WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 3 - Baseball - full transcript

Les, while never being able to participate in sports as a child, has dreams of greatness on the baseball diamond. He accepts a challenge from rival station WPIG for WKRP to play them in a softball game. Rivalries and hatred between the two stations rear their ugly heads.

(all talking at once)

EXCUSE ME. JENNIFER,
WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

- I DON'T KNOW. LES JUST SAID,
"GET EVERYBODY TOGETHER."
- OH, GREAT.

- HELLO, EVERYBODY.
- WHAT'S GOING ON, NESSMAN?

- IS EVERYONE HERE?
- YEAH.

- SORT OF.
- WHERE'S BUCKY DORNSTER?

- AT THE TOWER.
- YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO CALL HIM
AFTER THIS MEETING, THEN.

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT, NESSMAN?

I HAVE SOME VERY BIG NEWS.

WHAT?

I HAVE JUST ACCEPTED A CHALLENGE



FROM RADIO STATION
WPIG A.M. AND F.M.

TO PLAY THEM IN A SOFTBALL
GAME... HOW ABOUT THAT?

(all grumbling)

W-WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DON'T YOU WANT TO PLAY?

- NO!
- WHY NOT?

OH, LOOK, LES, IT'S
NOTHING PERSONAL.

I'M SURE ALMOST EVERYONE HERE HAS
SOMETHING PLANNED ALREADY THIS WEEKEND.

BUT, ANDY, THEY MADE ME WAGER

$200 ON THIS GAME.

- WHAT?
- YES. THAT WORKS OUT
TO ROUGHLY

- Both: $22 PER PERSON.
- INCLUDING BUCKY.

22 BUCKS?

LES, WPIG HAS A CITY
LEAGUE SOFTBALL TEAM.

THEY'RE VERY GOOD.



LAST YEAR, THEY
BEAT THE BAPTISTS.

SO? MR. CARLSON PLAYED

BASEBALL IN COLLEGE,
DIDN'T YOU, SIR?

- WELL, YEAH.
- THEY CALLED HIM "MOOSE,"
DIDN'T THEY?

(mooing)

HE TOLD ME HE WAS A
GREAT, GREAT ATHLETE.

- SHUT UP, LES.
- AND VENUS IS
A GREAT ATHLETE TOO.

WELL, THANKS, LES.
HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

SIMPLE. YOU'RE A NEGRO.

LES, WHY DON'T YOU CALL PIG

AND JUST TELL THEM TO
FORGET THE WHOLE THING, HMM?

JOHNNY, WE HAVE BEEN CHALLENGED.

SO WHAT?

I ACCEPTED THE CHALLENGE.

I GAVE THEM MY SOLEMN WORD.

I... SHOOK ON IT.

- (whistles)
- WOW, HE SHOOK ON IT!

WHO'D YOU SHAKE WITH, LES?

THE WPIG STATION
MANAGER, CLARK CALLAHAN.

CLARK CALLAHAN?

OOH, THAT DIRTY SWINE.

HE'D LOVE TO GET US OUT ON THAT
BALL DIAMOND JUST TO HUMILIATE US.

FORGET IT, NESSMAN.

"FORGET IT"?

"FORGET IT"?

THAT'S EASY FOR YOU
TO SAY, MR. CARLSON.

YOU WERE A BASEBALL STAR.

I BET ALL OF YOU HAD A CHANCE TO PLAY
BASEBALL WHEN YOU WERE KIDS, DIDN'T YOU?

DASHING ACROSS THOSE

SPARKLING GREEN DIAMONDS
UNDER A SUMMER SUN,

CRUNCHING THROUGH
THE AUTUMN LEAVES,

THE SMELL OF WOOD
SMOKE IN THE AIR.

WELL, SOME OF US
WEREN'T SO LUCKY.

NO, SIR.

SOME OF US HAD TO...

- TAKE VIOLIN LESSONS.
- (sputtering)

THOUSANDS OF VIOLIN LESSONS.

WE NEVER HAD A CHANCE
AS CHILDREN TO PLAY

THE GREAT AMERICAN PASTIME.

