Veep (2012–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Crate - full transcript

With Thornhill ahead in the polls, Selina and her staff discuss how to make her more folksy. Jonah, in need of a job, meets with Bill Ericsson, and asks his mom to reach out to his ...

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JOE: Thank you so much.

Victory in Iowa is just the start of the job.

- I've worked my whole life...
- Oh, please.

...and now it's time to make {his country work.

Let's take our shirts off and work up a sweat.

Listen to this idiot. They're not even
sound bites, they’re just sounds.

Yeah, but it works, though. That's the thing.

I mean, he corn-holed us in Iowa.

Well, that's appropriate. It's the corn state.

What are Thornhill's numbers now?
And please downplay them so I don't cry.

- He's killing us.
- Please downplay them, I said.

She is downplaying them, ma'am.

BEN: People like someone
who's normal, okay?

Gritty, you know, folks who actually eat grits.

I'm normal. I can be so folksy.

Doing the folksy thing with folks.


We'll push it. We'll push it more.

Well, push it. We got four days left.

AMY: Remember when we
only had five days left?

- Those were good times.
- Great times.

- Okay, we're gonna get you out in the streets.
- Okay.

You know, shopping malls,
community centers...

- Right. Right.
- BEN:' markets.

You should go to a ball game, ma'am.
Throw out the first pitch.

It's January, Mike.

SELINA: Yeah, and I can't throw a ball, Mike.

I'll look like Gary here.

- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.

Um, what about local phone-in shows?

Great idea. Talk some real vote meat.
You know.

Rub with a schlub. That kind of thing.

Guys, guys, you gotta
get out there on the stump.

That's a good point.
Nothing says "Regular American"

like standing on a street corner
shouting at strangers.

- Okay.
- Actually, I had a similar thought.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

What, are you David Coppercock?

If you like, Humor Man, yes.

- Can I get a volunteer?
- Me, me, me.

KENT: You. Come forward.

- Gary, would you please open the box.



- What is it?
- Take it out.

Oh. my God!

Wow' It's a box inside of a box.

- AMY: Jesus!

Oh, it's a crate.

- SELINA: Wow!
- You like that?

I love it. Are you okay?

- That really hurt my...
- Can you move?

- Yeah.
- KENT: Yeah, get up there.

- Take it for a test spin.
- Yes.

- Huh? See, it's folksy, it's traditional.
- That's right.

And it's reinforced with titanium
so you won't fall through.

It's fantastic. You guys,
this could be the key image for the campaign.

- Me on a crate. I love this!
- Yep.

- Ma'am, new donations.
- SELINA: God.

Mark Dugdale from Dugdale Recycling
just pledged $30,000.

Okay, so I'll make a call in to him.

I gotta tell you something.

I wanna get away from the politicos.

I wanna talk to you, the regular Joes.

- MIKE: Yeah, yeah.
- Right?

We also have $2,000 from a guy
named Paul Duffy from the local dry cleaner.

Okay, for two grand,
you don't get a call from me.

Okay? Just send him a button or something.

See, the thing is, folks,
is that this is the real America

and I want to say God bless you guys.

Oh, God! I could watch you do this all day.

You know, they accuse you
of not thinking outside the box,

but I do think outside the box.

You know what else I do?
I stand on top of a box.

- Okay, you can stop now.

- You might wanna save that voice.
- SELINA: Yeah.

- Uh, good luck with the street shouting.
- Okay.

I gotta get back to D.C., POTUS is having
a difficult time with FLOTUS and her...

- Suicide attempt, yeah.
- Yes.

SELINA: I don't blame her.
Imagine being married to that guy.

I wouldn't put up with that shit for a second.

- No.

This looks good.

- It does, right?
- AMY: Do you want to...

No, I like standing up here
and looking down at everybody.


Towns like this are what I call
the real towns of America,

the real America.

Not like the ivory towers of Washington, folks.

That's not my world at all.

I want to hear what you see.

And I wanna see what you feel.


