Vicious (2013–2016): Season 2, Episode 4 - Stag Do - full transcript

Violet and Ash consider dating new people. Freddie feels under pressure from Stuart to land a major new acting role.

# Is it so?
# Don't wanna let you go
# No, I never can say goodbye, boy
# Ooh
# No, no
# I never can say goodbye, no no no, no no no
# No no no, ooh, ooh #
Whoever thought?
You and I getting married.
Oh ho!
Did you ever think you'd live to see the day?
I wasn't even sure I'd live to brush my teeth this morning.
Did you brush them?
I'll get around to it.
I've still got so much planning to do.
Food, drinks.
The ceremony. Now don't get carried away, Stuart.
Remember, we're only spending that money from my incontinent-pad commercial.
But don't you have that audition tomorrow?
The big crime drama?
We could use that money, too. Yes, but I haven't got the part yet.
But it is for six episodes.
I play the owner of a book shop, who is attacked by teenagers with a crowbar.
I know that's something I'd like to see.
Thank you.
And I promise I won't get too carried away.
We'll keep it a simple celebration with all the people we love.
Yes, spending time with the people we love is the most important thing.
Oh, look. There's Violet.
Quick, hide.
I hope she didn't see us, I don't want her to think we're terrible people.
I think she already knows that.
I've invited her over for tea later. We can have a proper chat.
Yes or we can send her an email.
Oh, hello, Violet.
We were just talking about you.
Oh, that's never good.
Hello, Vi. I'd get up and give you a kiss, but you're all the way over there.
It seems so odd,
but I could have sworn I saw you both on the street just now.
No, we've been in all morning, I'm afraid.
But you're wearing your coat.
Are you calling us liars? No. I'm sorry.
How horrid of me.
To be accused of lying and in our own home!
Don't push it, Freddie.
So, how are the wedding plans coming?
Tell me everything.
Do you remember your wedding?
Yes, of course.
Well, just think the opposite of that.
But my wedding was lovely.
It was just everything that followed that was so unpleasant.
Wasn't my wedding lovely, Freddie?
It was shit.
But I looked fabulous, didn't I?
Maybe don't ask any more questions, dear.
Oh hello, Ash, how are you feeling?
Not so great.
I guess it will take a while to get over being dumped by the love of my life.
Well, of course it will take a while, Ash.
I'll give more hour.
So, here we are, Ash,
both of us newly single.
What do you suppose fate is trying to tell us?
That you should close your legs.
I think we should both start dating again, don't you?
I've already met somebody online,
who I think I can get really serious with.
Do you know anything about him?
I know he owns a computer.
At this point, that's enough.
I don't think I'll be ready to date again for a long time.
Well, I have some news that might cheer you up, Ash.
How would you like to be my best man?
I'd love to, Freddie. Oh, would you? I couldn't tell,
because you didn't say how honoured you were.
And that I could have picked anyone, but I chose YOU.
I'm really honoured.
Well, then, act like it.
I'm gonna throw you a wicked stag do. We can have it in my flat.
It's a little small. I hope that's OK?
Yes, anything's fine, just make certain it's one of the best nights of my life.
The stag do is for both of us, right, Ash?
Oh. I just thought...
You just thought what? That you were the woman.
And I suppose you have something to ask me, Stuart?
Do you mean, 'Why do you smell of alcohol at ten o'clock in the morning?'
'Would I be your maid of honour?'
Well, I suppose so.
I'm really touched that you would ask me, darling.
You actually asked you.
I believe it's 'matron' of honour, dear.
Or if there's anything older than 'matron', then it would be that.
Well, my, I shall need some help planning this wedding.
I heard my ex-girlfriend Chloe is an event planner now.
Maybe I can talk to her and she'll give you a discount.
That would be wonderful!
So far, all the money we have to spend is from
Freddie's adult nappy commercial. Mm.
I wet myself at my grandson's birthday party.
I went method on that one.
Aren't there any other acting jobs coming in?
Well, if we're lucky,
Freddie is going to get attacked with a crowbar.
Fingers crossed.
Shouldn't you be leaving for your audition?
We really need you to get that job.
Yes, all right, all right.
I was doing my vocal exercises and a tooth came out.
I've shoved a peppermint in there instead. Can you tell?
Not at all.
(DOORBELL) It actually looks better.
You should do them all like that.
Hi. You remember Chloe?
Of course.
Yes. How are you, dear?
I'm on three types of medication
since the last time you saw me, so I'm really fantastic.
Good, because you were a real arsehole.
So, congratulations.
I hear you're in the market for a wedding planner.
What are you staring at?
I just forgot how pretty you are.
And I forgot how handsome you are.
Knock it off. Sorry.
Now we're looking to keep this very simple.
Not that simple, Freddie.
It is our wedding, after all.
I just don't want you dipping into our savings. We don't have any savings.
Oh, Christ, we're really living right on the edge, aren't we?
