Veep (2012–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - B/ill - full transcript
Gary sets up a secret meeting with Dan and Amy to persuade them to lobby against Selina's bill.
- AMY: Hey, Gary. How you doing?
- Good. Good. Good.
So, he's not... This isn't yours?
- It's my nephew.
- Cute, I imagine.
I'll tell you what, kid. Here's a Jackson.
Go get yourself 10 sodas
and you never saw us.
Or just water. Just choose water.
- Wow! This is weird.
- AMY: Hmm.
It's been a long time
-since I've seen you guys. Wow.
- Mmm-hmm.
Did you see those pictures that I sent you?
No, I didn't, Gary.
And why the fuck are we here?
Okay, easy, easy. It's anonymous.
Just pretend like you're parents,
checking this place out.
- Paint something.
- I don't even paint my own nails, Gary.
A Vietnamese lady does that.
Talk or we leave.
It's the Families First bill.
It's a difficult time for the President.
Gary, I am very good at my job,
and even I can't get people to vote
for that heap of mystery meat.
It's not that. It's the opposite.
She wants it to go away.
So, Selina needs to lose the vote
and you want us to lobby
members of Congress under the wire.
I am so glad I left.
She has gone full Colonel Kurtz.
Is she giving orders from under the desk?
She doesn't even know about this, all right?
And she's not gonna know about this.
Okay, well, in that case,
I'm gonna say yes to this,
but for one reason only.
- Loyalty?
- Money.
Can't you just do this for Selina?
- No.
- Okay, well, I can't authorize that.
Well, get Ben to.
How'd you know Ben was involved?
- Okay.
- Because he's not.
- Right.
- This is getting completely out of hand.
No, no, it isn't.
We just accepted your proposal
and we'll be in touch with the figures.
Okay, all right. Thank you.
No, no, no. You want to blow our cover?
Nobody shakes hands in a craft shop.
You know, at least three of these kids
are probably mine.
Okay.
A big day for President Meyer
as her beleaguered Families First bill
faces the final vote. Will Congress...
- What are you doing?
- What?
Why are the flowers in front of it?
I can't see it if the flowers are there.
- Oh, God.
-(SNEEZING) Oh, God.
No, no, let me get that,
you sweet little invalid.
I'm not an invalid. I'm completely fine.
- These are empty.
- I don't know how I got this.
It's from meeting people, I guess.
God, Gary, I wish to Jesus that you had
gotten this flu instead of me.
Oh, my God, me, too. Me, too.
KENT: All right, here we go.
- Put it right there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa...
She needs to nap. She needs to nap.
And that is a Gary Walsh executive order.
- Duly noted.
- Gary, I'm completely fine, okay?
I'm just working from home today. My God.
Okay, coast is clear.
Two hundred and eleven
are voting against the bill.
Five undecided. And we've got three yeses
that we're working on
turning around into nos.
So, defeat is within our grasp.
MIKE: Ma'am.
SELINA: Yes?
Here's an iPad
-with that voice memo app I like.
- Oh.
There's also a cool tile game on here
if you want to play a game.
- A what? A tile?
- Which, of course, you don't want to play.
Is that Families First?
Yeah, it's really close,
but we're doing our best to lose it.
Can I just restate how difficult
me knowing this makes my job?
Which is already extremely difficult.
We have to lose the vote
to have a chance of winning the election.
We kill the bill, we end the criticism.
I'm the press secretary.
What I don't know, I can't lie about.
Including this, whatever this is.
Well, you don't need to lie about this.
We're asking people to vote yes.
We're doing what we should be doing.
We're just doing it badly.
(SNEEZING)
- Bless you.
-(SELINA GROANS)
I think I just sneezed up part of my pancreas.
Don't worry, Mike.
We have a team of our worst people on this.
Cazzelli, Lennox. The usual saps.
Jonah, Richard.
I didn't hear any of this
because the acoustics are so bad.
Sue, this is a test memo. Send memo.
- What is this?
-lt's a footstool.
Oh, yeah, I feel so much better.
JONAH: Sir, this is a great bill.
And sometimes it takes
a great man to see greatness.
Are you a great man?
Title four, section seven
negates the entire point of the legislation.
How did they write this thing?
Get drunk and tape crayons to their feet?
Well, what if I told you that was gone?
But it isn't gone, is it?
- No, sir, it's still there.
- But what if it was gone?
- Oh! That's a good point.
- Thank you.
And so you're the best
the White House has to offer?
- Yes, sir.
- Two giant children in their dads' suits.
Uh, sir, we have a folder
full of numbers here,
and I think you'll find these numbers
just to be great, great numbers.
Saying what?
- Uh, Richard, what do the numbers say?
- You haven't read the numbers.
We've glanced at the numbers, sir,
and at first glance, they are very compelling.
- You know where the door is.
- Sir, if there's anything...
Wait. You work for President Meyer.
You don't know where the door is.
I'll show you. It's over here.
Sir, you may or may not know
that I ran a multimillion-dollar website.
So if I can offer any web design or support...
Sir, can I ask you
how you're gonna vote today?
- No.
-ls that no as in I can't ask you or no as in...
GARY: Hey, Sue, have you seen my bag?
Whoa! What's going on?
This is my area.
She needs quiet. What's going on?
Put it right there in the corner. Thank you.
No, no, no. You can't do this.
You cannot do this.
SELINA: Sue, I need you to set up
an office outside the bedroom.
Okay. (LAUGHING)
You're not the only one who's important, Sue.
(CHUCKLES)
Gary. (COUGHING)
Can I have a hot water with lemon and honey?
See?
You should get on that, Gary.
Uh, I know.
So, Tom, how are you finding our President?
Oh, you know, presidential.
It's like she wants to run
the whole damn country.
You know what?
The last guy, he was the same way.
We agreed, if she's gonna stay president,
we have to do everything
we can to stop that bill.
So, are you?
You know, you just started
that last sentence with a "we"
and you finished it with a "you."
- Are you making progress?
- Yeah, I'm on it. I got Richard and Jonah...
Oh! Ben,
I don't need to know what you're doing.
- I just need to get it done.
-(DOOR OPENING)
Huge, huge fight. Even the bride got involved.
- No.
- Amazing.
There is nothing like a Boston wedding.
- Let me tell you that.
- Wow!
That was worryingly good, Tom.
I mean, that was some black belt jujitsu
bullshit right there.
KENT: I have to go. We'll take this up
in eight minutes' time.
- You are clear to go in.
- You can't go in there.
SELINA: Kent, you can come straight in.
If Gary tries to stop you, you can ignore him.
Well, I have a memo saying
that she needs rest.
- When was yours sent?
- When was yours sent?
I asked you first.
I'll have to check my phone.
Ma'am, I know it's difficult
when you're running the free world,
but you should really get some rest.
Yeah... (CLEARS THROAT)
Or maybe I can get a new doctor.
In which case, I'll just say
keep taking the fluids, ma'am.
Moyes is voting no. Good news...
For the other side.
- That's so bad.
- I know, I know.
- So bad.
- Yeah.
