WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 13 - Dr. Fever and Mr. Tide: Part 1 - full transcript

AH-AH-AH! COUNTRY
AND WESTERN IS BLUE.

GREAT. I GOTTA SPIN MY
MORNING COLOR CODING ALBUMS

WHILE ANDY'S OFF
SOMEWHERE HAVING A VACATION.

HOT MIC.

AVAILABLE NOW AT THE
GREATER CINCINNATI AREA

AND IT'S 20 MINUTES BEFORE
10 ON THE MIGHTY KRP,

THIS IS YOUR HOUSE PHYSICIAN

DELVING DEEP INTO
HIS LITTLE BLACK BAG

FOR A DOSE OF MEDICINAL MUSIC

FROM WAY BACK IN
1965! MR. WILSON PICKETT!

YOU KNOW IT REALLY
HURTS ME TO THINK



YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS MAN.

I MEAN I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS! SO SHALLOW!

NO. I THINK IT'LL BE FUN AND
GOOD FOR YOUR CAREER, JOHNNY.

WHAT CAREER?

HE'S GOT A CAREER, HE
DOESN'T NEED A CAREER.

RIGHT. ALL I NEED IS MONEY.

IT'S ALWAYS THE MONEY, ISN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, YOU USED
TO BE MY IDOL MAN?

- YEAH.
- 'CAUSE YOU WERE DIFFERENT.

I MEAN YOU STAYED AWAY
FROM THINGS LIKE THIS.

NEED I REMIND YOU

THAT I HAVE TWO GROWING
EX-WIVES TO SUPPORT?

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA HOW MUCH IT COST

TO KEEP BITTER,
VINDICTIVE WOMEN HAPPY?



YOU DID TELEVISION
BEFORE, DIDN'T YOU, JOHNNY?

UH, YEAH, ONCE I DID
A LITTLE COMMERCIAL.

- IT WASN'T VERY GOOD THOUGH.
- IT WAS GOOD.

IT WAS "150 ROCK 'N' ROLL
CLASSICS FOR A DOLLAR."

YEAH, IT WASN'T GOOD, THEY
WERE ABOUT 20 SECONDS LONG.

YEAH, BUT YOU WERE GOOD.

SEE, UH, ALL I'M GONNA DO IS
DO WHAT I'M DOIN' RIGHT HERE.

BUT THEY'RE GONNA
POINT THE CAMERA AT ME,

AND THEY'RE GONNA
GIVE ME 500 BUCKS A WEEK.

ANDY SAYS HE THINKS IT'LL
HELP BUILD AN AUDIENCE

FOR MY MORNING SHOW.

- HE NEEDS THE MONEY.
- I DO NEED THE MONEY.

- I OWE BAILEY...
- A LOT!

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE OWES ME?

YEAH, I-I, YEAH, I
KNOW, I OWE YOU TOO.

FOR WHAT I THINK WERE
RIGGED FOOTBALL GAMES.

THEY WERE NOT RIGGED.

COME ON, MAN.

THERE WAS SOMETHING DEEPLY
WEIRD ABOUT THAT OHIO STATE GAME.

YOU LOST THAT GAME
FAIR AND SQUARE, MR. TV.

I AM NOT MR. TV.

AND-AND THAT'S THE
WHOLE POINT, MAN.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT TELEVISION,

YOU NEVER SEE ROCK 'N ROLL
REALLY PRESENTED WELL, YOU KNOW.

AND I THINK I'VE GOT A
CHANCE HERE TO KINDA MAKE...

DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA
LET YOU DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO?

WELL, THEY HIRED ME.

NOW, I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GONNA

PAY ME FOR SOMETHING I CAN'T DO.

VENUS, I THINK YOU'RE JEALOUS.

- JEALOUS?
- YEAH.

I CAN DO TELEVISION,
I'VE DONE IT BEFORE.

OH!

YEAH, NOT OFTEN, BUT I DID IT.

YEAH? WHAT DID YOU DO?

KIDDY SHOW.

A WHAT?

A KIDDY SHOW.

UNCLE VENUS?

NO, I WAS SAILOR NED.

SAILOR NED.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE.

ANYWAY, BAILEY, I
WANT YOU TO KNOW

I APPRECIATE YOUR
SUPPORT IN THIS.

AND YOU GOT IT, JOHNNY.

YEAH, SO YOU'LL TAKE
ME DOWN THERE, HUH?

OH, NO, JOHNNY,

I'VE-I'VE GOT, UH,
SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO DO.

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I
REMEMBER IT AS BEING

SOMETHING EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN THERE.

OH, NO MAN.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO
COME NEAR A TV STATION.

SOME OF IT MIGHT RUB OFF ON YOU.

NO, I'LL TAKE YOU IN THERE, SO
YOU WON'T BUMP IN ANYTHING.

NO, NO, NO, NO I'LL
WALK, I'LL HITCHHIKE.

I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

NO, I WANNA TAKE YOU.

IT'S AWFUL HARD TO
SAY NO TO UNCLE NED.

- SAILOR NED.
- I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW I...

HAD A LITTLE DANCE...

LITTLE... HO HO TO DO DO...

YEAH, I HAD MY OWN THEME
SONG AND EVERYTHING.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI... ♪

HEY, JOHN, THIS
IS SHOW BUSINESS.

YEAH.

I JUST ASKED HER FOR A
COUPLE OF GOOD TURNTABLES,

YOU KNOW, BUT...

JOHN! THERE HE IS,
THE STAR OF OUR SHOW.

- HEY, HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HA-HA!

UH, THIS IS MY MAN,
VENUS FLYTRAP.

THIS IS AVIS DROPKIN,
SHE HIRED ME.

- OH, HI.
- I KNOW VENUS.

I LISTEN TO YOU ALL THE
TIME, I LOVE YOUR STUFF.

- THANK YOU.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,

YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT FOR
ANOTHER SHOW WE'RE DEVELOPING.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

WELL, I...

- HE DOESN'T LIKE TELEVISION.
- OH, YEAH, I DO.

YEAH, I USED TO BE, UH, NED,

- A LITTLE DANCE AND...
- YEAH.

REALLY! EXCUSE ME, JUST
ONE SECOND, WILL YOU?

I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR
YOU, YOU STAY RIGHT THERE.

MAX! WHERE'S THAT STANDUP?

ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT BEING POOR.

YEAH, I SEE WHY
YOU TOOK THIS GIG,

THAT'S A NICE LOOKIN' LADY.

OH, COME ON. YOU DON'T
THINK ANOTHER PRETTY FACE'S

- GONNA TURN MY HEAD, DO YOU?
- RIGHT OFF YOUR SHOULDERS.

HEY, MAN, I MEAN IT'S JUST
FOR THE MONEY, YOU KNOW.

THAT IS ALL. THE REST
OF THIS IS JUST GRAVY.

WISH I HAD A BISCUIT.

Man On PA: OKAY,
HEAT 'EM UP, GEORGE.

HEY, MAN! THIS IS
INCREDIBLE! LOOK AT THIS!

YEAH, THIS KINDA MAKES
YOU WANNA DANCE,

- DOESN'T THAT?
- YEAH.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS, JOHN.

OKAY, MAX, BRING IT RIGHT
UP HERE, RIGHT THERE.

SET IT RIGHT DOWN
THERE, THAT'S IT.

