Veep (2012–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Chicklet - full transcript

Having settled on a location for her presidential library, Selina and Mike get to work on her book. Meanwhile, Dan lands in a gossip column.

You've had a small heart attack.
A heart attack?

Yes Ma'am.

Next year you get to buy my book.

Can't you just give me a copy?

It may be impossible for you to concieve.

I'm going to save a fortune in
morning after pills.

I can still taste you in my mouth
from last night.

I am really sorry that Dad did this to you.

The only one who should be sucking
your dick is Daylight Savings Time

- and I don't give a fuck that that
means some farmer in Kansas

- has to milk his cow using
flashlight.



We all know about you and Jane.

I haven't slept with a woman
over 30 since I was 14.

I can't do the whole five mil
by myself anymore.

Seriously?
I am all in on Jonah Ryan

and I owe you one.

Ma'am, American University
is a fine institution.

American University sounds like
a made-up college in Egypt.

Okay? I don't want my library there.

Well, technically, it
wouldn't even be a library.

- What?
- It won't be a library, ma'am.

No, I heard her. You
understand that, Amy,

that even Richard has
trouble understanding you?

You would be donating all
of your papers, gifts,

and ephemera to them, to their library.



Well, of course the dresses. I think...

No, they don't want the dresses!

You know that every president since FDR

has had a goddamn library, okay?

Even that sanctimonious
fraud Carter had a library.

American University, it's
like American Univer-shit.

Hey!

Thank you. Thank you!

I just wanna say that I
am so proud to be here

- as a part of...
- National Volunteer Week.

National Volunteer Week.

Yeah, really important.

Okay, thanks.

Super. Great!

How about that? How about that?

I also do wallpaper.

Thank you guys so much.
It's been so much fun.

I love this T-shirt, too.

It's just so happy and wonderful!

Bye-bye! Thank you! Thank you.

Get this T-shirt off of me.

I look like I'm trying out
for "The Price is Right."

God Almighty, I wish I'd
been assassinated in office.

No, don't say that!

Although, with my luck, I'd
be then crippled for life,

sitting in a wheelchair in my reading
room with my name on the thing.

They haven't agreed to putting
your name on anything, ma'am.

- What?
- They said they haven't agreed

to putting your name on anything, ma'am.

- sync and corrections by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -

That food was just disgusting.
Why did we even go there?

Do you want me to get you anything else?

You didn't eat anything.

Oh, God, I hate every food ever,

from everywhere.

- Have you tried ice cream?
- Ugh.

You know what, I was gonna
wait until afternoon tea,

but I have got a fun surprise for ya.

They have unveiled your wax
figure at Madame Tussauds!

- Oh, is that the fun part?
- Check that out.

What?! They have me next to Gerald Ford?

Is this the Hall of Half-Term Wonders?

I thought that was Craig T. Nelson.

God, can nothing go right for me, ever?!

What can I do? What can I do?
I will fix it.

Why do they even
have a wax figure of Ford?

- I don't know.
- The real one was made of wood.

Get them to move me next
to... to Lincoln or to Mao

- or some other game-changing icon!
- Aw, yes.

That's what I am.
Don't make that noise!

Just do it before I melt
down that whole collection

and use it to wax

Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch!

Oh, God, no.

My pantyhose go up so high.

Ma'am, it's normal

to experience a temporary
depression after a heart attack.

I went through it with my father.

He was unbearable.

Trust me, Amy, it was
not the heart attack

that depressed your dad.

And anyway, I'm not depressed.

I just feel like I'm a thick, dark fog

and everyone disappoints
me and nothing works out,

and what's the point of anything anyway?

And before you ask,

it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay?

'Cause I'm getting 14
hours of sleep a night.

Hey, ma'am, if you ever
wanna talk to a therapist,

I got a great gal.

Wendy and I went to see her
when things were rocky.

Both of them went to town on me.
It was brutal.

I cried so hard, I threw up, but it
was the best thing I've ever done.

Okay, look at me, Mike, all right?

Not crazy, okay?

- You know, Mom...
- What?

therapists can help
with all kinds of problems

that aren't necessarily mental illness.

