Vicious (2013–2016): Season 2, Episode 7 - Episode #2.7 - full transcript

Well, it's been a long time since we did that.
I wasn't sure it would all still work.
But it did.
It's like riding a bike... Mm.
..that's been left out in the rain for 20 years.
For a second there, I thought I'd killed you.
(DOORBELL) It's Violet, darling!
Now, Freddie, remember, no mentioning the inheritance my mother left me.
It's the first time we've ever had any savings
and I want us to be able to keep it for ourselves.
I'm broke, darling. I've got nothing.
Oh, that's too bad.
So what else is new? Don't you want to know what happened?
Not really.
I lost everything in the divorce.
How did you lose everything? You were only married a few months.
Well, actually, he stole it all, but this way sounds more sophisticated.
You'll pull through, you always do.
That's one thing we love about you.
Any sane person would with your life would've killed themselves long ago.
Thank you, Freddie, but I don't think I will pull through this time.
I've really found myself on the brink of financial ruin.
If only we could help,
but we can't.
Of course not and I would never ask you for anything.
I'm still surprised that your mother left you nothing in her will.
No, not a penny. Spent it all.
What on earth on? The last time she bought a dress, Hitler was in power.
Who knows? Cocaine?
Rent boys?
She always had a bit of a dark side.
I suppose. Are those new dressing gowns you're both wearing?
No. (DOORBELL) Really? Are you quite certain?
Fewer questions... more make-up.
Hi. Why are you dressed like that, dear?
Oh, it's for my new job. I'm a lollipop man.
Jesus Christ!
Between this and the other jobs I should be able to make April's rent.
It's May.
Oh, God. Is it?
Do you remember how attractive we used to think he was? Yes.
If only you and I could find a way to make some extra cash, darling.
You know what I've heard can be quite lucrative? A sex tape.
Yeah, I don't think...
No, I have my reservations, too,
but it's something we should consider.
Do you think we can make much money?
Only if people had to pay not to see it.
Well, we hate to give you short shrift,
but we've booked massages today and then lunch at the Savoy,
so goodbye.
I should go, anyway. If I'm late, the kids sing -
# Ash, Ash, has a rash
# Shove your stupid head in mash #
It's so good to hear you're doing so well.
Come on, you, too. Get up. Massages and lunch at the Savoy?
It all sounds very expensive. It's a present.
From whom? Addy-daddy-budda-wob.
Who? Sorry, dear, the phone's ringing, I have to get it.
I don't hear the...
Oh, it's so nice
to try something on and actually buy it,
instead of telling the salesman I've left my wallet at home
and then crying in the toilet.
Once you have money, you notice
how revolting everyone who doesn't have it is.
Let's just make sure we don't get too out of control with the spending.
Yes, you're right. So shall we have some tea and caviar?
Oh, I do hope Balthazar likes his Tiffany water bowl.
(DOORBELL) I'll go. It's probably the lobsters.
Oh. What do you two want?
Oh, yes, I am fine after my triple bypass.
Thanks for asking. I thought it was next week.
It was last week. Apparently, I died for one minute on the table.
Well, you're alive now.
Is this the man you told me about, who you said was a "total fuckwit"?
I've added a little foie gras to the... Oh, hello.
Hello. Is that the other fuckwit? Yes.
We weren't expecting company.
That's because we didn't invite anybody over.
What's all that? Just some tea and stale biscuits.
Good, I'm starving. So am I. Two waters and a menu when you can.
(DOORBELL) Hello, darling.
I just popped by to see if I could borrow something. What?
A sofa and TV.
It seems mine weren't completely paid for. Hello, Violet.
Why don't you join us for tea? That sounds lovely.
You know everyone at this place.
There's something I've been meaning to ask you, Mason.
You mean how am I after my triple bypass?
No, that's not it.
What are all those shopping bags, Stuart? Is that from Burberry?
It said Sainsbury, your eyes are going.
(DOORBELL) Maybe now's a good time
for everyone to start gathering their things.
What the bloody hell happened to you?
I got into a bit of a scrape.
Some of those kids are real wankers!
Are you all right? Yeah.
I got one of them back big time
and now I need to find another job.
You're not allowed to hit 7-year- olds, even if they hit them first.
Did you get a menu yet?
I should go upstairs and eat that half a banana I was saving.
Yes, off you go. Ash, don't leave, we're all about to have tea.
Sometimes, Stuart and I would like to be alone.
Did any of you ever think of that? No.
Freddie's right. We're not here just to serve you people.
What an awful attitude, running a restaurant.
Is that caviar on those biscuits, Stuart?
Since when can you afford caviar?
