Vice Principals (2016–2018): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Most Popular Boy - full transcript

A plot to sabotage a standardized test jeopardizes Russell's job as Gamby is caught in the middle.

There's a full-on revolt coming.


You're a loser who commands
no respect whatsoever.

I respect him.

This school has had worse.


RUSSELL: You need to bring a hot date.

Show Snodgrass you're over it.

I have a master plan.

Think you should just
keep searching around

for a publisher that's more suitable.

- One that has a full head of hair.
- Oh!

- What has gotten into you?
- KEVIN: Hey guys...

CHRISTINE: In college, when
Kevin and I were dating,

you said he was gay.

Stop making up lies.

- RUSSELL: Don't...

D'you like my little present?


I roofied in his drink.

You wanna go back to my place?


(gate buzzing)

Why are you alone? Where's Russell?

Couldn't make it.

I think he had to work on his marriage.

What the fuck? Russell's
supposed to be here!

I always show up for his shit.

I'm getting sick and tired of
him being so goddamn selfish.

Well, I've been doing
some digging on my own,

and I think I might
have cracked the case.

Statistics show the prep is usually

someone who's close to you.

Perhaps someone you were
romantically involved with.

My guess: it's your ex-wife Gale.


Jesus Christ! Look...

I know you've expressed an interest
in helping me solve my case,

and I have indulged that,
but this is hopeless.

Come on, boss, no. We
can solve this case.

Case is closed. Russell
doesn't even show up anymore.

What the fuck, Gamby?

We were just hanging
out. We're just friends.

Uh, none of my business, boss.

You're goddamn right,
Nash. Okay, zip your lips.

You didn't see a goddamn thing here.

Hey, Nash, you know what you saw.

We're in love.

No, we're not.

(theme music playing)

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- --

Could I have a biscuit, please?

Babydoll, this is no way
for a married couple to live.

- I agree.
- Well, if you agree,

then why aren't you following
the therapist's advice?

We're supposed to be communicating.

Dr. Portino also said

that we should be practicing
unconditional honesty.

Fine. Honesty Check.

These scrambled eggs are hard
as hell, and they taste wretched.

See? Honesty is not
always the best policy.

Nope. It is the best policy. Always.

I can keep going.

Honesty check.

I still have anger towards you.

In fact, I cursed your name earlier

when I was masturbating in
the shower and secretly hoped

that we wouldn't have to
see each other this morning.

Okay. My turn.

Honesty check. Let's go. Bring it on.

I didn't want to see you either.

I stayed in the shower hoping
you'd be gone by the time I got out.

Look at us.

Just a couple of honest Abes

working it the fuck out.

See? It's better to tell the truth,

even if it is uncomfortable sometimes.

Can I be honest with Mi-Cha, too?

You should be honest with everyone.

Mi-Cha, you look like
death warmed over.

Every time I look at you,
I lose my fucking appetite.


Woo! That felt good!

(speaks Korean)

This is what we should
have been doing all along.

You know what else? I honestly
want to cook you dinner tonight.

Would you let me do that?

Since when do you cook?

I learned from one of
the best, Betty Crocker.

(laughs) Honesty check.

Okay. Sure. It's a date.

A date.

- Date?
- You can be there

too because I love you.

Gamby: And I just want to thank
everyone who donated their time.

It was really appreciated.

Now, thanks to you,

the 4H Club's future is so bright...

they gotta wear shades.


Thank you. You guys have
been great. Thank you.

Woo! Yeah!

You'll have to forgive Gamby.

I think he might have hit his head.

He thinks he's in a comedy
club in Greenwich Village.

You know, like, uh,
like Whoopi Goldberg?

Something like that?

You know who I'm talking about.

So, uh, anyway,

it's that time of year again,

for the High School Assessment Program.

And you know what that means.

The students get to take a
test that doesn't really matter.


Oh, oh, really. That gets
a laugh? Okay, whatever.

Uh, no, Regina, actually,

how the kids score on the HSAPs

affects our funding for
the year, so it means a lot.

Now I'm gonna need some of you to
volunteer to be proctors for the test.

Shouldn't tests be about learning?

It is, Mr. Milner.

