WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 18 - Out to Lunch - full transcript

HOW COME YOU NEVER TAKE
ME OUT SOMEPLACE FOR LUNCH?

BECAUSE IT ISN'T NECESSARY.

IT IS SO. I HAVE TO EAT.

YOU ARE EATING.

NO, THIS IS EATING, EATING.

IT'S NOT THE SAME
AS BUSINESS EATING,

AS IN A BUSINESS
LUNCH AT SOME SIMPLE

BUT EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE
LITTLE FRENCH PLACE.

THAT'S A POINTLESS
WASTE OF MONEY.

BESIDES, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

- I WOULD SO.
- OKAY, I WOULDN'T LIKE IT.



- SNAILS.
- AHA.

I KNEW EVENTUALLY
I'D GET THE TRUTH.

HERB AROUND?

HE AND MR. CARLSON ARE HAVING LUNCH
WITH A MEDIA BUYER FROM SOME BIG AGENCY.

GREAT.

YEAH. PROBABLY AT SOME SIMPLE

BUT EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE
LITTLE FRENCH PLACE,

ALTHOUGH I'M SURE
THEY'RE NOT ENJOYING IT.

HERB HAS AN EXPENSE
ACCOUNT, BAILEY.

IT'S DIFFERENT. THAT'S
HOW SALES WORKS.

HERB IS A HOSE PAIL.

- A WHAT?
- A HOSE PAIL, BAILEY.

IT'S A WORD I USE
INSTEAD OF SWEARING.

- ANDY...
- YES?



WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

IT APPEARS AS THOUGH
I'M GOING TO WRITE

SOME COMMERCIAL COPY
FOR A RECORD STORE.

- OH.
- WHY?

HERB AND I WERE SUPPOSED TO
MEET WITH THE STORE OWNER AT NOON.

HE'S IN MY OFFICE NOW,
AND IT'S ALMOST 2:00.

- UH-OH.
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE CUSTOMER
FROM A LITTLE RECORD STORE.

NO BIG AD AGENCY GUY,
SO I GUESS HERB HAS

EVERY RIGHT TO TREAT HIM
LIKE A PIECE OF DOG FOOD.

ANDY, THERE'S SOME ANGRY GUY
STOMPING AROUND IN FRONT OF YOUR OFFICE.

THAT'S THE DOG-FOOD MAN.

- EXCUSE ME.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE. VENUS?

VOILA.

- PICK ONE.
- OH, THANK YOU.

MADAM.

THANK YOU. WHAT IS IT?

JOHNNY AND I WERE HAVING
LUNCH AT THIS FANCY...

FRENCH?

- YEAH, YEAH.
- EXPENSIVE?

- YEAH, THE RECORD COMPANY
GUY PAID FOR IT.
- WHAT'D YOU HAVE?

I HAD A SHRIMP SALAD, AND
I THINK HE HAD PHEASANT.

YOU ATE A PHEASANT?

I GUESS SO.

A WHOLE PHEASANT?

I DON'T KNOW, LES. IT WAS THE
MOST EXPENSIVE THING ON THE MENU,

SO I GOT IT.

- WHAT ARE THESE?
- THESE ARE IRISH
SWEEPSTAKES TICKETS.

THE RECORD COMPANY GUY BOUGHT
ONE FOR EVERYBODY AT THE STATION.

WHERE'S MINE?

VOILA.

NO SWEAT, BIG GUY. A COUPLE
MORE LUNCHES LIKE THIS,

AND WE GOT HIM IN THE BAG.

I THINK I'M ALREADY
IN THE BAG, HERB.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. A
COUPLE MORE LUNCHES LIKE THIS,

AND I'M GONNA BE AN ALCOHOLIC.

- YOU'RE JUST OUT OF SHAPE.
- MR. CARLSON,

HAVE AN IRISH
SWEEPSTAKES TICKET.

OH. GEE, THANKS, VENUS.

OH, GOLLY, I FEEL BADLY

I DIDN'T GET YOU ANYTHING.

HERE YOU GO, HERB. ♪ WAA-WAA ♪

THANK YOU, JONATHAN.

HERB,

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?

AROUND 2:00.