No, that's not caviar.
I, erm,...
I sneezed.
It's snot.
We don't want to keep you, Vi. You probably want to get back home
so you can sit on the floor and watch the wall. Are those
bottles of Champagne? Why? Want to use one to smash a toddler's head?
There are lots of expensive things here lately, darling.
(DOORBELL) I don't understand what you're saying.
We have told you already we do not have any money.
I've got two dozen lobsters for Stuart Bixby.
Lobsters? Shit, this is going to cost a fortune!
We're going through this money very quickly. Balthazar's hair implants
might have been one expense too many.
The nice thing about Penelope thinking this was a restaurant
was that she paid for her own lobster.
Yeah, and she left me a good tip.
That makes me rather like her.
Freddie, I have a confession to make
and, please, don't be angry.
I put money in to both Violet's and Ash's bank accounts.
You did what? Well, I know we said we'd just spend it on ourselves,
but they're family.
I only gave them half, though. We still have half left. No, we don't.
What do you mean?
I did the same thing.
Oh, no!
So how much does that leave us with?
Oh. So I suppose...
we're broke again.
You know what doesn't cost anything?
In one week?
we are newly-weds.
Freddie, the post's here!
You've got lots of birthday cards.
God knows why.
Everybody always makes such a big deal out of my birthday.
You know, sometimes I wish I wasn't so beloved.
Like you.
I think you'll really like my present this year.
Really? And what did you buy me with my money?
Oh, you always love my presents.
I'm always good at birthday presents
just as you are always good at being an arsehole.
What's this?
'Happy birthday, Freddie.
With love from the cast and crew of Downton Abbey.'
Oh, that was nice of them to remember you.
Well, of course they remember me.
I did appear in two episodes. I was practically a series regular.
Ae we really counting the second episode?
And why wouldn't we? Well, they only showed one of your arms.
Yes, but I was carrying oranges
and in the first episode it was potatoes.
An observant viewer could deduce who was attached to that arm.
Attached is a pretty strong word,
considering it comes out of its socket about six times a day.
Why would I expect you to understand what it's like being on TV?
The most exciting thing you do each day is pick up dog crap.
(DOORBELL) Watch it, Freddie.
If it wasn't your birthday,
I'd kick you so hard in the balls right now.
Hello, darling. I just popped by to wish Freddie a happy birthday...
Oh. ..and to tell you my news. Oh, what news?
I'm a lesbian.
Well, you can't be any worse at it than being a heterosexual.
That was my thinking, too,
and I've already met the most fantastic woman on the Tube.
Do you mind if I bring Carlotta tonight for your party, Freddie?
No, why not? We don't have any other entertainment planned.
(DOORBELL) You wouldn't know what it is that lesbians do, would you?
I don't. Nor do I want to.
Hi. Hello, Ash! Happy birthday, Freddie!
Thank you, Ash. Why are you dressed as a total slut?
It's for my new job - I'm a lifeguard.
Do I look OK?
I can't tell any more, darling, since I'm a lesbian now.
See? Nothing.
When did you become a lesbian?
What time is it? (DOORBELL)
If you want to borrow anything,
most of Stuart's clothes are appropriate for an ageing lesbian.
Hello, Mason!
Hello, darling. I'm a lesbian.
Hm. Splendid.
Have any of you seen Penelope? She seems to have disappeared. No.
But we'll call if we do. Aren't you going to invite me in?
It's really full in here already.
Looking pretty good, Ash.
Thanks a lot. Really appreciate that.
All eyes are on you when you strut by that pool. You own that pool.
You're right. You're damned right I'm right.
You're a stud.
Can I have a cup of tea? Waaaa!
What are you doing here?
I'm not sure exactly.
I was out with Mason and then I was here.
Can I tell you a secret?
Sometimes, I forget little things,
but I'd be horrified if anybody ever noticed.
Yeah? Don't worry, I don't think they have.
That's because I usually do a pretty good job of covering it up.
So, er, listen,
I'd really appreciate it if you kept what you just heard between us.
Of course. You know I think you're a love.
Thanks. But the man you were talking to sounded like a real tosser.
Let's see, what shall we do next?
How about a toast to Freddie?
Are there any other choices?
I'd like to make a toast.
What the hell is this going to be?
To our dear Freddie, a wonderful actor and even better friend -
happy birthday!
Oh, that was normal.
Wait till you see my present.
Stuart always gives Freddie the most incredible gifts.
Do you know how much I love, babe?
You better take care of my girl or you'll have to answer to me.
I am a lifeguard, so...
who is this little twerp?
Just someone I used to shag.
I'm not sure how I feel about sharing you, Violet.