It's about the district learning
what an effective school we are

and what an awesome
fucking principal I am.

- (blows raspberry)
- (laughing)

What the fuck?

Hey, man, why you trying to throw shade?

Ain't nobody throwing shade.

Why don't you continue with your story.

You're acting like a dictator, Russell.

Shove it up your tight
little ass, Martin!

Just for that, you know what you are?

You're a goddamn proctor now.

Say something else. Come on, say it.

I'll outlaw fucking
scarves in this school.

Now the HSAPs are coming,

and we're gonna prep for 'em
like our life depended on it.


Except for you.

What the fuck?

How dare you undermine me

to score points with these teachers.

How dare you stand me up

when you're supposed to be
helping with my investigation.

I told you, I have more important
things going on in my life

than your stupid fucking case!

Uh... Say again?

That came out wrong,
Gamby. I didn't mean that.

I think that came out
exactly how you wanted it to,

and I don't appreciate it.

Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Smell you later.

Gamby. Gamby...

So then the guy licks his finger,

gets a weird look on his face,

then looks at the girl and says,

"Sweetheart, that ain't marinara sauce."


Oh, nasty.

You are so good at joke-telling,

it's not even funny.

I mean, it is funny, obviously.

- Super funny.
- So, Gamby,

you're still up for payday
drinks this week, right?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

You'll up the fun quotient
by double digits, at least.

Well, I hope to.


But no marinara sauce.


You guys have been a wonderful audience,

but somebody here's got to work.

I'm out.


Enjoy the rest of your day, teachers.

- See you so soon.
- Yeah,

you will.

- Did you guys hear that?
- What?

I said, I'll see you soon,
he was like, "Yeah, you will."

I think he likes you...


Dayshawn, Dayshawn, Dayshawn.

Damn, Mr. Gamby.

I see you over there straight
chilling with the teachers, huh?

Oh yeah.

I recall the time your ass was
afraid to even sit over there.

Pssh. So true.

I can hardly believe it myself, huh.

I'm actually becoming popular.

Tell you what, man,
I'm fucking impressed.

You know, I got to make sure
I don't forget who I really am.

But it's so crazy.

Yeah, you don't want to get too cocky.

- Got to be real.
- Yeah.

- You see those kids over there?
- Yeah.

That used to be me.

A nerd. A nobody.

Bottom of the barrel.

But now, I think I'm
more like those guys.

Oh, you more like Aiden Miller
and them cool motherfuckers?

That's who you think you are?

That's who I know I am.

- All right.
- I'm a tastemaker.

An alpha, Dayshawn.

When I say something, people listen.

When I crack a joke, people laugh.

It's like night and day, buddy.

That's fucking beautiful, man.

Congratulations, Mr. Gamby.

You thinking about
sticking with that haircut?

Yeah. Why would I change my hair?

I just thought with you
being a tastemaker now,

you might want to switch to
something a little more dope, man,

instead of that Mike Ditka,
Happy Days shit you got going on.

This is actually a pretty dope
haircut for a white person.

Well, I'm not trying to offend
you or any other white people,

but you look like a
very low-level mobster.

Uh, well, I don't really
think that that's a negative.

So... whatever.

Gamby: If I'm going to
fit in at payday drinks,

I'm gonna need some advice on
how to dress like you people.

I was wondering why you
dragged my ass to the mall.

Can I get something pretty, too?

If you use your own money.

Neal... (laughs)

What the hell are you doing?

Don't be embarrassed. You can
put your hand on my ass too.

Get your hand out of
my pocket, right now.

Neal, look, I know you want to
keep our relationship a secret,

but I'm the second or third most
popular teacher at North Jackson.

I can be your gateway to the in-crowd.

Uh-uh. All I need from
you are fashion tips, okay?

Besides clothing, I already
got their acceptance.

Yeah, well, if you want to be principal,

you need more than acceptance.

Russell's principal.

Yeah, but if Russell wasn't around,

then you would be principal.

Well, I highly doubt
Russell's going anywhere.

Neal... you have so much potential.

You're like a diamond
in the rough and...

I want to be the one to scrape
off all that gross black stuff.

Popularity is like war.

There are certain rules of engagement.