ASK HIM IF HE KNOWS
WHAT DAY IT IS.

MARGUSON, THE GUY
FROM THE RECORD STORE,

BEEN IN MY OFFICE
FOR OVER THREE HOURS.

TUESDAY.

HERB, I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU
RIGHT IN YOUR POLYESTER HEART.

COME ON, HEY,
LIGHT-LIGHTEN UP, TRAVIS.

I'LL FIX IT. IT'LL BE OKAY.

WAIT, HOLD IT. WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA POUR A COUPLE
COCKTAILS AND INK A COUPLE DEALS.

IT'S CALLED SALESMANSHIP.

SINCE WHEN DOES HERB KEEP A
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN HIS DESK?

- BAILEY?
- UH, A MONTH OR SO.

I WONDER WHAT ELSE
HE'S GOT IN THERE.

THREE COMBS, A
BRUSH, BREATH SPRAY,

SIX OR SEVEN BOTTLES
OF AFTERSHAVE,

AND SOME CLEAN SOCKS.

OF COURSE, I'M JUST GUESSING.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

I'M SORRY. MR. CARLSON
IS UNAVAILABLE.

HE'S STILL RECOVERING
FROM LUNCH.

YES, THANK YOU. BYE.

OKAY, UH, I'VE GOT
A GIFT FOR YOU.

WE'VE GOT A GIFT FOR YOU.

UH, I THOUGHT THAT...
WE THOUGHT THAT...

WE THOUGHT THERE'S PROBABLY
NOTHING YOU WANTED MORE IN THIS LIFE

THAN A FREE IRISH
SWEEPSTAKES TICKET.

VOILA.

- HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.
- MY PLEASURE.

OUR PLEASURE.

OH, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
AND DON'T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU

THAT YOU TWO HANG AROUND
TOGETHER TOO MUCH, ALL RIGHT?

JOHNNY, VENUS, IS THIS
TIMING OR WHAT? MUST BE FATE.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO
MEET RAY MARGUSON.

WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING A
COUPLE COMMERCIALS FOR HIM.

RAY, THIS IS JOHNNY
FEVER, VENUS FLYTRAP.

- THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING
THE VOICEOVERS ON YOUR SPOTS.
- NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS.

NICE TO MEET YOU, RAY.

HI, JENNIFER.

- SAY HI, JENNIFER.
- "HI, JENNIFER."

SHE LOVES YOU.

I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO THE OLD
FACTORY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

GREAT MEETING YOU, NICE
DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU,

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING...
OLD HERBIE HAS YOU COVERED.

NOW, LOOK. DRIVE CAREFUL. I DON'T
WANT YOU TO HAVE AN ACCIDENT

AND SPILL ANY OF THAT
12-YEAR-OLD SCOTCH ON YOU, RIGHT?

OKAY. TAKE CARE, BUDDY. SEE YA.

MM!

I SHOULD BE GETTING
KICKBACKS FROM YOU GUYS

FOR TURNING ALL
THIS WORK YOUR WAY.

YOU DO.

- NEVER MENTION THAT TO ANYONE.
- RIGHT.

LISTEN, WHEN DO YOU WANT
TO CUT THESE SPOTS, HERB?

TOMORROW MORNING. YOU
GUYS BE IN HERE AT 10:00 SHARP.

- OKAY.
- I'M HERE ANYWAY.

WANT TO LOOK AT SOME
CARLY SIMON ALBUM COVERS?

OH, YEAH.

UH, JENNY-POO, WOULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

WHAT?

GET CHARLIE BATHGATE
ON THE PHONE FOR ME.

BE REAL OFFICIAL.
MAKE US SOUND BIG-TIME.

AH, WELL, MR. TARLEK.

- BEEN THREATENED RECENTLY?
- EVERYTHING IS COOL, ANDREW.

UH-HUH. EVERYTHING'S
OKAY WITH MARGUSON?

THE GUY IS SIGNED,
SEALED, AND SCHNOCKERED.

- UH, HERBERT?
- HMM?

COULD I SEE YOU IN MR. CARLSON'S
OFFICE HERE A SECOND?

YOU'VE BEEN GETTING LOADED A
LOT LATELY, HAVEN'T YOU, HERBERT?