I mean, my woman is amazing.

You're in therapy? Since when?

Since I was 13.

Well, what you really
needed was a dermatologist.

Ma'am, have you done any more thinking

about Catherine and me moving into
Mee-Maw's after the baby is born?

Okay, Marjorie, that's, like, 14 things

that I can't, you know...

- So...
- You know, Dr. Diane thinks

that it would be really
great if you could come in,

that it could really
open up and facilitate

good communication
between the two of us.

Okay, well, Dr. Diane
is an asshole, okay?

I'll tell you what else, I'm not gonna
carry that. I'm not carrying that either.

Oh, Richard, can Catherine and
I speak with you for a moment?

Well, you're the boss.

Richard, are there any hereditary
issues that run in your family?

Well, my father and I both
hate eating butterscotch,

but love to say it.

Butterscotch.

Sorry, why do you ask?

Thanks.

Oh, fuck!

"Wethinks Danny Boy Toy
doth protest too much.

'Himbo' Egan Dan-ies affair
with NewsMILF, McCabe."

All right, you know what? Fuck that.

Hey, this isn't a library!

Oh, no, it's a graveyard that sells gum.

- Print is dead.
- You wanna buy some gum?

No, I get all my gum on Amazon.

But if the check is
for the Rare Bird Conservancy,

then why does it have to go through
the Andrew H. Meyer Trust?

That's a good catch, little Cat.

Um, you know what?

Just for tax purposes,

why don't you make it out to cash?

That's easy, hmm?

I'll just leave it blank.

It's not your drop-by day.

I couldn't wait another moment

to see my two favorite daughters.

What?

Where did little Madge
disappear to, anyway?

You asked her to wait by your
street meter in case it ran out.

Right. Darn.

Morning, ma'am. Hey,
we really need to...

I will wait in the living room.

You're not giving any money to the
Music Man here, are you, sweetie?

Have you no shame?

- And, Mom.
- What?

- Here is your monthly allowance.
- Okay.

And what chores do you do around
the house to deserve that?

I show assholes the door.

Well, regardless,

I bid you both adieu.

- Flattering skirt.
- Shut up.

Hey, Mike, sorry. I gotta get running.

But your investment is doing well.

I've never gotten a statement.

Here's a statement... your
investment is doing quite well.

- Can you believe the nerve of him?
- No, I can't.

Ma'am, actually, I gotta talk to you.

I got another call from the publisher.

We need to buckle down and
start writing the book, okay?

What if we started with when
Hughes selected you as his veep?

I mean, the lies.

The flagrant self-interest!

Do you have any memory of that moment?

Any details, any specifics?

You know, during my
first win for Congress,

he was cheating on me
during the entire campaign

and said it was my fault.

- I didn't know that. Okay.
- Yeah, absolutely he did.

Andrew said that he was campaigning
long hours at the office for me.

But what was he doing?

He was fucking Louise Kellog for me,

my goddamn press secretary.

'Cause that's what he does, see?

- He makes you...
- Who was your opponent in that race?

Uh, I don't know. Some old white guy.
They're all the same.

And it was a really tight race.

Everybody said I was gonna lose,

and people were saying I was cold

and that I was unrelatable.

Down, down.

Whatever happened to Louise Kellog?

Oh, God, I made Andrew
can her slutty can.

And then we just hired the least
fuckable press secretary we could find.

Huh, that's actually right when
I started working with you.

Hey, get up.

- What?
- Give me that fork.

- What? What? What gives?
- Up, up.

Fundraising laws... no silverware.

Yeah, if you sit, it's a meal,

which is a gift, which is a bribe,

which is a line of prison inmates

standing on each other's shoulders
trying to sodomize you.

Well, my feet hurt and
I'm really hungry.

Well, that's why we told you to eat
a big meal before you got here!

Well, I wasn't hungry then! And
I need to go to the bathroom.

You just went.

Hey, here he is, the
Macher of the Moment.

- Mr. Tanz.
- Jonah, I want you to meet my wife, Lia,

and daughter, Shawnee.

Yeah, what'd I tell ya? He's tall, huh?

Hi, Mrs. Tanz. Ms.
Tanz, you are smoking.