Have you heard about Moyes? It's incredible...
How short-sighted some people can be.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable, that's what we were saying.
- I'll check back on you later, ma'am.
- Okay, thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, congratulations, ma'am.
So great about Moyes.
We're now only four votes away
from killing your bill.
I feel like I'm captain of the Titanic
and I carved out the iceberg myself.
Okay, ma'am, I think you just need
to take a little power nap.
- You need to rest, okay?
- Yeah, I think maybe I'm gonna rest.
- Yeah, just rest your body.
- Yeah.
Ma'am, are you ready for your next meeting?
- SecDef is here.
- Okay, no. (CHUCKLES)
It's okay. I can sleep when I'm dead
in about an hour.
There is nothing good to be said
about Families First.
Not since Herod
has there been a piece of legislation
so damaging to average families.
Sir, if you want to help working families,
-this is not it.
- Mmm-mmm.
This is akin to carrying out heart surgery
-with a pair of spoons.
- Mmm-hmm.
I don't need to be ridden
by you two lobby horses
to know that this bill
is a waste of bowel space.
- Well, that's great.
-(CHUCKLES) Fantastic.
It is nice to meet somebody in politics
who knows what he's talking about
for a change.
Yeah, Congressman, I'm just gonna
leave you, now, with some numbers.
And, spoiler alert, they do not add up.
This is the same folder that Jonah Ryan had.
Wait, you met with Jonah Ryan?
Six-foot waxwork and his cuddly boyfriend?
- That would be him.
- So you don't work for the White House,
but you have the same numbers.
Well, now, I'm interested.
Now, I am deeply fucking interested.
We have the same Office Depot folder
as they do.
Call the Washington Post. I smell conspiracy.
Okay, sure, so why is this one shaking
like Elvis' leg?
You know, I'm starting to get the feeling
that Meyer wants her own bill to fail.
I think I've just re-boarded
the vote yes express.
Meyer is a stand-in president.
Don't you think it's time
we have someone who is qualified?
The President is qualified to be president
because she is president.
Does your party have a candidate
who is president?
- SELINA: I like that. (COUGHING)
- Thank you, ma'am.
And again, thank you for joining us.
Oh, you're welcome. Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
We need to discuss the color of tie
that Tom's gonna wear...
I'm sorry, ma'am. What was that? I didn't...
Oh. No, I was just sending a memo.
I didn't want to keep interrupting all the time.
That is very considerate. Thank you.
This is no way to run a civilized society.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
I believe... What is that?
It's a memo from the President.
Go ahead, it's not important.
It is important, Ben.
Every memo I send is important.
Send memo. Jesus.
BILL: I'm not getting any memos.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh! Now, lam.
SELINA: Go ahead, Tom.
Okay.
Well, Senator, to return to my...
And you've got to, um, be aggressive, though,
you know?
Man up here a little bit.
- Be aggressive?
- Yeah.
I'm starting to get really angry, Senator.
I'm starting to feel that you're not really
listening to me, Senator.
And I'm getting sick
of your constant interruptions.
What the fuck? Moyes is voting yes?
Moyes was 100% no.
Moyes is a no.
Ben, Moyes was supposed to be 100% no.
That's it. I'm throwing the debate.
You win, pretend opponent.
Wait a second, Kent had a list
who Jonah and Richard were seeing
and you had a list who
Dan and Amy were seeing?
Did you not think to compare the lists?
You know, I have another list,
and you're right at the top of it, Gary,
so don't you dare try to question
my fucking methods.
Well, I, on the other hand,
do dare to question your fucking methods.
Well, Kent and I were running
different parts of the operation.
So your people are going to see
the same people as Jonah and Richard?
One. One of the same people.
Oh, one. So one's okay.
We just let off one nuke at the Super Bowl.
Oh, so now, you want to micromanage
something that you didn't
even want to be involved in.
I don't want to manage it, but don't you think
we could maybe find
someone competent who could?
Okay, whatever it is, I don't need to know.
I'll tell you what's going on.
Jonah saw Moyes earlier today
and Dan and Amy have, too.
And, now, Moyes is onto us.
Why did you just tell me that?
This is so much worse for me.
I was the field agent
who gave Dan and Amy the mission.
I was the messenger. I could be shot.
Oh, this isn't about you, Gary.
Jesus, nothing here is ever about you.
I didn't hear any of this
'cause I have a really bad case of tinnitus,
especially when discussing
morally dubious things.
So, it's kind of like sinnitus.
But I'm implicated. I'm the linchpin.
I could go to jail!
-shut up!
-shut up!
No, you shut up. You shut up.
And I will also shut up first.
Sue! Sue, I need to see the President.
She's in with the joint chiefs, Gary.
ls it that important?
Listen, Sue, I'm involved with some stuff here.
Scary stuff, like,
take-it-to-your-grave kind of stuff.
And that's the... That's the way I like it.
Okay, well, she'll be out in five. Can it wait?
Yeah, no problem. No problem.
What if he checks our cover story?
Like, what if he informs Congress?
Dan, he's a congressman.
Congressmen never do anything
they say they're gonna do.
- How are you not freaking out about this?
-(BLUBBERS)
I'm kind of having fun.
I like having a cover story.
Makes me feel like a Charlie's Angel.
God, it was a rush!
Yeah, but you're a control freak,
and this whole thing is out of control,
so why aren't you freaking?
Relax. I'm finally having fun. Let me.
Jesus, you know,
I always thought the old Amy
was kind of an uptight bitch,
but now, I sort of miss her.
You know, if I was uptight,
I'd be offended by that.
In fact, I am offended.
You shouldn't call people bitches.
- You shouldn't do that anymore.
-(STARTS ENGINE)
Unless it's like (SING-SONGY)
"bitch" or something like that.
MAN 1: I'm sorry.
MAN 2: Excuse me.
Thank you for your service.
- BEN: How was the meeting, sir?
- Very productive.
(GARY GASPS)
It's like something out of a political cartoon.
What, you mean not funny?
(SIGHING) on, my God.
How the hell did Moyes end up on two lists?
I made it clear, Ben should run
all his list alterations past me.
No, no, mine was the master list.
Your list was a sub-list.
It was a sur-list, which means over-list.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Your earwax could bring down a president.
GARY: And I didn't even
want to see Dan and Amy.
And now they're expecting money.
- I didn't know that.
- Money? Money?
Gary, I said access only.
Yeah, now we're gonna have to divert funds
from the campaign, and that's fraud.
And then we're gonna have
to destroy the evidence,
and that's conspiracy to commit fraud.
- No, a cash trail is very fucking bad for us.
- Oh.
Hey, hold on there, Hunk of the Month.
If I'm going down, you're going down, too.
I don't know what this is about.
Good point. Dan and Amy.
They're getting paid cash
from the campaign fund
to bring down the bill.
There, you've been blooded.
So join the circle jerk. Grab a dick.
Wish I could hear what you were saying
-over that incessant drilling sound.
- What are you doing?
(SELINA COUGHING)
What cash'?
What Dan and Amy?
