Vice Principals (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Field Trip - full transcript

Gamby looks to impress Amanda on a field trip organized by Mr. Hayden, a good-guy history teacher.

This is absurd.

Oh, my God.

- There she is.
- There she is.


Look at her. Like a fucking dinosaur.

- Oh, she's got bed head too.
- Oh, my God.

I can see the edge of her fucking Spanx.

- Look at that. Look at that ass.
- Ugh...

I bet when she get up here, she
smells like fucked buttholes.

I believe that's what the children
call truffle butter.

- Hey, Dr. Brown.
- Hello.

Boom, boom, boom.

The ground fucking shakes.

Boom, boom, boom.

Hey, darling. Oh, we've
been thinking about you.

Were you able to get any sleep?
You must be so tired.

I know you have a lot going on,

but we like to raise
the flag at half past seven.

- Just so you know.
- I'm sorry, I'm turned around.

Forgive me for running
late, I do have a budget

meeting with the
super I need to prepare for.

Do you boys mind
handling this one yourselves?

Oh, of course not, darling,
please go inside, do what you need to do.

Let us know if you need anything.

- Hmm.
- I told you.

Fucked buttholes.

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- --

What's happening, Mr. Gamby?

Are you gonna go eat
with them teachers today?

Dayshawn, I'm patrolling the
cafeteria, I can't just go eat

with whoever I want to
cause I feel like it.

Look, ain't nobody going
to cause any trouble.

Go eat with them. Don't be scared.

- Who's scared?
- Ain't nothing wrong with being scared.

You just outside your
comfort zone, that's all.

I'm plenty comfortable, Dayshawn.

Look, even I wanted to,
I don't even have a lunch.

- So, couldn't even go over there.
- Mr. Gamby,

you don't need no lunch money.

I got you, dog.

Who did it? Who the fuck did it?

I'm gonna watch some tapes!
We're going to see who thinks

it's funny for a man to
be hit in the face with meat!

Goddamn it!

Scoot over.

Hi. I just need a second to settle
down, then I'll figure out who did that.

- Oh, do you want to use my napkin?
- Yeah, that'd be great.

Here we go.

You got a little...
yeah. That's it, that's the one.

So, what's up with you?

Anything cool happening
in English this week?

Um, actually, no. I'm chaperoning
Bill Hayden's

history field trip to
Charles Towne Landing.

- Hmm. That seems a little odd.
- Does it?

An English teacher chaperoning
a history field trip.

English, history,
kind of go hand-in-hand.

They really don't, they're totally
different departments.

Let me guess, Bill Hayden invited you?

- Yep.
- Okay, I'll work it out with him.

Don't worry, you didn't do
anything wrong, it's not your fault at all,

you're not in trouble or anything.

But I'll have some words with him.

You know what? You're beautiful
in this light.


That's not sexual harassment,

it's just a compliment to someone.

- You're allowed to do that.
- Yep.

You don't... you can just take
it. It's fine, take your compliment.

- I know, I'm uncomfortable.
- Don't be uncomfortable.

I tell Sue she's beautiful all the time.

Sue, you're gorgeous.

Hey, Andrea, I'm still waiting
for that homework. Still.

Lentrel, move your ass.

I'm cool, but I'm not that cool.

- I want to see it tomorrow.
- Mr. Hayden!

- Mind if I have a word?
- Mr. Gamby, what's up?

You're going to bring that inside,
where everybody can see?

Oh, am I not allowed to have
this in the hallways?

Oh, no, you can have it. I just
didn't know if you wanted

everybody knowing
you ride a bike to work.

- Oh. I'm not ashamed of that.
- Okay, if you're not.

I was on my way out the door.

Was there something else
you wanted to talk about?

Yes. As a matter of fact, there was.

It's come to my attention
that you are planning

a little field trip and you've
been hand selecting chaperones.

I was just curious
why you didn't inform me?

I told Mr. Russell. So...

Well, the thing is, Mr. Russell is not

the vice principal in
charge of discipline. That'd be me.

I'm sorry I didn't run it by you.

The thing is I'm not really
sure if I can approve

this field trip if you
don't have a disciplinary, uh,

advisor chaperone going
onto the trip too with you.

