Veep (2012–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Convention - full transcript

Whilst the party is gearing up for the convention, Selena's team is busily trying to bolster her future chances by shoring up the ticket. A new face is added to the team in the form of Selena's long time associate, making room for a long standing member of her entourage to suddenly depart, joining the recently redundant Dan to the list of former Meyer's staffers. Jonah is invited to rescue Dan's attempts at proving his worth at his new lobbying firm, while the new President seeks to make an alternative pitch ahead of the elections.


People are always asking me,
"Who is Roger Furlong?"

And I always refer them to the same
passage of the Good Book. The Scriptures.

"Wherefore by their fruits
ye shall know them."

SELINA: All right, let's do it.

"Being the First Daughter
is a big responsibility."

- Good.
-"But I'm happy to serve my country

"and to help out my mom."

- Oh!
- That's very good, yes.

-"I love you, Mom."
- Oh, no, honey.

You've got to say it like you mean it,
though, darling.

(CHUCKLES) It's so easy.
It's like, "I love you, Mom. I love you."

- Well, not like that.
- CATHERINE: "There are great changes

"coming for this nation and my own life, too.

"Last year I met a boy called Jason..."

Mmm. I don't know,
should she say "boy" or "man"?

- Just to be clear? Yeah.
- Yes, that's a good question, ma'am.

It's clear that I'm a man, isn't it?

I haven't been carded for years.
Like, three years.

I just... I don't know if this is gonna play well.

You know what?
I started to feel that way myself.

It's a convention. People love this shit.

How could it not play well? We're in love.

- Yeah, it might play well.
- It could.

- I think it might.
- MAN: Do you like it?

I cannot take Karen anymore.

It's been weeks and she is
yet to speak a declarative sentence.

Lawyers tend to cover their bases.
I know that from my car accident.

With a lawyer.

I just tune her out.
You know, like living next to a highway.

"Last year I met a guy called Jason
and we fell in love."

All right, sweetheart,
it doesn't sound like you're in love to me.

It sounds like you've been
kidnapped by the Taliban.

- KAREN: Exactly.
-"And we're going to get married.

"So I'd like to introduce you to Jason.
Come on out, honey."

-lt sounds like you're angry.
- I am angry!

Well, that's why you sound like you're angry.

- Hide it.
- Conceal it for a second.

Good, conceal it.

If you eat a zucchini
anywhere in mainland North America,

there's a 20% chance it's one of my zucchini.

Well, I am such a zucchini fan,
I practically photosynthesize.

- Next year I want 24%.

Well, listen, Dan here is the man.

He's fresh from the White House,

he's got a Rolodex as crammed
as a drug mule's poop pocket.

And I want to take zucchini to the next level.

Great, I'm in town till tomorrow,

so any big dogs you can get me
in a room with today?

That's gonna be tricky.

You know, everyone's out of town
for the convention,

so the only people left in D.C.
work at CVS, but...

Dan's just being modest.
I mean, you know everybody, right, Dan?

Flex that Rolodex, pal.


- Yeah. You ever hear of Jonah Ryan?
- No.

Old buddy of mine. We go way back.

Love that guy.
I can get you in a room with him today.

All right, listen.
Enough business, let's eat. Okay?

But probably not fucking zucchini, right?

"I'd like to introduce you to Jason.

"Come on out, honey."

SELINA: Okay, and now a kiss.

- Oh!

- That needs work.
- That needs work.

- Which part?
-(SOFTLY) All of it.

- How hard is it to kiss somebody?
- I know. (LAUGHING)

I mean, you just put your head close to theirs,

you let your lips touch, you know?

Do I need to demonstrate this?

- No.
- No.

Okay, he can practice
the walk on his own time.

We really need to look
at the president's speech now.

Hey, human emotion, you can't rush it.
It's not a precise science, Amy.

All sciences are precise.
That's what science means.

That's open to interpretation.

- Yes.
- Extraordinary.

Ma'am, there's a death row inmate
in Louisiana.

Oh, sounds good.

He was given a new drug cocktail,
but it didn't work,

so basically he's not dead.

