WKRP in Cincinnati (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 13 - Goodbye Johnny - full transcript
Johnny gets a job offer and a chance to return to the Los Angeles radio market (the place of his greatest success.) The staff of WKRP try to trick Fever into staying by showing how much they mean to him. But Johnny goes anyway.
♪♪
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. SURF'S UP,
AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
DAY HERE IN CINCINNATI.
THAT'S RIGHT, BABIES. WE GOT A
BLISTERING 14 DEGREES OUTSIDE.
AND THERE IS A GENTLE WIND
WAFTING DOWN FROM THE NORTH...
AT ABOUT 1,000 MILES AN HOUR.
ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME
TO STRAP 'EM ON, BABIES.
HERE WE GO. IT'S DR. FEVER'S SEASONAL
CINCINNATI SNOWSHOE SHUFFLE STOMP.
YOU READY? EVERYBODY DANCE! I
CAN FEEL THE EXCITEMENT ALREADY!
♪♪
NO TIME FOR PLEASANTRIES,
JOHNNY. WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY HERE.
I HAVE TO INTERRUPT YOUR
PROGRAM. WH-WH-WHAT...
♪♪
SMOOTH, LES.
WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM
FOR A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR. THIS IS LES
NESSMAN WITH A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN...
FOR WHICH WE HAVE INTERRUPTED
OUR REGULARLY-SCHEDULED PROGRAM.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
THAT PROGRAM WILL RETURN...
TO THE AIRWAVES FOLLOWING
THIS SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.
ONE, TWO, THREE... AND NOW,
HERE'S THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
TODAY IN CINCINNATI,
IT IS SNOWING.
R.F. "SKIPPY" NELSON, CHIEF
MAINTENANCE SUPERVISOR...
FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF
STREETS AND HIGHWAYS...
IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
WITH THIS REPORTER,
DESCRIBED THE
SCENE AS, AND I QUOTE,
"A REAL MESS, LES."
END QUOTE.
THIS STATION IS ADVISING EVERYONE
WITHIN A 400-MILE RADIUS OF MY VOICE...
TO DRESS WARMLY DURING THIS
UNEXPECTED VISIT FROM JACK FROST.
THIS HAS BEEN LES
NESSMAN REPORTING.
WE RETURN YOU NOW TO OUR
REGULARLY-SCHEDULED PROGRAM.
♪♪
♪♪ VERY PROFESSIONAL, LES.
THANK YOU, JOHNNY.
I MIGHT HAVE TO INTERRUPT
YOUR PROGRAM AGAIN.
THE WHOLE WORLD'S WAITING
FOR WORD ON THIS, RIGHT?
I'VE GOTTA STAY ON TOP OF THIS.
GOOD GOD, MAN! YOU'RE
NOT GOING OUT THERE AGAIN?
IF I HAVE TO, I WILL.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I'LL BE AT THE WINDOW,
WATCHING CAREFULLY.
♪♪
LES?
- YOU STARTLED ME.
- I'M SORRY. WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
IT'S A WEATHER WATCH. I HAVE AN
UPDATE AT THE TOP OF THE HOUR.
OH, WELL, YOU BETTER
GET A MOVE ON THEN.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S NOT
AS EASY AS IT LOOKS, ANDY.
OH, I KNOW, LES.
WEATHER'S TOUGH.
YEAH.
♪ IT'S A LOVELY DAY TODAY ♪
♪ SO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO ♪
♪ YOU GOT A LOVELY
DAY TO DO IT IN ♪
♪ AND THAT'S TRUE ♪♪
MIND IF I COME IN?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
- MIND IF I SING?
- DO YOU HAVE TO?
WHAT'S GOT YOU IN SUCH
A JOVIAL MOOD TODAY?
OH, MAN, THE MOST AMAZING
THING HAS HAPPENED.
HEY, YOU ENJOY, UH,
POETIC JUSTICE, HUH? YEAH.
JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY.
WITH AN OCCASIONAL BIT OF IRONY?
YOU GOT ME ON THE EDGE
OF MY SEAT. WHAT'S THE POINT?
- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
- I'LL DO MY VERY BEST.
REMEMBER HOW I GOT
CANNED OUT IN L.A.? YEAH.
FOR SAYIN' "BOOGER" ON
THE AIR? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, GET THIS. THE TOP COMPETITOR
OF THE GUY THAT FIRED ME...
WANTS TO HIRE ME... YOU GET IT?
YOU GOT A JOB OFFER? RIGHT!
IN L.A.? RIGHT AGAIN.
WELL, A-A-RE YOU GONNA TAKE IT?
HELL, YES, I'M GONNA TAKE IT. I MEAN,
DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS?
IF IT'S A QUESTION OF MONEY,
I'LL TALK TO CARLSON ABOUT THIS.
THE MONEY DON'T MEAN
NOTHIN' TO ME, MAN.
YOU'RE TALKIN' TO A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN
WHO LIVES LIKE A COLLEGE STUDENT.
I GOT TWO PAIRS OF
SOCKS. I EAT OVER THE SINK.
IF IT'S NOT THE MONEY,
THEN... NO, NO, MAN.
FOUR MONTHS AGO,
I'M SLEEPIN' IN A VAN.
IT'S NOT MY VAN. I DON'T CARE.
GIVE ME CHANCE
TO TALK TO CARLSON.
YOU JUST DON'T
GET IT, DO YA, PAL?
LOOK, WHEN THAT CLOWN FIRED ME,
I COULDN'T FIND WORK FOR MONTHS.
I MEAN, NOBODY IN THE BUSINESS
WOULD ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS.
BUT NOW, I GOT A
SHOT AT GOIN' BACK...
AND PROVIN' TO THEM THAT I
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SACKED.
THE DOCTOR IS HOT, BABY.
THE DOCTOR IS ON HIS WAY.
THE DOCTOR IS OPERATING.
FORCEPS, NURSE.
MIND IF I LEAVE?
YES.
YES, I DO.
♪ BABY IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED ♪
♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪
♪ I'M LIVING ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪
♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪
♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKING AND UNPACKING ♪
♪ TOWN TO TOWN UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪
♪ I'M AT WKRP ♪
♪ IN CINCINNATI ♪♪
OH.
HI, HERB. HOW'S IT GOIN'?
- BIG GUY, WILL YOU
TALK TO BAILEY?
