Vice Principals (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

Y'all stop it and get to work.

I ain't trying to be out here all day.

Oh shit.

Ma, how come your panties
ain't burnt up?

Momma got them flame-retarded drawers.

All right now! Y'all
know my nerves is bad.

I'm not in the mood for that.
Now y'all come on now.

Okay, like... Hey!

- Jeez.
- You've been living here how long?

I've been here for about two weeks.

Can you shed some light on
what might have happened?



I'm sorry to say, but my gut is
telling me it's arson, Dr. Brown.

- Arson?
- You know anybody

that might want to burn down your house?

No, not at all. We just moved here.

That's your job. You tell me.

It could be anybody.

Hobo, drunkards,
gutter punks, secret enemy.

Maybe even a family member
who begrudges you.

Are those your kids?

♪ Up in flames, up in flames ♪

♪ All burnt up, all burnt up ♪

♪ Hotel, motel, Hampton Inn ♪

♪ Trying to make it back
to my Philly friends ♪

Ohh!



Would y'all quit all
that racket in there?

Don't you have homework to do?

Man, see, this is why I say
we should've never left Philly.

This place is bumfuck.

Now, that's enough of this talk, okay?

This is our home now. Deal with it.

- People here are corny as fuck.
- Well, you corny.

Look at you.

I'm Candyman!

Uh-uh! Hey! Stop it with them matches!

Mario, what the hell is wrong with you?

- Damn it! Break it up!
- You're a bitch!

Break it up, I said!

Enough!

Enough!

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Hurry!

Go! Move it!

- What are y'all gawking at?
- Get to class. Get in there.

- It's not funny. Get inside.
- What is...

So this is some kind of tradition?

It happens every year
to kick of Spirit Week.

Pranks between North Jackson
and Percival are legendary.

A whole week of this?

Leading up to homecoming.

Then they kick our ass
in the game every year.

Y'all keep moving.
Keep moving. Stop looking.

Well, not every year.

We beat 'em once, nine years ago.

All this means is we just
gotta come back at them even harder.

Oh, I'm afraid not. We are not
participating in this behavior.

Well, it's tradition, so

- you better...
- I'm sorry

if I do not share your enthusiasm

with damaging property, Mr. Gamby.

My house burned down.

This, right here, is
exactly why sports get on my nerves.

Us and them, winners, losers,

it divides us in a very unhealthy way.

- Yes, it does.
- Sports unhealthy?

Well, you might want to take
that up with the cereal Wheaties

'cause I think they would disagree.

Sounds stupid saying
sports are unhealthy.

Folks don't want to be seeing
doo-doo on the lawn.

Clean it up.

- Are you talk...
- Clean it up!

Okay.

Janice Swift. New fish.

The woman you are replacing
worked here for 30 years.

Many people loved her, including myself.

You have very big shoes
to fill. Are you ready?

Sure. I think so.

Don't be
braggadocios. It's not attractive.

Grab that ISS folder and follow me.

We're on the move!

Each of you will be required
to wear a safety vest

while you dispose of the manure.

Ms. Swift, I expect you
to be able to identify

these problem students visually.

Watch. Jared Ribner, caught
cheating on a math test.

Four days ISS.

Timothy Blanchard, called
his teacher a dickhead.

Seven days ISS.

And finally, our main attraction,
Mr. Barry Weiss.

I confiscated a vial of liquid
LSD from his locker.

Where'd you get the acid, Barry?

Where's the trips?

Not mine, and you can't prove it was.

Have fun cleaning up
Percival's horse shit, you asshole.

Flag him and let's move.

Every morning, I come
down here for breakfast.

I love to get a little something to eat.

They know what I like. What do I like
to eat for breakfast, you guys?

Come on, this ain't a trick question.
You guys know what I like.

Dayshawn, what do I like
to eat for breakfast?

Chocolate chip pancakes
with whipped cream, extra syrup.

What? No, I don't like that.

- Quinoa.
- Quinoa?

I know you're all about
that game this weekend though.

- I most certainly am.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

And I'll tell you what, I think we got
a good chance of winning this year.

We are gonna get our ass...
You are dead serious.

- For real?
- Yes, for real.

I mean, maybe. I hope so.

They do make us look like
we suck like shit though.