- He's half dead.
- Half dead?

- Yeah, he's been half-acuted.
- KENT: Awful.

Like being decapitated but surviving.
Happens to chickens a lot.

Well, some might say that we're being
slightly headless ourselves.

We really need to focus on your speech.

Well, there is this new execution issue,
so that's the priority.

Right. Do you think
we should issue a statement or...

Yes, but a statement that can be repurposed,
if things change.

- He dies, he doesn't die, or whatever.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah, that's very clever. Thank you.
- Thank you.

So it's true. They hacked the data
of thousands of dead kids

to directly target bereaved parents
with this charming mailer.

Wow, dead kids...
That never sounds good

unless you're a stressed-out single mom.

This and they polled against me?
That's it, I'm out.

No, sir, that's the wrong move. You can't...

There's only one midget
I'm gonna let tell me what to do,

and I'm gonna go tell her that I'm done.

She doesn't have time to replace you.

What's she gonna do, pin a dick on Gary
and give him the job?

She's got a couple hours.

I mean, that's more than
enough time in politics.

No, wait a minute, it's not. Tough shitski.

So I'd like to say to all you young people,

join me

and let's rock these United States.


So, really, we wanted to go progressive.

- Ma'am.
- Yeah?

I have a useful college friend
in the enemy camp

with a small brain and a big mouth.

She says that Senator O'Brien's running mate
is going to be Laura Montez.

- Montez?
- Yeah.

- New Mexico senator Laura Montez?
- Mmm-hmm.

She is brilliant. She's pretty. She's charming.

She's a woman!

She's fucking ethnic!

This is Latinageddon.

I wish I was that guy on death row.

Apparently he's vomiting black bile.

- Well, I don't even care.
- This is such a bold move.

It's clever. It's a really bold move.

- Yes, that's what I said.
- All right.

There's nothing on the Internet about Montez

except for the usual photoshopped nudity.

SELINA: O'Brien's really broken us here.

He gets sexy Mexi. What am I stuck with?

- Doyle?
- Steve Martin's boring older brother.

I mean, it doesn't make any sense to say this,

but, I mean, I really, really wish
we could get rid of Doyle.

- AMY: Ma'am.
- Ma'am.

What if we could put Danny Chung
on the ticket with us?

That would totally fuck up that
fiesta of theirs, wouldn't it?

Ma'am, the vice president's here
and he looks pissed.

- Even more than usual.
- Hi, Andrew.

Ma'am, we need to have one of those

-one-on-one conversations.
- Uh-huh.

You know, the kind that you promised
we'd have once a week.

Oh, snarky.

Okay, yeah.
Let's go have a talk in the bedroom.

(SOFTLY) It's really dirty in there.
Do you want me to tidy up just...

Oh, I don't care. Fuck it.

Oh, sorry for all this crap everywhere.

- So, what's...
- Hear me out, Selina.

I regret to inform you that
I'm stepping off the ticket.

- What?
- I will stay on as Veep

through the inauguration.

Then I am getting in my Dodge
and I'm getting the hell out of Dodge.

I don't... I mean, what are you...

I am furious. Ben.

- Yeah?
- Are you hearing what I just heard?

I don't know if I heard correctly.

- Something about resigning?
- Yeah, he's stepping off the ticket.

It's a matter of principle.

There is no way on God's green cock
that you can get out on matter of principle.

- That's right.
-lt has to be a health issue.

No, I'm perfectly healthy.

- You have prostate problems.
-l'm not gonna say that. That's embarrassing.

Exactly. That's what makes it more real.

I'm not gonna lie, Selina.

He said he's not gonna lie, Ben.


You know, um, there's been some
very serious allegations

coming from the vice president's office
about sexual abuse.

- Excuse me?
- What?

- Yeah, Jonah Ryan.
- Jonah? Oh, my God.

Those poor interns.

No, no, no, Jonah's the victim.

- Your man Teddy.
- What?

Yeah, he's been fondling Jonah's balls

like he's trying to figure out
what the prize inside is.

I knew nothing about this, Ben.
Nothing, Selina.

