WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 3 - Real Families - full transcript

Announcer: FROM
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA,

LOOK OUT, IT'S TIME
FOR THE NEW SHOW,

ALL AMERICA'S TALKING
ABOUT, "REAL FAMILIES."

AND NOW HERE'S
YOUR "REAL FAMILIES"

HOST AND HOSTESS, PHIL
TARRY AND ELAINE PARKER.

HELLO, EVERYBODY,
I AM PHIL TARRY.

AND I AM ELAINE PARKER.

AND WELCOME TO "REAL FAMILIES,"

THE SHOW THAT EACH
WEEK ASKS THE QUESTION,

"HEY AMERICA, WHO
ARE YOU, REALLY?"

TONIGHT WE'RE GOING ALL
THE WAY TO CINCINNATI, OHIO



WHERE WE'LL SPEND AN ENTIRE WEEK

WITH THE FAMILY YOU
SEE RIGHT BEHIND US.

THAT'S RIGHT, ELAINE.

THIS IS HERB AND LUCILLE
TARLEK AND THEIR CHILDREN.

THAT'S BUNNY WHO IS EIGHT

AND HERB THE THIRD WHO IS SEVEN.

HERB SENIOR IS A SALES EXECUTIVE

WITH A VERY POPULAR
LOCAL RADIO STATION.

AND LUCILLE, WELL...

LUCILLE SAYS SHE'S JUST
YOUR AVERAGE HOUSEWIFE.

WE CHOSE THIS LETTER FROM THE
THOUSANDS WE GET EVERY WEEK.

"DEAR REAL FAMILIES,

"I'M EDIFIED BY YOUR
BROADCAST PRESENTATION,

"AND THE DIRECTION OF SAME,



"ON THE ENTIRE
FIELD OF TELEVISION.

"AT MY ABODE, "REAL FAMILIES"
IS A MUST FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

"PLEASE ACCEPT MY
SINCEREST KUDOS."

Phil: - GOOD.
- "ONE CRITICISM THOUGH:

"WHILE YOURS TRULY,
HIS WIFE AND KIDS

"REALLY GET A HOOT OUT
OF THE TWISTED PEOPLE

"YOU CHOOSE TO EXPOSE,
"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

"HOW ABOUT SHOWING
A REAL, HARDWORKING,

"CLEAN-LIVING JOE LIKE MYSELF?

"HOW ABOUT COMING TO CINCI?

"SINCERELY, HERBERT
R. TARLEK, JUNIOR.

"PS. I KNOW THE TIME
DIFFERENCE CAN BE A HASSLE,

"SO PHONE ANYTIME.

WE'RE JUST AVERAGE FOLKS."

BUT ARE THEY REALLY AVERAGE?

I MEAN, WHO ARE THESE
TARLEKS ANYWAY, HUH?

WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT
PHIL, AS ONLY A "REAL FAMILIES"

ON THE SPOT CAMERA CREW CAN!

RIGHT ELAINE. SO DON'T YOU
DARE TOUCH THAT DIAL BECAUSE

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH ANOTHER TOP-RATED

GREAT SHOW ON "REAL FAMILIES"

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪♪

TODAY, BEFORE WE ENTER
CINCINNATI IN TONIGHT'S SHOW,

I'D LIKE TO BRING YOU UP-TO-DATE

ON DR. AND MRS. BENNETT
BELTNER FROM MIAMI, FLORIDA.

AS YOU RECALL,

WE VISITED THE GOOD DENTIST
AND HIS FAMILY IN HIS HOME

ON LAST WEEK'S SHOW,
AND WHILE IN HIS HOME,

OUR CAMERAS DISCOVERED
SEVERAL VIALS OF DEMEROL.

DEMEROL IS A FUN
LITTLE PAINKILLER,

AND WHILE IT'S ALRIGHT
FOR THE DENTIST

TO HAVE IT IN HIS OFFICE,

IT'S NOT ALRIGHT FOR HIM
TO HAVE IT IN THE GARAGE.

SO WE'RE SORRY TO REPORT

THAT BECAUSE OF OUR
JOURNALISTIC COMMITMENT

TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS,

DR. BELTNER WILL BE
ARRAIGNED THIS WEEK

IN DADE COUNTY COURT
ON FELONY POSSESSION

OF A CONTROLLED DRUG.

LOOK, IT'S UNFORTUNATE.
BUT IT'S REAL.

AND SPEAKING OF "REAL," ELAINE,

WHAT ABOUT
TONIGHT'S REAL FAMILY?