- I'm telling you.
- Dayshawn, do not talk

about sucking shit
in front of Ms. Swift.

- That is not appropriate.
- I'm sorry, Ms. Swift.

My name is Dayshawn.

I like your glasses.

Do you have boyfriend?

Do you?

Hmph. Didn't think so.

Let's move.

You want this corn dog?

No, it's okay.

I'm gonna give you my corn dog.

Whoo! Hot milk!

Looks like somebody caught
a mean case of school spirit.

Hey, Mr. Gamby.

- What was that?
- Nothin'.

Just a, uh, off-the-cuff remark
about your school pride.

I'm not gonna
repeat it word-for-word.

It just wouldn't be as fresh.

Okay. That's fine.

I mean, the gist of it was that, uh...

it looks like you're really
looking forward to homecoming.

Oh. Honestly, not at all.

I got assigned to be faculty advisor

for the homecoming committee,
but, um, I don't know.

This whole thing just makes
me feel very uncomfortable.

Now I know you're fuckin' with me.

Look at these signs.

Looks like you've been
working on these all night.

I just found that in the shed.

Well, you breathed new life into it.

Keep up the enthusiasm, Ms. Snodgrass.

We're sure gonna need it.

I wish I had a million,
ten thousands of you.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Get back to work.

Good work, Taylor! I love these signs!

- Snodgrass!
- Yeah?

On your knees!

To paint the sign, not to do dick sucks.

Oh, fuck. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Someone's been eating strawberries.

No, no, no.

Look, look, we... We should talk.

We should talk. Uh...

what happened in Charles Towne Landing,

it was a one-time thing.

What?

I literally just got
finished blowing you.

You haven't told anyone, have you?

Are you serious right now?
Are you playing with me?

Bosses and employees
cannot fuck each other.

That's not what you said
at Charles Towne Landing.

Your recollection of events
is all over the place, okay?

You wouldn't want to
be fired for being a liar.

It's not a lie. You fucked
the shit out of me.

Well, then for being a whore.

- Excuse me?
- I'm just sayin'.

That's how it's gonna look to people.

Who's gonna gossip?

- Whoever finds out about...
- I'll fucking kill 'em

- if they gossip.
- No. See? See?

There you go.

Just please don't tell anyone, okay?

If anybody gossips about my baby,

- I'll fucking kill 'em.
- No. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. No, look, look. Look, look.

We'll... we'll talk later.

- I love you.
- What?

No, no, no. No. No.
Not really. I just...

I'm not one of those guys
who's afraid to say that.

Just wait here five minutes
and leave after I leave, okay?

Okay.

I love you too.

All right, boys! Defense above the line!

God damn. Come on, Coach!

Get these boys movin'!

We're gonna get our ass kicked
for homecoming! Again!

Pay attention to the game!

They suck.

Did you see Brown this mornin'?

Jesus! Put a fork in her. She's done.

I installed spyware on Cuntress' laptop.

She's been hittin'
those Linkedln job searches

like she eats cheesecake.

I'll tell you what,
Gamby, we've got this bitch

exactly where we want her.

One push and she falls
into the Grand Canyon.

If she can fit.

- If she can fit! If she can fit!
- 'Cause she's so big

that there's no way she

- could probably fit.
- I got it.

Yeah.

Wait, is that a permanent marker?

No, no,

Russell, you're defacing
the athletic school property.

I don't give a fuck about athletics.
Don't you see, Gamby?

This is the perfect smokescreen.

We can do anything we want to
Brown and blame it on Percival.

No. I do not like that.

Oh.

Now that,

I can get behind.

That's the spirit, Gamby.

Get your asses off the bed
in those wet bathing suits.

They dry now.

Oh, I'm about to dry you.

I just spoke with your headmaster.

He said y'all been cutting class.

Dude suck. He's a old gay dude.

- Yeah, he tried to touch my nipple.
- Enough of this!

Now, how did you boys get
to be so disrespectful?

We've been going through a
lot. Our house burned down, Momma.

Oh, I know it did.

And they think
somebody did that on purpose,

and I'm startin' to wonder

who would want to burn down our house?

What you sayin', Momma?

Now, I need y'all to tell me the truth.

Did you all burn down that house

so we'd have to move back to Philly?

- The fuck?
- Why would be

burn our own shit, Momma?

Oh please! I know how you all
used to like to mess with fire.

