Veep (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Chung - full transcript

Why on earth am l spending my lunch break
at the great Governor Chung's book launch?

Because it's better than watching Gary drip
that fucking noodle juice down his chin.

God, l'm gonna snort a
line of tzatziki and go.

I am so mired in filibuster reform,
l've got no conversation.

- Do you know Chung?
- Not really.

- Hey!
- Dan, my man.

Governor. Good to see you, my friend.

- How are you, sir?
- L'm very well.

- And you must be Amy.
- Yes.

So, Dan, how's it working out with the VP?

'Cause if you ever wanna
step several rungs down the ladder,



l could always use help
from a fellow Daniel.

Dan only climbs up ladders.

Yes, but sometimes
you have to go down to go up.

I assume the Vice President
would be too busy.

Yes. She sends her apologies.

She's prepping for Meet the Press.

L'll be on Face the Nation.

But everyone will be watching her,
so l guess l can just wing it.

- Shall l sign a book for her?
- No... Okay.

L'd better be going around myself,

make sure everyone
gets to touch the hem of my garment.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Dan, the man. (LAUGHS) All right.

"You have to go down to go up."



- What a jerk.
- L'm gonna steal that.

Because he who speaks in maxims

can sound wise.

This is good. This is like cornbread.

- (DAN SlGHS)
- Hello, children.

- Hello, Senator.
- You looking for some fresh backs to stab?

Oh, Senator Doyle, it's
all part of the game.

Yeah, well, l'll tell you,
you wanna play a game, Danny?

Why don't you try working
an iPad with your dick?

(LAUGHS)

No, he's already got carpal
tunnel in that area.

You have nothing constructive
to say to me, Amy?

Is this about Clean Jobs?

Is that what they call it still
with two oil guys on it?

Wow, you're gonna have to buy a lot of
spray cans to paint that turd gold.

Everyone has limits to their power,
Senator, even the Vice President.

Yeah, and l have the power to withdraw,

which is what l'm gonna do right now.

When he said withdraw,
he's not talking about

withdrawing from filibuster reform,
though, right?

- No! No!
- What do you think he's talking about?

I assumed it was withdraw
from the conversation.

Who uses withdraw as a fucking verb
besides Catholics and butlers?

Maybe the lsraeli military
every once in a while.

Yeah, you think l don't know?
You're fucking with me.

No. Come on, let's just head back.

No, no. No way. l'm staying right here.

You gotta network to get work, baby.

All right? Chung for change.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you so much.

SELlNA: We've got Jobs.

- Clean Jobs.
- Clean Jobs.

Filibuster reform.

- Yeah, hit that hard.
- Right. You know what we need?

- We need some normal, regular-people stuff.
- L got an idea.

You could talk about how you always get a
sweaty upper lip underneath studio lights.

That shows you're normal.

I'm really talking
about a different kind of normal, Gary.

- Oh, okay.
- Small talk's gonna happen at the end, right?

- Right.
- Gregory's a Redskins fan.

- He'll probably bring up football.
- Football.

And l am a...

Ravens fan, so...

Madam Vice President,
how are your Ravens doing this year?

My Ravens are gold and l'll tell you why.

Because we have Joe Flacco
as our quarterback.

- Yes. Yes.
- And uh...

Well, you know, the Redskins have
a great running game this year

and, honestly, that
receiving corps over there,

Anquan Boldin, not looking good for you.

Anquan?

A receiver on the Ravens.

Okay, well, l'm not gonna remember that.

- That's not good.
- Lt doesn't matter.

You wanna bet a beer
that the Ravens will win.

- Beer makes me so gassy.
- You can talk about that.

About how it always bloats you, beer.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

- That's a good one. Oh.
- How was Chung?

Did he do this thing where you don't know if
you're supposed to hug him or crucify him?

Which, by the way,
makes me wanna crucify him.

- L did not stay for his speech.
- Let me see this.

- "The Good Fight."
- (MlKE SNlCKERS)

- l know. The title...
- Please! Sue?

