WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 7 - Bah, Humbug - full transcript

YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER
MY GRANDMOTHER

MAKING THESE VERY SAME COOKIES.

I DON'T REMEMBER
THEM TASTING THIS BAD.

LOOK, LES...

IT'S CHRISTMAS, YOU
GOTTA HAVE HAM,

THAT'S WHAT PIGS ARE FOR.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
CARLSON'S GONNA DO?

HE'S GONNA DO THE FAIR THING.

- OHO!
- WELL.

- BROWNIE?
- THANKS. WHO MADE THESE?

- I DID.
- MAYBE LATER.



IT'S MY LITTLE CONTRIBUTION
TO THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

SPEAKING OF CONTRIBUTIONS,
WHAT DID YOU HEAR FROM CARLSON?

NOT A WORD.

Herb: AH, HERE'S THE MAN TO ASK.

HOW ABOUT IT, TRAVIS?

IS CARLSON GONNA
STIFF US AGAIN THIS YEAR?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE GAVE US EACH $25 LAST YEAR.

I KNOW.

PEOPLE IN PRISON GET
BIGGER BONUSES THAN THAT.

- I KNOW.
- THEY DO?

- WHO MADE THESE?
- JOHNNY.

LISTEN, TRAVIS,

I GOT A TINY LITTLE GREY-HEAD
GRANDMOTHER AT HOME



WHO'S STILL WATCHING
A BLACK & WHITE TV SET.

NOW BEFORE SHE DIES,

I WANT HER TO SEE "EIGHT
IS ENOUGH" IN COLOR.

I MEAN THAT'S A DREAM OF MINE,

AND THAT'S WHY I NEED
THAT BONUS MONEY.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
L-L-L-LET'S GET TO ME NOW.

I MEAN MY POOR LITTLE DAUGHTER

HAS SUCKED HER
THUMBS SINCE INFANCY.

SHE NEEDS BRACES, TRAVIS.

HER TEETH ARE
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I MEAN SHE... SHE'S
GOT ONE OVER HERE,

AND THEN SHE'S
GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.

I-I JUST WANT TO
FIX THOSE TEETH.

- THAT'S WHAT MY BONUS IS FOR.
- VERY COMMENDABLE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO BE THE
BEST DARN FATHER I CAN BE.

OH, COME ON, BAILEY,
HOW ABOUT YOU?

WELL, I THINK GRANNIES AND
DAUGHTERS ARE VERY TOUCHING.

BUT FRANKLY,

I'M IN IT FOR THE BRIDGE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

VERY SIMPLE TRUTH...
- HI LES.
- HI ANDY.

THAT FOR THE LAST HALF DECADE,
MR. CARLSON, HAS PROMISED US

THAT WHEN THIS STATION
REACHED FISCAL SOUNDNESS,

WE, THE EMPLOYEES,

WOULD SHARE IN THAT
FINANCIAL GOOD FORTUNE.

WELL, MY FINE-FEATHERED
FRIEND, THAT TIME IS NOW UPON US.

THE CHICKENS HAVE
COME HOME TO ROOST.

PUSH HAS COME TO SHOVE.

THE HOGS HAVE ALL
GONE TO MARKET.

THE COWS ARE OUT TO PASTURE.

THE-THE, UH... THE,
UH... LOOK, EVERYBODY,

I'M ON YOUR SIDE IN THIS,
BUT IT'S CARLSON'S DECISION.

NOW, WHILE HE'S A VERY
FINE UPSTANDING MAN

WITH MANY ENDEARING QUALITIES,
I DO NOT THINK WE CAN FORGET

THAT HE HAS GENGHIS
KHAN FOR A MOTHER.

WHO HAS GENGHIS
KHAN FOR A MOTHER?

All: I DO.

- MUST BE EPIDEMIC.
- YES, SIR, IT IS.

WHY AREN'T YOU
ON THE AIR, FEVER?

I'M IN THE MORNING MAN,
AND IT'S 5 IN THE AFTERNOON.

UGH, JUST BECAUSE IT'S
CHRISTMAS DOESN'T MEAN

WE DROP THE BALL.

THIS IS A BUSINESS HERE.

LAST YEAR YOU
SAID IT WAS A FAMILY.

YES, WELL, YOU COULD SAY
IT-IT'S A FAMILY BUSINESS.

HARD NOSE DECISIONS HAVE
TO BE MADE YEAR AROUND.