- OKAY.
- MORNING, BAILEY.
- MR. CARLSON,
HERB IS CRAZY.
YES.
GO ON.
HE NEVER GIVES ME A CHANCE...
WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD ON.
NOW, NO OFFENSE, BAILEY,
BUT PART OF YOUR JOB AROUND
HERE IS WRITING COMMERCIALS.
BUT YOU DON'T DO
A VERY GOOD JOB.
HOW SO? ALL RIGHT.
DON'T GET UPSET. I KNOW YOU'RE
A JOURNALISM SCHOOL GRADUATE,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT
THE BITE IN THE OLD SALES MESSAGE.
FOR EXAMPLE? FOR EXAMPLE...
THIS COPY FROM THE
NORTH MALL PET VILLAGE.
GET A LOAD OF THIS, BIG GUY.
"WOULDN'T YOU
LIKE TO COME HOME...
TO A CUDDLY, WARM, LITTLE
COMPANION LIKE A COCKER SPANIEL?"
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT? I LIKE IT.
BIG GUY, THEY'RE SELLIN' DOGS
LEFT AND RIGHT DOWN THERE.
WHAT WE GOTTA DO IS MOVE THE
MERCHANDISE THAT'S PILING UP IN THE BACK.
- I SEE.
- FOR EXAMPLE, HERB.
FOR EXAMPLE, BAILEY, THIS IS THE
WAY YOU WRITE ONE OF THESE THINGS.
"BIG SNAKE SALE.
"S-S-S-SAVE. S-S-S-SAVE.
"S-S-S-SAVE. PICK
AND CHOOS-S-S-SE.
"MIX AND MATCH.
EVERYTHING'S-S-S-S MARKED DOWN.
"THESE MARVELOUS PETS-S-S-S
ARE QUIET AND HARD-TO-FIND.
"RID YOUR HOME OF
PESKY RODENTS-S-S-S...
"AND UNWANTED
BABY CHICKS-S-S-S-S.
S-S-S-S-STARTLE YOUR
FRIENDS-S-S TODAY."
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, HERB. BUT
OVERALL, I LIKE BAILEY'S COPY BETTER.
WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT SELLS.
LET'S FACE LIFE AS IT IS, OKAY?
MR. CARLSON, WE HAVE
GOT BIG TROUBLE. UH-OH.
MOTHER'S ON HER WAY. LOOK,
HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
I'LL DISAVOW ALL KNOWLEDGE.
YOU DO MOST OF THE TALKING.
WHEN SHE WALKS... MR. CARLSON, IT
IS NOT MAMA. IT IS WORSE THAN MAMA.
WORSE? WHAT COULD
BE WORSE THAN MAMA?
UH, LOOK, UH, BAILEY, HERB,
COULD YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?
SURE, ANDY.
THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING
STRANGER AND STRANGER, DON'T THEY?
COME ON, TRAVIS.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
IT'S JOHNNY. HE'S
GOT A JOB OFFER.
JOHNNY? YEP, AND
IT IS A GOOD ONE.
- IN RADIO?
- YES.
WHERE? L.A.
- WHAT ARE WE PAYING HIM NOW?
- 17.5.
17.5, HUH? YOU THINK THEY
CAN TOP THAT OUT THERE?
MM-HMM. I THINK THEY
PROBABLY COULD, YES.
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO
SWEETEN THE POT A LITTLE BIT, THAT'S ALL.
YOU GO TO HIM
WITH AN OFFER OF 19.
YOU FEEL HIM OUT. IF HE
GETS ROUGH, WE'LL GO TO 19.1.
TWO?
ALL RIGHT, THREE. AND IF HE DEMANDS A
PARKING SPOT, WE'LL GIVE HIM NESSMAN'S.
I MEAN, THESE THINGS ARE
NEGOTIABLE. MR. CARLSON,
THAT AIN'T GONNA
CUT IT. WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A
QUESTION OF MONEY. IT'S PRIDE.
PRIDE? WELL, THEN
YOU JUST TELL HIM...
WE'RE ALL VERY PROUD
OF HIM, OFFER HIM 18.
DO YOU DUDES KNOW ABOUT JOHNNY?
YEAH, WE WERE JUST HAVIN' A DUDE'S
CONFERENCE OVER THAT VERY SUBJECT.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET HIM
WALK OUT OF HERE, ARE YOU?
ONE OF THE REASONS I CAME TO THIS
STATION WAS TO WORK WITH THE DOCTOR.
I KNOW THAT, VENUS.
OKAY, LOOK. I'M GONNA...
I'M GONNA TALK WITH HIM SOME MORE.
MR. CARLSON'S GONNA OFFER HIM A PAY RAISE.
BUT, UH, I'M NOT SO
SURE THAT'S GONNA WORK.
WELL, THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING LEFT TO DO.
THE DOCTOR'S OUR FRIEND.
LET'S TRICK HIM INTO STAYING.
- HEY, NO, MAN.
- WELL, WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IF WE'RE GOOD GUYS
AT ALL, WE'D BE HAPPY FOR JOHNNY.
HE HAS WAITED FIVE YEARS TO GET
THE CHANCE TO GET BACK ON TOP.
YEAH. YEAH, I GUESS SO.
HEY.
YOU, UH, MIND IF I COME IN?
NOT AT ALL, DOCTOR.
I GUESS YOU HEARD,
HUH? YEAH. YEAH.
I WONDER IF I COULD ASK
A FAVOR OF YOU GUYS?
OH, YEAH, SURE. ANYTHING.
I JUST TALKED TO L.A.
ON THE PHONE AGAIN.
AND-AND THEY NEED ME SOONER. SO I WONDER
IF I COULD LEAVE WITH ONE WEEK'S NOTICE.
UH... WELL... YEAH, OKAY.
I, UH... I GUESS I COULD GO
OUT AND PLAY IN THE SNOW.
THE LAST TIME I'LL
EVER SEE THAT JUNK.
YOU MIND IF I LEAVE?
WHAT DO YOU GOT IN MIND?
OKAY, HERE'S THE PLAN.
I'LL TAKE NOTES.
- BYE.
- YOU GOING HOME, JOHNNY?
YEAH, IT'S, UH, NOON. IT'S
ALMOST PAST MY BEDTIME.
- SLEEP TIGHT.
- YEAH.