PHIL, HERB AND LUCILLE
TARLEK LIVE HERE

IN CINCINNATI, OHIO.

A CITY FULL OF PEOPLE, HARD
BY THE BANKS OF THE OHIO.

Phil: AND THIS IS THE HOME
OF LUCILLE AND HERB TARLEK.

IT'S AVERAGE AND IT'S REAL.

YOU'VE SEEN A
PICTURE OF THE TARLEKS

LOOK PRETTY NORMAL, DIDN'T THEY?

Elaine: BUT ARE THEY REALLY?

Phil: WHAT DO THEY THINK?

HOW DO THEY LIVE?

ARE THEY TRYING
TO HIDE ANYTHING?

Elaine: AND HOW DOES A SHOW

LIKE "REAL FAMILIES" FIND OUT?

Phil: ONE WAY, ELAINE,

IS BY TELLING THE TARLEKS

OUR CAMERA CREW WOULD
SHOW UP ON MONDAY MORNING

AND INSTEAD WE SHOWED
UP RIGHT IN EARLY,

SUNDAY MORNING.

Phil: HI, YOU MUST BE BUNNY.

ARE YOUR PARENTS HOME?

MOMMY!

MOMMY!

- MOMMY...
- HELLO, BUNNY, GO AWAY.

MOMMY, THE TELEVISION
PEOPLE ARE HERE.

OH! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

HERB! HERB! THEY'RE
HERE! THEY'RE HERE!

THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE HERE!

SHUT UP, DARLING,
SHUT UP, HA HA.

THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE HERE!

THIS-THIS ISN'T
MONDAY, IT'S SUNDAY!

IT'S SUNDAY. SHUT
UP DEAR, SHUT UP.

- I-I-IT'S SUNDAY, YOU GUYS!
- SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

WAIT, WAIT... DON'T-DON'T
SAY "SHUT UP" DEAR.

C-C-COULD YOU TURN OFF
THAT CAMERA FOR A SECOND?

Elaine: HERB, ELAINE
PARKER SPEAKING

IS THAT A BEER CAN
ON THE NIGHT TABLE?

WHAT?

ISN'T THAT A BEER CAN
ON THE NIGHT TABLE?

UH, I DON'T THINK SO, I
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

- Phil: HI, HERB, PHIL TARRY.
- HI, PHIL.

Phil: - NICE SUNDAY MORNING.

WHAT DO THE TARLEKS DO ON
AN AVERAGE SUNDAY MORNING?

WELL, WE GET DRESSED.

BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO EXCUSE US FOR A MINUTE.

Elaine: WHAT DO YOU DO
AFTER YOU GET DRESSED?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WE, WE EAT BREAKFAST.

Phil: THEN WHAT?

- TH-THEN WHAT? THEN WHAT?
- UH, WE GO TO CHURCH.

WHAT?

- WE GO TO CHURCH - RIGHT,
RIGHT. WE GO TO CHURCH.

UH-HUH! YEAH, YOU GO GET
YOUR BROTHER DRESSED...

- WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH.
- GOING TO CHURCH.

- WHERE?
- CHURCH.

- IT'S LIKE EVERY SUNDAY.
- EVERY SUNDAY.

UH HUH! GO GET YOUR BROTHER NOW.

GO AND... I DON'T
BELIEVE THIS. SUNDAY.

Phil: SURE ENOUGH, THE
TARLEKS WERE OFF TO CHURCH.

WE ASKED IF WE COULD TAG ALONG.

OH, NO. I'M SORRY.

I R-REALLY THIS, UH, CHURCH
THING IS VERY PERSONAL TO US.

UH, WE'LL BE BACK
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

YOU'LL BE HERE WHEN WE
GET BACK RIGHT, UH-HUH?

OKAY. HERE YOU GO.

WELL, YOU JUST LET
YOURSELF IN THE HOUSE,

HERE YOU GO HERB,
GET IN THE CAR...

AND HAVE SOME CAKE
AND COFFEE, ALRIGHT?

Elaine: ISN'T THAT A DOLL
LITTLE HERB IS CARRYING?

- HUH?
- A DOLL?

OH! THIS, UH, HE KIDS
AROUND. HE KIDS AROUND.

THERE YOU GO, BUNNY,
HERE'S YOUR DOLL.

- THAT'S NOT MINE.
- YES, IT IS YOUR DOLL, HONEY.

HERE WE GO, BYE, BYE NOW!

All: BYE, BYE, BYE.

Lucille: OH, WE'RE
GOING TO PRAY.

Phil: JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT,

WE DECIDED TO FOLLOW
THE TARLEKS TO CHURCH.