You know what, guys?

My job is to communicate
with you, the people,

because if I don't communicate, guys,
I communi-can't.


By the way, I gotta say,
you're doing a great job.

Seriously, you do me better than I do me.

You do yourself a lot.

BILL: Joe Thornhill sends his regards.

Okay. Well, send them back.
Of course, not his. Mine.

What are you having?

JONAH: Scrambled eggs, turkey bacon,
sausage, fried egg.

You're having a fried egg
with your scrambled eggs?

Oh, yeah. It's the egg medley.

It's delicious. You've gotta try it.

It's like a chicken came in your mouth.


I think eggs are my favorite breakfast...

- So, hows the Maddox camp?
- It's chaos over there.

People can smell the stench of death
and they're running for the lifeboats.

- Really?
- Women and tall, talented men first.

Have you got any offers coming in?

The Chung camp
has expressed some interest.

- Interest? No, they're not.
- I'm sorry?

I just spoke with Chris Ellis 15 minutes ago.

There's no offer going in to you.

But I'm expecting one
because my skills are very...

You've got no skills.

Your uncle controls a lot of votes, sure.
But you?

If you tried to clap, you'd miss your hands.

Well, those votes
can be very useful to someone...

No, we're way ahead on the living dead.

We don't need your uncle or you.

Okay, well, it's not just me.

I have an entourage.

- You can bring senior staff?
- Absolutely.

Like who?

He's not gonna know.

- Boom, Isabella Herrera.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Boom, Liz Graham.
- Okay.

Ace up the sleeve. Booya, Ally Craig.

Well, that's very interesting.

So are we gonna stop dancing?
You gonna make me an offer?

Here's my offer, take your crazy eggs,
stick 'em up your ass.

Meanwhile, I can now
confidently spread the story

that the Maddox camp
is hemorrhaging like a burst dog.

Have a nice day. Oh...

Let me pick this up. I still have a job.

Oh, my God!
It's like this thing is glued to the ground, Dan.

Just try to make it look like a regular crate,
Gary, not Thor's hammer.

I like that T-shirt.

- Ma'am?
- SELINA: Yes.

Quincy Carter the editor
of the New Hampshire Globe

is hereto speak with you.

Oh, God! That Dickensian shit stack?

Yeah, well, that shit stack can swing
the entire New Hampshire vote.

- That's why they call him "The Endorser."
- Yes.

- SELINA: Mr. Carter. Oh.
- Ma'am, a pleasure.

I see you've brought
your soon-to-be-famous crate.

- Ooh.
- See our online diary piece for details.

- Crate Expectations.
- Oh, I love it!

- Gary, bring the crate over here.
- Okay, yeah.

So, what's the piece gonna say?

Oh, that it's been reinforced with titanium.

- Yes, it has.
- And that it cost $1 ,200 to make.

What? No, it didn't.

You'd have to be out of your mind
to spend that kind of money for a crate.

Well, according to the manufacturer.

- No, we don't want... We don't want...
- Yeah. Okay.

- SELINA: Um...
- Go get Mike.

- The thing is, Mr. Caner.
- QUINCY: Mmm-hmm.

You don't want to put
your foot through a crate.

She thinks it looks folksy,

but she really looks
like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.

- (LAUGHS) Stop it. That's mean.

All right, I gotta get going.

I gotta go make noises out of my face hole
or whatever it is I do.

You know, Quincy's retiring.

The Globe is gonna need
somebody who's willing to be sucked up to

and who likes to eat a lot of lunches.

Think you're man enough for that?

Leave Selina? That's not possible.

Is it? You would see a lot more of me.

Oh, no. That's not good.

- I could go look at houses.

Hey, Wendy. Mike, I know it seems weird,
but you're actually needed. Let's go.

Actually, I want to finish my muffin
and then I'll go get... Are you...

I'm helping you out. Let's go.
No, let's go. Come on.

- WENDY: That's kinda mean.
- That's very rude.

