Veep (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Midterms - full transcript

North Dakota. We can do this together.

There is no "I" in freedom.

Freedom is not "me-dom."

- it's "we-dom."
- (SUPPORTERS CHEERING)

I visited a dance studio
in Hartford, Connecticut.

When I was there,
I met a brave firefighter in a wheelchair.

Back then, we didn't know
what HIV positive was.

Which meant he had to lose his kidney.

He shook my hand and he said,

"You don't remember me,

"but I am your grandpa."



(SUPPORTERS CHEERING)

The next governor of Ohio, Roger Furlong.

- I fluffed 'em, now go fuck 'em.
- Oh, shove it.

- All the ladies in the house say "free."
- WOMEN: Free!

- All the men in the house say "dom."
- MEN: Dom!

Thank you! Thank you!

- Wow, this is amazing.
- Right?

- It's like a happy Nuremberg.
- I know.

Where'd the Red Sea go?
That ladyjust parted it.

SELINA: (LAUGHING) Hey, POTUS needs
to know about this 'cause Meyer's on fire.

We just lost the Florida
third, fifth, and sixth.

Great, so much for the
retired mobster vote.

Florida, ought to break it off
at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba.

Sir, the west coast exit
polls are looking bad.



What about New England?

Worse than the JPAC's
worst projection, sir.

Are you getting ready
to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head?

Uh, no. No, sir.

- Thank you. Thank you, sir.
- Yeah.

Dale, I'm so sorry. What are we gonna do
without you in the Senate?

On, they...

Yeah.

Yeah, you lost, Dale.

(WHISPERING) on, my God.

And, actually, I was told
that you'd been told.

Right. Sounds like you're
in a public place there, Dale,

so you got to... You got to breathe deep.

Hang in there, buddy. I got to go. (GROANS)

We just lost the New Hampshire first.

Okay, great. Everybody hates us.

You know what? I'm beginning to hate us.
I mean, this is POTUS's fault

because, guys,
I killed it at every campaign visit, right?

Yeah, you did.
My girlfriend said you are a rock star.

There was a lot
of love for you on the campaign trail.

- Yeah, a lot of love.
- No, not for you, Marjorie.

In fact, that's probably why you lost
the New Jersey fifth.

- Good-bye.
- You know what?

This is time for POTUS to start honoring

- his ticket promises to me.
- Mmm-hmm.

SELINA: I want my regular

- one-on-one meetings.
- Hello?

I want more responsibilities
in infrastructure and education reform.

I want an expanded role
in deficit reduction talks.

I want a Cartier fucking dildo.

- Hmm? Oh! Oh...(CHUCKLES)
- SELINA: Hey, Ame, are you listening?

Yes. My mom just called.

My dad may have had a stroke.

Oh, my God. Amy, I'm so sorry.

Is he speaking?

Well, he told my mom he felt worse that
time he ate gay Jap raw fish shit.

Oh! Amy, that's a great sign,
because that's a very complex sentence.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Unless he's slurring his words.

Well, it...

So, do you need to go and be with him?

My mom said he was asking for me,
but (STAMMERS) my sister's there.

Oh, good. Seriously, if you walked in,

can you imagine
how stressed out he might be

with like, "What are you doing here?
Isn't it time that you be with the Veep?

"It's the freakin' midterms
and isn't she gonna take this opportunity

"to expand her role in the White House?"
Or whatever he might say.

But if you need to go, Amy, you should go.

- No. I'm good. I'm here.
- All right, good.

- So you got what I said before?
- Yes, Cartier dildo.

Huh?

Uh, I was thinking about my dad,
but I am not now.

You know what? Dana's dad had a
knee operation and it was...

Oh, my God, Gary,
stop going on about your girlfriend.

(CHUCKLES) Really? Am I that bad?

Yeah, this is you, Gary.
"Dana, Dana, Dana, Dana."

Okay. Okay. Okay, Sue. Thank you.

All right, item number one, job share.

We are going co-POTAL, right?

AMY: Apparently POTUS Chief of Staff's
telling everyone to write their will.

The mood over there is
gonna be pretty grim.

- Like Jonestown.
- Oh, you know what I want?

I want that lipstick
that my stylist recommended.

- (GASPS) Ooh! Miami Sunburst.
- Yeah.

So when it hits 2:00 a.m.

my eyes will say Holocaust,

- my mouth will say Carnival.
- (GARY CHUCKLING)

Does anyone have anything on Ohio?

Or why this fucking Internet
is sketchier than our economic forecasts?

