Veep (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Episode #5.9 - full transcript

The House will come
to order for a roll call vote

on the matter of who will be the
President of the United States.

Senator William O'Brien from Arizona...

All right, here we go. Alabama
first in the alphabet,

last in every other fucking thing.

I believe it's number
one in easiest state

- to get away with murdering a black guy.
- Come on, come on.

Alabama casts its vote
for President Selina Meyer.

That's my town!

Ooh, bam-a-lama ding dong!

Yeah... oh, Catherine.

Would you please give it
a rest with that camera?

My name is Catherine Meyer.

I've spent my entire
life in the public eye.

While the public will always
remember me as the little girl

who fell off the stage
twice in one evening,

I'm a grown woman now with my
own passions and interests.

One of the biggest things
that ever happened in my life

and my family's life happened
when the House of Representatives

voted to decide the presidency
of the United States

for the first time in 140 years.

Almost two months to the day earlier,

the American people voted for president,

but that night ended in an
historic electoral college tie

between Senator Bill O'Brien and the
sitting president Selina Meyer, my mom.

It meant that the House
of Representatives

needed to vote to break the
tie and choose a president.

My bowling coach used to say a tie
was like kissing your sister.

Yeah, well, this feels like my
sister took a shit on my chest.

In order to tell this story,

I have to go back to where it all began,

the day after the presidential
election was tied.

I do not give my consent
to have my likeness

appear in this or any other film.

The president will see you now.

I set out to
make a film about the tie,

but somewhere along the way,

I ended up discovering
something about myself.

I'm gonna have to have approval over
all of this footage, Catherine, okay?

Okay, we can talk about that after.

When did you first know

that you wanted to be president?

It was 1973.

- Catherine, out.
- I was a very little girl

and Mother wasn't "feeling well."

Daddy asked me to be his date

for President Nixon's inaugural ball.

Daddy did a lot of
business with Bebe Rebozo.

President Nixon entered the room

and, you know, he had his bow tie

and his eyebrows.

Daddy leaned in to me and he said,

"You know, a lot of
people don't like Nixon,

but by God, they respect him.

And that's you, peanut."

- Delaware?
- Come on, come on.

Delaware votes for
President Selina Meyer.

- Oh!
- I don't want to jinx things, guys,

but I think maybe we should
start making our list

of who I'm going to punish when I win.

- Where are you?
- I don't know.

I went home with a congressional
fan girl last night.

I don't have my car. I
think I'm in Maryland.

Well, first of all, sir,
congratulations are in order.

Shh! She's got a fucking parrot,
and if the parrot wakes up,

the parrot's gonna make
noise and wake up her mom.

- Has the vote started yet?
- Yes, Delaware just voted.

Shit. Shit. Okay, you gotta come get me.

Okay, just drop a pin
in Apple Maps and...

I don't know how to drop a fucking pin.

Well, it's a really intuitive feature.

- Do you have iOS 9.2.3?
- Shut up.

Bring me a change of clothes
and come and get me.

The day after the
tie, the stock markets crashed,

but my mom did everything she
could to get them back on track.

This afternoon, I asked Tom James

to do his country the honor of
stepping up to serve as economy czar

and to my absolute delight, he said yes.

Did you ever play sports?

Remember how no one ever
wanted to play catcher?

Playing catcher is kind of
like being the economy czar.

There's not a lot of glory,
but a lot of squatting.

A lot of asses in your face.

Thank you
so much, Senator James.

You're very welcome.

- How's it going?
- It's going very well, thanks.

- And Bob's your uncle.
- Knock, knock, future calling.

Cheese, please, Louise.

Gentlemen, you know the first daughter.

We do.

She's interviewing me
for a college project.

No, it's a doc.

Oh, yeah, like one of those movies
for people who like to be sad.

What do you think
of the electoral tie?

You know, at night when I
dare to close my eyes,

I dream about your mother losing

and then coming upon her
holding a cardboard sign

at the bottom of a highway exit ramp.

Now, if I were Tom
James, I would just try

to get three states to abstain and
then it would go to the Senate,

serving the president the
most abject humiliation

in the history of the United States.

Oh, you know what the
cardboard sign says?

What does it say?

It says, "I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson."

