Veep (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Mother - full transcript

And to the American
people who supported me

with a majority of the popular vote,

I promise you, this amazing
clean energy joint venture...

You know, Wendy and I have
been meeting with surrogates.

She is so excited about my sperm
being in another woman. It's weird.

For the winds of economic change...

they are a-blowing.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Madam President.
- Thank you very much.

Why is my hair all spinning around

and these things, like
you, are doing nothin'?

Apparently they shut the turbines off
if the wind speeds are too high.

Is it too late to turn
them into oil derricks?

Ma'am, I just got some really sad news.

- Your mother's in the hospital.
- What?

- It looks like a stroke.
- Again?

We can 86 the meet-and-greet
with the engineers.

- That's... that's no problem.
- Why?

Because you need to rush
to your mother's bedside.

- Yeah.
- All right. Okay. I'm...

I hope Mee-Maw's okay.

She's been at death's
door like five times,

It's true.

She's like that guy... that guy...

- Lazarus.
- Rasputin.

She seemed sweet when she
visited the White House.

Really? Let me tell you something.

After I lost my first
election for state senate,

Mother says to me, "Well,
it's not your fault."

It's just your toothy smile."

Oh, my God. I love your smile.

That's not the point. - Looks
weirder if you don't show your teeth.

I just cannot believe
that has is happened

in the middle of all of this.

I know. I know. I'll tell you,
when my mom got ovarian cancer...

Oh, call Kent.


And that is why we have to stop

this reckless meddling in
the electoral process.

Stick to the legal deadline

and certify the count as it stands.

Thank you, Your Honors.

May it please the court,

there are many things that
we could all stand here

and debate for hours on end.

Is the sky blue? Is water wet?

But isn't it far worse to
adhere to an arbitrary deadline

rather than counting every valid vote?

Jesus, an electoral protest?

Wait a second, that's the O'Brien
nimrod from the recount table.

A fake protest. That is classic O'Brien.

It's such a scumbag move.

...ho, ho, this endless
recount's got to go.

Hey, hey, ho, ho...

Yep, I'll raid petty cash.


Ma'am, you have to see
this dumb O'Brien tweet.

"Another day wasting taxpayer dollars.

Meyer plus windmills
cost money, do nothing."

Well, that's on you, isn't it?

See if you can spin something
right today, okay?

- God.
- Ma'am, Amy's calling.

Ame, hi. What's going on?

Ma'am, I'm so, so sorry.

- What? What happened?
- What?

Your mother. I read on HuffPo
that she was in the hospital.

Amy, I thought you were
talking about the recount.

Don't ever, ever scare
me like that again.

- I'm sorry.
- Just do whatever it takes

to get these ballots counted, okay?

My mother's gonna be fine. I gotta go.

- God, we just...
- Okay.

Oh, wow. Everyone's here.

This is your temporary mobile oval.

I'm sorry, is there a kettle
or clothing steamer in here?

- No.
- Okay, this is gonna be quite the day.

So where's my mother?

- She's down the hall to the right.
- Okay.

- And Andrew's here.
- What?

- What?
- At Catherine's request.

But I made sure he had nowhere to sit.

You are good people, Sue.


Wow, hi. You got here quick.

Catherine called me. You were away.

Yeah, serving the country.

- I'm sorry about your mother.
- Thank you.

Oh, this is Monica.

A pleasure to meet you, Madam President.

My thoughts are so with you right now.

Thank you so much.

- You brought a date.
- I don't know her.

Monica and I are seeing one another.
She's part of my life.

She writes books on homemaking.

- Blogs about entertaining.
- I do know her.

She does some of the
local morning shows.

- WBAL has her on during the holidays.
- Oh, my God.

Okay, sweetie, the president does not
want to hear my resume right now.

She's a smart one. You can maybe
pick up something from her.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I just want to say my wife is obsessed
with your spiced eggnog..

- We drink it year-round.
- It makes a really yummy ice cream.

- Shut up.
- Yeah.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Mom.

Oh, Catherine, this is my...

- Hey, Cat.
- Thank you so much for coming.

You two know each other?

We've all been hanging out a bunch.

Yeah, Monnie gave me this sweater.

No, I definitely didn't
give you that sweater.

- Not that color.
- No, I didn't.

I'm sorry, I think she's
talking about me.