Oh, I so wish we could talk longer,
but I'm afraid, yes, we've got this...

- Quincy?
- QUINCY: Michael!

Thank you for the recipe.

Did you have a nice vacation?

The Globe is doing a piece on the crate.

Yeah, like it cost a million dollars
or something crazy.

No, no, no, there's no story there, Quincy.

Right, that's what I was saying to him.

- Yes, exactly.
- I'll take care of this.

- Okay, great. Great.
- QUINCY: What?

Oh, my God!
I cannot stand that affected butt plug.

If I could lift the fucking crate,
I'd beat him to death with it.

- Okay, we will get rid of him.
- MIKE: Good news.

Quincy's agreed to do
a more substantial in-depth interview.

- We'll schedule it for tomorrow.
- That would be the other option.

- QUINCY: Splendid.
- Yes.

Now I am away to lunch.
Wine and branzini wait for no man.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Until we meet again.

- Okay, bon appétit.
- QUINCY: Merci.

- You fucking douche.
- He is a character, though.

I hate those. Hate.

All right, so where is Kent?

I think he's still with FLOTUS.

God. I hope he doesn't give her
a crate to stand on.

Otherwise she's gonna hang herself
from the nearest light fixture.

JONAH: All right, call me anytime.

Honey, come help Mom sort her pills.
You used to love that.

I screwed up, Mom.
I should've never joined Maddox.

And now he's finished
and I've come home to die.

Well, can your D.C. friends help?

I don't have any friends in D.C., Mom.
They all call me a dick behind my back.

But, like, right behind my back
so I can hear them.

Like you always said, honey,
"Haters gonna hate."

Right, exactly.

One day, they'll wish they had listened to me.

God, I wish I had a dirty bomb.

Mom, do you think that you could talk
to Uncle Jeff for me?

- No.
- I want a job on my own merits

and I think that he's the guy to get it for me.

You know, we're not on good terms.

You don't have to fuck him, Mom.

- You just have to call him.
- What?

- Don't give me that look.
- All right.

- It's how D.C. people talk.
- I know.

If you wanna walk the walk,
you have to talk that talk.


It's not a radical stance on immigration at all.

It's really more of a practical stance.

- Ma'am, that is going to fly with our readers.
- Oh, good.

And, finally, ma'am, might I ask you the QQQ?

- "Quincy's Quirky Questions"?
- Yes.

I ask the same questions
to everyone I interview.

A little spécialité de la maison.

Ah, magnifique. (CHUCKLES)

What person, living or dead,
do you most despise?

I really try not to hate anybody
because I think it's a negative use of energy

to hate another human being.

Ah. Most people say Hitler.


Well, yeah, certainly. I'm not a fan of Hitler.

So, change it to Hitler?

Okay, Hitler, yeah.

What would you alter about your personality?


I guess I would say that
I can be a little bit impatient.

- Oh, God, yes, you can be.
- AMY: No.

So I guess I would... I should change that.

Neil Diamond gave the same answer.

What fun. I love him.

Sweet Caroline is so good,
and Cracklin' Rosie is just...

Why does God allow suffering?


SELINA: Well, I wouldn't ever presume
to know the mind of God...

(SOFTLY) Siri, why does God allow suffering?

I think that suffering
can engender a kind of resilience.

Although that doesn't
really explain childhood cancers and...

"Childhood cancers." Excellent answer.

Shall we halt there? I have a recital to attend.

- Well, I don't want to keep you from that.
- Oh, well.


"Always a pleasure. Never a chore."

Yes, there you go. I love the French talking.

- It's wonderful. Thank you so much.
- MIKE: Thanks so much, Quincy.


He has his head so up his ass,
he can wave out his mouth.

I mean, honestly.

Ma'am, we have a donation offer
from Oliveri Systems for $4,000.

Four grand?
That's not even worth cashing the check.

I'll have the guys call back. It is a GUMMI.

GUMMI? What's that?

G-U-M-M-l, "Give Us More Money, Idiot."

