WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 9 - Baby, If You've Ever Wondered - full transcript

DR. JOHNNY FEVER... ON THE
MIGHTY KRP IN CINCINNATI,

WHERE IT'S 9:05 IN THE MORNING.

SO IF YOU'RE NOT ALREADY
AT WORK, DON'T GO.

YOU'RE LATE, AND
THEY'LL JUST YELL AT YOU.

('50s rock plays)

(volume turns down)

ANDY, IT'S HERE.

- WHERE IS IT?
- IT'S ON MR. CARLSON'S DESK.

YOU KNOW, HE WON'T EVEN OPEN IT.

HE JUST KEEPS SITTING
THERE, STARING AT IT.

IS THAT A BOMB?



NO, IT'S WORSE THAN
A BOMB. IT'S THE BOOK.

- OH.
- THE ARBITRON BOOK.

- I KNOW, LES.
- IT'S THE RATINGS.

I KNOW, LES.

OUR FATE,

PACKAGED IN A PLAIN
BROWN WRAPPER.

- I KNOW, HERB.
- EXCUSE ME.

- MAY I GET
THROUGH HERE, PLEASE?
- SURE, ANDY.

ARE YOU GONNA OPEN IT?

ANDY, I CAN'T. I JUST CAN'T.

EXCUSE US, PLEASE. EXCUSE US.

SURELY. WHAT CAN WE DO?

- BOIL WATER, HERB,
AND LOTS OF IT.
- RIGHT.

WELL...



HERE GOES.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

(exhales)

- LES, YOU'RE MAKING ME DIZZY.
- I'M SORRY.

- IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS?
- YES, TWICE A YEAR.

OH, I JUST THINK THERE IS

TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON
RATINGS IN THIS BUSINESS.

THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO OUT AND
TRY TO SELL TIME WITH A BAD BOOK.

ALL YOU'VE GOT GOING FOR
YOURSELF IS WIT AND CHARM,

AND SOMETIMES THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

I'LL BET.

UH, LISTEN, THE
BOOK COME IN YET?

- WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S THE WORD?
- SHH, SHH, SHH.

- HI, JOHN.
- HI.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT THE WORD?

IT'S A BOY.

- WHAT?
- THAT-THAT WAS A JOKE. I MADE A JOKE.

OH.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, HERB?

NOT MUCH. JUST A LOT OF
PAGES TURNING. NOT MUCH ELSE.

WAIT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

SOMEBODY JUST MOANED.
IT SOUNDS LIKE THE BIG GUY.

THEY'RE READING MY
NEWS NUMBERS! I KNOW IT!

OH, TAKE IT EASY, LES.

- "TAKE IT EASY"?
- YEAH.

ALL OUR JOBS ARE
ON THE LINE HERE.

MINE'S NOT.

NEITHER IS MINE. I'LL
TELL YOU SOMETHING:

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN AROUND THE
RADIO GAME AS LONG AS I HAVE,

YOU LEARN TO LIVE
WITH YOUR RATINGS.

YOU DON'T GET NERVOUS
ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

IT'S A BAD BOOK. I
CAN JUST SENSE IT.

MR. CARLSON'S MOTHER'S GONNA
COME UP HERE AND FIRE US ALL.

WASHINGTON POST, HERE I COME.

- WELL?
- IT'S A VERY GOOD BOOK.

- (all exclaiming)
- RIGHT, ANDY?

WELL, IT'S NOT A BAD BOOK.
I STILL HAVE TO STUDY IT.

APPEARS TO BE SOME ROUGH
SPOTS, BUT WE'VE PICKED UP SOME.

- YEAH.
- WE'VE PICKED UP SOME?

WE'VE PICKED UP SOME!
DID YOU HEAR THAT?

WE'VE PICKED UP SOME! THAT
WERE HIS WORDS EXACTLY.

WE'VE PICKED UP SOME!
JOHN, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

- WE'VE PICKED UP SOME!
- I HEARD HIM.

- ANDY JUST SAID
WE'VE PICKED UP SOME!
- CALM DOWN, HERB.

- WE'VE PICKED UP SOME!
- HERB!

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

Johnny: LISTEN, ANDY,

HOW ABOUT MORNING DRIVE TIME?

IT'S UP, DOCTOR.
CONGRATULATIONS.

OH, UH, GOOD. HOW UP?

SUBSTANTIAL GAIN.

