Veep (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Inauguration - full transcript
Selina and her staff prepare for inauguration day.
Mike! Mike! Mike!
Mike, will the president be making
a statement about the House vote?
No, the president will not be
making a statement at this time.
While she was disappointed
in the result,
she was thrilled to watch
democracy in action.
I mean, the chances of this
happening in Russia, nyet.
Mike, if Tom James wins
against Senator Montez
in the Senate and becomes president,
will President Meyer consider...
Okay, let me cut you off right there.
Selina Meyer is not interested in
becoming vice president again.
That job is in her rearview mirror.
I stake my reputation on this.
Selina Meyer will never be vice
president ever, ever again.
So, Tom, let's be real.
You're gonna be an accidental president.
Pot, kettle.
I'm here to offer my help
in making this transition of power
as smooth as possible
by joining your administration.
Well, strangely enough, I was
thinking along the same lines.
Okay, fantastic. I'll
tell you what I want.
I want secretary of state
'cause I think that's
the least you can do.
I was thinking vice president.
That's literally the least you can do.
And I really want secretary of state.
- Vice president.
- Come on, secretary of state.
Vice President Meyer's got a
nice familiar ring to it.
No, it doesn't.
Vice president, take it or leave it.
I wouldn't be your veep if
there were a grassy knoll
full of Jodie Foster
fans in the front row
at your inauguration.
That's a leave it.
General George
Washington could climb
out of his grave right now
and I would rather eat out
his zombified wooden asshole twice a day
than be his vice fucking...
fucking anything!
Okay, let's put a pin in the VP for now.
- Seriously?
- Morning, ma'am.
Will somebody wake up Mike? Or not.
What's the difference?
Ma'am, last night I ran a flash
poll on presidential scholars.
They have rated you the 43rd
most effective president ever.
- Out of how many?
- 44.
You were right ahead of James Buchanan,
who many feel caused the Civil War.
Kent, can you give a girl
some warning next time
before you jam it in the back door?
Data gives no warning, ma'am.
Any chance Marjorie and
Catherine want to get married?
There you go, first White
House lesbian wedding.
That'll get you in the history books.
Oh, God. I can't take that
much acoustic guitar.
What we have to do
is we have to make Tibet happen.
That's what's gonna be my legacy.
Selina Meyer, the woman who freed Tibet.
Ma'am, we've been in radio silence with
the Chinese for the last two weeks.
Well, then why don't we send warships
out into the South China Seas?
- Sea.
- I want my Nobel Peace Prize!
Legacy!
Legacy meeting adjourned.
God, my phone is blowing
up with these TV offers.
Think I'm gonna need an agent, you know,
someone who can take the Dan
Egan brand to the next level.
Too bad Goebbels killed himself.
The only president
to pee sitting down since FDR.
Is that gonna be my legacy, Ben? Is it?
Well, I pee sitting down sometimes
if it's gonna be a longy.
Okay, we've got to make Tibet happen.
Go through the Qataris, okay?
I bet there are a dozen of them right
now at the Georgetown Four Seasons.
Go to a Lamborghini
dealership, you know?
Wherever they have prostitutes.
These guys could help you.
I'm finished with your brag wall.
All the photos of you with
the Washington elite.
Are there any pictures where the
president isn't yelling at me?
As far as I can tell, no such picture
exists in the known universe.
Oh, also, we got to get
some eye candy in here.
You know, hire some hot interns.
Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of
resumes from New Hampshire.
One of them was a phone
number on a bar napkin.
No, New Hampshire is just a fancy
word for "it's cold outside,
- so I don't shave my pubes."
- I'm writing that down.
Focus on the warm-
weather states, okay?
Congressman...
I have a feeling you're gonna
do some really great things.
I'm getting kind of hungry.
Do you think you could find
a lobbyist to take me out
to lunch short notice?
Try for Big Pharma. I
hear they do The Palm.
Madam President, I'm afraid to tell you
that the Chinese are rather
nervous about moving forward
with Tibet now that you're out of power.
I am not out of power and... at all.
This has not, in fact, been
formally announced yet,
- but I will be continuing on...
- Oh.
...as, um...
as vice president.
Tom James offered it yesterday.
It's really more of a
copresident position.
- Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben?
- Sure.
And between you and me,
Tom James could be
healthier, I have to say.
- Oh?
- Yeah, he's a bit of a, you know...
Well, I suspect this will be of
great interest to the Chinese.
Great. Thank you very much.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, right, no touchy the ladies.
Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's private.
Just don't let the
lunatics back home know.
All right, come
on, Ben, let's go.
- Yes, ma'am.
- This is gonna suck.
Hang on, I need to make a stop.
- Madam President.
- Is the vice president in?
No, he's at the Senate for the vote.
Uh-huh.
Okay, I can do this.
- Selina Meyer. What a delight.
- Tom.
Um, I've got good news.
- I have decided to...
- No, don't tell me.
You have decided to throw away
every last shred of dignity you have
and accept my offer of
the vice presidency.
I... I guess so, yeah.
I'm delighted to hear it.
- Thank you.
- I don't want you to worry.
You are not just gonna
be any vice president.
You're gonna be a partner...
and a very important
part of my administration.
- You're a motherfucker.
- No, I'm serious. I'm serious.
You're gonna be... you know,
you're gonna be part of the team.
- You're gonna be at every meeting.
- Okay.
It's like a shitty Groundhog Day.
Your country thanks you.
Congressman Ryan's office.
- Congressman Ryan's office.
- Hello.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning.
- Morning, sir.
- Congressman Ryan's office.
Richard, who are these dudes?
- Oh, these are the new interns.
- What?