You stay away from her!
Thank you, darling. He was getting rather aggressive.
Ash, get up. Stop drawing attention to yourself.
Where's the hot stud now, eh?
Strutting around the pool... You should've heard him going on before.
You'd think the sun shone out of his arse.
I'll go get your present now.
Ash, would you pass me that large card over there?
That hurt!
It's from the cast and crew of Downton Abbey!
I was about to say don't read it.
Now everybody knows. I'm mortified.
They sent you a card for being on once? I was on the show twice.
I was practically a series regular. Oh, the oranges. How could I forget?
Didn't your arm get nominated for a Bafta?
Don't be such a dick.
Here it is!
Happy birthday, Freddie!
Oh, it's a photo album.
Oh, no, not any photo album.
Each page is a photo
of every birthday of yours that we've spent together. Oh.
So if I flip through really fast, I can age 50 years in three seconds.
How charming. Oh, Stuart, what a thoughtful present.
We should do something like that, babe.
Well, we've only known each other two hours, but all right, darling.
The last page is blank. That's for today.
I want to get a picture of all of us.
You swear you'll never leave me.
Scout's honour, darling.
Would you mind terribly popping out and getting me some ciggies?
I'm on it, babe.
You stay away her or I'll rip your tiny arms off.
Like I'm scared of her!
Is she still there?
Not such a big man without your mirror, are you?
Well, I think it's finally over with Carlotta.
I tried, but something's missing.
A penis?
I think she has one of those.
At least you gave it a good go.
Come on, let's all gather round for a photo.
Mason, why don't you take the picture?
Then I won't be in it.
That's OK.
(BEEP AND CLICK) You all look like shit.
Well, what do you think of my present? It's very nice.
On a scale of one to ten? Oh, I don't know... If you had to pick.
But I don't have to. I don't like where this is heading. I do.
Come on, pick! Three, four, somewhere in there. Oh!
Ash, watch your drink, it's very close to my Downton Abbey card.
Maggie Smith picked that out for me.
I spent months on that present.
All you can do is talk about that stupid card. I don't understand,
you always love my presents. No, YOU always love your presents.
Then why have you always acted like you did?
Oh, I don't know, because I can see how much it means to you.
I think that could be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Urgh! Two men kissing - it's unnatural.
But Mason. Hm? Aren't you gay?
Yes. What's your point? Nothing.
Shall we have cake now? Ooh!
I hope someone started lighting the candles yesterday. Ha!
That was nasty.
Sorry, I'm not having a great day.
(DOORBELL) Nobody answer that.
CARLOTTA: I've got your smokes, babe!
How long are we going to stay like this? As long as we have to.
Well, that was a wonderful evening.
Thank you for a lovely birthday, Stuart.
And Vi. Yes? Why are you still here?
I'm giving Carlotta the evening to move her things out.
She was living with you? Lesbians move quickly, darling.
Well, I'm going to turn in. Night, all.
Good night, Balthazar.
Oh, and Stuart. Hm? Would you take my card to be framed tomorrow?
I want to hang it where I can see it every day.
Of course.
Well, I guess it turns out
you don't get Freddie the perfect gift after all.
Oh, yes, I do.
I sent him that card.
I was thinking of getting a face lift.
What do you think? That's not my cup of tea.
Oh, well, excuse me for wanting to improve myself.
If anybody gets a face lift here, it should be you.
I meant that's not my cup of tea, that is.
You look great, by the way.
Oh, I'm worried about Balthazar.
He just sneezed and three teeth fell out.
That's perfectly normal. I did the same thing yesterday.
Boys, I was considering taking a trip to Italy.
What do you think? Now's not a good time.
We've got so much coming up. Like that? Well...
I...I can't think of anything at the moment,
but we might need you for something. (DOORBELL)
Thanks for asking, but we'd prefer you stay in town.
We'll check our diary and get back to you. Oh, all right.
Hi! Hello, Ash! Hello, Ash!
I've got some really big news. Oh, come in! Sit down!
Can I get you a drink?
We have, er, water or tea.
Actually, only tea. The tap's just broken.
That's empty.
We have nothing.
I'm good, thanks. So what's your news?
I'm going to university!
Oh, that is fantastic. Congratulations, Ash.
I was wondering when you were going to do something with your life.
I didn't want you to end up like, erm,...
Please tell me you're having a stroke.
I could help you with your homework.
I've always been very good at maths.
That's the one with all the numbers, right? I'm not going to uni nearby.
What do you mean? Well, you remember how both my parents are in prison?
We remember.
That is something that tends to stick with you.
Well, I applied for a grant in the States and I got it.