I'm the daughter. Gross.

- We have a six-year-old.
- Oh, mazel tov.

Listen, I have a thought...
I wanna make sure

that when you talk about
Daylight Savings Time,

you don't forget to talk about crime.

It'll get dark earlier all year long,

which means more burglaries and
murders and rape through the roof.

Wait, isn't that bad?

Wait, wait, you didn't let
me get to the best part.

More crime means more
for-profit prisons.

We're gonna lock 'em up
and we're gonna fry 'em.

What are you, a monster?

If you kill them, they
can't get arrested again.

- That's how we make our money.
- Processing fees.

Right, which you would know

if you hadn't been losing a
battle of wits with a meatball.

Great candidate, Dad.

Impressive.

I can see why you married the other one.

- That's my Shawnee.
- Yeah.

- Moe.
- You better go and fix this, okay?

And go do it fast before Kent invites
her to a Sudoku weekend in Vermont.

- I don't like that.
- Just go.

Uh, excuse me, Shawnee.

I don't know what your problem is,

but I've been underestimated
my entire life.

Failure to thrive at birth... fuck that.

Puberty at 19. When it hit, it
hit like a fucking thunderbolt.

Third grade reading level
in the tenth grade.

Everything that I have been
through in my entire life

has only made me stronger and taller.

Get those fucking
meatballs away from me.

Ma'am, can you
believe the sun is up?

Oh, look at this.

There's my horse, Chicklet.

Aw.

I begged Daddy to get
her for me, and he did.

I remember he said, "Squirrel,
you're an intense little girl,

and now you finally have a friend."

- Aw, he called you "Squirrel."
- Mother up and sold her.

She hated all animals that
she couldn't eat or wear.

Anyway, eventually,

Daddy changed that
stable into his office.

So, how did he die?

Heart attack.

Like father, like daughter.

Boy, I'll tell you, I
remember that night he died

'cause his secretary came banging
on the door at, like, 2:00 AM.

- Oof.
- We don't have to talk about this stuff

- if you don't want to.
- No, it's okay.

I like talking about it, even with you.

Hmm, see? I'm not so bad once you
get to know me after 20 years.

Yeah, exactly.

In 10 years, we'll be
taking vacations together.

Go on!

- I'd go to Sandals.
- I hope the book's done by then.

Well, the book better
be done in 10 years

or I'll be broke as a...

What's going on here?

You guys having a party...
party by the fire?

- Yes!
- Oh, can I join?

- Sure!
- Oh.

- We're so glad you're here.
- Aw.

- I need breakfast.
- Okay.

- Oh, can you help me up?
- Sure.

Here, okay. I'll... I'll
get you from the back.

- Get off of me!
- Right.

So, what do you want
for breakfast, Mike?

I usually have an
eight-egg white omelet.

- And do you have sausage patties?
- What is this, Yonkers?

- Just go and get sausage patties.
- Right, sure.

- Do you wanna see my yearbook?
- Yeah!

- Oh, yeah.
- High school years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Are you guys, like, besties now?
- I don't know.

She hasn't yelled at
me in, like, 24 hours.

- It's weird.
- It is weird.

Hey, did you get me out
of the Gerry Ford ghetto?

I did. You're bowing
next to President Lu.

- Good.
- Can I see?

Yeah, sure, sure.

- Morning!
- Morning.

- Hey!
- You guys had a slumber party.

Yeah! So, listen, we're
about to get breakfast

- and Gary's gonna go...
- Look at this.

and get something
called sausage patties.

Oh, my God!

Look at the guy. He's like...

We still don't eat meat,
Mom, and we're on our way out.

- In your pajamas?
- It's athleisure-wear, ma'am.

- Okay, that's not a word, Marjorie.
- That's disgusting!

- Close it.
- All right, well,

I don't even know why
I try with those two.

- Honestly.
- Hey, ma'am,

before we get back to work,
would you mind writing

a letter of recommendation
to the Harper Day School?

We're just trying to get Ellen in
there, and it'd be really good.

- Wait, who?
- My oldest daughter.

- Oh, that Chinese one?
- Sure.

You write it, I'll sign it.