That's Colt. He's from UVA.
Played lacrosse.
Richard, I told you to get hot interns.
Sir, by any objective standards,
Colt, Brady, and Mason are
unequivocally hot, not not.
Hot interns means girls. How
the fuck do you not know that?
Excuse me, sir. I made you a latte.
Uh, thank you.
Mmm, oh, my God, this
coffee is exceptional.
Thanks.
- Can we please keep him?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Hey, Colt, welcome to team Ryan.
I want you guys to get
used to two things...
killing it daily on the Hill
and nights rated PG-squirteen.
- Baller.
- Baller.
- Baller.
- Baller.
We are moments
away from the Senate vote
for vice president between Senator
Tom James and Senator Laura Montez.
And, of course, with
the presidency vacant,
the winner of this vote
will assume the presidency.
Well, President Lu, I'm very glad
that we've come to an agreement
and I'm exceptionally glad
that we're gonna have another
four years of working together.
President Lu is particularly happy
to work alongside Senator James.
He hears he's quite the statesman.
Statesman-ish, which
is a joke, of course.
- Ma'am?
- What?
We've got to see what's going
on in the Senate right away.
You're kidding.
Forgive me, President Lu,
but I'm afraid I have
to go and attend to
the vote that is happening
right now in our Senate.
But feel free to follow
along on the television
or perhaps on one of the many bugs
that you've planted
throughout the White House.
- Mr. Lowell.
- Senator James.
Jesus Christ. What have we got?
It's tighter than we thought, ma'am.
Tom up by two.
- What?
- Mr. Murray.
- Senator Montez.
- Up by one.
- Tom, what's going on in here?
- I don't know, I...
Senator Montez.
- You motherfucker!
- Nelson voted against you?
But Nelson is your protégé, man.
Get Nelson on the phone right...
- this doesn't just happen.
- Tom, he voted!
They're going alphabetically.
Get somebody after him.
- Get Wallace on the phone.
- Get Wallace!
I'm hearing something about
your "borking" Dunkirk.
- What?
- Yeah, on a circuit court nominee.
That was... no. That was 10 years ago.
Someone is trying to fuck me.
Tom James.
Thank you, Summerlin, you
senile old piss sponge.
- 50-48.
- Tom needs just one more.
Got all kinds of
rumors about vote trading.
- It's not us.
- Oh, fuck. Wallace is going Montez.
She's telling people that you reneged
on her Alaskan coast cleanup bill.
That was a handout to Big Oil.
- Mrs. Wallace.
- Senator Montez.
50-49. This is not Montez.
She's getting help.
Mr. Yinui.
Come on, you page-diddling
Hawaiian fat fuck.
Senator Montez.
- That's 50.
- Not another tie.
- What now?
- A tie in the Senate
is broken by the
president of the Senate.
Or what we humans call
the vice president.
Oh, my God, perfect. You can vote
for yourself. Go, go, go, go.
- Tom's not veep, you butler.
- Doyle is vice president.
Being called upon to cast this vote
is a pleasure and an honor,
not a burden.
There's been enough
uncertainty in this country,
so I won't stall any further.
- Please.
- Come on, just spit it out.
With this in mind, I vote
for Senator Laura Montez.
It's official.
The United States of America
has a new president.
This is a truly stunning turn of events
for Laura Montez.
Now you know what it feels like.
I've got a source. Apparently Doyle
masterminded the whole thing.
Rumor has it he's getting
secretary of state.
Secretary of state.
God, I hate this country.
I know.
You fuckers.
How dare you?
That magnificent woman
counted on you and you
losers let her down.
Yeah, I got to call you back.
Something amazing is happening.
All you fucking cared about
was your stupid, bad selves.
Your numbers...
your numbers are garbage.
Your speeches, garbage.
And you're
supposed to give her advice?
Is that right? All I heard was dumb,
stupid I don't know
what the fuck it was.
Garbage?
- Gary...
- Oh, shut up!
You screwed her the worst.
In all the ways.
Oh, I know...
I know you make fun of me
and I know that you think that I'm funny
and I'm funny, ha, ha, ha.
Well, at least I cared.
I did my job! I fucking cared!
Well, that just kind of made
this whole year worth it.
Yeah.
Today is a great
day for democracy.
It marks the beginning of a
new chapter for America.
You know, the vote we just witnessed
sends one very clear message.
Now is the time we put
our divisions aside
and we move this great nation forward.
I just spoke to my good
friend Senator Bill O'Brien
and I'm happy to say
he's fully endorsing my presidency,
so I will be counting on his help...
I need fruit.
...as I guide America out
of these turbulent times.
Here she is, baby Ellen.
Yeah, she seems really,
really large for a baby.
I was a tall kid when I was three.
In fact, people in the neighborhood
thought something was wrong with me
'cause I was the size
of a five-year-old.
So what's the reason now, then?
Morning, Madam President. I am back.
- Were you gone?
- Nevada. Six days.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, it was a really,
really amazing visit.
This is Mee-Maw's painting back here and
I want to make sure to get this home.
Okay, that's technically
Catherine's painting.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Are you here selling a young
adult fiction idea, too?
Mine takes place in
an alternate timeline
where overweight, alcoholic
ex-chiefs of staff
are considered a sexual prize.
Alternate timelines are a crutch
for lazy sci-fi premises,
e.g., "Star Trek"
with the exception of "Deep Space Nine."
You should try your
hand at romance novels.
- I have.
- Mmm.
You hear Montez is looking to keep
one senior White House staffer?
Probably just a rumor.
Wouldn't worry about it.
As is customary, President-Elect Montez
and her family will spend
tonight at Blair House.