- Yep.
- Handle this for me.

- Do you want me to shred it?
- Yeah.

- Should l fire up the shit eater?
- Yeah.

No, no. Wait a second.
He scrawled something in the front for you.

"To Vice President Salina Meyer,"

with an "A". "From an admiring wannabe."

What an E-hole.

Changed the "A" to an "E".

What a bunch of Washington
bullshit that is.

I am so tired of... Hey, Gary, l...

l mean, "wannabe"?
He's obviously making a joke, right?

He doesn't really think that he's some sort
of credible Vice Presidential candidate.

Mmm, charismatic war hero.

Yeah, but, l mean, the President
always sticks with the incumbent Veep.

Plus, he doesn't wanna look like
he made a massive error picking you.

Well, that was lovely.

- He's stuck with me, is that what...
- l don't mean it like that.

I meant good stuck,
like if your marriage lasts or whatever.

The President's not gonna ditch you.

Would you be quiet? What?

Want me to have Scott put together
a file on Chung,

- given the noise?
- No. No, no, no, no.

Do not let him know that you're worried.
Do not make it a thing.

- Yeah, Amy, don't make it a thing, okay?
- Okay.

Ame?

Although, if those wheels
are in motion anyway,

then l would say go ahead and, you know,

put a file together, you know.

You know what l'm sick of?
That stupid story of Chung

supposedly pulling some guy
out of a burning tank.

Come on, why do guys
in the army get a medal for doing theirjob?

The guy still had severe burns.
If anything, Chung was too late.

Whoa, whoa. Your desk is in the back.

- This is neutral territory.
- Yep. So l'm claiming it.

Sue, would you like to tell him
about the encroachment rules?

Do l look like
a kindergarten teacher to you, Mike?

- Actually, yes.
- Excuse me?

Uh, no, you don't. Okay, go ahead.

- L'm gonna use your desk in the back.
- As what, a pantry?

(WHlSTLES)

Oh, here we go.

Look who it is, everybody!
It's your favorite Jonah.

AMY: You're not even
your mom's favorite Jonah, Jonah.

Don't be changing the talking points
for my Meet the Press thing.

Okay? l am prepped.

I come bearing a very minor request
from the President.

Does he want to operate me
by remote control?

No. That's not technologically possible.

Um...

POTUS would appreciate it if you didn't
go too hard on filibuster reform.

What are you talking about? That's my
defining Vice Presidential crusade.

The administration
is totally focused on the economy.

- SELlNA: Have a great weekend, okay?
- Ma'am.

- SUE: Thank you, ma'am, you, too.
- Yeah, thank you very much.

- Ma'am.
- L need to gather my things.

L'll tell you something else,
these need water, okay?

- SUE: Got it.
- Okay.

So, ma'am, POTUS would like
your new chosen subject

to be immigration reform.

Americans losing jobs
to illegals, et cetera.

I spoke in favor of immigration amnesty
all during my primary campaign.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Well, with respect, ma'am,

do you think anybody's
gonna remember your primary campaign?

Ooh.

In spite of your preface, l did not detect
a whole lot of respect in that question.

You know, l meant that
more as a slight against

the power of recollection of the electorate

and not as an attack
on the potency of your campaign.

Well, why didn't you say that, then?

Oh, because you have the social skills
of someone who was raised by wolves.

Oh, and pump up China as a trading partner.
We gotta keep nudging that one along.

I gotta get back to the White House.

God, l love saying that.

Well, God bless the President, you know.

I mean, he's really a great man, but he
is busting my fucking lady balls here.

And pump up China?

Is that some sort of dig about Chung?

Okay, so l guess we're not going home.

- Yeah. Sue? We're staying.
- Yep.

Aw.

Whew.

- AMY: Did you have a good Saturday night?
- Lt was okay.

My zipper on my Leviathan broke,

so l had to drive around
trying to find a replacement.

- What did you do?
- You know what l did?

I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.
7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night.

Even people who are dying of malaria
stay up later than that.