Ben's paying Dan and Amy
to lobby against the bill,
and now there's a cash trail
and we're all incriminated.
But you're not. (LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, now you are!
Well done. Now I feel a lot better.
Did you know, Tom?
Ma'am, I am as shocked as you are.
Shocked and disappointed, Ben.
Ma'am, Moyes is voting yes.
Ruiz is voting yes.
This comes down to one vote.
We need Congressman Pierce.
My future depends on that dumb fucking elf?
Jesus... Where is he?
OWEN: I'm so proud
of how brave you've been.
I was looking for some lotion,
but they didn't...
Hello, Congressman Pierce, Mrs. Pierce.
We are here from the White House
on behalf of the Families First bill.
Oh, yes.
Mom, the White House here to see me.
We need you to vote for the bill.
More importantly, the President needs you
to vote for the bill.
The President?
The President sent you here to talk to me?
She used sentences containing your name.
Okay, I'm in. I mean, yeah, absolutely.
- Fantastic!
- Mom, the President needs me to...
Oh, no, Joker and Penguin beat us to it.
Hey, guys. Uh, you're here just in time
to celebrate.
The congressman is going to vote yes
on the Families First bill.
It was a personal request
from the President, so...
Uh... Congressman, now,
while I respect your decision,
you do understand that the amendments
to this bill will negatively affect your district.
AMY: Hardworking families
don't want to support lazy ones.
- That's right.
- And your support will shrink
faster than a penis in the December Hudson.
- Really?
- You shit-eating cocksuckers.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Pierce.
How dare you come in here
and try to strong-arm a person when
he's sitting at his sick mother's bedside?
That's exactly what you just did, dumbass.
Don't tell me what I did or did not just do.
Could you guys please keep the noise down?
There's a lot of really sick people
on this floor.
Yes, there are. I see two very sick people.
Those two.
SUE: All right, ma'am,
I've just spoken to Amy.
Her and Dan are with Pierce
and his mom at the hospital.
- But there's been a holdup.
- Oh, God.
She's probably gonna die just to spite me.
That evil bitch.
And Richard and Jonah are there.
And I blame Kent and Bill for that.
Well, this is a long glass
of frozen strawberry fuckup.
GARY: Hey, listen, Ben,
you've got to do something.
I don't want to be a bagman
for the toughest guy in D block.
- All right, stop it, Gary.
- Okay, look, get Pierce here.
Okay? Right now. (COUGHING)
I'm gonna take control of this situation
that I don't know anything about, right?
Because I am the only one who seems to be...
(COUGHING)
Capable.
- Oh, God.
-(CONTINUES COUGHING)
ls it possible to stop coughing?
No!
- You are not taking him.
- His jittery ass is mine.
- Guys, I'm right here.
-l'm sorry, your jittery ass is the President's.
You shouldn't even be here, Jonah,
unless you're giving your brain to science.
I'm here on behalf of the President, Amy.
Do you remember her?
She's the woman that would have fired you
if you hadn't gone fucking Fukushima.
RICHARD: That's right, we're on a mission.
I am surprised the two of you even found
your way out of your own mothers' vaginas.
Oh, my God, dude, I got out of there
like I had a fucking map.
How about a little bit of consideration
for a dying woman?
Oh, I'm not dying. I'm just here for some tests.
Okay, pipe down. Wait, where's Pierce?
Wait, where's Amy?
JONAH: No, no, no, no! No, no. Ah!
- That's Amy.
- Shit!
- Oh, my...
- Yeah, what a shame.
We should use this finger to wipe your tears.
-(CAR BEEPS)
- Whoa...
No, no, no, no. Dan, get out of my car.
Look, you think I want to be in
this fucking Minecraft piece of shit?
I am an emissary of the President
and I demand that you get out of my car.
You colossal fucking fanny pack.
You don't get it, do you?
They only sent you 'cause they knew
that you would fuck it up.
You're so stupid, you don't even know
that you're being used for your stupidity.
That's bullshit, Dan. I can tell from your eyes
and because it's fucking bullshit.
- Where's Richard?
-(CAR HONKING)
This isn't fucking over, Egan.
- Just get in and drive, bitch.
- Okay.
-(HORN BLARING)
- DANI Shit.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- No, it's just a glitch.
- This is your car, right?
- Yep. See? Fixed it.
RICHARD: Okay.
DAN: You're backing up?
Just fucking go straight.
JONAH: I took a precision driving class, Dan.
I think I know what I'm doing.
Ma'am, we've lost Pierce. I'm sorry.
We should have hired Navy SEALs
instead of those two actual seals.
How do you lose a whole person?
- A cuff link I get, but not a person.
-(SELINA GROANS)
Aw...
(SELINA MUMBLING)
Okay.
She said she's losing her voice.
Just heard from a reporter who says
Moyes thinks the White House
-hired lobbyists to destroy its own bill.
-(GROANS)
- Oh, my God.
- Jesus.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
She said you fucked up, Ben.
And I'm mad as hell that you put
Gary in the shit. You need to get him out.
- KENT: She didn't say that, Gary.
- Yes, she did.
Gary, you're the one...
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
Everyone, shut your fucking holes!
The President is not sick.
-(SELINA MOANS)
- You guys are.
You're parasites.
You're like an infestation of mediocrity.
I don't care if you're
a 1950s radio broadcaster.
You're Fozzie Bear who's been ripped up
and used to smuggle heroin.
A Nazi doctor.
I don't even know what the fuck you are.
This is not about serving yourselves.
This is about serving the President.
So let's do that, shall we?
- Tom.
- Tom.
- SELINA: Shut up, Gary.
- Shut... Mmm-hmm.
I do the team talks, okay?
You're absolutely right, ma'am.
And I agree with everything you just said.
(STRAINING) So get it together, people!
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am.
Find Pierce.
Call NASA.
They've got to have a satellite
that can pinpoint a moron.
- BEN: Yes, ma'am.
-(COUGHS)
If you want to catch a fugitive,
you got to think like a fugitive.
- Where's he going?
- Uh, to the airport.
- Why would he be going to the airport?
- To catch a plane, Dan.
You know, you could just hit
the fucking gas, Jonah.
Dan, I'm not getting a ticket.
That's the kind of shit that comes back
to bite you when you run for office.
Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.
Okay, new rule in the Cube.
If your name begins with D,
you need to shut the fuck up immediately.
Oh, I'm fine
because my name begins with an R.
- Not if we shorten it to Dick.
-(SMACKS LIPS) Well, I mean...
- Oh! Uh, I think that's Amy.
- Where?
Jesus Christ, I'm in the back seat
and I can fucking see her.
Oh! Right there. Okay, fine.
- Congressman.
- Oh, well, this is freaky. (CHUCKLES)
Look, I'm not hiding, just so you know.
Okay, Congressman, time to exit
through the gift shop.
Okay, sir, you're gonna have to come with us.
Guys, my mom is too ill
to be left alone right now.
I mean, I left her alone right now
because she likes to read.
But she can't read right now
because she's very sick.
But she might get better.
Or she might not get better.