That's 'cause your laptop
is still running on Windows 2000 and shit.

Okay, this just in from jStat central.

We've got the seventh
and ninth in Utah down.

Team Jonah's gonna have
that stat watch, okay?

You come to me.
Have some nachos and numbers, huh?

Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash

shoving a train wreck
onto a crowded highway.

Is this gonna hit the Dow?
Maybe I should have bought stock.

Why, you got money problems?

Not money problems, money challenges.

- MANI Yeah!
- (PEOPLE CHEERING)

Is that Furlong?

Minnesota. Danny Chung
just increased his margin.

Want to bet how long it takes Chung
to mention his war record?

No.

Come on. 100 bucks says he drops it
in the first five seconds.

And I intend to serve you the way I served

the American people overseas
when they needed me.

Oh! Ker-Chung, ker-ching. Pay up. Yeah.

I need something positive, okay?
Something to boost morale.

We're ahead on voter turnout
in Lake County, Indiana.

What? That's it?

That and the big quake
hasn't yet hit San Francisco.

Okay. (QUIETLY HUMS DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Hello, everyone.

BEN: Madam Vice President.

(CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY)
Well, I have some good news.

- It seems...
- Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout

in Lake County, Indiana. J-dog out.

I'm sorry, Madam Vice President,
you were saying?

I was saying exactly that.

(QUIETLY) Yeah, that'll take
the edge off this cornholing.

Everyone, please be seated.

Keep up the good work. Okay? Hey, Ben?

Ben?

Did you borrow
Selina's Miami Sunburst, Sue?

- No.
- Oh, my God.

- Mike, your phone's ringing.
- MIKE: Could you get it, please?

It's the morning shows.
She's not doing them.

This is Mike McLintock's phone.

He's asked me to put you on hold.

If I do not return,
then you've got your answer.

Am I disturbing your downtime, Mike?

Give me a break. I'm on eBay.

Is this it? Nope, it's a rape alarm.

Like she's ever gonna need that.

I mean, she's not ugly,
but she's got a lot of security.

Communications is your job, Mike.

I'm in a financial hole, okay?

I bought something I shouldn't have
and I can't get rid of it.

- What did you buy?
- A boat.

- Is that a euphemism?
- No, it's a boat.

It's a leaky fucking boat
and no one's bidding on it.

Do not yell at me, Mike.
I did not force you to buy a boat.

I have a cracked keel,
I have to dry-dock it.

There's a bilge, which I don't even know

- where the fuck a bilge is...
- GARY: Stop talking about boats, please.

Can someone please help me out
for a second? One second.

Okay, hmm, what is the solution
to your problem, Gary?

Oh! Use another lipstick.

Wow, that was easy.
What is the solution to my problem?

I sell a kidney?

GARY: You know what?
You know what? Coral Blush.

That's gonna look the same. Coral Blush.

Stay over there.

Ben?

Ben?

- What are you doing in here?
- Getting away from the bad news.

Just trying to realign myself.

- You know what I'd like?
- (STAMMERS) Uh-uh.

I'd like to be cryogenically suspended.

Yeah, and then be woken up in the future?

No, never wake up. Just stay suspended.

Are you drunk?

No, I'm just depressed.

All right, look.

I got a plan.

I'm gonna take more of a leadership role on
as vice president starting tonight

and I need your advice
as how to set that in motion.

Ask Kent.

Kent Davison?

Yeah, he's back. Senior strategist.

- No.
- Yeah.

Do you know what his strategy was
two years ago?

Do you remember that?
He had me hang with my ex-husband

like we were this normal, loving family.

He made us go river rafting together.

Catherine got giardia.

And I had to listen to Andrew bang
that skank on the riverbank all night.

I said to Kent, "Can you make me feel
good about this somehow?"

And you know what he does?
He points to a graph.

- He is cold.
- Yeah, he's got ice in his semen.

Right. When's he coming back?

- Oh, he's back.
- What?

He's already squirreled away
in an air vent somewhere

with his fucking statistics.

Where? Where's his office?

You know that portrait with the guy
who looks like a fat Wolverine?

- Oh, yeah.
- It's just one door on the left from there.

- But wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What?

You know what's gonna
happen to me tomorrow?

No.

My good friend POTUS,
my Gamma Chi brother,

is gonna summon me to his office
and he's gonna show me a sword

and he's gonna tell me to take the sword

and slide it down my throat
until it comes out my ass.

Ben, one day we are gonna laugh about this.

One final item...