Elaine: AS YOU CAN SEE,

THE TARLEKS JUST APPEAR TO
BE DRIVING AROUND AIMLESSLY!

Phil: THEN HERB
STARTED DRIVING FASTER.

IT WAS LIKE HE WAS TRYING
TO LOSE OUR CAMERA CAR.

THIS WENT ON FOR
ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

Herb: WE'RE JUST
GOING FOR A LITTLE BIT.

- MY DOOR!
- DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

Phil: FINALLY, THE TARLEKS
ARRIVED AT THEIR CHURCH

Herb: OUT... HERE
WE GO. HERE WE GO!

AH, GET THAT!

Elaine: WHAT'S WRONG, HERB?

WELL, THE, UH...

THE DOOR SEEMS TO BE LOCKED.

Phil: ARE YOU SURE,
THIS IS YOUR CHURCH?

YEAH, YEAH, THIS
IS IT, ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS WE MISSED
THE SERVICES. YEAH...

WELL, LET'S GO
VISIT GRANDMA, HUH?

GRANDMA'S DEAD.

WELL, LET'S GO HAVE A
G-G-GOOD OLD FASHION BARBECUE.

- THAT'S IT, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- OH! IT'S A SYNAGOGUE.

- WHAT?
- IT'S A SYNAGOGUE.

WE ENJOY OUR, OUR
BACKYARD VERY MUCH.

UH, OH, YEAH, YEAH.

YES, SIR.

I GUESS LOT OF
AMERICANS DO, WE, UH,

YOU KNOW ANY TIME WE
WANT TO... WE JUST GO,

RIGHT OUT THAT BACKDOOR,
RIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW.

AND, UH... WELL, THAT'S
GOOD MEAT. THAT...

WHEN THAT HAPPENED...
THAT'S GOOD MEAT.

YOU KNOW, WE JUST COME
OUT OF THAT BACKDOOR,

RIGHT THERE AND...

PRESTO! WE'RE OUTSIDE. WE,
WE ENJOY. WE REALLY LIKE IT.

HEY! HERE WE GO, SON.

HEY, THIS IS THE OL', UH-

LET'S TOSS THE OLD
BALL AROUND, OKAY?

YOU STAND RIGHT... STAND RIGHT.

GIVE ME... GIVE ME THE
DOLL. HA-HA, OL' HERBIE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW THIS
IS THE OLD COMBINATION

OF BRADSHAW TO SWANN,

YOU KNOW, EXCEPT THAT
SWANN'S COLORED, OF COURSE,

UH, I MEAN, BLACK. OOPS.

Phil: HERB, DID YOU SAY COLORED?

WHAT?

Phil: UH, YOU SAID, "COLORED"
AT FIRST, NOT "BLACK."

OH, UH, I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT, NO.

Elaine: WHAT ABOUT
PREJUDICE, HERB?

I DON'T HAVE ANY.

Elaine: OH, COME ON, WE ALL DO.

NO, NOT ME. I MEAN,
THERE IS THIS...

THERE THIS GUY, BLACK GUY,
VENUS FLYTRAP IS HIS NAME.

HE WORKS AT THE RADIO STATION.

I MEAN, HE AND I
ARE JUST LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, WE... YOU KNOW,

WE EVEN ATTENDED ONE OF THOSE

N-A-DOUBLE-C-P
MEETINGS ONCE TOGETHER.

- Phil: OH, REALLY?
- OH, YEAH.

I THINK...

MIGHT HAVE BEEN SOME
OTHER KIND OF MEETING, UH...

I DO REMEMBER THERE WAS...

THERE WERE LOT OF
BLACK PEOPLE THERE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE AN NBA GAME.

JUST, JUST KIDDING THERE.

THIS IS OUR POOL.

YOU HAVE TO BLOW IT UP.

HONEY, TIME FOR LUNCH.

UH, DO YOU EVER
TURN THAT CAMERA OFF?

NO?

OH, ISN'T THAT
INTERESTING, UH-HUH?

DID YOU TELL THEM ANYTHING?

- YEAH.
- OH.

Elaine: WE NEXT CATCH
UP WITH THE TARLEK FAMILY

THAT NIGHT AFTER DINNER.

Man on TV: FAT!
YOU CALLIN' ME FAT?

Woman on TV: NO, YOU'RE NOT FAT.

- Phil: LUCILLE.
- YES, PHIL.

Phil: DOES YOUR FAMILY
WATCH A LOT OF TELEVISION?

- IT'S ON ALL THE TIME.
- NO, HONEY, THAT'S NOT SO.