- She could be buried with a book.
- We know she's not dying.
- She's a fighter, is the thing.
- Good for her.
As weird as it feels to still be saying this,
the President would like to see you
at the White House.
(SNORTING)
(EXHALES)
I feel like I'm about to kick it old school
and die in office.
(COUGHING)
Quitting on a high.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing here?
I mean, this is a good bill.
Even watered down, I think it's gonna
make a difference in people's lives.
Ma'am, you're the President.
It's not for me to tell you what to do.
Yeah.
Guess I should kill it.
Is the right answer.
(SHIVERING)
I'm cold.
It's actually about 110 in here.
There's no way it's warm in here.
- Do you really feel warm?
- You could grow tomatoes in here.
Honestly, it is unbelievable.
Well, I can't make it cooler for you.
- AMY: Well, we're taking the credit.
- No, we're taking the credit.
How about a compromise?
We'll take all of the credit.
- Well, perhaps we could split the bounty?
- What bounty?
Well, I'm guessing there's no bounty, but...
Dan, Amy, how are you? I'll take it from here.
- I want to take in Pierce.
- No, no, no.
We are not going into the White House
and blowing our cover for this guy.
You can't come in.
That comes from the President.
- Well, she's a bitch.
- I'll tell her you said hi.
Hey, we got to get moving. Hey, you guys.
Long time no see.
Jesus, Mike, they got you involved in this?
You're the fucking press secretary.
Thank you. That's what I've been saying.
I have no wish to be embroiled in this either.
It doesn't sit well with my policy
of plausible deniability.
- Let's get going. I'll see you around.
- Yeah.
And by that, I mean
please stay away from me.
See you later, ghosts of staffers past.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Madam President,
I brought you Congressman Pierce.
Uh, I've brought him also, ma'am.
Richard Splett.
She already knows who you are. You can go.
You can go.
- No, no, no. Not you. Not you.
- Just me.
(HOARSELY) We're such big fans.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Thank you, Madam President.
I am here to serve.
How can I... How can I help?
The President needs you
to do something for her.
And in exchange, she feels that
-you deserve a better job.
- Yes.
- Uh...
- Thank you.
Ambassador, perhaps. How does that sound?
Ambassador? Me?
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
- Not what I was expecting.
-(ALL CHUCKLE)
- What's your favorite city?
- Dallas.
I love Dallas, Texas.
No, it'd have to be a foreign city.
Oh, of course. Ambassador. Right.
Um, well, Paris, right?
♪ adore Paris. I've never been,
but it looks amazing.
- No.
- No, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh! Of course.
- Do you have another...
Well, I love Australia. Down under.
And the President needs you
to vote no on tonight's bill.
(LAUGHING) Are you guys...
Are you... Are you serious?
Okay, the President, she wants me
to vote against her bill?
- Am I being stupid here?
-(SOFTLY) Yes.
Yes.
No. I mean, you're... No, you're not being...
But, yes, you need to vote no.
Okay, like it, love it.
Don't get it, but it's all right.
I just want to help.
But, yeah, just let me know where I'm going.
- You need to know now?
- Yeah, that would be great.
What'd you say, ma'am?
Mmm-hmm.
Her voice is gone.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Was... Was she able to say where I'm going?
My posting?
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
You can have Paris.
- What?
- I can have Paris?
TOM: No, no, no.
Thank you. Paris.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Don't forget to vote, all right?
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
- No. No.
- No, no. I mean, yes, I'm voting no.
(SELINA SNORTING)
It's an honor.
No, ma'am, Pierce went to vote.
And then he thinks he's off to Paris.
(COUGHING) I said... I said no to Paris.
We'll call him after the vote,
tell him it's Mogadishu.
MIKE: He literally could have said anything.
For a moment, Gary was
the most powerful person in the world.
- Oh!
- That's hilarious. Get me some soup.
Yep.
(GASPS) Uh-oh.
MAN: The question is, will the House
pass the bill as amended?
- This is a 15-minute vote.
-(GAVEL BANGS)
Oh, my God.
My ass is killing me from that shot.
But I feel pretty good.
Really?
Ma'am.
What?
Oh, boy. Here we go.
It's like I want my baby to live.
I don't want my baby to die.
Maybe think of it more of as a bill,
-which in a very real way is what it is.
- Hmm.
JIM: There's Pierce.
He even walks dumb.
Every time I see him, I hear circus music.
Come on, Owen.
It's your time to shine, you dim fucking bulb.
He voted no. We lost the vote.
- We are victorious in defeat.
-(ALL SIGH)
We may allow ourselves
a brief period of rejoicing.
Okay, so I lost the vote.
I won by not winning.
God, I don't know how I feel.
Apart from, like, having a raccoon
take a shit in my head.
You should feel great, ma'am.
That was a solid, important defeat.
I'm gonna go change my clothes,
croak to the nation,
and then I'm going back to bed.
This is good.
Moyes is threatening to go to the floor
for an official investigation
into what happened today.
- This is bad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I'm in the middle of this.
Does this mean I'm implicated, too?
You know what, just say no even if it does.
Well, Gary, you said you were important.
I can testify to that.
Ben, this is one of those little hiccups
that you said was not gonna happen,
so I'm gonna leave this
in your capable hands.
Mike, you have to deny this
like you've never denied anything before.
So lie? The one thing
I've been trying not to do?
Look, I wouldn't ask you to do anything
I wouldn't do myself.
And while that isn't true,
find some comfort in it.
(EXHALES)
- SUE: Okay, Gary?
- Nope.
I will work on putting
forward a new, streamlined
Families First bill before
Congress in the near future.
She sounds like an underwater Bob Dylan.
It is actually quite difficult to understand
what she's saying.
...children from impending
climate Armageddon.
Which may be a good thing.
And God bless America.
MAN: And we're out.
(EXHALES)
Thank you, ma'am.
Okay...
Oh! Okay, thank you very much, guys.
Appreciate it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ooh! It's cold.
You think you could, um, just pick
this shit up tomorrow?
WOMAN: Ma'am.
MAN: Yes, ma'am.
Oh, God.
(GROANS)
Fuck you, America.
(VOICE MAIL)
You have 14 new voice memos.
Oh, my God.
SELINA: Mike, some old golfer died.
Do I need to say something?
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Kent, I just got your document.
I have no idea what any of this means.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Okay, Kent. I just found the glossary,
so ignore that last message.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Kent, I just read the glossary.
I have no idea what any of it means.
That's why I included the second glossary.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Mike, is it pissing you off
I'm leaving all these messages?
- Yes.
-(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Good, 'cause it's pissing me off
you're not answering any of these messages.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
(SELINA SNORING ON PHONE)
How do you leave a memo in your sleep?
- See you.
-(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Mike, were you at work today?
I don't remember seeing you.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Ben, Moyes is asking questions.
This isn't gonna lead to any kind of
an investigation, is it?
(VOICE MAIL) Memo deleted.
I fucking hope not.
Do you solemnly swear the testimony you are
about to give is the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
So help me God.
- Yes.
- I do.
- I do.