HO-HO!

WHAT DO YOU THINK, JOHN?

WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT'S YOU!
DON'T YOU SEE IT?

- ME?
- YEAH.

W-WHY, WHAT IS IT FOR?

WE'RE GONNA PUT THESE IN
EVERY RECORD STORE IN CINCINNATI

AND THAT IS JUST THE BEGINNING.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, AVIS.

UH... COME ON, IT'S-IT'S
BAD TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY.

TH-TH-THE HEAD 'S TOO
SMALL FOR THE BODY.

- IT IS?
- OH, DON'T WORRY, IT'LL WORK.

YOUR HEAD IS TOO
SMALL FOR YOUR BODY.

THANK YOU, NED.

SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.

BARRY MANILOW, BARRY
GIBB, BARRY WHITE.

YOU FORGOT BARRY GOLDWATER.

GEE. I'M... I'M SORRY. I
THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT.

NOT TOO MUCH.

WELL, YOU'LL GET USED
TO IT. IT'S TELEVISION.

I-I-I CAN'T PLAY THIS STUFF.

I MEAN, HERE, I-I BROUGHT
SOME RECORDS SEE,

- UH, ALLMAN BROTHERS, - JOHN.

- RAY CHARLES, - JOHNNY!

- BUDDY HOLLY...
- JOHNNY, LISTEN TO ME.

THIS IS JUST FOR
THE OPENING SHOW.

IT'S JUST FOR THE PREMIER.

GET IT OFF TO A BIG
PUSH, YOU KNOW.

THEN WE'LL GO FROM THERE.

WHY DON'T WE PUSH OFF
IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?

TRUST ME. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

NOW YOU'RE JUST A
LITTLE NERVOUS, THAT'S ALL.

WE'RE GETTING CLOSE TO AIRTIME,
I THINK YOU BETTER CHANGE.

- CHANGE?
- INTO WHAT?

OH, HA-HA-HA, VERY FUNNY.

I-I WAS JUST GONNA
WEAR THIS, YOU KNOW.

OH, JOHNNY, NO YOU
CAN'T WEAR THAT.

YOU GOT A WHOLE WARDROBE
IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM,

IT'S OVER THERE.

AND YOU'RE GONNA
NEED SOME MAKEUP.

NOW I LISTEN, I TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU GO ON OVER AND I'LL
MEET YOU THERE. OKAY?

MAX, YOU MADE THAT
DAMN HEAD TOO SMALL.

WARDROBE.

PROBABLY A CLOWN SUIT!

I TOLD YOU THIS
WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

WELL, IT BETTER NOT
HAPPEN LIKE THAT

OR IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN AT ALL,

I JUST HAVE TO STRAIGHTEN
HER OUT, IT'S SIMPLE.

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU
CAN PUT ON SOME MAKEUP.

MAYBE SOME ROUGE,
LITTLE LIPSTICK.

YEAH, YEAH. IS THAT WHAT
FIREMAN NED USED TO DO?

Venus: SAILOR NED.

WELL, THIS IS MY DRESSING ROOM.

AT LEAST UNTIL SHE GETS HERE.

WOW! THIS IS NICE!

WELL, IT'S JUST A
DRESSING ROOM, MAN.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T THINK THE
DOCTOR IS GONNA BE BOUGHT OUT

BY A DRESSING ROOM
WITH A FULLY STOCKED BAR.

I WONDER WHEN SHE'S
GONNA DO THE OTHER SHOW.

YOUR SHOW?

- YEAH, YEAH, JUST A THOUGHT.
- YEAH.

WELL, YOU'LL PROBABLY
FIND OUT REAL SOON, PAL.

SHE'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE CALL,

AND INVITE YOU OUT FOR DINNER.

BOY, WE MUST HAVE PUT
DOWN ABOUT FIVE BOTTLES

OF THIS OVER OUR DINNER.

- I BET YOU DID.
- YEAH.

WHERE'D YOU SIGN THE CONTRACT?

AT THE DINNER TABLE
OR AT HER APARTMENT?

WELL, I REALLY DON'T REMEMBER.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST A
STANDARD CONTRACT, NOTHING MUCH.

WELL, I HOPE YOU HAD
A LAWYER LOOK IT OVER.

HEY MAN! I CAN READ!

I HAVE SIGNED A FEW
CONTRACTS IN MY DAY, YOU KNOW.

HOW DO YOU THINK
I GOT WHERE I AM?

Avis: KNOCK, KNOCK.
ARE YOU DECENT?

NO, I'M NOT. YOU
HURRY ON IN HERE.

- HA-HA! OH, YOU ARE FUNNY.
- YEAH.

- CHAMPAGNE!
- MM-HMM.

PERFECT.

- MIND IF I POUR MYSELF ONE?
- HELP YOURSELF.

NOT TOO MUCH FOR YOU
BEFORE AIRTIME THOUGH.

YEAH.

UH, ABOUT AIRTIME, AVIS, UH...

WE GOTTA HAVE A LITTLE CHAT HERE

'CAUSE I THINK WE
GOT SOME PROBLEMS.

OH! WAIT A MINUTE! YOU
HAVEN'T CHANGED YET, YOUR SUIT.

I TELL YOU I DON'T KNOW
WHERE MY HEAD IS TODAY.

I COMPLETELY FORGOT
TO SHOW YOU YOUR SUIT.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE THESE, JOHNNY.

HOLY COW! THAT'S REALLY NICE.

- THEY ARE THE...
- DISCO SUITS.

YEAH.

- I'M SUPPOSED TO WEAR THESE?
- YEAH.

WHAT IF PEOPLE ARE EATING
WHILE THEY'RE WATCHING?

JOHNNY, WHAT IS WRONG?
I-I PICKED THESE OUT MYSELF.

OH, WELL, UH...

IT'S JUST ALL DISCO,
YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

DISCO IS DEAD, THANK GOD.

JOHN, THIS IS A DANCE SHOW.

IT'S VISUAL. IT'S PHYSICAL.

- IT'S TV.
- YEAH.

I MEAN KIDS DON'T DANCE
TO THE GRATEFUL DEAD.

I MEAN, I LOVE 'EM, YOU
LOVE 'EM, WE ALL DO.

LET'S GET A LITTLE MELLOW
AND LISTEN TO THEM SOMETIME.

BUT NOT HERE.

HERE IS DIFFERENT, RIGHT BABY?

HERE WE DANCE.

SO LET'S GET DRESSED.

AVIS, I DON'T DO DISCO.
IT'S LIKE THE MAN SAYS,

"IT'S GOTTA BE
ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC

IF YOU WANNA DANCE WITH ME."

WELL, JOHNNY.

LIKE THE LADY SAYS,
"LET'S GET DRESSED."

- I REMEMBER THAT.
- GOOD.

UH,

WELL, THEN WHY DON'T I
DRESS LIKE I'M DRESSED

AND, UH, PLAY THE
RECORDS THAT I PLAY?

I'M SORRY. NO.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE IT'S
TIME FOR "GOT TO WALK."

JOHN, UH...

YOU SEE, JOHN WON'T
PLAY WHAT YOU WANT.

- JUST A MOMENT PLEASE.
- YES.

JUST A MOMENT.

JOHNNY, A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAVE WORKED VERY HARD

ON "GOT TO DANCE"
TO MAKE IT WORK.

