Vikings (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Joke - full transcript

The battle for Kattegat begins. As the two armies line up to fight, the Great Heathen Army must decide between a final plea for peace or all-out war. Floki faces discord amongst the settlers.


It's time!

How I've been impatient.

Now I can finally fulfill
my promise to the gods,

and kill Lagertha.

I'm ready to avenge our mother.

Not because she was a good mother to me,

but because Lagertha deserves it.

That's good enough to me.

But are you ready to deal with Ubbe?

Will you kill him if you have to,

even if he is your own flesh and blood?

If I kill Ubbe, won't
my fame be assured?

That's the way to talk!

My love!

What are you doing?

I'm coming with you.

Not when you're carrying my child.

Even if I am carrying your child,

I am still coming with you.

I have already made up my mind.

I should have known that the woman

the gods chose for my wife would be

very brave and courageous.

Your wish is my command.

You will sail with us, my love.

Finish loading!

Your Grace!

Don't call me that.

You think it's a joke,

but you have no understanding of grace.


I have something for you.

Ready the oars.

This sword only works
its magic for its owner.

So have it. Take it. It's yours.

Oars ready!

Ready the sails!

Ready to sail!

Come down!

Ready to hoist sails!

It is a proud day

when a father takes his
son to his first battle.


I will come home to you soon.

Prepare the horses.

Are you ready, my friend?

Of course.

You may have to fight
against your brother.

It's the same for you.

Some trees have to fall in the forest.

It's level!

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

I have it.

Almost done!

Ah, add some more!

We have food to eat, water to drink.

We all have reason to be satisfied

with what we have achieved so far.

But what we also need
to build is a temple.

A temple to the gods, who
have been so good to us.

And I suggest that Thor,

the god of the farmers, like us,

shall be the main god of the temple.

And on the altar we shall make a fire

which must never go out.

The building of the
temple, and its upkeep,

shall be paid by all of
us in the form of a tax.

I trust this will be
acceptable to everyone.

Why should we build a temple

when we haven't even had enough time

to build our own houses?

We give credit where credit is due.

Not to ourselves for this opportunity,

but to the gods.

You can build it on my land.

And I will have a care for it.

It does not surprise me, Flatnose,

to hear you put yourself
forward for this.

Anyone would think you were
trying to ingratiate yourself,

not with the gods, but with Floki here.

I don't think my father
is doing anything more

than offering his
services to our community.


He's trying to lick Floki's arse.

Anyone can see it.

As if Floki deserves to
have his arse licked.

He fooled all of us into coming here.

There will be no crop this year.

So, when we have eaten our animals,

there will be nothing left
to eat for the winter.

Many of us will starve to death.

Why should we build a temple
before our own houses?

Floki told us it would be hard at first.

He didn't lie to us.

He completely lied to us.

He only told the truth
when it was too late.

Bul, you are your father's son.

Of course you should listen to him.

But not if he's wrong.

I know we can make this settlement work.

Most of us here are
committed to its success.

- We came here to die.
- No!

No, we will not die!

We will turn this land into
somewhere wonderful to live!

And we should praise the gods!

Floki is right about that.

Why do we have to argue?

My wife Thorunn is with child.

I want the child to be born
with hope for the future.

That is my grandchild,

and I can see no hope for it.

If you don't like it here, Eyvind,

you can always try and sail back.

No, Floki.

That is precisely what we cannot do.

By following you here,

we have abandoned our homes,

our town, our Queen.

None of us can ever,

ever go back.

Then we must make the best of it.

We must tolerate and love one another.

We must put the settlement first,

and ourselves only afterwards.

You have to agree, Eyvind.

You have to.

This is not right.

It is not right that the sons of Ragnar

should try and slaughter each other.

We will send emissaries.

I agree.

If we must fight, then we must fight.

But first let us discuss the
alternatives, in good faith.

We are willing to do that.

But first, we must exchange hostages.

Good faith, although commendable,

it's not really enough.

Your brother will go
with you to your camp.

And your brother will go to yours.

We meet again tomorrow.



How is Ivar?

He is Ivar.

