WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 8 - Baby, It's Cold Inside - full transcript

The heat has gone out at the Flimm Building. But Johnny (Hessman) has ideas of his own on how to keep his co-workers warm.

ALL RIGHT, "ROUGH BOYS"
FROM PETE TOWNSHEND.

AND IT'S 8:07 IN THE
AM ON THE MIGHTY KRP

WHERE THE DOCTOR
ALWAYS DELIVERS.

HERE'S THE BOSS,
SPRINGSTEEN, "HUNGRY HEART,"

MY KINDA TUNE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HEAT?

HI... UH, THE BUILDING
FURNACE WENT OUT LAST NIGHT.

I DON'T LIKE THIS. DO SOMETHING.

WELL... WE COULD
HUDDLE TOGETHER.

OR YOU COULD DO WHAT I HAVE
BEEN DOING TO TAKE THE CHILL OFF.

AT 8 O'CLOCK IN THE
MORNING? I DON'T THINK SO.



YOU KNOW, OF COURSE THAT LIQUOR
IS NOT ALLOWED AT THE STATION.

YEAH.

AND I THINK IT'S AGAINST
FCC REGULATIONS.

YEAH, SO IS FREEZING TO DEATH.

REALLY, IT KINDA
WARMS YOU UP SOME.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT?

WELL, MAYBE JUST
A LITTLE SIP, HUH.

- NOT VERY MUCH THOUGH.
- OH.

THESE ARE UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES.

YES.

YOU KNOW, JENNIFER,
I'VE BEEN WONDERING, UH...

JUST HOW WE COULD GET TOGETHER
FOR AN INTIMATE LITTLE DRINK.

YUCK.

AND SOMEHOW I
THOUGHT YOU'D SAY THAT.



I WAS REFERRING TO THIS.

OH! THANK YOU.

OOH! IT IS KINDA TINGLY THOUGH!

TINGLY?

AND WARM, DOWN TO THE TOES.

YOU DON'T HARDLY
HAVE ANY SHOES ON.

WHY, JOHNNY.

THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.

I GOT THESE AT HOFFMAN'S
DEPARTMENT STORE LAST WEEK.

HOFFMAN'S? WHERE IS THAT?

- IN DALLAS.
- OH, YES, DALLAS.

YOU KNOW, I'VE SEEN THIS PARTICULAR
DESIGN BEFORE IN CINCINNATI.

ME, TOO.

- WHICH I AM MAD ABOUT.
- ME, TOO.

BUT, I HAVE NEVER BEFORE
SEEN IT IN THIS PARTICULAR COLOR.

ME NEITHER.

WHY DON'T WE TOAST
THIS PARTICULAR COLOR?

- OH, ALRIGHTY.
- MM-HMM.

TO PALE GRAY.

PALE GRAY, IT IS.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE PALE GRAY?

YEAH..

UH, JENNIFER, NOT TO
CHANGE THE SUBJECT,

BUT... WERE YOU EXPECTING
MR. CARLSON'S MOTHER

TO COME BY THE STATION TODAY?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

DID SHE EVER JUST
DROP BY UNANNOUNCED?

NEVER.

GOOD.

WELL, I GUESS I... SHOULD
GIVE YOU YOUR SHOE BACK.

NO, YOU KEEP IT AS A SOUVENIR.

AS A SOUVENIR? I LOVE IT!

- YOU KNOW WHAT?
- NO, WHAT?

I FEEL SO WARM.

AW, ME, TOO, JENNIFER,
ME, TOO, YOU KNOW.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M STARTING TO SWEAT.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI... ♪

- I USUALLY DON'T DRINK.
- WHY?

NEITHER DO I, AT LEAST
NOT AT 8 IN THE MORNING.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE HERE FOR
A VERY IMPORTANT REASON.

YES, I AM.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE?

AND... I'LL WALK THIS WAY.

ARTHUR TELLS ME HE'S AT
HIS DESK EVERY MORNING AT 7.

HA!

WHAT A LAUGH. HE'S
HERE EVERYDAY AT 6.

- HE COMES IN AT 6?
- USUALLY 6.

BUT TODAY, HE'S
JUST A LITTLE LATE.

OH... OOH.

YOU KNOW I THINK I MIGHT JUST
HAVE A TOUCH OF THIS BRANDY.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO
COLD IN MY LIFE... OOH.

- PLEASE DO.
- THANK YOU.

UGH, GOOD LORD.

WHERE DOES, WHERE
DOES FEVER GET THIS STUFF?

I THINK AT A HARDWARE STORE.

