Veep (2012–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Mommy Meyer - full transcript

As the voice and face of the administration, Mike begins to feel the pressure in his role, while Selena and her advisors experience the reality of living and working within the White House. Tom James once again shows his political acumen whilst campaigning, while Jonah once again proves his inaptness during the same event. Friday night drinks reveal certain uncomfortable truths from both the men in the West Wing, and women in the Residence.

Please don't make me go to work today.
I'll fake my own death.

You don't have the cheekbones
for depression. What's the matter?

- The workload, the spotlight.
- Mmm-hmm.

Getting hammered on the Families First bill.

People hate that thing.

Yeah, it's falling apart
like a punched wedding cake.

And the President wants me to start getting
the media calling it the "Meyer bill,"

but they've decided to call it
the "Mommy Meyer bill."

- My job is impossible.
- Mmm-hmm.

Take this fork,
stab me right here in the carotid.

You are the most influential Mike person

-in the world.

The President won her first debate
thanks to you.

Guess what? There's two more.
And the next one's foreign policy.

That's basically a quiz on the entire world.

- How do I prep for that?
- Listen to me.

You're gonna shake it off, all right?

Stiff upper lip. Put on a happy face.

And have the best day of your life.

Thank you for the pep talk.

I'll see you... Oh, shit. Happy birthday.

I'm sorry
I didn't have time to get you anything.

I'm gonna try after work.

Love you.

I live on a regular street in real America

with real trees and real cars.

- SELINA: We do have real cars on my street.
- Ah... Wait for it.

I'm not sure what a fake car would be exactly.


I should be president, or something.


If he doesn't drink in the morning,
he will now.

Oh, God, you know
what I should have brought up?

That rumor about O'Brien's daughter
blowing all those hockey players in college.

Well... That would have been a mistake.

- Huge mistake. It was lacrosse players.

Ma'am, your dinner guests

-are confirmed for tonight.
- Oh!

- Your relaxing evening is locked in.
- Goodie. I cannot wait.

I'm getting the old gang back together.

Back in the '90s, us ladies
totally owned Annapolis. We really did.

Gang? Did you all have tattoos?

No, it's just a bunch of lawyers
from my old firm, you know?

How did you get into this gang?

- Did you have to kill a guy?

You could pardon yourself now.

You know, actually, as women,
we really did get it done.

Plus, we had tits and ass.

So, we had
the whole thing going for us, really.

There's been a shooting in Pittsburgh.
Four dead including the gunman.

Well, that's fucking not good.

We pray for the families.

and that they don't demand more gun control.

It says here the gunman was an ex-Marine.

Two sides of the coin. It's very sad.

Hey, Sue, get Mike to draft a statement.

- He's got a "thoughts and prayers" template.
- Right away, ma'am.


Should we keep watching me?

- TOM: Yeah?
- Sure, sure.

See, when I left the White House,
I never thought I'd be lobbying for concrete.

- Great, isn't it?
- Mmm.

Oh, by the way, I set us up with two brunches
and a lunch for tomorrow.

Oh, God, I already have
two breakfast meetings tomorrow.

If I keep going at this rate,
I'm gonna have gout of the mouth.

Uh, ladies, you are going to be our sale bait.

Um, by sale bait, you mean...

Independent, well-educated
young women like you

who also happen to be very hot
to lure congressmen into the room

in a way that is deeply feminist.

We then introduce our client,

who makes a sale
in a way that's deeply capitalist.

I'm not expected to do anything
with anyone, am I?

This is lobbying.
This is a respectable profession.

Um, do me a favor. Go see Linda over there.

She has some slightly tighter blouses
that you can choose from.

- So, you two ready to go hard for concrete?
- Yeah.

Hey, why are there so many security

and military people on the list
at this concrete event?

Are we at war with clay?

Amy, what does the military buy a lot of?

Oh, I know this. It's candy.

Cute. It's concrete, okay?

So, we bring the military guys along,

they talk Congress into stumping up money
for a Mexican border wall made of concrete.