What if you
lose the presidency?

Well, I'll tell you something,

you can't think that way.

That's what Mother always said.

When you have those kinds
of negative feelings,

you just pick them up and
you stuff them in your box

and you close it down tight
and you take that box

and you shove it way
back here in your...

in the corner of your head
and swallow that key.

And then, poof, they're gone.

And then that's it. And
it works, too, sweetie.

That's something that
Mother told me that works.

Okay, you pour the hot water
into the pot, all right?

Swirl it around a bit.

And then you pour it out, okay?

That's called hot in the pot.

Now this is a special blend I've got.

It's got chamomile and rose hips

and some other little
special ingredients

that I'm not gonna tell you on camera.

Um, my question was

what's your take on
the financial crisis.


I just think they ran out of money.

They should probably just print more.

I don't know why it's
been such a big issue.

Okay, guys, when are we gonna
fire Mike, by the way?

Because it is seriously just one
fuckup after fuckup with him.

Yeah, right after the inauguration,

we'll show Mr. McShittock the door.



I love my job.

Oh, my God, I want to do it forever.

Especially because this
is the kind of job

that I've gotten better at every year.

And it's also the kind of job

that you need to be fast on your feet.

You need to be quick and
you need to sort of,

uh, I don't even know what the word is.

We're in the process of
converting the guest bedroom

into a nursery for our
arriving Chinese angel.

And Ta-da! We went with a
Winnie the Pooh knockoff.

It's made in China so Ellen
will feel right at home.

I think he's called Happy Sun Bear.

So much cheaper. And we've
checked the room for lead,

so there's... actually, I need...
I'm supposed to check...

I have to get a guy to check the room
for lead, but we will check for lead.

In mid-November,
my mom's team

challenged the vote totals in Nevada,

which meant the tie might
not be a tie any longer.

- I've changed my mind.
- About what?

Send me to Nevada. I want the job.

Oh, but so does Candi Caruso.

And even though, and I quote,

the fact that I'm a woman means we will
no longer have any women presidents

because we've already tried
one and she fucking sucked.

Please, please, please.

Well, I'll give you this...

Candi Caruso would not
eat this amount of shit.

Unless afterward she went
into a bathroom stall

and used the old
two-fingered wood chipper.

Why would I want to stand next to a twig

like that all day when I
can stand next to you?

What would
you do if you lost?

You keep harping on this.

But I'll tell you something,
I have lost elections.

I lost the first time
that I ran for Congress.

They called me Selina Vanderbilt

as if the Vanderbilts
had any money left.

Anyway, after that, you know,
I went to Arizona to a spa

and I took stock

and I asked myself some
tough questions...

Wait, is that when you had
your nervous breakdown?

No, no, I did not... no, I
went to a spa, sweetie.

No, when Rosa had to take care of me

because you went to a mental hospital.

No, darling, I didn't go
to a mental hospital.

I went to a spa.

Is this how this is all
going to be in your movie?

votes for Selina Meyer.

- 11-10, O'Brien.
- I just talked to Furlong.

He said everything's under
control plus a bunch of stuff

about assholes and jizz
and my pretty mouth.

Richard, where is Jonah?

- Morning!
- Shut the fuck up, Richard.

Well, you can't scream
that in this neighborhood.

I couldn't find my clothes. I had to
get this out of her dad's closet.

She already told me she was
a senior at Georgetown.

Turns out she meant
Georgetown Day School.

- Oh.
- She's on the math team.

- Are you filming me?
- Might be a crime.

Oh, yeah, Catherine asked me to help
assist her with documenting the vote.

Plus she taught me how to
make sure the camera is on.

Oh, okay, good, well, then
on this historic day...

- Also, the president's on the line.
- Oh, motherfuck.

- Jonah, can you hear me?
- Yes, ma'am.

You listen to me, all right?
You are already dead.

What you do now you do for your family.

You get yourself in there
and you vote for me!

Is my entire presidency about to have its
neck snapped by Congressman Lennie here?

Call all friendlies. Let's
slow this thing down.

The great state of Michigan

would like to cast its vote.

But first, let us pray.

My mom lost
the Nevada recount,

but that was overshadowed
by some terrible news.

My dear mee-maw died.