LOT OF JOBS ARE ON THE
LINE HERE, INCLUDING MINE.

I'M SORRY.

HE'S SORRY. HE REALLY IS SORRY.

SO, YOU SEE, YOU
CANNOT LEAVE NOW.

NOT AT THIS LATE DATE.

WE ARE ON THE AIR IN 45 MINUTES.

YEAH, UH, I DIDN'T KNOW
IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THIS.

- HE DIDN'T KNOW.
- NO.

CAN'T YOU JUST FIND
SOMEBODY ELSE?

YOU COULD FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.

I'VE TO, UH...
SAMURAI NED IS HERE.

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE.

I WANT JOHNNY FEVER.

LOOK, JOHN, I THINK
WHAT WE SHOULD DO,

IS JUST CUT RIGHT
TO THE CHASE HERE.

NOW IF YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR,

THEY'RE GONNA CALL
THAT BREACH OF CONTRACT.

THEY? UH, WHO'RE "THEY"?

THE PEOPLE WHO OWN THIS STATION

AND FIVE OTHER ONES.

NOW I WON'T BE ABLE TO STOP THEM

FROM SUING YOU, AND THEY WILL.

SO LET 'EM.

JOHNNY...

DO YOU THINK I WANNA
SEE THAT HAPPEN?

I MEAN AFTER...

BABY, COME ON.

YOU EVER TRIED TO GET
BLOOD OUT OF A STONE.

WELL, STONE'S HIS MIDDLE NAME.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I'M NOT
MAKING MYSELF REAL CLEAR HERE.

OUR BACKS ARE UP
AGAINST THE WALL.

OH! JOHNNY!

I CARE ABOUT YOU!

I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU
ENDING UP WITH NOTHING.

WELL, LISTEN HONEY, UH,

I'VE BEEN LIVIN' ON NEXT TO
NOTHING FOR MOST OF MY LIFE.

WELL, LISTEN
HONEY, YOU TRY LIVIN'

ON A FOURTH OF NEXT TO NOTHING
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

BECAUSE IT'LL MEAN
GARNISHMENT OF YOUR SALARY

AND THEY WILL DO IT.

NOW, BABY DON'T BE A FOOL.

I HAVE BIG PLANS
FOR YOU IN THIS SHOW.

AND IF YOU SCREW THAT
UP, THEY'LL MAKE YOU PAY.

DON'T YOU THINK THEY WON'T?

CAN'T YOU JUST PLEASE
FIND SOMEBODY ELSE?

I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY ELSE!

I HIRED YOU!

JOHNNY FEVER TO GET OUT
THERE AND SMILE AND LAUGH

AND DANCE AND SHAKE YOUR BOOTY

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THOSE
KIDS EXPECTIN' MY DARLING.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU
ARE GOING TO GIVE THEM.

NOW, I'M SORRY THAT...

WE HAVE TO TALK LIKE
THIS. I DON'T LIKE IT.

I'M A NICE PERSON,
YOU KNOW THAT.

SO WHY DON'T YOU
SHAVE, PICK OUT AN OUTFIT,

AND GET READY TO DANCE?

AND I'M GONNA GO OUT
AND FINISH SETTING UP,

AND I WILL BE OUT
THERE WAITING FOR YOU.

AND ONE MORE THING...

- GOOD LUCK, BABY.
- OH.

I LOVE YOU.

SEE YOU THERE.

- DOESN'T WORRY ME.
- NAH!

HEY, ARE YOU GONNA SPLIT?

UH, YEAH, YEAH, UH.

I GOTTA GET BACK TO RADIO.

- YOU REMEMBER RADIO?
- HOW ABOUT YOU?

WELL, UH, NO, NO, I THINK,

I-I BETTER STAY HERE AND
JUST MAKE IT REAL CLEAR

WHERE I STAND ON TELEVISION.

YEAH, I THINK YOU
SHOULD TALK TO HER.

YEAH, I'M-I'M GONNA HAVE
TO TALK TO HER, YEAH.

YEAH, AND-AND-AND ABSOLUTELY.

AND YOU SHOULD
START BY TELLING HER

WHAT YOU WON'T PLAY,
WHAT YOU WON'T WEAR.

RIGHT, RECORDS AND
CLOTHS AND EVERYTHING.

- YEAH.
- RIGHT, BYE-BYE.

- HEY, VENUS.
- YEAH.

UH, I-I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.

- HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE?
- I DUNNO.

WELL, THIS SET DOESN'T WORK.

Herb: I NEED MORE CORD.

WHAT?

Herb: I NEED MORE CORD.

OH, I'D BE SO NERVOUS, I
DON'T SEE HOW HE CAN DO IT.

COME ON, TURN IT ON.

YES, SIR.

I WANNA SEE SOMEBODY I
KNOW PERSONALLY ON TV.

Herb: I NEED MORE CORD.

HERB, THAT'S ALL THE
CORD YOU'RE GONNA GET.

YES, MA'AM. OH, IT-IT-IT'S ON.

OH, I'D BE GOING CRAZY.

- HERE IT COMES, HERE WE GO.
- I'D BE FAINTING BY NOW.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
BAILEY, BIG DEAL.

I WAS ON TV ONCE,

COAST TO COAST, "REAL
FAMILIES," REMEMBER THAT?

THAT'S RIGHT, HERB. YOU
WERE A NATIONAL DISGRACE.

- THIS IS ONLY LOCAL.
- RIGHT.

VENUS, YOU-YOU GOT HERE.

JUST IN TIME TO SEE WHAT
THEY'RE GONNA DO WITH OUR FEVER.

- WHAT?
- BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.

YEAH, BUT MY MAN
TURNED 'EM DOWN.

I'M PRETTY SURE HE DID.

- WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?
- HEY, I DON'T KNOW.

- SSSHHH, IT'S STARTING.
- HERE WE GO.

Announcer on TV: GET
READY CINCINNATI,

'CAUSE HERE'S THE SHOW THAT'S
GOT THE TOWN'S TOES A-TAPPIN'

"GOTTA DANCE!"

AND HERE'S YOUR HOST,

OUR OWN AFTERNOON
CONSULTING PHYSICIAN,

THE MAN HIMSELF,
DR. JOHNNY FEVER!

HOWDY HI GUYS AND GALS?

HEY, IT'S TIME FOR
"GOTTA DANCE."

AND WE GOT A STACK OF WHACKS
IN THE BEAT FOR YOUR FEET,

BUT FIRST FEW WORDS
ABOUT DR. JOHNNY FEVER.

TURNS OUT THE CAT
WAS A PRIMA DONNA.

SO WHO NEEDS HIM, HUH?

RIGHT. MAN WAS DEFINITELY
STUCK BACK IN THE 60'S

AND THESE ARE THE 80'S,

SO LET'S MOVE WITH TODAY.

LET'S MOVE WITH THE GROOVE.

LET'S RIDE THE TIDE
AND THAT'S ME, RIP TIDE.

AND I GOTTA DANCE!

ALL RIGHT!

LET'S DO IT,
CINCINNATI. YOU READY?

LET'S START OFF WITH
THAT ENCHANTRESS

FROM THE SILVER SCREEN,

THE INCREDIBLY SOULFUL MS.
OBLIVIOUS, "NEUTRON BOMB."