- So how can you be a man of principle...
- Yeah.

-...when you're condoning sexual abuse...
- Sexual abuse. your own office?
-ln your office.

Who are you, the Pope?


-I'll go write a draft. Come on.
- Yeah, prostate, not principle, huh?

Yeah, that's what we'll... We'll go with that.

Oh, okay.


- Oh, my God, what's wrong?
- Doyle is a goner.

- What?
- He's stepping off the ticket.

- What?
- In the middle of a convention?

- I know!
- Chung is our answer to Montez.

- He can be our minority retort.
- Yes!

Hey, way to work that sexual abuse.


It's like Christmas, except happy.

Ma'am, I'm elated. This is great news.

Yeah, that's your elated face.

We need to pick a running mate now, okay?
So do you want to discuss our options?

It has to be Danny Chung.

That's exactly what I was gonna say.

- Isn't that spooky?
- Not even remotely.

Okay, go get Danny Chung. Mike!
Oh, my God!

- Ah! They found a pulse on the death row guy.
- Oh!

- Now they can kill him properly.
- God, you'd think they could do that right.

Death row, the clue is in the name.

Welcome to the real D.C., boys.

Dan Central.

Hello, gentlemen. Sidney Purcell.

- Hi, Jonah Ryan.
- Oh, Jonah.

Excellent. Dan, why don't you get
these guys some coffee?

No, you don't need to get me a coffee.

Although, coffee actually
does sound delicious.

Yeah, funny thing.
I think the machine's on the fritz.

Is it? We had coffee earlier.

There's no way it could be on the fritz.
Just double check and see if it is.

But if it's not, I think I'll take a soy cap.
And, Richard?

Uh, eggnog latte, if it's in season.

Is it? No, it isn't. Okay, I'll have a skinny cap.
And a biscotti, if you've got it.

And I'll have a double espresso.
I'll see you guys in a minute.


Oh, Dan, that's good.

So we're interested in finding
the pesticide levers.

Specifically the levers
that make pesticides happen.

And Jonah here is the guy behind the guy.
Isn't that right?

Yeah, oh, I'm the wheel-greaser.
I'm the puppet master.

A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer.


When I'm online. Video games.

The vice president is leaving the ticket.

Yep. Wait, what?

The vice president is leaving the ticket?

Yes. Yes, he is.

How am I hearing this
at the same time as you?

Well, the important thing
is that we have a plan B. Right, Dan?

Yes. Uh...

I'm gonna call my good friend
Amy Brookheimer.

She's the president's campaign manager.

She and I are closer than
two fat guys in an elevator.

- This is not a big deal.
- You know what? Building off that,

I'm actually gonna go ahead
and give her a call, too.

We used to date, so I know her inside and out.

I used to work for Ames.
In fact, I call her Ames for short...

Wait, actually, it's long for Amy.

- Okay, let me know when you have her.
- Right.

What did I do in a past life to deserve Karen?

I think you must have given the go-ahead
for Pearl Harbor.

Well, the problem with Karen is that
she's the president's best friend.

Best female friend, let's be honest.

Okay, everybody,
Chung should be here any second.

- All right.
- I just heard

Chung should be here any second.
We've got ourselves a meeting. Am I right?

- You are right.
- Go get 'em, ma'am.

- Go get 'em, ma'am.
- Let's go.

MIKE: Don't look desperate.
Men don't like that.

The first time I spoke here,
they called it Chungmania.

- I do remember that. Of course.
- Chungmania.

And I remember being so excited
to have a mania named after me.

- Sure.
- I had Chungmania mania.


I love it when you tell that story. It's so funny.

Well, Danny,

come January, I would be so pleased

if you would serve alongside me
as my vice president.


You do me a great honor, Madam President.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- But I do need to consult my wife.

Oh, of course. Oh, no, no, no, yes.

- And my Bible.
- Yeah.

Although she is my Bible,
so that's two Bibles.

Well, you take as many
of the 15 minutes available

as you need to make this decision.

- Sure. Thank you.
- Okay. Thank you.



Congressman Pierce.

I hear you guys are looking
for a new vice president.

