WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 21 - Filthy Pictures: Part 1 - full transcript

- OKAY, IS EVERYBODY HERE?
- YEAH, I THINK SO.

COULD YOU HURRY
THIS UP? I'M ON THE AIR.

- I ONLY COUNT SEVEN.
- ME TOO.

- WHO'S MISSING?
- YOU DIDN'T COUNT YOURSELF.

SURE, HE DID. THINK YOU'RE
DEALING WITH A FOOL?

- SHUT UP, HERB.
- RIGHT, BIG GUY.

ALL RIGHT, THE REASON I CALLED
YOU ALL IN HERE THIS MORNING

IS, UH...

AH, DARN IT, LET'S
JUST BE FRANK.

I WANT TO ASK EACH
AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

FOR A PERSONAL FAVOR.



AS YOU KNOW, I BELONG
TO THE LOCAL KIWANIS CLUB.

NOW, GRANTED,

THAT IS AN ALL-MEN'S
ORGANIZATION, BUT...

AND WHILE WE DIDN'T
HAVE, AND STILL DON'T,

A LARGE MINORITY
MEMBERSHIP, WE...

LOOK, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO
SAY RIGHT HERE AT THE OUTSET

THAT IF ANY OF YOU PEOPLE
ARE IN HERE JUST BECAUSE

I'M THE BOSS, THEN I
THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

I JUST PERSONALLY...

YOU SEE...

THIS YEAR, I HAVE BEEN
MADE THE CHAIRMAN

OF THE CHARITY FASHION
SHOW AND BAZAAR.

TRAVIS!

AND THE THEME THIS YEAR



IS "SURF CITY, U.S.A."

IN CINCINNATI, OHIO?

YES.

AND I WAS GONNA ASK EVERYBODY

IF HE OR SHE WOULD
PARTICIPATE IN THE FASHION SHOW

AS A MODEL.

EVERYBODY BUT HERB, OF COURSE.

JENNIFER, COULD WE COUNT
ON YOU AGAIN THIS YEAR?

OF COURSE.

OH. (chuckles)

A MODEL?

IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW,
MAN. (mumbling)

- WHAT'S THAT?
- I SAID, I'VE NEVER BEEN
A MODEL BEFORE.

- WELL, YOU'D LIKE IT.
- OH!

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

OH, DO IT FOR MR. CARLSON.

I'D SURE APPRECIATE IT, ANDREW.

- WELL...
- COME ON!

WELL, OKAY. GEEZ.

JENNIFER, I WAS HOPING,
AND VERY DEEPLY, IN FACT,

THAT YOU WOULD APPEAR
ON OUR ADVERTISING POSTER.

OF COURSE, THAT
WOULD NECESSITATE YOUR

POSING, UH, IN A BATHING SUIT.

- WELL, MR. CARLSON...
- WELL, WHY NOT? YOU'D LIKE IT.

- I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
- WHAT'S TO THINK?

COME ON, DO IT FOR MR. CARLSON.

IT WOULD JUST BE YOU, JENNIFER,

AND ANDY, STANDING THERE
IN YOUR BATHING SUITS.

I'LL DO IT.

♪ BABY, IF YOU'VE
EVER WONDERED ♪

♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪

♪ I'M LIVIN' ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪

♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪

♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKIN' AND UNPACKIN' ♪

♪ TOWN TO TOWN, UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪

♪ I'M AT WKRP IN CINCINNATI ♪

AND IT'S 57 DEGREES AT 9:35.

HERE'S ONE RECORDED LIVE
AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN,

IN NEW YORK CITY, THE
BIG "NO NUKES" RALLY.

"RUNAWAY," WITH BONNIE RAITT.

I'D LIKE TO.

♪ AS I WALK ALONG... ♪

- FEVER, RELINQUISH THE BOARD.
- WHAT?

THERE'S BEEN A STARTLING
DEVELOPMENT IN THE NEWS.

WHAT, A SHIFT IN
THE WIND DIRECTION?

JOHNNY, I AM A
TRAINED PROFESSIONAL.

THIS IS IMPORTANT, TRUST ME.

OKAY, LES.

THIS IS LES NESSMAN
WITH A SPECIAL NEWS B...

- WHY IS THE MUSIC STILL ON?
- (mouths words)

- (volume increases)
- (mouths words)

(volume off)

BOY, WHAT A LOUSY BOARD.

TODAY, THE QUEEN CITY STRETCHED
WIDE ITS WELCOMING ARMS

TO THE OHIO HOG
FARMERS' ASSOCIATION

ON THE OCCASION OF THEIR
ANNUAL PORK FESTIVAL.

THIS REPORTER HAS LEARNED
FROM A RELIABLE SOURCE

CLOSE TO THE HOG PERSONS

THAT YOURS TRULY, LES NESSMAN,
HAS BEEN NAMED FEATURED SPEAKER

AT THE CLOSING NIGHT'S SWINE
SOIRÉE AND DINNER DANCE.

CONGRATULATIONS, LES.

(speaking indistinctly)

ROAD TO A STRONGER AMERICA.

TICKETS ARE ON SALE AT
SELECTED AGENCIES EVERYWHERE.

YOU SURE THIS GUY'S GOOD, HERB?

HE IS THE BEST PHOTOGRAPHER
IN CINCINNATI... FOR THE MONEY.

- WHOO! HERE HE COMES!
- (whooping)

(whistling)

ANDY, WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

I'M DYING, LES.