Are you saying that the trip
is canceled unless you come along?

I guess I am the, uh,
most qualified, aren't I?

I have to check my schedule, though,
I got a lot of shit going on.

But for now, let's say yes, I will come.

A field trip? Brown is bleeding out

like a fucking buffalo right now.
Now is the time to strike!

I'm not asking for permission,
Russell, I'm

telling you, I'm going
on the fucking field trip.

I need a favor from
you as well. You said that

you keep a secret file
on everybody at school.

I need the one you got
on Amanda Snodgrass, so...

What? That's not funny.

That is funny, the truth comes out. You
trying to get your little dick wet.

- That is not what I'm trying to do.
- It is exactly

what you're trying to do. I can
see it all over your face.

Don't talk about my dick being wet.

- Like a little fucking horny dog.
- Nope.

Like a corn dog, a little red dog.

Don't talk about my
red things, don't do that.

I bet you gonna wear shorts
on the trip, ain't you?

Jesus fucking
Christ. Gamby puts on shorts

and tries to go fuck
somebody, that's just fucking gross. Oh!

Look, are you going to help me or not?

Fuck no! Ha! Never.

Goddamn! You can die on
that bus for all I care.

I'll see you on
Monday, you little horny dog.

Ray's really good, isn't he?

I'm noticing some inconsistencies.

He's losing a lot of speed
around those turns.

- Jealous much?
- Why, because he rides a dirt bike

- and gets my sloppy seconds?
- What's sloppy seconds?

Your mom because of her bad attitude.

Speaking of jealous,

guess who's going on a little
trip with a lady friend?

Ah, you're seeing somebody?

Ah, yes, I am.

Amanda Snodgrass. Google her.

Hey, did you tell
your dad your big news?

- What, you got news?
- Yeah, I want to start doing motocross.

Ray thinks I'll be good at it.

But I told her she had to ask you first.

- Well, the answer is no.
- Dad, why not?

Because it's dangerous. Look at this.

This is for losers and rednecks.

She wants to do this and I was
only asking you to be nice.

- We're doing it.
- Ray Liptrapp,

- it looks like he's gonna...
- Yes, buddy!

Hello, all.

- Hey!
- Hey, Mr. Gamby.

Ms. Snodgrass. I got it all sorted out.

Sorted what out?

Sort this out. The field trip.

I sorted out and now I'm here.

Who the fuck was that? Whistle
one more time, see what happens!

Sit down, goddamn it!

Hey, Bruce Carter, big Bruce.
Good to see you, man.

I didn't know you
were coming on this trip.

Yeah, yeah.

They, uh, they appointed me
as supervisor of discipline.

That's not what I heard.

What'd you hear, Ms. Abbott?

Well, I heard you threatened to shut
the trip down unless you could come on it.

That's not true. Maybe you got some of
that Starbucks frappy drink in your ear

because that is not what happened.

No, what... look, I do
have the power to do that, though,

I could shut this
thing down anytime I want to.

But I'm not because
I want us to have fun.

All right, all right,
all right. Chaperones.

Oh, it's just like Matthew McConaughey!

McConaughey, yeah.

- That's funny.
- Thanks, thanks.

Um, shall we hit the road, guys?

Yes. Sweet.

Let's do it.

- Hilarious.
- Neal, after you.

Got some loose lips on you, huh?

- Excuse me?
- No. I will not.

Sort of find different ways to
work out when you're on the bus.

Yeah. Uh, possibly if there's
time, you might...

Which would be
incredible. There may be a musket.

Uh, I wonder what type...

- Ms. Snodgrass.
- Yeah.

Snodgrass is such an interesting name.

- Oh, you think so?
- Yeah. What... what is it? Scottish?

I would imagine northern, uh,
middle English probably.

"Snod" meaning, obviously smooth,
sleek, even, "grass" meaning grass.

- Smooth grass.
- How would you know that?

Oh, I've always been fascinated
with surnames and their meanings.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

Cool. What does Gamby mean?

Uh... you know, to
be, uh... it's medieval...

Hey, guys? Hey, guys!
Listen up for a second!