- It's not gonna be you.
- No,

I just wanted to wish you guys good luck.

Oh, that's nice. Fuck off, I'm busy.

Vice President Doyle stepping off the ticket.

Who made this decision?

It was a joint decision
made by the president, vice president,

and the vice president's

prostate doctor.

Thirty years as a senator,

and your asshole's getting
more screen time than your face.

I understand you've been
feeling up Jonah Ryan.

And by up, I mean all the way up.

Congressman Furlong
does not want to hear this.

Oh, which means I absolutely,
totally fucking do. Please go on.

I understand you've been
twirling Jonah's balls

like they're some kind
of exotic stress reducer.

I wish someone would
sexually assault my staff.

And by staff I mean penis. (LAUGHING)

- You guys are serious.
- No, listen.

I mean, which of us hasn't gotten
all up in some guy's junk?

- You know, just for a laugh?
- I haven't.

I want you to use your dirty hands,
clean out your desk.

- You're fired.
- You... Okay, fine.

Sir, everything I have done,
everything, has been to serve you.

And that goes double for fondling Jonah.


Have you been watching this?
This is a fascinating show.

...about the problem?

I know that it's big, the problem
and the prostate, which is not good.

Sounds like you might die.

- Madam President.
- Here's my guy.

- Let's do this.
- Let's do this.

- You talked with both of your Bibles, did you?
-l have,and“.

Yes, come, come, come, come. Yes.

- I would love to serve you as vice president...
- Oh, my God.

...but I can't.


I can't.


Are you kidding? What?
How could you possibly say no to this?

- Could you please stop?
- Could you please stop?

Thank you. Um...

All I can say is it's family issues.

What, are you knocked up?
What's the real reason? What is it?

It's the way you operate, ma'am.

You have a great way of operating.

- I absolutely do.
-lt's terrific, really.

- Yeah.
- But it's not the way I like to operate.

So, I'm sorry, I just can't.

- I can see you're upset.
- No, I'm not... I mean, lam upset.

Why wouldn't I be upset? This is bullshit.

Well, I can assure you
there is no one more upset than me.

You don't look upset at all, Danny.

That's just military training.

I'm sorry,
but I have to address the convention.

No, wait a minute. Wait, wait.

I'm sorry, didn't mean to pull that.
But listen to me.

- What comes after Veep?
- President?

President, right.

And you never know.
Someday somebody might just... (BLUBBERS)

I'm sorry. Again, thank you for asking.

I am honored and humbled.

No, you're not!


- He said no.
- ALL: Oh, God!

Actually, let me elaborate on that.

The shitty, two-faced, fat fucking turd said no.

Okay, this is a curveball
we will need to address.

I've got to announce someone.
What am I supposed to do?

I'm supposed to walk out on stage

and then keep walking
till I fall off the other side?

My advice, Tom James.

Everyone likes Tom James.

I like Tom James and I hate everyone.

He has a disabled son, check.
Wounded serving his country, check.

- Is the checklist complete? Yeah.

- No.
- We both say no.

Hey, you know what? I got an idea.

No, you don't. You just think you do.

Go on, Gary. I think you've got something.

Thank you, Karen.
Why don't we ask Doyle back?

He announced he's leaving.

Okay, does anybody want a coffee?

Maddox! That's right, Maddox.

- Minority, military.
- That's your Veep.

- Everybody stop having ideas.
- You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding at all. Mike,

-get Maddox. Find his team.
- Yeah.

- On it. I'm on it.
- Ma'am, update on the death row guy.

Sue, forget him. He's irrelevant.

- He died.
- Oh, finally, right?

It's one less thing to worry about.

Where are you? I need you
to go to the convention floor, Todd,

and get Maddox.

Hey, Mike, I hear you guys
are looking for a new Veep.

- Uh, it won't be you.
- No, no, no, God.

I was just gonna suggest someone... Oh, God.

I was gonna suggest Danny Chung.
He seems like the obvious choice.

He's fit to run. He's so physically fit.

Thank you so much for
this warmest of welcomes.

You know, it reminds me
of the first time I was here.