It's a pity you jumped ship.

I will never understand.

No, you wouldn't.

No doubt you regret it now, though.


What's the point of regret?

I saw a figure amongst your leaders.

The Saxon we met in Aethelwulf's camp,

Bishop Heahmund. Why is he here?

Ivar captured him in battle.

He is a great, great warrior.

You would do well to
stay out of his way.

He would do well to stay out of my way.

We want to find a way of
avoiding needless slaughter.

Please help us, Hvitserk.

Keep those fires burning.

I was born to fight, not to sit around.

This is madness.

Is it?

You are here where you belong.

Don't deny it.

Why would you fight
for Lagertha or Bjorn?

They are not your folk.

Bjorn saved my life.

Isn't that reason enough?

Not really.

We all choose to live a dangerous life.

That is part of our way.

So I think that you give what
happened between you and Bjorn

too much importance.

Family has a greater claim.

I don't want to fight against you.

I don't want to have to kill you.

The world would make no sense.

I suppose none of this makes
any sense to him anyway.

He's a great warrior.

He doesn't need anything to make sense.

By the gods, Ivar, you
are just so cynical.

You just don't care, do you?

I care

about winning this war.

Halfdan, you have to choose
between a friend or a brother.

To me, the answer is obvious.

Ivar is in the wrong.

Because I...

Do not tell me it's because
you and him are brothers.

You and I are brothers, too.

Do not risk your life for Ivar's.

Haven't the gods already decided

who I shall sacrifice my life for?

The gods may be just
waiting for your decision.

I do not want to meet you
face-to-face in battle.

I do not want to have to kill you.


You're my little brother.


You are a part of my fate.

As I am a part of yours.


♪ Sleep, sleep, my son

♪ The seal's asleep in the sea

♪ The swan on the breaker

♪ Seagull on the hill

♪ The cod in the deep, all turn

♪ Sleep

♪ Sleep

♪ I love you

We all know today

we have so many shield-maidens
and warriors-at-arms

that we must decide whether we fight

or we reach an accommodation
allowing us to go live

our lives with integrity and honor.

I call upon my brothers, Ivar...


Let's put aside our differences,

for the sake of our father.

A civil war can only bring tragedy,

weaken our family,

and set in train a lifetime
of revenge obligations

for those who manage to survive!

Is that really what you all want?

I want to speak up and support Bjorn,

and his call for a peaceful resolution.

It is true I set my
face against my brother.

But if you can forgive me,
Ivar, let us make an accord.

We are going to war for
the Kingdom of Kattegat.

The Kingdom of Kattegat was
carved out by my husband

Ragnar Lothbrok, and then by me.

I am its rightful Queen.

What we should be discussing is

how we combine our great armies,

and direct them out towards new lands,

new conquests, new opportunities.

What a...

Terrible pity to kill our young men for

a piece of land which is already ours.


I am happy to see you again.

Whatever has happened,

I don't want to fight you.


I am married now.

I am King Harald's wife.

Queen Astrid, I suppose!

Brother, let's not fight.

What can we gain?


On the contrary.

We will gain the world.

Join us and I will share it with you.

It is really up to you, Ivar.

If you decide that you cannot
fight against your brothers...

That you do not want to fight
against your brothers...

Then we can find an accord.

And King Harald can't stop us.

You have so much to lose, Ivar.

If you want war,

then let's have war.

But win or lose...

You lose.

You gain victory over
the other sons of Ragnar

and people will say that
you are an illegitimate

ruler and a usurper.

And if you lose,

they will say it was
by the will of the gods

and the will of Ragnar,

who now sups with them in Valhalla,

and cries for us now.

Do not do this, Ivar.

We are the sons of Ragnar.

Is that not enough for any man?

Bring horns of mead.

We should celebrate.

There will be no battle
today. Nor tomorrow.

What are you talking about?

You cannot decide this!

I do not want to fight
against my brothers.

I still hate myself for killing Sigurd.

This would be 10 times worse.

I can't.

I renounce my promise to kill Lagertha.

She can have Kattegat. I don't want it.