WELL... (chuckling)

I GUESS I'D BETTER
GET BACK TO THE...

- BOOTH.
- THANK YOU.

- I'M STILL ON THE...
- AIR.

RIGHT. I'LL TELL
YOU SOMETHING TOO.

FRANKLY, I THINK THIS
WHOLE RATINGS BUSINESS

IS JUST A BUNCH
OF JIVE NONSENSE.

(whooping)

ALL RIGHT, TRAVIS,

WHAT ABOUT THE
REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF?

YOU MEAN THE HOG REPORTS?

YES, OF COURSE.

AND MY NEWS AND SPORTS PROGRAMS.

UH, WELL, UH, LES,
THEY'RE, UH, OKAY.

"OKAY"?

"OKAY"?

WHERE I COME FROM,
"OKAY" MEANS "AWFUL."

- THIS IS TERRIBLE!
- OH, NO, NOW, LES,

LOOK, IT'S NOT TERRIBLE.

IT'S BETTER THAN
OKAY. IT'S, UH...

ALL RIGHT.

"ALL RIGHT"?

"ALL RIGHT"?

DID YOU HEAR THAT,
EVERYBODY? IT'S ALL RIGHT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D
LIKE TO SAY THAT THIS BOOK

REPRESENTS THE FIRST
TIME IN SEVEN YEARS

THAT WKRP'S RATINGS HAVE
GONE UP INSTEAD OF DOWN,

AND I THINK THAT CALLS
FOR A LITTLE CELEBRATION.

SO SEND OUT FOR SOME CHAMPAGNE,
BECAUSE WE ARE GONNA HAVE OURSELVES

A PARTY HERE THIS AFTERNOON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, TRAVIS?

WELL, SIR, I'M NOT SO SURE
THIS IS A CHAMPAGNE BOOK.

OF COURSE IT IS. THAT'S A
GREAT PERSONAL VICTORY FOR ME.

IN FACT, I'M GONNA
GO IN AND CALL MAMA.

I WANT A NEWS RELEASE
ON THIS RIGHT AWAY, BAILEY.

JENNIFER, CALL OUT,
GET SOME CHAMPAGNE.

LES, HERB, GET OUT OF THE LOBBY.

RIGHT.

- HERB, I WANT TO
SEE MY RATINGS.
- FORGET IT.

- HERB!
- DON'T EVER HIT ME
AGAIN, LES.

CONGRATULATIONS, ANDY.

HMM? OH, UH, THANK YOU.

IT IS AN IMPROVEMENT, ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

YEAH.

HERB, PLEASE, LET ME SEE
MY NEW NEWS NUMBERS NOW.

JUST WAIT YOUR TURN.

THIS IS NOT FOR YOUR
EGO. THIS IS BUSINESS.

YES, MR. CARLSON, I'M
JUST ABOUT TO SEND.

THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

OF COURSE IT'S RIGHT.
COMPUTERS DON'T MAKE MISTAKES.

IT SAYS HERE MY AUDIENCE
SHARE OF MEN 65 AND OVER

WENT DOWN SIX POINTS.

LET'S FACE IT, LES: YOUR
AUDIENCE IS DYING OFF.

THEY ARE NOT DYING
OFF. THEY ARE TUNING OUT

BECAUSE OF THAT ROCK
AND ROLL MUSIC WE PLAY.

WHICH IS NOT MUSIC AT ALL, BUT
SIMPLY ONE GROUP AFTER ANOTHER

OF DRUG ADDICTS TRYING TO
MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS POSSIBLE.

- AM I RIGHT, BAILEY?
- DOES THAT INCLUDE DEBBY BOONE?

YES. NO.

WHO?

WOULD YOU GUYS JUST LISTEN
TO ME HERE FOR A SECOND?

"ARTHUR CARLSON,
GENERAL MANAGER OF WKRP,

"ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT HIS STATION
RECEIVED GREATLY IMPROVED RATINGS

"DURING THE LAST RATING PERIOD.

"JOHNNY FEVER, MORNING
MAN, AND VENUS FLYTRAP,

"THE EARLY EVENING DEEJAY,
HAD THE BRIGHTEST OVERALL GAIN,

"AND, ACCORDING TO MR. CARLSON,

DESERVE THE CREDIT FOR
THE STATION'S INCREASE."

WELL, YOU DIDN'T MENTION NEWS.

THAT'S NOT ALL YOU
LEFT OUT, BAILEY.