Tomorrow morning at 10:00 A.M.,
she will join President Meyer
for coffee in the Red Room
before heading to the inauguration.
MSNBC has just learned
that President-Elect Montez
- plans to nominate Wall
Street banker Charlie Baird...
- That seems about right.
- ...to be her secretary of the treasury.
President Meyer dated the
banker briefly late last year.
Oh, hey, Richard.
Oh, Madam President.
Uh, I'm just finishing packing up
Congressman Ryan's old office.
I have to do it now because
it's the last night before...
Yeah, I know what it's the
last night before of.
You know about Colt's birthday dinner?
- It's good, isn't it?
- It's very, very, very relaxing.
I should have relied
on you more, Richard.
I mean, really, seriously,
you're one of the good ones.
Oh, well, thank you, Madam President.
I mean, if I had had 100 Richards,
who knows what I could have done?
Probably a lot.
Or it could turn out like one of
those "Twilight Zone" scenarios
where we all murder each other.
I don't even remember how to drive.
- I need a wallet.
- Probably.
- And stamps. I've got to get stamps.
- Yeah.
If I was a little girl and you said
to me, "What do you want to do?"
I would have said, "Please,
can I be president?"
And then it turned out to be the
12 loneliest months of my life.
My auntie used to talk about
loneliness like that.
- Okay, so, right, you know that.
- Yeah, yeah.
We were pretty, pretty close,
especially 'cause my
mother was so much older.
Old enough to be my grandmother,
as a matter of fact.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Maybe my auntie was
actually my real mother
and my mother was
actually my grandmother.
Ah, wow, that's starting to
make a whole lot of sense.
Everybody knew about it but me, too.
Are we praying, ma'am?
No, I'm just gonna lie down.
Oh, God.
Oh, I wish I had won.
I wish everybody won.
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Ma'am? Okay.
Can you just stay?
Mm-hmm. Absolutely, ma'am.
Special smoothie
for a special lady.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
Oh, my God, I hope I
didn't fuck Richard.
What?
- Okay, you need some help?
- No. Ow. Ow.
Okay, Mrs. Montez and her
family, they're on their way.
You're gonna greet them at
the North Portico doorway.
- Mom.
- Oh!
Wow!
Have you seen my film?
The hard drive is missing.
Honey, look at you.
Yeah, I've been working
with this new stylist
since I've been doing all this
press for the rescue farm.
- It's my new look.
- Oh.
Mom, you're gonna do something
with your hair, right?
Huh?
Oh, God. Look at this.
Okay, you listen to me. Listen to me.
They can take away your presidency,
they can take away your power,
they can take away your dignity,
but what is the one thing that
they cannot take away from you?
- My beauty.
- That's right. Let's go.
Go back door! Back door!
- Put it up!
- Oh!
- That's it.
- You fouled me.
Do you realize the whole goddamn
Rayburn House Office Building
can hear you and your twink army in here
cock scraping each other's esophagi?
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
We were roughhousing.
Jesus, Will, are you looking
at what I'm looking at here?
Will, tell him the first
rule of hiring male staff.
They must be substantially less
attractive than the congressman.
And I almost hired an Iraqi war veteran.
Third degree burns on half of his face,
but the guy had personality, so...
Will, tell him why I hired you instead.
Because I'm repulsive both
in appearance and manner.
Now let me give you some advice
before you're yanked out of here
like a cheerleader's unwanted fetus.
You say nothing and you do less.
And take off those fucking glasses.
You look like Clark Kent if they dug up
Christopher Reeve's corpse to play the part.
And as for you ladies,
this is DC, not Miami.
- Congratulations, Jonah.
- Thanks, man.
Fuck that guy.
Come on, let's go. Game on. Here we go.
- All right, ready?
- Alley-oop!
My fucking nuts!
Oh, shit, Colt.
Call a doctor and call my mom.
Hey, have you ever used
that Truman bowling alley?
No, no, of course not. I worked here.
I didn't go to the White House for
a fourth grade birthday party.
Jesus. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. That's...
- Amy, hi.
- Hey, Candi.
Congratulations. Wow.
Montez's new chief of staff.
- Ben here is just showing me around.
- I am.
You've interviewed here so many times,
I'd think that you'd know the place
like the back of your hand by now.
- Kent Davison.
- Mike McLintock.
- Any luck with the new job search?
- Uh...
Oh, it's all right. I'm back at
the "Post," so we're good. Yeah.
This is Debralee, our surrogate.
- Hi.
- The twins are in there.
- In there.
- In here.
And this is Ellen,
our new big girl. She's three.
Mike, she has the head
circumference of a six-year-old.
I'm six.
What did she say?
Here's an interesting fact.
Would you believe that it
was called the Red Room
before it was actually painted red?
- Oh.
- I heard that.
Yeah.
What'd it cost to paint
this thing back then?
$12.
Yeah, $12. I was
thinking right around 15.
I think it was a slave state,
so it might have been free.
Oh.
Oh, I'm just wondering... boys.
- Boys. They're fine.
- No. Okay.
Hell, when my boys were that age,
they'd have just torn this place apart.
I have three boys. My entire
house smells like an armpit.
Ooh, hate to hear that.
See, glad I have girls.
Girls will cost you later.
Mm, girls are the worst.
Well, I also heard that it might
go down into the teens tonight.
Hey, I better get out my fur
for the ball tonight, right?
Yes, you should.
Well, give me the heat any day.
But then again, I grew up in Mexico.
Well, sure, yeah, we know that.
His family is from Jalisco.
Es muy caliente there.
And where exactly in Ohio
are you from, Laura?