Remember that Volkswagen?

That wasn't fire.

- Those were bottle bombs.
- Bottle bombs.

I don't care what it was!

Now answer me this.

Did you all skip class on
the day the house burned down?

Wait, what day was that?

Tuesday.

Oh. Yeah, we might've skipped.

Oh, you think this funny,
huh, little boy?

We didn't burn nothin'! Damn, Momma!

Stop bein' a asshole.

Don't you dare call me no asshole.

You both are grounded!

- To the hotel?
- You goddamn right, to the hotel.

You gonna sit here and think about

your mother being an asshole.

- Now get into bed. Now!
- But it's only 5:30!

I don't care what time it is!

Get your ass into bed!

Now!

Smack your lips again. Hear?

Looks like your intel was fucked up.

They were supposed to
be here 15 minutes ago.

They'll be here.

Hey, I know that we're doing
this to make Belinda look bad,

but wouldn't it be awesome if we
did some shit to Percival too?

You know, something
that just got in their heads,

messed with them,
made them blow this game?

Who gives a fuck about this game?

No, no, I know, I know.

I'm just saying wouldn't it be awesome

if we took, like, a shit in
that big fountain of theirs?

You think that's funny?
Taking a shit in a fountain?

Well, it could be
effective. You know, if you came there

and you saw that someone
had dookied on your stuff,

it might fuck with your head.

Fucking gross me out
is what that would do.

- Excuse me for brainstorming.
- Be quiet. Look.

Suit up.

Okay, let's do it!

Let's go!

Go, go!

Who the fuck is Belinda?

Don't worry about it.

Keep doing more! More!

Fuck you, Belinda Brown!

Jesus Christ, Russell!
Those are our fucking trophies!

I don't give a fuck!

Finish it!

Whoever did this is vile.

Y'all keep going. Don't gawk!

Yeah, I gotta agree.

You know, this is the worst
I've ever seen it.

Never seen it this bad.

But why would they single me out?

Well, maybe it's 'cause
you're a figurehead.

Or maybe they see a weakness.
I don't know.

I'll bet that's what it is.

I bet that they see a weakness.

They think you're a weak person.

Is that supposed to be my vagina? Hmm...

I'm gonna say that's a negative.

It appears that they're
saying that you are...

a, uh, a cunt.

So, I think that's just
a drawing of a cunt,

not necessarily your cunt.

I don't think it's yours. It's purple.

Yeah, so I think you're good
on that not being your cunt.

Mr. Gamby, get your keys.

Why? Where are we going?

We're going to Percival.

Gamby. I thought I smelled feet.

What are you doing here?

- Vice Principal Hernandez.
- Vice Principal Sweed.

- We're here to see Cavanaugh.
- She's busy.

Oh, I think she'll see me.

And me.

And me too.

Ooh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- It's fine. Come in.

Ms. Cavanaugh, I am
Dr. Belinda Brown from...

I know who you are.

So glad another woman has taken

an executive position in this district.

So, what gives me
the pleasure, Dr. Brown?

Well, truthfully, I am here to speak

- with you about Spirit Week.
- Mm.

Ah, I see.

I have a scheduled engagement
in the gymnasium.

Do you mind if we do this on the move?

There has to be adults
in this situation.

Can't we lead by example?

I'm just worried about the
message we're sending

if we let our students get away
with vile pranks like these.

It has gotten rather extreme.

We were hit just this morning.

Someone defecated in our fountain.

Oh! Damn, sorry to hear that.

Must be hittin'
everybody here pretty hard.

- It's a good prank.
- It's uninspired and base.

It's sad to think
what sort of child's mind

- would come up with such a thing.
- Mm.

Probably a pretty
smart one, I'd imagine.

So Principal Cavanaugh,
shall we end this rivalry?

Whoo!

I can't imagine

how emotionally unstable
you must feel right now.

Newly divorced, moving to a new town,

and your house burns to the ground?

And your only support is these two?

Everyone in the district knows
they wanted your job.

I'm sure they're very supportive.

Ugh, I feel for you, Belinda,

but I have a school of my own to run

and we have a game to win this Friday.

A game we always win.

See you there.

Who are we?

Rams! Rams!

Rams! Rams! Rams!

Rams! Rams! Rams!

Rams! Rams! Rams!