Although the Vice President
appreciates your offer

of stale pastries and
pleasant conversation,

she will not be doing
the morning shows tomorrow.

Is she deserting a sinking ship, Mike?
(CHUCKLING)

Is that a crack about my boat?
Really funny.

- You guys are hilarious.
- Put your boat on eBay.

- Thank you.
- MAN: Can you put a sinking ship on eBay?

- Thank you.
- MAN 2: You can put anything on there.

Has no track record as a senator.

I've been around the block, honey.

You haven't seen lipstick lying around,
have you?

Oh, yeah, it's in the office

next to your Klonopin
and feminine itch powder.

I swear to God.

- Guess who's back.
- Not Furlong yet.

You can trust me and the people of Ohio.

I think there's gonna be
quite a few surprises tonight.

Isn't that the catchphrase
of the world's creepiest babysitter?

Speaking of creepy, Kent Davison is back.

Kent Davison? The Pol Pot of pie charts.

Wow, that guy is ruthless.
A total inspiration.

JONAH: Hey.

Hey, I know you think
my stat guys are bullshit,

but we got early exits
on Ohio gubernatorial

- and they are not good for you, Mr. Egan.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS)

Shut up. Dan Egan's office.

Hello, Dan.
I've got Congressman Furlong for you.

Here you go, sir.

Wipe that thing off
before you hand it to me.

- Here you go.
- Hey, there, pretty boy.

You know what they call
guys like you in prison? Sweetmeat.

I have no plan to go to
prison, Congressman.

Holy shit, is that him?

Nobody plans on going to prison, dipshit.

- That's just the way it works out sometimes.
- You are fucked.

I can tell you this,
if I lose this election tonight

and I'm back on that
Congressional Oversight Committee,

your ass is toast because I don't like
the way your boss runs things over there

and you are a mighty soft target.

If I have to come after you, Dan,
I can promise you something.

You're gonna have
to be prepared to be gay for the stay

'cause you're going down.

Chin up, buddy. You'll be fine.

Mouth open.

Fat Wolverine.

Oh! Kent.

- Madam Vice President.
- Look at you, you're all back.

I see they took out the
sink and the toilet.

Made it a little roomier for you.

I could punch through the wall
and tap POTUS on the shoulder.

And what would you be tapping him on the
shoulder about specifically, do you figure?

- Repositioning.
- So glad to hear you say that.

We are on the same page, my friend,

both in terms of the party
and, of course, in terms of myself.

Am I supposed to ask a question now?

Oh, sure. If you want. Fire away.

And what would that question be?

Well, that question might be, uh,

what do you think is
the best reposition to take?

And what would the answer
to that question be?

And the answer to that question would be

standing right in front of you.

The answer would be a certain someone,

shall we say,
whose skills were not adequately tapped.

That's some question.

So, we're good.

We're good.

Great. I'm so glad that we
had this chance to connect.

I really am.

I don't think I was
actually very clear before.

- No.
- My uncle used to have this saying.

He used to say to me,
"Honey, if you're not at the table,

"you're probably on the menu."

And, Kent, I will not be eaten.

Why would anyone want to eat you?

You do know that
I am not running for office right now?

I am, in fact, the vice president.

I wouldn't dispute your title.
I might question your role.

It would be great if you'd stand up
when the vice president enters a room.

- Oh, Lord, all right.
- Oh, Lord.

- There you go.
- Whoa, at ease, Kent.

I'm just looking for my mug.

Yeah. I love this baby.

- It holds about nine cups' worth.
- SELINA: Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's the only thing
I'd save if this building were on fire.

Okay. This is such
a silly conversation that we're having.

I'm gonna go talk to the President.

- He went to bed.
- He's in bed?

So that makes you the live wire, huh?

- This can't get out.
- It won't get out.

JONAH: Everyone, POTUS has gone to bed.

So let's make sure
we make his dreams come true tonight

by fighting until that last bullet.

Why don't you take the first bullet
and put it through your brain?

(CHUCKLES) Yes, sir. (MIMICS GUNSHOT)

I'm gonna have more of a role
in this administration.

Well, I just crunched the numbers.

I know. You're the numbers cruncher.

And right now they taste
pretty bland to me.

Well, salt and pepper 'em.

Marion, listen very closely.

You have as much chance
of getting the Vice President on your show

as you have of getting your husband
to leave that cheerleader.

Yes, Marion.
We're all aware of that. Good-bye.

Touch and go? Is that what they said?

No, it's a classic.
There's a mounting on it for a harpoon gun.