(mock sobbing)

WHAT ABOUT US?

YOU MEAN, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ALL RIGHT, HERB, WHAT ABOUT ME?

I'LL PLAY, LES.

YOU WILL, BAILEY?

ME TOO.

OH, THANK YOU, JENNIFER!

WELL, IT'LL GIVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY
TO WEAR MY NEW RED SHORTS.

- I'LL PLAY.
- ME TOO.

- BATS. WE'VE GOT TO HAVE BATS.
- YEAH, AND WE'LL NEED SHORTS...

SHIRTS. SHIRTS. WE'LL NEED SHIRTS,
WON'T WE? WE COULD BE THE SKINS!

JENNIFER, BAILEY!

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

THESE GUYS ARE GOOD.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE
SUPPOSED TO PLAY GIRLS TOO.

THEY ARE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT BROOKS
ROBINSON WAS A MAN.

BUENAS TARDES, FELLOW TEAMMATES.

- SAY, WHERE IS CENTER FIELD?
- Les: LET'S GO!

HEY, MAY I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION, EVERYONE, PLEASE?

EVERYONE, PLEASE? JENNIFER...

- HERB, WILL YOU
STOP FOLLOWING ME?
- I CAN'T HELP IT, JENNIFER.

- HERB... TEAM MEETING, BUCKY.
- I'M NOT HERE. I'M NOT KIDDING.

- ANDY, ANDY, I NEED YOUR HELP.
- WHAT IS IT?

- WILL YOU PLEASE CALL
EVERYONE TOGETHER FOR ME?
- OH, SURE THING.

HEY, LISTEN,
EVERYBODY, OVER HERE.

COME ON. I GUESS I WASN'T
YELLING LOUD ENOUGH.

UH-HUH. LISTEN TO LES.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
LISTEN UP, HERE.

I'M SPORTS DIRECTOR OF KRP,
SO NATURALLY I'M THE COACH.

IN ADDITION TO THAT,
I'LL BE PITCHING TODAY.

WHAT?

NOW, PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY.

THIS IS A SEVEN-INNING GAME,

SLOW-PITCH, AND NO STEALING.

NOW, BAILEY, YOU'LL
LEAD US IN A TEAM PRAYER.

- WHAT?
- HUH?

- WHY ME?
- BECAUSE YOU'RE
THE MOST WHOLESOME.

OH, UH... YEAH, I SUPPOSE I AM.

Les: GO AHEAD, BAILEY.

WELL... WELL?

- LORD...
- Man: PLAY BALL!

- HELP US.
- All: AMEN.

Bucky: KEEP YOUR EYE
ON THE BALL, ANDREW.

(all shouting encouragement)

- WE KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.
- WAY TO GO, ANDY!

THAT WAS A LUCKY
CATCH, CALLAHAN.

YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR
CLOCK CLEANED TODAY, ARTHUR.

HA! WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

ARTIE, WE HAVE THE NUMBER-ONE
RADIO STATION IN THIS TOWN,

AND WE ARE CERTAINLY THE
NUMBER-ONE SOFTBALL TEAM.

YEAH? WELL, WE HAPPEN TO BE THE
OLDEST RADIO STATION IN THIS TOWN,

AND WE'RE CERTAINLY THE-THE...

ALL RIGHT, HERB. GO GET
THOSE SHOES DIRTY, HERB!

(all shouting encouragement)

Bucky: TAKE 'ER DOWN, LESTER!

STRIKE! YOU'RE OUTTA THERE!

PLAY BALL.

(all shouting encouragement)

- FIRE IT IN THERE.
- COME ON, LESTER.

YOU CAN DO IT, LES!

OKAY, COME ON,
LES. THROW THE BALL.

UH, LES?

BUCKY?

- HOW'S YOUR ARM FEEL?
- MY ARM FEELS GREAT. I'M FINE.

- ALL RIGHT, LOOK...
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HOLD IT DOWN. LOOK,
LES, WHY DON'T YOU

TRY OUT THIRD BASE FOR A
CHANGE, LET MR. CARLSON PITCH?