Pretty soon, we're gonna be arriving
in historic Charles Towne.

Okay? But it's not where
we're arriving, it's when.

Okay, we are taking a trip through time,

all the way back to the year 1670,

when the British settlers
established what would eventually become

the first permanent settlement
here in the Carolinas.

Okay? It's gonna be a lot of fun.

Unless... unless...
if I may interject here,

unless we choose not to have
fun and act like assholes.

Then it's not gonna be pretty. Trust me.

But none of us are
assholes, and actually using language

like that is one example of
what not to do on this trip.

Actually, make your
own rules for yourself,

because I'm... I make rules
for myself, you make rules for you,

and then I make rules
for you guys as well.

That's... that's fine. But I
don't think we'll have any problems,

but I want everybody to be individuals,
okay? Soak in the culture.

And don't act like assholes.

Because that's gonna be
enough and that's enough.

Enough is enough.

Believe that. Believe that.


All right. Go ahead, that's
done, we're done.

He sits first, then I
sit. I'm the last one.

Guys, now, this is so cool,
everything you see here today

is exactly as it was over 300 years ago.

Which means no iPads,
no phones, no cars.

Uh, how about, "No thank you."

Guys, you'll also see the
various characters from settlement life,

such as craftsmen, militia,
and yes, even slaves.

- Oh, I don't know about this.
- What's that, Mr. Gamby?

They shouldn't have to
do this. That's racist.

It's part of history.

Charles Towne had slaves.

Well, I'm sorry, but
I don't believe in that.

You don't have to believe in it,

it doesn't change the fact
that slavery happened.

Bill, why are you arguing with me?

I'm saying that slavery
is wrong, all right?

There's no reason for
you to be arguing with that.

I'm... that's...
I'm not arguing with that.

Look, don't make the whole
field trip about yourself.

Let's keep moving, guys, come on.


Make sure you get Ms. Snodgrass
and these guys in it.

Okay, look sad.

- Get a picture of me.
- All right.

Get a picture of me. You
know how to use a camera?

- Get a picture.
- Hayden, you're out.

Your turn... your turn's up.
Snodgrass, you're staying in.

One with us two. Great work, Hayden.

Bruce, just make sure we're all

- framed up. Okay?
- Crap, I closed it.

- Get... get the shot, Bruce.
- Hold on, what's on your password?

- 7-7-7-7-2, just do it, put it on.
- My neck hurts. Can I...

- Let me get the flash ready here.
- Bruce, just open the... the camera app.

- Not the photo app.
- No, wait, there it is. I got it.

- This is gonna be good.
- No, don't take the photo.

Done. Erase it now.

- Looks nice.
- Bruce, will you post it?

Here. Get me out of here.

- Want to see it?
- Get me out.

Goddamn it. You
better not have gotten it.

I told you not to take it.
I didn't want this picture.

- Give it to me.
- He said it's really good.

So, guys, we're gonna
meet back down here at 6:30,

and then we're gonna head to
dinner in the hotel restaurant. Okay?

Oh, so we have some
time to relax. Great.

Who's up for hanging out
in the chill suite?

I don't want to drink alone,
but I will if you make me.

I think maybe the plan is just
to get some rest, Neal.

I think the adults can make
choices for themselves, Hayden.

Oh, I'm going to have to be a party
pooper, that sun wore me out.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Them turkey legs have my
stomach feeling funny, so...

I'll check out the chill suite.
Turkey legs didn't do anything bad to me.

No, uh, actually, I
have some work to do.

I think we should all
just go our own way.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

Snow bunny.

"The Elder and the Egg."
A novelist. Hm...



Hmm? What the fuck?



Go, get the fuck out of here!

Who are you?

No, you didn't.

What did you do?

It wasn't a shooting. It
was just the guy with the pizza.

That's so embarrassing.

- You have to hear him tell it.
- Yeah, real nice, Hayden.

You know you could've
called my hotel room.

Bruce, I expect this
kind of behavior from him,

but you, I thought we were
cut from the same cloth.

We thought you were doing your own
thing, you said you had work.

I do have to do work, but I also
want to eat. Jesus Christ!