WE DO WATCH A LITTLE.

Elaine: ARE YOU CAREFUL WHAT
YOU ALLOW THE CHILDREN TO WATCH?

YES, INDEED, WE ARE.

Elaine: FOR INSTANCE?

WELL, WE ONLY ALLOW
THEM TO WATCH WHOLESOME,

FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT.

Elaine: LIKE WHAT?

UH, WELL, "THE LITTLE
HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE."

NOW THAT'S A FINE,
WHOLESOME SHOW.

IT'S ABOUT BLIND
CHILDREN OUT WEST,

AND EVERY WEEK THEY HAVE A FIRE,

OR SOMEONE GETS
AN INCURABLE DISEASE.

WE ENJOY IT VERY MUCH, UH HUH.

Man on TV: MS. STOLCEY IS FAT.

Phil: THE NEXT MORNING, HERB
TOOK US TO WORK WITH HIM.

YOU GUYS GAVE US QUITE
A START YESTERDAY, BUT...

I THINK THINGS HAVE
SETTLED BACK TO NORMAL NOW.

Phil: SAY, WHO
MANAGES THE STATION?

WELL, THERE'S,
THERE'S THREE OF US.

THERE'S ARTHUR
CARLSON, HE IS THE GM.

ANDY TRAVIS, HE'S THE
PD. AND ME, I'M THE S & M...

SM. SALES MANAGER.

THAT'S RIGHT, RADIO JARGON.

Elaine: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU

JUST ABOUT RUN THE STATION.

Reporter on radio: FINALLY,
PRESIDENT-ELECT RONALD REAGAN

AND HIS WIFE, NANCY,
SPENT THE DAY...

IT'S A GREAT COUNTRY, ISN'T IT?

Phil: YES, IT IS.

HUH... WE LIKE IT.

UH, THIS IS IT. THIS
IS WHERE I WORK.

Elaine: HERB TARLEK WORKS HERE,

THE PHLEGM BUILDING
IN DOWNTOWN CINCINNATI.

UH, THIS IS THE LOBBY WHERE
JENNIFER MARLOWE WORKS.

YOU KNOW... I-I... I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOUR RECEPTIONIST
LOOKS LIKE BACK IN HOLLYWOOD.

BUT I WANNA SAY...
OH, UH, HERE SHE IS!

HI, JENNIFER.

UH, THIS IS TV PEOPLE,
NATIONAL TELEVISION.

HELLO.

Phil: YOU'RE THE RECEPTIONIST?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, AND
RIGHT OVER HERE IS,

UH, CARLSON'S OFFICE.

CARLSON, THE TV PEOPLE ARE HERE.

Arthur: GOOD MORNING, HERB.

Herb: GOOD MORNING, ARTHUR.

Herb: MR. CARLSON RUNS WKRP.

Arthur: YES, I
MANAGE THE STATION.

Arthur: WELCOME
TO WKRP AM RADIO.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, UH, UH

EXCUSE ME, THIS IS MR. CARLSON.

YES, BY... I MANAGE THE STATION.

WELCOME TO WKRP AM RADIO.

WELL, LOOK I WILL DO,
YOU GUYS COME ON.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE REST
OF THE STATION, HUH?

HUH? OKAY. COME ON.

GO WITH HIM... GO.

WELCOME... I, UH, THIS
IS, UH, THE HALLWAY.

UH, QUEEN, ALL THESE GUYS ARE.

THIS IS THE DJ BOOTH.

GUYS, COME ON IN NOW.

HI JOHN.

DR. JOHNNY FEVER

I'M ON THE AIR, HERB
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, FEVER, THIS IS "REAL
FAMILIES." NATIONAL TELEVISION.

AND THIS IS RADIO IN
CINCINNATI, BEING INTERRUPTED.

Phil: THIS IS THE MORNING
DISC JOCKEY, DR. JOHNNY FEVER,

A VERY POPULAR RADIO
PERSONALITY IN CINCINNATI.

ONE OF THE MOST IMAGINATIVE
FETISHISTS I HAVE EVER MET.

- UH, THANKS.
- I KNOW IT'S TIGHT FOR YOU...

Phil: AND ACCORDING TO HERB,

ONE OF HIS CLOSEST
AND DEAREST FRIENDS.

THANK YOU, JOHN, THANKS A LOT.

LISTEN, I'VE GOT A LADY
FRIEND WHO'D LIKE TO BORROW

- SOME OF YOUR LINGERIE.
- THANKS A LOT, JOHN

HE, HE REALLY LIKES...

DID, DID, DID THE
HORSES PAY OFF?