- Really?
- Sure!

Thank you so much, ma'am. Thank you.

- Look at this.
- Oh, my gosh.

Did you ever go through
an awkward phase?

No!

Wow, I can't believe
I'm gonna be a father!

A lot of responsibility.

You just signed away
all responsibility.

I've never done this before.

You just go in the room and...

Uh, I've never shook the devil's hand.

- Oh!
- You mean masturbate?

Oh, self-husband.

- Does it hurt?
- Oh, no, Richard.

- It doesn't hurt. Wait, really?
- No, but how is that possible?

Well, my family in Iowa
was pretty religious.

Grandma Splett always said
that self-pleasure was a sin

like microwaves or laughter.

Do you need a minute or...?

No. Worse comes to worst, I'll
burn in hell like Grandma Splett.

You know what? He has
a really good heart.

I'm sorry, I'm still understanding
how the cup comes into play.

Oh, you... you just have to aim

and... and what...

How many of these do I need to fill up?

Yeah, no, you just have to do one.

Just one? Okay. I think
that'll be easier.

How will I know when I'm done?

You know, I'll figure it out.
I'll probably figure it out.

Jonah.

- Hi.
- Hey. Hi.

So, that really happened, huh?

Why didn't you take me
back to your place?

Do you live with your mom?

No. Pfft, no. She wishes.

I live in my office.
DC rents are insane,

and Ben and Kent say I
can't use campaign money.

- Can I use campaign money?
- No, you can't use campaign money.

Okay. Second opinion.

I chose your outfit for the day,

but I'm donating the rest of your suits

to a charity for rescued
circus giraffes.

I'm pretty sure I can take
care of dressing myself.

- Can you?
- Hey, um, do you have time to...

- No.
- Okay.

It's just you look
really good in my robe,

and I thought if you had some time,

maybe I could finger you or something?

No, I have to get going.

- Okay.
- We'll fuck again tonight at 7:30

with less kissing.

Okay. Yeah, no, 7:30 works.

- I'm taking a Pop-Tart.
- Can I ask you a question?

- What?
- Just... this is the first time

that that's happened since the
treatment, since the cancer,

- and I...
- Oh, my God, get to it. What?

Did my missing ball freak you out?

Honestly, it was one less
thing to worry about.

Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Tanz.

- What?
- Ms. Tanz.

Hey, Richard. Five-minute feud truce.

The most amazing thing
just happened to me twice!

Really? Something amazing
just happened to me, too!

- Amy?
- What do you want?

Okay, I had the president's wax figure

relocated next to President Lu.

And what's wrong?

They have her bowing.

Like this.

I know what bowing is.

People are...

What? What?

You know, like, taking advantage of her.

They're fucking her in the ass?

I have to see this.

This girl is, like, 11 years old.
Where are her parents?

Ugh. Obviously, you need me to fix this?

I tried, but it's just...

You're as useless as a
dick at a roller derby.

And then there was this one time

that Daddy got back
from a month in Cuba.

- Cuba?
- Hey, green tea with a hint of rosemary.

Okay, we're right in
the middle of working.

Gary, can I get a Sprite?

Yeah, get him a Sprite.

Anyway, so Daddy never
came home empty-handed.

I have the most amazing
snow globe collection.

- No. Really?
- I haven't even shown you that yet.

- Yeah, you're gonna die. Yeah.
- The board is ready for you.

Oh, the... right.

Oh, I bet you got a great
snow globe from Cuba.

Oh, no. Actually, he brought
me back an ashtray from Cuba.

Good morning. Selina Meyer present.

We will now vote on the next item.

I'm on the board of Biogenzidine.

- What are you voting on?
- These vultures wanna raise the price

- of some new cancer drug.
- Ugh.

Aye.

Please re...

So, your dad was away a lot.

Yeah, and he was away with
his secretary when he died,

so I didn't get a chance
to say good-bye to him.

Mm-hmm.

No, his secretary wasn't with him.

She was the one pounding on the
door the night he died, remember?

- No, I...
- Ma'am?

- Vote number two is up.
- Oh.

- What is it?
- Animal testing.

Aye.