Circle of life.

Serving several of our clients' agendas
all at once.

- God, I love this.
- Yeah, I know. Me, too.

It's so slutty, isn't it?

This place is like a porn shoot with bunting.

God, kill me now. (SIGHS)

Good morning. Good morning.

- REPORTERS: Morning!

Okay, let's get this party started.

Uh, the Mommy Meyer bill. ls it doomed?

First off, it's not the Mommy Meyer bill.

It is the Families First... No, it's the Meyer bill.

- And it's about as doomed as my donut habit.

- Shall we talk about Families First, please?
- SELINA: Yeah.

TOM: I'm afraid it's getting
crucified on the Hill.

Just like that Jesus guy.

Well, it's my big bill.

You think I'm gonna say it doesn't fit
and put it up on Craigslist, or something?

O'Brien just said, "lf Families First is passed,

"the whole concept of family
will come to an end."

Well, that's the dream, certainly,

but I'm not sure
we'll achieve it in this generation.

I don't care if O'Brien hates it.
It's for the people and they love it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except no.
-l'm sorry?

I hate to be the
I'm-in-touch-with-the-normal-guy guy,

but I am that guy,

and they want to pay for their families
and not other people's.

That's not helpful to...

- What? What's going on?
- MAN: Back away from the president.

- Holy shit.
- Ma'am, there's an intruder.

- Oh.
- We need you to remain here.

What? I mean, okay. I mean, what?

I had not anticipated this.
This I had not anticipated.

Well, that sounds
like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.

Flexible hours benefit everyone.

This is a common sense piece of...

Intruder. Everyone stay calm.
Stay exactly where you are.

Okay, lockdown.
Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.

Shouldn't we be on an elevator
to a secret bunker by now?

There is no elevator or bunker.

Why isn't there an elevator
to a secret bunker?

Jesus Christ, Bill,
you're shaking like a dog shitting a peach pit.

SELINA: I actually think I should have a gun.

I'm not making a joke.
I really would like to have a gun.

Okay, what about us?
ls there a panic room, or something?

Gary, every room you're in is a panic room.

We need to find a safer room.

MAN: I'm gonna kill
Tom James and that bitch!

The intruder! Right there!

Oh, my God, shit got real! Shit got real!
Shit got real!

- Calm down. What are you doing?
-lt's a weapon!

What are you going to do with a clock?
Tell him he's late?

- That's the all-clear, ma'am.
- Really?

- TOM: Well...
- Wow! Okay.

- Thank you, gentlemen.
- BILL: Okay,

if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go breathe.

- Yeah, did you hear all that shouting?
- I did.

What was he saying?
Did you hear what he was saying?

Who cares what he said?
The guy's Nutso-Bismol.

- What was he saying?
- What...

He said, uh, "Let me up.
I want to kill Tom James and that bitch."

He comes here to kill me
and he doesn't even know my name?

- He may have been talking about Kent.
- Thank you.

I've got to take a gigantic whiz.

Man, this siege stuff
goes straight to my bladder.

It's like if dogs could talk.

Okay, Senator,
I am going to set up your town hall meeting.

- L'll see you there.
- Oh, good. More adrenaline.

God Almighty.

- Wow.
- How are you doing?

I cannot believe
that somebody came here to kill me.

And you.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Still, you know,
you've got good people around you.

- Yeah.
- Holy hell!

- I saw him! The guy.
- You did?

I was face-to-face with him and I was like,
"Back off, man. Don't mess with this."

- Really?
- I have got so much adrenaline in me.

- SELINA: I know...
-lt's like I've got to do something.

- Can you get me a coffee?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- An Irish coffee.
- Yeah!

Do you want something?

- I'm good.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.


- He's been with me a long time.
- Has he?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- I see.

Hey, Kim. Hi, where are you?

Can we make sure that the flags
are symmetrical to the backdrop?

It looks a little bit off.

That shirt really compliments your figure,
by the way.