♪ ♪

Rule number one:

populars have their own sense of style.

Image is everything.

What do you think about this?

A few small improvements...

Yeah, that's better. Fucking hot.

Hey! You can't do that.

I was just making it cool.

You're destroying merchandise.

I don't even think this is my style.

Rule number two: forget what you think.

Being popular is about accepting
what everyone else thinks.

Image is everything.

Image is everything.

Image is everything.

Neal Gamby,

the most popular boy in school.

Can you see it?


So? Honesty check.

Did you like it?


Who knew you could cook?

Well, it looks like Mi-Cha enjoyed it.

She's going bananas over there.

Go ahead, soak it up,
gravy's the best part.


Uh, no-no-no. Don't... you
don't do it with your tongue...

in America, we use bread.

We use bread.

Here you go.

My one and only mother-in-law.

This is great. You have to make
it more often. What's in it?

No way, I will not
divulge the secret recipe.

You cannot even get me
with an honesty check.

I mean it, Christine.


This was nice, Lee.

Thank you.

I love you, Christine.

Our marriage is sacred.

I will do honesty
checks. I'll cook dinner.

I'll even walk over
hot coals to save it.

God's honest truth, baby.

I'll do the dishes.


(speaking Korean)

Thank you.


You rang?

How long did it take you to cook dinner?

Uh... I don't know. Like
an hour, an hour I guess?

For all this?

Well, I didn't time it, Christine.

If you had just said, let's get takeout,

I would've been totally fine.

I tried... to cook, Christine.

But I-I-I burned the chicken.

Show me the chicken.

Well, I don't have the
burned chicken, Christine,

because I threw it away.

Once I got the-the
takeout, I threw it away.

I was trying to cover
my tracks, Christine.

- What were the ingredients? Quick.
- What are you...?

Christine, come on, I'm a
principal of a high school...

You lie and then you tell more
lies to cover everything up,

even when you're doing something nice.

Why are you doing this? We
just had a beautiful dinner.

No, I didn't, I didn't cook,

but isn't it the thought that counts?

Hey, hey, come on.

Don't do that. Don't do this.

- Hey-hey, come on. Come on, don't-don't.
- Stop it.

Don't do that. Come on.

Gale: So we'll be to
the school by six PM,

- if that works.
- Yeah.

And if it doesn't work...

Well, this is a little
bit of an inconvenience.

Janelle, don't leave your
bookbag at my house again, okay?

Keep up with your stuff.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

What are you wearing?

What are you talking
about? This is a linen suit.

I dig it, Gamby.

You got sort of a Max
Headroom thing going on.

You look... ridiculous.

Pssh. Says the woman with
blue hair and yoga pants.

Get a clue, Gale. Image is everything.

Hey, can we get pizza
after my thing tonight?

Tonight, what's tonight?

J Bird won an extinct
animal art contest.

Yeah, I'm getting an award.

Aw, shit baby. I can't make
it. I got payday drinks tonight.

- Gale: So what?
- So what?

Payday drinks is a very
important social engagement.

I've never been asked
before. It's a real honor.

Can't you just miss it?

(sighs) Baby.

Look. If I can kick ass
tonight at payday drinks,

it's my one shot to be the most
popular boy in the whole school.

The most popular boy?

Person, whatever Gale.

Don't make fun of me, all right?

Look, if I ever want to be
principal again, I got to be popular.

Wish you guys could be
supportive and understand that.

Hume said "Patriotism and popularity

are the beaten road
to power and tyranny."

See? I knew Ray would understand.

Check it, check it.

Each of you have been chosen to
be the proctors for the HSAPs.

Now I know none of you
all want to be here.

I don't want to be here either.

I'll try to keep it
chill as poss... possible.

Now once the tests are completed,

you will gather them, and you
will deliver them to me and Nash-O.

We will then place the tests into bins

that will be delivered
securely by Ms. Snodgrass,

to the school board,
no later than three PM.

Do no tamper with the tests,

or you could face jail time.

Yikes. They'd throw me in teacher jail?

No, Ms. Snodgrass.

State, federal, fucking prison.

So don't fuck around.

Do you guys want to
get your packets now?