Ma'am, a lot of this stuff

seems kind of weird, doesn't it?

Weird? What are you getting at?

Nothing. I'm... like, some of
these details about your dad

are a little irregular,
like the Cuba trips...

No.

- What?
- all the cash.

Hey, what is your game here?

Because my daddy was a very
good family man, okay?

He was charismatic, he was gregarious,

he was somewhat peculiar, yeah...

but all interesting
people are, okay?!

So, put that in your stupid book!

- Thank you.
- No, we're not gonna have any Sprite.

This isn't a movie theater.

I wonder if it'd be worth
checking in on Uncle George.

We're not gonna talk to Uncle George!

He's a bald, old booze-bag
with a whiskey-stink mustache,

- just like you!
- Ma'am?

- Third vote.
- Nay.

But it's for discounted
prescriptions for the elderly.

Oh. Nay.

I'll just sit here.

I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe.

I'm sorry I
ruined the good vibe.

I've asked you before not to
do that impression, ma'am.

I mean, do I fuck her? The
entire town thinks I am anyway.

You're my mom's favorite couple.

It would be uncharted territory for me.

Sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess.

Digging my way through
the ancient ruins,

hacking my way past the crazy
cobwebs and snakes and shit,

hoping my face doesn't
melt when I open her up.

I'm sure if I saw it, I would...
that would all make sense to me.

- Amy.
- What are you doing here?

- I said I would call you back.
- You also said you'd fix it, Amy.

They put her on a bench talking to FDR.

Zero anal access. How's
that for a new deal?

You know what she's also doing?

They have her gesturing like this.

And people are resting their...

Like, their balls?

Not just the beans. Also, the franks.

That's disgusting.

They will be arrested.

Will they? There's a lot there.

There's a lot there. I got a
lot of pictures to show you.

I don't see any arrests.

- You see any arrests?
- Okay, okay, okay. Jesus.

That is the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

You know, have sex with Jane McCabe,

don't have sex with Jane McCabe,

just do whatever it
takes to keep your job,

because it is, in fact, a job.

Or we could trade places,
and you could be in charge

of a library that doesn't exist

for a president who is
currently more famous

for being a jizz sock for
Times Square tourists

than for serving her country.

Let's go, Gary.

Jane McCabe? Wow!

Respect.

Did I tell you the story

about how your father
made Ethel Merman cry?

Oh, it's true, it's true

'cause he tried to pull her wig off.

He didn't like her Broadway show.

So, I just wanna clarify
some of the details

about the night that
Daddy actually died.

Did Mother have to get the
body flown back here?

What? No. Of course not.

Oh, so, then how... how
did his body get back?

From where? He died in the barn.

No, he was away on business.

No, that's just what we told her
when she was a little girl.

- But you knew that, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Her mother and I didn't
want her to see the body

and poor Barbara.

Barbara Valeski, Daddy's secretary?

Died right on top of her.

What a way to go.

She was built, my God.

Wait, uh, what?

Yeah, she had to go to the
loony bin after that.

Your mother paid for it. She always
referred to it as "the spa."

- What?
- But it wasn't just Barbara,

which is why your mom
converted the barn,

so he wouldn't embarrass
her in seedy motels.

See? That's why Mother sold my horse.

- Okay.
- Write that down.

What? No, no, no, no.

Your dad sold it to get
the IRS off of his back.

- You knew that, right?
- Dad... Daddy sold Chicklet?

Your mother wasn't gonna
bail him out anymore.

You know, she had a great
head for business.

Damn fine lady. Mm.

That's why you didn't get a snow globe.
No business trip.

Oh, I haven't thought of those
snow globes in a million years.

Yeah, we just were
unpacking all of them.

Barbara loved buying you those.

You know, she had no
children of her own,

you know, because your dad was
always taking her to the doctor.

- What a character.
- I gotta... I'm gonna get out of here.

I'm gonna borrow that.

Anytime, Madam President.

Uncle George sounded pretty
sweet on Mee-Maw, huh?

- What?
- Never mind.

It's fun to drive again,
especially drunk.

You know that my daddy taught me
to drive in this car right here?

- Really?
- And once, I hit a deer,

- and Daddy took the blame for it.
- Mmm.