♪ A PLACE WHERE
NOBODY DARED TO GO ♪

♪ THE LOVE THAT
WE CAME TO KNOW ♪

♪ THEY CALL IT XANADU ♪

GOOD GRAVY.

PUKE.

AMAZING.

- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
- I DON'T EITHER.

I MEAN IMAGINE JOHNNY QUITTING
AND GIVING UP ALL THAT MONEY.

HERB!

THAT IS JOHNNY.

I KNEW THAT.

HE KNEW THAT.

HE ALWAYS KNOWS THAT.

♪ WHAT WE HAVE MADE IS REAL ♪

♪ WE ARE IN XANADU ♪

MY, JOHNNY IS ALL OVER

THE ENTERTAINMENT
SECTION THIS MORNING.

YOU MEAN "RIP TIDE." WHY?

WHY COULDN'T HE BECOME
FAMOUS HERE AT 'KRP?

LOOK, THIS REVIEW SAYS
HE IS THE HOTTEST THING

TO HIT CINCINNATI SINCE
ROSEMARY CLOONEY.

WHY DID HE DO IT? AMAZING!

I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

WHY WOULD HE MAKE SUCH
A FOOL OUT OF HIMSELF?

I THOUGHT HE DID
A VERY NICE JOB.

OH, IT WAS SICKENING.

OKAY, IT WAS SICKENING,

BUT IT WORKED. SO IT'S GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
IT WAS BAD OR GOOD.

I GUESS THAT'S A
POINT IN MY FAVOR.

HE'S A STAR, A TV STAR.

HE'S ONLY BEEN ON ONE DAY, HERB.

AND THAT'S HOW IT
IS IN TELEVISION, LES.

YOU GOT ONE DAY TO
MAKE IT OR YOU'RE GONE.

- HI BAILEY.
- HI JOHN.

- LES.
- OOH!

THANK YOU.

HI BIG JOHN.

HO-HOW-HOW'S THE GUY?
UH, HOW YOU FEELING?

SAME AS USUAL.

- DID YOU SEE THE PAPER?
- OH!

I MEAN, DID-DID YOU SEE
YOUR PICTURE IN THE PAPER?

HERB, IT'S A BUNCH
OF HYPE, OKAY?

OH, NO. I'LL GET
THAT. I'LL GET THAT.

AH, THANKS.

SO, UH, DID YOU LIKE "RIPTIDE"?

OH, I LOVED HIM.

- IT WAS GENIUS. I MEAN GENIUS!
- YEAH?

- OH, EVERYBODY LOVES YOU.
- THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME, RIP.

BAILEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHY DON'T YOU WASH THAT
STUFF OUT OF YOUR HAIR?

I TRIED, IT WON'T COME OUT.

BUT WHAT DID YOU THINK OF "RIP"?

OH, WELL, I, UH... GEE, UH...

JOHNNY I, I...

I THOUGHT IT WAS INTERESTING,

VERY INTERESTING.

TELL THE TRUTH.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

OH, JOHNNY, I HATED IT.

WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHY?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS
TO YOURSELF, JOHNNY?

I-I-I HAD TO DO IT, BAILEY.

OF COURSE, HE DID.

YEAH. I MEAN IT'S A
CONTRACT, LEGAL STUFF.

SURE IT IS.

I DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT DOING IT.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T.

SEE I... I HAD TO
SAVE MY OWN SKIN.

SO I CAME UP WITH RIP TIDE

AND IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

ABSOLUTELY.

LOOK... I MEAN,

I-I LUCKED INTO A GREAT SCAM.

I MEAN, UH, I LET
THIS GUY RIPTIDE

GO ON A GOON BENCH
FOR AN HOUR A DAY,

I PICK UP HIS PAYCHECK.

I MEAN IT'S A GREAT CON.

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT I AM SAYIN'?

I LUCKED INTO A GOOD THING.

OH, WELL, I GUESS.

HOLY MATRIMONY.

I MEAN THE GUY IS GETTING
IT FROM BOTH SIDES NOW

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS
MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A CAREER.

THANK YOU, HERB.

OH, JOHN. THIS COULD BE BIG.

I MEAN YOU'RE REALLY BIG.

OH, DICK CLARK STARTED
OUT WITH A LITTLE LOCAL SHOW,

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

BINGO! HE IS IN 2000 MARKETS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE NEVER AGES. NEVER.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S DICK CLARK.

RIPTIDE IS NOT GOING
TO GET 2000 MARKETS.

HEY, DON'T BE TOO SURE.

I MEAN THIS COULD BE REALLY BIG.

HOW BIG, JOHN?

WELL... UH, MY PRODUCER
SAYS THAT THE STATION

IS... LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO
SYNDICATE THE SHOW REGIONALLY.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

UH, COULD I GET IN
ON THIS SOMEHOW?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, HERB.

WELL, I-I MEAN I COULD BE
YOUR PUBLICIST OR ANYTHING.

IT IS TELEVISION.

THERE'S PROBABLY PLENTY
OF ROOM FOR GUYS LIKE YOU.

YEAH.

YOU COULD BE THE NEXT ALAN CARR.

ALAN CARR, RIGHT!

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING NOW, BAILEY.

THIS IS REALLY STAGGERING?

SEE, UH, IF I UNDERSTAND
MY PRODUCER,

WHAT WE HAVE TO
GET IS A PRIME DEMO...

DEMOGRAPHIC.

D-DEMOGRAPHIC IN EACH
OF THE TOP 10 MARKETS.

AND THE SECONDARIES
WILL FALL IN LINE.

YEAH, YEAH.

- NOW, IT-IT'S A,
IT'S A ROLLING MARKET STRATEGY.
- RIGHT.

UH, THE-THE RATE CARD IS
BASED ON THE DEMOGRAPHIC SLEW.

- S...
- SKEW.

S-SKEW, THAT'S THE WORD.

- I KNEW IT.
- YEAH.

OUR SKEW IS HEAVY ON TEENS,

BUT IF WE CAN GET THE
SECONDARY AND TEMPORARY...

D-D-AH, TERTIARY.

TERTIARY 18 TO 34'S,

WE GOT A SHOT AT THE
PRIME ADVERTISING DOLLAR.

- GOD, I LOVE IT.
- JOHNNY.

YEAH?

DO YOU REALIZE THAT
YOU'VE JUST USED THE WORD

SKEW AND THE WORD TERTIARY?

GUESS, I DID.

IT WASN'T ME TALKING.
THAT WAS, UH, RIPTIDE.

AM I RIGHT, HERB?

OH, YOU'RE SO RIGHT,
I'M ABOUT TO FAINT.

SEE, THAT'S RIP TALKING,
THAT'S NOT THE DOCTOR.

THE DOCTOR IS STILL TOO COOL
TO DISCUSS THIS NONSENSE.

WHAT DOES SHE KNOW, RIGHT?

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW, RIGHT?

- OH, RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

I TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW
THOUGH, I GOTTA DANCE.

- ALL RIGHT, ME TOO.
- JOCK IT.

GOOD LORD.

I GOTTA FIND OUT WHO
IN THE HELL ALAN CARR IS.

Johnny on Radio:
ALL RIGHT, BABIES.