NO, I'M THE PITCHER. I PITCH.

LOOK, LES, TRY THIRD BASE.

NO. I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.

LES, PETE ROSE PLAYED THIRD.

OH.

OKAY. WHERE'S THIRD?

OH, BOY. OH, BOY. I GUESS
IT'S UP TO YOU, MOOSE.

- Umpire: PLAY BALL!
- BALL.

COME ON, MOOSE! COME ON, MOOSE!

(shouts of encouragement)

- YOU CALL THAT PITCHING?
- SHUT UP, LES.

YES, SIR.

(all shouting encouragement)

STRIKE THREE. THE BATTER'S OUT.

WAY TO GO, MOOSE.

OH, COME ON, CALLAHAN,
IT'S JUST A GAME.

OH, SURE, IT IS. SURE, IT IS.

UH... UH, LES?

ANDY, THAT GUY TRIED TO KILL ME.

YEAH, I KNOW HE
DID, LES. HEY, LES?

HOW ABOUT TRYING
TO PLAY FIRST BASE?

WHY?

WELL, UH, PETE ROSE
PLAYS FIRST BASE.

- OKAY.
- OKAY. ATTA BOY.

HEY, BUCKY, COME ON OVER
HERE AND PLAY THIRD BASE.

- ANDY...
- HUH?

WHERE'S FIRST?

COME ON.

WAY TO GO, BAILEY!
THAT WAS REALLY GOOD!

OH, TERRIFIC!

AM I SUPPOSED TO CATCH THAT?

LES, MANY, MANY
GREAT BALL PLAYERS

HAVE PLAYED RIGHT FIELD.

- THERE'S CLEMENTE, AARON...
- WHO ARE THEY?

- NEVER MIND.
- ANDY, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.

I'M THE STATION'S SPORTS EXPERT.

THIS MAKES ME LOOK SO BAD.
PROMISE ME YOU WON'T MOVE ME AGAIN.

OKAY. NOW, LOOK,
YOU JUST STAND...

STAND RIGHT HERE, OKAY?

OKAY.

OKAY.

Woman's voice: LESTER,
TIME FOR VIOLIN LESSONS.

Boy's voice: YES, MOTHER.

(violin scales play)

LISTEN, YOU TWO, I'M REALLY
GETTING TIRED OF THIS.

- LET ME SEE THE BALL.
- WHAT FOR?

WHEN YOU HOLD IT, SEE, GET
YOUR FINGERS ON THE LACES.

AND WHEN YOU RELEASE IT,
RIGHT AT THE LAST MINUTE,

PUT A LITTLE
BACKSPIN ON IT, SEE?

- OH, I'VE BEEN THROWING
THAT SUCKER STRAIGHT.
- SORT OF.

I'M GONNA PLAY FIRST BASE.
YOU WORK NEXT TO THE MOOSE.

NOW, WHENEVER
HE PITCHES THE BALL,

USE YOUR IMAGINATION...
GIVE THE BATTER A LITTLE WAVE,

A LITTLE HIP ACTION,
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

- ALL RIGHTY.
- Umpire: COME ON, PLAY BALL.

- Venus: HEY, BUCKY, YOU'RE UP.
- OKAY. HERE, HOLD THIS.

- HEY, MAN, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'VE HAD ONE TOO MANY?
- ABSOLUTELY.

WAY TO GO, BUCKY! LET'S GO!

THAT'S GETTING A
CHUNK OF IT, BUCKY!

BIG DEAL.

HELLO, LITTLE PIG BATTER.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT'S GOING ON?

LOOK, SHE'S OUR CENTER FIELDER,

AND SHE'S JUST PLAYING
A LITTLE TIGHT, THAT'S ALL.

HEY, IT'S FINE WITH ME. COME
ON, LET'S PLAY BALL. LET'S GO.

LET'S GO. COME ON. PLAY BALL.

YOO-HOO!

Umpire: STRIKE ONE!

Umpire: STRIKE THREE!
BATTER, YOU'RE OUT!