Gamby, looking forward
to payday drinks tonight?

Should be a fairly fly affair, huh?

First time you've been, huh?

Of course you'd try to
shine a light on that.

- You buzzkill.
- No.

Hater's going to hate.
Hater's going to hate.

The problem with him is,
you need to walk and talk.

You need to be able to walk and talk.

Hello, friends.

What's going on?

- Deets: Oh, I got that thing.
- Seychelles: Oh, yeah.

- I got to go do.
- Oh yeah. I got to go.

Seychelles: See ya.

Yo. I just wanted to
give you the heads-up

that the proctors are all
set for the HSAPs tomorrow.

Hey, that's, uh... really cool ensemble.

I know. Thank you.

Also, Gamby, I was
thinking about some...

some suspects, you know,
in your case, and, uh...

Russell, don't try to be my friend.

You don't care about the
case, so don't act like you do.

I was just trying to be nice.

I got to split.

Teachers invited me to PDD.

Oh, you got invited to payday drinks?

(scoffs) Please. I used to go all the time.

A bunch of teachers sitting around
eating nachos and singing karaoke?

What an absolute joke.

I like eating nachos and lip-synching,

I always have.

Oh, well good.

I hope you enjoy them.

I'm sure you will as
fucking fat as you are.

Fuck you, Russell.


Fine, I'm jealous. All right?

The teachers, they hate my guts.

And they love you and your...

Is that what you want to hear?

I said it, so there you go. You got it.

Put it in your wallet. You can have it.

Come on, man. It's
not that big of a deal.

It's just payday drinks.

I used to be the most likeable
motherfucker in town, Gamby.

Now I can't even get my
own wife to be my friend.

I would invite you, but you
know how the teachers are.

They like to keep the guest
list low for payday drinks,

so they can get that good table.

Go on, have a good time, Gamby.


Fuck it. Come with me.

Let's rock this payday drinks.

♪ Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka
Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka ♪

(music playing)


♪ Open the door, get on the floor ♪

♪ Everybody walk the dinosaur ♪

♪ Open the door, get on the floor ♪

♪ Everybody walk the dinosaur ♪

♪ Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka.
Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka ♪

♪ Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka
Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka ♪

Buenas noches, amigo.

Hey, listen.

When I said you hadn't been
to payday drinks before,

and, uh, you got all upset, um,

I didn't mean anything by it.

I didn't think you cared about
this kind of stuff, that's all.

Being popular is very important

if I hope to get the things
I desire in this world.

Image is everything.


You seem so different.

You never struck me as
someone who needed to fit in.

Well, there's plenty of people that

think that being cool
suits me just fine.

Where's your old man?

He too good for payday drinks?

He's in, uh, South America.

He's working on another novel.

(scoffs) Jesus, of course he is.

I guess he is getting the real
deal Mexican food down there, huh?

Well no, because Mexico
is in North America.

Well, somebody better tell the Mexicans

'cause they think they
are in South America.

(cheers, applause)

Guys, tonight I'd like
to make an announcement.

I have never been happier
than I am right now.

And, uh, I can get pretty sad and weird,

I swear. I just want
you all to know that...

uh, this is me doing good for once.

And, uh, I can't hold it in any longer.

But you should. You should.
You should hold it in.

- No, I can't.
- No, but you're going to.

'Cause it needs to be mutual,
it needs to be a discussion.

Neal Gamby and I are seeing each other.

We're a fucking couple, y'all!

- Love wins!
- (applause)

Congrats, Gamby. You scored.

Abbot: Thank you, Mr. Milner.

Neal, come on up here.

And let's show these guys
that we are made of magic.

Go on, Gamby. Sing with your boo.

- Come on! Come on!
- Come on, Gamby.

I actually don't know the
words to this song, so no.

This is our song, you guys.

This song is about us.

I don't know one part of the song.

- ♪ I was tired of my lady ♪
- I'm not going to go up there and sing it.

- Go on, Neal... Go.
- ♪ Together too long ♪

Russell: You got to get up here.