She calls me "Monnie."
Sounds like "mommy."

Well, okay.

- I can't take this music, okay?
- Yeah, please.

I mean, the campaign's over. I don't have
to pretend to like country music anymore.

This is Tim McGraw. It's
Mee-Maw's favorite song.

What? No. Mee-Maw's favorite song

is whatever is playing in the
background at Neiman Marcus.

Please turn it off, okay?

Mom, you should say hi to her.

Honey, if I wanted to talk
to an unconscious person,

I'd book myself on Charlie Rose.

What happened to her nails?

Looks like she's been diggin'
for potatoes or something.

Why are you even worried
about her hands right now?

That is so not important.

- Catherine, Mother loves her hands.
- Yeah.

She always wore dishwashing
gloves when she gave me my bath.

Which is why I don't do dishes.

I just now realized that.

Hello, Madam President.

I'm Dr. Mirpuri.

- Dr. Mir...
- Mirpuri.

"Mir-piri." Okay. How is she doing?

I'm afraid it's quite dire.

All brain function has ceased.

So she's not gonna bounce back?

I'm afraid she'll need
to stay on life support

until she expires.

Did you still want to do her nails?

- Oh, yes, I do.
- Okay.


No, we're not hiring that woman.

It was just a cold sore, honey.

I don't want to pay 40
grand for a herpes baby.

- Oh, hey, Debralee?
- Yes, hi.

Mike, yes. Nice to meet you.

Wendy. - Debralee. Hi,
Wendy. So nice to meet you.

- You want anything?
- I'm good. Thank you, though.

I just had a kombucha on my way over.

- Okay, so I'll just dive on in...
- That'd be great.

And give you guys a
little background on me.

You already know I've carried
three babies to term.

Keep everything organic.
I exercise every day.

I don't drink or smoke and I never have.

That's amazing.

I mean, that's exactly
what we're looking for.

Praise Jesus.

Are y'all Christians?

Yes... yes.

I mean, a lot of people think
that I'm Jewish, but that... no.

What church y'all go to?

- Our Lady...
- Of the Holy Womb...

- ...of the Holy Womb.
- ...Womb of Jesus.

It's a small congregation,
but it's fierce.

It's holy.

Okay, Emily's working on her nails now.

- Good. Dark?
- Excuse me, Madam President.

Your mother was a bit vague on the DNR.

- Okay.
- So it will come down to you.

- Praying for a miracle.
- Please don't.



Well, Dr. McCurry...

- Mirpuri.
- Yes, that's what I said.

So what does that entail, you
know, the pulling of the plug?

There's not really a plug.

What we're talking about requires
removing the ventilator tube.

And then as her organs begin to fail...

Okay, I'm gonna have to sit
down for just a minute,

if that's all right.

We would be tracking her vitals...

It's okay, Catherine. It's okay.

Oh, wow, that is loud, honey.

That's loud.

Oh, "Stephen Hawking" here is
indisposed, so I'll just...

- Marjorie, can you help me with this?
- Yes, ma'am.

I just want to assure
you, Madam President,

we would do everything in
our power to ensure...

Yeah, just a sec. Something's
pressing here. Kent!

- I'm sorry, didn't mean to intrude.
- No, no, no.

I chose a parabolic path
deliberately out of earshot.

It's fine.

What's up?

I just needed to get a break from
the Hindu Grim Reaper out there.

I don't know if this
provides any solace,

but ever since your mother's
health setback was announced,

there has been an
outpouring of support...

...that has driven up your favorables.

I'm talking about pulling
the plug on my mother here.

How is half a percentage
point in the polls

supposed to sweeten that shit biscuit?

- More like double digits.
- Really?

But just out of curiosity,

if I were to, you know...

would that end?

There is a possibility
of a shorter-lived,

but numerically greater outpouring...

if you will, a "death bump."

- Really?
- Really.

Well, that is some wild and heavy stuff.


Yeah. I got some real
soul-searching to do.

Now, I have been in
Washington a long time

and I thought I had seen everything,

but the insensitivity
shown by Senator O'Brien

clearly demonstrates that this man does
not possess the judgment and dignity...

True statesman right there.

Okay, so now what I need
is a quiet place to think

that doesn't have Mike's
stupid face in it.

I can turn around, ma'am.

There's a chapel on the fourth floor.

We can make sure it's
cleared out for you.