UH, MR. CARLSON,
I THINK YOU'RE UP.

- OH, I AM?
- MR. CARLSON,
GET A HIT.

LOOK, ANDY, I REALLY DID PLAY
A LITTLE BASEBALL IN COLLEGE.

YEAH, I KNOW THAT. I KNOW.

I THINK IT'S MY EYES. I
THINK I NEED GLASSES.

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
NOW, LISTEN: YOU CAN DO IT.

GET A HIT, MOOSE.
UH, SIR. SIR MOOSE.

UH, MR. CARLSON?

LISTEN, LES,

MANY GREAT BALLPLAYERS HAVE
PLAYED AT MORE THAN ONE POSITION.

- Umpire: STRIKE ONE, BATTER.
- SURE. SURE.

I SHOULD'VE STUCK TO THE VIOLIN.

MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT.
I'M NO GOOD AT SPORTS.

- Umpire: STRIKE TWO.
- THE ONLY THING I'VE DONE
OUT HERE TODAY

IS MAKE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.

NO. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

COME ON, MOOSE!

STRIKE THREE.
YOU'RE OUT, BATTER.

- (oinking)
- Callahan: THAT A BOY, MOOSE!

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, A.C.

YEAH, SURE.

(cries out) YOU SWINE!

MURDERER! MURDERER!

- BATTER, TAKE YOUR BASE.
- JUST LEAVE ME HERE. GO ON WITHOUT ME.

I'LL ONLY HOLD YOU BACK.

ALL RIGHT, BAILEY.

COME ON, LET'S KEEP IT GOING.

"GOING"? WHERE ARE WE GOING?

ALL RIGHT, BAILEY!

Bailey: COME ON,
VENUS, GET A HIT!

(cheering)

Men: GET THE BALL! GET THE BALL!

(cheering)

(groans)

OKAY, TWO DOWN. TWO AWAY, GUYS.

(men chattering)

KEEP YOUR EYE ON
THE BALL, ANDREW.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.

(cheering)

HEY! LET'S GET THESE
JERKS OUT, ALL RIGHT?

- SURELY.
- DAMN.

COME ON, LES! GET A HIT!

(chuckles) OH, I THINK
THIS INNING'S OVER.

COME ON, LESTER! COME ON,
BABY! DO IT FOR US, NOW. GET A HIT!

- STRIKE ONE, BATTER.
- COME ON, LESTER!

LET'S GO, LET'S GO! COME ON!

- STRIKE TWO.
- KEEP YOUR EYE
ON THE BALL, LES.

COME ON, BABY!

OKAY, COME ON.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, LES.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, NOW.

STRIKE THREE. YOU'RE OUT.

AGAIN. (oinking)

LES, WE HAD A GOOD INNING, HUH?

WE GOT FIVE RUNS.

Andy: ALL RIGHT!
THAT'S TWO DOWN!

- (cheering)
- NICE CATCH! NICE CATCH!

STRIKE THREE! YOU'RE OUT!

COME ON, LES. THAT'S
THE END OF THE INNING.

I'LL TAKE THE BALL.

(cheering)

Venus: ALL RIGHT!

(violin scales play)

Young Les's voice: BUT, MOMMY, ALL
THE KIDS ARE PLAYING BASEBALL TODAY.

Les's mother's voice: LESTER,
TODAY'S THE RECITAL.

YOU DON'T WANT TO
MISS THE RECITAL, DO YOU?

Young Les's voice: NO,
MA'AM. I GUESS NOT.

HEY, LES, WE'RE UP TO BAT.

ALL RIGHTY, FOLKS. NOW,
THIS IS THE SITUATION:

THIS IS OUR LAST TIME AT
BAT. THE SCORE IS 9 TO 6.

WE NEED AT LEAST THREE
RUNS, OR THE GAME IS OVER.

JENNIFER, YOU'RE UP FIRST.

GET A HIT.

HOW ABOUT A WALK?

THAT'S FINE.

CONCENTRATE, DENNIS!

CONCENTRATE!