This is the Oval Office.

Wow, three generations
of Meyer women.

It's like the best episode
of "Falcon Crest" ever.

Mother, this right here

is the Resolute desk.

And it was used by FDR

and now by me, Mother, your daughter.

I do hope you'll wait
till your hair grows

to have your portrait painted.

This has been fun.

- She looks like a boy.
- Okay.

It doesn't seem that deep. Look.

Oh, yeah, that's not that deep.

Excuse me, should this be deeper?

Have you ever
lost a grandparent?

All my grandparents are dead.

Wait. Um, no.

One or two might still be alive.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Good to be back in good old DC,

away from the greed, the
money, and the hookers.

Listen, um..., if you're not
doing anything later...

Jesus fucking Christ. You got to
tell your sister to stop calling me.

Hmm. Hey, girl.

So now as a person in politics under 40,

you just... wait, cut.

Actually, I'm the one
that's supposed to say cut.

No, no, no, I'm saying it because
we're starting that over.

Ready? Action.

As a person in politics who's younger
than most of her... cut, cut.

- No, Amy, please don't actually say...
- Action.

We were really disappointed about
the Chinese adoption sanctions.

That... but on the bright side,

I turned the nursery
into a man cave for me.

I mean, surround sound,
55-inch television screen.

It actually cost the same as
the kid, so it works out.

I can't wait for Wendy to see it.
She is gonna...

possibly like it.

Do you like
working at the White House?

I do, yes.

Have you enjoyed working
for the president?


- Were you ever frightened for your life?
- No.

Are you really ready to take
a bullet for the president?


- Have you ever killed a man?
- Can't say.

Do you think my mom's a good president?

- Yes.
- That was perfect.

Everybody else that
I've interviewed just

talks about themselves
all the time and...

Um, would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?

Oh, yeah, I... I would love that.

I should say that... you
know that I'm not gay?

- Really?
- Yeah. Well, I...

- I didn't mean that to come across...
- No, it didn't.

You know, it's just I
assumed just because,

you know, the way you
dress and stare at me.

Well, I mean, I like guys.

The Thanksgiving death
of Congressman Harry Sherman

put the key state of New Hampshire
back in play for the House vote.

I followed candidate Jonah Ryan as
he campaigned in his home state.

How am I doing? Eating so much
pussy I'm shitting clit, son.

- Hey!
- What?

This is an elementary school!

Watch your spewing mouth, you animal!

Hey, you are gonna pay for that.

- That is assault.
- Out. Out.

That is assault. You are witnesses.

- This is assault!
- Right now, get out.

Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan.

Ah, fuck.

Mothercunt. Piece of shit.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Ah, fuck.

Careful. Careful. Careful.

I think the problem is that
you lack upper body strength.


Why am I even chopping the fucking wood?

It's the 21st century.

We don't even use this shit anymore.

Worked fine.

Ah, and I grew up right here

in the awesome state of New Hampshire.

I hitched my wagon to a
shooting star named Jonah Ryan.

Well, maybe I should say comet

because shooting stars burn
out and he never will.

The only downside is that
I'll probably have to miss

my Gilbert & Sullivan
Society annual show.

You know, operetta is my passion.

♪ If you want to know who we are ♪

♪ We are gentlemen of Japan... ♪

...home to Motown,

aka Hitsville USA,

would like to cast its vote

for President Selina...

Catherine Meyer.

Michigan votes for Selina Meyer.

- Jesus, Richard, please drive faster.
- Minnesota?

- If you held the camera...
- I'm not gonna hold the camera, Richard.

How would I be on the camera...

Jesus Christ, Richard! You
could have killed me.

Can't you do two simple things at once?

I just thank God I didn't
hit those schoolchildren.

Who gives a fuck about them? Go! Go!

Well, actually, the car won't start.

- Maybe call an Uber.
- We can't call an Uber.

I've been banned for life
because I have a low rating.

Missouri abstains from the vote.

- Missouri abstained?
- Abstained?

This is Tom and he's making a move

like some kind of grand
fucking chess master.


Stalemate his endgame. Shades
of Karpov versus Kasparov.

- Oh, who's that for, Kent?
- Guys, Missouri's gonna abstain.