I'M NOT LOADED. THE BIG
GUY'S LOADED. I'M FINE.

COME ON, BIG GUY. DO
SOMETHING LOADED FOR HIM.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.

I BELIEVE THAT YOU GOT
UPHOLSTERED AT LUNCH TODAY,

AND YOU FORGOT
ALL ABOUT MARGUSON.

YOU'RE WRONG, ANDY.

I FORGOT ABOUT THE MEETING
BEFORE WE STARTED DRINKING.

HEY, BUT I FIXED IT, DIDN'T I?

AND BESIDES, THAT
LUNCHEON WAS IMPORTANT.

OH, BIG GUY, I AM SURPRISED
THAT YOU DIDN'T TELL ANDREW

ABOUT THE BIG DEAL I'M
TRYING TO GET TOGETHER.

I AM IN SERIOUS PAIN HERE!

- WHAT IS THIS DEAL
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
- STRICTLY BIG-TIME, ANDY.

WELL, YOU'RE A
BIG-TIME GUY, HERB.

GONNA BE. THIS GUY BATHGATE

IS A MEDIA BUYER FOR
SWALLER, BATCHMAN AND THOMAS.

RING A BELL? ONE OF CINCINNATI'S

LARGEST AD AGENCIES.

I DON'T DO WELL WITH AD
AGENCIES, BUT THIS TIME,

I'M NOT GONNA HAVE TO DEAL DIRECT
WITH ALL THESE LITTLE RETAILERS.

JUST CHICKEN FEED,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT THIS GUY... THIS GUY,
BATHGATE, IS RESPONSIBLE

FOR $7 MILLION OF
MEDIA MONEY A YEAR,

AND IT'S ALL FOR RADIO AND TV.

THAT'S FINE, HERB, BUT WHAT'S ALL THIS
GOT TO DO WITH YOUR DRINKING PROBLEM?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
DRINKING PROBLEM?

THE ONE I'D LIKE TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

THE ONE YOU WOULD LIKE...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DRINK...

I AM TALKING ABOUT THE
BIGGEST DEAL OF MY LIFE,

AND THIS MAN IS TALKING
ABOUT A DRINK OR TWO.

HERB, LISTEN, YOU DRINK A LOT.

ANDREW, I AM A PROFESSIONAL.

NOW, COME ON. YOU'VE DONE
SALES. YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

BOOZE IS A TOOL. RIGHT, BIG GUY?

- I'M TALKING SERIOUS HERE.
- ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, ANDY. I AM TELLING
YOU SERIOUS, I AM FINE.

THANK YOU FOR CARING.
BUT I CAN HANDLE IT.

I DON'T EVEN DRINK
AT HOME. NEVER.

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW.

MAYBE A FEW BEERS ON
THE WEEKENDS, BUT THAT'S IT.

IT'S BUSINESS.

I AM A PROFESSIONAL,
AND IT'S JUST BUSINESS.

♪♪- HEY, BOBBY. HOW ARE YA?

TEDDY, YOU STILL
SELLING THAT SODA?

GOOD TO SEE YA.

- HERBIE.
- CHARLIE!

HOW ARE YOU, MAN.
YOU'RE STILL STANDING, I SEE.

YOU BETCHA. HOW YOU DOIN'?

FANTASTIC. WELL ENOUGH
FOR A SCOTCH AND WATER.

INKEEP, SCOTCH AND
WATER FOR MY FRIEND,

ONE FOR MY RABBIT, AND
ONE FOR ME. PUT IT ON MY TAB.

YOU DON'T HAVE A TAB.

EVERYBODY'S A COMIC.

HOW'S THE ACTION?

- WEIRD.
- OH, GREAT. I LOVE WEIRD.

HEY, WE ALL DO. YOU KIDDING?

- OOH, CHEERS.
- AH.

- HOW WAS THAT?
- THAT HELPS.

- CHARLIE, TELL ME SOMETHING.
- WHAT?

I DON'T CARE.
ANYTHING. I'M LONELY.

THAT'S GREAT, MAN.
I'M GONNA USE THAT.