Just a nice little compliment for you.

I'm loving this. This is great.

- Yeah, we're killing this. Hey, lighting.
- MAN: What?

Hi, how's it going?
Can we bring these down just a little bit?

Okay, I think
that's a little bit too much drama.

So, maybe we just bring those back up
just a little bit.

That looks great. Yeah, mark that.

MAN: That's exactly how it was, dumbass!

Okay, well, we don't need
that kind of language, but thank you.

One, two, three, four.

Hit me with the plosives.

Bring back my pig.

- I'm happy with that.
- Yeah, that sounds great.

I don't want to pat myself on the back,

but this is a great idea on my part.

You know, getting out of the office,
going on the campaign trail.

Yeah, help you forget about being molested.

That's loud. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well... Well, no. It's just that
everybody thinks we're awesome here.

I mean, we're West Wing. We're like gods.

Mr. Ryan, did you get my sashimi?

No, sir, I will get it right now.

It needs to be at room temperature,
otherwise it just tastes of cold.



- Are you hearing this?
- Sushi.

Listen to the "shu's" and the "mi's."


Wait a minute. What are we laughing at here?


Someone sure put a lot of effort into that.



I don't get it.

Oh, duck, 'cause I ducked.

Very clever. Very funny.

I'm laughing, too.



Mom, some days you get an award
from a country I've never even heard of,

then other days people try to kill you.

People probably try to kill me
most days, sweetie.

You just have to shut it out.

Hey, I've got the menu
for tonight's dinner with your friends.

I do love tasting menus.

It's so nice to be able to look at a list of food
and say, "I'll take all of it."

Um, no. I just want to hang back
and have a loose night with the ladies, okay?

So, let's just get pizza.

How about a play on pizza?

- We could kind of layer...
- No. Uh-uh. No.

Or we could do an antipasto
and we could do a deconstructed pizza.

Okay, you know
I almost got assassinated today, right?

- Yeah, you did.
- So, I just...

I just need you to do
what I'm telling you to do.


Guys, I want you to meet Aiden Grant.

He's the gentleman that won
the previous Mexican border fence contract.

Wow! You must be very happy and rich.

- Yes, I am.

So, of course,
he would like to win the new one,

which means
he needs to speak to Congressman Martin,

but not his obvious erection.

- DAN: Uh, yes.
- So...

Oh, to be 20 years younger, eh?

- I would be in diapers.
- Oh, snap! (LAUGHING)

Okay, you see, the key is to jump in
before it becomes an actual assault.

- I think we missed the window.
- Uh, Congressman.

I can see you are as excited
about the advancements

in concrete technology as we are.

I would like to introduce you
to Mr. Aiden Grant.

Look, it's like this. There is a link...

There is a proven link
between the lack of education and poverty,

and between poverty and crime.

Families First will break that link.

He's nailing it, like Streisand hitting a high C.

My God, where were you born, Lake Homo?

MAN: After the shootings in Pittsburgh
this morning...

- TOM: Uh-huh. you think

that it's time for some stricter gun control?

Reaction is easy.

Understanding is hard.

Wasn't the shooter also a victim?


Well, we're talking about an ex-Marine here,

someone whose mind was maimed
in the service of his country.

Ben, Tom James has just said
the shooter is a victim, too.


Oh, my God!

Calamity James.
And that's just off the top of my head.

- Well, what do I do?
- Just get him off, you fucking mannequin.

(SOFTLY) Jonah.

Get him to stop. Get him to stop talking.

I'm not saying
I don't condemn what happened. I do.

- Condemnation on its own...
- What the fuck are you doing?

It looks like you're telling him
to straighten his tie.

What I'm saying is, we need to understand...

(CHUCKLES) Are you guys okay?

Are you trying to hitch a ride? What is it?

- No, you're good. You're good.
- No, what the fuck, dude?

Yeah. Yeah. Uh...

If we're gonna take anything...

Maybe we could play some exit music

or maybe push the button
that drops the balloons.