- Well, go ahead and eat now, Neal.
- Yeah, it's really good.

Hey, how are we doing over here?
Can I get you guys anything else?

Yes. I need to order an entr?e
now. I already know what I want.

I want a Blue Moon, the
buffalo burger, and your salad bar,

and put a rush on it, I need it pronto.

Well, we're kind of busy tonight,

so it'll be ready when it's ready.

Excuse me? Would you say that again?

Sure, it'll be ready when it's ready.

Am I sensing a little attitude from you?

Are you trying to pop off
and not get a tip, smart mouth?

No. Just telling you. And your
party's over six, so gratuity's included.

- Yeah.
- Fucking bitch.

Well, we should get these
kids to bed, Neal.

You're welcome to stay
and finish your food.

Uh, you guys go on. I'll,
uh, I'll keep Mr. Gamby company.

Okay. It's up to you.

Fine, leave. I don't give a shit.

- Good night, Bruce.
- Good night, guys.

Finally, right?

You know what I'm looking forward to?

This buffalo burger.
I heard it's awesome.

You know, the last time I had a buffalo

burger, I was actually
skiing in, uh, Colorado.

You ever been to Colorado?

Uh, actually, I love
it, I've been a few times.

Oh, yeah? Wow. We got a lot in common.

It's nuts how I know
about your last name, and

what it means, and
know that you like Colorado.

It's like I know

- all your sweet spots.
- Yeah.

Let me guess, you also have
ambitions to be a writer?

Neal, can I tell you something?

Yeah, of course, you
can tell me anything.

Great. Everyone thinks
you're an asshole, Neal.

You're ruining the trip.

What, does wine make you tell jokes?

No. No, I'm not joking.

Everyone was super excited about coming
here and now you're ruining it.

You're being controlling and very weird.

Kind of like a little bitch-ass.

- Bitch-ass?
- Mm.

Well, some of the stuff you're saying

- is pretty bitch-ass, too.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, there's things I
could tell you that you

- should change about yourself.
- Please do.

How you're just always
trying to... wearing...

that stuff with your necklaces,
just how you're...

The part in your
beautiful hair, just like...

it looks so stupid,
how it's on that one side.

Whatever, just, like, don't
act like you're perfect.

I am not perfect.

Yeah, well, so give me
a pass for once, please.

- Thank you, Jesus Christ!
- Okay.

Who's saying this
bologna anyway? Hayden?

- No, I'm saying it, Neal.
- Oh. Very impressive.

Bill Hayden's getting a female

- teacher to do his dirty work.
- No.

Now, that is the
definition of bitch-ass.

Good night. Good night, Neal.

I need you to wrap up all my
stuff. I'm taking this to go.

The salad bar's dine-in only.

You fucking cocksucker.


What the fuck?

Open up! This is
Vice Principal Neal Gamby!

If you do not open this door
right fucking now, I'm calling parents!

One Mississip, two Mississip.

Jesus H. Christ.

Party's over, party's over!

Kurt Small, that's
five days of ISS for you.

Randy Gamble, you got that
bottle of Tanqueray, eight days for you.

My wine sack! Who did this?
Who drank my Chablis?

No one drank it, we poured it out.

The pouch made it taste all meaty.

You think you know about
wine, sweetheart?

What wine pairs good
with ten days ISS? Huh?

Is it a zinfandel?
Is it a fucking shiraz?

Where's Tammy Wooten
and Kyle Gebhart? Huh?

- Where are they?
- They're hooking up.

My God.

Hayden, wake up! We got
a code red, Hayden!

- Hayden!
- What's going on?

We got a major situation here. We got...

What the fuck? What's
going on here? Just a little...

You guys are all hanging out
and you didn't even invite me?

- Just having some...
- No, yeah, we didn't plan this.

- This just sort of happened.
- Yeah.

Goddamn it, Bruce! This
trip's got me seeing you

- in a whole new light now.
- Gamby, you want a mudslide or what?

No, I don't want a mudslide,
that's not even a drink, it's a dessert.

- That's two desserts for you tonight.
- It's my cheat day.

Did you need something, Neal?

Yeah. As a matter of fact
I did, Mr. Popularity.