Uh, Chungmania.


How will I ever live that down, huh?


Well, of course you know why I asked
to speak with you today, George.

Well, I imagine it's not
for my hamburger recipe.


-ls it good?
- Well, I don't cook.

- That was a joke.
- Right, sure, sure.

Actually, I have very little sense of taste.

Hence the tie.


Okay. Great. Great.

Well, I really wanted
to know how you might feel

about being my running mate.


I mean, my people told me
I should joke around.

- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- But I'm a fiercely ambitious man.

And I know how to get things done.

Not that you don't.
Though people say you don't.

Okay. Well, we're looking at all options.

Ben is calling me. So I've got to...

He just closed the door,
so I'm gonna have to head out.

But thank you so much.
I appreciate you coming by, yeah.

Wait a minute, you're telling me
that these are all the people

that I vetted before I chose Doyle?
There's so many of them.

- Yeah, you didn't like any of them.
- Well, that was then, and this is not then.

- Olsen polled okay.
- He's got a drinking problem.

- He's got a drinking problem.
- Yeah, shoe polish and he never even shared.

Well, we could go all female, ma'am.

- What?
- Leanne Harris.

Are you trying to blow up the universe now?

Who's gonna go for two women on the ticket?

I guess we could all eat pussy
all day long, too, right?

Tom James is a man.

We need a Tom James-y type, you know?

From the South. And Latino.

Well, he's not Southern or Latino,
but what about Culverson?

- He's 86.
- Yeah, that's why we 86'd him, Mike.

The candidate needs to live up to
and through the election.

Tom James? (CHUCKLES)

God, why is it hard to find
somebody for this job?

- I mean, it is such a great job.
- MAN: Mmm-hmm.

- Such a great job.
- Yeah.

Folks, I am an American

with a merry plan.

I subscribe to a
"whistle while you work" philosophy.


If this is supposed to be dead,
it shouldn't be in the center.

- Ma'am. Ma'am.
- There's absolutely no way

we're going to be able to... What?

Ma'am, I don't want to sound
like a broken record,

but Tom James, Tom James, Tom James.

Okay, stop it. Just stop it.

Why not?

KAREN: Amy, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

but you are being a little irritating.

SELINA: Well, maybe not a little bit.
KAREN: A lot a bit.

- SELINA: That's right.
- Then who?

I don't...

- Him?
- No! No! Fuck, no!

Well, he's completely inept, right?

- But you can make inept work.
- True.

You can say the same of a potato.

Go get Pierce for me, okay, Ben?

- Okay.
- We should talk to him.

My head hurts
from all the wondrous possibilities.

SELINA: Karen, what do you think of Pierce?

Well, I think there are pros and cons
to every candidate,

so we just need to weigh up
the pros and cons.

Have you been
sent from the future to destroy me?

'Cause it's working.

(IMITATES) "I think that each candidate
has merits and demerits.

"And I don't know my left butt cheek
from my right butt cheek,

"but I believe in listening to both butt cheeks
and then farting out my asshole mouth."

-lt's not even bullshit.

Bullshitting takes talent. You have none.

You are just a blah, blah, blah, blah bitch.

- Okay, Amy, that is enough.

I have bitten my tongue so long,
it looks like a dog's cushion.

But no more.

You have made it impossible to do this job.

You have two settings.
No decision and bad decision.

I wouldn't let you run a bath
without having the Coast Guard

and the fire department standing by,
but yet here you are running America.

You are the worst thing
that has happened to this country

since food in buckets and maybe slavery.

I've had enough. I'm gone.

Well, I guess she's finished with her little...

Oh. Nope. Look at that, there's more.

- You have achieved nothing.
- Uh-huh.

Apart from one thing.

The fact that you are a woman means
we will have no more women presidents,

because we tried one and she fucking sucked.

Goodbye, ma'am.



- Well, that was clearly about me.

She's just one of those women
who resents powerful women.


I'm gonna want to talk to Tom James.

- Okay.
- SELINA: Yeah.

- Karen.
- KAREN: Yes?

What do you think of Tom James?