I REALLY GAVE HIM A
GOOD SCARE, DIDN'T I?

JOHNNY? WELL,
MAYBE JUST A LITTLE.

NICE TO KNOW I
HAVEN'T LOST MY TOUCH.

OH, NO, MRS. CARLSON,
YOU COULD NEVER DO THAT.

I DON'T SCARE YOU, THOUGH, DO I?

- WHAT A LOVELY COAT!
- THANK YOU.

JUST A LITTLE TO
SOMETHING I THREW ON.

SAME HERE.

JENNIFER, JUST HOW MUCH IS
MY SON REALLY PAYING YOU?

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED,
NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.

TELL ME, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING
THAT GOES ON AROUND HERE, DON'T YOU?

MM-HMM.

- WHO'S HARD WORKING?
- YES.

- WHO'S AMBITIOUS?
- YES.

WHO'S FOOLING AROUND WITH WHOM?

THAT, TOO.

WELL, WHO IS FOOLING
AROUND WITH WHOM?

- NO ONE.
- NO ONE?

HUH, UH-OH!

HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY HUSBAND,
HANK WAS RUNNING THIS STATION,

IT WAS LIKE A SOAP
OPERA UP HERE.

HAS MY SON TOLD YOU VERY
MUCH ABOUT MY LATE HUSBAND?

WHAT WAS HE LIKE?

LET'S ORDER TWO MORE BRANDIES.

OOH, ALRIGHTY.

JOHNNY...

MRS. CARLSON WOULD LIKE TO
SEE YOU IN MR. CARLSON'S OFFICE.

BUT YOU MUST COME.
AND BRING THE BOTTLE.

BRING THE BOTTLE.

- YOUR HUSBAND...
- OH! YES, HANK...

HE WAS A HULK OF A MAN.

AND YET HE HAD THIS, THIS
YOUTHFUL SOMETHING ABOUT HIM.

THIS, THIS HUCK FINN
SORT OF QUALITY.

COME IN.

- HI, HOW'S IT GOING?
- FINE.

WELL, I GUESS THIS IS
TO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

I MEAN, TWO MAGNIFICENT LADIES,

UH, JUST SITTING HERE,
UH, SIPPING BRANDY, UH,

DISCUSSING GOD KNOWS WHAT.

I TELL YOU IT'S REALLY A HIGH
VOLTAGE TURN ON FOR ME.

BASICALLY, I THINK EVERYBODY I KNOW
WOULD PROBABLY GIVE THEIR I-T TO BE HERE.

FOR THAT REASON, I'LL BE VERY QUIET
AND I'LL JUST SIT DOWN OVER HERE.

THIS IS A PRIVATE
CONVERSATION, FEVER.

Fever: REALLY?

PUT THE BOTTLE
BACK ON THE TABLE.

WELL, I-I GUESS SINCE
YOU'RE DRINKING,

IT'S ALRIGHT IF I DRINK.

I DON'T WORK HERE.

AH, THAT'S A GOOD
POINT! GOOD POINT!

AND WHAT-WHAT-WHAT A
SHAME THAT YOU DON'T, MA'AM,

UH, MANY IS THE
TIME I'VE SAID THAT.

BELIEVE ME, I-I WISH YOU
WERE AROUND, YOU KNOW.

UH, AND I MEAN
THAT SINCERELY I DO.

TRULY MA'AM. MS... UH... MR...

- WHY IS IT SO COLD?
- GOOD MORNING, TRAVIS.

HEAT, THERE'S NO HEAT!

NO, IT'S INDEED, NO HEAT.

IT'S BECAUSE MR. CARLSON'S
MOTHER IS HERE.

SHE WALKS IN,
EVERYTHING FREEZES.

SHE IS THE ICE QUEEN!

AND SHE HAS POWERS
BEYOND ANY MORTAL WOMAN!

ARE YOU DRINKING?

AT THIS HOUR OF THE
MORNING? ARE YOU INSANE?

BUT, IF I HAD BEEN DRINKING,

AND THE ICE QUEEN SAW ME,

WOULD I BE FIRED?

YEAH, I GUESS YOU
WOULD, YOU KNOW.

THEN WE MUST PREPARE MY DEFENSE.

LET'S GO INTO THE BOOTH, I'VE
GOT A SMALL BONFIRE GOING.

- IT'S WARM.
- YEAH.

- I SHOULD TALK TO MRS. CARLSON...
- NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU MUST HEAR THE TRUE
FACTS FROM THESE LIPS FIRST.