Tom just needs to make sure
that no one gets to 26

and then get his buddy Marwood to
make sure there's not another vote.

- That's it.
- Where is Jonah, folks?

Motherfucker! They're taking a Lyft now?

- Time to wake up.
- Stop.

You big lesbo.

And what's it to you? I
think it's time to wake up.

Suddenly everything
in my life made sense.

Actually, I got a question for you.

Is it weird going hallway to hallway

- with your mom's twin?
- What?

To... never mind.

Do you think about what
you'll do if my mother doesn't win?

God, I have no idea.
What else am I gonna do?

Go out and see the world?

I don't even like looking
out my window, so...

I really... I don't know.

Ben, you home.

It's the spouse.

Hey, sweetie. Hi.

Um, Joyce, this is the
president's daughter Catherine.

Catherine, this is my wife Joyce.

- Nice to meet you.
- What a surprise.

I thought you and the kids
were on vacation this week.

Yeah, that was last month.

Joyce, she took care of me
after my third heart attack.

My second wife was a nurse as well.

I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh?

Yeah, but I his best nurse.

These Precious Moments figurines
are a very good investment.

Would you care for a drink?

Hi, yeah, I'm trying to
reach Charlie Baird.

This is a friend of his, Gary Walsh.

Oh, what's the... what
is this concerning?

Um, hanging out?




These are my compatriots.

We are a historically
Spanish-speaking motorcycle club

which has been under a great deal
of unfair legal scrutiny lately.

This is our president, El Cabeza.

Hola, chica. ¿Cómo estás?



I find that my
involvement in the club

keeps the internecine skirmishes

of Washington in perspective.


- Hey, how far out are you?
- We're at security.

Get the Hunchback of Notre
Hampshire down to the floor.

Well, we've reached a
little bit of a kerfuffle.

I'd say even more of a kerfuffle.

Like a snafu approaching quagmire.

Jonah Ryan. Just Google me. Google me.

- Come on, fucking Google me.
- Calm down, sir.

Jesus Christ.

- Hey!
- No!

We're hanging on by a thread,
but if everyone votes

the way we think they're
gonna vote, we'll win.

Yeah, that's the least
reassuring sentence

I've heard since "It's
okay, it's just the tip."

It's looking tighter
than Will's own butthole

when he's got his finger jammed up there

watching "Bad News Bears"
while he jerks off.

- How tight is that, Will?
- It's very tight, sir.

Yeah, but I wouldn't take
down the tampon dispenser

in the Oval Office bathroom just yet.

How will you
feel if my mom loses?

If your mom loses? I'll miss her.

She's a pretty classy lady.

She's the only person in this
town who really gets me.

Oh, so I will see you tomorrow night.

- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.

As the vote got closer,

the tension in the White House
ratcheted up even further.



So what the fuck is Tom up to?

Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.


I was just checking to see if there
was another meeting about me.

Not today.


Guys, Mike is a moron. Jesus Christ!

I can't wait until
after the inauguration.


I'm sure he's an inspiration
to other slow adults,

but it's enough already with Mike.

I'll start lining up interviews.

Since the surrogate's pregnant,

we've converted the man
cave back into a baby cave.

And this thing here was
already hard mounted.

It's pretty solid, so I think I'm
just gonna leave it here, you know?

That way, we can play
educational stuff for the baby.

You know, Barney, nature
films, nothing harmful.

Oh, God, check for lead. Note to self.

So what's up
with all the hockey stuff?

Let's go in here. We can
talk privately in here, Tom.


I've been waiting for
this for a very long time.

- Okay, how stupid are you,
you motherfucking snake?


- All right, I wanted to fuck you!
- That's right!

And now you're trying to
fuck me again tonight.

No, I am fucking you tonight!

No, I'm gonna fuck you!

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, please.

Have you thought about
what you'll do if my mother loses?

We'll be fine.


Yeah, hi. It's this
couch right here, yeah.

I mean, whether we're in the White House

or we're antiquing in Charleston

or we're on the pink,
sandy beaches of Barbuda,

you know, it's like we'll be fine.

- Where do you want this?
- Just not here.

We haven't even been to Italy.

My father was a navy guy,

so we travelled the world quite a bit.

I am very excited to
be secretary of state.