What do I think of him?
I think there's a lot to think.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

That's 202-337...

Yeah, I know what Amy's number is.

Just don't make me look
too bad in this one, all right?

Why would I make you look bad?
You're the one that would make me look bad,

but only after you're done
making yourself look bad.

To be honest, you guys,
I think you're both tremendous, so...

Holy shit.

Amy's gone.

Holy shit, that's insane.

Wow, I'm getting the same thing, guys.

You know, maybe we're getting
the same text message. Yeah, we are.

Okay, look, we need a plan.


- Nothing?
-lt sounded like you had a plan.

- There's two of you.
- What? That means

we immediately have a fucking plan?

All right, look, bottom line,
we cannot let Mr. Zucchini

the human vegetable find out about this.

- Why would we tell him, Dan?
- I don't know!

Look, just keep your mouths shut.
Let me do all the talking, all right?

-ls Amy Brookheimer on the phone?

Yeah, I'm gonna throw that over to Jonah.

She was his contact. They dated for a while.


Thank you, Dan.


Amy is too busy right now at the convention.

She's working at the convention.

- She's working.
- I heard she walked.

- Oh, I hadn't...
- Which I am going to do now.

No, no, Ian, Ian. Listen to me.
I have a little black book, okay?

I have numbers the NSA
doesn't even know about.

Have you heard of Mike McLintock?

Okay, you two, get out of my office.

- It was a pleasure, sir.
- No.

- Nope.
-(SIGHS) No.


Two or three speakers before he speaks,

-so we have about 20 minutes.

- STEVE: Tom James!
- Hey, Steve.

You miss me? I know I missed me.

Hey, Mary, how come the world changes
and you remain the same?

Cal, heard what you said about South Korea.
I think you got the wrong Korea.

Marty, loving those papers on tort reform
so hard.

My wife is starting to suspect something.

Teresa, you killed it on Frontline.

They had to put police tape around the desk
after you were done.

Hey, Natty. What a cool guy.

You shit ice cubes
and you piss snowflakes, right?

Hey. What a great convention.
Best one in four years.

He's on his way up.

Oh, my God, do you think
this is the right decision?

- Yes.
- Maybe we should take a step back

and just reassess.

Are you serious?
This guy is an all-American hero.

- Like Evel Knievel.
- Yeah.

- No, better. Lovely Knovley.
- I like that.

Oh, come on, Mike, everyone has skeletons.
Ask any bagman.

- Not this guy. No.
- He has one skeleton. You're looking at her.

Oh, my God, is that why

-you didn't want to choose him?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Okay, ma'am, show time.
- Okay.


- Room service.
- Oh, God!

Oh, come on, Tom James.
My knight in shining armor.

My damsel in... Madam President.

You know Mike McLintock.

- Mike, how are you?
- Senator.

- And Kent Davison.
- Senator, a pleasure.

- It's good to see you.
-l'm Karen.

- Gary.
- So can we offer you something to drink?

I could murder and make a lampshade
out of a Manhattan.

- But just a water will be... Thank you.
- Absolutely.

Great. Uh, excuse me.

- I would like something to drink.
- Uh-huh.

- Water?
- Bourbon, neat.

- Yeah, okay.

You need to go straighten up my room.

- Okay. Hello.
- Hurry up.

- So why don't we just head this way...
- This way? we can have a little private...
- Sure.

...gabbing time.

- Gabbing time.
- Gabbing time.

That's all right.

It's fine. Come.

So you're back in the game, huh?

- I certainly am.
- Wonderful.

- How are you feeling? Yeah?
- Good. Feels good.

And what about your son Ryan?
How is he doing?

- He's on the mend. He's in a lot of pain.
- Hmm.

They inserted these pins into his hip.
And it's gonna be a long road.

I don't want to rush you,
but I do need to ask you this, Tom.

Would you join me

on the ticket as my running mate?

Madam President, I...


I had a feeling that this was in the wind.

Sure, okay. Yeah.

I'm afraid, with deep regret...

Oh, my God.

...that I'm going to have to accept.

Wait, what?

No, you didn't just do that to me!