Please, sit.
Since Chloe's just starting out, she's willing to do you a deal on her fee.
Well, what if, instead, I were to give you access to some of my celebrity friends?
Helen, Benedict,
Mags...Maggie Smith.
Judi Dench and I are very close. In fact I'm just off to an audition now.
Do you know the television program Broadchurch?
Well, this is a complete rip-off of that.
So it's bound to be just as successful.
Wow, if I could plan events for celebrities, that would be amazing.
OK. Yes.
I'll do it for free.
We might actually need a small fee from you as well, dear.
From me?
Really. We're helping you to establish your business.
Fair's fair.
I guess.
And, remember, Ash, I don't want you to go to a lot of trouble for my stag do. Anything is fine.
I was thinking punch and mini sausage rolls.
Keep thinking.
I'm off. Don't wait up.
But it's only midday.
I'd still prefer if you weren't conscious when I returned.
Alastair. Freddie.
Malcolm. Freddie.
Colin. Freddie. Rowan. Freddie.
Trevor. Freddie.
I thought you were dead.
I'm not.
Who's the empty chair for?
He's dead.
I knew it was one of us.
Firstly, I want you to know
how happy I am that you're planning our wedding.
And how easy I'm going to be to work with.
So... Let's start with a hug.
Thank you, that's such a relief.
I drew up some ideas. Just tell me what you think. We'll take it from there.
Oh, that sounds wonderful, dear.
I hate everything.
Even the paper it's written on.
Oh, OK.
It would be perfect if we were planning a crap wedding.
Can I have another glass of water?
I think I need to double up on my medication.
Yes, that's a good idea.
You can take more than they tell you, you know.
Have another one.
Can you maybe give me an idea of what you do like?
Er... Do you remember Princess Di's wedding?
I like that.
That's a bit tricky on this budget.
Oh, Freddie's at an audition that he's perfect for.
Once he gets the job, we'll have lots more money to spend.
That would be really helpful, because, right now, it's a bit tight.
We might need more money from you, then.
Hello, Stuart. I just brought you a little something for your wedding.
Oh, thank you, Penelope. I'm just so happy for you.
Hello, sweetheart.
She's a little young, though, isn't she?
I'm not marrying her. I'm marrying Freddie.
That's weird.
I don't think you'll want this gift, then. It's a negligee.
No, that's fine.
And just let me say again, what an honour it has been to perform for you gentlemen
and that it would be a privilege to be brutalised by teenagers on Murder Time.
And I tip my cap
and I take my leave, goodbye and thank you.
And, as I said before, I'd be happy to do it again, if you'd like to give me any other direction.
Still no?
Wonderful. Well, then, I'm off and...
thank you
and goodbye.
Trevor. Freddie.
Rowan. Freddie. Colin. Freddie.
Malcolm. Freddie.
What happened to Alastair?
How long was I in there?
How are the preparations coming for Freddie's stag do?
Need any help?
That would be great.
Oh, I was kind of banking on you saying no.
Let's forget I asked.
You know, I was thinking of inviting Leonard to the party.
Who's Leonard? My online boyfriend.
It's getting quite serious.
He even confided in me that Leonard was a fake name.
What's his real name? I've no idea.
I didn't want to push.
You know, I was thinking of asking my ex-girlfriend Chloe to come, too.
Well, I guess we are both ready to be dating again.
Yeah, I guess so. Look there's Stuart!
Oh! Stuart!
Stuart, darling. Violet.
I didn't even see you both.
What a happy surprise.
I was just out running errands for the wedding.
I expect you must be pretty busy yourself, with your maid of honour duties.
I've had no time, darling.
I've been swamped helping Ash with the stag do.
Where's Chloe? I thought she was gonna be with you all day?
Oh, she had to go and see her doctor.
Apparently, she's developed a nervous tic that she needs to have addressed.
Oh, look, there's Freddie!
I bet he got the role.
Freddie. Freddie!
Violet. Ash.
I didn't even see you all there. What a happy surprise.
Oh, shut up. I knew we did it to them.
I didn't know we did it to each other.
Yes, well we do.
Look, there's Penelope.
Penelope! Penelope!
Mini sausage roll? No, thank you.
Mini sausage roll? Thank you. Sorry, they're still kind of frozen.
Are you having a good time, Freddie?
Not yet, no.
I've added some fruit to the punch. I think it makes it a bit more festive.
Corpses would make it more festive.
By the way, Chloe, this is what you should be doing.
Thinking of ways to enhance all our wedding events.
Isn't that what we're paying you for?
I'm paying you.
I'm really pushed right up against you, Ash.
I don't even know where to put my hands.
Not there!
Your flat is so charming, Ash.
I can't believe we've never been up here before.
It's not too small? No.
I think it's the perfect amount of space.
You've just trodden on my foot! Why are you always on top of me?
We're all crammed in this tin like sardines.