Apparently, I qualify as a special needs case
because both my parents are incarcerated for violent crimes.
The United States? That place over there?
Yeah. But it's filled with Americans.
I dated one once.
They can be quite peculiar.
They actually have sex sober.
I applied ages ago. I didn't even think I'd get it,
but both parents are serving sentences for manslaughter.
That helped a lot. Where's the university?
It's in New York. New York?
I forget, is that supposed to have
the best of the Americans or the worst?
I think both.
And the grant is for all four years. Four years?
Oh, I see.
If that's what you want to do.
Yes. It's your decision, it's nothing to do with us.
I'm not definitely taking it yet.
Oh, so it's not definite, then? Well, no, I guess.
You do whatever you want, it's really none of our business.
(SIGHS) We're actually pretty busy today,
so, erm, hm?
Oh, OK, erm,
I should go, anyway.
Congratulations again, Ash. Thanks, Violet.
You don't suppose he's ever given his parents our address, do you?
Well, if he has, we're as good as dead. Hm.
Mum, I'm sorry, I can't hear you, there's a lot of screaming.
Is there a prison riot going on?
Oh, somebody's brought in some free chicken from KFC!
No, no, no, you go. Enjoy.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Yeah. I'll talk to you next month.
Violet. Hello, darling.
Come in, sit. Can I get you a drink?
Oh, only if you're having one, otherwise nothing for me.
I'm not. Oh, I still want one. I'll have one, too.
Darling, there's something I want to talk to you about.
This is about New York, isn't it?
Why is the bottle all the way over there?
Don't worry, I've decided I'm not going.
What do you mean? Well, I saw how... Both bottles, no?
I saw how they reacted when they found out how far away I would be
and I realised I couldn't leave them. Oh, Ash.
I want to be there for them, Violet.
Besides, it was stupid to think I could make a life in New York.
No, it wasn't. I thought you wanted to talk to me to get me to stay.
Quite the opposite. I'm here to make sure you go.
I don't understand. Listen, darling,
don't you know how special you are?
Nobody's ever said I was special before.
Oh, but you are, Ash. That's why we all love you so much.
That's why Freddie and Stuart don't want you to leave.
They want to keep the things they love the most closest to them.
That's why I've never moved further than a few streets away...
in over 50 years
and I don't want you to end up like that. Maybe I don't want to go.
Maybe I want to stay with all of you. You can't.
You have your whole life waiting for you.
Oh, you're going to be something so marvellous, Ash.
Promise me you'll go.
You must promise me.
I'm sorry.
Ah, good. Very good.
Now, shall we get blind drunk? I'd like that.
Let's see. I've packed him extra socks,
a thick jumper, because it gets cold over there,
and I've baked him his favourite biscuits for the plane.
Perfect. This way he can use them as weapons if he gets mugged.
Did you hide the extra cash in there?
Yes, I did. And the scarf I knitted?
You only gave me a ball of wool.
I kept meaning to get round to it.
I don't know why you're both dithering like monkeys on crack.
Ash's moving, it's not that big a deal.
Oh, Freddie. (DOORBELL)
That's him. Freddie, you know it's all right to...
Vi, please.
Hi. Hello, Ash.
Hi, Freddie. Hello.
All set, darling? I think so.
Come, sit, have some tea. I don't think I've got time,
my flight leaves in a few hours. Ah.
Er, well, we've, er, packed you a small bag
with some things we thought you might need, didn't we, Freddie?
You didn't have to do that. And I knitted you a scarf.
Oh, let me take a look at it. Oh, look at it in New York.
I guess this is goodbye.
Violet, I don't know... Oh, come now,
we'll see each other all the time.
Yeah. I'll go to America, you'll come visit,
it'll be just like always. Right.
So it's not really goodbye at all, is it? No, I guess not.
Of course not.
Have you got your passport?
And your tickets?
And your papers for the university? And your...and...
Yes, I've got everything.
Thank you, Stuart.
Best of luck, Ash.
OK, well, I guess this is it.
I'll see you soon, darling.
It'll be like you never left.
Like I never left.
What now?
I don't know about you two, but...
I've decided to go to Italy.
I'm glad. Well, now that that's all over,
shall we...
Freddie! (HIGH-PITCHED) Tea!
How it it your voice is getting higher pitched?
Soon only dogs'll be able to hear it.
I see you took your fucking-bitch pills before going to sleep.
I'm sorry, this Christmas radio drama I'm recording today
with Dame Eileen Atkins has got my nerves a bit frayed.
She has done so many extraordinary things,
none of which I can think of at the moment. Of course you're nervous.
You did get the part at the last minute.
I found out from my agent that's because I wasn't their first choice.