BALL FOUR. BATTER,
TAKE YOUR BASE.

(cheering)

DENNIS, THROW THE
BALL ACROSS THE PLATE!

OH, UH, MR. SECOND BASEMAN?

(cheering)

BYE-BYE!

ALL RIGHT, HERB! BASES
ARE LOADED! LET'S GO, BABY!

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, HERB. IT'S
ALL RIGHT. YOU DID A GOOD JOB.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO. WE'LL
GET 'EM. WHO'S UP NEXT?

- LES.
- OH.

(all shouting encouragement)

Les's voice: PLEASE,
LORD, LET ME HIT THE BALL.

YOU'RE OUTTA THERE!

- (oinking)
- (exclaims)

ONE MORE OUT! ONE MORE
OUT, AND THE GAME IS OVER!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
TELL YOU THIS, A.C., BUT, UH,

YOU'RE UP.

IT'S MOOSE!

LISTEN, CALLAHAN, I THINK
YOUR STATION STINKS.

I THINK YOUR CAR STINKS. I
THINK YOUR HOUSE STINKS.

I THINK YOU STINK,
CALLAHAN! YOU GOT THAT?

OKAY, EVERYBODY IN.

COME ON IN.

HEY, WHAT'S HE DOING?

THE STRIKEOUT KING
IS UP. THE GAME IS OVER.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S CALLING IN
THE OUTFIELD AND THE INFIELD.

- HUH?
- YEAH.

IT'S ALL YOURS, MOOSE.

HEY. HEY, COME ON, CALLAHAN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GIVING YOU GUYS A
BREAK. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

PLAY BALL!

(all shouting encouragement)

STRIKE ONE, BATTER.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

COME ON, COME ON.

STRIKE!

HEY, HOLD IT. UH, TIME OUT.

LOOK, MAN, WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR
PEOPLE BACK OUT THERE ON THE FIELD?

- WHY?
- BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THE GAME
TO END LIKE THIS, CALLAHAN.

- THIS IS NOT FUN ANYMORE.
- COME ON. IT'S JUST A GAME.

BESIDES, IF HE
JUST HITS THE BALL...

JUST HITS IT... YOU COULD WIN.

Umpire: PLAY BALL!

(cheering)

HEY, COME ON, MR. CARLSON! RUN!

I'M GONNA ENJOY THIS.

(all shouting)

- SAFE!
- I SHOULD HOPE SO.

(cheering)

ALL RIGHT, NOW, THIS
IS IT. LET'S HOLD 'EM.

LISTEN, JEN, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO PLAY CENTER FIELD?

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH. LISTEN, THE MOOSE
CAN HANDLE THIS, NOW.

OKAY.

Les's voice: PLEASE, LORD,
DON'T LET HIM HIT IT DO ME.

(cheering)

ONE AWAY.

Venus: I GOT IT!

ALL RIGHT. TWO AWAY.

LEFT-HANDED BATTER.

ALL RIGHT, BE READY
OUT THERE, LESTER!

DON'T HIT IT TO ME.

OH, PLEASE, DON'T HIT IT TO ME.

(violin scales play)

OH, NO.

WHY ME?

WHY ME?

ALL RIGHT, LESTER!

(all cheering)

THIS, THEN, WAS
MY FINEST MOMENT.

A THRILLING, FRIGHTENING EVENT
LIKE THIS USUALLY COMES TO BOYS...

AND NOW GIRLS...
WHEN THEY ARE 11 OR 12.

FOR ME, IT WOULD
HAPPEN 27 YEARS LATER.

I AM REMINDED THAT
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

DIDN'T HAVE HIS FIRST
GREAT, SUCCESSFUL PLAY

UNTIL HE WAS 49 YEARS OF AGE.

BEETHOVEN DIDN'T
WRITE HIS 9th SYMPHONY...

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
UNTIL HE WAS 53.

I KNOW NOW HOW
THESE MEN MUST'VE FELT.

BEETHOVEN WAS TOTALLY
DEAF AT THE TIME, BY THE WAY.

NOT EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

(bluegrass music plays)

(meows)