- YEAH, HERB?
- MM-HMM.

YOU LEFT OUT THE
ENTIRE SALES DEPARTMENT.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- LOOK, RADIO IS SALES,
SALES IS RADIO.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE
WITHOUT THE OTHER.

NOW, LET ME SEE THAT THING.

THIS... IS THE WAY
IT SHOULD READ.

"ARTHUR CARLSON,
GENERAL MANAGER,

"AND HERB TARLEK JR.,

EXECUTIVE GENERAL SALES
MANAGER OF WKRP, ISSUED..."

- HI, HERB.
- HI, ANDY.

- LET ME SEE THAT THING.
- SURELY.

MM-HMM!

SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD,
BAILEY. MAIL IT OUT.

YEAH, GET THAT IN THE
MAIL RIGHT AWAY, BAILEY.

UH, LOOK, ANDY, I WANT TO
SHOW YOU SOMETHING OVER HERE.

LOOK, UM, I THINK
THAT THESE NUMBERS

JUSTIFY AN INCREDIBLE...

IF NOT ASTRONOMICAL...
RATE INCREASE, OKAY?

WELL, HERB, I DON'T THINK WE
WANT TO SCARE ANYBODY OFF.

WAIT. THIS IS WHAT
I'M THINKING, OKAY?

I'M THINKING ABOUT
A FIVE PERCENT HIKE

RIGHT ACROSS THE BOARD, OKAY?

TAKE MY REGULAR 7.5
PERCENT COMMISSION

MINUS THE BIG GUY'S 10 PERCENT

LEAVES US A GRAND TOTAL OF...

OH, YEAH. WE'RE DEFINITELY
TALKING CORDOBA.

- WHAT?
- (Spanish accent) CORDOBA FOR ME.

FINE CORINTHIAN LEATHER,
RECLINING BUCKET SEATS...

OH, GOOD, HERB. GIVE ME A
RIDE IN IT SOMETIME, WILL YOU?

YOU GOT IT.

HEY, ANDY. WELL?

YOU DID GOOD.

THANK YOU, LORD!
THANK YOU! (sobbing)

- I'M SO GRATEFUL!
- OH, I KNOW YOU ARE.

OH, VENUS, THAT'S SO CUTE.

REALLY, NOW...

GET UP, VENUS.

HOW GOOD, ANDY?

WELL, YOUR NUMBERS ARE
REALLY NICE. ON THE OTHER HAND,

MOSS STEIGER GOT KILLED,

AND THE AFTERNOON SPOT IS...

- OVERALL?
- OVERALL...

WELL, NOW, OVERALL,

YOU'RE NO LONGER WORKING FOR THE
16th STATION IN AN 18-STATION MARKET.

- YEAH?
- NO, SIRREE.

YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE 14th.

LET ME SEE MY NUMBERS.

NO, WAIT, VENUS.

I GET TO SEE THE
BOOK NEXT. EXCUSE ME.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE, PAL. I'M THE
SALES MANAGER. I'VE GOT TO STUDY THIS.

- HERB, YOU'VE HAD
THAT BOOK ALL DAY!
- GIVE ME THIS BOOK, LES.

- HERB! HERB!
- GIVE ME THAT BOOK!

HEY!

(rock music plays)

Jingle singers: ♪ WKRP ♪

(new rock song plays)

(wry chuckle)

NOTHING.

♪ DOWN IN THE MEADOW
IN THE ITTY-BITTY POOL ♪

♪ THREE SMALL FISH
AND A MOTHER FISH TOO ♪

♪ "SWIM" SAID MAMA,
"SWIM IF YOU CAN" ♪

♪ AND THEY SWAM AND THEY
SWAM ALL OVER THE DAM ♪

OH, HI, JENNIFER. HOW
ARE YOU THIS FINE DAY?

I'M FINE. I'M GLAD TO SEE
YOU LOOKING SO PLEASED.

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I
AM PLEASED, AND THANK YOU.

HERE ARE YOUR FISHING
MAGAZINES, AND THIS

IS THE MODEL SHIPS AND PLANES
CATALOGUE YOU SENT AWAY FOR.

AH, THE HECK WITH THAT STUFF.

I WANT TO DO SOME REAL RADIO BUSINESS.
NOW, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FOR ME?

NOTHING.

I SHOULD READ THAT BOOK
AGAIN, STUDY THOSE FIGURES.

ANDY'S GOT IT.