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

- WHERE'S JENNIFER?
- AH! TRAVIS, IT'S ALL SO
TERRIBLE.

THIS IS ALL THAT'S LEFT OF HER.

I WAS ON THE BROADWAY STAGE.

DOES THAT SURPRISE YOU?

A LITTLE!

WHAT YEAR WAS THAT?

I STARTED IN THE
CHORUS, BUT I HAD TALENT.

AND BEFORE LONG
THE POTTS GOT BETTER.

THAT'S HOW I MET HANK.

HE SAW ME IN A PLAY AND HE
CAME BACKSTAGE AFTER THE SHOW.

HE CONGRATULATED ME OF
MY MAGNIFICENT PERFORMANCE

AND I CONGRATULATED HIM ON
HIS MAGNIFICENT SHOULDERS.

CUTE, SOUNDS LIKE
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

NO, HE HAD RUN
OUT OF THE THEATER,

AND BOUGHT ME A BOUQUET OF LOVELY
LITTLE VIOLETS FROM SOME STREET VENDOR.

THE MAN WAS SO CORNY AND
SO COMPLETELY MID-WESTERN.

WE WERE MARRIED IN SIX MONTHS.

AND HE FISHED.

OH, GOD, DID HE?

YOU KNOW, HANK LOVED
HAVING A GOOD TIME.

TOO MUCH SO I THINK.

SOMETIMES, HE
NEGLECTED THE BUSINESS.

SO, LITTLE BY LITTLE,
I GOT INVOLVED.

AND I WAS GOOD AT IT.

WELL... AFTER A WHILE, I WAS
RUNNING THE WHOLE THING.

I JUST TOOK OVER.

THAT HURT HANK.

OH, BUT I WAS TOO
BUSY TO NOTICE.

HE FELT UNNECESSARY.

AND IN THE END, I GUESS
THAT'S WHAT REALLY...

SO, I GUESS I BETTER GET
BACK TO MY LITTLE DESK.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE
WORRY WHEN I'M NOT THERE.

BETTER LEAVE THAT HERE.

WOULDN'T LOOK GOOD TO
HAVE IT SITTING IN THE LOBBY.

OH.

AH, YES.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL
JUST BUZZ THE BOOTH

AND TELL MR. FEVER
HE'S STILL GOT A JOB.

OH! THAT'S NICE.

BUT DO YOU THINK YOU
OUGHT TO DO IT RIGHT AWAY?

HI GORGEOUS. ANY MESSAGES?

OKAY, FINE.

- HERBY!
- WHAT?

TAKE OFF YOUR
COAT AND LET ME SEE

IF YOUR BELT MATCHES YOUR SHOES?

HMM, OKIE-DOKIE.

HI, HELLO, WKRP.

NO, I'M SORRY.

LES NESSMAN IS NOT IN.

WE DON'T KNOW
WHEN HE WILL BE IN.

HE IS A VERY STRANGE MAN.

OH! THIS IS LES!

HI LES. THIS IS JENNIFER.

THE MESSAGE IS YOU
WILL BE LATE TODAY.

UH-HUH! NO, OF COURSE,
I'M WRITING THIS DOWN.

AND YOU WILL BE AT THIS NUMBER.

OKAY, FINE, FINE,
FINE, FINE, FINE.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING
WKRP IN CINCINNATI.

OH, HIYA, JENNIFER.

UH, LISTEN JOHNNY
TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED.

ANDY! LET'S SEE THE
BOY, GIVE US A SPIN.

- WHAT?
- SPIN.

I UNDERSTAND THAT MRS.
CARLSON IS HERE, RIGHT?

- UH-HUH.
- WHY IS SHE HERE?

SHE SAID IT WAS FOR
A VERY GOOD REASON.

- WHAT?
- DUNNO.

WELL DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'LL TALK WITH HER.
I'LL STRAIGHTEN IT OUT.

ANDY, IS THAT MY SHOE?

OH, YEAH.

I SAY YOU'RE A
REPROBATE AND A BUM.

WE'LL TALK MORE LATER.

COME IN.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. CARLSON.

AH, MR. TRAVIS, COME IN.

I'M SO SORRY IT'S SO COLD
IN THE OFFICE THIS MORNING.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

THANK YOU, I WILL.

AND I APOLOGIZE
FOR JOHNNY FEVER.

OH, SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU, I BELIEVE I WILL.

AND NOT OVER THERE.

OVER HERE.

SO YOU'RE A COWBOY.

- HI.
- HEY.

WELL...

WELL, WHAT?

YOU CALLED ME. YOU WOKE ME UP.