Okay, yeah.

- Ma'am?
- What?

Those we have loved cannot be lost

because they are always a part of us.

Thank you, Ben, and whoever
wrote those words.

- Look what I found.
- Too late.

- Of course.
- I recognize those words.

They were in the card your wife sent
me when my cat Fibonacci passed.

I found them soothing.

Hey, hey, ho, ho.

This endless recount's got to go.

- God, that's a great chant.
- Just catchy.

Jesus, lose the fucking badge, man.

Jesus Christ. All
right, show me the art.

Okay, we got "Count Totes the Votes."

What is that? What's "totes"?

Totes, like all. Count all the votes.

You guys have one job to do,
that is to rally the crowd

with your pro-POTUS signs and get
your camera-unfriendly faces on TV.

Yes. - You can't put a
Jonah Ryan on TV like that.

18 to 34-year-old women are
gonna be distracted by that.

The only thing that women
18-34 are gonna do

when they see you on camera
is file a restraining order.

So make some fuckin' noise, dummies.

What the fuck are you smiling at?

I'm just happy to be here.


What do we want? To get
the votes counted.

When do we want it? Hopefully
before the deadline.


- Do you pray?
- A lot.

What do you pray for?

You, you know...

Do you want... you maybe want to try it?


You know, what the hell?
We're here, right?

- Okay, all right.
- Yeah.


God, I...

I... I just... I'm...

"O Lord God, it's me, Selina."

O Lord God. It's me, Selina...

Grant me wisdom and strength.

Give us Your comforting presence...
I've got it now.

- I've got it.
- Okay, yep.

Lord God, please ease my
mother's pain and suffering.

Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord.

Ease her passing. Ease it all.

- Yes.
- Ease it down the...


Lord, let her daughter,
Thy humble servant,

be the first woman elected
President of the United States.

Please, this is so much to bear.

Oh, it is, Lord. It is.

- Hear my prayer.
- Hear her prayer.

- Lift me up.
- Lift her up, Lord.

No, I mean actually lift me up 'cause
my heel is stuck in this thing.

Yeah, I got it.

Okay, just so you know,

after the ventilator is removed,

there might be some coughing.

It's reflexive. It's not
a sign that she's aware

- or suffering in any way.
- Okay.

Okay, why don't I give you
a moment to say goodbye?

Oh, you mean now? What...

Well, that's much better.

Well, Mother...

I just want you to...

those you loved cannot be lost

because they are always a part of you.



- Ma'am?
- Yeah?

Sorry, it can wait till later.

- No, no, come in.
- You sure?

Yeah, come in.

Yeah, Doctor Mir...? Can... yeah.

Okay, Nicole, you can
go ahead and begin.

Ma'am, I don't really think
we should be here for this.

No, no, you've got to stay.
You're gonna stay.

Okay, she's just gonna
remove the ventilator.



So in your experience,

how long does this sort
of thing carry on?

- Usually minutes.
- Okay.

I have seen hours.

Days are very rare.

Oh, well, that's not gonna work

because for me with
my schedule and life.

Jesus Christ.

Turn that off!

Okay, no...

She's gone, Madam President.

- Yeah, okay.
- My condolences.

- Can I just have a moment?
- Yes, of course. Absolutely.

Well, why don't you check your phones?

Sounds like you shoplifted
a bunch of vibrators.

The Nevada State Supreme Court

issued a temporary
stay of certification.

The count will continue.

- Oh, my prayer worked, right?!
- Maybe.

Wow, you wanted help
from above, here it is.

Yeah. It's fantastic.

Mom? What's going on? What's
everyone cheering about?

- Is Mee-Maw better?
- Catherine.

I thought you were here.

No, I went to get coffee.

I asked if you wanted anything.

No, I didn't hear you say that.

She's gone?

You pulled the plug without me?

It wasn't a plug. It was a
ventilator tube that they just...

Oh, darling.

Oh, honey, no, no, no, no.

Mee-Maw didn't know you
weren't here, honey.

She's brain dead.

Baby doll, she was brain dead.

We got good news

about Nevada.

Wait, what?

We got good news from Nevada.


- I'm gonna step outside.
- Okay.


Mother would never let
me use the good piano.

I always had to take my lessons
on the shitty upright in the den.

Oh, you know what?

That would be a good
story for the eulogy.