BEN: Who changed the code?

What happened to HADDA?

"How About Digging Deeper, Assholes?"

I always call them dicks.

It doesn't stand for anything.

- Oh, shit.

(WHISPERING) What do I do? What do I do?

BENZ (STAMMERING) I don't want it!

There, it's not recording anymore.

- Delete it.
- AMY: It knows too much.

- SELINA: Delete it.
- You can't delete it because if you do,

then he'll know we did it and he'll think
we said some terrible things, which we did.

- SELINA: Who cares?
- Let's just throw it in the toilet.

- And say what, Mike?
- That we dropped it in the toilet.

Guys, guys, guys, you better decide quickly.

Ah, too late. Went into sleep mode.

Quincy's heading back up.
He forgot his phone.

On, Gary, (STAMMERING) go stall him.

- Yeah.
- No.

SELINA: You need to stall him.

It's password-protected.

- Fuck.
- Hang on, hang on.

"0001, 0002..."

You cannot be serious.

Mr. Caner, hi. Gary Walsh.

I just wanted to say I'm a big fan.

Thank you. You are from the South.
I hear it in your voice.

- I am. Alabama.
- I just need to retrieve my cell phone.

You can't go in there at the moment.

- I'm sorry.
- Why not?

I don't know.

- Matters of state?
- I don't know.

I see.

So, where exactly in Alabama are you from?

Don't know.

Birmingham. Have you heard of Birmingham?

- It is a lovely...
- I really do need my cell.

- I'm gonna go talk to them for just a second.
- Let's both do that.

It locked me out.

- Smash it.
- MIKE: Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.
Violence solves everything.

- Just sma. ..
- You have it. Marvelous.

- Madam Vice President.
- Hello.

No, the light bulb's fine' see?

- AMY: Oh, all right. Yeah.
- See? Yeah.

I was just admiring it.
Your charging portal is so clean.

- Do you swab it?
- No. But, "For this relief, much thanks."

"Exit, pursued by a bear."


First I want to apologize
for what I said last time we spoke.

You know when I've had a drink,
I can be a little...

- (SOFTLY) A bit Of a bitch.
- Be a little feisty.


So, how's the family?

Lucy's... Lucy's engaged.

- Who cares?
- That's wonderful.

Yeah, I'm good.
I had one of my blood sugar episodes

- at CVS the other day...
- Mom, nobody cares.

- But I tell you what.
- Get to it.

I'm calling, Jeff, because I was wondering

if maybe you could make a call over
to Governor Chung's campaign team

and tell them that Jay Jay needs a job.

No, no, Jay Jay has a lot of job offers.

Jay Jay has a lot of job offers.

- And maybe Governor Chung...
- And maybe Governor Chung...

- ...would want to snap him up.
- ...want to snap him right up.


Yeah, yeah, I know he can be.

But I was just wondering,
do you think you could help us out, Jeff?


- What's he saying?
- Okay.

He's gonna be thrilled when I tell him.


So, Lucy, is she pregnant?

No, I wasn't accusing.

I was just asking, is she pregnant?

What is wrong with you?

Well, we all know she's no angel.

She does drugs. She's got that tattoo...


Mom, what happened?

He hung up. He's such a jackass.

But he's gonna make the call to Chung, right?

- Oh, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh, Mom!

Oh, you are so annoying!

How do you not just punch
yourself in the face?

- Call him back.
- He's not going to answer.

Who else can we call?

Oh, I don't know, Mom.
Is there anyone else in our family

that controls the senior citizen vote
in New England?

Because that'd be my next fucking call.

This community center,
it's got volunteers and homeless people?

And is there anybody else there?

An immigrant family from Syria
who had a horrific time getting to America.

- They're gonna be good to talk to.
- SUE: Ma'am. Ma'am.

Oliveri Systems just withdrew its donations
and so has Dugdale Recycling.

- Just now.

Yeah, it's out there.

Quincy ran an online piece
about the GUMMI code.