I'M NOT HERE TO WIN A
POPULARITY CONTEST, HUH,

CAN'T DO THAT AND
RUN A RADIO STATION

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU KNOW.

OOOF! CAN I HAVE ONE OF THESE?

YEAH, GET 'EM ALL.

AND WE JUST NEED TO BEAR IN MIND

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THIS
YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PARTY

THE BEST CHRISTMAS PARTY
THAT WKRP HAS EVER HAD,

BEING EVER MINDFUL THAT THESE
ARE HARD AND FRUGAL TIMES.

ANY MORE QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE BONUSES?

WITHOUT BRACES, WHO'S
GONNA MARRY MY DAUGHTER?

I WILL, HERB.

COME ON. UH, HELLO.
OH, HI, JENNIFER.

NO, NO, I CAN'T SPEAK
TO ANYBODY RIGHT NOW.

WELL, HAVE HIM
CALL ME NEXT YEAR.

UH, FEBRUARY IS GOOD
FOR ME. THANK YOU.

OKAY.

"NOW I KNOW THAT YOU
ALL FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD BE

"GETTING A MORE SUBSTANTIAL
BONUS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS
WE JUST SIMPLY CAN'T AFFORD IT.

"WE'VE MADE IMPROVEMENTS,

BUT WE STILL MUST
CONTINUE TO REINVEST."

AHA, I LIKE THAT.

"TO REINVEST THE PROFITS..."
UH-OH, UH-OH, UH-OH.

"SLIGHT PROFITS...

"YOU KNOW, I'M REMINDED
OF A VERY INTERESTING STORY

"THAT BARRY BUCKMAN ONCE
TOLD OF THE QUAIL EGGS FEEDING.

"IT SEEMS THAT BARRY'S BANK"...,

OH, MY... IN HIS BANK,

IT'S... BY THE WAY, HE
WAS A MEMBER OF THE FDIC.

HIS BANK.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN AND
UP AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI... ♪

I AM SORRY. HE IS VERY BUSY.

COULD YOU CALL US
BACK IN FEBRUARY?

THIS IS YOUR
GRANDFATHER, ARTHUR BOY.

BACK FROM THE COLD, DARK GRAVE.

B-B-BUT YOU'RE DEAD.

I JUST SAID "BACK FROM
THE COLD, DARK GRAVE."

TRY TO PAY ATTENTION, OKAY?

I'M SORRY.

- I'VE COME HERE...
- WAIT A MINUTE!

TH-TH-THIS ISN'T GONNA
BE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE

CHARLES DICKENS "CHRISTMAS
CAROL" THINGS, IS IT?

- UH-HUH.
- OH, BOY.

WHAT?

I SAID, "OH, BOY."

OH, I'VE COME HERE TO
TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR
WAYS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOO LATE?

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY WAYS?

I WARNED YOU ARTHUR,

BECAUSE I MADE
PROFIT MY LIFE'S WORK

I HAVE BEEN CONDEMNED TO
WALK THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.

AND WITNESS THE HAPPINESS
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

YOU SEE THESE CHAINS?
THESE ARE HEAVY SUCKERS.

BUT THEY'RE NOT REALLY AS
HEAVY AS IT'S GONNA BE FOR YOU

LIKE IN THAT CONTROL
BOARD AROUND.

HOW'D YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

THAT'S WHAT YOU GONNA DO
WITH THAT BONUS MONEY, ISN'T IT?

BUY A CONTROL BOARD
FOR THE DJ BOOTH.

LOOK, UH, WE, SEE,
THIS IS YOUR BENEFIT

YOU KNOW, THAT'S FOR
THE BENEFIT OF EVERYBODY.

OH! WHO'S KIDDIN' WHO?

YOU'RE BUYING THAT CONTROL
BOARD TO SHOW YOUR MOTHER

WHAT A SUCCESSFUL MAN YOU ARE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

ARTHUR, I'M A GHOST. I KNOW.

AND IT'S SURE NICE TO SEE
YOU AGAIN GRANDFATHER.

BUT THERE ARE NO GHOSTS.

DA, UH, I-I'M DREAMING,
AND-AND I'M GONNA WAKE UP NOW.

UH, BYE. UH, S-S-SO LONG
AND-AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

BUSTER, BEFORE YOU WAKE UP,

YOU'RE GONNA BE
HAUNTED BY THREE GHOSTS.