Well, they can't sleep
because they're coughing.

Hi, guys. l'm all set.
L'll be there in just a second.

- Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- All right.

I gotta go, but you know what?

Hang out here as long as you like
and l'll call you afterwards, okay?

MAN: Can't l just leave now with you?
SELlNA: No, l don't want them to see you.

All these extra rules, it's kind of weird.

I know, but l am the Vice President.

MAN: Oh, yes, you are.

Hearing you say that
gives me a massive hard-on.

SELlNA: Oh, l am the Vice President.

Oh, baby, l'm ready to launch.

And l'm ready to eat you up.

MAN: Oh, second breakfast.
I didn't know you had it in you.

SELlNA: Oh, God. Oh, l want it in me.

- All right.
- SELlNA: Bye.

Yeah. l'm gonna watch your ass move.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.

- SELlNA: Hi, you guys.
- Hey.

- You look pretty.
- Oh, thank you.

- How are you guys?
- Great.

- All set? You got everything?
- Oh, yes.

- L just have to get my stuff.
- How was your Saturday night?

Um, it was fine.

- Here, l'll get that.
- Thank you.

- Mike!
- Oh, hey.

I was just visualizing you kicking ass
on Meet the Press.

Why are you so tired?
You don't do anything.

(SlRENS BLARlNG)

Here's the research Scott pulled on Chung.

Check out page one.

He was born back in China
before his dad got his citizenship,

so he can't be President or Vice President.

Really? Well, that's good news.

- More good news for Meet the Press.
- Oh, yeah?

- David Gregory is ill.
- (GASPS)

- Sam Finnegan is the fill-in.
- SELlNA: Ho, ho, a virgin.

Oh, God, l'm gonna eat him up.

(SlGHS)

What?

- Well, that changes the sports stuff.
- MlKE: No panic.

We'll just change the Redskins
to whatever Finnegan's team is.

What is Finnegan's team?

I'm pretty sure he's a Bears fan.
It doesn't matter.

- Mike, you're pretty sure?
- Pretty sure?

Exactly. That doesn't help.

It doesn't matter
because you're gonna talk about the Ravens.

I know that l'm a Ravens fan,

but, like, what if Finnegan
is a Ravens fan, too, you know?

A team can't play itself, can it?

You can in video games.

Some people say your immigration policy
is at odds with yourjobs program.

How would you respond to that?

Well, l would respond like this.

I would say that the economy
has changed a great deal

since l made those statements

and the President and l agree
that Americans have to come first.

That's my girl. Olympic-style back flip.

And l believe very strongly...

- That's sweat. That's lip sweat.
- That's shimmer.

You haven't spoken much
today about the Senate filibuster reform.

Well, l'll say this,

in order to reform, you have to perform.

She got filibuster in!

Just waiting for Jonah. Here he is.

Oh, yeah?

Hello, penis enlargement clinic.

Mike, who is incompetent, you or her?

Because she just talked
about filibuster reform.

He asked her.

My message is simple,
my message is this. Yes.

- Thank you, Madam Vice President.
- Absolutely.

Sam, l just have to ask you,
you're a Bears fan.

- Ls that right?
- Guilty.

- She do the sports yet?
- She's doing it now.

We're not nervous at all.
With Flacco, forget about it.

L'll bet you a beer that we win by a TD.

What about Ray Rice? Hell of a lead runner.

(LAUGHS)

Ray Rice, Ray Rice, Ray...

Well, he... Ray Rice, he play nice.

Ooh.

- SAM: Vice President.
- Thank you so much.

We'll be back next week, because if
it's Sunday, it's Meet the Press.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Will you be watching Danny Chung
on Face the Nation?

Uh, you know, l would,
but l've got a game of solitaire going on,

so l think l'll give that a skip.

Long-term beltway money's on him
as Presidential material.

Oh, really?

Well, l'd be surprised
because technically he's not an American.

I mean, because he wasn't, um, born here,

you know, not because he's half...