Um, well, I grew up
right outside of Cleveland,
but after, you know,
15 years, I feel like I
am 100% New Mexican.
New Mexican, but not Mexican?
Of all the White House traditions,
this one is probably my favorite.
- Is it? Oh.
- Yeah.
Damn it. I just had it.
I have this thing every day
and now I can't find it.
Okay.
An estimated one million
people are anxiously awaiting
the arrival of President-Elect
Laura Montez.
Montez! Montez! Montez!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United
States, Selina Meyer.
President Meyer
has taken the stage.
And she's greeting a very
attractive stranger.
That is first
daughter Catherine Meyer.
Oh, wow. Too bad.
The handoff of power has begun.
President-Elect Montez will be sworn in
and address the nation as
president for the first time.
Why'd you do it, Andrew?
I offered you secretary of state.
You offered it to everybody in town.
Your head is so far up Montez's ass.
Next time it's Alejandro's birthday,
he's gonna come all over your face.
Oh.
That's the truth.
President Meyer taking a moment to
catch up with her vice president
and longtime political
ally Andrew Doyle.
Those two have a very
special relationship.
I, Laura Priscilla Montez,
do solemnly swear...
I, Laura Priscilla Montez,
do solemnly swear...
...that I will faithfully
execute the office
of President of the United States...
...that I will faithfully
execute the office
of President of the United States...
...and will to the best of my ability...
...and will to the best of my ability...
...preserve, protect, and defend the
Constitution of the United States.
...preserve, protect, and defend the
Constitution of the United States.
So help me God.
So help me God.
Congratulations, Madam President.
Gracias.
My fellow citizens,
this is the dawn of a new era.
Una epoca nueva.
We are interrupting
President Montez's speech
to bring you breaking news.
On the left side of your screen,
you're seeing live footage
from Andrews Air Force Base.
We have just learned that mere
minutes into her presidency,
President Montez has brokered a deal
with the Chinese
government to free Tibet.
And on board that plane are
the so-called baby lamas,
Tibetan spiritual leaders
who have been freed
from decades of Chinese captivity
as part of this historic agreement.
This will no doubt put President
Montez in line for the Nobel Prize.
...all of our problems.
We must put our faith...
You're not gonna believe this,
but she just freed the lamas.
What?
She brokered with the
Chinese to free Tibet.
Thank you. May God bless you
and may God bless America.
Madam President.
Oh, Senator James.
An historic day for womankind.
What'd you think of the speech?
I had no idea her tits were that big.
So what's next for you?
Well, I've always dreamed
of living in a small town,
having a little place on Main Street,
hanging a shingle out front,
and running my own little
multibillion-dollar hedge fund.
- Uh-huh.
- You know, back to basics.
Okay. All right. Well,
I'll see you around.
- See you around.
- See you around.
- Madam President.
- What?
Nice shoes.
Oh, come on, man.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Where's Sue?
- I don't know.
Well, I'm not good with good-byes.
Or winning presidential elections.
Well, that's not true.
- Yeah, it is.
- Okay.
Um...
I don't know what to say.
Was I supposed to write
something, ma'am?
Nobody told me.
I thought he was getting a baby.
Yeah, that's not a baby.
Uh, well, we gave America
everything we had.
Yeah, sure did.
Inspiring words, ma'am. Godspeed.
Thank you, all of you.
It's...
All right, let's go, girls.
Get on the thing.
Good-bye, ma'am.
- Ma'am.
- Bye.
Ma'am!
Ma'am, I just want to thank you
- for everything you did...
- Amy, just come with us.
- No.
- No, no, you should just come.
Okay, but I don't even have my...
Where are they going?
Gosh, from a distance, it
looks really beautiful.
Yeah, from a distance.
Can I borrow somebody's phone?
I have to check on Buddy.
- Oh, did you get a dog?
- Buddy's my...
Ooh, what was that?
- Okay.
- What the fuck is that?
Small problem with one of
the engines, Madam President.
- We're gonna have to take her back down.
- Oh, Lord.
Hell of a time to run out of gas.
If you could just step away
from the aircraft for a bit,
we'll call you a motorcade.
Oh, my God.
- What am I walking on?
- Grass, ma'am.
- Mom.
- What?
Are you sure you don't know where
the hard drive of my film is?
- No.
- No.
What is that sound?
The parade, ma'am.
I think I can walk back from here.
Oh, my God.
Here you go.
Maybe it'll ruin her parade.
That's it from the National Mall.
Back to you, Wolf.
And clear.
- Nice work, Egan.
- Thank you.
- I may have a full-time gig for you.
- Really?
We've got an opening for someone to cover
the state department on the overnight.
- Really?
- Easy, Cronkite.
Just think of it as
morning somewhere. Carrie?
Yes?
Could you give me tomorrow's
research, please?
So, what do you say?
I just got an offer from CBS News.
So, Greg, I will say this...
Egan out.
Yeah, I just got your email.
I just want to make sure the
job is with CBS, right?
That's Columbia Broadcasting?
Yeah, there's just some
minor swelling, Mr. Ryan,
but nothing a little ice won't fix.
Excellent.
Hoo. I have tickets to the
inaugural ball tonight.
- Oh.
- Yeah. I'm a congressman.
The second ticket is unclaimed
if you're available.
I'm married. I have the ring
hiding under the gloves.
- No, I saw it.
- No. Oh.
Anyway, there is no
easy way to say this,
but you have a lump on
your left testicle.
I just want to biopsy it and
we can take it from there.
Take what from where?
Early detection would
have prevented this.
We really encourage regular self-exams.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, they're waiting for you
in the Roosevelt Room, ma'am.
- Thank you, Sue.
- Of course.
