FIND OUT
WHAT THOSE POLICE WANT.

OH, ARTHUR, I'M LEAVING
FOR CLEVELAND THIS EVENING.

OH, GOSH. BAD LUCK.
HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT, AND...

WHY DON'T I CALL YOU WHEN I
GET BACK TO MY HOTEL ROOM?

I'LL BE THERE ALL AFTERNOON.

GOODBYE, JOYCE.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

- TOODLES.
- TOODLES.

- (microphone feeding back)
- THIS IS THE DOCTOR,

BRINGING YOU AN AFTERNOON
OF COMMERCIAL-FREE MUSIC.

- Venus: FEEDBACK, JOHN.
- CAN YOU FIX IT FOR ME, MAN?

COMMERCIAL-FREE
MUSIC IS SOMETHING THAT

I'M SURE OUR SALES MANAGER IS NOT
ENJOYING HALF AS MUCH AS WE ARE.

- AND VENUS FLY...
- (Record winding up)

FASCINATING RHYTHMS.

VENUS FLYTRAP WILL BE
WITH US A LITTLE EARLY TODAY

WITH ALL THE MUSIC
THAT ONE MAN CAN CARRY.

SPEAKING OF MUSIC, HERE'S
THE TUBES WITH A TUNE CALLED

"TALK TO YOU LATER,"
WHICH IS WHAT I'LL DO.

BOY, THIS PLACE HAS GOT
SOME REAL HISTORY TO IT.

AMPLE EVIDENCE OF A
ONCE-PROUD CIVILIZATION.

ANDY SAID THIS USED TO BE
THE ORIGINAL WKRP STUDIO.

YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE
THE ORIGINAL WKRP DIRT.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS PLACE IS
A DUMP. WHEN'S ANDY GONNA CALL?

- OH, BOY. MAYBE THEY'VE
BLOWN UP THE BUILDING.
- NO, NO.

SEE, THE SIGNAL IS STILL
COMING ACROSS THE AIR.

IT GOES THROUGH A
DOOHICKEY BACK AT THE STATION.

I'M IN AWE OF YOUR
TECHNICAL EXPERTISE.

I JUST HOPE THAT PHONE'S
NOT OUT OF ORDER.

SO DO I.

- I'VE GOT TO GET
A CALL THROUGH TO WING.
- WHY?

OH, VENUS, MY MAN, LOOK AT THIS.

DID YOU EVER SEE SUCH
A NAME ON A HORSE?

- "TERMINAL DISEASE"?
- NO, THE ONE UNDER THAT.

OH, "FEVER'S BREAK." WOW.

YOU KNOW, HUNCH BETS
ARE REALLY DUMB, JOHN.

"HUNCH BETS"?

THE GODS ARE
SCREAMING IN MY EARS.

I STILL THINK
THEY'RE REALLY DUMB.

- OKAY. WING.
- GIVE ME 25 ON THE NOSE.

SURE. UH, WING? BIG JOHN HERE.

LISTEN, IN THE THIRD...

WING? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

- WHAT?
- HE PUT ME ON HOLD.

WHAT KIND OF A BOOKIE
PUTS PEOPLE ON HOLD?

THE KIND THAT RUNS A
BUSY CHINESE RESTAURANT.

THIS IS NO EXCUSE. THERE
ARE PRIORITIES, YOU KNOW.

- YEAH. WHEN'S POST TIME?
- UH, 3:00.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT THREE MINUTES,
AND YOUR RECORD'S RUNNING OUT.

OH, NO. UH, DOCTOR HERE.
BYE-BYE. HERE'S VENUS.

- WING? WING!
- AH, THANKS, JOHN.

- WING? WING?
- WE'VE GOT A SPECIAL
EARLY EVENING HERE

- WITH NOTHING BUT
WALL-TO-WALL MUSIC.
- WING!

NOW THE MAGNIFICENCE
OF THE LATE BOB MARLEY.

- WING! WING!
- (Reggae plays)

HE HUNG UP!

ANDY, THIS IS THE BIGGEST
NEWS STORY WE'VE EVER HAD,

AND WE'RE SITTING ON IT.

OH, IT WAS ONLY A THREAT,
LES. THERE WAS NO BOMB.

MAYBE. YOU KNOW, ANDY,

THIS COULD GET ME ON AL
SCHOTTELKOTTE'S 6:00 EVENING NEWS.

OH, YEAH. HE'S GOOD, LES.

OR MAYBE EVEN...
DARE I SAY IT...

THE EVENING NEWS
WITH DAN RATHER?

WHEN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO
MAKE UP ALL THE COMMERCIALS

THIS LITTLE PRANK HAS COST US?

WELL, HERBERT,
JUST ABOUT ANYTIME.

WE CAN RUN MAKE-GOODS
TILL THE COWS COME HOME.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT
MOST OF OUR SPONSORS CANCELLED THIS YEAR.

- HMM. NOT MY FAULT.
- HERB, ALL I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS,

MAYBE NO COMMERCIALS
IS A GOOD IDEA.

HELPS BUILD RATINGS.

(wheezing)

AND WHAT ABOUT THE NEWS, ANDY?