Careful, the ground isn't straight here.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, this is it.

This was Chicklet's old house.

- Wow! See this desk?
- Mm-hmm.

After Daddy died, I would crawl
right underneath here and hide.

Wow.

You know, 'cause I was
so petite and pretty.

- Uh-huh, yeah.
- And lookit here.

I'd take this picture of me and Daddy.

I would just stare at it.

See?

He was a cheater and a liar!

He was a horse thief!

I was stupid little Daddy's girl!

You gotta do this, Mike. Come on.

- Okay.
- God damn him!

- Uh, bad desk!
- No, come on!

You gotta be mad about something!

Pay me! Pay me, bitch!

Yeah, you pay him, you bitch!

Pay me, bitch!

Wait, stop!

This is a pencil holder

that I made for my daddy
when I was at camp.

Okay, okay.

- Oh, yeah!
- This feels good.

- Why do shoes cost so much money?!
- He wasn't so perfect!

He loved them and he was fucking them!

- I wish I had peed first.
- Come on!

- Why do I always wait so long to pee?
- Oh, my God.

I'm a grown man!

I shouldn't eat when I'm full!

Ma'am! Ma'am!

Move!

Ma'am.

Ma'am.

Oh, God!

- Are you all right?
- Sure.

Easy. Oh.

We did a number on this place.

Jesus Christ.

My mom was right and I ignored her,

and I married my fucking father.

We should call the fire department.
I smell smoke.

This is the book.

This is the story of the gifted girl

who triumphed over her
parents' toxic marriage

to become an American icon!

Don't you see? I had no choice
but to go into politics

and be extraordinary and a sex symbol.

And you're gonna write it!

Guys, it's fine.

Mike crashed my car.

He's completely wasted.

I made this at camp.

Look, I made it at camp.

- Ma'am.
- Just leave him.

And finally, an attempt
to break the record

for cooking the world's
largest hamburger

turned into an unhappy meal yesterday

when the 45-foot-wide patty caught fire.

Danny, Jane.

That's Brie Ramachandran
with the world news.

Boy, some scary moments there, I bet.

- Frightening.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, that's all the time we have.

We'll see you in the tomorrow.

- Bye, now.
- Bye.

And we are clear.

- Jane, perfect as always.
- Oh, please.

Hey, so, Danny, before I
have a morning bagel,

I just wanna make sure you
don't wanna fuck that, too.

Page six.

"Jane McCabe's boy toy steps
out with beefy blonde."

What the fuck?

Yeah, I don't think Jane's gonna
like you out with a younger woman.

That's Amy Brookheimer,

and she's way older than Jane.

Hey, Jane, just wanna make
sure you're not mad about this

because we're not actually
fucking, and you know that, right?

Yes, Danny, I know that
we're not actually fucking

because you're not a billionaire

and I don't wanna catch anything.

Okay, well, then maybe
you can call the "Post"

and tell them that these rumors
about us are complete bullshit

'cause this is like Dewey
blows Truman here.

Dan, if I stop being
fuckable, then I am Grandma,

and if I'm Grandma, I will be replaced

by two tits with a degree from
American University over there.

It's you.

You're the one telling people.

Smart and handsome.

All right, the treasury secretary

is meeting with House leadership

about a hard date for the debt ceiling.

Why do we always have
to raise the ceiling?

So you don't scrape your head,
you giant barbecue fork.

You need to get rid of your glasses.
They make you look smart.

- Okay.
- Voters hate that.

Okay, next vote.

HR 2029, it's good,
old-fashioned pork barrel.

Excuse me, don't say pork.
Shawnee's Jewish.

Okay, just refer to
your color-coded chart.

I've become close with
a woman at Kinko's

who makes educational
materials for preschoolers.

Come on, if the other congressmen
see me with a cheat sheet,

they're gonna think I'm a fucking idiot.

You can't unring that bell.

Why can't we just write it
on my hand like we used to?

That worked and I felt
good about myself.

- Take your tie off.
- What? Like, right now?

Okay, guys, will you just give
us eight to 10 minutes or so?

No, you're switching to bow ties.