DID THEY, YES, THANKS JOHN.

HE REALLY... JOHN!

I WON'T NEED THOSE DRUGS, HERB.

OKAY, THANKS.
IT'S-IT'S REALLY OKAY.

- OH, COME ON DOWN. WE'LL GO...
- BUT I APPRECIATE THE OFFER.

Phil: EVERYBODY AT THE STATION
SEEM TO LOVE HERB AND VICE VERSA.

THANKS, JOHN.

- THE KICKBACK FROM ME IS...
- HE REALLY KINDA LIKES...

Elaine: ANDY TRAVIS,
PROGRAM DIRECTOR OF WKRP.

OH, YEAH. HE IS A...
HE IS QUITE A GUY.

HE IS GREAT, QUITE A GUY.

I-I COULD TELL YOU SOME STORIES.

Phil: OH, TELL US ONE.

UM...

Elaine: ANDY, HERB TELLS US
THAT HE OFTEN PICKS RECORDS

AND PROGRAMS THE MUSIC AT WKRP.

WOULDN'T THAT BE YOUR JOB?

HERB SAID THAT?

Elaine: UH HUH.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
I-I GO TO HERB, UH,

FOR ADVICE, AS-AS-AS WE ALL DO.

HE'S JUST A GOOD MAN TO TALK TO.

I WOULD SAY THAT HERB
TARLEK IS A HARD WORKER,

A LOYAL HUSBAND, AND
ALL AROUND FINE PERSON.

Phil: WE'RE GONNA STOP
THE TAPE RIGHT THERE

BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO
REMEMBER MR. TRAVIS'S LAST COMMENT.

"HERB TARLEK IS A HARD WORKER,

LOYAL HUSBAND, AND
ALL AROUND FINE PERSON."

REMEMBER THAT BECAUSE SOMETHING
PRETTY INTERESTING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

Elaine: THIS IS VENUS FLYTRAP,
POPULAR NIGHTTIME DJ.

WE'RE ALL JUST ONE HAPPY FAMILY.

I GUESS I'VE KNOWN HERB
ALL ABOUT TWO YEARS.

YEAH, TWO YEARS NOW.

Elaine: VENUS, HERB TELLS
US THAT YOU AND HE ATTEND

NAACP MEETINGS TOGETHER.

Phil: IS THAT TRUE?

YEAH, WE HANG OUT DOWN
THERE ALL THE TIME... THE NAACP.

Elaine: VENUS, DESCRIBE HERB.

HERB IS A HARD WORKER,
A LOYAL HUSBAND,

AND A ALL AROUND FINE PERSON.

Phil: THERE IS THAT EXACT
SAME DESCRIPTION AGAIN!

Elaine: THIS IS BAILEY QUARTERS,

A MEMBER OF THE WKRP NEWS STAFF.

Phil: GET A LOAD OF THIS.

UM, HERB TARLEK
IS A... LOYAL WORKER.

NO! HE'S A LOYAL HUSBAND.

UM, HE'S A LOYAL
HUSBAND, UM... UM.

HE'S A LOYAL...
Elaine: LES NESSMAN,

NEWS DIRECTOR OF WKRP
FOR THE PAST SEVEN YEARS.

I WON THIS ONE IN 1975

WHEN I BROKE THE BIG
SOYBEAN SHORTAGE STORY.

NOW, OVER HERE... OVER HERE...

Phil: I SAY LES... WHAT?

Phil: WHAT'S HERB TARLEK LIKE?

HARD WORKER, LOYAL HUSBAND,
ALL AROUND FINE PERSON.

NOW, THIS... THIS IS THE
COVETED SILVER SOW AWARD.

I'M SURE YOUR VIEWERS
WOULD LOVE TO TOUCH IT!

HARD WORKER, LOYAL
HUSBAND, FINE PERSON.

HE'S A LOYAL,
ALL AROUND... UH...

Elaine: STATION MANAGER,
ARTHUR CARLSON.

MR. CARLSON,
DESCRIBE HERB TARLEK.

ABOUT THAT TALL.

IT'S A JOKE. I-I WAS
JUST, JUST KIDDING.

YOU CAN CUT THAT
OUT IF YOU LIKE.

EDIT THAT SUCKER
RIGHT ON OUTTA THERE.

NO, NO SERIOUSLY, HERB
TARLEK IS A HARD WORKER,

LOYAL HUSBAND, UH,
ALL AROUND FINE PERSON.

HARD WORKER, LOYAL HUSBAND,
AND ALL AROUND FINE PERSON.

ALL AROUND FINE PERSON.