WHY CAN'T I GO OUT TO
THE TRANSMITTER TOO?

LESTER, BY THE TIME YOU GOT OUT THERE,
JOHNNY AND VENUS WOULD BE BACK HERE.

THE NEWS MUST GO ON.

AND IT WILL, LES. JUST GET READY
FOR YOUR REGULAR 4:00 'CAST.

BUSY.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW, I HAD TO WAIT
OUTSIDE TO GET IN THIS BUILDING?

OH, THAT'S BECAUSE THE POLICE
WERE LOOKING FOR A BOMB.

OH. DID THEY FIND ONE?

HMM-MM. COVERED EVERY INCH
OF THE BUILDING. IT WAS A HOAX.

OH. WELL, YOU CARRY ON.

I'M GONNA GO CALL MY WIFE.

NOW, THERE GOES A MAN
WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.

- STILL BUSY.
- STILL BUSY.

- COME ON, I'M TRYING
TO DO A SHOW HERE.
- I'M SORRY, MAN.

IF YOU DON'T GET THROUGH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT. IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

- IT'S JUST A LONG SHOT.
- I LIVE FROM ONE LONG SHOT
TO THE NEXT, MAN.

THIS IS DIFFERENT.
HE CAN'T LOSE.

YOU BETTER HOPE
HE DOES. IT'S 3:00.

- OH, NO.
- (Switching stations)

- Announcer: IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
DAY FOR THE RUNNING...
- PLEASE, GOD.

ANYTHING YOU WANT. MY ALBUM
COLLECTION, MY VAN, VENUS'S CLOTHES...

HEY.

AND THEY'RE OFF!

AND IT'S CHARTER'S CHOICE
MOVING TO THE FRONT.

DORIS'S CHILI COMING
UP FAST ON THE OUTSIDE...

SEE? YOU'RE GONNA LOSE.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.

NO, HE ISN'T. YOU STILL
DON'T UNDERSTAND, DO YOU?

MELLOW FRIEND, AUTUMN NIGHT...

AND TRAILING THE FIELD,
THAT'S FEVER'S BREAK.

SEE?

OH, NOTHING. I JUST
CALLED TO SAY HELLO

AND TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU.

YOU DO? THANKS.

LISTEN, CARMEN, I
GOT A GREAT IDEA.

YEAH, I THOUGHT I'D SLIP OUT
EARLY, COME BY, PICK YOU UP.

WE COULD GO OUT, HAVE A LITTLE DINNER,
THEN MAYBE TAKE IN AN EARLY MOVIE, HUH?

OH.

OH.

YEAH, WELL, I-I UNDERSTAND.

IT'S JUST THAT WE, YOU KNOW,

WE HAVEN'T SEEN VERY
MUCH OF EACH OTHER LATELY.

NO, MY FEELINGS AREN'T HURT.

I MEAN, I KNOW ABOUT BABIES.

ARE YOUR FEELINGS HURT?

AH. YEAH, OKAY.

OH, NO. I'M NOT GOING
OUT WITHOUT YOU.

NO. NO, UH-UH.

WHAT?

WELL, JUST BECAUSE, THAT'S WHY.

AH, COME ON, NOW. DON'T INSIST.

HUH?

WELL, LISTEN, UH...

OH, REALLY?

WELL, YEAH, MAYBE. I...

SURE, YEAH. I'LL JUST, YOU KNOW,

STOP BY TO HAVE A
DRINK AT THE CLUB.

HMM?

YEAH, OKAY, SWEETHEART.

YEAH, BYE-BYE,
AND I LOVE YOU TOO.

FEVER'S BREAK, THE 80-TO-1
LONG SHOT IN THIS RACE

IN A STUNNING
COME-FROM-BEHIND VICTORY

PAYS OFF AT MUTUALS
OF $166.40 TO WIN,

$72 TO PLACE, AND
$34.60 TO SHOW.

(whistles)

WELL, WHAT THE HELL, HUH?

EASY COME, EASY GO, JOHN.

YEAH.

IT'S NOT THE END
OF THE WORLD, MAN.

- NO.
- BESIDES, WE'VE GOT A JOB
TO DO HERE, MISTER.

YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE, SIR.

(wry chuckle)

WELL, GIVE ME THE TOOLBOX.

- SURE.
- (exhales)

I THINK IT'S STILL LOCKED.

THAT'S OKAY.

(busy signal)

I'LL BET THEY'RE DOING
THIS ON PURPOSE.

I'LL BET THEY'VE GOT THE PHONE
OFF THE HOOK JUST TO FRUSTRATE ME.

I CAN SEE THEM LOOKING AT
EACH OTHER AND LAUGHING

AT THE THOUGHT
OF ME GOING CRAZY.

WELL, IT WON'T WORK!

AH-AH. GRACE UNDER PRESSURE.

TRAVIS, YOU KNOW THAT BUDGET MEETING
YOU'VE BEEN WANTING TO HAVE WITH ME?

YES, SIR, FOR SOME WEEKS NOW.

WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK, TRAVIS.
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT. IT COULD GO LATE.