- I do.
- Yes, I do.
- Absolutely.
- Good. Good. Good.
So, he's not... This isn't yours?
- It's my nephew.
- Cute, I imagine.
I'll tell you what, kid. Here's a Jackson.
Go get yourself 10 sodas
and you never saw us.
Or just water. Just choose water.
- Wow! This is weird.
- AMY: Hmm.
It's been a long time
-since I've seen you guys. Wow.
- Mmm-hmm.
Did you see those pictures that I sent you?
No, I didn't, Gary.
And why the fuck are we here?
Okay, easy, easy. It's anonymous.
Just pretend like you're parents,
checking this place out.
- Paint something.
- I don't even paint my own nails, Gary.
A Vietnamese lady does that.
Talk or we leave.
It's the Families First bill.
It's a difficult time for the President.
Gary, I am very good at my job,
and even I can't get people to vote
for that heap of mystery meat.
It's not that. It's the opposite.
She wants it to go away.
So, Selina needs to lose the vote
and you want us to lobby
members of Congress under the wire.
I am so glad I left.
She has gone full Colonel Kurtz.
Is she giving orders from under the desk?
She doesn't even know about this, all right?
And she's not gonna know about this.
Okay, well, in that case,
I'm gonna say yes to this,
but for one reason only.
- Loyalty?
- Money.
Can't you just do this for Selina?
- No.
- Okay, well, I can't authorize that.
Well, get Ben to.
How'd you know Ben was involved?
- Okay.
- Because he's not.
- Right.
- This is getting completely out of hand.
No, no, it isn't.
We just accepted your proposal
and we'll be in touch with the figures.
Okay, all right. Thank you.
No, no, no. You want to blow our cover?
Nobody shakes hands in a craft shop.
You know, at least three of these kids
are probably mine.
Okay.
A big day for President Meyer
as her beleaguered Families First bill
faces the final vote. Will Congress...
- What are you doing?
- What?
Why are the flowers in front of it?
I can't see it if the flowers are there.
- Oh, God.
-(SNEEZING) Oh, God.
No, no, let me get that,
you sweet little invalid.
I'm not an invalid. I'm completely fine.
- These are empty.
- I don't know how I got this.
It's from meeting people, I guess.
God, Gary, I wish to Jesus that you had
gotten this flu instead of me.
Oh, my God, me, too. Me, too.
KENT: All right, here we go.
- Put it right there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa...
She needs to nap. She needs to nap.
And that is a Gary Walsh executive order.
- Duly noted.
- Gary, I'm completely fine, okay?
I'm just working from home today. My God.
Okay, coast is clear.
Two hundred and eleven
are voting against the bill.
Five undecided. And we've got three yeses
that we're working on
turning around into nos.
So, defeat is within our grasp.
MIKE: Ma'am.
SELINA: Yes?
Here's an iPad
-with that voice memo app I like.
- Oh.
There's also a cool tile game on here
if you want to play a game.
- A what? A tile?
- Which, of course, you don't want to play.
Is that Families First?
Yeah, it's really close,
but we're doing our best to lose it.
Can I just restate how difficult
me knowing this makes my job?
Which is already extremely difficult.
We have to lose the vote
to have a chance of winning the election.
We kill the bill, we end the criticism.
I'm the press secretary.
What I don't know, I can't lie about.
Including this, whatever this is.
Well, you don't need to lie about this.
We're asking people to vote yes.
We're doing what we should be doing.
We're just doing it badly.
(SNEEZING)
- Bless you.
-(SELINA GROANS)
I think I just sneezed up part of my pancreas.
Don't worry, Mike.
We have a team of our worst people on this.
Cazzelli, Lennox. The usual saps.
Jonah, Richard.
I didn't hear any of this
because the acoustics are so bad.
Sue, this is a test memo. Send memo.
- What is this?
-lt's a footstool.
Oh, yeah, I feel so much better.
JONAH: Sir, this is a great bill.
And sometimes it takes
a great man to see greatness.
Are you a great man?
Title four, section seven
negates the entire point of the legislation.
How did they write this thing?
Get drunk and tape crayons to their feet?
Well, what if I told you that was gone?
But it isn't gone, is it?
- No, sir, it's still there.
- But what if it was gone?
- Oh! That's a good point.
- Thank you.
And so you're the best
the White House has to offer?
- Yes, sir.
- Two giant children in their dads' suits.
Uh, sir, we have a folder
full of numbers here,
and I think you'll find these numbers
just to be great, great numbers.
Saying what?
- Uh, Richard, what do the numbers say?
- You haven't read the numbers.
We've glanced at the numbers, sir,
and at first glance, they are very compelling.
- You know where the door is.
- Sir, if there's anything...
Wait. You work for President Meyer.
You don't know where the door is.
I'll show you. It's over here.
Sir, you may or may not know
that I ran a multimillion-dollar website.
So if I can offer any web design or support...
Sir, can I ask you
how you're gonna vote today?
- No.
-ls that no as in I can't ask you or no as in...
GARY: Hey, Sue, have you seen my bag?
Whoa! What's going on?
This is my area.
She needs quiet. What's going on?
Put it right there in the corner. Thank you.
No, no, no. You can't do this.
You cannot do this.
SELINA: Sue, I need you to set up
an office outside the bedroom.
Okay. (LAUGHING)
You're not the only one who's important, Sue.
(CHUCKLES)
Gary. (COUGHING)
Can I have a hot water with lemon and honey?
See?
You should get on that, Gary.
Uh, I know.
So, Tom, how are you finding our President?
Oh, you know, presidential.
It's like she wants to run
the whole damn country.
You know what?
The last guy, he was the same way.
We agreed, if she's gonna stay president,
we have to do everything
we can to stop that bill.
So, are you?
You know, you just started
that last sentence with a "we"
and you finished it with a "you."
- Are you making progress?
- Yeah, I'm on it. I got Richard and Jonah...
Oh! Ben,
I don't need to know what you're doing.
- I just need to get it done.
-(DOOR OPENING)
Huge, huge fight. Even the bride got involved.
- No.
- Amazing.
There is nothing like a Boston wedding.
- Let me tell you that.
- Wow!
That was worryingly good, Tom.
I mean, that was some black belt jujitsu
bullshit right there.
KENT: I have to go. We'll take this up
in eight minutes' time.
- You are clear to go in.
- You can't go in there.
SELINA: Kent, you can come straight in.
If Gary tries to stop you, you can ignore him.
Well, I have a memo saying
that she needs rest.
- When was yours sent?
- When was yours sent?
I asked you first.
I'll have to check my phone.
Ma'am, I know it's difficult
when you're running the free world,
but you should really get some rest.
Yeah... (CLEARS THROAT)
Or maybe I can get a new doctor.
In which case, I'll just say
keep taking the fluids, ma'am.
Moyes is voting no. Good news...
For the other side.
- That's so bad.
- I know, I know.
- So bad.
- Yeah.
Have you heard about Moyes? It's incredible...
How short-sighted some people can be.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable, that's what we were saying.
- I'll check back on you later, ma'am.