USE IT, USE IT. BARTENDER,
TWO MORE, PLEASE.

MAKE 'EM DOUBLES. HOW YOU DOIN'?

THANKS A LOT, BUDDY.

UM, SERIOUSLY, NOW,

ARE YOU EVER GONNA
SEND ANY BUSINESS MY WAY?

OH, EVENTUALLY.

PROBABLY. YEAH, WHY?

NOTHING IMPORTANT JUST
HAD TO TALK ABOUT BUSINESS

FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS SO I CAN
WRITE ALL THIS OFF ON MY EXPENSE ACCOUNT.

- THAT'S GREAT.
- I'M AN ETHICAL GUY.

HEY, TELL ME
ABOUT IT. I'M A BUYER.

I DON'T THINK I'VE BOUGHT A
DINNER OR DRINK IN OVER SIX YEARS.

RIGHT.

AND THAT'S WHY I SAY,

WITH THE PROPER
MILITARY BACKING,

WE CAN GO ANYWHERE
IN THE WORLD AND SAY,

"WE ARE AMERICANS.

GIVE US YOUR GIRLS."

AND IT'S THE SAME WAY WITH WKRP.

IT'S THE SAME WAY.
IT'S ALL ADVERTISING.

- OH, I KNOW THAT.
- I KNOW YOU KNOW.

- I JUST HOPE YOU CARE.
- I DO MORE THAN CARE.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, CHARLIE.

UH-OH.

K... K... K... K...

OH. BUT I WOULD LOVE YOU MORE

IF YOU SENT SOME
BUSINESS MY WAY.

- YOU WANT TO GO EAT NOW?
- OF COURSE.

UH-OH. IT'S 2:00 A.M.

- OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.
- NO.

GEEZ, I GOT TO GO, GO, GO, GO.

I GOT TO TOO.

OH, YEAH.

STOP IT, STOP IT,
STOP IT, STOP IT!

I GOT IT.

CAN YOU... CAN YOU DRIVE HOME?

WELL, I HAVE TO DRIVE
BECAUSE I CAN'T WALK.

CAN YOU DRIVE ME HOME?
BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE.

ABSOLUTELY.

I CAN'T SEE YOU EITHER.

HEY, BAILEY.

BOY, YOU LOOK GOOD.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE HERB IS?

- UH, NO, I DON'T.
- SUPPOSED TO CUT
SOME COMMERCIALS.

HE'S AN HOUR LATE.

- IS HERB HERE YET?
- YOU DIDN'T HEAR?

SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION.
HE JUST WENT UP IN FLAME.

NOTHING LEFT BUT A
PILE OF SYNTHETIC ASH.

WELL, IF HE DOESN'T COME
BACK IN A HALF AN HOUR,

YOU TWO CAN TAKE ME TO LUNCH.

NO, NO, NO. DEEJAYS DON'T TAKE.
WE GET TAKEN. THAT'S BUSINESS.

- I WANT TO GET TAKEN.
- BUY SOME SWAMPLAND.

I THINK NESSMAN
JUST MADE A JOKE.

PART OF MY IMAGE. A LITTLE MORE
SHOW BIZ, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T THINK YOU NEED IT.

I DON'T THINK IT'S A
QUESTION OF NEED.

IT CERTAINLY ISN'T.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

NOTHING, MAN. I JUST THINK
YOU'RE FUNNY THE WAY YOU ARE.

- LOOK, JOHNNY...
- LES.

- WHAT?
- YOU'RE FIXATING.

OH, YES, YOU'RE
RIGHT. I'M SORRY. IT'S...

THANK YOU, BAILEY. I'M SORRY.

Johnny: TARLEK!

ARE WE GONNA CUT
THOSE SPOTS OR WHAT?

- SPOTS FOR WHAT?
- THE RECORD SHOP GUY.

OH. YEAH.

RIGHT, UH... TELL YOU WHAT.

WE'LL, UH, DO IT A
LITTLE LATER, HUH?

SORRY. I FORGOT.

YOU JUST FORGOT?

- ROUGH NIGHT LAST NIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- YOU'D BETTER LOOK OUT.

I KNOW, I KNOW. THANK
YOU. I CAN HANDLE IT.