- I DON'T THINK SO, SIR.
- NO?

FOR ONE THING,
HE'S GONNA HELP ME

RESCHEDULE ALL THESE SPOTS.

I SEE. OH, LES, MAYBE
WE CAN DISCUSS

WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE
THAT HELICOPTER.

- YOU ALWAYS LIKE TO DO THAT.
- NOT NOW, MR. CARLSON.

I'M SITTING ON THE BIGGEST
NEWS STORY OF MY CAREER.

OH, OKAY. UH...

MAYBE HERB WOULD ENJOY
SOCIALIZING WITH YOU.

YEAH. MAYBE I'LL
JUST GO ON HOME,

MAYBE CATCH THE
DUKES OF HAZZARD.

UM,

I WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WHY WE
DO NOT HAVE ANY FEMALE DEEJAYS.

YEAH, I GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA
DO: JUST GO RIGHT ON HOME.

OH, NUTS.

- MR. CARLSON?
- HMM?

JOYCE ARMOR IS ON
LINE TWO FOR YOU.

OH, REALLY? UH...

WELL, MAYBE I'LL TAKE
THAT IN MY OFFICE.

I KIND OF NEED THE EXERCISE.

- ANDY, HAVE YOU NOTICED...
- Les: SHH!

OH, EXCUSE ME, JENNIFER,

BUT I NEED TO GET SOME
SOUND FOR MY 4:00 NEWS REPORT.

I'M ABOUT TO SPRING INTO ACTION.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

(blowing)

TESTING, ONE, TWO, THREE.

HERE WE GO.

THREE, TWO, ONE... HI.
THIS IS LES NESSMAN.

WE'RE SPEAKING
WITH ANDREW TRAVIS,

PROGRAM DIRECTOR AT THE STATION THAT
RECEIVED THE BOMB THREAT THIS MORNING.

TELL ME, MR. TRAVIS, WHERE
WERE YOU WHEN YOU GOT THE NOTE?

OH, COME ON, LES.

PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

ALL RIGHT.

I WAS IN MY OFFICE, MR...

- NESSMAN.
- RIGHT.

AND I MIGHT ADD THAT I THINK YOU'RE
MAKING MORE OF THIS THAN IT DESERVES.

IT'S MERELY A HOAX. THAT'S WHAT
I SUSPECTED IN THE BEGINNING,

AND THAT HAS TURNED OUT TO BE
THE CASE HERE, MR., UH, NESSMAN, IS IT?

YES. AND SO YOU WEREN'T ALARMED,

EVEN THOUGH THE NOTE
WAS SIGNED "BLACK MONDAY"?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT, WES.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME;
YOU HAVE HEARD OF ME.

AND SO YOU WEREN'T CONCERNED, EVEN THOUGH
BLACK MONDAY WAS IN THE NEWS LAST MONTH

FOR BLOWING UP A
TELEVISION TRANSMITTER

- IN THIS REPORTER'S
HOMETOWN OF DAYTON?
- YEAH.

YOU SEE, MOST
SUCCESSFUL RADIO STATIONS

GET THIS SORT OF
THING ALL THE TIME...

- "TRANSMITTER"?
- YES.

OH, GOOD LORD, THAT'S IT.

THEY'VE GOT THE
TRANSMITTER BLASTED.

THERE YOU HAVE IT, DAN.
BACK TO YOU IN NEW YORK.

HEY, BIG GUY, TRAVIS
WANTS TO CANCEL...

(sniffing)

- IS THAT OLD SPICE?
- WHAT DO YOU WANT, HERB?

TO GIVE YOU THE SITUATION
REPORT, THAT'S ALL.

NO COMMERCIAL, NO
MONEY, NO STATION, NO JOB.

NO TIME.

I COULD'VE HAD CLASS, VENUS.

I COULD'VE BEEN A CONTENDER.

I COULD'VE BEEN SOMEBODY,

INSTEAD OF A BUM,
WHICH IS WHAT I AM.

THINGS COULD BE WORSE,
MAN. YOU COULD BE SITTING BACK

AT THE STATION ON TOP OF A BOMB.

YEAH.

♪ URGENT, URGENT,
URGENT, URGENT, URGENT ♪

♪ EMERGENCY ♪

♪ URGENT, URGENT EMERGENCY ♪

Man: WKRP IN CINCINNATI

WILL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

THE POLICE STILL HAVE 20
MINUTES TO GET OUT THERE.

OH. OH, WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

WHAT TIME DID YOU CALL THEM?

OH... (music winds up)

(winds down, up)

YOU KNOW, I COULD CHANGE

INTO SOMETHING EVEN
MORE COMFORTABLE.

I DON'T KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT FIXING NO PHONES.

I'VE GOT SOME VISUAL
AIDS IN THE OTHER ROOM.

OH, NO. (stammering)

HOW CAN WE ANNOUNCE
WE ARE OFF THE AIR

WHEN WE ARE OFF THE AIR?

(vocalizing Caribbean rhythm)

♪ DAYLIGHT COME, AND
ME WANT THROW UP ♪

(man singing rock, indistinct)

(meows)