OH, UH, BY THE WAY, I HAVEN'T
CONGRATULATED YOU YET ON YOUR BIG JOB.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I GUESS
YOU'LL PROBABLY GO OUT THERE...
AND BECOME A BIG PERSONALITY
AND FORGET ALL OF US.
NOT... ALL OF YOU.
SEE YOU TOMORROW. YEAH. SO LONG.
SO LONG. SO LONG.
BYE. BYE.
BYE.
LET'S GET THIS
STRAIGHTENED OUT RIGHT NOW.
HEY, EVERYBODY. MAY I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
EXCUSE ME.
HEY, EVERYBODY... JENNIFER?
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
UH, I THINK WE'VE COME UP...
WITH A WAY TO KEEP JOHNNY
FROM GOING TO LOS ANGELES.
WHY?
SO, YOU ALWAYS START
WITH AN AMUSING STORY.
ONCE YOU'VE GOT THE AUDIENCE
LAUGHING, THEY'RE PUTTY IN YOUR HANDS.
RIGHT. NOW, WHERE ARE
YOUR THREE-BY-FIVE CARDS?
WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANY.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY?
NO, LES, I DIDN'T THINK THAT
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING...
THERE I WAS, YOU
SEE, AT GUADALCANAL.
OR, UH, MAYBE IT WAS MINANOWA.
I DON'T KNOW, BUT THE JAPANESE
WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
WERE YOU ON VACATION?
WE BETTER GET GOIN' BEFORE
WE LOSE THE BIG GUY, HUH?
I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE
LOST HIM ALREADY. YEAH.
AND THE CHEESE PUFF
WAS JUST SCRUMPTIOUS.
HONEST, ANDY, I THOUGHT WE
WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING OUR WIVES.
IT'S OKAY, HERB.
JOHN, I THOUGHT WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO BRING WIVES.
IT'S OKAY, HERB. SO, YOU'RE
OFF TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?
YEAH. UH, IS THAT A REAL
BUTTER PATTY THERE?
I DON'T KNOW. UH, WHY
DON'T YOU EAT ONE? OH!
EXCUSE ME.
UM, YOU ALL KNOW
WHY WE'RE HERE...
TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO OUR
DEAR FRIEND, DR. JOHNNY FEVER.
AND WE ALL WANNA WISH HIM
THE VERY BEST AT HIS NEW STATION.
SO, TO GET THIS TESTIMONIAL
STARTED, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE...
THE GUY WHO REALLY
HOLDS WKRP TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME.
NICE MAN, THAT HERB.
THERE ARE, UH, ONE
OR TWO THINGS...
I THINK NEED TO BE
SAID HERE, AS I SEE IT.
FIRST OF ALL, JOHNNY,
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT
WE'RE DARN PROUD OF YOU...
FOR LANDING THAT
BIG FISH... OF SUCCESS.
NOW, THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE
OUT THERE IN CALIFORNIA...
GONNA TELL YOU THAT FISHING IN CALIFORNIA
IS BETTER THAN IT IS IN CINCINNATI.
I GOT ONE THING
TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
YOU GOTTA GO "FREEP
DEA SISHING" OUT THERE.
UH, UH, WHATEVER IT IS. THEY
PUT YOU IN THOSE LITTLE BOATS,
AND THEY DRAG YOU OFF THE COAST OUT THERE,
AND THEY SET YOU IN A HOT SUMMER SUN.
YOU GET WET AND STICKY,
AND IT'S A SMELLY BAIT AND...
IT'S TERRIBLE. GIVE ME A ROD
AND A REEL AND THE OLD OHIO...
OR A NEARBY LAKE,
AND I'M A HAPPY MAN.
I'LL BE A SON OF A GUN.
DO YOU KNOW THAT
THIS IS THE VERY ROOM...
IN WHICH THE ROTARIANS
PRESENTED ME...
WITH THE ROTARIAN
OF THE WEEK AWARD?
I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT
LUNCHEON AS LONG AS I LIVE.
THAT WAS SOME LUNCHEON.
THAT WAS SOME
LUNCHEON. I'LL TELL YA.
IT'S ONE FOR THE MEMORY BOOKS.
WELL, WE'RE OFF TO
AN ELECTRIFYING START.
SO, UH, NOW LET'S HAVE ONE OF
THE HIGH SPOTS OF THE EVENING.
OUR OWN LES NESSMAN,
AS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW,
WAS A PAST PRESIDENT OF...
THE CINCINNATI CHAPTER OF THE
SPEECHMAKERS CLUB OF AMERICA.
OH!
AND AS SUCH, TRAVELED UP
AND DOWN THE OHIO VALLEY,
SPEAKING TO ANYONE
THAT WOULD LISTEN.
SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR OWN
TOASTMASTER GENERAL, MR. LES NESSMAN!
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
I HAVE SET ASIDE
MY USUAL SPEECH,
"THE RED MENACE IN
OUR OWN BACKYARD,"
IN ORDER TO PAY TRIBUTE
TO DR. JOHN FEVER,
WHICH BRINGS TO MIND
AN AMUSING STORY...
- OKAY, WHO WANTS
STRAWBERRY TARTS?
- OVER HERE. OVER HERE. UH-HUH.
AS I WAS SAYING, IT
HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE...
THEY'RE REAL
LITTLE, HONEY. OH...
WE DON'T CARE. I SHALL CONTINUE.
TART? LEAVE ME ALONE!
SUIT YOURSELF.
NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING
YOURSELF, "HOW CAN I,
"AN OHIO FARMER,
AFFECT POLICY IN PEKING?
I'M ONLY ONE MAN."
THIS IS THE WRONG SPEECH.
LES... M-MY CARDS ARE ALL
MIXED UP. IT'S BAILEY'S FAULT.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST WING IT? WING IT?
YEAH. WE NEVER WING IT, VENUS.
THAT'S SPEECHMAKERS RULE NUMBER
ONE. "ALWAYS COME PREPARED."
OKAY. WE'RE REALLY ROLLING
NOW, AREN'T WE, FOLKS?
AND NOW, LET'S HAVE A WORD FROM
THAT PERSON WHO DID SO MUCH...
IN HELPING US PLAN THIS
BANQUET, MISS BAILEY QUARTERS.
UM, I... I JUST WANTED TO
SAY, UM, THANKS, JOHNNY.