DON'T LET HIM GET
YOU DOWN, TRAVIS.

YOU'RE REALLY HELPING
THE NEW CHILDREN'S HOME.

WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE, ANDY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR THEM?

I'M POSING IN A...
IN A BATHING SUIT.

OH. OOH-LA-LA-LA!

WELL, I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

I MEAN, HOW COME THE WOMEN ARE
ALWAYS DOING THE CHEESECAKE, HUH?

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE
GOT TO SEE A LITTLE...

BEEFCAKE. (blows)

MR. CARLSON, I CAN'T DO THIS.

TRAVIS, IGNORE THIS.

COME ON, THEY'RE JUST
TEASING YOU A LITTLE BIT. (chuckles)

ALL THIS IS GONNA BE IS A...

IS A PICTURE OF A YOUNG COUPLE
STANDING ON A BEACH, WAVING.

- (groans)
- NOTHING MORE THAN THAT.

COME ON, LET'S GO GET JENNIFER.
THAT PHOTO SESSION'S AT 2:00.

- COME ON. TRUST ME.
- Herb: COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON!

AY-YI-YI! (whistling)

LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

♪ EAT YOUR HEART
OUT, HUGH HEFNER ♪

(vocalizing)

HEY, YOU GUYS READY YET?

Jennifer: JUST ABOUT THERE.

ANDY?

ARE YOU READY?

Andy: NO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NOTHING. GO AWAY.

OH, COME ON.
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.

IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MY
BATHING SUIT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I KNOW. MINE'S THE SAME WAY.

THIS IS STUPID.

OOH, HEY, HEY, HEY!

YOU TWO LOOK TERRIFIC! WHOO!

TARLEK TOLD ME I WAS
GOING TO ENJOY THIS,

- BUT VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
- OH, DEAR.

HEY, PAL, GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THE BACKDROP, WILL YA?

THERE YOU GO.

A LITTLE MORE.

RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE. AND...

- IS THIS OKAY?
- PERFECT.

ANDY?

ANDY?

I'M COMING, ANNETTE.

NOW, GET IN THERE.
THAT'S IT. MOVE IN THERE.

LOOK AT THAT BACKDROP. THEY
SAID IT WAS NO GOOD... IT'S PERFECT.

OKAY, NOW, THE TWO OF
YOU, GIVE ME SOME SKIN HERE.

FLASH THE BODS AROUND,
AND I'LL JUST CLICK AWAY.

MAKE IT LOOK REAL SEXY.

WHAT?

MAKE IT LOOK REAL SEXY.

"SEXY"?

OKAY, OKAY. UH, WAVE.

HERB CALLED THIS GUY, RIGHT?

WAS THERE EVER ANY DOUBT?

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

FABULOUS.

OKAY, NOW,

I WANT YOU TO MOVE AROUND
THE BEACH AND FROLIC.

GIVE ME A LOT OF FROLIC.

I'M NOT GONNA FROLIC.

HEY, PAL, GIVE ME
A BREAK, WILL YA?

THESE ARE BEACH
SHOTS. YOU GOT TO FROLIC.

JENNIFER, TALK TO HIM, WILL
YA? YOU'VE MODELED BEFORE.

ANDY, I THINK WE
REALLY DO OWE THEM

A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF FROLIC.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

COULD WE JUST THROW
THIS BALL BACK AND FORTH?

- ANYTHING.
- OKAY.

TAKE IT AWAY.

- COME ON.
- OKAY.

THE GUY'S A REGULAR
TROY DONAHUE.

I'M SORRY.

TRA-LA-LA, FUN, FUN, FUN,

AND... THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- THAT'S IT?
- THAT'S IT?

THAT'S IT. EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF
RELEASE FORMS I WANT YOU TO SIGN.

- WHAT FOR?
- OH, IT'S JUST ROUTINE STUFF.

GIVES YOUR PERMISSION FOR PUBLICATION
OF ANY PICTURES TAKEN ON THESE PREMISES.

- NOW, CAN WE GET
OUR CLOTHES ON?
- HEY, COME ON.

YOU LOVED IT, DIDN'T YOU?

I THOUGHT IT STUNK,
AND I DESPISED IT.

OKAY.

(shutter clicking)

AND SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MY MAIN POINT TONIGHT IS,

TA-DA, TA-DA, TA-DA, BLAH,
BLAH, BLAH, ETCETERA, ETCETERA.

(forced laughter)

OH, NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE TOO KIND.

NO, NO, NO. PLEASE, PLEASE.

AH! AH! AH!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE,

I MUST BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE.

(imitating crowd cheering)
HOG PERSONS, PLEASE.

MY VOICE CAN'T BE
HEARD ABOVE THIS RUCKUS.

(imitating crowd cheering)

- MORNING, GUYS.
- HEY, TRAVIS. OH, HOW DID
YOUR PHOTO SESSION GO?

I HATED IT. I'M NEVER
DOING ANYTHING

LIKE THAT AGAIN EVER
AGAIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

TELL THE BIG GUY. IT'S HIS IDEA.

WELL...

HELLO.

PLEASE.

HOW'S IT GOING, BIG BOY?

SIT DOWN.

WE'LL TALK.

HOW ABOUT A...
CHAMPAGNE COCKTAIL?

(clicks tongue)

UH-UH.

ANYBODY HOME?

HELLO?

Photographer: I'M IN HERE.
BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.

OKAY.

I'LL JUST WAIT RIGHT
OUT HERE FOR YOU, OKAY?