♪ Recording ♪

♪ Of our favorite song ♪

♪ So while she lay there sleeping ♪


♪ I read the paper in bed ♪

♪ If you like pina coladas ♪

♪ And getting caught in the rain ♪

♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪

♪ We do! ♪

♪ At the dunes on the cape ♪

♪ And I never thought I'd feel this way ♪

Now why would you bring him here?

He's not part of the group anymore.

Yeah, Gamby, Russell sucks ass.

Shut the fuck up, you guys.

He brought him in to make fun of him.

Snodgrass: What?

♪ If I love you ♪

You brought him to make fun of him?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, of course.

He's my sacrificial offering.

I mean, I just figured we
could all use a little release,

I know I could, with
all this HSAP prepping.

Who's prepping?


What's with the secret
laughter? What's that all about?

You swear not to tell?

I swear.

Okay, so ever since spring term started,

we stopped teaching to the tests.

It was LeBlanc's idea.

Uh, actually not me, I-I didn't do that.

Snodgrass, you are such a square.

If the HSAPs go badly,

- Russell is out.
- Gamby: Mm.

But isn't that bad for the students?

I mean, if they crash
and burn on a test?

And the test is a useless exercise.

It only affects principals.

Yeah, maybe the budget will take a hit,

but it's worth it if Russell gets fired.

Yeah. Then you'd be
the king of the school.

Neal Gamby, the handsome king.

It's better than King Ding-a-Ling.


Guys, Neal is right,

I mean, I think it's shitty...

- Get a chip.
- (gasps)

I'm so sorry.

Hon, let me help you clean it.

No. You're good. It's okay.

Stop it. I will go
throw some water on it.

- Oh, that's a great idea. Good luck.
- Excuse me.

Seychelles: Party now.

Go quick, so it doesn't set.

♪ For sure ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪


That is what friends are for, guys.

Thank you so much.

This has really been such
a special evening for me.

I... Wow. I will wake up a different
person tomorrow, I'll tell you that.

(lively chattering)


Can you give me a ride
home? I'm pretty buzzed.

Yeah, I got to give Russell
a ride home first, though.


Okay guys, go home.

Let Milner be the designated driver.


I knew that I didn't lose my touch.

Celebratory drink at my house.

No, I'm too tired, my back hurts. No.

Yeah, it's about that time, Russell.

You're administering a test
tomorrow, you can be tired.

(chatter, laughter)

Hey, keep it down.


What the fuck?

Looks like you got robbed.



- (opens door)
- Christine!

- What the fuck?
- I-I don't know.

- (door closes)
- Mi-Cha? Christi...?


♪ ♪

(whispers) No...

Buddy, everything okay?

She's gone, Gamby.

Oh, Russell.

Christine is gone.

It's over.

Oh, man.

Why do all these bad things
keep happening to me, Gamby?

What did I do to deserve it?

(sniffling, sobbing)

What did I do to deserve this?

(whispering) You know what?
I'm really... I'm really, really tired.

You'll be okay, Lee.

Let's give him some space.

Russell, do you want to
spend the night tonight?

No, he doesn't. He's okay.

He'll be fine.

Let's just go.

Come on, let's get the fuck out of here.

See you at school tomorrow, Russell.

Bye, Lee, see you at school.

♪ ♪

Ugh, I really feel like I almost
puked when he stated crying.

Ugh, just a broken man.

It's like ugh.

That's never going to happen to us.

- What's that?
- Splitting up.

If it did, I would fucking kill myself.

I bet we end up married.

Maybe we should just
listen to these tunes.

(pop song playing)

Deets: It's the same way every time.

- Seychelles: Is it?
- Yeah.

Yeah. It was the same way...

Oh, there he is, life of the party.

Uh, hello, hello, everybody.

Um, I just, uh, I wanted to thank you,

each and every one of you for
accepting me back into this...


- That's, that's very sweet.
- Aw.

Really it means everything to me.

So... I just wanted to say thank you.

Teachers: Aw!

That's what friends are for.

Okay, see ya.


♪ ♪

There's a reason in the
universe for all things.

All great things come to those who care.

Who care deeply about great things.

♪ ♪

Stop. Pencils down.

Test is done.

These tests... Russell is fucked.

Look at this, this one wrote out "cum."

Probably because there wasn't enough
room for "ejaculate" or "spermatozoa."