Mom, why would you want to paint
Mee-Maw in such a negative light?

Oh, Catherine, Thomas fucking Kinkade

couldn't paint Mee-Maw
in a positive light.

Oh, my God.

You never knew Daddy.

He was so sweet. Mee-Maw
blamed me for his death.


I think that's probably
your interpretation of it.

Oh, Catherine, you have no idea

what it was like to be the only daughter

of a pathological narcissist.

I mean, all this woman did was
criticize me or ignore me.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Okay, 'night.

Ma'am, your mother's attorney
George Huntzinger is here.

Okay. Uncle George.


Or should I say Madam President?

Oh, my goodness.

I'm so happy to see you.

You know what? You were
always my favorite

of all of Mother's lawyers.

- You're too kind.
- No, it's true.

So we need to get you the keys

to Mother's summer house
for the appraisers.

Right over here? Yeah.

She was the most darling woman.

Yes, she certainly was in a sense, yeah.

- Here's the key, sir.
- There we go.

Ma'am, we really need to
return to funeral planning.

- Yes.
- So many people outside.

I feared I might have to start
driving over them to get in here.

Really? Protesters?

This country's just lost
its sense of decency.

- Well, they're animals.
- No, no. Heavens, no.

- They're well-wishers.
- Really?


People are wishing me well?

Well, of course they are.
You're in mourning.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Thank you so much. You're too kind.

I appreciate it.

Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride.

A sad bride because, of course,
this is a day of grief.

Her brain was quite damaged
for quite a long time.

I love you.

There are so many friendly
and diverse faces here.

And I wish that Mother were alive

to see this on her property.



Ms. Brookheimer, how goes the count?

Oh, it's great if you want a bloated
booze bag to be our next president.

- O'Brien.
- So O'Brien's a lush?

Did Eleanor Roosevelt eat pussy?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's the way
we talk in the White House.

I'm not even aware I'm doing it anymore.

Wow. I mean, you seem so...

- and then...
- Hey, it may not even be true.

Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang
her way down Pennsylvania Avenue?

Fuck my mouth. I'm doing it again.

Jiminy Cricket. Wow.

Damn it. Apparently our
born-again surrogate

is super against DNR, so when
POTUS pulled the plug on MOTUS,

she started having second thoughts.

Did you explain to her that there is no
scientific evidence of a higher power?

How long has this yogurt been in here?

Make yourself at home, Mike.

Don't eat the bananas. They're wax.

- Copy that.
- Shit news from Nevada.

What? - The new votes are
tilting heavily toward O'Brien.

Apparently most of them
are military absentees.

Of course. Fort Dutton.
It all makes sense.

No, no, no. That doesn't make any sense.

Nevada is my state. I'm
gonna be president.

I'm gonna be the first
elected lady president.

I'm gonna have a lovely inauguration.
Billy Joel is gonna sing.

So you guys have to stop the recount.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Stop the count.

- Shut up, Gary. Ma'am, we can't.
- I don't care.

The train has very publically left the
station and derailed at high speed.

You got to stop the count. - Ma'am,
this would look like a size-14 flip-flop.

- We really can't...
- I don't give a fuck!

You're gonna cancel this recount
like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.

Yeah, I'm on it, though I think
the DJ already spent the deposit.

I'm on it right... yeah, Amy. Yeah.

I'm tired of losing things!

We would like to file
a motion to exclude

all pending ballots from the recount.

Ms. Collins, you do realize
that what you're saying

is in diametric opposition to the
case you presented yesterday?

If the deadline has passed, why is
the recount allowed to continue?

Objection, Your Honor.
The count must continue.

Did we tell "Huey, Dewey, and Rapey"

that it's "Stop the Count" now
and not "Count Every Vote"?


Count every vote. Count every vote.

Count every vote. Count every vote.

Doesn't he work for O'Brien?

No. Jesus. Come on, Richard, no.

- Count every vote!
- Jonah!

- Count every vote!
- Richard!

Stop protesting, you idiots!

- Count every vote! Count every vote!

Maybe I'll get assassinated.


Selina, Selina, Selina.

- What?
- Life takes so many turns.

Yeah. - I just want you to
know where I'm coming from.

- All right.
- Monica, she's sweet,

she's lovely, she's short-term.

She's something to get me through
the long nights for now.