What about
Congressman Graves?

I thought that he was doing it.



did I tell you I have a
photograph of my father?

- New Hampshire?
- Where is he?

The state of New Hampshire
begs the floor's indulgence.

We are still missing a
member of our delegation.

I thought that you
said he was at security.

He was.

He's 18 feet tall. How could
he have gone missing?

- Jesus. Catherine, move.
- Ow!

Oh, other exit.

Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, you want it open? Sorry.
Okay, I got it.


- I'm so excited.

- Oh!
- She's here? Oh.


- Hi, Mom.
- Welcome home. Oh!

- Catherine, this is my mom, my dad.
- Hi.

- Hi. Hi.
- Grandma. Grandpa.

This is Catherine Meyer,
my, uh, work friend.


Welcome to Montana.

We had a fight.

I trust the American people
to make the right decision.

What if you think they're
gonna make a certain decision

and they make a different decision
and then it completely derails

what you thought was gonna happen?

- And then your plans are different.
- Oh, honey, don't cry.

Mommy's gonna get elected, honey.

Marjorie and I broke up.

Oh. Oh.

That's terrible.

- Do you need a tissue?
- No, I'm fine.

Yeah, no, you do.

Honey. Oh, you look terrible!

You look terrible.


Honey, let me tell you something.

Marjorie is insufferable, okay?

There are other... there are other
fish in the sapphic sea, babe.

I mean, seriously, there are more
lesbians in the Secret Service, even.

- You feel better?
- Yeah, a little bit.

Good girl. Good. Okay, let's get back.

Legacy is not something that
I can be concerned with.

I'm laser-focused

on doing the best possible job I can... president... Catherine.

Not everybody gets to
just walk into the Oval.

Madam President.

- Wayne! Hey!
- Hey.

What the what? What, are
you doing an interview?

Yeah, he is.

- Well, completely slipped my mind.
- Okay.

Ma'am, here are the talking
points for this afternoon.

Oh, no. Sorry.

Wrong ones. I'll be back.

- See you at poker on Wednesday.
- Right.

So you see what I'm dealing with here.

So you didn't tell him that
I'm taking his job yet?

No, that'll be your first press release.

Now that there will be
three babies on the way,

we decided to move the kiddos
upstairs to the master

and this will be the new love palace.

She gets the dresser and I'll hang those

in the... I don't know where.

The lead, still a problem.

Raise your right hand, please.

- I do solemnly swear...
- I do solemnly swear...

...that I will support and defend the
Constitution of the United States...

...that I will support and defend the
Constitution of the United States...

Vermont abstains from the vote.

Oh, God.

That's three abstentions.
Sorry, ma'am.


Wait, though, isn't there
anything that we can do?

No, you'd have to run
the table now to win.

There's no way you can get to 26.

- But what if we get Virginia?
- You're not gonna get Virginia.

- What if we get West Virginia?
- You're not gonna get anything.

Can we give them farm subsidies?

Can we...

You can't win, ma'am. You're
not gonna be president.

- Virginia votes for Bill O'Brien.
- Ma'am?

Virginia votes
for Bill O'Brien.

- Oh, Christ. O'Brien's only got 22.
- Yeah.

I mean, I don't think
even he can get to 26.

Looks like we're looking down the
barrel of a Tom James presidency.

Could you explain to me one more
time how this whole thing works?

Why is Tom...

I'm really sorry, Mom.

Hey, don't worry, ma'am.

You can run again in
four years, you know?

Not if Tom James is president, I can't.

...Washington votes
for Bill O'Brien.

votes for Bill O'Brien.

- All right, everybody clear out.
- Okay.

- Clear out!
- Let's go.

Except you, Amy.

Oh, God, come on, come on.

Okay, look.

Get that clowntard Jonah
on the phone right now.

What if we tell him to vote for O'Brien?

Ma'am, you can't do that.
He is the opposition...

It is the only fucking
thing that I can do, Amy.


If O'Brien wins the presidency, I
can run against him in four years.

But if Tom James wins,

he's gonna be president for the
next eight years, Amy. Eight!

- 12, ma'am.
- Huh?

Tom's first term won't count

because technically he'll be
an elevated vice president.

But I sound like Kent, so...