(photographer screams)

THANKS, PAL. YOU
KNOW WHAT THIS WAS?

- NO.
- WELL, NOW NOBODY ELSE
WILL EITHER.

GEE, I'M SORRY. I...

YEAH. OH, WHAT THE HELL?

I'M ALL THROUGH WITH THIS
PENNY-ANTE STUFF ANYWAY.

OKAY, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

UH, MY NAME'S ARTHUR CARLSON.

I'M HERE TO PICK UP THE PICTURES

FOR THE "SURF'S UP
IN CINCINNATI" POSTER.

OH, YEAH. YEAH. GOT 'EM
RIGHT HERE. WAIT JUST A MINUTE.

TELL ME SOMETHING:

YOU WORK FOR THAT SAME
LOONY TOON TARLEK DOES?

YEAH.

WHOOPS! NOT THESE.
WHOO! NO, SIRREE!

UH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE GOT YOURS HERE.

JUST LET ME LOOK FOR... I
BET YOU THEY'RE IN THE DRYER.

JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE.

HEY, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE...
HEY, HEY, HEY. GIVE ME THOSE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WELL, THAT... THAT'S
MY... MY RECEPTIONIST.

MY SECRET... THAT'S MY JENNIFER!

SO WHAT?

SHE'S... SHE'S... NAKED.

LOOK, PAL, HERE ARE YOUR
PICTURES. I'LL BILL YOU.

- WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE?
- SHE POSED FOR THEM.

NO, SHE DIDN'T. SHE
WOULDN'T DO THAT.

WELL, THEN, IT'S HER
WORD AGAINST MINE.

AND BESIDES, PICTURES DON'T LIE.

NOW, LOOK, I'M VERY BUSY.

WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO WITH THOSE?

I'M GONNA SELL THEM.

THAT'S WHAT I DO FOR A
LIVING: I SELL PICTURES.

YOU'RE GONNA SELL
THOSE PICTURES TO SOME

CHEAP GIRLIE MAGAZINE?

NO, I'M GONNA SELL THEM
TO THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

- (snaps fingers)
- JUST WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU SELL THOSE
PICTURES FOR PUBLICATION,

I'M GONNA HAVE MY LAWYER ALL
OVER YOU, AND DON'T THINK I WON'T!

I DON'T THINK SO. YOU SEE,

I GOT THE LADY'S
RELEASE FORM RIGHT HERE.

LOOK, PAL, I'VE BEEN
DOING THIS FOR YEARS.

I KNOW ALL THE INS AND OUTS: WHAT'S
LEGAL, WHAT'S NOT. I'M NO AMATEUR.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE
BIG ONE. THIS LITTLE LADY IS IT.

IT'S LIKE THOSE MARILYN
MONROE PICTURES.

PLAYBOY BUILT AN
EMPIRE ON THOSE.

THOSE PHOTOGRAPHS ARE LIKE GOLD.

I'M THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER
COMING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

OH, COME ON.

THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? HUH?

YOU CAN'T DO NOTHING.

GO HOME.

HELLO, MR. CARLSON.

H... (clears throat)
HELLO, JENNIFER.

DID YOU SEE THE PICTURES?

YES.

ARE THEY GOOD?

YES.

- YOU LIKED THEM, THEN?
- Y-YES.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

YES. IS HERB HERE?

I THINK HE'S BACK IN THE BULLPEN.
THEY'RE ALL PLAYING CARDS.

OH, GOOD.

WELL, THAT ENDS OUR LITTLE
FIVE-MINUTE CARD BREAK, BOYS.

- BACK TO WORK.
- OH, HI, A.C.

- HI.
- PICK A CARD, BIG GUY.

HERB, ALTHOUGH IT'S BEEN SAID
MANY TIMES, MANY WAYS, YOU'RE FIRED.

AND I'M NOT KIDDING.
YOU'RE GONE.

- WAIT A MINUTE...
- I'M SORRY, HERB. THAT'S IT.

- MR. CARLSON, WHAT'S GO...
- OH, AND YOU, TRAVIS,
YOU WERE THERE.

- YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
BE HER ESCORT.
- WHAT?

THIS PHOTOGRAPHER
OF HERB'S CHOOSING

HAS SOMEHOW GOTTEN NUDE
PICTURES OF OUR JENNIFER.

- LET'S SEE 'EM.
- WHERE ARE THEY?

NO, HE DIDN'T.

I SAW THEM IN THE OFFICE.

WHAT IS HE GONNA DO WITH THEM? SELL
THEM TO SOME GIRLIE MAGAZINE OR SOMETHING?

NO, HE'S GONNA SELL THEM
TO THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

WISE UP, VENUS.

HEY, I JUST ASKED
A QUESTION, MAN.

LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT
I'M UPSET BY ALL OF THIS.

JENNIFER DOESN'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT AN INJUSTICE
HAS BEEN DONE TO HER,

AND I'M THE ONE THAT'S GONNA HAVE
TO TELL HER BECAUSE IT WAS MY IDEA.

I MEAN, WERE IT NOT FOR ME,
THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE I'M NOT FIRED.

I CAN'T BLAME YOU, HERB.

I THOUGHT I COULD.

I DEARLY WANTED TO. BUT I CAN'T.

HOW... NUDE IS SHE?

WELL, THIS, UH... NUDE-NUDE.

WAIT A MINUTE. NOW, HOLD ON.

I DON'T GET THIS. NOW,
WE WERE TOGETHER.