Andrew, you know that we're
at a funeral, right?

- We're not at Club Med.
- In here...

it's always been you.

In a church.

- Madam President.
- Oh, Tom.

- I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you very much.

Thanks for being here, Tom.
I appreciate it.

I see that Charlie Baird is here.

Yes. Yeah, he flew in this morning.

So who's fisting the American
economy while he's here?

Really, Tom?

My apologies, Madam President.

- God.
- Charlie.

- Tommy.
- Yeah?

- Ma'am.
- Oh, hang on two seconds.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi, Gary.
- Hi.

Wow, your ex, not afraid to
mix business with mourning.

Oh, yeah. How soon after meeting you

did he ask you to invest
in his latest venture?

- 17 seconds. - Really?
- I timed it.

Some can't-lose scheme about the
third largest hotel chain in Brazil.

- "Can't lose."
- Can't lose.

Got to see if I still have my wallet.

- Ma'am, sorry to interrupt.
- Yeah?

- The eulogy is all set.
- Okay.

- And I added the good piano anecdote.
- Perfect.

- I don't know if that was the best...
- No, it works.


Can anybody get in on this Brazil thing?

I got a baby to pay for.

Please let me play the Tim McGraw song.

Okay? I have it all cued up.

Seriously, Catherine,

this is a funeral, not a NASCAR race.

I don't have the time
for this right now.

When do you have the
time, then, Mom? When?

Okay? Because you
don't like Tim McGraw,

then nobody is supposed
to like Tim McGraw.

Catherine, you are forbidden

from saying the words
"Tim McGraw" ever again.

Unbelievable. Mee-Maw
was so right about you.

What is that supposed to mean? What
is that... - Pardon me, ma'am.

Pardon me. Could I borrow
you for a minute? - What?

I've just been kibitzing
with the Qatari ambassador,

Mohammed bin Nasser bin
Khalifa Al Jaffar.

Please don't have him
sign the guest book.

Yeah, he comes bringing
a message from China.

Why would China go through Qatar?

Qataris love to insert themselves.

- They're wet-fingered.
- They're into ass play?

No, they have a gift for sensing
prevailing political winds.

I'll bet they're into ass play, too.

Those people that you bring in,

as they bring in people,
you get a piece of that.

I get a piece of that.

In perpetuity.

- Madam President.
- Mr. Ambassador.

So I understand you
have a message for me.

What I say to you is in the
strictest of confidence.

The sanctions you have threatened
against our friends in China

may undermine their very fragile economy

at a most inopportune moment.

But in exchange for easing
the economic pressure,

they would be open to indirect talks.

What is on the table?

Oh, everything.

From climate change to human rights.

We shall be in touch.

Thank you, Ambassador Al...


Well, that was mysterious, right?

- Ma'am. - Yeah?
- They're ready for you.

Let's get this show on the road.

We are gathered together today

to remember the life of
Catherine Calvert Eaton.

This China thing is like
legacy material, right?

Nobel Peace Prize material.


I'll tell you after.

Tell me now.

Karen couldn't stop the count.

We officially lost Nevada,

so we're gonna have to
fight it out in Congress.

- And...
- And what?

What else?

With all the new votes
going to O'Brien, we've...


We lost the popular vote.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

Sorry for your loss.



I grieve with thee.

Oh, thank you, Kent.

As we begin our service, we will
now hear from her daughter,

President Selina Meyer.

My mother had a good piano.

I'm sorry.

It's just all sort of
hitting me right now.

I have lost...

so much.

I'm sorry. I can't. I can't.

Catherine, play the Tim McGraw thing.

Just not fair. This is just not fair.

- A very moving eulogy.
- Oh, thank you, Geo

When you feel up to it, you and
Catherine and I should sit down

and discuss the estate and
how you fit into all of it.

How I fit into the estate?

It's not uncommon for an
inheritance to skip a generation

and your mother decided to leave the
bulk of her estate to Catherine.

The bulk?

- It'll all be fine.
- Yes.

- Great speech.
- Thank you.

- Love that song.
- Okay.

Sorry about what I said earlier.

That was the grief talking.

- All right.
- Catherine, honey...?

- I need a tissue.
- I don't have a tissue.

Well, that's useless.

- Ma'am.
- Yes.

I hated my father.

Thank you, Tom.

To Congress we go.

To Congress we go, yeah.