THERE! I DID IT!

HA-HA, HOW ABOUT THAT?

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE MIKE WALLACE

TO KNOW WHAT, AUDIENCE, I MEAN,

WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE DOING?

All: THEY'RE LYING.

THEY'RE WHAT?

Audience: THEY'RE LYING.

WELL, I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR,

BUT IT'S OBVIOUS TO ME, ELAINE,

THAT-THAT HERB'S COWORKERS
SEEM TO BE COVERING UP FOR HIM.

THAT'S RIGHT PHIL AND
WHEN THIS HAPPENS,

WE START DIGGING
FOR THE REAL FACTS.

- RIGHT AFTER THIS.
- RIGHT.

Elaine: WE PICK UP OUR STORY
OF THE TARLEKS THE NEXT DAY

WHEN WE WENT
SHOPPING WITH LUCILLE.

Phil: IT WAS TIME TO
START DIGGING A LITTLE.

OH, I PICK UP THE FOOD
HERE IN THESE AISLES

AND THEN I PAY
FOR IT OVER THERE.

AND THESE CARTS
MAKE IT QUITE EASY.

Elaine: WHAT ABOUT PRICES?

OH, THAT'S HOW YOU
KNOW WHAT TO PAY!

Phil: NO, I THINK ELAINE MEANT,

ARE THE PRICES TOO
HIGH THESE DAYS?

YES, THEY ARE.

Phil: SAY, LUCILLE, WOULD YOU
SAY HERB IS A LOYAL HUSBAND?

OH, I, YES. WHY DO YOU ASK?

Phil: WELL, THERE ARE SOME

VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN
WHERE HERB WORKS.

YES, I THINK JENNIFER HAD A
CRUSH ON HERB AT ONE TIME,

BUT THAT'S ALL OVER WITH NOW.

Elaine: JENNIFER HAD
A CRUSH ON HERB,

NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

UH-UH.

Elaine: DOESN'T THAT SOUND
A LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE?

WELL, OH, YES, IT DOES.

BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT HAPPENED.

I THINK MY HAND IS FROZEN
TO THIS BOX OF ICE CREAM.

Elaine: THAT MUST BE PAINFUL.

YES, IT IS.

I WHAT?

Phil: LUCILLE SAID AT ONE TIME,

YOU HAD A CRUSH ON HERB.

WELL YES. WE'RE ALL
PRETTY CRAZY ABOUT HERB.

BUT THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

Phil: DID ANYTHING HAPPEN?

NO. TRUST ME.

Elaine: WHAT DID
YOU SEE IN HERB?

IT WAS HIS WARDROBE,

AND HE HAS AN ARTIFICIAL LEG.

Phil: JOHNNY, WHAT ABOUT HERB

AND YOUR RECEPTIONIST,
JENNIFER MARLOWE?

WHAT ABOUT 'EM?

Phil: WHAT'S THE REAL
STORY THERE, JOHNNY?

REAL STORY?

- YOU WANT THE REAL STORY?
- YOU BET.

WELL, UH, IN THE FIRST PLACE,

HERB'S NAME ISN'T
TARLEK, IT'S NIETZSCHE.

HE'S DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE
FAMOUS NIHILIST PHILOSOPHER.

SEE, HE CAME TO AMERICA

TO PROVE THROUGH THE USE
OF POLYESTER THAT GOD IS DEAD.

AND I THINK HE SUCCEEDED
ADMIRABLY, DON'T YOU?

Phil: NIETZSCHE?

YEAH. HERBERT R.
NIETZSCHE JUNIOR.

IT IS MORE, UH,

HOW MUCH TAPE YOU
GOT IN THAT THING?

I CAN GO ON AND ON YOU KNOW.

HERB HASN'T GOT TIME
FOR THAT SORT OF THING.

HE WORKS TOO HARD. WE ALL DO.

Elaine: KIDS, IS DADDY
A HARD WORKER?

Both: YEAH.

Elaine: HOW DO YOU KNOW?

WELL, SOMETIMES
HE WORKS SO HARD,

HE COMES HOME FOR
LUNCH AND SLEEPS ALL DAY.

HE SLEEPS ALL DAY?

Phil: THAT'S RIGHT.

NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU SEE-SEE, HERB'S
OUT MAKING SALES CALLS.

Elaine: WHO ARE SOME OF
HERB'S BIGGEST CLIENTS?

WELL, THERE'S RED WIGGLERS
- THE CADILLAC OF WORMS.

THEY SELL LIVE BAIT.

AND THEN THERE'S

HENDRIK MULLER'S WORLD
OF ORIENTAL EXPORTS.