(STAMMERlNG)

- 'Cause his parents...
- Well, l've gotta go.

- Okay.
- But it was a pleasure talking to you.

Thank you so much. Did you get it?

- L got it.
- Oh...

Um...

Listen, they wouldn't
have recorded that, right?

I mean, l had the mic on,
but l don't think it was hot.

- Do you think that it was on?
- L hope to God they didn't.

I didn't say he was bad
because he's part Chinese.

- No, no.
- Lt's not bad to be Chinese.

Can you go speak to the sound guy?

I can't do it
because it'll make it look like a thing.

I don't wanna make it look like a thing,

- so maybe l can...
- l'll do it.

No, no, no. Gary, Gary, Gary.

- Gary, come.
- L'll do it.

I think actually he should
go talk to the sound guy.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Do you have any ideas on what l should say?

You offered to do this. What was your plan?

That was my plan, was to go over there,

walk over there,
l just need some ideas on what to say.

Gary, just give it a light touch.

- No import to it.
- Okay.

- What does that mean?
- Just talk to him

like working guy to working guy.

- Lt's casual.
- Got it.

Mano a mano.

- Jesus Christ.
- Okay.

Even in Spanish, you know,
it doesn't sound like it's gonna work.

It totally might have just been me,

but kind of, didn't it sound a little
glitchy in the end or anything like that?

- You saying l can't do my job?
- No. Oh, God, no.

It's bad?

Well, he just went from a smiley guy
to a frown-y guy.

I just need to know
if everything's okay, you know.

Working guy to working guy, you know.

- Listen, working girl.
- Okay.

Yeah. l didn't hear any glitches.

All l heard was the sound
of a fuck-up, okay?

- Sending Gary over there was crazy.
- Yeah.

- He was completely out of his element.
- Yeah.

I agree. l agree.

Hey, we're getting
some press interest in this already.

- Oh, God.
- Where? Where?

It's still non-narrative. No momentum yet.

Ma'am, l thought you might want me
in the office, given the circumstances.

- How do you know about the circumstances?
- Well, l'm Sue.

It's my job to know everything, Amy.

So it's definitely out there, out there?

No, no, it's not out there, out there.

I heard about it, Dan,
so it sort of is out there, out there,

that's why l'm in here, in here, Dan.

- Jonah's coming. Jonah's coming.
- Fuck! All right, what do l do?

What if he doesn't know that it's not
definitely out there, out there?

Should l tell him that?

You don't wanna give a loaded gun
to that walking silo.

- Don't make it a thing until it's a thing.
- Do you have any...

Bad news, everyone.

- This hasn't hit the mainstream media yet...
- lt was out of context.

But a crane has collapsed onto a ship
at Portsmouth, Virginia.

Oh, thank... God, how horrible.

Wait, what was out of context?

Um, we thought you were gonna
give me shit about filibuster reform.

Oh, well, the White House
is very much under the moon about that,

but let's reboot.

The President is stuck in economic talks.

- We need a VPVP.
- A what?

A Vice Presidential visual presence.

You can't just make up acronyms, Jonah.

- Somebody has to, Mike.
- No, they don't.

Okay, well, then,
we should head on down there.

Let's get the ball rolling.
Let's get there as soon as possible.

AMY: Yeah. We've got it handled.

Oh, Jonah, that's a good look for you.

What do you call that? Bi-casual?

Thanks, Mike, but it's Sunday.

I work hard, l work fast,
and l get hot legs.

I say let the whale hang loose.

- Who am l offending?
- Show of hands.

Right here.

Okay, well, l think
that worked out pretty good.

- (ALL SlGH)
- Just confirmed.

Two fatalities, 24 injured so far.

I didn't mean it like that.

Dan, we're going to a hospital. Do you
have a suit that you can change into?

- L have five.
- Okay.

Do you have something that could fit
the McLintock shape?

That's not a Santa suit?

I got something.

We're going to a hospital.
We're not going trick-or-treating.