Very clever child.

Well, I got his pink slip right here.

All right, guys, let's
not laugh too hard.

These are failing children
we're talking about.

Who cares? Russell's ass is grass

and we are the Weedwackers.


This is the last of them, boss.

All right, Amanda,

let's get these to the school
board office by three PM.

- Don't dillydally.
- I'll guard them with my life.

Lee Russell bites the dust.

It's the moment we've
all been waiting for.




Amanda, I need to speak to you.

Your girlfriend wouldn't like that.

Oh, come on, she's not my girlfriend,
okay? I just have no other option.

Don't judge me, all right?

I mean, it's not like
you're not dating Brian

to get your book published.

Hey, do we have to do this now, Neal?

- Come on.
- No, we don't,

but I-I need those tests.

No. They have to stay
by my side. Excuse me.

Nope, not excusing you because I have
clearance. You're gonna give them to me.

- It's my responsibility...
- Give me the tests.

- No, I will not.
- Give me the tests.

- Give me the fucking tests.
- Move out of my way.

Look, Amanda, we cannot turn
in these fucked-up tests.

What the teachers have done is wrong.

I got to stop them.

Okay. Let me help.

That I am forever in your
presence and in your grace.


Are the tests in? I'm
really stressed out, Gamby.

After the whole Christine
thing, I really need a win.

Lee... But I know when one door
closes that another one opens.

Lee, Lee, the tests are fucked.

The teachers, they didn't
teach the test on purpose.

They want you fired.

It's a full mutiny.

They fucked me?

Everyone fucked me?

We didn't fuck you.

Snodgrass: Just under an hour.

What is the main idea
of the dinosaur story?

It's D! There's several
competing theories.

- D. Go.
- You got it.

Uh, 22, C. 22-22 is C.

I don't know geometry.

- (knocking at the door)
- Shh. Hello, who is it?

Oh, shit. You guys are jukin' em?

- Shut the fucking door.
- Get the fucking door. Get in here!

Get in here. Close the door.

Grab a pencil, let's go!
Number seven, number seven.

- 17 is B!
- Bingo!

Nash, you have to erase the old answers.

- Snodgrass: 10 B!
- Russell: 14. 27. 28.

- Snodgrass: C!
- What number is that?

Snodgrass: All's I care, 24 is C!

- Gamby: Go-go-go-go.
- Wow. What's up folks?

Fuck off, Willows.

- (shouting)
- (engine racing)

- Answer, A!
- But what about you?

Hurry up! We're almost
there! We're almost there!


Here we are! Here we are!

Wrap it up!

- (tires screeching)
- Whoa!

Gamby: Go!

Thank you. People, I'm
coming through. Excuse me.

Wait! I'm here. North
Jackson High School!

(indistinct chattering)

What's taking her so long?

Oh-oh, there she is.

Nash: There she is.

Why is she walking like she's
got something stuck up her ass?

- Something's not right.
- I think that's just the way she walks.

Guys, I, uh, I don't
know how to tell you this.

But the tests are...

- They're in! They're in!
- (screaming)

Oh, thanks, bud!

Oh my God, you're all I've
got! You're all I've got!

That was awesome! I'm going
to celebrate with Snodgrass.

- I'll come with you.
- No. Celebrate with Nash.

Russell: No, no, no.
But you're all I've got!

Come on in, you big pooh-bah.

- Grand pooh-bah!
- Hey...

- (laughing) Okay.
- All right. Yes, we did it!

♪ ♪

Hey, take a picture.

It'll last longer.

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- --

♪ My old friend ♪

♪ What's been going on? ♪

♪ Are you still singing
that same old song? ♪

♪ Has your days been treating you well? ♪

♪ Are the nights still cold as hell? ♪

♪ It would be so nice ♪

♪ To hear from you again ♪

♪ My old friend ♪

♪ I hear all the old folks are gone ♪

♪ I guess we're the ones now ♪

♪ That's the way it goes ♪

♪ Those crowded days are behind us now ♪

♪ May your backside catch the wind ♪

♪ May you have many more ♪

♪ Days to spend ♪

♪ I could see you again ♪

♪ My old friend ♪