JUST... JUST IN A LITTLE
PAIN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AGING SCOTCH.

THAT'S PATHETIC.

LOOK, HERB, VENUS AND I

ARE SUPPOSED TO GET 35 BUCKS
APIECE FOR CUTTING THESE SPOTS.

NOW, HOW ABOUT IT?

- WE'LL DO IT TOMORROW.
- YOU SAID TODAY.

OKAY, NOW, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'M ON A ROLL THESE DAYS.

KEEP SUCKING THAT JUICE, YOU'RE
GONNA ROLL YOUR LIFE AWAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

JUST LISTEN FOR A SECOND, OKAY?

I AM WORKING ON THE
BIGGEST DEAL OF MY LIFE,

AND IT'S ALL RIGHT IF I
FORGET ABOUT SOME

PENNY-ANTE 30-SECOND
SPOT, DIG ET VOUS?

LET'S HIT IT, MAN.
THIS IS JUST JIVE.

- YOU'RE A CERTIFIED...
- COME ON, DON'T WASTE
YOUR BREATH.

IS IT JUST ME, OR IS THERE
SOME TENSION IN THIS ROOM?

I THINK IT'S TENSE.

BEAUTIFUL.

OH, CHARLIE. OH, LISTEN.

DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO LOOK OVER
THAT STUFF I LEFT WITH YOU A MONTH AGO?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, I SURE DID.

WHAT STUFF'S THAT?

COME ON. YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THAT PACKAGE THAT SAYS
WHY THE AGENCY YOU WORK FOR

SHOULD PUT COMMERCIALS ON
THE RADIO STATION I WORK FOR.

OH. YEAH, I REMEMBER.

WELL?

OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT.

GREAT. LET'S SLIDE OVER TO
YOUR OFFICE AND SIGN SOME STUFF.

- OH, I'D LOVE TO...
- ALL RIGHT.

IF I STILL HAD THE OFFICE.

WHAT?

WELL, I'VE STILL GOT AN OFFICE

UNTIL I FIND ANOTHER JOB.

I'M NOT WITH THE AGENCY
ANYMORE. YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.

WHAT?

YEAH, YEAH. I GOT FIRED
A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

YOU KNOW HOW THOSE GUYS ARE.

ANY EXCUSE, AND... PFFT!

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. I DON'T
DRINK THAT MUCH EITHER, YOU KNOW?

SURE.

I THOUGHT I TOLD
YOU ALL ABOUT IT.

NO-NO, YOU DIDN'T.

OH, GEE, I THOUGHT I HAD.

DO YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

- WHAT?
- ANOTHER DRINK?

OH. YEAH, SURE. WHY NOT?

ALL RIGHT.

UH, TINGLE.

- HERB.
- OH, JOHN.

- I THINK YOUR TICKET CAME IN.
- WHAT?

YOU REMEMBER A COUPLE WEEKS
AGO, THE IRISH SWEEPSTAKES TICKET?

WE RAN DOWN ALL THE
NUMBERS IN THE SERIES.

I THINK THAT YOU HAVE A
THOUSAND-DOLLAR WINNER, MY FRIEND.

- REALLY?
- YEAH. BIG MONEY.

WHERE'S THE TICKET?

UH... IN MY DESK.

NOT ACCORDING TO LES.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY TICKET.

- YOU WERE POLLUTED.
- WHEN?

- I WANT TO SEE YOU RIGHT NOW.
- WHAT FOR?

- NOT YOU.
- WHY NOT?

- I WANT TO SEE HIM.
- HOW COME?

STOP IT, LES.

YOU SMELL LIKE A DISTILLERY.

COME ON. I'VE GOT ON ABOUT
SIX BUCKS' WORTH OF COLOGNE.

YOU AND I ARE GONNA
HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT.

SPARE ME, PLEASE, TRAVIS.

- I'M NOT KIDDING. I TALKED TO
YOU ABOUT THIS BEFORE, AND...
- AND WHAT?

I COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, YOU SIGNED
A GUY TO A CLEAN, SIMPLE LITTLE DEAL

FOR SOME COMMERCIALS
FOR HIS RECORD STORE.