The students are
drunk off their asses and

Tammy Wooten and Kyle Gebhart,
they're missing.

- Wait, what?
- What?

- Where are they?
- Okay, what do we do?

Well, it's come to my
attention that you guys

don't really want me here.
That you guys think

I'm an asshole, I believe was the term.

But let me tell you this, you
better be glad that I am here.

Because if this was Lee
Russell or Belinda Brown,

they would've called the cops
by now. Be glad I'm cool.

Cause I'm gonna give
you all one more shot.

Well, if they're drunk and missing,

maybe we do need to call the cops.

- Yeah. Maybe.
- No.

I'm giving you all one more shot.

Go! Let's go!

Oh, hey, have you seen two
students, high school, quite possibly drunk?

- Habla Espanol?
- No, no. Thank you.

- So, what's the real story, Bill?
- What?

Come, on, man, don't be dumb
with a fellow educator.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Why would Ms. Snodgrass say

I'm ruining the trip when I've
been doing nothing but being helpful?

You know what I think's going on?

I think you're trying
to turn her against me.

Do you have a crush on Ms. Snodgrass?

Psh! No. She's ugly.

- Holy shit!
- Hey! No!

Hey! No!

- Fucking, hey!
- Get out of her!

- No! No!
- Oh, my God! Shit!

- Oh, my God!
- Fuck!

How dare you make this trip sexual.

What are we in trouble
for? For being in love?

- For being an idiot.
- That's bullshit.

You know what's bullshit,
Kyle Gebhart? You are, mister.

You came on this trip
with big designs, didn't you?

Thought you'd come
out here and expand your

sexual conquests, but
instead what happened?

You failed. You must feel like a fool,
right? Pretty fucking pathetic.

I think we've all
learned our lesson here.

Hayden, I say when lessons
have been learned.

Lessons have been learned.

Now Mr. Hayden's gonna
take you to your rooms,

since he caused this
whole entire debacle.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah, you heard me, Bill.

This is what happens when faculty
members get shitfaced on mudslides.

I'm just glad that everyone is safe.

Yeah, so am I. Bill, what are you doing?

Get these kids up to
their room. Let's go.

Well, that's enough excitement
for me, for one night.

Yeah, me too. Um, good night.

Good night.

Got to hand it to you, Mr. Gamby,
you and Bill really saved the day.

Well, Bill didn't do anything.
He was useless.

Totally. Useless.

- Oh! Pretty wild night, huh?
- No.

You're wrong, it wasn't wild at all.

Guess it wasn't that wild.

Uh-uh. Don't just agree
with everything I'm saying.

- It's annoying.
- Yep. That's weird.

I don't know... I
don't know why I did that.

After I said it was wild, I was
thinking, "Pfft! No, it wasn't."

No, dog.

Oh. Hey, Neal. You're awake early.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I didn't sleep much

with all the excitement last night.

Kind of a messy night, huh?

Yeah. To say the least.

Hey, listen, um, about
what I said last night.

That was... uncool of me. I'm sorry.

- I shouldn't have...
- No, you don't have to apologize.

We all did stuff last night
that I'm sure we'll regret forever.

What did you do that you
would regret forever?

Just that I was supposed
to get my daughter a souvenir.

It's the only thing I
did that's regretful really.

Do you want me to help
you pick something out?

- You'd do that?
- Of course.

- Okay, yeah. That'd be cool. Uh...
- Okay.

She's 13 years old, what do
you think? Think she'd like this?

This... this too small?

Maybe you should buy her some food.

She has... eats a lot.

Does she like these horses, maybe?

Actually, she loves horses.

Um... I'm amazing.

This big monster here.

120 bucks.

Maybe the old wooden
Native American one.

Yeah. Don't get her that one.

- You think this one?
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- It's worth it.

Yeah. That's easy.

- Thank you, it's awesome.
- It's my pleasure.

That's my personal business, for
work. You shouldn't be looking at that.

What in the fuck is this?

You have everything about her in here.

Right now I'm looking at the
section on her menstrual cycle.

- It's disgusting and weird.
- Shh, shh.

Just keep your fucking mouth
shut about this, okay, please?

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- --