WHEN I FIRST CAME
TO WKRP, I, UH...
I DIDN'T KNOW A THING
ABOUT A RADIO STATION.
AND I GUESS I WAS JUST
A LITTLE SHY BACK THEN.
BUT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO
SHOW ME THE ROPES, AND...
AND YOU GAVE ME THE KIND
OF CONFIDENCE I NEEDED.
YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND, JOHNNY,
AND I WISH YOU WOULDN'T GO.
WHEN I THINK OF WKRP, I...
WELL, I ALWAYS THINK OF YOU.
I GUESS I ALWAYS WILL.
IS IT WORKIN'? IS HE GONNA STAY?
NEXT, LET'S HAVE A WORD FROM THE
WORLD'S GREATEST SALES MANAGER,
HERB TARLEK!
I'D, UH, LIKE TO BEGIN
BY SAYING THAT, UH,
I THOUGHT WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO BRING OUR WIVES.
I MEAN, UH, IF I'D HAVE KNOW NONE
OF YOU WERE BRINGING YOUR WIVES,
I WOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT MINE.
I WENT TO A COSTUME PARTY ONCE.
BUT IT WASN'T.
EVERYBODY ELSE WAS IN REGULAR
CLOTHES, AND I WAS IN THE RABBIT SUIT.
ANYWAY, JOHN,
YOU'RE REALLY GREAT.
WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU.
OH, PLEASE DON'T GO.
HOW'S THAT? GREAT,
HERB. REAL FINE.
WELL, UH, WE'VE BEEN KINDA
SAVIN' THE BEST TILL NOW, JOHNNY.
HERE'S THE ONE PERSON NO MAN IN
HIS RIGHT MIND COULD SAY GOOD-BYE TO,
JENNIFER MARLOWE.
IN MANY WAYS, I
THINK I'M GOING TO...
MISS JOHNNY MORE THAN
ANYONE ELSE IN THIS ROOM.
YOU SEE, I TOO...
I TOO HAVE... OH, I GUESS
WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL MY OWN...
PRIVATE ROMANTIC FANTASIES.
I KNOW THIS...
THIS REALLY ISN'T THE TIME
OR PLACE TO TALK ABOUT IT,
OUT HERE IN FRONT
OF ALL THESE PEOPLE,
BUT LET ME SAY THIS...
I'M REALLY GOING
TO MISS YOU, JOHNNY.
OH, YEAH! UH...
UH... AND, UH, FINALLY,
A WORD FROM ANDY. AH.
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, JOHNNY,
I THINK YOU KNOW
WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE.
AND IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT
WE ALL WISH YOU THE VERY BEST.
WHEN YOU LEAVE TOMORROW MORNING,
YOU TAKE OUR AFFECTION WITH YOU.
IT'S, UH... WELL, IT'S
GONNA BE A SAD...
IT'S GONNA BE...
HELL, I CAN'T DO THIS.
JOHNNY, THIS WHOLE
SHINDIG IS A COMPETE SHAM.
WE DON'T WANNA WISH
YOU GOOD LUCK IN YOUR JOB.
WE WANNA TRY AND TRICK YOU INTO
STAYIN', AND I THINK IT MIGHT'VE WORKED.
WE LIED TO YOU, MY FRIEND.
BUT, UH... WELL, MAN,
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
WE DID IT OUT OF LOVE.
JOHNNY, MY MAN, UH, THIS
SCAM WAS MY IDEA, AND I'M SORRY.
UH, SO INSTEAD OF READING
THIS SPEECH I HAVE HERE,
LET ME JUST SAY THAT WE
REALLY DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE.
BUT WE KNOW THAT IT'S BEST
THAT YOU LEAVE. IT'S A GOOD OFFER.
AND WE WISH YOU THE BEST.
BUT I'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY THAT I GUESS
WE DO FEEL KIND OF ASHAMED HERE.
I KNOW THAT'S KIND OF
THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW.
HEY, LOOK, DON'T
FEEL THAT WAY, OKAY?
I MEAN, UH, IT'S A GREAT PARTY,
YOU KNOW. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE
ANYBODY WENT TO THIS MUCH TROUBLE...
TO LIE TO ME.
AND, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I... I THINK THAT I OWE
ALL OF YOU AN APOLOGY.
I... I JUST BEEN THINKIN'
ABOUT MYSELF, AND I...
I FORGOT HOW MUCH EACH
ONE OF YOU MEANS TO ME, AND...
I JUST WANNA SAY THAT...
I'M MORE THAN A
LITTLE MOVED HERE.
I'M... I'M WITH MY FRIENDS.
HAVE FUN.
IT WORKED!
YOU WERE GREAT.
WELL... WELL, IS THE
GUEST OF HONOR LEAVING...
BEFORE HE HAS HIS DESSERT?
I DON'T THINK WE LOST THE
GUEST OF HONOR AT ALL.
WE DID IT, MAN. WE DID IT. I
THINK IT LOOKS THAT WAY.
HEY, EVERYBODY,
I FOUND MY CARDS.
I FOUND MY SPEECH. OKAY.
LISTEN TO THIS.
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TONIGHT
TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO ONE SWELL GUY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- WELL?
- ANDY, HE DIDN'T
COME IN THIS MORNING.
- WELL, THE BACKUP
MAN'S ON, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
IS HE ON? HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.
OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY. I
KNOW JOHNNY'S GONNA BE BACK.
HE'S BEEN LATE
BEFORE, HASN'T HE?
OH. HEY, I THINK I SAW
JOHNNY'S CAR IN THE LOT.
HE'S NOT HERE YET.
DON'T WORRY. HE'LL BE IN.
YOU SAW THAT LOOK
ON HIS FACE LAST NIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. IT WAS
A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT,
AND HE KNEW WE WERE GONNA HAVE A
SUBSTITUTE DEEJAY ON THIS MORNING.
HE JUST SLEPT A LITTLE LATE.
DID YOU CALL HIS APARTMENT?
- NO ANSWER.
- HE'S GONNA BE RIGHT
THROUGH THAT DOOR ANY MINUTE.
NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. RIGHT,
ANDY? YOU'RE RIGHT, HERB.
HE'S GONNA WALK THROUGH
THAT DOOR RIGHT ABOUT...
NOW!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY. SURF'S UP,
AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
DAY HERE IN CINCINNATI.