Ubbe, you're right.

We are all sons of Ragnar.

Forgive me.



How blue are my eyes, huh?


How blue are my eyes?

- Your eyes are very blue.
- Mmm.

You remember I had to ask
you every single morning

how blue the whites of my eyes were?

Because if they were very blue,

I was in great danger
of breaking a bone.

Yes, I remember.

It was a big part of my childhood,

"How blue are Ivar's eyes today?"

I might break a bone,

but I can never break a promise.

I can never forgive Lagertha
for murdering our mother.

How can you How can you?


Our mother!

Of course I'm going to kill her!

You can try.

Oh, I will.

You said you wouldn't
fight your brothers.

You are no longer my brother.

You were once my legs...

But not anymore.

This was all a waste of time.

No. Not at all.

You can surrender Kattegat now.

You've all been talking about

how terrible the slaughter will be.

How we will kill our nearest relations

and members of our family.

I don't want to do
that. Let us not do it.




Just go away. Leave this place.

Do not put your men to the test.

Not now.

You're sure?

Are you going to deny your brother?

Bjorn saved my life.

I'm indebted.

You're not his blood.

Maybe we care too much for that.



I'm sorry, brother.


Don't be sorry.


- Halt!
- Hold!

You know I'll kill you.

You understand that?

I will kill you.

Careful, my Lord!


One more?

Tell me.

What was your impression

of the community at Lindisfarne?

I was not impressed by their teaching.

I told the Abbot that they
should do more in English

rather than Latin,

and educate the ordinary
people outside the monastery.

And how did the Abbot respond?

He is too set in his
ways, like most of them.

Nor did he like it when I told
him he was fooling himself

by believing that God would save them

from another Viking attack.

Well, what should they do?

Arm all the monks?


It's what Grandfather said.

We have to build ships.

We have to build a navy

to prevent these incursions and attacks.

Once they're here, it's too late.

You should talk to
your father about that.

- He won't listen.
- Of course, he will listen.


Look, he's too busy training my brother

to be a great warrior.

My son!

In some ways, he's just like
the Abbot at Lindisfarne.

To set in his ways, too old-fashioned.

Your father carries a very heavy burden.

But he is not my father.

My father is dead.

As well you know, Mother.

My son!

Take the other end! I will.

One more. One more tier.

A bit higher there. One more.

It's not secure. Tighter, tighter.

We will, but we have to go higher.

Well, it seems that
Eyvind and his family

truly don't want to be
involved in this community.

They can't help being involved,

even if they don't want to be.

Poor Floki.

To have brought such people
to his perfect island.

What do you think?

I have a feeling that
Bjorn is playing a game.

What kind of game?

Well, what if he is keeping
a lot of his army in reserve?

What if this battle is just a feint?

What if his real plan is to outflank us

and drive on and try
to destroy our boats?

What should we do?

I'll pull back a third of our army

to protect our ships.

It is a risk.

But it would be far worse
to lose our entire fleet.

So, I think we should send
Hvitserk with some men

into the woods over there,

and try and outflank them,
dividing Bjorn's forces.

I agree.

If you take Astrid back with you.

I don't want her to die.



I am fighting.

Not today.




Move, now!

Go! Move!




In the name of Odin!

In the name of my father!




Whoa! Hold!

What are you doing?

I have to listen.

I have to know whether
I am right or wrong.

Shield wall!





Go back!





Get ready!


Still no regrets, brother?

What is there to regret?

You haven't won yet!


Rear flank!

Rear flank!

With me!


I think we should go.

And I think we should wait.

Good things happen to people who wait.

Blow the horn!

Summon Ivar!

They need us!

They need us!

It's too late.

- No, we have to...
- It's too late!


- Retreat!
- Retreat!

Run! Fall back!





Back to the camp!

Get up!

Make way!

We are lost.

Where's Heahmund?

Your Christian's dead.


Ha! Ha!

It's fate.

Who is this?

Who is this?

He's a Saxon priest.

He's alive.

You, help me with this.

No! Save him.

If it's possible.


I don't know why.

Maybe the gods know why.

Save him!