My God, in 12 years,

I'm gonna be a shriveled-up can of ass.

Seriously, I can't... I
mean, my political window

just slams shut the second I
can't wear sleeveless dresses.

Call Jonah right now and tell
him to vote for O'Brien.

Oh, excuse me. Where
is the House Chamber?

The House Chamber is that way.

No, it's not. We just...

we just fucking came from there!

No, it's not...

God damn it.

You better be right.

They're gonna close the vote.

- O'Brien 25.
- He's one away.

Please, God, deliver Jonah to Congress

and then give him any kind of cancer.
I don't care.

- There he is.
- Catherine.

- Marjorie? I don't want to talk to you.
- I'm sorry, okay?

I told my parents about us.

- New Hampshire...
- They took it hard, but I don't care.

- I love you.
- ...proudly casts its vote

- for President Selina Meyer.
- I love you, too.

New Hampshire
votes for Selina Meyer.

The vote is hereby closed.

That's O'Brien 25, Meyer 22.

With three abstentions,
no candidate has received

the constitutionally required 26 votes.

This House is adjourned.

I'm sorry, I would like
to change my vote.

I voted for the wrong person.

I would like to change
my vote, thank you.

Where is everyone going?

The gentleman from New Hampshire

puts forth onto the floor
a do-over, thank you.

We have just witnessed
a historic no decision

in the House of Representatives.

Okay, we got to
get a statement out.

The Senate will now choose between
Senators Tom James and Laura Montez.

- Oh, hey, Marjorie.
- Hello, ma'am.

If I lose, I lose.

Teddy Roosevelt lost. John Adams lost.

Winston Churchill lost.

So plenty of presidents have lost

and gone on to do great, great things.

Are we done, sweetie?

- I can't fucking lose this thing.
- You won't. You won't.

We are now entering the Red Room,

which originally was
the yellow drawing...

Madam President, I am so sorry.

- We're just coming through.
- Oh, no, it's fine.

Everybody come on in. Come on in.

Welcome, welcome.

Welcome. Hello.

Look at you. I think you're from Kansas.

- I can see it...
- I am. I voted for you twice.

This year and back when you ran
for president the first time.

Oh, you're clutching your bag
like I'm gonna steal it.

- Oh, no!
- No.

- Would you like to take a picture?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. She knows what she wants.

- Did we get it?
- Yeah.

Okay, great. Thank you.

- I love you.
- Oh.



- Thank you.
- Whoo-hoo!


Thank you.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Who else would like a photo?

Some say a tie is
like kissing your sister.

But it took an electoral college tie

for me to get to kiss the
sister I never knew I had.

I'm just gonna
ask you what you think

of a few people in my
mother's administration.

It's a great opportunity. Thank you.

What do you think of Amy Brookheimer?

She likes to hear herself talk.

- Tense.
- Shrill.

- Shrill.
- Shrill.

- Shrill.
- Did they say shrill?

- How would you describe Gary Walsh?
- A kind person.

- Truck stop glory hole.
- Can do a handstand still.

- What do you think of Dan Egan?
- Douchebag.

- The other side of the glory hole.
- He's fine.

Mike is an idiot. It's amazing
he got a driver's license.

One of the most extraordinarily incoherent
people I've ever met in my life.

Sometimes, like, in a futuristic...
like a sci-fi movie,

you'll see, like, a robot that's
like the old version of the robot

- and you kind of feel bad.
- How about Jonah?

Jonah Ryan is the congressman that
the people of New Hampshire deserve.

Do you think you had a crowning
achievement as vice president?

Well, I became president.

- Can we call that an achievement?
- Did you vote for Mom?

If I would have voted, it would have
certainly been for your mother.

Where do you see yourself in 20 years?

- White House.
- I'd say the Galapagos Islands.

Just be president.

I have it penciled in 2036.
Gonna go there.

- Just the seat of power.
- I bought two tickets.

I don't know who the other is gonna be,

but I'm assuming by then
I'll be coupled up.

Everyone saying, "Mr. President,
this is the most important bill

- that has ever been signed into law."
- I like to be close to the sun.

I haven't thought that far ahead.

I'm so focused on the present.

Let me ask you a question.

What's the best lesbian porn site?