-I... I...
-(LAUGHING) Oh, my God. Guys!

- Guys!
- Guys, look what I got! Look what I got!

- Oh, sounds like good news.
- I got him.

- Welcome aboard, Senator.
- Thank you. Thank you.

You are so bad. You are naughty.

I just said, "Would you join me
on the ticket as my running mate?" Right?

- And tell what you just did.
- Uh...

Well, I said, "Madam President,
it is with deep regret..."

Uh... False expectation. Set her up.

No, no, no. I said, "lt is with deep regret,
I'm afraid I'm going to have to accept."


I can't believe it.

Nicely done. Very nicely done.

- Can you stand it?
- What? What? What?

- Come on, what happened? What happened?
- Oh, my God, Mike.

- You are gonna die.
- Listen to this.

- What? What?
- This is hilarious.

I just said to Tom, you know, "Will you
join me on the ticket as my running mate?"

- Right? Okay, so then tell what you just did.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Again?
- Yeah, definitely tell him.

- Please. Can't wait.
-lt's hilarious. Tell him.

Well, I said,
"Madam President, with deep regret..."

No, you didn't say that. He did not say that.

No, wait, that's not even the best part. Listen.

Then I said, "I'm afraid..."

"I'm going to have to accept."

He accepted.


He accepted. Oh, it's tremendous.

Welcome to the ticket.

- Thank you, Mike.
- You joker.

Okay, you need to go get things going, right?

Oh, gosh, yes.
It is with deep regret I must work.


This is the best announcement
since all those pandas got pregnant.

I don't know what that means.

- Toast!
- Thank you.

- Deep regret.
- To deep regret.

- Indeed, indeed.

Yeah. Well, we have to mark the moment,
don't we?

I'll tell you what, let's scooch down here

-just a little bit.
- That's good.

Yeah? There we go.
Take it quick, quick, quick.

Okay, all right, that's fine. That's enough.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

I should sit down with Amy Brookheimer,

see where I fit into the plan.

- Yeah, I had to let her go.
- Yeah, she went crazy.

- Yeah.
- So you don't have a campaign manager?

No, no. We do, yeah.

That's all completely under control.

Our campaign manager is... Uh...

- Kent.
- Roger that.

- Well, that was a meeting that I wasn't at.
- That is correct.

The press are excited about Tom James.

- I bet they are!

But we have to tell them who our
new campaign manager is ASAP.

Okay, good. You can go do that, then.
That's great.


- I love your tie. I love your tie.

- It's so nice.
- Thank you.

- Kent.
- KENT: Yes, ma'am?

Do you have The New York Times?

- Uh, I can get it for you. Absolutely.
- Good.

So she asked me if I would sign her breast.

I said, "Uh... How about I sign your arm?"

- Karen.
- She said, "That's no good.

"Who's gonna see that?"

What do you think about,
you know, the group?

Well, I feel like there are some people
who should be here and some who shouldn't.

- That's exactly how the president feels.
- Good.

Yeah, which is why
she's asked me to let you go.

- Interesting.
- Yeah.

Your champagne's been laced with polonium.

I mean, not really.
It's just to lighten up the moment a little bit.

But she definitely wants you to go.

- So how you feeling?
- I don't know what to think.

Precisely. You can just use that...
The door right there.



All clear, ma'am.

You don't have to risk your own life
to save another like I did

to join the hero club.

No, every single day Americans do something
that's heroic.

They live in a democracy. That's real heroism.


SELINA: Hey, hey, hey. Oh!

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Did you guys like that kiss?

You did? (LAUGHING)

Well, you know, it's funny because
we actually bumped teeth there.

I guess you guys missed it,

but you know,
we have our whole lives to practice that.

And we will.

SELINA: You leave this man alone, okay?
Precious cargo right here.

TOM: Thank you.
SELINA: Well, he's my cheerleader.

Yeah, I've got to get him pom-poms.


Thank you all so much again.
Thank you. America!

SELINA: Yes, thank you. Thank you.

TOM: Do you ever get tired of this?

SELINA: Really tired of it, yeah.
TOM: Oh.