Where the bloody hell am I supposed to be, the ceiling?
I know. If anyone exhales, I'll go right out of the window.
Erm, Stuart, I was wondering if there was any word on the budget for the wedding.
So far, we can only afford a very limited guest list.
How limited? Just the two of you.
Well, Freddie's about to book a big job. He had a brilliant audition.
Didn't you, Freddie? They're all brilliant.
Anyway, I'm sure I'll get it, unless they want to go with a bigger name.
Which would be any other name.
Freddie, I hope this isn't a bad time and there's no rush at all,
but I was wondering when I might be getting those celebrity contacts.
You're very aggressive and it's making me uncomfortable.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat an hors d'oeuvre off the bed
to make this evening even more depressing.
Are you OK?
Yes, yes, fine. I'm not stressed at all.
What happened there?
That? I've been pulling my hair out in clumps. Is it really noticeable?
Maybe just that one bit where you can see your head.
You're going to do a great job, I'm certain of it.
I forgot how good you felt.
Oh, I forgot how good you felt.
Knock it off. Oh. Sorry.
This is what I imagined it would look like living inside a pair of underpants.
Well, Jeremy.
I see.
Well, I'm disappointed, too.
I don't understand.
I gave the writer such insightful notes.
Are you certain you told them if necessary they could really hit me with the crowbar?
All right.
Thank you.
You've done such a lovely job on the party, Ash.
Thanks, Stuart.
I hate all this. Remember?
I want you thinking...
summer meets Evelyn Waugh meets Paris in the '20s. Is that clear?
Erm... Well...
Is it me? Am I not speaking English?
Sounds as if he's speaking bitch.
Yes, yes, it's clear!
Oh. Oh!
I think I'll try the punch.
Needs a little something.
Getting closer.
Can I have a talk with you?
Oh, please tell me you want to leave.
No, it's not that, although I am having a horrible time.
Well, what is it? Well, I...
You've got the job? Yes, I've got the job.
Oh, marvellous.
Chloe, dear, our budget's gone up,
so now we can talk about the fireworks display
and the Freddie and Stuart ice statues.
So, Ash, it seems like you and Chloe are getting quite close this evening.
I think I really like her, Violet.
Then do something about it.
Before Stuart kills her.
You're right. I will.
What about you, Violet? I thought...
..Not-Leonard was coming tonight.
He just texted me. He'll be here in a minute.
Isn't it wonderful?
Isn't what wonderful?
He's got a mobile phone.
Between that and a computer, I think I've really hit the jackpot this time.
Well, here's to us. Here's to us, darling.
One more? Sure. Actually...
Why don't we use these?
I just wanted everybody to know that Freddie has landed a big role,
where he gets almost battered to death by teenagers.
And I couldn't be prouder.
Now that we finally have the money for a proper wedding,
Chloe, I want you to move forward on the 50 white doves
and Shirley Bassey.
Stop, stop, I didn't get the role.
What? I didn't get the part.
Why would you lie to me?
Oh, I don't know. Because I knew how important it was to you.
Of course it's important! We need the money!
All right, calm down. Don't you tell me to calm down.
I'm not the one who lied. I only lied because you made it impossible for me to tell the truth.
Don't you make this my fault.
You two remind me so much of these guys that live downstairs.
Excuse me. Are you Violet?
I'm Andrew. Oh.
Erm, I'm sorry, I'm waiting for Leonard.
I'm also Leonard.
Oh, how wonderful!
This is kind of an awkward moment. I'll fill you in as we go along.
Since when have I made it so impossible
for you to tell the truth?
Since you started getting so carried away with the wedding. How much are we paying Chloe?
Nothing! I had to borrow money to take this job, and I still don't have any celebrity contacts.
He doesn't know any celebrities!
Every single person he knows is in this room.
How dare you! I have an angry voicemail message from Dame Judi Dench which begs to differ.
You stinking turd!
That's Freddie, he's a sweetie.
I'll introduce you later.
Perfect! Because you lied, now we can't have a proper wedding.
That's not the worst thing in the world.
You have to ruin everything, Freddie, so, of course, you ruined this.
Better watch what you're saying, Stuart, or there's no going back.
I think I know what I'm saying, Freddie.
This punch is really fucking strong.
I don't know why we're racing into this, anyway.
How long have we even known each other? How old is Moses?
I'm tired of this, I'm done with you, you miserable old shit!
That's Stuart, he's a real poppet.
I'll introduce you later to him.
Good. So no wedding.
No wedding. Oh, thank God!
We're through, Freddie!
We're through when I say we're through.
Ooh! And I say we're through!
There really was no good time for introductions.
In my defence, that's the first party I've ever hosted.
Who wants to dance with me?
I will.
Woo-hoo-hoo! (DANCE MUSIC)
Oh, now we have music!
Now it's actually fun.
I know. Right?
Morning, darling.
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