- You're kidding.
- MIKE: No.

You're kidding...

DAN: I've got it right here.

"Any organization donating
to the Meyer campaign

"may want to reflect on
how its tightfisted idiocy

"is mocked by the woman
on the $1,200 crate."

Okay, well...


Well, there's just...

There's no way out of this.

I mean, you know,
not for a sitting vice president

who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire.

You know what WP“ stands for?

It stands for "Victory Permafucked."

I don't deserve this.

You know? God damn it.

I don't, but you do,
because you are all losers!

Every motherfucking one of you.

Loser! Loser!


Madam Vice President,
are all your donors idiots or just a select few?

Just don't say anything, you'll be fine.

Is this your idea of fiscal responsibility?

- I'm Amy Brookheimer.
- Relax, relax.

- A little room, please. Yeah.
- Hypertension kills.

- It's such an honor.
- REPORTER: Did you know how much

that crate cost? And when did you know it?

The Vice President is not here
to answer questions right now.

She's hereto reach out to the community.

Listen, I'm so sorry about all of this.

You're asking a rhetorical question
and the answer is obviously no.

See this?

I'm done. I'm done.

- BEN: Take your lithium, jag-offs.
- MIKE: God, it's so good to hear your voice.

No, it's going much worse.

Let's find us a house, Wendy,
where we can keep ducks.

For us and the ducks.

Of course, the kids, too.

- AMY: Mike.
- I have to go see homeless people.

And see if there's one with a pool.

This is Elida and Fadi.

Hello, hi.

I really want to hear your story.

It is not a nice one.

No, life can be very challenging.

I mean, sometimes through
no fault of your own,

it's just one...

Disaster after another disaster.

Syria is very troubled.

Hmm? Oh, Mmm-hmm.

- Right.
- AMY: Ma'am, Kent is here.

He's acting weird.

Not normal weird, weird-weird.

What does that mean?

- Kent.
- Ma'am...

What, are you okay?

Kind of, in a way, and also not.

And in a third way both.

What are you talking about?
What is it? Are we at war?

Ma'am, we're America. We're always at war.

The First Lady isn't in a good place.

Oh. The hospital.

Mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants
to devote more time to looking after her.


- At any rate...
- Yeah.

He's gonna resign.



Ma'am, you're about to become
the 45th President of the United States.

It's not a dress rehearsal, not a drill.

You are going to be the President.

- Now?
- We're not sure when, but very soon.


Where's POTUS gonna live, though?

- Where is he...
- Yeah, 'cause doesn't he have to move?

Well, yeah, but that's none of your concern.

- That'll be taken care of.
- No, but does he have a house?

Somebody will handle that.
You don't have to worry about that.

You okay?

I just have to go to the bathroom.

- Do you know where it is?
- I think it's behind you.


GARY: Ma'am? Excuse me.

Ma'am? Ma'am?


Hi, ma'am. You all right?


- Gary...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.


(WHISPERING) I'm gonna be President.

Of course you are.

I mean, there's always hope, ma'am.

We've got plenty of hope in this world.

No, no, no, no. I mean...

POTUS is gonna resign...

And I'm about to become President

of America! (CHUCKLES)


No, no, no. Don't cry.

Don't cry.

Oh. Ooh-ooh.

Your nose is bleeding. You're bleeding.
Oh, my God, you're bleeding!

Oh, Gary...

- When I get excited, my nose bleeds.

- What?
- When I get excited, my nose bleeds.

Okay, you've gotta sit down.
Wait, you've gotta sit down.

Gary, you've gotta sit down
and put your head back.

- Put your head back.
- When I get excited...

Well, that's good. Wait, let me get you...

Shit. Gary, there's...


- There's no toilet paper.
- Go in my bag.

- SELINA: What?
- Go in my bag.

GARY: It's in my bag. (COUGHS)


It's in the... It's in the...

- SELINA: What? Where is it?
- It's in the outer...

- It's in the outer pocket.
- Wait, what?