THIS IS THE MIGHTY 'KRP
AND I'M DR. JOHNNY FEVER,

THE MAN WHO TURNED
DOWN THE TELEVISION SHOW

THAT'S GOT CINCINNATI
DANCE UNTIL IT'S DIZZY,

I'M TALKING ABOUT "GOTTA DANCE"

ON CHANNEL 11
EVERY AFTERNOON AT 4.

- HI.
- HI.

Johnny on Radio: RIPTIDE
IS NOT MY KINDA GUY.

BUT YOU GOT TO ADMIT THE
MAN IS PACKED WITH CHARISMA,

THE CAT IS HOT AND YOU
KNOW I WOULD LIKE IT.

PLEASE ALLOW ME
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

THAT'S JOHNNY PROMOTING HIMSELF.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THAT.

- THAT'S OKAY WITH ME.
- IT IS?

YEAH, WHY NOT? SOUNDS
LIKE HE IS COOKIN'.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE HE'S
BEHAVING LIKE A MAD MAN.

SO, WHAT ELSE IS NEW, HUH?

WELL, HE DOESN'T KNOW
WHETHER HE'S DR. JOHNNY FEVER

OR THIS NEW RIPTIDE PERSON
WHO BY THE WAY KISSES

INSTEAD OF SHAKING HANDS.

OH, YOU KNOW, THEORETICALLY,

HE'S NEITHER FEVER OR
TIDE, HE IS JOHNNY CARAVELLA.

OH, GOOD. NOW HE
IS THREE PEOPLE.

THAT'S EVEN BETTER.
WAIT UNTIL YOU...

SEE HIM.

WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?

UH-HUH, I'VE BEEN IN COLUMBUS.

- COLUMBUS?
- YEAH.

WHY?

WELL, I HAD TO TAKE A COUPLE
OF DAYS OFF FOR VACATION.

- IN COLUMBUS?
- YEAH, I LIKE COLUMBUS.

COLUMBUS.

- WHY YOU DRESS LIKE THAT?
- OH!

WELL, OL' RIPPER'S GOT A PROMO
APPEARANCE THIS AFTERNOON

AT A SUPERMARKET OPENING.

I KNOW THE GUY IS A STONE DRAG,

BUT THE KIDS LOVE HIM AND
HE LOVES THEM RIGHT BACK.

MY WINK IS MY WORD, DIG A VOUS?

Venus: WE'LL JUST SIT HIM RIGHT
DOWN AND WILL CONVINCE HIM.

- RIGHT. TOUGH COP, NICE COP.
- RIGHT.

I'M THE TOUGH COP.

NO, NO, I'M THE TOUGH
COP. YOU'RE THE NICE COP.

- YOU BE NICE, I'LL BE HARD.
- RIGHT.

- COME ON, NOW, REHEARSE.
- RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

Bailey: YOU'RE THE NICE COP.

Venus: I AM THE TOUGH COP.

Bailey: OH, RIGHT. I AM
SORRY. I REMEMBER.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE THESE
NEW STROBE LIGHTS WE'VE GOT.

THEY'RE FANTASTIC!

WE'RE GONNA PUT 'EM
IN THE SHOW TODAY...

COME IN.

- HI.
- VENUS! MY MAN! HOW ARE YA?

BAILEY, HOW ARE YOU SWEETHEART?

FINE, JOHN, THANK YOU.

WELL, I THINK I'LL
GET A MOVE ON.

AVIS, THIS IS
BAILEY. BAILEY, AVIS.

HELLO, BAILEY. NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

HI.

- WELL, SEE YA OUT ON STAGE.
- YEAH.

- SO WHO WANTS A DRINK?
- NO, THANK YOU.

- SURE?
- YEAH.

SO, WELL, WHAT BRINGS
YOU TWO DOWN HERE?

WELL, WE, UH...

I KNOW YOU WANNA SEE US
DO THE SHOW LIVE, RIGHT?

NO, JOHN.

YOU-YOU SEE BAILEY AND I'VE
COME DOWN HERE BECAUSE...

WELL, WE WANNA, UH...

AH, HUH, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

MATTER OF FACT, I'D
JUST BEEN WONDERING

WHEN THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN?

I MEAN THIS IS THE
PART WHERE YOU TELL ME

IT'S NECESSARY TO
SAVE MY SOUL, RIGHT?

WELL, YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YEAH, OKAY.

I APPRECIATE YOUR FRIENDSHIP,

BUT YOUR CONCERN IS UNNECESSARY.

BELIEVE ME.

I MEAN, UH, I'M OKAY, RIGHT?

IF YOU JUST LET ME ENJOY
MYSELF A LITTLE LONGER, HUH?

I MEAN, UH, LITTLE NOTORIETY,

LITTLE BREAD FOR A CHANGE.

YOU WANT ME TO LOOK THIS
GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH?

- UH...
- NO.

VENUS?

HEY, I REALLY LOVE YOU
GUYS TO DEATH. HUG, HUG, HUG.

WELL, GOTTA DANCE.

OKAY, YOU KIDS MAKE
YOURSELVES AT HOME.

WAS I THE TOUGH
COP OR THE NICE COP?

HEY, WE'RE REALLY
LOVIN' NOW, KIDDIES.

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR BIG
NEW DANCE CONTEST SEGMENT, HUH!

BUT BEFORE WE DO THAT,

I WANT TO SAY ONE THING
TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE,

GOD LOVE EACH AND
EVERY ONE OF YOU.

AND JUST BE SURE TO STAY TUNED,

'CAUSE THE OLD RIPPER IS
GOTTA GET EVERYBODY RIPPED.

SO STICK AROUND,

'CAUSE THERE'S A WHOLE LOT
MORE COMING ON "GOTTA DANCE."

♪ OOH I, I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BOOGIE ♪

♪ ON THE DISCO 'ROUND, OH YEAH ♪

♪ >OH, I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE ♪

AND ON THE COMMODITIES EXCHANGE,

HOGS AGAIN TOOK A
MYSTERIOUS STUMBLE,

AS SOYBEANS AND WHEAT
MADE A SHOCKING COMEBACK.

I'LL HAVE A PERSONAL OBSERVATION

ON THAT HOG STUMBLE
STORY ON MY 6 P.M. REPORT.

THIS IS LES NESSMAN SAYING,

GOOD DAY AND MAY THE
GOOD NEWS BE YOURS.

Advertisement: HAVING TROUBLE
WITH THAT WINTER TAN?

HIYA, RIP.

IT'S JOHNNY, LES.

I KNOW THAT. I'M JUST TEASING.

I LOVE TO TEASE.

YEAH, YOU'RE ONE OF THE
WORLD'S GREAT KIDDERS, LES.

YEAH.

HEY, LISTEN, LES. STICK AROUND.
I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

ARE WE GONNA KID SOME MORE?

UH, FIRST LEMME GET
A RECORD GOIN', HUH.

Advertisement: SO STOP IN AT
YOUR LOCAL TOE TAN SALON,

AND YOU'LL BE A
DIFFERENT PERSON.

JOHN, YOU FORGOT TO
INTRODUCE THAT RECORD.

YEAH, I'LL BACK IN
UP, OKAY? SIT DOWN.

I WANNA TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. YOU'RE, UH,
YOU'RE HIP TO RIPTIDE

AND THE COSTUMES AND THE
HYPE AND EVERYTHING RIGHT?

- UH-HUH!
- OKAY.