Shit, that's a great idea. Drop the balloons.

- Do we have balloons?
- No. That was just an example.

Why the fuck did you bring up balloons
if we don't have them?

Well, just... I was brainstorming.

MIKE: Ma'am, the press are primed.

Good. So, I thought I would open with this.

I thought I would say, "So, I'm in
the firing line for the second time today."

Hilarious, ma'am.

- Yeah, I know, it's not that funny.
- No, it's just my voice.

- I always end up sounding sarcastic.
- Oh.

BEN: Gary! Gary!

GARY: What's going on? What?

Don't let her go out there.

What? ls there something wrong?
What? What's wrong?

I said don't let her go out there. Jesus!
Come with me.

Tom James
just shot his mouth off into his foot.

Let her up there for a minute,

and then you've got to go up there
and take the heat.

REPORTER: Madam President, can you
quantify what level of danger you were in?

I always feel as if I'm in more danger

-when I'm in front of you guys.

This is the second time
I'm in front of the firing squad today.

I'm certainly very grateful
for the rapid response

of the Secret Service. Um...

They... Uh, they got rid of the intruder...


(STUTTERS) Silently.

So, um, moving on.

These job figures for this quarter
are very encouraging, folks.

I'm quite pleased with that. Um...

Unfortunately, that is all the time I have.

Mike, yeah. I'm good.
I'm gonna duck out for now.



- You got me.
- SELINA: Yeah, I did.

- So, you can take over, you bozo.

We have a good time here, don't we?

Mike, I'm just hearing
that Tom James has said

that the shooter in Pittsburgh
is as much a victim as those he murdered.

Do you support that view?

Uh, that is obvious, uh...

What is clear, uh, that our view is...

Uh, we don't support that view.

(STUTTERS) Let's start with putting
the senator's words in perspective, okay?



Words, uh, don't kill people,

uh, unlike guns,

which can and did.

Which is bad. It's so bad.

- I could go on.

Congressman Reece is practically blind,

so you're gonna have to flirt close
and flirt big.

Or, you know, do some kind of braille thing.

I've got a degree in political science.
I'll be fine.

Yeah, a lot of good that's gonna do you.

Tom James just sympathized
with that Pittsburgh shooter

and in doing so
has blown his political brains out.

Yeah, he just made an enemy
of every stupid person with a gun,

and there are a lot of those.

If we don't do something about this,

our gun and security clients
are gonna start to wonder

why it is the hell they pay us so much money,

which is bad because I need them to pay me
and not try and shoot me in my sleep.

Look at this asshole.
He's already got me in his sights.

Hi, asshole.

- Okay, well, we just put him on camera...

...and he can criticize Tom James
for sympathizing with murderers.

Stops us from being involved
in any unhealthy gun debate.

Very well done. You might be
the smartest woman I've ever paid for.

You know what? I'm on this. Already done it.

Oh, man, I'm really enjoying
this sibling rivalry between you two.

I'm trying to figure out
what that makes you to us.

- Daddy.
- Ah...

- I've got to call you back.
- I was dying out there.

- BEN: What...
-lt was out of my control.

So, there are situations within your control?

All right, Tom James is a loose cannon

and it looks like
I chose him at the last minute,

which I did, obviously,
but people can't know that.

Well, I am not Merlin, okay?
I don't have a magic car, or whatever he had.

I can't tie a ribbon around a crazy guy
who supports crazy guys.

You'll tie a ribbon around Elvis' sagging,
rotten ball sack if we ask you to, Mike.

That's your job.

I'm just saying don't rake me
over the coals for this one, okay?

Tom James took a crap all over America.

Why do I got to grab the shovel?
I'm not a shit cleaner!

- It's your job. You are the shit shoveler.
- BEN: That's what you do.

- BILL: Shit shoveler.
- Well, some shit doesn't get off.

- What?

SELINA: I don't know
what that means.

- I don't know what that means.
- Oh, sorry.