What is this for?

Oh, shit. That looks bad through here.


Stick these in your nose.

Shove this up there.

That'll do the trick.

Why is there a bicycle book?

Gary, seriously, why...

My God! You look so disgusting.

I love bicycles.

I got it. Here, I got it. I got it.
Here, shove these in. Shove these in.

We gotta get out... Uh-oh.

Everything all right?


Great. I need to go.

(WHISPERING) Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy.

- Jesus, what the fuck happened to you?
- Listen, listen.

The President is resigning.
Selina is gonna be President.


DAN: What's going on? What's up?

POTUS is resigning. Selina's President.


(WHISPERS) POTUS is stepping down.
Selina's gonna be President.

Fuck off!

POTUS is gonna resign.
Selina is gonna be President.

Oh, shit.

I was gonna raise ducks.

SELINA: Okay, take two.

I'm so sorry I went away, but now I'm back.

WOMAN: Fadi and Elida,
they've had a terrible time.

No. Oh, I bet they have.

WOMAN: They just arrived a month ago.

At Rye Harbor.

Rye Harbor. Oh, that's lovely.

So you had a safe arrival,
which means that Lady Luck was with you.

Our journey was like a horrible dream.


- Right.
- At one time, we hid in a well for five days.

Good Lord. A well.


- Yeah?
- Um.

It's happening in 48 hours.

Okay, I gotta go, but, gosh, good luck
with all of your terrible troubles

and welcome to America.



(WHISPERS) Winner, winner,
winner, winner, winner.

Winner, winner, winner.

Okay, okay, so as weird as this may seem...


You are still running a campaign.

- Oh, my God, right.
- So somebody has to be here.

Obviously, I have to go with you
because I'm...

- My campaign manager.
- Yeah, and we'll talk Chief of Staff.

And you have to come with me, Ben.

That's what all the chicks say.

- Shh!

- And, Mike, I need you.
- Yes, you do.

And obviously I need to come with you
'cause you need my...

- Ruthless eye.
- Yeah, I have no soul.


- And, Gary...
- Yeah?

- I need you to stay.
- What?

Yeah, I need you to stay here to be the face
of the campaign and everything.

- Okay?
- What?

And then tomorrow, you take
a commercial flight back to D.C.

And then we can talk inauguration shoes.

Okay, ma'am, but this is the most
important moment of my... Of your life.

It's going. It's going.

Sorry, I just feel like it was...

I'd be right next to you.

I mean, I would absolutely
agree that that would be me.


DAN: This is better than any of the sex
I've ever had.

I mean, almost any of it.

I feel sick, but it’s just in my neck, you know?


Only 44 other senior press advisers
have ever felt like this.

That's right, yeah.
We're the chosen ones, bud.

It really is all about you, isn't it?

The President announced that he will be

stepping down with immediate effect

- in order to help his wife deal with her illness.
- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Fuck me.

GARY: Is this soup vegetarian?

- I think it's vegan.
- Nice.

So maybe one or two types of beans?

I wouldn't know. I don't make the soup.

Maybe three, actually.

- I don't know.
- Yeah.

JONAH: Someone has just flown two planes
into my career.

My heart is racing, like, 200 miles an hour.

Me, too, but that's normal for me
'cause I'm not a healthy man.

JONAH: I don't understand this,

'cause yesterday we were
all doing jokes about the box,

now she's Commander-in-Chief.

How has this happened?

So, what's it like working
for the Vice President?

It's my greatest joy
just to stand by her every day,

just to be by her side.

JONAH: Buy yourself a gun, Mom,

because America's gonna
have to shoot its way out of this.

Does she often leave you behind?

No, this is the first time.



(VOICE BREAKING) Oh, I didn't get any salad.

Oh, God, Mom. No, make this stop.

- Okay, okay.
- No, don't turn it off, Mom.

BEN: Wow.

- This must be what it feels like to be happy.

Ma'am, are you okay?

I'm gonna be the fucking President.

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