- Okay, thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, congratulations, ma'am.
So great about Moyes.
We're now only four votes away
from killing your bill.
I feel like I'm captain of the Titanic
and I carved out the iceberg myself.
Okay, ma'am, I think you just need
to take a little power nap.
- You need to rest, okay?
- Yeah, I think maybe I'm gonna rest.
- Yeah, just rest your body.
- Yeah.
Ma'am, are you ready for your next meeting?
- SecDef is here.
- Okay, no. (CHUCKLES)
It's okay. I can sleep when I'm dead
in about an hour.
There is nothing good to be said
about Families First.
Not since Herod
has there been a piece of legislation
so damaging to average families.
Sir, if you want to help working families,
-this is not it.
- Mmm-mmm.
This is akin to carrying out heart surgery
-with a pair of spoons.
- Mmm-hmm.
I don't need to be ridden
by you two lobby horses
to know that this bill
is a waste of bowel space.
- Well, that's great.
-(CHUCKLES) Fantastic.
It is nice to meet somebody in politics
who knows what he's talking about
for a change.
Yeah, Congressman, I'm just gonna
leave you, now, with some numbers.
And, spoiler alert, they do not add up.
This is the same folder that Jonah Ryan had.
Wait, you met with Jonah Ryan?
Six-foot waxwork and his cuddly boyfriend?
- That would be him.
- So you don't work for the White House,
but you have the same numbers.
Well, now, I'm interested.
Now, I am deeply fucking interested.
We have the same Office Depot folder
as they do.
Call the Washington Post. I smell conspiracy.
Okay, sure, so why is this one shaking
like Elvis' leg?
You know, I'm starting to get the feeling
that Meyer wants her own bill to fail.
I think I've just re-boarded
the vote yes express.
Meyer is a stand-in president.
Don't you think it's time
we have someone who is qualified?
The President is qualified to be president
because she is president.
Does your party have a candidate
who is president?
- SELINA: I like that. (COUGHING)
- Thank you, ma'am.
And again, thank you for joining us.
Oh, you're welcome. Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
We need to discuss the color of tie
that Tom's gonna wear...
I'm sorry, ma'am. What was that? I didn't...
Oh. No, I was just sending a memo.
I didn't want to keep interrupting all the time.
That is very considerate. Thank you.
This is no way to run a civilized society.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
I believe... What is that?
It's a memo from the President.
Go ahead, it's not important.
It is important, Ben.
Every memo I send is important.
Send memo. Jesus.
BILL: I'm not getting any memos.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh! Now, lam.
SELINA: Go ahead, Tom.
Okay.
Well, Senator, to return to my...
And you've got to, um, be aggressive, though,
you know?
Man up here a little bit.
- Be aggressive?
- Yeah.
I'm starting to get really angry, Senator.
I'm starting to feel that you're not really
listening to me, Senator.
And I'm getting sick
of your constant interruptions.
What the fuck? Moyes is voting yes?
Moyes was 100% no.
Moyes is a no.
Ben, Moyes was supposed to be 100% no.
That's it. I'm throwing the debate.
You win, pretend opponent.
Wait a second, Kent had a list
who Jonah and Richard were seeing
and you had a list who
Dan and Amy were seeing?
Did you not think to compare the lists?
You know, I have another list,
and you're right at the top of it, Gary,
so don't you dare try to question
my fucking methods.
Well, I, on the other hand,
do dare to question your fucking methods.
Well, Kent and I were running
different parts of the operation.
So your people are going to see
the same people as Jonah and Richard?
One. One of the same people.
Oh, one. So one's okay.
We just let off one nuke at the Super Bowl.
Oh, so now, you want to micromanage
something that you didn't
even want to be involved in.
I don't want to manage it, but don't you think
we could maybe find
someone competent who could?
Okay, whatever it is, I don't need to know.
I'll tell you what's going on.
Jonah saw Moyes earlier today
and Dan and Amy have, too.
And, now, Moyes is onto us.
Why did you just tell me that?
This is so much worse for me.
I was the field agent
who gave Dan and Amy the mission.
I was the messenger. I could be shot.
Oh, this isn't about you, Gary.
Jesus, nothing here is ever about you.
I didn't hear any of this
'cause I have a really bad case of tinnitus,
especially when discussing
morally dubious things.
So, it's kind of like sinnitus.
But I'm implicated. I'm the linchpin.
I could go to jail!
-shut up!
-shut up!
No, you shut up. You shut up.
And I will also shut up first.
Sue! Sue, I need to see the President.
She's in with the joint chiefs, Gary.
ls it that important?
Listen, Sue, I'm involved with some stuff here.
Scary stuff, like,
take-it-to-your-grave kind of stuff.
And that's the... That's the way I like it.
Okay, well, she'll be out in five. Can it wait?
Yeah, no problem. No problem.
What if he checks our cover story?
Like, what if he informs Congress?
Dan, he's a congressman.
Congressmen never do anything
they say they're gonna do.
- How are you not freaking out about this?
-(BLUBBERS)
I'm kind of having fun.
I like having a cover story.
Makes me feel like a Charlie's Angel.
God, it was a rush!
Yeah, but you're a control freak,
and this whole thing is out of control,
so why aren't you freaking?
Relax. I'm finally having fun. Let me.
Jesus, you know,
I always thought the old Amy
was kind of an uptight bitch,
but now, I sort of miss her.
You know, if I was uptight,
I'd be offended by that.
In fact, I am offended.
You shouldn't call people bitches.
- You shouldn't do that anymore.
-(STARTS ENGINE)
Unless it's like (SING-SONGY)
"bitch" or something like that.
MAN 1: I'm sorry.
MAN 2: Excuse me.
Thank you for your service.
- BEN: How was the meeting, sir?
- Very productive.
(GARY GASPS)
It's like something out of a political cartoon.
What, you mean not funny?
(SIGHING) on, my God.
How the hell did Moyes end up on two lists?
I made it clear, Ben should run
all his list alterations past me.
No, no, mine was the master list.
Your list was a sub-list.
It was a sur-list, which means over-list.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Your earwax could bring down a president.
GARY: And I didn't even
want to see Dan and Amy.
And now they're expecting money.
- I didn't know that.
- Money? Money?
Gary, I said access only.
Yeah, now we're gonna have to divert funds
from the campaign, and that's fraud.
And then we're gonna have
to destroy the evidence,
and that's conspiracy to commit fraud.
- No, a cash trail is very fucking bad for us.
- Oh.
Hey, hold on there, Hunk of the Month.
If I'm going down, you're going down, too.
I don't know what this is about.
Good point. Dan and Amy.
They're getting paid cash
from the campaign fund
to bring down the bill.
There, you've been blooded.
So join the circle jerk. Grab a dick.
Wish I could hear what you were saying
-over that incessant drilling sound.
- What are you doing?
(SELINA COUGHING)
What cash'?
What Dan and Amy?
Ben's paying Dan and Amy
to lobby against the bill,
and now there's a cash trail
and we're all incriminated.
But you're not. (LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, now you are!