THAT'S RIGHT, BABIES. WE GOT A
BLISTERING 14 DEGREES OUTSIDE.
AND THERE IS A GENTLE WIND
WAFTING DOWN FROM THE NORTH...
AT ABOUT 1,000 MILES AN HOUR.
ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME
TO STRAP 'EM ON, BABIES.
HERE WE GO. IT'S DR. FEVER'S SEASONAL
CINCINNATI SNOWSHOE SHUFFLE STOMP.
YOU READY? EVERYBODY DANCE! I
CAN FEEL THE EXCITEMENT ALREADY!
♪♪
NO TIME FOR PLEASANTRIES,
JOHNNY. WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY HERE.
I HAVE TO INTERRUPT YOUR
PROGRAM. WH-WH-WHAT...
♪♪
SMOOTH, LES.
WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM
FOR A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR. THIS IS LES
NESSMAN WITH A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN...
FOR WHICH WE HAVE INTERRUPTED
OUR REGULARLY-SCHEDULED PROGRAM.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
THAT PROGRAM WILL RETURN...
TO THE AIRWAVES FOLLOWING
THIS SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.
ONE, TWO, THREE... AND NOW,
HERE'S THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
TODAY IN CINCINNATI,
IT IS SNOWING.
R.F. "SKIPPY" NELSON, CHIEF
MAINTENANCE SUPERVISOR...
FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF
STREETS AND HIGHWAYS...
IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
WITH THIS REPORTER,
DESCRIBED THE
SCENE AS, AND I QUOTE,
"A REAL MESS, LES."
END QUOTE.
THIS STATION IS ADVISING EVERYONE
WITHIN A 400-MILE RADIUS OF MY VOICE...
TO DRESS WARMLY DURING THIS
UNEXPECTED VISIT FROM JACK FROST.
THIS HAS BEEN LES
NESSMAN REPORTING.
WE RETURN YOU NOW TO OUR
REGULARLY-SCHEDULED PROGRAM.
♪♪
♪♪ VERY PROFESSIONAL, LES.
THANK YOU, JOHNNY.
I MIGHT HAVE TO INTERRUPT
YOUR PROGRAM AGAIN.
THE WHOLE WORLD'S WAITING
FOR WORD ON THIS, RIGHT?
I'VE GOTTA STAY ON TOP OF THIS.
GOOD GOD, MAN! YOU'RE
NOT GOING OUT THERE AGAIN?
IF I HAVE TO, I WILL.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I'LL BE AT THE WINDOW,
WATCHING CAREFULLY.
♪♪
LES?
- YOU STARTLED ME.
- I'M SORRY. WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
IT'S A WEATHER WATCH. I HAVE AN
UPDATE AT THE TOP OF THE HOUR.
OH, WELL, YOU BETTER
GET A MOVE ON THEN.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S NOT
AS EASY AS IT LOOKS, ANDY.
OH, I KNOW, LES.
WEATHER'S TOUGH.
YEAH.
♪ IT'S A LOVELY DAY TODAY ♪
♪ SO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO ♪
♪ YOU GOT A LOVELY
DAY TO DO IT IN ♪
♪ AND THAT'S TRUE ♪♪
MIND IF I COME IN?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
- MIND IF I SING?
- DO YOU HAVE TO?
WHAT'S GOT YOU IN SUCH
A JOVIAL MOOD TODAY?
OH, MAN, THE MOST AMAZING
THING HAS HAPPENED.
HEY, YOU ENJOY, UH,
POETIC JUSTICE, HUH? YEAH.
JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY.
WITH AN OCCASIONAL BIT OF IRONY?
YOU GOT ME ON THE EDGE
OF MY SEAT. WHAT'S THE POINT?
- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
- I'LL DO MY VERY BEST.
REMEMBER HOW I GOT
CANNED OUT IN L.A.? YEAH.
FOR SAYIN' "BOOGER" ON
THE AIR? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, GET THIS. THE TOP COMPETITOR
OF THE GUY THAT FIRED ME...
WANTS TO HIRE ME... YOU GET IT?
YOU GOT A JOB OFFER? RIGHT!
IN L.A.? RIGHT AGAIN.
WELL, A-A-RE YOU GONNA TAKE IT?
HELL, YES, I'M GONNA TAKE IT. I MEAN,
DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS?
IF IT'S A QUESTION OF MONEY,
I'LL TALK TO CARLSON ABOUT THIS.
THE MONEY DON'T MEAN
NOTHIN' TO ME, MAN.
YOU'RE TALKIN' TO A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN
WHO LIVES LIKE A COLLEGE STUDENT.
I GOT TWO PAIRS OF
SOCKS. I EAT OVER THE SINK.
IF IT'S NOT THE MONEY,
THEN... NO, NO, MAN.
FOUR MONTHS AGO,
I'M SLEEPIN' IN A VAN.
IT'S NOT MY VAN. I DON'T CARE.
GIVE ME CHANCE
TO TALK TO CARLSON.
YOU JUST DON'T
GET IT, DO YA, PAL?
LOOK, WHEN THAT CLOWN FIRED ME,
I COULDN'T FIND WORK FOR MONTHS.
I MEAN, NOBODY IN THE BUSINESS
WOULD ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS.
BUT NOW, I GOT A
SHOT AT GOIN' BACK...
AND PROVIN' TO THEM THAT I
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SACKED.
THE DOCTOR IS HOT, BABY.
THE DOCTOR IS ON HIS WAY.
THE DOCTOR IS OPERATING.
FORCEPS, NURSE.
MIND IF I LEAVE?
YES.
YES, I DO.
♪ BABY IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED ♪
♪ WONDERED WHATEVER
BECAME OF ME ♪
♪ I'M LIVING ON THE
AIR IN CINCINNATI ♪
♪ CINCINNATI, WKRP ♪
♪ GOT KIND OF TIRED OF
PACKING AND UNPACKING ♪
♪ TOWN TO TOWN UP
AND DOWN THE DIAL ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU AND ME
WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ♪
♪ JUST MAYBE THINK
OF ME ONCE IN A WHILE ♪
♪ I'M AT WKRP ♪
♪ IN CINCINNATI ♪♪
OH.
HI, HERB. HOW'S IT GOIN'?
- BIG GUY, WILL YOU
TALK TO BAILEY?
- OKAY.