GOT IT. O-O-ONE, TWO,
THREE. THREE-THREE GHOSTS.

HEAR THEIR WORDS,
MIGHT BE GOOD FOR YOU.

I GOTTA RUN. ANY QUESTIONS?

YEAH. I-I CAN'T WAKE UP.

I KNOW.

W-W-WELL, SCROOGE COULD WAKE UP.

HE DIDN'T EAT ONE OF
JOHNNY'S BROWNIES.

J-J-J-JENNIFER!

JENNIFER, I...

NEVER MIND.

ARE WE READY TO GO?

GO WHERE?

I AM THE GHOST
OF CHRISTMAS PAST.

AW, COME ON, JENNIFER
KNOCK THAT STUFF...

I'M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST.

OKAY, OKAY, DON'T HAVE
TO GET HUFFY ABOUT IT.

NOW WE MUST GO BACK.
BACK INTO THE PAST.

INTO A CHRISTMAS OF THE PAST.

- AW, GEE, I DON'T KNOW. I...
- COME WITH ME.

WAKE UP, ARTHUR.

♪ SOMEONE WHO KISSED
ME AND HELD ME CLOSELY ♪

- WHAT YEAR IS THIS?
- IT'S DECEMBER 24, 1954.

TH-THAT'S ME. I USED TO
HAVE HERB TARLEK'S JOB.

- I WAS SALES DIRECTOR.
- I KNOW.

THERE'S OLD DON BASSETT.

MEANEST NEWS
MAN THAT EVER LIVED.

COME ON, BOYS, IT'S TIME
TO EXCHANGE OUR PRESENTS.

MR. ARMOR IS ON HIS WAY.

IT'S MRS. BUTTERWORTH,
THE RECEPTIONIST.

WOW! THIS BRINGS BACK MEMORIES.

HELLO. ARTHUR CARLSON
HERE, SALES MANAGER.

OH, HI, MR. FENNY.

REALLY!

HEY, THAT'S GREAT.

NO, I'LL BE OVER RIGHT
AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.

YEAH, TH-TH-THANKS A LOT.
AND-AND-AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THANK YOU EVERYBODY.

I'VE GOT THE FENNY
VOLKSWAGEN ACCOUNT.

OH, ARTHUR! GIVE ME A BIG HUG.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

I WAS QUITE A
SALESMAN, WEREN'T I?

NOBODY'S GONNA BUY THOSE CARS.

THEY'RE TOO SMALL
AND THEY'RE TOO UGLY.

IT'S A FAD, JUST LIKE TV.

DON'T YOU GIVE
THIS SOME TIME DEAR.

YOUR MOTHER'S GONNA BE SO PROUD.

ALWAYS TRYING TO PLEASE MOM.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. ARMOR.
- YES.

OH, SEE, MR. ARMOR,

UH, I GOT THE FENNY
VOLKSWAGEN ACCOUNT.

OH! THAT'S GREAT, ARTHUR. YOUR
MOTHER WOULD BE VERY PROUD.

BUT WE MUSTN'T TALK ABOUT
SALES NOW. IT'S CHRISTMAS.

AND WHY WON'T THOSE
ANNOUNCERS PLAY CHRISTMAS MUSIC?

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS
HAVE TO BE THIS STUFF?

ROCK 'N ROLL.

MR. ARMOR WAS A GREAT GUY.

WORKED IN RADIO ALL OF HIS LIFE.

NOW, MRS. BUTTERWORTH,

I... BELIEVE I'VE ALREADY
GIVEN YOU YOUR PRESENT.

A BLACK NIGHT GOWN.

AND DON, THIS IS YOURS.

AND IF IT LOOKS
LIKE A BOX OF CIGARS.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.
- CIGARS?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

ARTHUR... ARTHUR
THIS IS FOR YOU.

- GEE! SO BIG!
- OPEN IT UP, ARTIE.

JUST WAIT, I WILL.

HEY, YOU'VE REALLY
WRAPPED THIS UP.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A FLAMINGO!

YES. IT'S FOR YOUR YARD.
IT'S THE NEWEST THING.

THEY'RE ALL THE
RAGE DOWN IN FLORIDA.

OH, GEE, THANKS.

- MR. ARMOR...
- MY PLEASURE, SON. MY PLEASURE.

GET A LOAD OF THIS.