Well, Richard,
if you hear me say no, that means no.

No.

You good slapping down those hacks?

SUE: I really do enjoy it.

It's kind of like dumping
all my ex-boyfriends at once.

You got a lot of exes, huh?

Hey, dumpling. It's Gary.

I'm sorry I missed you.

It's just I can't find her lipstick

and I thought maybe it fell out of
the Leviathan at home. Or something...

Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back.

Yeah.

So, number one,
what are we gonna do about it?

Number two, why am I telling you this news?

And number three,
would you please hang up the phone

because I'm the fucking
Vice President of the United States

- and I have something to say.
- I'm going.

So now we got to figure out
a way to get Kent on board

with this whole CO-POTAL thing.

You can't reason with him. It'd be like
explaining Supertramp to a Komodo dragon.

SELINA: I don't know what those words mean.

Mike, are you in the middle
of some sort of aneurysm?

- Let's just wind back a sec, okay?
- Yes.

You think Kent Davison is a bad thing?

Okay. All right.

I have a very strong feeling

that Kent is gonna get
in between me and POTUS,

like some sort of thick rubber condom,
and I have got to have...

- Unprotected.
- Unprotected access to the Oval Office.

Well, uh, Amy, you were on
the campaign trail with him.

Yeah.

- How do we pop him?
- Uh, I...

- Well, I guess...
- What?

(STAMMERS)

- Hey. Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah?

You have to go and see your dad.

(STAMMERING) This is the midterms.

Amy, it's the fucking midterms. Go.

Thank... Thank you.

It's the fucking midterms.

Unbelievable.

Okay, everybody, it's official.

- We have lost...
- JONAH: We have just lost the House.

So put everything on the wagons
and shoot the dogs

because we have just
lost the fucking House.

- What he just said.
- DAN: Yes!

- What?
- What?

I think this is it.
I think this is our time to strike.

- Yeah.
- Okay, here's the plan. I'm gonna go peepee

and then we're gonna neutralize Kent.

Very good.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, Mike. Give me a hug.
Uncle Ben's on his way out.

What is that, Ralph Lauren?

For men.

Well, that's a good scent.

- Congressman.
- Hey, Brokeback Egan.

Excuse me. Would you get that
fucking thing out from under my nose?

I could...

I just want to offer my sincere condolences

on the loss of your gubernatorial race.

Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.

Oh, and on the loss of
your committee chairmanship, sir.

You know, now that we lost the House...

We just lost the House and you're crowing?

You're actually pleased about this?

Why? Because well, we lost the House,
that's bad, obviously,

but now this gets me off
your case and that's okay?

Couldn't have put that better myself, sir.

Are you eating my pizza?

No, sir, you... Because you said that...

No, I said don't wave it in my face.

- I didn't say eat it.
- It's still good.

- Eat it! Eat it all right now!
- I'm sorry.

Got here as soon as I could.

SOPHIE: Just really glad you could fit
your father into your busy schedule.

MRS. BROOKHEIMER: She means hi, honey.

(SIGHS) Uh...

- Why is this heart monitor not on?
- I'm fine.

They don't know if it was
a stroke or not, hon.

Okay.

(SIGHS) You said Dad was dying.

Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Amy.

All the shouting certainly
isn't helping anything.

Yeah, stop shouting, Sophie.

Oh, my God, Amy.
You work for the Vice President.

It's not like it's Google.

- Dan.
- Yeah?

- (CLAPS) My peepee is done.
- Yes, ma'am.

- Let's go crack Kent.
- JONAH: Okay, J-dog update.

Oh, God. It's fucking Big Bird.
Let's go through here.

SELINAI Oh!

Sorry to disturb.

Don't know what you're doing,
but I will leave you to it.

JONAH: Hey, Madam Vice President.

I see you've found my crib.
This is Team Jonah.

This is my hot stat three-piece,
my data Nirvana.

Madam Vice President,
it is such an honor to meet you.

Thank you so much. I really
appreciate all the work you're doing

on this terribly depressing evening.

Actually, not terrible for you.

Your campaign visits
always lead to a bump for the candidate.

- What?
- You have been a consistent integer.

I'm not really sure I remember
what an integer is, per se.

You're great news. You even aced POTUS.

- You're like Neo.
- Wow.

- What's a Neo?
- He's from The Matrix.

Everything he does is awesome.

The first movie. The sequels sucked.

Guys, we agreed to let
The Matrix debate lie.

Jesus, I can feel my virginity
growing back in here.

So you're saying that
all of these numbers are good for me?