No, I'm gonna look like
that old popcorn homo.

You'll look like a school teacher
or a small-town grocer...

good, solid New England professions.

Yeah, or like a nation of Islam badass.

Small-town grocers do poll
exceptionally well for probity.

How do small-town child molesters poll?

Oh, and you're voting against HR 2029.

Wait, wait, Jesus, lady,

we're talking about 300
jobs here at least.

Jobs for wetlands duck-fuckers who
are never gonna vote for Jonah.

Being against waste will play statewide,

and even nationally.

- Okay, vote no.
- Vote yes.

If I vote no, can I turn
your drylands into wetlands?

- Ugh, fine.
- Okay, thanks, babe.

- Stop it. Clean this shit up.
- Okay.

Kent, would you mind just
cleaning this shit up?

Just straighten it up a
little bit for me? Thank you.

Well, the female form is
a formidable adversary.

Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.

Ma'am, that's the letter of
recommendation for the Harper Day School.

Yes, indeed, okay.

- Ma'am, do you have a second?
- Sure.

Catherine, Richard, and I have
something important to tell you.

Okay.

I think you're
gonna be really surprised.

- Mom, what happened to your forehead?
- Oh, it's nothing.

Mike and I were at Mee-Maw's last night

and... oh, the stable got
wrecked, by the way.

- What?
- How did the stable get wrecked?

Anyway, you know how I have
been searching forever

for the perfect place for my library,

and all along, it's been
staring at me in my face!

I'm gonna turn Mee-Maw's house

into the Selina Meyer Presidential
Birthplace and Library.

- Just like FDR.
- Yes!

But wasn't Mee-Maw living in
Palm Beach when you were born?

Catherine, I don't know! I was a baby.

Okay, well, Marjorie and I were
planning on moving down there.

I mean, we were gonna
have our family there.

Well, Catherine, is there any
parade that you cannot rain on?

Ma'am, I just got off with Sherman Tanz.

Oh, and?

He is all in for the
Birthplace and Library.

- Ooh, I am so excited that he's excited.
- Yes.

Well, he is asking one favor, though.

Oh, of course he is.

What does Rumpleforeskin want?

Apparently, he is having trouble

getting his son into
the Harper Day School,

so Mr. Tanz would love a
letter of recommendation

from the former President
of the Untied States.

Oh, my God.

Is he joking?

I mean, I can't write

multiple letters of recommendation

to some grammar school.

Mike, give me the letter.

- And... and what is his son's name?
- Prescott.

Prescott. Who does he think
he's trying to kid? Okay.

Anyway, use this letter that Mike wrote.

It's beautifully written,
too, by the way.

Mike, would you mind fixing this all up?

No, no. It'll just take a moment.

It's for the library, though.
You know that, right?

Sure. You want me to take out

that I worked for you
diligently for 20 years?

Diligently? I... I'm not
sure I concur with that.

- Look, are you okay with this?
- Yeah.

She's gonna get into the school anyway.

- She's Asian.
- Sure.

He can't afford private
school to begin with.

That's what I told him.

It's like she doesn't
hear me or even see me.

And anytime she does, all she
cares about is tearing me down,

and it's like she's
trying to ruin everything.

Okay, Catherine,

I know I'm not supposed
to interrupt you,

but do you realize these
are the same complaints

you've had for 15 years?

Yeah, but they're not exactly the same.

I think that things have changed.

Okay, Catherine, sit up.
You're slouching.

And what is that on your sweater?

It's just, like, a woman's
face with sunglasses on.

Let's stop for today.

What's happening
with my wax statue?

Gary and I were able to have you placed

on the replica of the Truman Balcony.

- Oh!
- So, it's very, very high up.

- And safe.
- And you are encased in glass

from the front and the back...

- It's very safe.
- um, all around.

It's very striking and stately.

So, people were trying to
have sex with my statue.

- Yeah.
- Domestic terrorism.

Still, it's better than
standing next to Gerald Ford.

- Oh.
- That's the spirit.

See, when people get near this,

- they just wanna do it.
- Oh, yeah.

Thank God you're not trying
to do me all the time.

Right?

- You all right?
- Dominoes.