HEY, MR. BASSET,

WE OUGHT TO GET THIS
ON THE AIR RIGHT AWAY.

MORE MCCARTHY STUFF?

OH, NO! THIS IS
REALLY IMPORTANT.

PRESIDENT IKE PLAYED
GOLF IN PHILADELPHIA.

HE SHOT AN 84.

WE'LL GET 'EM RIGHT ON
OUR LIST. FRONT PAGE NEWS.

OOH!

- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- WHAT-WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT'S A TIE, LES, BUT
A VERY IMPORTANT TIE.

YOU'RE NO LONGER
JUST AN OFFICE BOY.

DON AND I HAVE
DECIDED TO MAKE YOU

A REAL FULL-BLOWN
COVER REPORTER.

FULL-BLOWN!

OH! MR. ARMOR,

I PROMISE YOU'LL NEVER
SEE ME WITHOUT A TIE AGAIN.

- THANK YOU!
- AND NOW FOLKS,

IT'S TIME FOR THE
CHRISTMAS BONUSES.

I'M SURE ARTHUR'S MOTHER'S
NOT GONNA LIKE THIS VERY MUCH,

BUT DON AND I RUN
THIS RADIO STATION.

AND YOU PEOPLE
HAVE GOT IT COMING.

WE ARE A GREAT TEAM
IF THERE EVER WAS ONE.

HE-HE-UH, THERE'S YOURS, ARTHUR.

AW, THANK YOU.

- AND THEN, DON.
- THANKS, ARMOR.

UH, AND THERE YOU
GO. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MRS. BUTTERWORTH...

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT, DON'T YOU, MR. CARLSON?

HE-HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.

UH, HE DID IT WITHOUT
MOTHER'S APPROVAL.

SO SHE FIRED HIM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
OTHER CHOICE SHE HAD.

COME ON AND HAVE A DRINK BOYS!

- COME ON.
- HERE WE GO.

MR. ARMOR WAS A WONDERFUL MAN.

THERE YOU ARE, MY DEAR.

- TIME TO GO.
- OH, PLEASE, NO!

J-J-JUST ONE CUP OF EGGNOG.

THIS IS THE SPECIALTY
OF THE HOUSE.

- IT'S TIME TO GO.
- OH.

GOODBYE EVERYBODY!

M-MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

OH, HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

- MOSTLY LUCK.
- OH!

HAVE YOU LEARNED
ANYTHING FROM THE PAST?

LOOK, IF THIS WAS A
SUCCESSFUL STATION,

THERE'D BE NO QUESTION
ABOUT BONUSES.

OF COURSE, I'D GIVE...
UH, DON'T FADE ON ME.

LOOK, WE'RE JUST
BEGINNING TO SEE

THE LIGHT AT THE
END OF THE TUNNEL.

I MEAN WE'RE JUST NOT GETTING
OUR HEADS ABOVE WATER.

JUST STARTED TO
OPERATE IN THE BLACK.

AND, UH, WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

D-D-DON'T GO.

UH, UH-OH.

GONE. I'M ALONE.

AND A BAD LIGHTING AGAIN.

HEY, C, COME ON IN MAN.

COME CLOSER, MY BOY.

YOU MUST BE THE GHOST
OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

SAY WHAT?

I SAID YOU MUST BE THE
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

THAT'S RIGHT.

CAN YOU TURN DOWN THIS MUSIC?

SURE.

DAMN, THAT'S FUN.

WHAT IS IT? CAN I DO THAT?

I'M SORRY, YOU SEE,
YOU GOTTA BE A GHOST.

YOU'RE JUST SOME
GUY HAVING A DREAM.

CAN YOU TURN UP THESE LIGHTS?

SURE.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, AC?

WELL, ACTUALLY YOU'RE
GONNA TAKE ME SOMEWHERE.

DON'T HAVE TO. WE
CAN DO IT RIGHT HERE.

HOLD THAT.

GIVE ME THAT.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

UH-OH!

SOMEHOW I FEEL YOU'RE
NEW AT THIS STUFF.

WORSHIP... I MUST BE
AWAKE, THERE'S HERB.

OKAY, I'LL TALK TO HIM.

I AM HIS NUMBER
ONE YES MAN LACKEY.

AND WHAT DO I GET FOR IT?

NOTHING! ZIPPO! UNO ZERO!

I KNOCKED MYSELF OUT
AND WORKED TWICE AS...