- MORNING, BAILEY.
- MR. CARLSON,
HERB IS CRAZY.
YES.
GO ON.
HE NEVER GIVES ME A CHANCE...
WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD ON.
NOW, NO OFFENSE, BAILEY,
BUT PART OF YOUR JOB AROUND
HERE IS WRITING COMMERCIALS.
BUT YOU DON'T DO
A VERY GOOD JOB.
HOW SO? ALL RIGHT.
DON'T GET UPSET. I KNOW YOU'RE
A JOURNALISM SCHOOL GRADUATE,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT
THE BITE IN THE OLD SALES MESSAGE.
FOR EXAMPLE? FOR EXAMPLE...
THIS COPY FROM THE
NORTH MALL PET VILLAGE.
GET A LOAD OF THIS, BIG GUY.
"WOULDN'T YOU
LIKE TO COME HOME...
TO A CUDDLY, WARM, LITTLE
COMPANION LIKE A COCKER SPANIEL?"
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT? I LIKE IT.
BIG GUY, THEY'RE SELLIN' DOGS
LEFT AND RIGHT DOWN THERE.
WHAT WE GOTTA DO IS MOVE THE
MERCHANDISE THAT'S PILING UP IN THE BACK.
- I SEE.
- FOR EXAMPLE, HERB.
FOR EXAMPLE, BAILEY, THIS IS THE
WAY YOU WRITE ONE OF THESE THINGS.
"BIG SNAKE SALE.
"S-S-S-SAVE. S-S-S-SAVE.
"S-S-S-SAVE. PICK
AND CHOOS-S-S-SE.
"MIX AND MATCH.
EVERYTHING'S-S-S-S MARKED DOWN.
"THESE MARVELOUS PETS-S-S-S
ARE QUIET AND HARD-TO-FIND.
"RID YOUR HOME OF
PESKY RODENTS-S-S-S...
"AND UNWANTED
BABY CHICKS-S-S-S-S.
S-S-S-S-STARTLE YOUR
FRIENDS-S-S TODAY."
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, HERB. BUT
OVERALL, I LIKE BAILEY'S COPY BETTER.
WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT SELLS.
LET'S FACE LIFE AS IT IS, OKAY?
MR. CARLSON, WE HAVE
GOT BIG TROUBLE. UH-OH.
MOTHER'S ON HER WAY. LOOK,
HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
I'LL DISAVOW ALL KNOWLEDGE.
YOU DO MOST OF THE TALKING.
WHEN SHE WALKS... MR. CARLSON, IT
IS NOT MAMA. IT IS WORSE THAN MAMA.
WORSE? WHAT COULD
BE WORSE THAN MAMA?
UH, LOOK, UH, BAILEY, HERB,
COULD YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?
SURE, ANDY.
THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING
STRANGER AND STRANGER, DON'T THEY?
COME ON, TRAVIS.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
IT'S JOHNNY. HE'S
GOT A JOB OFFER.
JOHNNY? YEP, AND
IT IS A GOOD ONE.
- IN RADIO?
- YES.
WHERE? L.A.
- WHAT ARE WE PAYING HIM NOW?
- 17.5.
17.5, HUH? YOU THINK THEY
CAN TOP THAT OUT THERE?
MM-HMM. I THINK THEY
PROBABLY COULD, YES.
ALL RIGHT, THEN WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO
SWEETEN THE POT A LITTLE BIT, THAT'S ALL.
YOU GO TO HIM
WITH AN OFFER OF 19.
YOU FEEL HIM OUT. IF HE
GETS ROUGH, WE'LL GO TO 19.1.
TWO?
ALL RIGHT, THREE. AND IF HE DEMANDS A
PARKING SPOT, WE'LL GIVE HIM NESSMAN'S.
I MEAN, THESE THINGS ARE
NEGOTIABLE. MR. CARLSON,
THAT AIN'T GONNA
CUT IT. WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT A
QUESTION OF MONEY. IT'S PRIDE.
PRIDE? WELL, THEN
YOU JUST TELL HIM...
WE'RE ALL VERY PROUD
OF HIM, OFFER HIM 18.
DO YOU DUDES KNOW ABOUT JOHNNY?
YEAH, WE WERE JUST HAVIN' A DUDE'S
CONFERENCE OVER THAT VERY SUBJECT.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET HIM
WALK OUT OF HERE, ARE YOU?
ONE OF THE REASONS I CAME TO THIS
STATION WAS TO WORK WITH THE DOCTOR.
I KNOW THAT, VENUS.
OKAY, LOOK. I'M GONNA...
I'M GONNA TALK WITH HIM SOME MORE.
MR. CARLSON'S GONNA OFFER HIM A PAY RAISE.
BUT, UH, I'M NOT SO
SURE THAT'S GONNA WORK.
WELL, THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING LEFT TO DO.
THE DOCTOR'S OUR FRIEND.
LET'S TRICK HIM INTO STAYING.
- HEY, NO, MAN.
- WELL, WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IF WE'RE GOOD GUYS
AT ALL, WE'D BE HAPPY FOR JOHNNY.
HE HAS WAITED FIVE YEARS TO GET
THE CHANCE TO GET BACK ON TOP.
YEAH. YEAH, I GUESS SO.
HEY.
YOU, UH, MIND IF I COME IN?
NOT AT ALL, DOCTOR.
I GUESS YOU HEARD,
HUH? YEAH. YEAH.
I WONDER IF I COULD ASK
A FAVOR OF YOU GUYS?
OH, YEAH, SURE. ANYTHING.
I JUST TALKED TO L.A.
ON THE PHONE AGAIN.
AND-AND THEY NEED ME SOONER. SO I WONDER
IF I COULD LEAVE WITH ONE WEEK'S NOTICE.
UH... WELL... YEAH, OKAY.
I, UH... I GUESS I COULD GO
OUT AND PLAY IN THE SNOW.
THE LAST TIME I'LL
EVER SEE THAT JUNK.
YOU MIND IF I LEAVE?
WHAT DO YOU GOT IN MIND?
OKAY, HERE'S THE PLAN.
I'LL TAKE NOTES.
- BYE.
- YOU GOING HOME, JOHNNY?
YEAH, IT'S, UH, NOON. IT'S
ALMOST PAST MY BEDTIME.
- SLEEP TIGHT.
- YEAH.