Selina, good news. We found
the missing Nevada ballots.
You won.
Mike, will the president be making
a statement about the House vote?
No, the president will not be
making a statement at this time.
While she was disappointed
in the result,
she was thrilled to watch
democracy in action.
I mean, the chances of this
happening in Russia, nyet.
Mike, if Tom James wins
against Senator Montez
in the Senate and becomes president,
will President Meyer consider...
Okay, let me cut you off right there.
Selina Meyer is not interested in
becoming vice president again.
That job is in her rearview mirror.
I stake my reputation on this.
Selina Meyer will never be vice
president ever, ever again.
So, Tom, let's be real.
You're gonna be an accidental president.
Pot, kettle.
I'm here to offer my help
in making this transition of power
as smooth as possible
by joining your administration.
Well, strangely enough, I was
thinking along the same lines.
Okay, fantastic. I'll
tell you what I want.
I want secretary of state
'cause I think that's
the least you can do.
I was thinking vice president.
That's literally the least you can do.
And I really want secretary of state.
- Vice president.
- Come on, secretary of state.
Vice President Meyer's got a
nice familiar ring to it.
No, it doesn't.
Vice president, take it or leave it.
I wouldn't be your veep if
there were a grassy knoll
full of Jodie Foster
fans in the front row
at your inauguration.
That's a leave it.
General George
Washington could climb
out of his grave right now
and I would rather eat out
his zombified wooden asshole twice a day
than be his vice fucking...
fucking anything!
Okay, let's put a pin in the VP for now.
- Seriously?
- Morning, ma'am.
Will somebody wake up Mike? Or not.
What's the difference?
Ma'am, last night I ran a flash
poll on presidential scholars.
They have rated you the 43rd
most effective president ever.
- Out of how many?
- 44.
You were right ahead of James Buchanan,
who many feel caused the Civil War.
Kent, can you give a girl
some warning next time
before you jam it in the back door?
Data gives no warning, ma'am.
Any chance Marjorie and
Catherine want to get married?
There you go, first White
House lesbian wedding.
That'll get you in the history books.
Oh, God. I can't take that
much acoustic guitar.
What we have to do
is we have to make Tibet happen.
That's what's gonna be my legacy.
Selina Meyer, the woman who freed Tibet.
Ma'am, we've been in radio silence with
the Chinese for the last two weeks.
Well, then why don't we send warships
out into the South China Seas?
- Sea.
- I want my Nobel Peace Prize!
Legacy!
Legacy meeting adjourned.
God, my phone is blowing
up with these TV offers.
Think I'm gonna need an agent, you know,
someone who can take the Dan
Egan brand to the next level.
Too bad Goebbels killed himself.
The only president
to pee sitting down since FDR.
Is that gonna be my legacy, Ben? Is it?
Well, I pee sitting down sometimes
if it's gonna be a longy.
Okay, we've got to make Tibet happen.
Go through the Qataris, okay?
I bet there are a dozen of them right
now at the Georgetown Four Seasons.
Go to a Lamborghini
dealership, you know?
Wherever they have prostitutes.
These guys could help you.
I'm finished with your brag wall.
All the photos of you with
the Washington elite.
Are there any pictures where the
president isn't yelling at me?
As far as I can tell, no such picture
exists in the known universe.
Oh, also, we got to get
some eye candy in here.
You know, hire some hot interns.
Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of
resumes from New Hampshire.
One of them was a phone
number on a bar napkin.
No, New Hampshire is just a fancy
word for "it's cold outside,
- so I don't shave my pubes."
- I'm writing that down.
Focus on the warm-
weather states, okay?
Congressman...
I have a feeling you're gonna
do some really great things.
I'm getting kind of hungry.
Do you think you could find
a lobbyist to take me out
to lunch short notice?
Try for Big Pharma. I
hear they do The Palm.
Madam President, I'm afraid to tell you
that the Chinese are rather
nervous about moving forward
with Tibet now that you're out of power.
I am not out of power and... at all.
This has not, in fact, been
formally announced yet,
- but I will be continuing on...
- Oh.
...as, um...
as vice president.
Tom James offered it yesterday.
It's really more of a
copresident position.
- Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben?
- Sure.
And between you and me,
Tom James could be
healthier, I have to say.
- Oh?
- Yeah, he's a bit of a, you know...
Well, I suspect this will be of
great interest to the Chinese.
Great. Thank you very much.
Yes, thank you.
Oh, right, no touchy the ladies.
Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's private.
Just don't let the
lunatics back home know.
All right, come
on, Ben, let's go.
- Yes, ma'am.
- This is gonna suck.
Hang on, I need to make a stop.
- Madam President.
- Is the vice president in?
No, he's at the Senate for the vote.
Uh-huh.
Okay, I can do this.
- Selina Meyer. What a delight.
- Tom.
Um, I've got good news.
- I have decided to...
- No, don't tell me.
You have decided to throw away
every last shred of dignity you have
and accept my offer of
the vice presidency.
I... I guess so, yeah.
I'm delighted to hear it.
- Thank you.
- I don't want you to worry.
You are not just gonna
be any vice president.
You're gonna be a partner...
and a very important
part of my administration.
- You're a motherfucker.
- No, I'm serious. I'm serious.
You're gonna be... you know,
you're gonna be part of the team.
- You're gonna be at every meeting.
- Okay.
It's like a shitty Groundhog Day.
Your country thanks you.
Congressman Ryan's office.
- Congressman Ryan's office.
- Hello.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning.
- Morning, sir.
- Congressman Ryan's office.
Richard, who are these dudes?
- Oh, these are the new interns.
- What?
That's Colt. He's from UVA.
Played lacrosse.