Rams! Rams!

Rams! Rams!

Rams! Rams!

Rams! Rams!

Taylor Watt,

what percentage done
are these decorations?

Oh, I think we're almost finished.

You see, this is why I have to
supervise these goddamn things.

- What's up, Neil?
- Well, Taylor Watt seems to think

that you guys are pretty much
almost done decorating for the pep rally.

Yes, finally.

What do you think?

No. Don't do trumpets.

Look, this right here,
this is not enough.

I've been to Percival.

I've seen what the Rams are doing,

and they're fucking crushing us!

I mean, this banner,

what... what is it even saying?

It doesn't even say "Go!"
It says "North Jackson High."

What... what do you think, we
forgot what high school we go to?

There... there's no,
nothing about winning,

nothing about go and kill
those motherfuckers, there's nothing!

Okay, calm down.

The girls have been working
very hard on this,

and it's not like the
decorations are gonna win us the game anyway.

Please do not
underestimate the decorations, okay?

We could use all the help we can get.

I mean, Taylor, you are
a beautiful young lady,

but what you're working
on here, it's horse shit.

You might as well just come out
in the middle of the pep rally,

bend over, and fart.
Okay? Because it's nothing.

What you've done is a fart in the wind.

Bleh.

Come on, you grease monkey! Let's go!

Hey, Dad. Ray is just
teaching me how to do an oil change.

Ooh.

Well, clean up your hands.
Come on, I'm starvin'.

Gambo!

- Car is lookin' good.
- Thank you, Ray.

So you pumped for the big
game tomorrow night?

Yes. Probably more than you are
'cause I work at the school,

unlike you, who is
involved for no reason.

Well, not no reason.

You know Percival is
my alma mater, right?

Purple and silver all the way.

Percival Rams forever!

- Whoo!
- Jesus, Ray.

I don't know if you know this or not,

but the reputation around town is

that people that go to Percival suck.

- Percival is gonna win.
- No, they will not.

- Percival is gonna win.
- Warriors will win.

- Percival is gonna win.
- Warriors will win.

Don't talk about stuff
you don't know about.

I think I know about the
high school football teams, Ray,

and it's gonna be the Warriors.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?

Yes, you will.

And you won't be happy
when we beat your ass!

Percival!

There you boys are.

I thought I told you
all you were grounded.

You said grounded to the hotel.

- This is the hotel, right?
- You know I meant the room.

So, you need to get up there right now.

- Man, that room stink.
- You know what?

You'll think about that the next time
you call your mother an asshole.

Momma, have you been crying?

What do you care if
an asshole's been crying?

Look, Momma, we did not
burn down the house.

Okay? I promise you.

I know you all didn't
burn down that house.

I believe you.

And I know moving here hasn't been easy.

You guys didn't have
a say in the matter.

And I just needed to be
some place your dad wasn't.

I needed a... I needed a fresh start.

I should've asked you guys how you felt.

I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

It's okay.

Let's just move back.

Yeah. It won't be like
a failure or nothing.

It'll just be like we saying,

"Nah," and heading on.

Yeah, Momma. Can we please go home?

People say we're not very good this year

because we only beat Derby High.

But Derby High was actually pretty good.

And we're good too.

And we're gonna be good
in the game against Percival.

Maybe we'll even beat those guys.

Whoo.

Jesus Christ.

None of these students have
any goddamn school spirit.

Look at Brown.

She's all fucked out.

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

Game over.

Game over.

So thanks for coming out
and showing your school spirit!

Go Warriors!

Yeah!

Oh, this ought to be interesting.

- Mostly everyone at...
- May I have the floor for a second?

Thank you.

All right.

In the last week, um...

I lost my house...

had my car vandalized,

had disparaging words
graffitied about me.

And I'm not proud to admit

that the whole circumstance got me...

well, acting like an asshole.

- Is she drunk?
- It's true.

Who cares?

I lost my cool several times

and I misjudged those
I've come to count on the most.

See, sometimes, it's easy
to assume the worst

in people when you think
you know their history.

But I am standing here
today as living proof

that we get to rewrite our history

every single goddamn day!

I know you all believe

that this school has lost
to Percival at homecoming

every year for the last seven years.

Nine years!

- Nine?
- Nine.

Damn. Okay, okay.