- They're great for you.
- That is outstanding.

(CHUCKUNG)

Um, could you collate this
for me very quickly?

Signed, sealed, delivered. (CLICKS TONGUE)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

- Okay, meet me in Kent's office.
- Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, Kent Davison?
He's in the Oval Office with POTUS.

- Uh, POTUS is awake?
- Yeah, last I heard.

Okay, I will be in the Oval Office.

I will be expecting that material.

Thank you very much.

So what format do you want this in?

Excel? Pie charts?

Just, like, in English.

Is that a racist joke?

Yeah.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Amy, Amy, Amy. Oh, thank God.

- What?
- Listen, Amy.

Something has happened
to the Vice President.

I know your dad is dying
and I'm really, really sorry, Amy,

but I think Dana took Selina's lipstick.

It's the one thing Selina asked for

and I don't have it and
it's ruining her night.

Fine, keep your bra on.
I'll swing by your place and pick it up.

Thank you. Listen, I've got
two options I can offer her

as a stopgap and then we can...
Okay. Great.

Back soon, Daddy.

Hope your boss at CVS
is okay with you taking time off.

Always with the last word.
That's why you're single. Guys hate that.

You have three kids by two different guys.

Maybe your last word should have been no.

Kent.

Where's the President?

Asleep.

Well, should you be in here?

People need to think he's in here leading.

But he's not.

He is, according to the rumor I put out.

Well, I'm not in here.

But since I am here, (CLEARS THROAT)

I thought maybe we could agree

that at any joint meetings
that you and I have with the President,

I will be first in and I will be last out.

Fine, but as senior strategist,
I'll already be in the room.

Are you suggesting that a senior strategist

is a higher position than a vice president?

- It depends on the vice president.
- Yeah?

Well, this one is me and I'm fucking great.

And you're not an elected representative.

You're only an elected
representative by default.

The American people voted for him.

And him chose me, okay?

I'm gonna be in the room first.
I'm gonna be in the room last.

You think this is a negotiation?

What leverage do you think that you have?

Oh, I have leverage.

I got a big bag of leverage coming my way.

So, vice president, president... Barn!

Come on, you are the vice president.

By definition, you should be at
half the height of the president.

You want to see where you are?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Hi, Kent. How's it going?

Thank you so much
for bringing us the memo on aggregates.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Now why don't you just
go and fuck yourself in your own asshole?

What the fuck do you want?

Ma'am, we have that data you requested.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come.

- Was there a TV on in here?
- SELINA: No. Come in.

You might want to sit down for this.

- It's okay. I'm all right.
- Okay. Hit it.

When it comes to successful
campaign visits, ma'am,

you have a lead over POTUS of 0.9%.

Yeah, but that's not even a percentage.

If we round it up, we can make it one.

- I couldn't find...
- Just...

Sir, she has strong utility
in key demographics...

Uh, working mothers, Hispanic voters.

- She gives us traction in swing votes.
- Yeah.

- She's a useful tool.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not gonna be used
as a prop again, my friend.

I will never forget on election night
how you put my ex-husband up on that stage

and it was my night, Kent.

It was a healing image for America.

Oh! The way that you used
Catherine to make it look

as if we were all coming together.

- Calm down.
- Don't you tell me to calm down!

I saw that photo that
you had in your office

with the word "glue"
written across her forehead.

- Better if I said cement?
- Here's some good lipstick.

- Fuck that lipstick! Ooh!
- (KENT WHIMPERING)

Kent? Are you okay? I'm so sorry.

- What, are you high?
- No, no, she's not.

No, that was my fault.

Um...

What's going on?

Just been with the President.

He's asked me to stay on.

My eye hurts.

What's that shit all over the carpet?

- (SELINA GASPS)
- DAN: on, shit. Ooh...

If you have some white wine vinegar,
that'll get it right out.

SELINAI What?

White wine vinegar will lift the stain.

You take your eyebrows

- and you get out.
- GARY: Here, ma'am.

I've got some wipes.
I've got a lot of wipes.

Look right here. It's over here, too.

GARY: Ma'am, no! You're tracking it!
DAN: No, no, no, no!

SELINA: What?
DAN: Don't do that.

It's stuck on the bottom of your shoe.

SELINA: Wait, do I put this one down?
Is this clean?

- Wait a minute. Just answer that.
- GARY: Yes.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, get it off my shoe.

- Don't wipe it. Just give me the shoe.
- All right, take the shoe.

- You should not be in here. We need to go.
- I know.