THREE TIMES AS HARD AS ANY MAN

AND THIS IS THE THINGS I GET.

THESE ARE YOUR
EMPLOYEES, MR. CARLSON.

WE'RE GREAT TEAM IF
THERE EVER WAS ONE.

OH, LUCILE, GUESS WHAT BABE?

WE'RE NOT GETTING
BONUSES AGAIN THIS YEAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

WE'RE A FAMILY BUSINESS, HUH?

WHERE HARDNOSED DECISIONS
HAVE TO BE MADE, RIGHT AC?

I-I DON'T KNOW, HONEY, I...

I GUESS WHEN SHE GROWS UP,

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO
PUT HER IN A CONVENT.

OH, DON'T DO THAT.

HE WAS GONNA GET HIS DAUGHTER
BRACES WITH HIS BONUS MONEY.

- BAILEY...
- MMM.

ONE OF US IS GONNA HAVE
TO WORK CHRISTMAS DAY.

OH, I'LL DO IT.

NO, I'LL DO IT.

NO! WE'LL FLIP A COIN.

- OKAY.
- IT'LL BE TAILS.

- HEADS.
- CALL IT LES.

Flytrap: IT'S TAILS.

- TAILS.
- IT'S HEADS.

SHE IS LYING.

OKAY, I'LL WORK.

BUT YOU WON.

NO, I WANT TO WORK.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

BESIDES I CAN'T FLY HOME,
I CAN'T AFFORD IT NOW.

USE A CREDIT CARD, I DO.

I DON'T WANT TO ASK
MY PARENTS, YOU KNOW.

OKAY.

BABY, DID YOU TRY
TO STEAL MY QUARTER?

YES, I DID.

ANDY, I JUST TRIED TO
STEAL A QUARTER FROM LES.

WHY?

WHY CAN'T YOU TALK TO
CARLSON ABOUT THE BONUSES?

WELL, LES, I-I JUST DID.

- AND WHAT DID HE SAY?
- UH, HE'S TAKING A NAP.

I DON'T SEE HOW HE CAN SLEEP?

IT'S THE BROWNIES.

ANDY, I GOT TO TELL
YOU SOMETHING.

I'VE HAD THREE JOB OFFERS
THIS YEAR. ONE FOR MONEY.

I JUST HAVE GOT TO START
THINKING ABOUT MYSELF.

ME TOO!

I MEAN RADIO IS MY
LIFE, BUT I SWEAR,

WHOLESALE APPLIANCES
IS WHERE THE MONEY IS.

YOU KNOW, ANDY, IF PEOPLE
COULD JUST FEEL SOMEHOW

AS IF THEY WERE SHARING
IN THIS STATION'S PROGRESS.

I KNOW, LES.

SOME THINGS ARE MORE
IMPORTANT THAN MONEY.

OH, I KNOW THAT.

MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY...

OH, LOOK, EVERYBODY.

YOU TELL 'EM, ANDY.

CARLSON IS... CARLSON
IS, WHAT? GO ON.

- WELL, HE'S...
- GO ON!

- CHEAP.
- RIGHT, OH! WHAT?

BECAUSE HIS GAME
PLAN IS A TIGHT ONE,

WHAT ELSE CAN I TELL YOU?

I DON'T WANT TO SEE
ANYMORE OF THIS.

CAN I GO BACK TO MY OFFICE?

WHATEVER YOU SAY, AC.

TH-THAT'S IT FOR ME.

I-I DON'T WANNA SEE ANYMORE.

TO HECK WITH THE CONTROL BOARD.

WHERE'S MY CHECK BOOK?

THAT'S NOT MINE.

AHA! YEAH. YOU'RE
TOO LATE, FEVER.

I'M WRITING OUT PERSONAL CHECKS,

GONNA REIMBURSE MYSELF LATER.

MY NAME IS NOT FEVER.

OH, YEAH. TH-TH-TH-THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU SHOULD BE THE GHOST
OF THE CHRISTMAS FUTURE.

AT YOUR SERVICE.

JUDGING FROM YOUR OUTFIT,
MY FUTURE IS NOT TOO BRIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DON'T SEE IT.

YOU MUST SEE IT.

NO, WAIT. I, UH, I-I-I HAVE DRIVEN
AWAY FROM CONTROL BOARD.

TH-TH-TH-THAT'S OUT...