You were their second choice?
(DOORBELL) I didn't think there were 35 actors of your age still alive!
There aren't. Most of them turned it down because they're dead.
Hello, darling. I've been out Christmas shopping all day.
Ooh! Who are all the presents for?
Hello, Vi. You look...
Hello, Vi.
So, darling, a radio drama with Eileen Atkins for Christmas.
How thrilling. What's the role?
An old man who has never made much of his life.
I didn't have to look far for inspiration.
He was their 36th choice!
Who's Eileen Atkins playing? I don't know, I've just read my part.
Hi. Hello. Can I help you?
Let me introduce myself. I'm Oliver, I'm renting the flat upstairs.
I'm Stuart, this is my husband, Freddie,
and this is our friend, Violet. Hello, darling.
Would you...
Oh. Well, it was a pleasure meeting you.
Thanks for dropping by, Oliver.
Ooh. He seemed nice. Yes.
I should be off.
Don't want to keep the dame waiting.
You know, I'm going to take my Downton Abbey birthday card
to show her, let her know
that I'm somebody, too.
Sometimes, he breaks my heart.
FREDDIE ON RADIO: 'My, you certainly love your rocking chair, Rosemary.'
EILEEN: 'I do, Albert, almost as much as our cat.'
'Rosemary, a car is pulling up.' (MOUTHS THE WORDS)
'I can't tell who it is, Rosemary.
Wait, can it be...
Is it?'
I knocked the vase that was on this table over.
That's what that sound was.'
'I'm going to open the door and see who it is.' (CREAKING)
'Oh, Albert, it's Lucas,
our son, who we haven't seen in years.'
Give your mother a kiss.'
(SOUND EFFECT OF KISS) 'I'm so happy, Albert.
Listen, do you hear the church bells?'
'And they're playing
Our Son Comes Home For Christmas.' (MOUTHS THE WORDS)
It was all...rather convincing,
as if we were there in the room with you,
whether we wanted to be or not.
Yes, well done.
Now I'm about to cough.
That was the sound you just heard.
I must need glasses, because I couldn't see a thing, but it, erm,
it sounded lovely.
I must check on dinner.
Oh, just so you all know, we had lots of yoghurt that expires tomorrow,
so that's going to be featured heavily.
Everything here is terrible.
There you go!
Merry Christmas, Balthazar.
Need any help, darling? Oh, that would be terrific.
What is it you'd like to do? Watch?
Oh, that is adorable. (CHUCKLES)
Are you certain he's still alive?
Not 100%.
I told you never to leave me alone with my brother and that loony.
Sorry you're divorced and have nobody this Christmas, Vi.
Well, I have both of you
and it's like the three of us are married, anyway.
No, it's not.
Mason. Yes?
Is it Christmas? Yes.
I remember because my son called me. How lovely.
Yes, he always calls me on Christmas Eve.
My memory hasn't been...
well, you know.
Can I tell you something?
Certainly you can. I'm frightened.
I'm here, my dear.
Don't worry.
Thank you.
Well, Stuart's almost finished murdering dinner.
What were you talking about? The marvellous time we've been having.
Yes. Are you all right, Penelope? I'm wonderful, Violet.
I've always loved Christmas. So have I.
Mason, do you remember when our mother used to sing carols to us?
Of course. She had a beautiful voice.
Oh, yes.
And then she beat us.
She was a monster.
I really hope everybody likes yoghurt.
(DOORBELL) Who can that be?
If they're collecting for charity, politely tell them to piss off.
Hi. Oh, hello, Oliver.
I just stopped by to wish you both a merry Christmas. Please, come in.
If you're sure that's all right. Of course. You know Freddie.
And this is Penelope and Mason. Hello, sweetheart. Hello.
And you remember our friend, Violet. Hello, darling.
Hi. Well, join us.
Yes, sit.
Your hand's on my thigh.
Is it?
Can I get you a drink? I'm OK, thanks.
Oh, sorry.
I don't mean to stare, but are you Freddie Thornhill,
from Dr Who?
Guilty as charged, Oliver.
Here I am, just spending a quiet Christmas with my family
and, well, I guess I've been discovered.
By the one person who's ever recognised him.
I am a massive fan, but you must get that all the time.
I do.
But how kind of you to say.
So you must tell us all about yourself, Oliver.
We want to know everything.
Merry Christmas, Freddie.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Balthazar.
Stuart, stop snoring.
That's not me.
Sorry, darling.
Jesus. I'd forgotten she was here.
See? It is a little like we're all married.
You have to stop saying that.
(WHISPERS) Stuart.
Will you hold me?
I'm so happy.
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