WELL, THE PICTURES LOOK LIKE THEY
WERE TAKEN WHEN SHE WAS CHANGING.

- WHY, THAT DIRTY...
- ISN'T THAT AGAINST THE LAW?

APPARENTLY NOT.
RELEASES WERE SIGNED.

THE ATTORNEY SAID WE CAN
FIGHT IT, BUT THE PICTURES

PROBABLY GET PUBLISHED
ANYWAY, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

(slaps table)

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

JENNIFER'S GONNA...

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S
GONNA DO. THIS IS GONNA KILL HER.

- Mr. Carlson: YEAH.
- WERE THE NEGATIVES

IN THE ENVELOPE WITH THE PHOTOS?

YES.

AND YOU KNOW WHERE THAT
ENVELOPE IS IN THE OFFICE?

YES. I THINK IT'S IN HIS DESK.

WELL, I'M GONNA SUGGEST

SOMETHING RIDICULOUS HERE.

AS USUAL, IT'S ONE OF MY

DEEPLY BENT IDEAS,
AND I SUGGEST IT

JUST SO THAT WE
CAN DISMISS IT QUICKLY

AND MOVE ON TO SOUNDER GROUND.

BUT NEVERTHELESS,

WHY DON'T WE WATERGATE IT?

Mr. Carlson: WHAT?

YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU NUTS? BREAKING
AND ENTERING IS A FELONY!

- GOOD LORD, FEVER.
- WHY DON'T WE THINK OF
SOMETHING ELSE?

WAIT-WAIT-WAIT A MINUTE HERE.

UH...

FEVER JUST MIGHT
BE ON TO SOMETHING.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT ELSE TO DO ABOUT IT.

LOOK, I'M CERTAINLY NOT GONNA
LET SOME SLEAZY PHOTOGRAPHER

RUIN THE LIFE AND REPUTATION
OF A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE

JUST BECAUSE SHE DID ME A FAVOR.

- I'M WITH YOU, BIG GUY.
- WE GET CAUGHT,

WE COULD GO TO JAIL.

YEAH, THAT'S THE PART OF
THE PLAN THAT I DON'T LIKE.

NOW, LOOK. I REALIZE
THERE'S A CERTAIN AMOUNT

OF RISK AND, UH,
POSSIBLE PROSECUTION.

IF ANY OF YOU AREN'T
WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK,

THEN I SAY YOU JUST
WALK RIGHT NOW.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY
ANYTHING TO YOU.

WE'RE NOT GONNA THINK
ANY THE WORSE OF YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

FEVER, NOW WHAT?

(rattling)

(glass shatters)

(knocking, rattling)

One, two, three.

SHH!

Venus: WELL, WE FIGURED 30
MINUTES TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR.

WE DID IT IN A MINUTE AND A HALF, BUT I
DON'T THINK WE'LL GET AN "A" FOR NEATNESS.

Andy: I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T GONNA
TALK. WHAT ARE WE TALKING FOR?

Mr. Carlson: WE'VE GOT TO TALK!
WE'VE GOT TO COMMUNICATE!

- Andy: WILL YOU SHUT UP?
- I BEG YOUR PARDON!

I'M SORRY, MR. CARLSON,
BUT I'M SO AFRAID, I'M...

Johnny: LISTEN, KID,
WE'RE ALL SCARED.

ANY MAN WHO SAYS
HE'S NOT IS A LIAR.

Venus: ARE YOU NUTS,
JOKING AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

TELL HIM TO STOP!

Andy: SETTLE DOWN. WE'RE ACTING
LIKE A BUNCH OF REPUBLICANS.

Johnny: THAT'S RIGHT.

Mr. Carlson: WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT? I'M A REPUBLICAN.

Andy: YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

- Venus: ME NEITHER.
- I THOUGHT YOU GUYS KNEW.

Both: NO.

Johnny: ALL RIGHT,
KNOCK IT OFF, YOU GUYS.

LOOK, MAYBE HE IS A REPUBLICAN.

MAYBE HE'S A BLACK MAN.

MAYBE HE'S FROM THE SOUTHWEST.

BUT WE'RE ALL AMERICANS,
AND WE CAME HERE

TO DO A JOB, OKAY?

Venus: WILL YOU STOP THAT?!

Andy: WE CAME HERE
TO GET THE PHOTOS.

WE'RE GONNA GET THE PHOTOS,
AND WE'RE GONNA GET OUT OF HERE.

LOOK, I THINK THE PHOTOS
ARE... GIVE ME THE FLASHLIGHT.

OH, YEAH. THIS DRAWER'S
FULL OF PHOTOS.

I'M GONNA GO THROUGH
EACH AND EVERY ENVELOPE.

Venus: DO YOU HAVE
ANOTHER FLASHLIGHT?

- NO.
- PERFECT.

Johnny: WHY DON'T WE TURN
ON THE OVERHEAD LIGHT?

Venus: ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Johnny: YEAH. I'M
HERE, AREN'T I?

(exclaiming)

Mr. Carlson: WHAT THE
DICKENS WAS THAT?

Johnny: I DON'T KNOW.

Andy: I NEED THE LIGHT.

Venus: ALL I GOT IS
NEGATIVES OVER HERE.

Andy: THERE'S A
SHOT OF TOOTHPASTE.

THERE'S ANOTHER
SHOT OF TOOTHPASTE.

Johnny: LIGHT, PLEASE.

- YEAH, SURE.

Venus: I CAN'T MAKE THIS OUT.