(SlRENS BLARlNG)

Hi, Ashley.
Mike McLintock, Vice President's office.

- Oh, hi.
- Madam Vice President...

- Yes.
- This is Ashley, the hospital administrator.

- Ashley.
- Thank you so much for coming.

- Lt really means a lot. Thank you.
- Well, let me tell you something,

being here for the American people
is one of the privileges of this job.

- Lt's a sad privilege, of course.
- Yes.

But it's a privilege nonetheless.

Ma'am, l don't know
if all these people are bereaving,

- so just converse generally, okay?
- Right.

Converse generally? What about?
The weather?

Not about the weather.

- Lt is unseasonably warm, though, okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

So, Madam Vice President,
if you'll just come with me,

l'll show you to some of our families.

Oh, well, however l can be of service.
How do you do, sir?

Oh, my goodness, you got so hurt.

- Well, it's a great hospital, isn't it?
- Yes, ma'am.

Oh, dear, look at your neck.

Hi, sir. Don't turn your head.

L'll give you a little
squeeze on your hand.

- Well, you seem just fine.
- L'm not really.

- Lnternal.
- Lnternal. Hmm.

ASHLEY: This is a family.
They're waiting to hear about their son.

Hold on. No, no, not yet.
This is a private moment.

This is not a photo op.

- Lt's amazing how the world changes.
- Mmm.

One minute, you're enjoying
this amazing sunshine...

Well, it's unseasonably warm.

And the next,
your whole world's gone to pieces.

- Oh, gosh.
- This is his surgeon.

- How do you do, sir?
- Dr. Greybear.

Any news, Doctor, about our son?

- Sam's going to make it.
- (ALL GASP)

Okay, guys, l got a little sound bite
for y'all to nibble on right here.

- Oh, that is just fantastic.
- MlKE: Very good.

- Doctor, we appreciate your hard work.
- MlKE: Good news.

I just wanna say how grateful we are

to all of our most capable
doctors and nurses.

So grateful.

And l'd also like to say
if, for some reason,

we find out that there was negligence
that caused this accident,

those who are responsible

are gonna have the White
House to answer to.

That's right.

WOMAN: Thank you for being here,
Madam Vice President.

- You are a good woman.
- Yeah!

And you're not afraid
to say what's on your mind.

REPORTER: Danny Chung...

l always try to speak as honestly as l can.

WOMAN: l heard what you said
about those people.

- You'd get my vote.
- And my vote.

SELlNA: 'Cause technically
he's not an American.

I mean...

They're taking over our ports.
It's like they've invaded us.

Yeah, and now they think
they can be President? No way!

Come on, this is the White House,
not the Yellow House.

Come on, Selina!

(CHEERlNG)

(CHANTlNG) USA! USA! USA!

USA! USA! USA!

You have to get Chung
on the phone right away, Amy.

- Shut this thing down, Amy.
- Yeah, dialing now.

- Here, he's picking up.
- What? l...

Oh, hello. Hi.
Yes, l have the Vice President for you.

Governor? Hi. How are you?

I don't... l don't know if you
saw the footage today

from Meet the Press,

but, you know, that is not what l meant
and it certainly isn't what l think.

- Gary, the belt can wait.
- Let's just put it this way...

What l was trying to say was...

Jesus Christ! Oh, my God!

God.

Gary, that was my fucking
flesh that you just...

- Hello?
- Trapped in there.

- Voice mail. Keep trying.
- L'm so sorry.

- All right, that's enough.
- Okay.

All l am saying is
that if Senator Doyle pulls that meeting,

there is not gonna be a lot
of availability for a while.

Jennifer, quite frankly,
l had more windows in my first apartment

than the VP currently has in her schedule.

- What's going on?
- Well, you know what?

If Governor Chung doesn't call back,

l can just take him down
for disrespecting the office.

- How about that?
- Yes.

We just lost the numbers
on filibuster reform.

- What did you just say?
- Yeah, yeah.

Senator Doyle has
just withdrawn his support.

Something Amy said at Chung's book launch.