I'M WRITE-WRITING-WRITING
THE CHECKS, YOU JUST GO,

GO, GO ON HOME, GET GOING.

THIS TRIP IS NOT TO GET
YOU TO WRITE THE CHECKS.

IT'S NOT?

NO.

THIS TRIP IS FOR
YOU TO UNDERSTAND

THE TRUE SPIRIT OF GIVING.

IT'S TO TEACH YOU
GOODWILL AMONG MEN,

PEACE ON EARTH,

GOD REST YOU MERRY, GENTLEMEN,

- JOY TO THE WORLD, - OH, GREAT.

- I'LL STICK WITH IT.
- ADESTE FIDELES.

WELL, THIS TRIP
IS ALSO TO DECIDE

HOW BIG THE CHECKS WILL BE.

YOU GHOSTS NEVER
GIVE UP, DO YOU?

WE'RE JUST HERE TO HELP, ART.

LOOK! IF IT HASN'T BEEN FOR
ONE OF JOHNNY FEVER'S BROWNIES,

I WOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THIS
DREAM RIGHT NOW ANYWAY.

OH! LIGHTEN UP, AC.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH THOSE BROWNIES.

JUST BECAUSE IT WAS JOHNNY,

EVERYONE ALWAYS JUMPS
TO THE WRONG CONCLUSIONS.

POOR JOHNNY.

ALWAYS TRYING TO
DO THE RIGHT THING,

ALWAYS MISUNDERSTOOD.

JOHNNY WAS THE KIND
OF GUY THAT ALWAYS...

CAN WE JUST GO?

ALWAYS... SURE.

WHAT'S THIS? IT'S ALL WHITE. I
THOUGHT MY FUTURE WAS BLACK!

THIS IS BULLPEN.

OH, GEE. YOU MUST HAVE
MADE SOME CHANGES.

OH, YES.

Woman on Recorder: GOOD MORNING,

THIS IS THE XEROID
CORPORATION OF CINCINNATI, OHIO.

Herb on Recorder: HELLO,
HERB TARLEK HERE,

GENERAL SALES MANAGER
OF WKRP IN CINCINNATI.

Woman on Recorder: HELLO, HERB.

Herb on Recorder: I
AM GOING TO ASK

IF YOUR COMPANY WOULD LIKE
TO ADVERTISE ON OUR STATION.

Woman on Recorder:
NO, THANK YOU, HERB.

Herb on Recorder: PERHAPS I
COULD CALL BACK NEXT WEEK.

Woman on Recorder: YES,
HERB, PLEASE DO THAT.

THIS HAS BEEN A
COMPUTERIZED TRANSMISSION.

Herb on Recorder: OKAY, FINE.

HOW FAR IN THE FUTURE ARE WE?

NOT AS FAR AS YOU WOULD THINK.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY.

THE ENTIRE STATION
HAS BEEN AUTOMATED.

HERB IS THE ONLY EMPLOYEE.
THERE'S NO ONE ELSE HERE.

KIND OF A WARM
FEELING, ISN'T IT?

WHAT ABOUT BAILEY? LES? TRAVIS?

WELL, ONE BY ONE, YOU
SORT OF FORCED THEM TO QUIT.

OH, MY.

BAILEY RUNS A TELEVISION
STATION IN CHICAGO NOW.

TRAVIS IS BREEDING
GUARD DOGS IN NEW MEXICO.

VENUS OWNS A CLOTHING COMPANY
CALLED, "UPWARDLY MOBILE."

JENNIFER MARRIED
AND BOUGHT HERSELF

AN ENTIRE ISLAND OFF
THE COAST OF SARDINIA.

LES NESSMAN,

THE REPUBLICAN WHIP OF
THE UNITED STATES SENATE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME?

UH, UH, UH, FEVER AND ME?

WELL, FEVER JUST
SORT OF DISAPPEARED.

THERE WERE RUMORS OF COURSE,

BUT REALLY NOT MUCH ELSE.

AND ME?

NO, NO, DON'T-DON'T TELL
ME. I-I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

I'M DEAD, AREN'T I? UH,
DON'T, NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME.

NO PROBLEM. I
DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

UGH!

THAT'S IT FOR ME. I'M BUSHED.

GUESS I'LL GO ON HOME AND
TRIM THE OLD ALUMINUM TREE.

HERB, SORT OF TAKEN TO
TALKING TO HIMSELF NOW.