OH, MY GOD. MARGUSON.

THAT'S RIGHT, MARGUSON.
NOW, YOU LET THAT SLIDE.

AND YOU LET IT SLIDE AND SLIDE
AND SLIDE. NOW THAT GUY HAS

PULLED THOSE COMMERCIALS AND
SIGNED WITH PIG, SO NICE GOING.

- MAYBE I CAN FIX IT.
- IT'S PAST FIXING, HERB.

NOW, YOU'RE MESSING UP.

THAT'S GOT TO STOP.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU

THAT I WAS HAVING
SERIOUS TROUBLES AT HOME?

OHH...

- IS THAT TRUE?
- NO.

BUT IF IT WERE, MY BEHAVIOR
WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE, RIGHT?

MAYBE, HERB, BUT
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

SURE, IT'S THE POINT.
ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR, RIGHT?

WHY IS IT OKAY FOR
CERTAIN PEOPLE TO COME

FLOATING IN HERE ON WHO-KNOWS-WHAT,
BUT IF I HAVE ONE DRINK...

I DON'T CARE WHAT
PEOPLE'S HOBBIES ARE,

BUT I DO CARE ABOUT THE
QUALITY OF THEIR WORK,

AND I DON'T CARE WHO IT
IS IF THEY START BLOWING IT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
- I WANT YOU TO SHAPE UP.

SO WHAT'S NEW, TRAVIS?

WHY DON'T YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING?

BECAUSE I'M THE
STRONG, SILENT TYPE.

WHATCHA DOIN'?

UH, JUST WAITING FOR A CALL
FROM THIS GUY MARGUSON.

AH, GOOD. JUST KIND OF
SENSE HE'S GONNA CALL, HUH?

NO, I CALLED BEFORE, AND THEY
SAID HE'D CALL ME BACK ABOUT NOW.

UH-HUH.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

TRAVIS WAS WAY OUT
OF LINE THIS AFTERNOON.

EH, MAYBE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY
SOMETHING IN THERE?

WELL, I COULDN'T,
'CAUSE I AGREED WITH HIM.

HE PRACTICALLY
CALLED ME AN ALCOHOLIC.

STATISTICALLY, YOU ARE.

- WHAT?
- YEAH.

PEOPLE WHO DRINK EVERY DAY ARE
CONSIDERED ALCOHOLICS. YOU DRINK EVERY DAY?

YEAH.

- DO YOU NEED TO?
- NO, NO, NO.

NO, I DON'T NEED TO.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHY I DO.

IT, UH... IT HELPS ME IN MY JOB.

YOU KNOW,

HERB DOESN'T GET TO BE
MELLOW OR LAID-BACK, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO ALWAYS HAVE TO BE UP?

I'VE ALWAYS GOT TO BE ON,

REGARDLESS OF WHAT KIND
OF JERK I'M DEALING WITH.

SO I JUST USE IT FOR A CRUTCH.

AH. WELL, I'M NOT LECTURING YOU,

'CAUSE WE ALL HAVE OUR LITTLE
WAYS OF DEALING WITH THINGS.

IN FACT, I HAVE TROUBLE
DEALING WITH PEOPLE,

SO I HAVE JENNIFER
TELL THEM I'M DEAD.

THAT'S MY LITTLE
CRUTCH, I GUESS.

THAT'S A TOOL.

A TOOL?

WELL, IT'S A TOOL
IF IT HELPS YOU.

BUT WHAT IF IT STARTS TO
INTERFERE, GET IN THE WAY?

IF YOU WEREN'T SO UP, SO ON,

WOULDN'T YOU HAVE NOTICED
THAT THIS ADVERTISING AGENCY GUY

WAS A NO-GO A LOT EARLIER?

HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

AH, HERB, YOU'RE
A GREAT SALESMAN.

HECK, WITHOUT THAT CRUTCH, YOU'D
HAVE SOLD THAT GUY A LONG TIME AGO.

BUT IT-IT LOOKED LIKE
THE START OF BIG TIMES.

I COULD JUST SEE IT COMING.

A CASE OF BLURRED VISION.

HOWEVER, I'M NOT LECTURING.

- NO.
- YEAH.