Still, I know you think
that we're gonna lose tonight.

Hm? That we're just no damn good!

Bull!

I refuse to write that history.

The history that I write tonight says

that we're going to rise up

and kick some ass!

Come on!

Whoo! Let's go blue! Yeah!

Hell yeah! Go Warriors!

Damn right, Ron Eggart. I see you!

And I see you too, Jason Pepper.

Oh, and I see you, Beth Chapman!

Fuck me. She learned
their goddamn names.

I see all of y'all!

Together,

we will rewrite this school's history.

And that history starts today.

Right goddamn now!

Whoo!

Come on, we can do it!

Let's win this for fucking Dr. Brown!

Jesus Christ, I did not see this coming.

That soaring, fucking rhetoric of hers!

I gotta admit, it was pretty good.

I could've done without the
profanities of course...

Do you have any idea what will happen

if we win this game?

Everything that we have worked
for will be for nothing.

Now, we need to make sure

that Jackson is crushed by Percival.

- Oh, come on, Russell.
- We don't have a choice.

Look, this is it.
Everything is on the line.

If Jackson wins, we lose.

And if we lose, we win.

And if we dose them with Barry
Weiss' liquid acid LSD, we win.

Are you talking about dosing the team?

- Oh...
- Are you out of your fucking mind?

We could go to jail for

- 20 years for that.
- Jesus.

I'm just jokin', Gamby.

Everybody always says that about you.

"Gamby has no idea when I'm jokin'."

I'll think of somethin'.

You know, if it's a couple
hits of acid or whatever...

I mean, not that, but you know.

No, I can tell that the plan
for you is still to do the acid.

Look, Russell, we actually have
a chance to beat Percival here.

Who fuckin' cares, Gamby?
Really, who fuckin' cares?

Now, you need to just
go home and just relax.

I'll handle it.

- No fuckin' acid.
- Hey, Mr. Gamby.

Hello, Taylor.

Principal Cavanaugh. How are you?

I'm fantastic.

These are my sons Mario and Luke.

Uh-huh. I see the resemblance.

And this is Zachary, my in vitro child.

Hmm, wonderful.

I just want to thank you

- for everything.
- Why thank me?

Well, I took your advice to heart.

When I left Percival,
I had a clear vision

- of what it is I need to do.
- Hm?

I need to fuckin' annihilate
you and your candy-ass school,

and tonight, I'm gonna bury you

and those buttoned-up
pancake titties of yours

out in the end zone.

Good luck tonight.

Enjoy the game.

Bitch.

Go Warriors!

Lee, where the hell are
you? I'm at the stadium.

Call me. Immediately.

Warriors' ball...

Mr. Gamby, you missed it.
We're stomping their asses!

Dayshawn, get the hell out of my way!

That's in. First down.

Lee.

Lee, stop right there.

- Don't do this.
- Don't do what?

The thing that I've
already just done? I just did it.

Lee, we'll take down Belinda Brown,

but not at the expense
of North Jackson High.

Do you hear those people out there?

They're cheering for our school.

- We could win this game!
- I told you, Gamby,

I don't give a fuck about athletics!

Fuck sports!

It's not about us.
It's about the school.

Ah, ah.

- I command you to let go.
- I command you to let go.

- Lee, let go.
- Let go.

- Lee. You let go.
- Let go.

- Gamby, I'm not letting go.
- Let go.

- You let go.
- You better let go.

- I...
- You let go.

- Gamby, let fucking...
- I command you to let go!

Don't do it! Don't drink it!

You fucking idiot!

This shit gets absorbed
through the skin!

- Say what?
- Yes!

What? It... absorbs through the skin?

It's all over me! It's all over me!

- What do we do?
- Let's get the fuck out of here!

Just get out of here! Go!

Hey, man!

Boys sure are giving us
a run for our money.

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Neil! We're only one touchdown behind!

We can do this!

I love you.

Thank you, spirit.

You boys get out of here.

Now!

Warriors have the ball
on the 42-yard line.

10 seconds left.

And this play could win
the game for the Warriors.

We might be witnessing
North Jackson history here, folks.

Blue 42!

Hike!

History has been made with
the Warriors here tonight!

North Jackson wins.

We won, Russell.

We've made her a martyr.

How long do we have
to stay down here for?

This is our home now.

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