AH, IT'S GONNA BE
A NICE CHRISTMAS.

LITTLE HERB WOULD BE HOME
FROM THE FORESTRY SERVICE,

BUNNY HOME FROM THE CONVENT,

WE'LL ALL BE TOGETHER AGAIN.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY.

Arthur on Recorder:
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HERB.

AW... THAT SURE ISN'T
LIKE THE OLD DAYS!

HERB! HERB!

FEVER, FEVER GHOST,
BUT, WHATEVER...

IT DOESN'T END IN
THIS WAY, DOES IT?

I DON'T HAVE TO DIE FRIENDLESS.

THEY SAY THAT PEOPLE
CHANGE THEIR DESTINIES,

JUST BY MISSING A BUS.

OH, THINGS CAN CHANGE.
THINGS CAN BE DIFFERENT!

- MAYBE.
- AH! THEN TAKE ME BACK!

PLEASE! PLEASE! I
AM-I AM CHANGING NOW.

I AM CHANGING NOW.

YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR WAYS, AC.

OR ELSE IT WILL
ALL END LIKE THIS.

NOT PRETTY PICTURE.

COME ON, FEVER,

GIVE ME A BREAK.
GIVE ME A BREAK.

I DON'T WANNA DIE.
I DON'T WANNA DIE.

I WANNA LIVE FOREVER.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

MR. CARLSON.

OH, UH, OH,
J-JENNIFER, IT IS YOU.

AH, OH, IT DID
END AND IT'S OVER.

TH-THE-THE DREAM IS OVER?

YES, MR. CARLSON,
WHATEVER IT WAS,

IT'S ALL OVER NOW.

OH, OH, GOOD.

- WHERE'S MY CHECK BOOK?
- LEFT DRAWER.

AHA! THAT'S WONDERFUL
AND JUST GREAT!

- WHERE'S MY CHECK BOOK?
- LEFT DRAWER.

OH, YEAH, THE CHECK BOOK.

HEY, WHEN'S THE CHRISTMAS PARTY?

ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL,
THEN I GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

YOU KNOW, JENNIFER,
I SAW GHOSTS.

REAL, REAL GHOSTS.

MR. CARLSON THAT
WAS JUST A DREAM.

- THERE WERE NO GHOSTS.
- THERE WERE...

MERRY CHRISTMAS, AC.

OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS,
JOHNNY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I SAW GHOSTS, YEAH,
UH, REAL-REAL GHOSTS.

YEAH, THEY SHOWED ME THE LIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SUCCESS AT THE
EXPENSE OF YOUR FRIENDS

IS NOT SUCCESS AT ALL.

IT'S BETTER TO GIVE
THAN TO RECEIVE.

AND TH-THAT STUFF IS TRUE.

SO I'M GONNA GIVE
BIG BONUS THIS YEAR.

BIG, BIG BONUSES!

I GUESS TALKIN' TO DEAD
PEOPLE WILL DO THAT TO YOU.

YEAH, IT CERTAINLY WILL.

OH, GOD, YEAH.

WE WERE A TEAM, IF
THERE EVER WAS ONE.

YOU KNOW, MOTHER
PROBABLY WON'T LIKE THIS

BUT DARLING I'M
RUNNING THIS STATION.

AND YOU PEOPLE
HAVE GOT IT COMING.

LISTEN, FEVER, THOSE
BROWNIES, UH... I WANT 'EM.

I'LL TAKE THOSE THINGS
OVER TO MOTHER'S HOUSE,

AND I'LL POUR HER A MARTINI.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE
CHRISTMAS PARTY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

GOD BLESSES EVERYONE, HUH?

♪ HEAR THOSE SLEIGH
BELLS JINGLING, ♪

♪ RING-TING-TINGLING TOO ♪

♪ COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER ♪

♪ FOR A SLEIGH RIDE
TOGETHER WITH YOU ♪

♪ OUTSIDE THE SNOW IS FALLING ♪

♪ AND FRIENDS ARE
CALLING, "YOO HOO", ♪

♪ COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER ♪

♪ FOR A SLEIGH RIDE
TOGETHER WITH YOU. ♪

♪ GIDDY UP, GIDDY
UP, GIDDY UP, ♪

♪ LET'S GO, LET'S
LOOK AT THE SHOW, ♪

♪ WE'RE RIDING THROUGH
A WONDERLAND OF SNOW. ♪