ALSO, HERB COMES UP WITH SOME
VERY FINE PROMOTIONAL IDEAS.

HE DID THE "DANCING
DUCKS PROMOTION."

Elaine: WHAT'S THAT BAILEY?

WELL, IT'S SORT OF A TIE-IN WITH
HUNTERS DEPARTMENT STORE.

UM, HERB PUT SOME
DUCKS IN THE WINDOW, UH.

IT WAS A REAL CUTE IDEA!

AND THE DUCKS, WHILE THEY
WOULD DO A LITTLE DANCE,

Elaine: WHAT?

THEY-THEY WOULD DANCE.

APPARENTLY, HERB TAUGHT
THE DUCKS TO DANCE, I GUESS,

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE ABOUT THAT.

Elaine: THIS IS
VARGUS ENSWILLER,

HEAD OF THE CINCINNATI OFFICE OF
THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS.

MR. TARLEK HAD PLACED SOME DUCKS

IN THE WINDOW OF
HUNTERS DEPARTMENT STORE

AS AN ADVERTISING GIMMICK
WITH HIS RADIO STATION.

AT NOON, 1, 2, AND 3 PM,

THE DUCKS WOULD
DO A LITTLE DANCE,

SORT OF A JITTERBUG.

Elaine: MR. TARLEK HAD
TRAINED THE DUCKS?

NO. THE DUCKS DANCED
ON A LITTLE STAGE

MADE OF ALUMINUM FOIL.

WE DISCOVERED THAT UNDER THAT,

MR. TARLEK HAD
PLACED A HOT PLATE.

HE WOULD TURN IT UP, AND
THE DUCKS WOULD DANCE,

AND HE WOULD TURN IT OFF AND THE
DUCKS WOULD GO ON ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW THE INTERESTING
THING ABOUT THIS CASE WAS THAT

TWO THANKSGIVINGS AGO,

THIS MAN TARLEK AND
ANOTHER MAN NAMED...

CARLSON, WERE CITED
FOR THROWING LIVE TURKEYS

OUT OF A HELICOPTER
TO THEIR DEATHS.

WE, UH... WE DIDN'T MEAN
TO KILL THOSE TURKEYS.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

WE THOUGHT TURKEYS COULD FLY.

Phil: WHAT ABOUT THE DUCKS?

SHOULD WE CALL A LAWYER?

AND THEN HE TOOK AWAY
ALL HERB THE THIRD'S DOLLS,

AND TOLD ME TO
KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT

OR HE'D BREAK MY ARM.

NO, HONEY. IT'S JUST
DADDY'S WAY OF PLAYING.

NOW, LOOK, WHY DON'T
YOU TWO GO WATCH TV.

COME ON, NOW! COME ON!

WATCH ANYTHING YOU WANT.

Elaine: LUCILLE, HERB,
WHAT ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE?

OH, UH, WAIT A MINUTE, UH,
UH, I'D LIKE TO STOP NOW.

THIS ISN'T FUN ANYMORE.

THIS IS NOT WHAT I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

Phil: UH, I THOUGHT YOU
WANTED TO BE ON TELEVISION.

UH, WE HAVE A CONTRACT.

HERB DOESN'T WANNA TALK TO
YOU ANYMORE. HE'S GONE TO BED.

Phil: LUCILLE, WHAT'S 11
YEARS OF MARRIAGE MEAN?

I MEAN WHAT'S IT LIKE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

WE HAVE THIS HOUSE AND
WE HAVE THE CHILDREN.

Phil: HAS YOUR MARRIAGE
TURNED OUT THE WAY

YOU DREAMED IT WOULD?

NO... NO, IT HASN'T.

HAS YOURS?

Elaine: LUCILLE HAVE YOU
EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DIVORCE?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Elaine: HOW COME?

I DON'T KNOW.

PERHAPS I'M JUST
NOT CLEVER ENOUGH

OR SMART ENOUGH
TO PUT IT INTO WORDS,

BUT... I KNOW THAT
MY HERB LOVES ME.

Elaine: AND WHY
DO YOU LOVE HERB?

WHAT'S THE MAIN REASON?

HE'S GOT A GREAT BODY.

Elaine: EXCEPT FOR
THE MISSING LEG.

EXCUSE ME.

Phil: HERB, WEREN'T YOU ARRESTED

ONCE FOR SOME
KIND OF MORAL THING?

IT'S A COMPLETE LIE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE
NAMES OF THOSE GIRLS.

Phil: OH, I THOUGHT
YOU HAD BEEN.