LET ME SEE THAT
LIGHT FOR A SECOND.

Mr. Carlson: I THINK I'M GONNA
NEED THAT LIGHT AGAIN, JOHNNY.

- YEAH, COME ON, A.C.

Venus: WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S A WOMAN
SMILING AT A CIGARETTE.

Johnny: ALL I GOT HERE IS
PORTRAITS OF LABRADOR RETRIEVERS.

Mr. Carlson: WELL, HERE'S
A PICTURE OF A NUDE LADY.

OH, BUT IT'S NOT JENNIFER.

Johnny: UH, CAN I SEE THAT?

Venus: ME TOO.

- I JUST WANT TO SEE IT...
- I TOLD YOU NO!

- (all arguing)
- (siren wailing)

Johnny: I CAN'T HAVE MEN
LIKE THIS UNDER MY COMMAND!

COME ON! SHAPE UP, BOYS.

Mr. Carlson: KNOCK IT OFF!

- (sirens grow louder)
- SHH, LISTEN.

Man: WKRP IN CINCINNATI

WILL BE BACK AFTER THIS.

THAT WAS CLOSE. I MEAN,
THAT WAS REAL CLOSE.

- MAN, IT WAS AN AMBULANCE.
- I DON'T CARE WHAT IT WAS.

IT CAME DOWN THE STREET.

IT CAME DOWN THE STREET,
AND IT SCARED ME TO DEATH.

THE MOST FRIGHTENING MOMENT
OF MY LIFE, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

IT'S A GOOD THING I KEEP AN
EXTRA PAIR OF JEANS IN MY OFFICE.

I'M GONNA GO SEE
WHAT MOSS IS UP TO.

I'M SORRY, MR. CARLSON.

WE JUST DO NOT MAKE
VERY GOOD BURGLARS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE DID THIS.

WE COMMITTED A CRIME!

I THINK WHAT WE SHOULD
DO IS... TURN OURSELVES IN.

OH, NO, A.C. I KNOW
WE WERE BAD BOYS,

AND WE'RE GOING TO
HELL FOR WHAT WE DID,

BUT WE CAN'T GO TO NO PRISON.

I CAN DEAL WITH GOING TO HELL,
BUT I CAN'T DEAL WITH GOING TO JAIL.

I COMMITTED A CRIME.

WHAT'S EVEN WORSE,

I HAD YOU YOUNG FELLOWS HELP ME.

HOW DID I DO THAT? I MEAN, WHAT
MAKES SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN?

I MEAN, I'M A KIWANIAN.

I DRIVE A DODGE, FOR GOSH SAKES.

BEIGE.

- MR. CARLSON...
- BLACK SIDEWALLS.

MR. CARLSON, TAKE
IT EASY, ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T HELP IT. I'M JUST NOT THE SORT OF
FELLOW WHO GOES AROUND COMMITTING CRIMES.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW THOSE
MATTRESSES WITH THOSE TAGS,

"UNLAWFUL TO REMOVE"?

IT MAKES ME NERVOUS JUST TO
HAVE THOSE SUCKERS IN THE HOUSE.

I'M REALLY HUNGRY.
YOU GUYS HUNGRY?

- WHY DON'T WE GET
SOMETHING TO EAT?
- YOU GO ON WITHOUT ME.

MR. CARLSON'S FEELING A
LITTLE GUILTY, THAT'S ALL.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
MR. CARLSON WANTS US TO...

(chuckles) TURN OURSELVES IN.

COME ON, NOW. WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THAT?

WE GET A LITTLE REPRIMAND
AND A CLEAR CONSCIENCE.

- SURE. IF YOU DON'T
HAVE A RECORD.
- OH.

A RECORD?

HAVE YOU GOT A RECORD?

NO.

NOT IN THIS COUNTRY.

IT WAS NOTHING!

IT WAS A MINOR
MISUNDERSTANDING ONE NIGHT

WITH 145 MEXICAN COPS.

HE'S JUST KIDDING.

- LET'S GO EAT.
- I THOUGHT THEY WERE SOLDIERS.

- I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU.
- I SAID, "SHOW ME SOME BADGES,"

AND THE GUY SAID, "BADGES?

WE DON'T NEED NO
STINKING BADGES."

MR. CARLSON, I GUESS, UH,

SOMEONE SHOULD TELL
JENNIFER ABOUT THIS.

YEAH.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT. I'LL HANDLE IT.

NO.

NO, I'LL DO IT. IT'S
MY RESPONSIBILITY.

OKAY.

(snoring)

- MR. CARLSON...
- RUN!

- WHAT?
- HUH?

OH.

UH, I'M SORRY,
JENNIFER. I'M SORRY.

WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE?

OH, BOY, WOULD I. YEAH.

OKAY.

(stretching yawn)

HERE YOU GO.

UH, THANKS, JENNIFER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MM! OH, BOY, THAT'S GOOD.

OH, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

HAVE YOU BEEN HERE ALL NIGHT?

NO. MATTER OF FACT,
I DIDN'T GET HERE

UNTIL ABOUT 4:00.

WERE YOU WORKING?

NO. NO, NO. I WAS OUT

TRYING TO GET SOME
PICTURES... SNAPSHOTS.

AT 4:00?

UH, JENNIFER, SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

JENNIFER, THAT, UH,
PHOTOGRAPHER, GONSER...

OH, JENNIFER, HE'S
DONE A TERRIBLE THING.

AND THEN I... DID A...
A TERRIBLE THING.