Richard, I told you to get hot interns.
Sir, by any objective standards,
Colt, Brady, and Mason are
unequivocally hot, not not.
Hot interns means girls. How
the fuck do you not know that?
Excuse me, sir. I made you a latte.
Uh, thank you.
Mmm, oh, my God, this
coffee is exceptional.
Thanks.
- Can we please keep him?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Hey, Colt, welcome to team Ryan.
I want you guys to get
used to two things...
killing it daily on the Hill
and nights rated PG-squirteen.
- Baller.
- Baller.
- Baller.
- Baller.
We are moments
away from the Senate vote
for vice president between Senator
Tom James and Senator Laura Montez.
And, of course, with
the presidency vacant,
the winner of this vote
will assume the presidency.
Well, President Lu, I'm very glad
that we've come to an agreement
and I'm exceptionally glad
that we're gonna have another
four years of working together.
President Lu is particularly happy
to work alongside Senator James.
He hears he's quite the statesman.
Statesman-ish, which
is a joke, of course.
- Ma'am?
- What?
We've got to see what's going
on in the Senate right away.
You're kidding.
Forgive me, President Lu,
but I'm afraid I have
to go and attend to
the vote that is happening
right now in our Senate.
But feel free to follow
along on the television
or perhaps on one of the many bugs
that you've planted
throughout the White House.
- Mr. Lowell.
- Senator James.
Jesus Christ. What have we got?
It's tighter than we thought, ma'am.
Tom up by two.
- What?
- Mr. Murray.
- Senator Montez.
- Up by one.
- Tom, what's going on in here?
- I don't know, I...
Senator Montez.
- You motherfucker!
- Nelson voted against you?
But Nelson is your protégé, man.
Get Nelson on the phone right...
- this doesn't just happen.
- Tom, he voted!
They're going alphabetically.
Get somebody after him.
- Get Wallace on the phone.
- Get Wallace!
I'm hearing something about
your "borking" Dunkirk.
- What?
- Yeah, on a circuit court nominee.
That was... no. That was 10 years ago.
Someone is trying to fuck me.
Tom James.
Thank you, Summerlin, you
senile old piss sponge.
- 50-48.
- Tom needs just one more.
Got all kinds of
rumors about vote trading.
- It's not us.
- Oh, fuck. Wallace is going Montez.
She's telling people that you reneged
on her Alaskan coast cleanup bill.
That was a handout to Big Oil.
- Mrs. Wallace.
- Senator Montez.
50-49. This is not Montez.
She's getting help.
Mr. Yinui.
Come on, you page-diddling
Hawaiian fat fuck.
Senator Montez.
- That's 50.
- Not another tie.
- What now?
- A tie in the Senate
is broken by the
president of the Senate.
Or what we humans call
the vice president.
Oh, my God, perfect. You can vote
for yourself. Go, go, go, go.
- Tom's not veep, you butler.
- Doyle is vice president.
Being called upon to cast this vote
is a pleasure and an honor,
not a burden.
There's been enough
uncertainty in this country,
so I won't stall any further.
- Please.
- Come on, just spit it out.
With this in mind, I vote
for Senator Laura Montez.
It's official.
The United States of America
has a new president.
This is a truly stunning turn of events
for Laura Montez.
Now you know what it feels like.
I've got a source. Apparently Doyle
masterminded the whole thing.
Rumor has it he's getting
secretary of state.
Secretary of state.
God, I hate this country.
I know.
You fuckers.
How dare you?
That magnificent woman
counted on you and you
losers let her down.
Yeah, I got to call you back.
Something amazing is happening.
All you fucking cared about
was your stupid, bad selves.
Your numbers...
your numbers are garbage.
Your speeches, garbage.
And you're
supposed to give her advice?
Is that right? All I heard was dumb,
stupid I don't know
what the fuck it was.
Garbage?
- Gary...
- Oh, shut up!
You screwed her the worst.
In all the ways.
Oh, I know...
I know you make fun of me
and I know that you think that I'm funny
and I'm funny, ha, ha, ha.
Well, at least I cared.
I did my job! I fucking cared!
Well, that just kind of made
this whole year worth it.
Yeah.
Today is a great
day for democracy.
It marks the beginning of a
new chapter for America.
You know, the vote we just witnessed
sends one very clear message.
Now is the time we put
our divisions aside
and we move this great nation forward.
I just spoke to my good
friend Senator Bill O'Brien
and I'm happy to say
he's fully endorsing my presidency,
so I will be counting on his help...
I need fruit.
...as I guide America out
of these turbulent times.
Here she is, baby Ellen.
Yeah, she seems really,
really large for a baby.
I was a tall kid when I was three.
In fact, people in the neighborhood
thought something was wrong with me
'cause I was the size
of a five-year-old.
So what's the reason now, then?
Morning, Madam President. I am back.
- Were you gone?
- Nevada. Six days.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, it was a really,
really amazing visit.
This is Mee-Maw's painting back here and
I want to make sure to get this home.
Okay, that's technically
Catherine's painting.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Are you here selling a young
adult fiction idea, too?
Mine takes place in
an alternate timeline
where overweight, alcoholic
ex-chiefs of staff
are considered a sexual prize.
Alternate timelines are a crutch
for lazy sci-fi premises,
e.g., "Star Trek"
with the exception of "Deep Space Nine."
You should try your
hand at romance novels.
- I have.
- Mmm.
You hear Montez is looking to keep
one senior White House staffer?
Probably just a rumor.
Wouldn't worry about it.
As is customary, President-Elect Montez
and her family will spend
tonight at Blair House.