OH, UH, BY THE WAY, I HAVEN'T
CONGRATULATED YOU YET ON YOUR BIG JOB.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I GUESS
YOU'LL PROBABLY GO OUT THERE...
AND BECOME A BIG PERSONALITY
AND FORGET ALL OF US.
NOT... ALL OF YOU.
SEE YOU TOMORROW. YEAH. SO LONG.
SO LONG. SO LONG.
BYE. BYE.
BYE.
LET'S GET THIS
STRAIGHTENED OUT RIGHT NOW.
HEY, EVERYBODY. MAY I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
EXCUSE ME.
HEY, EVERYBODY... JENNIFER?
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
UH, I THINK WE'VE COME UP...
WITH A WAY TO KEEP JOHNNY
FROM GOING TO LOS ANGELES.
WHY?
SO, YOU ALWAYS START
WITH AN AMUSING STORY.
ONCE YOU'VE GOT THE AUDIENCE
LAUGHING, THEY'RE PUTTY IN YOUR HANDS.
RIGHT. NOW, WHERE ARE
YOUR THREE-BY-FIVE CARDS?
WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANY.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY?
NO, LES, I DIDN'T THINK THAT
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING...
THERE I WAS, YOU
SEE, AT GUADALCANAL.
OR, UH, MAYBE IT WAS MINANOWA.
I DON'T KNOW, BUT THE JAPANESE
WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
WERE YOU ON VACATION?
WE BETTER GET GOIN' BEFORE
WE LOSE THE BIG GUY, HUH?
I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE
LOST HIM ALREADY. YEAH.
AND THE CHEESE PUFF
WAS JUST SCRUMPTIOUS.
HONEST, ANDY, I THOUGHT WE
WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING OUR WIVES.
IT'S OKAY, HERB.
JOHN, I THOUGHT WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO BRING WIVES.
IT'S OKAY, HERB. SO, YOU'RE
OFF TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?
YEAH. UH, IS THAT A REAL
BUTTER PATTY THERE?
I DON'T KNOW. UH, WHY
DON'T YOU EAT ONE? OH!
EXCUSE ME.
UM, YOU ALL KNOW
WHY WE'RE HERE...
TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO OUR
DEAR FRIEND, DR. JOHNNY FEVER.
AND WE ALL WANNA WISH HIM
THE VERY BEST AT HIS NEW STATION.
SO, TO GET THIS TESTIMONIAL
STARTED, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE...
THE GUY WHO REALLY
HOLDS WKRP TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME.
NICE MAN, THAT HERB.
THERE ARE, UH, ONE
OR TWO THINGS...
I THINK NEED TO BE
SAID HERE, AS I SEE IT.
FIRST OF ALL, JOHNNY,
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT
WE'RE DARN PROUD OF YOU...
FOR LANDING THAT
BIG FISH... OF SUCCESS.
NOW, THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE
OUT THERE IN CALIFORNIA...
GONNA TELL YOU THAT FISHING IN CALIFORNIA
IS BETTER THAN IT IS IN CINCINNATI.
I GOT ONE THING
TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
YOU GOTTA GO "FREEP
DEA SISHING" OUT THERE.
UH, UH, WHATEVER IT IS. THEY
PUT YOU IN THOSE LITTLE BOATS,
AND THEY DRAG YOU OFF THE COAST OUT THERE,
AND THEY SET YOU IN A HOT SUMMER SUN.
YOU GET WET AND STICKY,
AND IT'S A SMELLY BAIT AND...
IT'S TERRIBLE. GIVE ME A ROD
AND A REEL AND THE OLD OHIO...
OR A NEARBY LAKE,
AND I'M A HAPPY MAN.
I'LL BE A SON OF A GUN.
DO YOU KNOW THAT
THIS IS THE VERY ROOM...
IN WHICH THE ROTARIANS
PRESENTED ME...
WITH THE ROTARIAN
OF THE WEEK AWARD?
I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT
LUNCHEON AS LONG AS I LIVE.
THAT WAS SOME LUNCHEON.
THAT WAS SOME
LUNCHEON. I'LL TELL YA.
IT'S ONE FOR THE MEMORY BOOKS.
WELL, WE'RE OFF TO
AN ELECTRIFYING START.
SO, UH, NOW LET'S HAVE ONE OF
THE HIGH SPOTS OF THE EVENING.
OUR OWN LES NESSMAN,
AS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW,
WAS A PAST PRESIDENT OF...
THE CINCINNATI CHAPTER OF THE
SPEECHMAKERS CLUB OF AMERICA.
OH!
AND AS SUCH, TRAVELED UP
AND DOWN THE OHIO VALLEY,
SPEAKING TO ANYONE
THAT WOULD LISTEN.
SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR OWN
TOASTMASTER GENERAL, MR. LES NESSMAN!
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
I HAVE SET ASIDE
MY USUAL SPEECH,
"THE RED MENACE IN
OUR OWN BACKYARD,"
IN ORDER TO PAY TRIBUTE
TO DR. JOHN FEVER,
WHICH BRINGS TO MIND
AN AMUSING STORY...
- OKAY, WHO WANTS
STRAWBERRY TARTS?
- OVER HERE. OVER HERE. UH-HUH.
AS I WAS SAYING, IT
HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE...
THEY'RE REAL
LITTLE, HONEY. OH...
WE DON'T CARE. I SHALL CONTINUE.
TART? LEAVE ME ALONE!
SUIT YOURSELF.
NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING
YOURSELF, "HOW CAN I,
"AN OHIO FARMER,
AFFECT POLICY IN PEKING?
I'M ONLY ONE MAN."
THIS IS THE WRONG SPEECH.
LES... M-MY CARDS ARE ALL
MIXED UP. IT'S BAILEY'S FAULT.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST WING IT? WING IT?
YEAH. WE NEVER WING IT, VENUS.
THAT'S SPEECHMAKERS RULE NUMBER
ONE. "ALWAYS COME PREPARED."
OKAY. WE'RE REALLY ROLLING
NOW, AREN'T WE, FOLKS?
AND NOW, LET'S HAVE A WORD FROM
THAT PERSON WHO DID SO MUCH...
IN HELPING US PLAN THIS
BANQUET, MISS BAILEY QUARTERS.
UM, I... I JUST WANTED TO
SAY, UM, THANKS, JOHNNY.