LAST NIGHT, I'M SITTIN'
AROUND THE PAD,

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT DOING
MUCH OF ANYTHING, JUST...

- ME TOO.
- I...

HMM?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WAS
DOING LAST NIGHT ALSO.

- OH. SO I'M NOT DOING MUCH OF...
- ACTUALLY

I DID DO SOME IRONING.

GOOD.

NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, I'M
JUST SITTIN' AROUND THE PAD,

NOT DOING MUCH OF
ANYTHING, YOU KNOW,

AND JUST ALL OF A
SUDDEN I HAVE THIS...

IDEA!

WHAT IF I SLIPPED INTO
ONE OF RIP'S OUTFITS?

JUST WENT OUT, CRUISED A
COUPLE OF CLUBS, YOU KNOW.

JUST CHECKED OUT SOME BARS.

YOU SHOULD'VE CALLED ME.

WE'D HAVE FUN TOGETHER.

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, LES.

ANYWAY, I'M - I'M - I'M
SITTING THERE, YOU KNOW,

AND I-I CAN'T DECIDE, YOU KNOW.

SHOULD I DO THIS?
SHOULDN'T I DO IT?

I DON'T KNOW I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT IT FOR MAYBE AN HOUR OR SO

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
THE RIP IN ME SAYS,

"HEY, WHY NOT GO FOR
IT? GRAB ALL YOU CAN."

SO I DO IT. AND IT
WAS FANTASTIC, LES.

I MEAN I JUST FREAKED OUT
EVERY PLACE I WENT, YOU KNOW.

IT'S FREE DRINKS.

PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GIVE ME
THINGS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

AND CHICKS... CHICKS ARE
CRAWLING ALL OVER ME.

I MEAN THEY LOVE THE OL' RIPPER.

THEY CAN'T GET ENOUGH
OF HIM, YOU KNOW.

- CHICKS?
- YEAH!

- OH, THAT'S GREAT, JOHNNY.
- YEAH!

WELL... GO ON.

THAT'S THE END
OF THE STORY, LES.

OW!

I ENJOYED IT.

I'M SO GLAD.

NOT MUCH KIDDING, THOUGH.

NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE
EVERYTHING, LES.

NO.

WELL, SEE YOU
AROUND... OL' RIPPER.

IT'S JOHNNY.

RIGHT.

♪ DE DO DO DO, DE DA DA DA ♪

♪ THEY'RE MEANINGLESS
AND ALL THAT'S TRUE ♪

OKAY, THAT WAS THE POLICE.
THE "DE DO DO DO, DE DA DA DA".

AND I LOVE IT. I
LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

AND HERE'S SOMEBODY
ELSE I REALLY LOVE IT.

I KNOW YOU'RE
GONNA LOVE HIM TOO.

IT'S MR. ELVIS PRESLEY.

♪ WELL, IT'S ONE FOR THE MONEY ♪

♪ TWO FOR THE SHOW ♪

♪ THREE TO GET READY ♪

♪ NOW GO, CAT, GO ♪

♪ BUT DON'T YOU STEP
ON MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

UH, IT'S NOT ELVIS
PRESLEY, UH, I-I'M WRONG.

IT'S CARL PERKINS.

UH, CARL PERKINS
WROTE BLUE SUEDE SHOES,

AND HE RECORDED AND RELEASED IT

ABOUT A MONTH
BEFORE ELVIS' VERSION.

UH, ELVIS COPIED HIM A LOT.

AND, AND YOU CAN HEAR THAT.

OR YOU COULD HEAR IT IF I WASN'T
TALKING ON TOP OF THE RECORD.

♪ YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ♪

♪ BUT LAY OFF OF MY
BLUE SUEDE SHOES ♪

I'VE BEEN TALKING TO YOU
GUYS ABOUT THIS FOR TWO DAYS.

WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?

WHY WON'T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME?

- FIVE REASONS, HERB.
- LOOK, BIG GUY...

HE'S ALREADY
DOING RIP ON THE AIR.

HAVEN'T YOU HEARD HIM LATELY?

I MEAN, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

RIP WILL SLIP OUT
INSTEAD OF JOHNNY.

- HE IS TAKING HIM OVER.
- HERB, THAT'S NONSENSE.

HE HAS TWO JOBS.

NOW, GRANTED, IT GETS
A LITTLE CONFUSING.

I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE
WITH HERB AT THIS POINT.

DON'T AGREE WITH ME, LES, OKAY?

AND WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN HERE?

I'VE BEEN KEEPING A VERY
CLOSE EYE ON DR. FEVER LATELY.

OH, GOOD.

AND I HAPPEN TO BE SOMETHING
OF AN EXPERT ON SCHIZOPHRENIA.

GOOD.

MAY I TELL YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

NO.

A SCHIZOID DISORDER
IS WHEN ONE PERSON

EXHIBITS TWO OR MORE
DISTINCT PERSONALITIES.

NOW, HOW MANY OF YOU
SAW JOANNE WOODWARD

IN THE THREE FACES OF EVE?

WELL, SHE GOT ALL BETTER,

BUT THEN SALLY
FIELD GOT IT IN SYBIL.

HOW MANY SAW THAT FILM?

- LES...
- YES, SIR.

CAN I INTERRUPT HERE
FOR JUST A SECOND?

I SUPPOSE SO.

AH, THIS IS MAYBE A DIFFERENT
THOUGHT ALTOGETHER,

BUT, UH, WHY CAN'T YOU
GUYS GET OUT OF MY OFFICE?

- I MEAN, JUST ASKING.
- LOOK, BIG GUY,

WE HAVE GOT TO GET RIP
ON THE AIR, HERE AT KRP.

WE'LL MAKE MILLIONS,
I'M TELLING YOU.

CAN I GET BACK TO
THE SUBJECT AT HAND?

IF THE GUY IS TURNING
INTO ANOTHER PERSON,

SO BE IT.

I SAY LET'S HELP HIM.

I REALLY BELIEVE THAT
JOHNNY IS HAVING A PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW, HE STARTED GOING
OUT AT NIGHT IN HIS RIP COSTUME.

- REALLY?
- YES.

AND HE'S STARTING TO REFER
TO JOHNNY IN THE THIRD PERSON,

AS IF HE WERE SOMEBODY
ELSE ALTOGETHER.

WELL, LOOK, LES. HE'S
GONNA SNAP OUT OF THAT.

OR GET WORSE.

HE COULD DEVELOP
MORE PERSONALITIES.

GOOD. MAYBE WE'LL FIND HIM IN

MORE THAN PLACES
WHERE HE IS SUPPOSED TO.

RIP, WILL.

I REALLY THINK THAT WE
SHOULD TRY TO HELP JOHNNY.

- OH, GOOD.
- HOW?

WELL, SHOCKS HAVE
BEEN KNOWN TO WORK.

- SHOCK? ARE YOU NUT?
- ELECTRICAL SHOCK?

- NO, - NO, I MEAN,
SHOCK LIKE... HA!

LITTLE SUDDEN
SURPRISE OR REALIZATION.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM
TRYING TO SAY, ANDY?

YES, I DO, HERB.
AND YOU'RE RIGHT.

- I AM?
- YES.

NOW FIRSTLY,

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING
SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH JOHNNY.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE
BEEN IN COLUMBUS.

I LIKE COLUMBUS.

OKAY.