Tomorrow morning at 10:00 A.M.,
she will join President Meyer
for coffee in the Red Room
before heading to the inauguration.
MSNBC has just learned
that President-Elect Montez
- plans to nominate Wall
Street banker Charlie Baird...
- That seems about right.
- ...to be her secretary of the treasury.
President Meyer dated the
banker briefly late last year.
Oh, hey, Richard.
Oh, Madam President.
Uh, I'm just finishing packing up
Congressman Ryan's old office.
I have to do it now because
it's the last night before...
Yeah, I know what it's the
last night before of.
You know about Colt's birthday dinner?
- It's good, isn't it?
- It's very, very, very relaxing.
I should have relied
on you more, Richard.
I mean, really, seriously,
you're one of the good ones.
Oh, well, thank you, Madam President.
I mean, if I had had 100 Richards,
who knows what I could have done?
Probably a lot.
Or it could turn out like one of
those "Twilight Zone" scenarios
where we all murder each other.
I don't even remember how to drive.
- I need a wallet.
- Probably.
- And stamps. I've got to get stamps.
- Yeah.
If I was a little girl and you said
to me, "What do you want to do?"
I would have said, "Please,
can I be president?"
And then it turned out to be the
12 loneliest months of my life.
My auntie used to talk about
loneliness like that.
- Okay, so, right, you know that.
- Yeah, yeah.
We were pretty, pretty close,
especially 'cause my
mother was so much older.
Old enough to be my grandmother,
as a matter of fact.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Maybe my auntie was
actually my real mother
and my mother was
actually my grandmother.
Ah, wow, that's starting to
make a whole lot of sense.
Everybody knew about it but me, too.
Are we praying, ma'am?
No, I'm just gonna lie down.
Oh, God.
Oh, I wish I had won.
I wish everybody won.
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Ma'am? Okay.
Can you just stay?
Mm-hmm. Absolutely, ma'am.
Special smoothie
for a special lady.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
Oh, my God, I hope I
didn't fuck Richard.
What?
- Okay, you need some help?
- No. Ow. Ow.
Okay, Mrs. Montez and her
family, they're on their way.
You're gonna greet them at
the North Portico doorway.
- Mom.
- Oh!
Wow!
Have you seen my film?
The hard drive is missing.
Honey, look at you.
Yeah, I've been working
with this new stylist
since I've been doing all this
press for the rescue farm.
- It's my new look.
- Oh.
Mom, you're gonna do something
with your hair, right?
Huh?
Oh, God. Look at this.
Okay, you listen to me. Listen to me.
They can take away your presidency,
they can take away your power,
they can take away your dignity,
but what is the one thing that
they cannot take away from you?
- My beauty.
- That's right. Let's go.
Go back door! Back door!
- Put it up!
- Oh!
- That's it.
- You fouled me.
Do you realize the whole goddamn
Rayburn House Office Building
can hear you and your twink army in here
cock scraping each other's esophagi?
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
We were roughhousing.
Jesus, Will, are you looking
at what I'm looking at here?
Will, tell him the first
rule of hiring male staff.
They must be substantially less
attractive than the congressman.
And I almost hired an Iraqi war veteran.
Third degree burns on half of his face,
but the guy had personality, so...
Will, tell him why I hired you instead.
Because I'm repulsive both
in appearance and manner.
Now let me give you some advice
before you're yanked out of here
like a cheerleader's unwanted fetus.
You say nothing and you do less.
And take off those fucking glasses.
You look like Clark Kent if they dug up
Christopher Reeve's corpse to play the part.
And as for you ladies,
this is DC, not Miami.
- Congratulations, Jonah.
- Thanks, man.
Fuck that guy.
Come on, let's go. Game on. Here we go.
- All right, ready?
- Alley-oop!
My fucking nuts!
Oh, shit, Colt.
Call a doctor and call my mom.
Hey, have you ever used
that Truman bowling alley?
No, no, of course not. I worked here.
I didn't go to the White House for
a fourth grade birthday party.
Jesus. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. That's...
- Amy, hi.
- Hey, Candi.
Congratulations. Wow.
Montez's new chief of staff.
- Ben here is just showing me around.
- I am.
You've interviewed here so many times,
I'd think that you'd know the place
like the back of your hand by now.
- Kent Davison.
- Mike McLintock.
- Any luck with the new job search?
- Uh...
Oh, it's all right. I'm back at
the "Post," so we're good. Yeah.
This is Debralee, our surrogate.
- Hi.
- The twins are in there.
- In there.
- In here.
And this is Ellen,
our new big girl. She's three.
Mike, she has the head
circumference of a six-year-old.
I'm six.
What did she say?
Here's an interesting fact.
Would you believe that it
was called the Red Room
before it was actually painted red?
- Oh.
- I heard that.
Yeah.
What'd it cost to paint
this thing back then?
$12.
Yeah, $12. I was
thinking right around 15.
I think it was a slave state,
so it might have been free.
Oh.
Oh, I'm just wondering... boys.
- Boys. They're fine.
- No. Okay.
Hell, when my boys were that age,
they'd have just torn this place apart.
I have three boys. My entire
house smells like an armpit.
Ooh, hate to hear that.
See, glad I have girls.
Girls will cost you later.
Mm, girls are the worst.
Well, I also heard that it might
go down into the teens tonight.
Hey, I better get out my fur
for the ball tonight, right?
Yes, you should.
Well, give me the heat any day.
But then again, I grew up in Mexico.
Well, sure, yeah, we know that.
His family is from Jalisco.
Es muy caliente there.
And where exactly in Ohio
are you from, Laura?
Um, well, I grew up
right outside of Cleveland,
but after, you know,
15 years, I feel like I
am 100% New Mexican.