He was still upset about Clean Jobs,
which is on you, Dan,

because you put Sidney Purcell
on the task force.

Oh, sure! You know what?
I blame George Washington.

If he hadn't started this whole form of
government, then we wouldn't...

Okay. Okay, stop squabbling!

What am l supposed to do now? Tell me that.

I'm supposed to call Doyle
and beg him to come back?

I'm the Vice President of the United
States, you stupid little fuckers!

These people should be begging me!

That door should be half its height

so that people can
only approach me in my office

on their goddamn motherfucking knees.

I can't lose Doyle.
Who else has a bucketful of senators?

Cut Doyle loose, all right? Call his bluff.

We reach across the aisle
to the immigration reform caucus.

- What?
- You want to break out

the white, pointy hoods, too, ma'am?

Look, we throw them a few commitments
to their cause

in exchange for support on
filibuster reform. This is easy.

Once you go down that dark country road,

the lights go out
and the scarecrows come to life.

Yeah, anyone hear the banjo music?

Look, Mike, that's what you always hear

because mentally you're in
a fucking hammock on a back porch.

Dan, this isn't fantasy politics.

Stop it! Stop it!

This is a win for you on Senate reform

and it's also another big win for you with
the President on immigration, all right?

Win big, win big.

I don't know, maybe you and Dan
should go down and talk to...

God damn it...

The senator from Arizona.

The one who wants to
random search people in ponchos?

- Oh, Bill.
- O'Brien. Yeah.

Yeah. He's got a lot of sway
with the pro-Caucasian caucus.

All right, so we get O'Brien,
who brings us McCaulay and Cunliffe.

Is McCaulay the one
with the nose hair problem

like he's got two raccoons in his nostrils?

That's seven to Doyle's five.
I mean, this is a filibuster slam dunk.

- Chung is on TV live.
- What?

- Get it on. Get it on.
- Where's the remote?

It's in the bowl. The remote's in the bowl.

Sue, where's the clicker?

- Where's the clicker?
- Guys, it's in the credenza.

Get it. Quick, quick, quick.

- What channel? Channel?
- Any live TV.

Mike... No, Mike. Don't touch that remote.

You're gonna launch
a nuke or something. Sue?

REPORTER: a few briefwords about
the comments that were made earlier today.

Despite what is said
in some dark corners of the Internet,

when I was born, both my parents
were fully naturalized American citizens.

What? He's Captain fucking America?

- What's happening here? Good job, Amy.
- Lt's not...

That is not the information
l was given by Scott.

A quiet word with one of her staff

regarding the thoroughness
of their research techniques.

DAN: What did Scott use as a research tool,
the fucking Drudge Report?

Second-generation Chinese-American...

MlKE: That and bathroom walls.

Proud enough to risk my life
for this country.

I've got a Purple Heart on my chest,

but the one that beats inside of me
is red, white, and blue.

No, he didn't. He didn't say that.

He is seizing his moment.

And that's why this
is the greatest country on Earth.

I am gonna throw up a leg.

And then l'm gonna take that leg
and l'm gonna beat Scott to death with it.

- Scott!
- Ah!

I'm gonna go draft a letter of apology
to the king of Minnesota, Governor Chung.

SELlNA: Here's what we're gonna do.

Mike, big fat apology to Chung,
Amy, fuck Doyle.

I want this bill.

You guys talk to O'Brien
and get that border caucus.

Amy, put on your dancing shoes
and head for the border right now.

- Go on.
- No, l'm not doing it.

Get a move on.

(SlGHS)

This is them.

Here we go.

Hi, Senator O'Brien. l'm Dan Egan.

We spoke on the phone.
A pleasure to meet you, sir.

Well, l have no idea who you are, so l
don't know whether it's a pleasure or not.

- Okay.
- This is Jack.

- Hi, Jack.
- Hi.

Amy Brookheimer,
Vice President's Chief of Staff.

Chief?

Shouldn't that be chiefess?