WHAT IS IT, MR. CARLSON?

JENNIFER, THAT
PHOTOGRAPHER GOT SOME

PICTURES OF YOU...

WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON.

I THINK HE TOOK THEM
WHEN YOU WERE CHANGING.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I-I S... I SAW THEM. I'M SORRY.

HOW WERE THEY?

OH, JUST REAL GOOD. UH...

WHAT I MEAN IS,

YOU COULD CERTAINLY
SEE THAT THEY WERE TAKEN

BY A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

OH. OH, MY.

YEAH.

OH, JENNIFER, IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

I MEAN, THIS WHOLE
THING WAS MY IDEA.

I CAN'T EVEN ASK
YOU TO FORGIVE ME,

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I'VE BEEN WORRIED

AND UPSET ABOUT
THIS WHOLE THING.

SO MUCH, SO, JENNIFER, THAT I...

I DID THE MOST FOOLISH
THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.

WHAT?

TOOK ADVICE FROM JOHNNY FEVER.

ANDY, VENUS, JOHNNY,
AND YOURS TRULY,

WE BROKE INTO THAT
PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO TONIGHT

TO TRY AND GET
THOSE PICTURES BACK.

I GUESS WE'RE NOT
VERY GOOD BURGLARS.

YOU, UH... YOU ALL
DID THAT FOR ME?

YES.

MR. CARLSON, THAT
WAS VERY FOOLISH.

OH, I KNOW.

THANK YOU.

WELL, I CAN JUST
PICTURE THE FOUR OF YOU

SNEAKING AROUND
THERE IN THE DARK.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD'VE
COME TO ME FIRST.

- WELL...
- YOU KNOW,

NOW, WHO WOULD
HAVE THE BEST CHANCE

OF GETTING SOMETHING
OUT OF THAT STUDIO...

YOU GUYS OR ME?

IT'S EASY. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO USE

IS A CREDIT CARD.

WITH THIS CREDIT CARD,
I CAN OPEN ANY DOOR

JUST LIKE THIS THAT I WANT TO.

- REALLY?
- OH, YEAH.

YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE SENT

JENNIFER OVER THERE
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I MEAN, A GUY LIKE GONSER WOULDN'T
STAND A CHANCE WITH A WOMAN LIKE THAT.

WHAT... WHAT HAPPENED?

THE PHOTOGRAPHER IS GAY.

WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID, THE
PHOTOGRAPHER... GONSER...

WHATEVER HIS NAME IS... IS GAY.

HE'S GAY?

HE'S GAY. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

THAT WHEN YOU AND I WERE
STANDING THERE IN BATHING SUITS,

AND HE SAID, UH...
HE SAID, "VA-VA-VOOM,"

HE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME?

"FLASH YOUR BODS," HE SAID.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I-I-I
REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

"GO AHEAD AND FROLIC."

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

AND GOD HELP ME, I FROLICKED.

I FEEL SO USED!

OH, BAILEY, NO, PLEASE DON'T.

COME ON, GORGEOUS.

YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST
KEWPIE DOLL TO GET HIS

CORSAGE SAT ON.

- WHAT THE DEVIL DOES THAT MEAN?
- I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I THINK YOU OUGHT TO
STOP THIS STUPID MACHO STUFF

AND START WORRYING
ABOUT JENNIFER.

WELL, I'M NO EXPERT, JENNIFER,

BUT, UM, WOULDN'T A MAN

CHANGE HIS RELIGION,
SO TO SPEAK, IF, UH,

YOU WERE, SO TO
SPEAK, THE CHURCH?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO, LES.

WELL,

MAYBE HE'D LIKE HERB.

WHAT?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE, HERB.

SOMEHOW, WE'VE GOT TO CAJOLE THOSE
NEGATIVES AWAY FROM THAT PHOTOGRAPHER.

OBVIOUSLY ANDY IS TOO
SHATTERED BY ALL OF THIS

TO BE OF ANY HELP,

AND YOU'RE ALWAYS TELLING ME WHAT A
SQUARE I AM AND HOW APPEALING YOU ARE,

SO OBVIOUSLY,
YOU'RE THE MAN TO GO.

BESIDES, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FOUND
THIS PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

LES, YOU'RE FINALLY HAVING

THAT BIG MENTAL BREAKDOWN

WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I...

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T
HELP ME ANYWAY, HERB.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

HI.

HOW'S IT GOING?

HERB?

WELL, HE'S NOT GAY,
THAT'S FOR SURE.

AND I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE...

I'M NEVER, EVER
DOING THAT AGAIN.

I GET ENOUGH
REJECTION FROM WOMEN.

BUT HE IS GAY.

WHY WOULD A MAN LIE TO ME
ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

'CAUSE, JENNIFER.

HE'S A CROOK.

A CROOK AND A LIAR.

AND HE'LL SAY
ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

WHAT WILL I TELL PEOPLE WHEN
THOSE PICTURES ARE PUBLISHED?

WHAT'LL I SAY TO MY MOTHER?

WELL, I'D LIKE TO JUST GO RIGHT
OVER THERE AND PUNCH THE GUY OUT.

NOW, HOLD ON, PARDNER.

(Western twang) VIOLENCE
NEVER SOLVED ANYTHING.

THAT'S IT. I'M
GOING TO KILL YOU.

YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU JUST THINK
ABOUT IT, MAN. IT DIDN'T.