We'll do a little hop.
Ready? One, two... There we go.

- You got to clean it up.
- It's gonna be fine.

- It's a lot.
- SELINA: You can do it, though.

- DAN: He's okay, he's okay.
- Okay. Okay.

GARY: Oh, God.

God, God.

- Amy.
- Dana, hi. Have you got the lipstick?

Feel like my lips have touched the Veep's.
It's quite a thrill.

- That's a little disrespectful.
- Oh, hey, Amy,

let's not start off on
the wrong foot, okay?

I'm a big part of Gary's life now.

And you're welcome to him.

(SCOFFS) Amy, I think we both know
that any woman who's met him

but didn't get to keep him
is gonna see me as the enemy.

I'm sorry, but you missed your chance.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, my God. I got the lipstick out.

What? What are you doing?
Nobody is gonna know about that.

Sue, did the President call?

- Uh, ma'am, he did, actually.
- What?

- BEN: Madam Vice President.
- Huh?

POTUS has noticed your 0.9%
and he's giving you an enhanced role

- in foreign policy.
- What? Really?

So, Kim Jong-whatever
is swinging his nuclear dick again.

The Russians have planted their flag
on a Norwegian pile of pelican shit.

Could you just send that to me
in an e-mail or something?

You got a sit-down
with CENTCOM in two hours.

What?

Some US backpackers tried to smoke a doobie
with the wrong dudes

and they have been kidnapped in Uzbekistan.

Uzbekistan is between Turkmenistan

and I-could-give-a-fuck-istan.
There's a map on page 376.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Kent.

Oh, I'm so sorry about before.

Although, God, you made a funny noise.

I wish I could get that as my ringtone.

How's this for a funny noise, ma'am?

POTUS wants you to do the morning shows.

- What?
- You will be the face of our failure.

No, no, Kent.
I can't do that. I'm exhaustipated.

You're booked for 27 interviews.

- Better put on some lipstick.
- Wow.

JONAH: We lost the battle, but we ain't
cattle. Two years' time, bitches!

- SELINA: Oh, God.
- Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng,

I got protein bars. You want some of those?

- No. (YAWNS)
- No?

I need that stuff thatjunkies use.

You know, when it takes a cop
15 bullets to put him down.

DAN: We have three minutes
to the interviews, ma'am.

Hey, I got this off your dresser.

- Do you want to wear this pin?
- Yeah.

There's a horse coming out of my head.

What? What are you talking about?

There. There's a horse...

GARY: Oh, my God.

I don't know why I'm catching these things.

- Hey, got your lipstick.
- I don't want the fucking lipstick.

She doesn't want the fucking lipstick, Amy.

SELINA: This color is better.

The White House wants to make sure

that they are kept out of the Veep's,
uh, incident,

so we want the lipstick throwing

to have taken place here
and not at the Oval Office.

It was an accident, okay?

Much like when Bigfoot
got your mom pregnant, resulting in you.

Is there something I need to be in on here?

I was talking about my boat.

Please, Mike,
you're talking about a fucking boat?

Really? I'm about to enter
a national ass-kicking contest

with no legs and a massive ass.

- It's not that big, ma'am.
- SELINA: What?

MIKE: I think your ass is perfect.

Good morning, Oklahoma City.

Thank you so much.

Want to play midterm cliché bingo?

First phrase she uses.
I already got "wake-up call."

Not at all. I wouldn't
say it's all bad news.

Frank, no, I wouldn't say
it was a shellacking.

It's not a disaster. I mean, not for...
(STUTTERS)

Not for me... Mean... Excuse me. (CHUCKLES)

Well, we've been up all night.

The American people have said

this is a wake-up call.

Oh, my God, I look so old.

GARY: No.

What is that reaction?

Smile with your eyes if you can.

- Yep.
- And your nose if you can.

With my nose? How do you do that?

Remember to thank somebody, okay?

Not God. Don't make it religious.

But thank, like, farmers.
They love that shit.

Plurality? Is that what you said?

Plur... Yeah, look at that.

- Plurality.
- DAN: Yeah.

It's not good, you know what I mean?

DAN: It's kind of a fish face.

Yes, yes, indeed.

Well, there's been a plurality of views.

Well, there isn't an economic Santa Claus,

and don't I wish that there were.

Well, we are the United States of America

because we are united

and we are states

and we are of America.

Oh, it was my pleasure. Thank you.

MIKE: (SIGHS) Great job, ma'am.

- You're done. You're done.
- Get this out of my ear.

GARY". Let's get you in a comfy chair.