And why is everybody
calling my Families First bill

the Mommy Meyer bill all of a sudden?

You told me to connect your name to the bill.

What is the tone that you're using right now?

It's been a shitty day, ma'am, I apologize.


- You asked me to call it the Meyer bill.
- Uh-huh.

The press has recently found it amusing
to call it the Mommy Meyer bill.

Well, kill the Mommy, okay?
'Cause it's making my bill toxic.

It's like they took the word brain tumor
and changed it to Selina Cyst.

TOM: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if I may,
I'd like to read a short statement.

Actually, no, I'm...
No, I'm not going to read this.

I'm gonna speak from the heart.

He's going freestyle.
God, that is so fucking gangster.

My dad always used to say to me,

"lf you do something wrong,
you've got to try to make it right immediately."

Well, there's nothing I can say that's gonna
help the loved ones of those victims.

But I can say and I will say that I am...

I am truly, truly sorry

if I have added to their grief.

Thank you.


Well, I can't say that that felt good,

because obviously it felt terrible,
but it also felt good.

It played great. Excuse me. Yeah.

Sir, awesome and amazing had a baby
and it grew up to be you.

It's like words are your second language, sir.

Well, thanks for the feedback.

- Jonah Ryan.
- Oh, yeah.

That's a name that keeps

- Well, I'm a popular guy.

Richard T. Splett.

Don't know why I said T.
My middle name is John.

But I'm Mr. Ryan's executive assistant.

So, you're this guy's Veep?

- Kind of. Kind of, yeah.

Well, nice to meet you guys.

Hey, we should have you apologize
for all our screw-ups.

Uh, hurricane washout. Uh, Leon West
"detention." Uh, the data breach.

Oh, that... Yeah, that thing with the HIV girl.

- No, the... Yes.
- Uh, yes. Wow.

That HIV girl.

(CHUCKLES) Wait a sec...

If I didn't know better, I would suspect
that there was another data breach.



I mean, there isn't.

No, because I would know about it.


Listen, you guys,
you want a ride back to D.C.?

It'd be so great to hear some stories
from the front line, you know.

- Uh, I'd love to, but do I have any meetings?
- No. No.

- Are you sure there aren't any?
- Oh...

- Uh... Uh, there's one.
- Okay, good. Cancel it.

Hope it wasn't important.

Ah, it wasn't.

So, here's a thing.
Tom James just apologized.

How did that go down?

Surprisingly well. Like vodka and cereal.

All right, so, what? Do we lose the gun guy?

No, no. Keep the gun guy.

Gun guys don't like it
when you take things away from them.

But it has made me realize that
Tom James talked up mental health issues.

- Let's get someone to jump on those.
- Exactly.

Do we have any mental health
charities on the books?

We do, but they don't pay very well.

However, this is Alex Barry
from Gemmill Pharmaceuticals.

- Ah...
- Amy Brookheimer.

- Oh. How are you?

So, uh, what is a big pharma guy like you

doing at a concrete event like this?

Well, construction brings builders.
Builders bring sex workers.

And sex workers bring STDs.

- A virtuous circle.
- Well...

GARY: Hey, ma'am, don't sue me,
but your lawyer friends are here.


Oh, my God!

Hello, Madam President.

Oh, you are hotter than ever.

- Oh, puh-lease.
- I know!

What do you use, like,
rhino horns or monkey glands?

- All of the above.

- Plus, I had my whole face done.
- Oh...

No, I didn't really have any surgery,
Deborah. I didn't.

- I haven't had... No.
- Okay.

This is sloe gin
and it's a gift from the British ambassador.

WOMAN: Oh, how fancy.

-It's booze, you old boozehound.

Actually, I have been sober
for five years and four months, so...

- Oh!
- Actually, yeah.

Well, I have been sober for, uh, 27 hours,

-so let me take that off your hand...
- Oh. Oh.

-...while l jump off the wagon.

Can I get you like a Shirley Temple
or a Roy Rogers?

Just Coke, Sprite, something like that.