SERIOUSLY, PHIL,

I THINK I'M HAVING A COMPLETE
MENTAL COLLAPSE UNDER HERE.

Elaine: LUCILLE, DOES HERB
REGRESS LIKE THIS OFTEN?

NO, NOT LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW, I-I-I DON'T
THINK IT'S FAIR TO YOU GUYS

TO MAKE IT SOUN
LIKE I'M HIDING THINGS.

Elaine: YOU'RE HIDING NOW!

- OH, YES I'M...
- DADDY GO NUTS?

NOT NOW, SWEETHEART.

Herb: NOT NOW,
SWEETHEART. NOT YET.

Phil: COME ON, HERB, WE'RE
JUST TRYING TO GET TO THE TRUTH!

TRUTH? YOU MEAN WHAT'S REAL?

Phil: THAT'S RIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S REAL.

MY LIFE IS BORING.

BUT YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT
BECAUSE THIS IS A TV SHOW.

YOU GOTTA DIG UP A LOT OF
DIRT SO YOU CAN GET THE RATINGS,

SO YOU DON'T GET
CANCELLED. NOW THAT'S REAL.

Elaine: OBVIOUSLY,
WE'VE HIT SOME KIND OF...

HANG ON. I MAY HAVE A
COUPLE OF PROBLEMS HERE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T
MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.

MY-MY-MY-MY SON LIKES DOLLS,

YOU KNOW, I WISH HE
DIDN'T, BUT HE DOES.

MY UNDERSHORTS ARE TORN.

I LIKE TO DRINK BEER.

AND SURE I MISTREATED
A COUPLE OF DUCKS,

BUT, PHIL, DEEP DOWN INSIDE,
I LIKE DUCKS. I'M ALL POOR.

Phil: NOW, THIS IS REAL.

NO, THIS IS NOT REAL!

NOTHING ON THAT TUBE IS REAL!

NOT EVEN IN, NOT
EVEN IN THE NEWS!

NOW, NOW, GET OUTTA HERE!

TAKE TO... JUST GET OUTTA
HERE AND STAY OUTTA MY HOME!

Phil: WELL, ELAINE, THAT'S
ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING

REAL FAMILIES WE'VE EVER HAD.

Elaine: PHIL, I'D HAVE TO
SAY THAT AS FAR AS RIPPING...

MY FATHER IS A HARD
WORKER, LOYAL HUSBAND,

AND ALL AROUND FINE PERSON.

Phil: OH!

Elaine: HMM. HMM...
WKRP IN CINCINNATI

WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

WELL WE HAVE ANOTHER
WEEK OF "REAL FAMILIES."

AND WHAT ABOUT
THE TARLEKS, PHIL?

IS HERB REALLY STILL MAD AT US?

WELL, IF HE WAS,
HE ISN'T ANYMORE.

NOT AFTER WE OFFERED TO
FLY HIM AND THE ENTIRE FAMILY

TO HOLLYWOOD, ALL EXPENSES PAID.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HERE THEY ARE!

HOW ARE YOU DOING
PAL? STILL MAD?

- NO.
- OF COURSE NOT.

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE ALMOST ANYBODY
WILL DO ALMOST ANYTHING

TO GET THEIR PICTURE ON
TELEVISION, RIGHT HERBY?

RIGHT, PHIL.

IN FACT, I'LL BET

IF YOU WERE WILLING
TO SHOOT YOURSELF

IN THE FOOT WITH A RIFLE,

WE COULD GET YOU
ON, "THAT'S INCREDIBLE."

REALLY, H-H-HOW
WOULD I GO ABOUT...

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN.

THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WATCH US NEXT WEEK
ON "REAL FAMILIES"

WHEN WE GO TO NEW YORK CITY.

HE'S A CUBAN BAND LEADER

AND SHE SAYS SHE'S AN
AVERAGE RED-HEADED HOUSEWIFE.

BUT IS SHE REALLY?

WE'LL FIND OUT NEXT
WEEK ON "REAL FAMILIES."

AND REMEMBER FRIENDS,

IF IT CAN'T STAND CLOSE WITH ME

THEN IT'S NO GOOD.

- GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY.
- GOOD NIGHT.

Announcer: WHILE IN HOLLYWOOD,
GUESTS OF "REAL FAMILIES"

STAY AT THE CASA
DEL VITA MOTOR COURT

WHERE DINING IN THE RUMBA
ROOM IS AN EXPERIENCE.

FOR EVERYONE AT "REAL FAMILIES,"

THIS IS SETH CADILLAC
SPEAKING. GOOD NIGHT.