OH, WELL. I CAN LOOK AT
IT AFTER HE'S THROUGH.

DID YOU CALL YOUR MOTHER?

OUT OF THE COUNTRY. WHEN
YOU'RE HOT, YOU'RE HOT.

I'M ON A ROLL, JENNIFER.

WELL, YOU JUST KEEP
RIGHT ON ROLLING,

- AND I'LL BE
OUT HERE IN THE LOBBY.
- JENNIFER, WAIT.

DON'T LEAVE. LET'S TALK.

ALL RIGHTY.

UH...

I'VE GOT SOMETHING
I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

OKAY.

- OH! OH!
- TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.

"THE ARTHUR CARLSON BUILDING,

HOME OF WKRP IN CINCINNATI."

- YEAH.
- OH, AND THERE'S
YOUR LITTLE OFFICE

- UH-HUH.
- AND MY LITTLE OFFICE.

WHAT'S THIS LITTLE
AREA OVER HERE?

WELL, THAT'S A LITTLE PLACE

WHERE I CAN GO, AND
NOBODY KNOWS WHERE I AM.

A THINK TANK.

- (snaps fingers)
- YEAH, THAT'S IT.

IT'S NOT A HIDING PLACE.

I HAD THESE DRAWN
UP SEVERAL YEARS AGO.

UH, YOU KNOW,

I THOUGHT I'D GET A LITTLE PIECE OF
GROUND OUT NEAR THE EXPRESSWAY,

HAVE A PLACE OF OUR VERY OWN.

OH, GOLLY, NOW WE'RE
ON THE MOVE, HUH?

- MAYBE IN A YEAR
OR TWO, WE COULD...
- (door opens)

OH, HI, TRAVIS.

HI.

WE WERE JUST, UH... WELL,
YOU KNOW, UH, LOOKING...

UH, WE WERE LOOKING AT, UH...

DIRTY PICTURES.

(clears throat) THANK
YOU, JENNIFER.

SURE.

UH, ACTUALLY, TRAVIS,

THESE ARE ARCHITECTS' DRAWINGS.

I DON'T SHOW THEM
AROUND. THEY'RE PRIVATE.

- OKAY.
- MAYBE THIS ONCE...

- THAT'S OKAY. I UNDERSTAND.
- I COULD MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

- IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
- LOOK AT THESE.

OKAY.

HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MR. CARLSON...

WELL, MAYBE NOT
TOMORROW, BUT, YOU KNOW,

IN A YEAR OR TWO, RIGHT?

COME ON, ANDY. WE'RE
ON THE GO NOW, HUH?

THESE BOOKS HAVE A
LOT OF FIGURES IN THEM,

AND IT TAKES HOURS TO DETERMINE

WHAT THE NUMBERS REALLY MEAN.

LOOK, ANDY, I PLAN TO GIVE THAT BOOK
MY COMPLETE AND THOROUGH ATTENTION.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT.
THEN WE'LL TALK.

YEAH, SURE, FINE. HEY, ANDY...

YOU OKAY?

(whispering) GOT A HEADACHE.

GO TAKE A COUPLE ASPIRIN.
THAT CHAMPAGNE'S ON ITS WAY.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A
BIG PARTY HERE, MY BOY.

OKAY.

YOU READ THAT BOOK.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

(door shuts)

- HEY, DOCTOR.
- UH, VENUS, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- ARE YOU UP, MAN?
- YEAH, I AM UP.

- OH, I'M UP TOO.
- YEAH, YOU'RE NOT
AS UP AS I AM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'M
WAY MORE UP THAN YOU, MAN.

EVEN AS WE SPEAK, I AM CLIMBING.

- I'M ALREADY THERE.
- NOBODY IS THAT HIGH, MAN.

- YOU SEEN MY NUMBERS?
- DID YOU SEE MY NUMBERS?

- MY NUMBERS ARE WAY UP, MAN.
- CONGRATULATIONS.

- YOU TOO.
- (whooping)

- HEY, BAILEY.
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?

SAY HELLO TO TWO OF THE
TOP-CLASS, WORLD-HOT DEEJAYS.

HI. NOW, UM,

I KNOW BOTH OF YOU
DID WELL IN THE RATINGS,

BUT, UH...

WELL, WHAT I MEAN IS, UH,
WERE THE RATINGS GOOD?

- I MEAN, OVERALL?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST KNOW ABOUT MY
OWN AND MY MAN'S, HERE.