- Okay, yeah.
- Soda.

TOM: Benjamin, you wanted to see me?

- Is this where I get whacked?
- BEN: Oh, no, sir.

This is where we all blow you
because you were so freaking great.

- Come on.

All I did... l just Went...

How can anybody not love him?
He's like your dad, except he's nice.

What the fuck are these guys doing here?

Every player needs to roll with a crew, Ben.

That's the truth from the street.

This is officially my worst day.

Well, in that case,
welcome to Friday night drinks.

Do you guys have drinks every Friday?

Uh, only for the last five years.

No one ever thought to tell you
for unaccountable reasons.

Anyway, you're here now.

Oh, I like my bourbon like I like my women,

-18 years old and wet.
- Ugh.

-I'm more of a White Russian man myself.
- Here, take that.

- Okay, I guess that's fine also.
- Have a seat.

- Uh, not there.
- No. Wasn't going to.

Okay, so, uh, what are we drinking to?

To more shit.

- More shit.
- All right. Good.

When is the last time
when all of us were together?

- Anna's wedding.
- That was 20 years ago.

- Oh, no, it was five years ago.
- What?

- I remarried.
- She got married again.


Oh, okay.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.
Yeah. Did he finally come out?

He died.

(GASPS) on.

l am...

So sorry. (CHUCKLES)

I'm not. I mean, he wasn't gay.

- He was... He was just an asshole.
- Uh-huh.

Can I swear in front of you now?

No, you fucking can't.


Okay, dinner. Let's do it.

Dinner at the White House!

- What are we having?
- Wait until you see.

Beautiful room.

It's pizza!


Just like the old days, guys.

Yeah, when we couldn't afford anything else.



Oh, God, so tired of these big banquets.

- You know, six courses. Enough.
- Yeah.

What's for dessert,
a tub of ice cream and four spoons?


- Yes.
- Oh!

Any other psychotic things
that we need to know about you?


I wish you'd sterilize everyone in New Jersey.

- Good idea.

I'm in favor of assisted dying
for anyone who talks in a movie theater.

That's forward thinking.

And I think we should legalize drugs.

- Oh! Yeah!

Yeah, I'll get the bong.

No, no, no, that last one,
that's actually not a joke.


Set it up, knock it down. Tom James.

I'm serious.

I believe we should legalize drugs.

Having seen what my son has been through,
I think it's the only way.

Fuck my face.

Okay, uh...

- If this gets out, my life's hell.

Guys, guys! Come on.

Everybody, calm down.

Yeah, let's just smoke a doobie
and pop some ludes.

So, Deborah,
give us some updates on your life.

- I do a lot of pro bono work now.
- Oh, good for you.

Yeah, you know, family disputes,
school exclusions, that sort of thing.

Look at us, we're working it from both ends.

How so?


Well, because
I'm about to pass this legislation.

- Families First?
- Families First, yeah.

I'm very proud of it.

What do you guys think of it?

Well, it's not everything
you want it to be, obviously,

because they put all those amendments on it.

- I think it's in pretty good shape. Yeah.
- Mmm.

I mean, I think it's gonna
make a big difference in people's lives.

Ah! Perhaps you haven't thought through
the tax margins properly.

Wow. We have the finest
economic minds working on the bill.

Thank God, because tax law
was never your strength.

- I really... I really read up about it a lot.
- Oh, my God.

Do you remember?
"What's 15%? What's 15%?"

- I don't want to talk about politics anymore.
- Okay.

- I agree. I agree.
- No, you're right. You're right.


She can't have wine.

GARY: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Remember the dude ranch?

- Remember the dude ranch?
- Oh, my God!

- With Vanessa!
- Yeah. Oh, my God...

- I heard there was pizza.
- Oh, look who's here!

How about that? You remember Catherine.

Do you recognize her?
She lost all of her baby fat.


Listen, I'm not gonna tell everyone
what I think.

Jeez, I wouldn't last 10 seconds
in a men's room.