WHEN I FIRST CAME
TO WKRP, I, UH...
I DIDN'T KNOW A THING
ABOUT A RADIO STATION.
AND I GUESS I WAS JUST
A LITTLE SHY BACK THEN.
BUT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO
SHOW ME THE ROPES, AND...
AND YOU GAVE ME THE KIND
OF CONFIDENCE I NEEDED.
YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND, JOHNNY,
AND I WISH YOU WOULDN'T GO.
WHEN I THINK OF WKRP, I...
WELL, I ALWAYS THINK OF YOU.
I GUESS I ALWAYS WILL.
IS IT WORKIN'? IS HE GONNA STAY?
NEXT, LET'S HAVE A WORD FROM THE
WORLD'S GREATEST SALES MANAGER,
HERB TARLEK!
I'D, UH, LIKE TO BEGIN
BY SAYING THAT, UH,
I THOUGHT WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO BRING OUR WIVES.
I MEAN, UH, IF I'D HAVE KNOW NONE
OF YOU WERE BRINGING YOUR WIVES,
I WOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT MINE.
I WENT TO A COSTUME PARTY ONCE.
BUT IT WASN'T.
EVERYBODY ELSE WAS IN REGULAR
CLOTHES, AND I WAS IN THE RABBIT SUIT.
ANYWAY, JOHN,
YOU'RE REALLY GREAT.
WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU.
OH, PLEASE DON'T GO.
HOW'S THAT? GREAT,
HERB. REAL FINE.
WELL, UH, WE'VE BEEN KINDA
SAVIN' THE BEST TILL NOW, JOHNNY.
HERE'S THE ONE PERSON NO MAN IN
HIS RIGHT MIND COULD SAY GOOD-BYE TO,
JENNIFER MARLOWE.
IN MANY WAYS, I
THINK I'M GOING TO...
MISS JOHNNY MORE THAN
ANYONE ELSE IN THIS ROOM.
YOU SEE, I TOO...
I TOO HAVE... OH, I GUESS
WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL MY OWN...
PRIVATE ROMANTIC FANTASIES.
I KNOW THIS...
THIS REALLY ISN'T THE TIME
OR PLACE TO TALK ABOUT IT,
OUT HERE IN FRONT
OF ALL THESE PEOPLE,
BUT LET ME SAY THIS...
I'M REALLY GOING
TO MISS YOU, JOHNNY.
OH, YEAH! UH...
UH... AND, UH, FINALLY,
A WORD FROM ANDY. AH.
THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT, JOHNNY,
I THINK YOU KNOW
WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE.
AND IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT
WE ALL WISH YOU THE VERY BEST.
WHEN YOU LEAVE TOMORROW MORNING,
YOU TAKE OUR AFFECTION WITH YOU.
IT'S, UH... WELL, IT'S
GONNA BE A SAD...
IT'S GONNA BE...
HELL, I CAN'T DO THIS.
JOHNNY, THIS WHOLE
SHINDIG IS A COMPETE SHAM.
WE DON'T WANNA WISH
YOU GOOD LUCK IN YOUR JOB.
WE WANNA TRY AND TRICK YOU INTO
STAYIN', AND I THINK IT MIGHT'VE WORKED.
WE LIED TO YOU, MY FRIEND.
BUT, UH... WELL, MAN,
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
WE DID IT OUT OF LOVE.
JOHNNY, MY MAN, UH, THIS
SCAM WAS MY IDEA, AND I'M SORRY.
UH, SO INSTEAD OF READING
THIS SPEECH I HAVE HERE,
LET ME JUST SAY THAT WE
REALLY DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE.
BUT WE KNOW THAT IT'S BEST
THAT YOU LEAVE. IT'S A GOOD OFFER.
AND WE WISH YOU THE BEST.
BUT I'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY THAT I GUESS
WE DO FEEL KIND OF ASHAMED HERE.
I KNOW THAT'S KIND OF
THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW.
HEY, LOOK, DON'T
FEEL THAT WAY, OKAY?
I MEAN, UH, IT'S A GREAT PARTY,
YOU KNOW. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE
ANYBODY WENT TO THIS MUCH TROUBLE...
TO LIE TO ME.
AND, UH, I DON'T KNOW.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I... I THINK THAT I OWE
ALL OF YOU AN APOLOGY.
I... I JUST BEEN THINKIN'
ABOUT MYSELF, AND I...
I FORGOT HOW MUCH EACH
ONE OF YOU MEANS TO ME, AND...
I JUST WANNA SAY THAT...
I'M MORE THAN A
LITTLE MOVED HERE.
I'M... I'M WITH MY FRIENDS.
HAVE FUN.
IT WORKED!
YOU WERE GREAT.
WELL... WELL, IS THE
GUEST OF HONOR LEAVING...
BEFORE HE HAS HIS DESSERT?
I DON'T THINK WE LOST THE
GUEST OF HONOR AT ALL.
WE DID IT, MAN. WE DID IT. I
THINK IT LOOKS THAT WAY.
HEY, EVERYBODY,
I FOUND MY CARDS.
I FOUND MY SPEECH. OKAY.
LISTEN TO THIS.
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TONIGHT
TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO ONE SWELL GUY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- WELL?
- ANDY, HE DIDN'T
COME IN THIS MORNING.
- WELL, THE BACKUP
MAN'S ON, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
IS HE ON? HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.
OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY. I
KNOW JOHNNY'S GONNA BE BACK.
HE'S BEEN LATE
BEFORE, HASN'T HE?
OH. HEY, I THINK I SAW
JOHNNY'S CAR IN THE LOT.
HE'S NOT HERE YET.
DON'T WORRY. HE'LL BE IN.
YOU SAW THAT LOOK
ON HIS FACE LAST NIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. IT WAS
A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT,
AND HE KNEW WE WERE GONNA HAVE A
SUBSTITUTE DEEJAY ON THIS MORNING.
HE JUST SLEPT A LITTLE LATE.
DID YOU CALL HIS APARTMENT?
- NO ANSWER.
- HE'S GONNA BE RIGHT
THROUGH THAT DOOR ANY MINUTE.
NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. RIGHT,
ANDY? YOU'RE RIGHT, HERB.
HE'S GONNA WALK THROUGH
THAT DOOR RIGHT ABOUT...
NOW!
♪♪
♪♪
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