SEE, WHAT WE NEED HERE IS, UH,

AN EDGE, YOU KNOW?
AN ANGLE, A PLAN,

SOME KIND OF... STING.

WELL, YOU'VE SEEN EVERY MOVIE
EVER MADE. THINK OF SOMETHING.

WELL,

THE ONE THING THAT'S
COMMON TO ALL SCAMS

IS NOT HOW SMART YOU ARE

OR HOW GREAT YOUR PLAN IS,

IT'S HOW GREEDY YOUR VICTIM IS.

WELL, WE'RE IN BUSINESS HERE.

A.C., I NEED ABOUT
$300, $400, OKAY?

- OH...
- IS IT IMPORTANT?

- YEAH.
- OKAY.

BAILEY, CAN YOU PLAY
LIKE AN AGGRESSIVE,

REALLY STRAIGHTFORWARD
WOMAN WHO'S BEEN AROUND?

- OH, NOPE. I CAN'T.
- THE HELL SHE CAN'T.

GOOD. GOOD.

NOW I'LL NEED, UH...

I'LL NEED TIME TO THINK.

A SHOT OF BOURBON.

COUPLE HOURS OF SHUTEYE.

OH, GOD.

- D. ARNOLD GONSER?
- YEAH.

HOW DO YOU DO? MY NAME
IS PHILIPPE CARAVELLA,

AND THIS IS GINGER GREGG.
WE'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU.

- WHAT ABOUT?
- BUSINESS, MR. GONSER.

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE
WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY.

OKAY. HAVE A SEAT.

- GINGER.
- THANK YOU, PHILIP.

MR. GONSER, I SHALL
COME RIGHT TO THE POINT.

YOU ARE IN POSSESSION OF
PHOTOGRAPHS OF A WOMAN

LIVING IN CINCINNATI, A
MISS JENNIFER MARLOWE.

WE WANT THOSE PHOTOS.

HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
THAT? WHO ARE YOU TWO?

WHO WE ARE IS OF NO
CONSEQUENCE TO YOU, MR. GONSER.

WE SIMPLY WANT YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS.

OH, NO. UH-UH. UH-UH.

YOU EITHER TELL ME WHO YOU
ARE, OR YOU GET OUT OF MY STUDIO.

EXCUSE ME, BUT WE WANT
THOSE PHOTOGRAPHS, MR. GONSER,

AND WE ARE PREPARED
TO PAY A HIGH PRICE.

AND THEN WE'LL GET
OUT OF THIS VILLAGE

AND BACK TO NEW YORK
AS SOON AS WE CAN.

I'LL CALL YOU A CAB.

MR. GONSER, WE ARE IN
THE PUBLISHING BUSINESS.

BOTH PHILIP AND I HAVE EITHER
WORKED FOR OR COUNSELED WITH

PLAYBOY, PENTHOUSE,
AND HUSTLER MAGAZINE.

PHILIP WAS AN ART
DIRECTOR, AND I WAS A MODEL.

- PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR.
- YES. 1975.

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I
THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED YOU.

MR. GONSER, WE REPRESENT

A WEST GERMAN PUBLISHING FIRM

WISHING TO START A NEW
MAGAZINE IN THIS COUNTRY.

JUST OFFER HIM THE
MONEY, AND LET'S GO.

I WILL DO THIS IN MY
OWN FASHION, PHILIP.

WOLFGANG SPECIFICALLY SAID
THAT I WAS TO BE IN CHARGE.

WOLFGANG DOES NOT SPEAK
FOR THE ENTIRE CARTEL.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, BUT
I BELIEVE THAT HE DOES.

- HE DOESN'T.
- HE DOES.

HE DOESN'T.

- SO HELP ME, GINGER.
- SO HELP YOU WHAT?

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. NOW,
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, LOOK, YOU TWO HAVE
WORKED TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME.

LET'S TRY TO REMEMBER WE'RE ALL FRIENDS
HERE. WE CAME HERE TO DISCUSS BUSINESS.

ARE YOU GOING TO BE CIVIL?

OF COURSE, MY DARLING.

GOOD. GOOD, GOOD.
HAVE A SEAT, PLEASE.

NOW, TELL ME, HOW DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT THE PICTURES?

YOU OFFERED THEM TO
TWO OTHER PUBLICATIONS,

PERHAPS MORE.

- NO. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- DON'T LIE TO ME, MR. GONSER.

I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR LIES!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I OFFERED THEM,

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WE HAVE... SPIES, IF YOU WILL.

THEY TELL US THAT
THIS MARLOWE WOMAN

IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN THEY'VE SEEN IN YEARS.

HOW MUCH ARE YOU WILLING TO PAY?

WELL, I MUST SEE
THE PHOTOS FIRST.

SURE.

I HAD TO ASK HIM TO SEE THEM.

YOU DON'T BUY THINGS
LIKE THIS SIGHT UNSEEN...

THOUSANDS OF THEM.

- HERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU.

THAT WILL DO.

THEY'RE-THEY'RE
EXCELLENT. THEY'RE FINE.

THEY'RE VERY GOOD, ACTUALLY. THERE
MAY BE SOME TROUBLE WITH THE LIGHTING...

WHAT IS YOUR PRICE, MR. GONSER?

WELL, NOW, I DON'T KNOW.

I'LL HAVE TO THINK
ABOUT THAT. I MEAN,

THESE ARE THE FIRST
PICTURES IN A NEW MAGAZINE?

THESE PICTURES CAN MAKE OR BREAK
YOU. WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR MAGAZINE?

- NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
- MAKE IT MY BUSINESS.

IT'S CALLED NA-VAHL.

THAT'S N-A-V-E-L.

VERY STYLISH.

I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW THE MEANING
OF THE WORD "STYLISH," MR. GONSER.

- HOW MUCH?
- I DON'T KNOW STYLISH?

LOOK, PAL, JUST REMEMBER

YOU TWO USED TO BE RIGHT
DOWN HERE WHERE I AM...

JUST A NUDE MODEL AND
HER ILLUSTRATOR BOYFRIEND.

BUT NOW, OF COURSE, YOU'RE A
BUNCH OF NEW YORK BIG-SHOTS.

- HOW MUCH?
- $30,000.

HOW MUCH?

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS, MR. GONSER.
- TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

- PHILIP, WRITE THE CHECK.
- NO CHECK. THIS IS
A CASH BUSINESS.

OUR CHECK IS GOOD.

NO CHECK. I'LL TAKE
A MONEY ORDER.

I REPEAT, SIR: OUR
CHECK IS GOOD.

- I REPEAT: MONEY ORDER.
- FINE.

LET'S GO ACROSS THE
STREET TO THE BANK.

- NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
- NO. THAT WON'T DO.

I AM TIRED OF ARGUING.

PHILIP, WE HAVE GOT TO
GET BACK TO NEW YORK

TO TALK TO THE INVESTORS
AND HIRE STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS.

NOW, COME ON. LET'S
GO BACK TO THE BANK.

WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE. DID, UH...

- DID YOU JUST SAY
"HIRE STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS"?
- YES.

WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT ME?

WHY NOT? I'M GOOD.

- OH, I'M SORRY, MR. GONSER.
- OKAY, FORGET IT.

NO PICTURES. I DON'T
CARE WHAT YOUR PRICE IS.

LISTEN TO HIM, PHILIP.

DO SHUT UP, GINGER.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU!

I AM AFRAID THAT IT
WOULDN'T WORK, MR. GONSER.

PHILIP WOULD HIRE YOU
JUST TO GET THE PICTURES,

THEN HE WOULD TURN
AROUND AND FIRE YOU.

THAT IS THE TYPE
OF PERSON HE IS.

UNLESS...

UNLESS YOU WERE...
ONE OF THE INVESTORS.

IMPOSSIBLE.

IT IS A VERY SMART
INVESTMENT, MR. GONSER.

DuPONT, XEROX AND BURGER KING

HAVE ALREADY INVESTED SECRETLY.

GINGER, YOU TALK
ENTIRELY TOO MUCH.

- YOU ALWAYS TALK TOO MUCH!
- SHUT UP, PHILIP.

I COULD TAKE STOCK
INSTEAD OF CASH, COULDN'T I?

YOU COULD.

OH! $30,000!

THAT'S HOW MUCH
STOCK PHILIP OWNS.

I DARESAY HE
COULDN'T FIRE YOU THEN.

GINGER, WHEN WE GET
BACK TO NEW YORK...

- YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF
A DEAL, MISS GREGG.
- GOOD.

I'LL HAVE OUR LAWYERS TELEX A
LETTER OF AGREEMENT DOWN HERE.

THE PHOTOS AND NEGATIVES WILL
SERVE AS YOUR INVESTMENT. AGREED?

- WELL, UH...
- NO.

WHY NOT?

IT WILL BE THE
PHOTOS, THE NEGATIVES,

PLUS $500 IN CASH.

WHY?

JUST TO BE A PAIN.

- PHILIP, PLEASE...
- NO, NO. NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S NO PROBLEM. I'LL JUST
WRITE OUT A CHECK. BIG DEAL.

NO, NO, NO, NO. NO CHECKS.

THIS IS A CASH BUSINESS.

- PLEASE, PHILIPPE...
- OKAY, OKAY.

I'LL GO ACROSS THE STREET
AND GET YOU A MONEY ORDER.

VERY WELL.

JENNIFER, WE THOUGHT

YOU'D TAKE PLEASURE
IN DESTROYING THESE.

OH, THANK YOU, BAILEY.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, SO MUCH.

HEY, WE GOT THE PHOTOS
AND THE NEGATIVES

AND 500 BUCKS TO BOOT.

UH, NO, WE DIDN'T.

HERE, MR. CARLSON.

THIS IS FOR THE KIWANIS
CHILDREN'S FUND.

- Andy: HEY-HEY!
- (applauding)

HUH? HEY-HEY. THANK YOU, BAILEY.

GINGER.

GINGER.

GINGER, I DESPISE YOU.

I ALWAYS HAVE,
AND I ALWAYS WILL.

THAT DOES IT.

I JUST LOVE IT WHEN
THINGS GET BACK TO NORMAL.

I JUST LOVE IT!

YOU KNOW, I AM GOING
TO INCINERATE THESE.

UH, JENNIFER,

I DON'T SUPPOSE
THAT WE COULD JUST

HAVE A... JUST A LITTLE... PEEK?

NO, INDEED NOT.

HEY, BABY.

YOU KNOW, PURPLE'S
MY FAVORITE COLOR.

HOW ABOUT A DANCE, HUH?

BETTER YET, HOW ABOUT
A CHAMPAGNE COCK...

WAIT A MINUTE, BAILEY. YOU
KNOW I WEAR BIKINI UNDERWEAR.

(sighs deeply)

PERFECT.

(rock music plays)

(man singing, indistinct)

(meows)