But between us,
I just think honesty is the best policy.

- Sure.
- Absolutely.

So, in that spirit,

maybe somebody could now
kindly tell me what the fuck

is this other data breach.

- Uh, Kent?
- Bill?


MIKE: I don't care. I'll tell you.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, there, Trigger.

Mike, you're a spokesman.
You're not supposed to say anything.

The Meyer campaign used
the health records of dead children

to target and appeal to voters
who were recently bereaved parents.

- Jesus.
-lt's a real doozy, huh?

Seems like the party has hit a quiet point.

JONAH: It's not really as bad as it sounds.

You know,
those kids have been dead for a while.

You know,
I could kick over chairs and scream,

"How in the risen fuck did this happen?"

What's the point? It's done.

I say we move on together.
The Magnificent Seven.

- He's really good.
-lt's 'cause there's seven of us.

- I meant as a politician.
- I know. Yeah, it's... Yeah.

So, we move forward. To even more shit.

- To even more shit.
- ALL: To even more shit.

Did you see Tom James on Meet the Press?

- Oh, yeah. I'd like to press his meat.

WOMAN: He's sexy
without knowing he's sexy.

- DEBORAH: Yeah.
- And that's really sexy.

Now, if he was selling Families First,
I'd buy it for sure.

-(SCOFFS) Really?
- I believe in him.


- I believe in you, too.
- Uh-huh. Right.

It's just that the Office of the President
is a really difficult job.

- Mmm-hmm. I'll tell you what's really difficult.
- Mmm.

It's really difficult talking to you
now that you're sober.

That's tough.


Um... Wow. I am sorry, but I am tired.

I mean, I would love to
keep this party going for... (STUTTERS)


- But, um...
- Thanks for having us.

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Thank you very much.

You're eating ice cream? Really?
She's eating ice cream, Gary?

- I mean...
- CATHERINE: I just had a bite.

MAN: Ma'am, intruder in the grounds.

- This is a lockdown!
- God, another one?

- You've got to be shitting me.
- No, Gary, it's the same one.

- He's doing a victory lap.
- MAN: Seal the room!

I shook Jack Nicholson's hand and I thought,

"lf this hand could talk,

-it would say, 'Wash me."'

All right, 'cause of all the sex stuff.

MAN: Okay, everyone, this is a lockdown.
Stay here.

- Do not move.

They're just gonna keep coming
and coming until they kill us.

- This can't be happening.
- This is classic copycat.

Yeah, no, it's classic copycat.

Oh, it's just like me just then.
You know, it's classic copycat.

Okay, we are in lockdown.

- This is a lockdown.
- Shh.

All right, everybody, it's that time.
What time is it?

It's... Stop! Raffle time!

- Get those tickets out. Yeah!

The lovely Kimberly over here
is gonna pull the winning ticket

out of the cement mixer,
which I thought was a nice touch.

- Here we go.
-ls lobbying always like this?

I have a funny sinking feeling it might be.

If you don't win a prize, don't worry about it.

We're gonna fire up the shirt cannon
one more time.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

This is all free swag, guys. Have some fun.

I wish the intruder would just kill me.

Well, if the intruder kills you, Mike,
then who's gonna announce your death?

You Okay?

Your face looks kind of like a sad egg.

I think I'm a fraud.

I'm not good at my job.

The story about the emperor
and the new clothes.

I'm the emperor.

No, I'm the clothes.

(SIGHS) I'm the guy
who will fuck this government.

TOM: Come on, Mike.

Hey, at least you got your hair.

God. Oh, my God, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.

- Honey, you need water. You need water.
- I gotta do something.

Can somebody help her?

SELINA: These people are only here
to protect me, I'm afraid.

- Are we gonna be okay?
- SELINA: You're gonna be fine.

The only person
who's interested in killing you,

Deborah, is here in this room.

- That was a joke.

You know, you can't see my face,
but I'm actually making a joke.

- Put that back. Put it back.

Jesus Christ.