AND SECONDLY, I THINK HERB'S
GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA HERE.

NOW LOOK.

JOHNNY HAS PLAYED A LOT OF
DIFFERENT CHARACTERS ON THE AIR.

JOHNNY FEVER, JOHNNY
DUKE, JOHNNY STYLE,

JOHNNY SUNSHINE, RIP TIDE.

IT'S JUST AN ON-THE-AIR PERSONA.

WE CAN SELL OUT HIS
TIME AT DOUBLE THE RATE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, HERB.

- GEE, THANKS.
- MY PLEASURE.

WAIT, WAIT, UH, H-HERB'S RIGHT?

- MM-HMM.
- I'LL BE DAMN.

I'LL GO GET HIM.

FEVER AND I HAVE NEVER
REALLY BEEN CLOSE,

BUT RIP AND I HAD BECOME
PRETTY GOOD FRIENDS.

- HERB HAD A GOOD IDEA.
- RIGHT.

OKAY, JUST CHECKING.

DON'T FORGET TO TUNE IN,

RIGHT AFTER MY SHOW
IT'S HOGAN'S HEROES.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT A
BALL WORLD WAR II WAS.

AND THEN... YOU'VE GOT
THE CHANNEL 11 NEWS TEAM,

WITH CONNIE, BOB,
BILLY, RHONDA, JEAN, INEZ,

AND PINKY WITH ALL WEATHER...
- HEY, THAT'S YOU.

YEAH.

AND GET READY FOR
THE MOST INTELLECTUALLY

STIMULATING HALF
HOUR ON TELEVISION.

"LET'S MAKE A DEAL."

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ALL
HAPPENING RIGHT HERE...

- HOW ABOUT THAT?
- ON THE FUN CHANNEL.

I MEAN YOU'RE THERE
AND YOU'RE HERE.

YEAH, IT'S CALLED
VIDEOTAPE, HERB.

SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.

WELL, I GOT THE OL' RIPPER DOIN'
ALL THE STATION PROMOS NOW.

THAT'S GREAT.

UH, LOOK...

MR. CARLSON AND
ANDY WERE WONDERING

IF THEY COULD MEET
WITH THE RIPPER

IN MR. CARLSON'S OFFICE.

WELL, I GUESS HE'S
NOT TOO BUSY, HUH?

- THIS GUY I KNOW.
- YEAH.

LISTEN HERB. STAY CLOSE TO ME.

WE'LL DO YOU A LOT OF
GOOD, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

Herb: OH... I'VE BEEN
WONDERING THAT

IF WE PUT SOMEBODY INTO A...

- HERE HE IS, THE OL' RIPPER.
- HEY, JOHN, UH, C'MON IN, PAL.

LOOK, UH, JUST SIT
RIGHT DOWN HERE,

I'VE GOT SOME COFFEE FOR
YOU. H-HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?

- UH, BLACK PLEASE.
- YOU GOT IT.

COMFORTABLE OVER THERE, JOHN?

YES, SIR. HOW ABOUT YOU?

ME? OH, YEAH, I'M-I'M
COMFORTABLE TOO, YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, THERE YOU GO.
- AH, NO THANKS.

NO PROBLEM.

JOHNNY, THIS...
THIS RIPTIDE THING,

IT'S PRETTY
PHENOMENAL, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, SURE IS, ANDY. IT
REALLY SURPRISED ME!

THEREIN LIES THE
REASON THAT... GOD!

HOT!

THE REASON THAT HERB
WANTS TO TALK TO YOU,

GO AHEAD HERB, THANKS FOR THAT.

HA! THANKS, ANDY.

JOHNNY, WE HAVE...

WE'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA.
AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

AND-AND YOU'D BE DOING
THE STATION A GREAT FAVOR.

NOW...

WE WANT RIPTIDE TO
COME TO WORK FOR US.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
J-JUST TAKE YOUR TIME.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

- WHY?
- I-I DON'T WANT HIM UP HERE.

W-WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT GUY'S A CREEP, HERB.

- TIDE'S YOU!
- NO, HE'S NOT.

- THEN WHO HE IS?
- BUT, HE'S A TV GUY!

WELL IT'S THE TV GUY, JOHN,
THAT WE COULD USE HERE.

DOING WHAT?

WELL, H-HOW ABOUT
THE MORNING DRIVE TIME?

- THAT'S FEVER'S SLOT.
- TO HELL WITH HIM!

WHAT?

I'M UH... SORRY. I...

I-I FORGOT WHO I WAS TALKING TO.

L-LEMME CUT IT HERE IN A SECOND,

SEE, THAT-THAT-THAT'S
A BAD IDEA.

I DON'T WANT TO REPLACE
FEVER, LET'S FORGET ABOUT THAT.

I WAS SUGGESTING MAYBE
LIKE A... LIKE A-A ONE MAN TEAM.

- HUH?
- YOU KNOW, UH, YEAH,

YOU AND THE RIP.

I-I WORK ALONE, ANDY.

YEAH, BUT YOU WOULD
BE WORKING ALONE, JOHN.

NO, HE WOULDN'T. IT-IT'D BE,
YOU KNOW, HIM AND THE RIP.

HE IS THE RIP!

OH, YEAH! SORRY. CON-CONTINUE.

I-I-I SEE YOU GUYS JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN... RIPTIDE IS
DIFFICULT TO BE AROUND.

- I LIKE HIM.
- HE'S A JERK, HERB.

- NO OFFENSE.
- NONE TAKEN.

HE-HE-HE DOESN'T
LIKE MY APARTMENT.

HE DOESN'T LIKE
THE FOOD I SERVE HIM.

HE-HE DOESN'T LIKE THE
WAY I LIVE, YOU KNOW?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
HE DOES LIKE THOUGH.

HE LIKES YOUNG GIRLS, I
MEAN, REALLY YOUNG GIRLS.

I-I'VE TRIED TO TALK
TO HIM ABOUT THIS,

BUT HE JUST WON'T LISTEN.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE THE GUY IS NO GOOD.

AND AS A JOCKEY,
HE'S A RANK AMATEUR.

HE CAN BARELY
TELL THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN CARL PERKINS
AND ELVIS PRESLEY.

AND I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE TOO.

I DON'T LIKE TALKING ABOUT
THE GUY BEHIND HIS BACK.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

- RIP... JOHNNY...
- OH, YEAH?

IT'S OKAY, MAN. I
MEAN WHAT'S BA...

BAD IDEAS HERE ALL
THE WAY AROUND, RIGHT?

UH, JUST... FORGET
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

OKAY.

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT

IT WAS THE PROGRAM
DIRECTOR IN ME TALKIN' AND IT...

- IT WASN'T ME.
- RIGHT.

- JOHN.
- YEAH.

SAME HERE.

UH, IT WASN'T HERB TALKING,
IT WAS THE SALES MANAGER.

YEAH, WELL...

I GUESS ALL... ALL EIGHT
OF US ARE IN AGREEMENT.

REAL-REALLY SORRY
ABOUT THAT DOCTOR.

WHAT HAPPENED JOHNNY?

UH... THOSE GUYS
ARE REALLY CONFUSED.

TRIED TO FIRE ME.

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY THINK RIPTIDE

WOULD BE A REAL
RATINGS-BUSTER, YOU KNOW,

BRINGIN' THEM A LOT
OF NEW LISTENERS.