New Mexican, but not Mexican?
Of all the White House traditions,
this one is probably my favorite.
- Is it? Oh.
- Yeah.
Damn it. I just had it.
I have this thing every day
and now I can't find it.
Okay.
An estimated one million
people are anxiously awaiting
the arrival of President-Elect
Laura Montez.
Montez! Montez! Montez!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United
States, Selina Meyer.
President Meyer
has taken the stage.
And she's greeting a very
attractive stranger.
That is first
daughter Catherine Meyer.
Oh, wow. Too bad.
The handoff of power has begun.
President-Elect Montez will be sworn in
and address the nation as
president for the first time.
Why'd you do it, Andrew?
I offered you secretary of state.
You offered it to everybody in town.
Your head is so far up Montez's ass.
Next time it's Alejandro's birthday,
he's gonna come all over your face.
Oh.
That's the truth.
President Meyer taking a moment to
catch up with her vice president
and longtime political
ally Andrew Doyle.
Those two have a very
special relationship.
I, Laura Priscilla Montez,
do solemnly swear...
I, Laura Priscilla Montez,
do solemnly swear...
...that I will faithfully
execute the office
of President of the United States...
...that I will faithfully
execute the office
of President of the United States...
...and will to the best of my ability...
...and will to the best of my ability...
...preserve, protect, and defend the
Constitution of the United States.
...preserve, protect, and defend the
Constitution of the United States.
So help me God.
So help me God.
Congratulations, Madam President.
Gracias.
My fellow citizens,
this is the dawn of a new era.
Una epoca nueva.
We are interrupting
President Montez's speech
to bring you breaking news.
On the left side of your screen,
you're seeing live footage
from Andrews Air Force Base.
We have just learned that mere
minutes into her presidency,
President Montez has brokered a deal
with the Chinese
government to free Tibet.
And on board that plane are
the so-called baby lamas,
Tibetan spiritual leaders
who have been freed
from decades of Chinese captivity
as part of this historic agreement.
This will no doubt put President
Montez in line for the Nobel Prize.
...all of our problems.
We must put our faith...
You're not gonna believe this,
but she just freed the lamas.
What?
She brokered with the
Chinese to free Tibet.
Thank you. May God bless you
and may God bless America.
Madam President.
Oh, Senator James.
An historic day for womankind.
What'd you think of the speech?
I had no idea her tits were that big.
So what's next for you?
Well, I've always dreamed
of living in a small town,
having a little place on Main Street,
hanging a shingle out front,
and running my own little
multibillion-dollar hedge fund.
- Uh-huh.
- You know, back to basics.
Okay. All right. Well,
I'll see you around.
- See you around.
- See you around.
- Madam President.
- What?
Nice shoes.
Oh, come on, man.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Where's Sue?
- I don't know.
Well, I'm not good with good-byes.
Or winning presidential elections.
Well, that's not true.
- Yeah, it is.
- Okay.
Um...
I don't know what to say.
Was I supposed to write
something, ma'am?
Nobody told me.
I thought he was getting a baby.
Yeah, that's not a baby.
Uh, well, we gave America
everything we had.
Yeah, sure did.
Inspiring words, ma'am. Godspeed.
Thank you, all of you.
It's...
All right, let's go, girls.
Get on the thing.
Good-bye, ma'am.
- Ma'am.
- Bye.
Ma'am!
Ma'am, I just want to thank you
- for everything you did...
- Amy, just come with us.
- No.
- No, no, you should just come.
Okay, but I don't even have my...
Where are they going?
Gosh, from a distance, it
looks really beautiful.
Yeah, from a distance.
Can I borrow somebody's phone?
I have to check on Buddy.
- Oh, did you get a dog?
- Buddy's my...
Ooh, what was that?
- Okay.
- What the fuck is that?
Small problem with one of
the engines, Madam President.
- We're gonna have to take her back down.
- Oh, Lord.
Hell of a time to run out of gas.
If you could just step away
from the aircraft for a bit,
we'll call you a motorcade.
Oh, my God.
- What am I walking on?
- Grass, ma'am.
- Mom.
- What?
Are you sure you don't know where
the hard drive of my film is?
- No.
- No.
What is that sound?
The parade, ma'am.
I think I can walk back from here.
Oh, my God.
Here you go.
Maybe it'll ruin her parade.
That's it from the National Mall.
Back to you, Wolf.
And clear.
- Nice work, Egan.
- Thank you.
- I may have a full-time gig for you.
- Really?
We've got an opening for someone to cover
the state department on the overnight.
- Really?
- Easy, Cronkite.
Just think of it as
morning somewhere. Carrie?
Yes?
Could you give me tomorrow's
research, please?
So, what do you say?
I just got an offer from CBS News.
So, Greg, I will say this...
Egan out.
Yeah, I just got your email.
I just want to make sure the
job is with CBS, right?
That's Columbia Broadcasting?
Yeah, there's just some
minor swelling, Mr. Ryan,
but nothing a little ice won't fix.
Excellent.
Hoo. I have tickets to the
inaugural ball tonight.
- Oh.
- Yeah. I'm a congressman.
The second ticket is unclaimed
if you're available.
I'm married. I have the ring
hiding under the gloves.
- No, I saw it.
- No. Oh.
Anyway, there is no
easy way to say this,
but you have a lump on
your left testicle.
I just want to biopsy it and
we can take it from there.
Take what from where?
Early detection would
have prevented this.
We really encourage regular self-exams.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, they're waiting for you
in the Roosevelt Room, ma'am.
- Thank you, Sue.
- Of course.
Selina, good news. We found
the missing Nevada ballots.
You won.