YOU, UH... YOU THINK
I'M AN ALCOHOLIC?

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO. YEAH, THIS IS HE.

AH. MR. MARGUSON. HOW
ARE YOU DOING THIS EVENING?

LOOK, RAY, THE REASON I CALLED

WAS TO STRAIGHTEN OUT
THIS LITTLE MESS WE GOT...

PARDON ME?

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO THANK ME?

SWEEPSTAKES?

OH, IT DID, HUH?

THE THOUSAND BUCKS, RIGHT?

FIVE THOU-THOUSAND?

NO, THAT'S... THAT'S GOOD.

I'M REAL GLAD.

I TELL YOU WHAT. WHY DON'T
YOU AND I GET TOGETHER

AND HAVE A COUPLE OF DRINKS AND
TALK ABOUT ADVERTISING WITH US?

I-I KNOW. I KNOW.

WHY SHOULD YOU?

YES. YES, I KNOW. I'M
MORE THAN LUCKY. I...

GOOD NIGHT.

- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
- WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, I, UH... I GAVE AWAY

A $5,000 TICKET, AND
I DON'T REMEMBER IT.

I'VE BEEN HUNG OVER FOR A MONTH,

I GOT TAKEN BY A DRUNK AND
DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HAPPENING,

I HAVEN'T SEEN MY KIDS IN WEEKS.

IT HASN'T BEEN A GOOD MONTH.

HERB, MAYBE SOMEBODY UP THERE
IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

HOWEVER, I... I'M NOT LECTURING.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

YOU KNOW, HERB, REALLY,

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
IN TOO BAD A SHAPE.

BUT I LET IT GET AHEAD OF ME.

AH.

OH, MAYBE TRAVIS IS RIGHT.

MAYBE I AM MESSING UP.

MAYBE I AM A DRUNK.

MAYBE. AND THEN
AGAIN, MAYBE I'M DEAD.

- SERIOUSLY.
- LOOK, HERB,

MAYBE YOU ARE HEADED FOR A
PROBLEM, BUT I DON'T REALLY THINK SO.

SURE, YOU LET THIS THING
GET A LITTLE OUT OF HAND,

BUT, HECK, YOU CAN
NIP THIS IN THE BUD,

STOP IT BEFORE IT
REALLY GETS SERIOUS.

WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS... IS SEE

WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT HERE, SEE,

AND TAKE A LOOK AT
WHERE YOU'RE HEADED.

- YEAH.
- HOWEVER, I'M NOT LECTURING.

I BELIEVE... DID I
SAY THAT BEFORE?

- YES.
- YEAH.

HOWEVER, THERE IS ONE
THING I DO WANT TO KNOW,

AND I WANT TO HAVE
AN HONEST ANSWER.

SURE.

DID YOU MAKE THIS
SCOTCH YOURSELF?

UH... WELL, SORT OF.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, BIG GUY.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DRINK
THAT STUFF. THAT'LL KILL YOU.

THAT'S MY THINKING EXACTLY.

Both: NOT THAT I'M LECTURING...

- CUP OF COFFEE?
- YOU GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

Man: WKRP IN CINCINNATI

WILL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

WELL, MR. TARLEK.

- YOU'RE LOOKING BRIGHT-EYED
AND BUSHY-TAILED TODAY.
- OH, YEAH.

- WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING, NOTHING.

UH, LOOK, I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE

FOR BEING SUCH AN
IDIOT THE OTHER DAY.

- I JUST, UH...
- DON'T MENTION IT.

WE KNOW YOU CAN'T HELP IT.

- LOOK, HAVE YOU HAD LUNCH.
- NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

- IT'S ON ME.
- ALL RIGHT.

HEY, UH, WHERE ARE
YOU GUYS GOING?

LUNCH.

OH. WHAT ARE YOU GOING AS?

- WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US?
- REALLY?

- SURE. HERB'S BUYING.
- OH, WOW. THAT'S GREAT.

CAN YOU JUST WAIT ONE SECOND?

HEY, LES.

COME ON, HURRY UP.
HERB'S TAKING US TO LUNCH.

OOH! COME ON, JOHNNY,
LUNCH. COME ON, VENUS.