- WE WENT FROM 16 TO 14.
- YEAH, BUT IS THAT GOOD?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
FOR KRP, IT'S GREAT.

RIGHT, BUT BY ANDY'S STANDARDS?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY? DOES HE FEEL
BAD ABOUT THE BOOK?

YEAH, I THINK HE'S
FEELING PRETTY BAD.

WELL, MAYBE WE OUGHT TO
SKIP THIS LITTLE PARTY, THEN.

HEY, COME ON, EVERYBODY,
LET'S GO, GO, GO!

LOOK, MR. CARLSON...

YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS IS ONE
OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

- GREAT. NOW, THE THING IS...
- LISTEN, FEVER, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, FEVER,
MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOW IT,

BUT I THINK YOU AND I HAVE
MORE IN COMMON THAN YOU THINK.

REALLY?

I'LL GO TALK TO HIM. IS
HE STILL IN HIS OFFICE?

UH-HUH.

- OKAY.
- THANKS.

- FEVER? DID YOU SEE FEVER?
- NO.

GEE, HE WAS WITH ME
JUST A SECOND AGO.

HEY, MAN. YOU
COMING TO THE PARTY?

- YEAH, I'LL BE THERE
IN A MINUTE.
- EVERYBODY'S PRETTY EXCITED.

YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.

DON'T RUIN IT FOR
THEM, ALL RIGHT, ANDY?

- IT'S NOT A GREAT BOOK.
- THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S NOT.

HELL, JUST THE FORMAT CHANGE ALONE
WOULD'VE BROUGHT US FROM 16th TO 14th.

- I COPIED THAT
THE VERY FIRST WEEK I GOT HERE.
- YEP.

YOU GOT ANY IDEA HOW
SCREWED UP THIS STATION IS?

- YEP.
- OH, YOU DO, HUH?

- OH, YEAH.
- WHY DO YOU STAY?

I LIKE IT HERE, MAN,
AND SO DO YOU.

EVERY PLACE I'VE GONE TO BEFORE,
I'VE BEEN ABLE TO GET RESULTS.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I HAD A
PERFECT RECORD BEFORE KRP.

- PERFECT.
- SO NOW YOU'RE NOT PERFECT.

- COME ON.
- THAT'S WHAT'S
BOTHERING YOU, RIGHT?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
WHAT'S BOTHERING ME.

AND EVERYTHING I COULD'VE DONE
TO FIX THIS STATION, I DIDN'T DO.

- NOW, IS THAT RIGHT OR WHAT?
- HOW COULD YOU FIX
THIS STATION?

- (snaps fingers)
- FOR STARTERS,

FIRST THING I SHOULD'VE
DONE WAS GET RID OF HERB.

THE WORST SALES MANAGER
IN THE WORLD. THE WORST.

AND LES... OH, LES.

WHEN THE SHAH OF
IRAN WAS OVERTHROWN,

HE MISSED IT COMPLETELY.

HIS LEAD STORY FOR
THE DAY WAS ABOUT A HOG

THAT COULD DO ADDITION
AND SUBTRACTION.

JENNIFER IS THE HIGHEST-PAID
EMPLOYEE AT THIS STATION.

AND FEVER... I LET HIM
PROGRAM HIS OWN SHOW.

I KEEP TELLING HIM WE SHOULD
PLAY THE SAME TOP-10 HITS

OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

I ASKED HIM TO PLAY
JUST ONE DISCO SONG...

PLEASE, JUST ONE DISCO SONG...

AND HE THREATENS TO THROW HIMSELF
IN FRONT OF DONNA SUMMER'S TOUR BUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, VENUS.

I LET MYSELF BECOME
FRIENDS WITH THEM.

I GOT TOO CLOSE TO THEM.

YOU CAN'T DO MY JOB AND
BE PALS WITH EVERYBODY.

HEY, MAN, LET ME GIVE
YOU ANOTHER REASON

WHY YOU COULDN'T
FIRE THOSE GUYS.

- YEAH, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.
- ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU FIRED THEM FOR
NOT DOING THEIR JOB,

YOU KNOW WHO'D BE THE NEXT GUY
YOU'D HAVE TO FIRE AROUND HERE?

HUH? THE BIG GUY.

OH, NOW, VENUS, HE'S
THE STATION MANAGER.

HE HIRED ME. IT'S HIS
STATION. IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR.