OH, RIGHT.

YOU TOLD ME TO RUSH DOWN
HERE, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

YEAH, I AM.

I'M TELLING YA, CARLSON'S
MOTHER KEEPS CALLING ME

A VAGUE THREAT,
THAT KIND OF STUFF.

WHAT?

UGH! SHE CAUGHT
ME DRINKING, MAN.

HERE, ON THE AIR.

- OH, MAN!
- YEAH.

TRAVIS CAN'T
STRAIGHTEN THIS ONE OUT.

I MEAN, I AM SCREWED.

I AM WASTED AND
WIPED OFF FOR EVER.

NOT JUST HERE, WHEREVER I GO.

WELL, WHAT IS IT I
CAN DO FOR YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO
HOME AND GET SOME SLEEP,

YOU LOOK WRECKED.

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO
SPEAK FOR THE WHOLE STATION.

NO, I WANT HEAT
AND I WANT IT NOW!

IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT
BECAUSE OF THE COLD,

OUR GENERAL SALES MANAGER,
HERBERT R. TARLEK JUNIOR,

HAS LOST ALL FEELING IN
HIS LOWER EXTREMITIES.

SO, LET'S GET ON THE STICK DOWN
THERE, THANK YOU AND GOODBYE!

OH, HELLO, VENUS, COFFEE?

OH, ONE, AND MAKE IT HOT, OH.

- HEY, ANDY.
- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

CARLSON'S MOTHER'S
IN HIS OFFICE.

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S VERY STRANGE!

I THINK THAT SHE'S DRUNK!
IF YOU COULD BELIEVE THAT.

I THINK JENNIFER HAS BEEN
DRINKIN' A LITTLE BIT, TOO.

- SHE HAS?
- YEAH, I THINK SO.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS
JUST MAKIN' FUN OF ME.

- EXCUSE ME.
- WHERE YOU GOIN'?

IF JENNIFER'S DRUNK, I
GOTTA TAKE MY SHOT.

LISTEN HERB, YOU FOOL
AROUND WITH JENNIFER TODAY

AND YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.

YOU MEAN KILLED OR MERELY FIRED?

- A DEAD MAN.
- OH. WELL. HELL.

THERE'S ANOTHER THING.

I JUST HAD THIS VERY STRANGE
CONVERSATION WITH MRS. CARLSON,

IN WHICH... AND I'M NOT KIDDING

SHE PUT HER HAND ON MY KNEE.

MY RIGHT KNEE! NOW
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?

GEE ANDY, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY!

SHE KEPT CALLIN' ME COWBOY!

- COWBOY?
- OH, ANDY, IT SOUNDS SERIOUS!

WHAT'S SERIOUS?

MR. CARLSON'S MOTHER
TOUCHED ANDY'S PERSON!

WHERE?

WHAT WE CALL THE KNEE.

WHY?

BECAUSE LES,
SHE'S BEEN DRINKING,

AND I GUESS ANDY
TRIED TO MAKE A MOVE!

WHAT?

WELL, MAYBE SHE WAS JUST
TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY AND...

OH! THIS IS DISGUSTING.

IT'S NOT DISGUSTING,
IT'S FAR FROM IT.

SHE WAS JUST...

SHE WAS... YOU KNOW, SHE WAS...

OH, I'VE LOST A GREAT DEAL
OF RESPECT FOR YOU BOTH.

IT WAS NOTHING!

BESIDES, THIS IS
WHITE FOLKS BUSINESS.

WAIT A MINUTE, SHE WAS
JUST TRYING TO BE CORDIAL.

FOR A CHANGE.

I JUST CANNOT LISTEN
TO ANYMORE OF THIS.

WAIT, WAIT UH, WAIT.

SHE WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE NICE, THAT'S ALL.

ACTUALLY, RIGHT NOW IT'D
BE A GOOD TIME TO HIT HER UP

FOR SOME STATION IMPROVEMENTS.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS ALL SO UNFAIR.

I CAN'T GO SEE JENNIFER,

BUT YOU CAN GET IT ON
WITH MR. CARLSON'S MOTHER.

LES... LES, YOU HOLD ME
BACK BEFORE I KILL HIM.

COME IN.

MR. NESSMAN, WHAT'S NEW?

MRS. CARLSON, DO YOU
KNOW THAT I HAVE NO WALLS?

EXCUSE ME?

NO WALLS. MY OFFICE
DOESN'T HAVE ANY WALLS.

OH, WELL, SIT DOWN
AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.

OH, THANK YOU.