Well done. Now I feel a lot better.
Did you know, Tom?
Ma'am, I am as shocked as you are.
Shocked and disappointed, Ben.
Ma'am, Moyes is voting yes.
Ruiz is voting yes.
This comes down to one vote.
We need Congressman Pierce.
My future depends on that dumb fucking elf?
Jesus... Where is he?
OWEN: I'm so proud
of how brave you've been.
I was looking for some lotion,
but they didn't...
Hello, Congressman Pierce, Mrs. Pierce.
We are here from the White House
on behalf of the Families First bill.
Oh, yes.
Mom, the White House here to see me.
We need you to vote for the bill.
More importantly, the President needs you
to vote for the bill.
The President?
The President sent you here to talk to me?
She used sentences containing your name.
Okay, I'm in. I mean, yeah, absolutely.
- Fantastic!
- Mom, the President needs me to...
Oh, no, Joker and Penguin beat us to it.
Hey, guys. Uh, you're here just in time
to celebrate.
The congressman is going to vote yes
on the Families First bill.
It was a personal request
from the President, so...
Uh... Congressman, now,
while I respect your decision,
you do understand that the amendments
to this bill will negatively affect your district.
AMY: Hardworking families
don't want to support lazy ones.
- That's right.
- And your support will shrink
faster than a penis in the December Hudson.
- Really?
- You shit-eating cocksuckers.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Pierce.
How dare you come in here
and try to strong-arm a person when
he's sitting at his sick mother's bedside?
That's exactly what you just did, dumbass.
Don't tell me what I did or did not just do.
Could you guys please keep the noise down?
There's a lot of really sick people
on this floor.
Yes, there are. I see two very sick people.
Those two.
SUE: All right, ma'am,
I've just spoken to Amy.
Her and Dan are with Pierce
and his mom at the hospital.
- But there's been a holdup.
- Oh, God.
She's probably gonna die just to spite me.
That evil bitch.
And Richard and Jonah are there.
And I blame Kent and Bill for that.
Well, this is a long glass
of frozen strawberry fuckup.
GARY: Hey, listen, Ben,
you've got to do something.
I don't want to be a bagman
for the toughest guy in D block.
- All right, stop it, Gary.
- Okay, look, get Pierce here.
Okay? Right now. (COUGHING)
I'm gonna take control of this situation
that I don't know anything about, right?
Because I am the only one who seems to be...
(COUGHING)
Capable.
- Oh, God.
-(CONTINUES COUGHING)
ls it possible to stop coughing?
No!
- You are not taking him.
- His jittery ass is mine.
- Guys, I'm right here.
-l'm sorry, your jittery ass is the President's.
You shouldn't even be here, Jonah,
unless you're giving your brain to science.
I'm here on behalf of the President, Amy.
Do you remember her?
She's the woman that would have fired you
if you hadn't gone fucking Fukushima.
RICHARD: That's right, we're on a mission.
I am surprised the two of you even found
your way out of your own mothers' vaginas.
Oh, my God, dude, I got out of there
like I had a fucking map.
How about a little bit of consideration
for a dying woman?
Oh, I'm not dying. I'm just here for some tests.
Okay, pipe down. Wait, where's Pierce?
Wait, where's Amy?
JONAH: No, no, no, no! No, no. Ah!
- That's Amy.
- Shit!
- Oh, my...
- Yeah, what a shame.
We should use this finger to wipe your tears.
-(CAR BEEPS)
- Whoa...
No, no, no, no. Dan, get out of my car.
Look, you think I want to be in
this fucking Minecraft piece of shit?
I am an emissary of the President
and I demand that you get out of my car.
You colossal fucking fanny pack.
You don't get it, do you?
They only sent you 'cause they knew
that you would fuck it up.
You're so stupid, you don't even know
that you're being used for your stupidity.
That's bullshit, Dan. I can tell from your eyes
and because it's fucking bullshit.
- Where's Richard?
-(CAR HONKING)
This isn't fucking over, Egan.
- Just get in and drive, bitch.
- Okay.
-(HORN BLARING)
- DANI Shit.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- No, it's just a glitch.
- This is your car, right?
- Yep. See? Fixed it.
RICHARD: Okay.
DAN: You're backing up?
Just fucking go straight.
JONAH: I took a precision driving class, Dan.
I think I know what I'm doing.
Ma'am, we've lost Pierce. I'm sorry.
We should have hired Navy SEALs
instead of those two actual seals.
How do you lose a whole person?
- A cuff link I get, but not a person.
-(SELINA GROANS)
Aw...
(SELINA MUMBLING)
Okay.
She said she's losing her voice.
Just heard from a reporter who says
Moyes thinks the White House
-hired lobbyists to destroy its own bill.
-(GROANS)
- Oh, my God.
- Jesus.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
She said you fucked up, Ben.
And I'm mad as hell that you put
Gary in the shit. You need to get him out.
- KENT: She didn't say that, Gary.
- Yes, she did.
Gary, you're the one...
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
Everyone, shut your fucking holes!
The President is not sick.
-(SELINA MOANS)
- You guys are.
You're parasites.
You're like an infestation of mediocrity.
I don't care if you're
a 1950s radio broadcaster.
You're Fozzie Bear who's been ripped up
and used to smuggle heroin.
A Nazi doctor.
I don't even know what the fuck you are.
This is not about serving yourselves.
This is about serving the President.
So let's do that, shall we?
- Tom.
- Tom.
- SELINA: Shut up, Gary.
- Shut... Mmm-hmm.
I do the team talks, okay?
You're absolutely right, ma'am.
And I agree with everything you just said.
(STRAINING) So get it together, people!
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am.
Find Pierce.
Call NASA.
They've got to have a satellite
that can pinpoint a moron.
- BEN: Yes, ma'am.
-(COUGHS)
If you want to catch a fugitive,
you got to think like a fugitive.
- Where's he going?
- Uh, to the airport.
- Why would he be going to the airport?
- To catch a plane, Dan.
You know, you could just hit
the fucking gas, Jonah.
Dan, I'm not getting a ticket.
That's the kind of shit that comes back
to bite you when you run for office.
Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.
Okay, new rule in the Cube.
If your name begins with D,
you need to shut the fuck up immediately.
Oh, I'm fine
because my name begins with an R.
- Not if we shorten it to Dick.
-(SMACKS LIPS) Well, I mean...
- Oh! Uh, I think that's Amy.
- Where?
Jesus Christ, I'm in the back seat
and I can fucking see her.
Oh! Right there. Okay, fine.
- Congressman.
- Oh, well, this is freaky. (CHUCKLES)
Look, I'm not hiding, just so you know.
Okay, Congressman, time to exit
through the gift shop.
Okay, sir, you're gonna have to come with us.
Guys, my mom is too ill
to be left alone right now.
I mean, I left her alone right now
because she likes to read.
But she can't read right now
because she's very sick.
But she might get better.
Or she might not get better.
- She could be buried with a book.
- We know she's not dying.
- She's a fighter, is the thing.
- Good for her.
As weird as it feels to still be saying this,
the President would like to see you
at the White House.