YOU KNOW THAT. I
COULDN'T FIRE HIM.

YOU COULDN'T DO IT
NO MATTER WHAT, MAN.

YOU JUST DON'T HAVE WHAT IT
TAKES TO DO THAT KIND OF THING, ANDY.

- MAYBE NOT.
- IF YOU COULDN'T
FIRE THE BIG GUY,

THEN YOU CAN'T
FIRE THE LITTLE GUYS.

SO IT WOULD APPEAR,
MR. PERFECT RADIO EXECUTIVE,

YOU ARE TRAPPED IN A VERY
IMPERFECT RADIO STATION.

"TRAPPED" IS A VERY
GOOD DESCRIPTION,

WHICH IS A VERY GOOD REASON WHY
I OUGHT TO JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

OH, COME ON, MAN. YOU'RE NOT
GOING ANYWHERE. YOU KNOW THAT.

YOU'VE CHOSEN TO
BE HERE, MY MAN. YEAH.

YOU GAVE UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO
BE BOY WONDER OF AMERICAN RADIO

TO BE THE HEAD
GUARD AT A NUT FARM.

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
- OH, YEAH? THINK ABOUT IT.

OH, VENUS.

MY MAN, I DO LIKE IT HERE.

I LIKE IT BETTER HERE THAN
ANYPLACE I'VE EVER WORKED.

- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
- MM-HMM.

AM I THE GUARD OR
ONE OF THE NUTS?

I THINK YOU'RE A GUARD, ON
THE WAY TO BECOMING A NUT.

COME ON, YOU GUYS. THE
CHAMPAGNE'S BEGINNING TO FLOW.

- WE'LL BE THERE
IN JUST A MINUTE.
- RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS THE BIG GUY SPEAKING.

OKAY?

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO
ME? HOW DID I GET IN HERE?

I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS
AT THE OTHER STATIONS YOU WORKED FOR?

YEAH, SURE. I HAD A LOT OF 'EM.

- NO, NOT REALLY.
- WELL, THAT'S HOW YOU GOT HERE.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE ME
CREDIT FOR ONE THING, THOUGH.

WHAT'S THAT?

- I HIRED YOU.
- THAT'S WHEN YOU WERE
STILL PERFECT.

(exclaims)

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO TO A PARTY, HUH?

- HEY, ANDY...
- HUH?

THERE WAS SOMETHING I'VE BEEN
WANTING TO DO FOR A LONG TIME.

- WHAT?
- CAN I DO IT OR NOT?

- YEAH, SURE, I GUESS.
- THANKS, MAN.

(exclaiming)

(indistinct)

- YOU FEEL BETTER
ABOUT THAT NOW?
- OH, YEAH. HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- I FEEL GOOD.
- OKAY.

- OH, WAIT A MINUTE, VENUS.
- YEAH?

- YOU DO THAT AGAIN,
I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR LEGS.
- I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

Man: WKRP IN CINCINNATI

WILL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

HERB, HERE.

OH, THANKS, BABY.

TAKE THAT TO VENUS IN THE BOOTH.

ANYTHING YOUR LITTLE
HEART DESIRES, GORGEOUS.

THEN WAIT IN THE BOOTH
FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

I DON'T SHOW THOSE AROUND
TO EVERYBODY, BAILEY.

UH-HUH. AND WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S A THINK TANK.

OH. AND WHAT'S THAT?

UH, WELL, THAT'S A BATHROOM

FROM WAY UP IN THE SKY.

SO, AT THAT POINT, THE
RATINGS BOOK CAME OUT,

AND THEY FIRED ME ON THE SPOT.

THAT'S WHEN I STARTED
CHANGING MY NAME, SEE?

BAD BOOK, NEW NAME.

HEY, YOU HAVING A
GOOD TIME, TRAVIS?

- I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.
- HOW'S YOUR HEADACHE, ANDY?

MY WHAT? OH. OH, IT'S GONE.

OH, GOOD. THEN
STAND UP, WILL YOU?

- HMM?
- COME ON, COME ON. STAND UP.

I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST

TO THE MAN WHO'S DONE IT ALL.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I DIDN'T DO ALL THIS.

- All: OH, SURE, YOU DID.
- NO, I HAD HELP FROM YOU ALL.

- NO, YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE.
- I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE.

THERE IS NO WAY...

NO, LISTEN, LET'S
HAVE A BIG HAND...

(rock music plays)

(man singing, indistinct)

(meows)