HI, HERB.

MOTHER CARLSON, HOW NICE TO
SEE YOU, WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE!

- DOWN, BOY.
- YES, MA'AM.

SEE, MRS. CARLSON, NO WALLS.

I PUT THE TAPE WHERE
WALLS SHOULD BE.

- REALLY?
- YES.

TO ME, THESE ARE WALLS!

WHY LES, THAT'S
POSITIVELY INSANE!

I ADORE IT!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WELL, A PERSON WHO THINKS HE HAS
WALLS IS INFINITELY MORE INTERESTING

THAN ONE WHO DOES.

I MEAN, WHY BE COOPED UP WITH
WALLS WHEN YOU COULD HAVE TAPE?

IT'S INGENIOUS!

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY,

AND I WANT SOME MUSIC.

I'LL DO IT, LEMME
DO IT, LEMME DO IT.

LEMME DO IT.

MUSIC.

TURN THAT OFF!

YES MA'AM!

THAT'S NOT MUSIC.

- NO, MA'AM.
- SIT DOWN.

YES, MA'AM.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. MUST HAVE GONE
CRAZY THERE FOR A SECOND.

HELLO MRS. CARLSON.

AH, BAILEY, DO YOU
LIKE GERSHWIN?

OH, VERY MUCH.

AS OWNER OF THIS STATION,
I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR IT.

I AM MAKING A REQUEST.

UH, WELL, UH, I-I
AM, I AM SORRY,

BUT ANDY DOESN'T ALLOW REQUESTS

AND... EVEN IF HE DID, I DOUBT
IF JOHNNY FEVER WOULD PLAY IT.

FEVER IS A BUM AND A REPROBATE.

I KNOW.

WHERE'S HE?

- IN THE BOOTH.
- THANK YOU.

GOOD LUCK.

SAME TO YOU, HERB.

HI. LOOK, I'M NOT DRINKING.

GERSHWIN. GERSHWIN,
DO YOU KNOW OF HIM?

- YEAH.
- PLAY HIM.

ON THE AIR?

WEREN'T YOU
DRINKING THIS MORNING?

WANT ME TO FORGET ABOUT IT?

DO YOU KNOW HOW BUSINESS
DEALS ARE STRUCK IN THIS COUNTRY?

WILL YOU PLAY GERSHWIN FOR ME.

HAVE YOU ENJOYED
WORKING IN THIS HEMISPHERE?

Fever on Radio: THIS WKRP WHERE
THE DOCTOR DARES TO BE DIFFERENT.

WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'?

SAVING MY BUTT THE AMERICAN WAY.

♪ I'M A LITTLE LAMB
WHO'S LOST IN THE WOOD ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT I COULD
ALWAYS BE GOOD ♪

♪ TO ONE WHO WATCH ♪

♪ OVER ME ♪

♪ ALTHOUGH HE MAY NOT ♪

♪ BE THE MAN ♪

♪ SOME GIRLS THINK
OF AS HANDSOME ♪

♪ TO MY HEART, HE
CARRIES THE KEY ♪

♪ WON'T YOU TELL HIM PLEASE
TO PUT ON SOME SPEED ♪

♪ FOLLOW MY LEAD ♪

♪ OH, HOW I NEED ♪

♪ SOMEONE TO WATCH ♪

MRS. CARLSON, WOULD YOU
LIKE A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN?

NO, THANK YOU, JENNIFER.
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

ALRIGHTY.

- MORNING, MR. CARLSON.
- GOOD MORNING.

- MAMA!
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I STOPPED BY TO PICK YOU
UP, YOU WEREN'T THERE.

- WELL, OBVIOUSLY!
- YOU WERE HERE.

YES, I WAS HERE MAKING A
COMPLETE FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.

YOU?

I HAVEN'T ACTED
THIS WAY IN YEARS.

WELL, I WOULDN'T
WORRY ABOUT IT, MAMA.

YOU SEE, UP HERE, EVERYBODY
MAKES A FOOL OF THEMSELVES.

AND IT'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I'VE DRIVEN TO
EVERY FLORIST IN THIS TOWN.

CAN'T FIND VIOLETS.

DOES IT HAVE TO BE VIOLETS?

WELL, THIS YEAR WE
JUST WON'T TAKE ANY.

YOU DON'T LIKE
DOING THIS, DO YOU?

I DON'T LIKE CEMETERIES, NO.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

YOU DON'T FORGET A
MAN LIKE YOUR FATHER.

YES MA'AM.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
USUALLY IN BY 6.

SIX WHAT?