(SNORTING)
(EXHALES)
I feel like I'm about to kick it old school
and die in office.
(COUGHING)
Quitting on a high.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing here?
I mean, this is a good bill.
Even watered down, I think it's gonna
make a difference in people's lives.
Ma'am, you're the President.
It's not for me to tell you what to do.
Yeah.
Guess I should kill it.
Is the right answer.
(SHIVERING)
I'm cold.
It's actually about 110 in here.
There's no way it's warm in here.
- Do you really feel warm?
- You could grow tomatoes in here.
Honestly, it is unbelievable.
Well, I can't make it cooler for you.
- AMY: Well, we're taking the credit.
- No, we're taking the credit.
How about a compromise?
We'll take all of the credit.
- Well, perhaps we could split the bounty?
- What bounty?
Well, I'm guessing there's no bounty, but...
Dan, Amy, how are you? I'll take it from here.
- I want to take in Pierce.
- No, no, no.
We are not going into the White House
and blowing our cover for this guy.
You can't come in.
That comes from the President.
- Well, she's a bitch.
- I'll tell her you said hi.
Hey, we got to get moving. Hey, you guys.
Long time no see.
Jesus, Mike, they got you involved in this?
You're the fucking press secretary.
Thank you. That's what I've been saying.
I have no wish to be embroiled in this either.
It doesn't sit well with my policy
of plausible deniability.
- Let's get going. I'll see you around.
- Yeah.
And by that, I mean
please stay away from me.
See you later, ghosts of staffers past.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Madam President,
I brought you Congressman Pierce.
Uh, I've brought him also, ma'am.
Richard Splett.
She already knows who you are. You can go.
You can go.
- No, no, no. Not you. Not you.
- Just me.
(HOARSELY) We're such big fans.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Thank you, Madam President.
I am here to serve.
How can I... How can I help?
The President needs you
to do something for her.
And in exchange, she feels that
-you deserve a better job.
- Yes.
- Uh...
- Thank you.
Ambassador, perhaps. How does that sound?
Ambassador? Me?
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
- Not what I was expecting.
-(ALL CHUCKLE)
- What's your favorite city?
- Dallas.
I love Dallas, Texas.
No, it'd have to be a foreign city.
Oh, of course. Ambassador. Right.
Um, well, Paris, right?
♪ adore Paris. I've never been,
but it looks amazing.
- No.
- No, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh! Of course.
- Do you have another...
Well, I love Australia. Down under.
And the President needs you
to vote no on tonight's bill.
(LAUGHING) Are you guys...
Are you... Are you serious?
Okay, the President, she wants me
to vote against her bill?
- Am I being stupid here?
-(SOFTLY) Yes.
Yes.
No. I mean, you're... No, you're not being...
But, yes, you need to vote no.
Okay, like it, love it.
Don't get it, but it's all right.
I just want to help.
But, yeah, just let me know where I'm going.
- You need to know now?
- Yeah, that would be great.
What'd you say, ma'am?
Mmm-hmm.
Her voice is gone.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Was... Was she able to say where I'm going?
My posting?
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
You can have Paris.
- What?
- I can have Paris?
TOM: No, no, no.
Thank you. Paris.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Don't forget to vote, all right?
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
- No. No.
- No, no. I mean, yes, I'm voting no.
(SELINA SNORTING)
It's an honor.
No, ma'am, Pierce went to vote.
And then he thinks he's off to Paris.
(COUGHING) I said... I said no to Paris.
We'll call him after the vote,
tell him it's Mogadishu.
MIKE: He literally could have said anything.
For a moment, Gary was
the most powerful person in the world.
- Oh!
- That's hilarious. Get me some soup.
Yep.
(GASPS) Uh-oh.
MAN: The question is, will the House
pass the bill as amended?
- This is a 15-minute vote.
-(GAVEL BANGS)
Oh, my God.
My ass is killing me from that shot.
But I feel pretty good.
Really?
Ma'am.
What?
Oh, boy. Here we go.
It's like I want my baby to live.
I don't want my baby to die.
Maybe think of it more of as a bill,
-which in a very real way is what it is.
- Hmm.
JIM: There's Pierce.
He even walks dumb.
Every time I see him, I hear circus music.
Come on, Owen.
It's your time to shine, you dim fucking bulb.
He voted no. We lost the vote.
- We are victorious in defeat.
-(ALL SIGH)
We may allow ourselves
a brief period of rejoicing.
Okay, so I lost the vote.
I won by not winning.
God, I don't know how I feel.
Apart from, like, having a raccoon
take a shit in my head.
You should feel great, ma'am.
That was a solid, important defeat.
I'm gonna go change my clothes,
croak to the nation,
and then I'm going back to bed.
This is good.
Moyes is threatening to go to the floor
for an official investigation
into what happened today.
- This is bad.
- Mmm-hmm.
I'm in the middle of this.
Does this mean I'm implicated, too?
You know what, just say no even if it does.
Well, Gary, you said you were important.
I can testify to that.
Ben, this is one of those little hiccups
that you said was not gonna happen,
so I'm gonna leave this
in your capable hands.
Mike, you have to deny this
like you've never denied anything before.
So lie? The one thing
I've been trying not to do?
Look, I wouldn't ask you to do anything
I wouldn't do myself.
And while that isn't true,
find some comfort in it.
(EXHALES)
- SUE: Okay, Gary?
- Nope.
I will work on putting
forward a new, streamlined
Families First bill before
Congress in the near future.
She sounds like an underwater Bob Dylan.
It is actually quite difficult to understand
what she's saying.
...children from impending
climate Armageddon.
Which may be a good thing.
And God bless America.
MAN: And we're out.
(EXHALES)
Thank you, ma'am.
Okay...
Oh! Okay, thank you very much, guys.
Appreciate it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ooh! It's cold.
You think you could, um, just pick
this shit up tomorrow?
WOMAN: Ma'am.
MAN: Yes, ma'am.
Oh, God.
(GROANS)
Fuck you, America.
(VOICE MAIL)
You have 14 new voice memos.
Oh, my God.
SELINA: Mike, some old golfer died.
Do I need to say something?
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Kent, I just got your document.
I have no idea what any of this means.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Okay, Kent. I just found the glossary,
so ignore that last message.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Kent, I just read the glossary.
I have no idea what any of it means.
That's why I included the second glossary.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Mike, is it pissing you off
I'm leaving all these messages?
- Yes.
-(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Good, 'cause it's pissing me off
you're not answering any of these messages.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
(SELINA SNORING ON PHONE)
How do you leave a memo in your sleep?
- See you.
-(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Mike, were you at work today?
I don't remember seeing you.
(VOICE MAIL) Next memo.
SELINA: Ben, Moyes is asking questions.
This isn't gonna lead to any kind of
an investigation, is it?
(VOICE MAIL) Memo deleted.
I fucking hope not.
Do you solemnly swear the testimony you are
about to give is the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
So help me God.
- Yes.
- I do.
- I do.
- I do.
- Yes, I do.
- Absolutely.