OF COURSE, IT WOULD CHANGE

THE COMPLEXION OF
THE STATION COMPLETELY.

SURE, I MEAN, PRETTY SOON

YOU'D HAVE HUNDREDS
AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

DIALING IN AND THE
MONEY WOULD BE THERE,

WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

I MEAN CARLSON WANTING A
LITTLE TASTE OF THAT SUCCESS

THAT HE'S NEVER HAD.

HERB WOULD ACTUALLY BE
MAKING MONEY AT HIS JOB.

LES WOULD HAVE LISTENERS.

ANDY...

ANDY WOULD FINALLY HAVE A CHANCE

TO DO HIS THING, YOU KNOW,

I MEAN HE COULD REALLY
RUN WITH SOMETHIN' LIKE THIS.

BUT, I MEAN THEY'D HAVE
TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT

THE ONLY REASON
ANYBODY IS TUNING

INTO THIS JIVE STATION
IS TO DIG THE OL' RIPPER,

AND HE'D LOVE IT.

HE WOULD TOO, AND YOU WOULD TOO.

YOU'D BE WITH ME ALL
THE WAY TO THE TOP, BABY.

WE'D HAVE A DIFFERENT
COLORED MAKEUP FOR YOU

FOR EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY? HMM?

- NO.
- NO?

- NO!
- NO?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
YOU'RE JUST TOYING WITH ME.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M USED TO IT.

I CAN TAKE IT AND
I CAN DISH IT UP.

I LIKE YOUR STYLE,
JENNIFER, I DO.

I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU,
BABY. YUM, YUM, YUM.

BUT I DON'T LIKE YOU.

HEY, IT'S REALLY JUST
ME, YOU KNOW, UM...

I DON'T KNOW, I HAVE A LOT OF...

DIFFERENT FACES AND...

I JUST FOUND THIS
SCHLEMIEL INSIDE

WHO'S REALLY FIGHTING
TO GET OUT. THAT'S ALL!

RIP?

YEAH, I MEAN IT'S JUST
A CONSTANT BATTLE

FOR CONTROL, YOU KNOW.

IT JUST GOES BACK AND
FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH

- AND BACK AND...
- JOHNNY!

YEAH, YOU KNOW HIM!

THE GUY IS A LAME-OID.

I MEAN HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

HE'S GOT NO
DIRECTION IN HIS LIFE.

I LIKE HIM.

UH-OH! COME ON! REALLY?

- HE'S MY FRIEND.
- DON'T JIVE ME, HONEY.

AND I WILL NOT HAVE MY
FRIENDS TALKED ABOUT THAT WAY.

WELL, YOU NEVER
REALLY LIKED... HIM.

YES. I REALLY LIKED HIM.

WELL, TAKE HIM OUT TO
LUNCH, PICK UP A FEW POINTERS.

STOP IT, JOHN. JUST... STOP IT.

OKAY. I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.

NOT EASY, WORKING IN
CLOSE QUARTERS, UH...

HI, JOHNNY.

- JOHN.
- HI.

Announcer: AND NOW CINCINNATI,
IT'S TIME TO GET DOWN AGAIN

WITH THE MAN WHO MAKES
US ALL WANT TO DANCE,

THE BOSS OF THE
BEAT, MR. RIPTIDE!

HEY, HEY, HEY, YES
KIDDIES. ALL RIGHT,

IT'S TIME TO SHAKE THE MASS
OF YOUR FEET MOVE TO THE BEAT.

All: HEY! WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

I'M AWFULLY SORRY ABOUT
THIS, BOYS AND GIRLS,

BUT THE OL' RIPPER JUST LOOKED
AT HIS LITTLE LEDGER HERE,

AND THIS RECORD DOES
NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES

TO BE PLAYED ON THE SHOW, OKAY?

HEY, I'M PRETTY DARN CHOKED
UP ABOUT IT MYSELF, KIDS.

BEAR WITH ME FOR A MOMENT.

NOW THE THING IS,

YOU ALL KNOW THAT A RECORD'S
GOTTA HAVE THREE THINGS

FOR ME TO PUT IT ON
A TURNTABLE, HUH?

IT'S GOTTA HAVE A BEAT, RIGHT?

All: RIGHT!

AND IT'S GOTTA HAVE SOUL, RIGHT?

All: RIGHT!

IT'S GOTTA BE PAID FOR, RIGHT?

All: WHAT? WHAT?

WELL, SO IF ANY OF YOU WANT TO
GET INTO THE RECORD BUSINESS,

YOU JUST SLIP THE OLD RIP THE
CASHIER'S CHECK IN HIS POCKET,

AND GUESS WHAT,
WE'RE IN BUSINESS, OKAY?

WAKE UP, BOYS AND GIRLS.

YOU DON'T THINK
THE OLD RIPPER PLAYS

THIS BECAUSE HE
LIKES IT, DO YOU?

All: OH, COME ON.

OH, WHAT ABOUT YOU, DEAR?

DO YOU REALLY LIKE
THIS DROID SYNTHE MUSIC

BETTER THAN REAL
LIFE ROCK 'N ROLL, HMM?

I DON'T KNOW.

OF COURSE, YOU DON'T,
YOU POOR DEPRIVED, DEAR.

WHY DON'T YOU SLIP BACK INTO
THE RIPPER'S DRESSING ROOM

AFTER THE SHOW?

WE'LL SEE IF HE CAN
SHOW YOU THE LIGHT, HUH?

All: HEY!

JUST KIDDING. JUST
KIDDING. MAYBE.

Boy: WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP
AND PLAY "THE VILLAGE PEOPLE"?

All: YEAH.

JAM IT, PIZZA FACE.

Boy: YOU WANNA MAKE
SOMETHIN' OUT OF IT?

LOOK KID, AROUND
HERE I CRACK THE WHIP,

YOU MAKE THE TRIP. OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, NOW IT-IT IS
CALLED "GOTTA DANCE" HERE,

SO WE GOTTA DANCE.

BOYS DANCE WITH BOYS.
GIRLS DANCE WITH GIRLS.

HOW ABOUT IT, HUH?

HEY, COME ON, BOYS AND
GIRLS, I WANNA TELL YOU,

WHEN YOU GROW UP,
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND

THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN YOU GOTTA DANCE.

BUT NOBODY SAYS YOU
CAN'T PICK GOOD MUSIC.

♪ READY SET GO MAN GO ♪

♪ I GOT A GIRL THAT I LOVE SO ♪

♪ I'M READY READY
READY I'M READY ♪

♪ READY READY READY I'M READY ♪

♪ READY READY READY ♪

♪ I'M READY READY
READY TO ROCK 'N' ROLL ♪

WKRP IN CINCINNATI

WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

COME IN.

WELL, I... ASSUME I'M NO
LONGER UNDER CONTRACT.

HA! NO PROBLEM.

GREAT. I HOPE WE
COULD BE FRIENDS.

- CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
- SURE.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- IS THAT ALL?
- THAT'S ALL.

♪ I'M GONNA ROCK 'N' ROLL TILL
THE EARLY EARLY NIGHT 'CAUSE ♪

♪ READY READY READY I'M READY ♪

♪ READY READY READY I'M READY ♪

♪ READY READY READY ♪

♪ I'M READY READY
READY TO ROCK 'N' ROLL ♪