(LAUGHS)

- Relax, missy. l'm just yanking your chain.
- Absolutely.

(GRUNTS)

- This place looks nice, huh?
- Looks like they do a mighty fine plate of ribs,

but before we do any ordering,

l'd like to know if you're going to
offend us with some chicken-shit deal

that means we have to leave
before the food comes.

You're fine to order.

I feel so horrible.

You know, it's like
l've ordered a hit on somebody.

I'm just waiting for the call
to say that it's done.

It's done.

Do you want a glass of wine?
You want some water?

- You want some hand sanitizer?
- L want quiet.

Quiet.

So long, Scott. You are professionally
dead. Have a nice evening.

Up here on the eastern seaboard,

it's easy to forget
what a big slice of our country

rubs shoulders with a failed state
by the name of Mexico.

Now, if you had bad neighbors
who came into your yard every night

to crap a butt-full of drugs
and beans on your flowers,

you might think about building a fence.

You're not gonna get a
border fence, all right?

You're talking about a
3,000-mile-long fence.

Great for the construction industry.

Yeah, but ironically,
the only affordable option

would be immigrant labor.

Well, my constituents are fed up

with feeling outnumbered
in their own country.

Fellas, we shouldn't have a problem

working to preserve
a certain kind ofAmerican identity.

Yes.

Now you keep talking like that, sweetheart,

and we'll be having cigars
at the end of this dinner.

Just not Cuban ones.

(LAUGHS)

Hey.

Oh, my God,

- I am having the shittiest day.
- Yeah?

You got anything to make me feel better?

I do indeed.

- What is it?
- Well...

lt's about seven inches,
hangs between my legs...

(LAUGHS)

The thing.

I like to call him Sergeant Ted.

Okay, well, you tell Sergeant Ted

l would like him very much

to drill me in my Oval Office.

In fact, l need him to put the finger
on the button

and come into my Rose Garden.

The sergeant is standing at attention.

You know what,
l'm coming over there, like, right away.

Uh, you know, when you come over,

can you try and sneak in incognito?

I got Korean neighbors and l don't think
they'd like the idea of me dating you.

Is that some kind of a joke or something?

It's not funny at all. Fuck off, Ted.

I mean, l don't know why you would say...

- You were on the phone?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Oh, l didn't hear anything.
- You better not have heard anything.

I didn't say anything.

Oh, my God.

Oh, for fuck sakes. Hey, Jonah.

What happened to your hot pants?

Oh, the hot pants picked up
some negative traction.

I realize now they're
unbecoming of my office.

I'm just coming in to see
if the misunderstanding

with Governor Chung has been resolved.

- Yeah. lt's all fine and dandy and fabulous.
- Excellent.

Well, then, l'm gonna
go enjoy what's left of my Sunday.

I got the latest Grisham on the go
and it's just awesome.

You should read...

As well as the funding request,

we can offer a commitment that the
Vice President will oppose immunity

for any illegal immigrants who have
been here for more than five years.

Well, now you're singing
a tune that we may dance to.

- Well, we just...
- And she will lobby the President

and express public support
for your position.

All right, l'm going home.

I'm getting fucked every which way.

- Sue, did the President call?
- No.

If you can deliver that,
l will appear to love filibuster reform

as much as l appear to love my idiot son.

And for my wife's sake,

l appear to love that
wretched shitnit a lot.

(LAUGHS)

Good night. Let's go, Jack.

Good to see you guys could learn
a new word today, compromise.

What do you say? Meet me halfway?

(LAUGHS)

Whew!

I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight.

That was fucking dark.

You've gone up 1 0 levels
in my estimation, by the way.

Which means l've gone down 1 00 in my own.

Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.

I am taking the credit for this.

I tunnelled through the shit,
l get the dirty glory.

It is me who tells Selina the good news.

Where is the Vice President?

- She has gone home for the evening.
- Why?

Something about
"getting fucked every which way."

Direct quote.

Oh, God, yeah.
I heard something on the phone.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

How many times can she be underneath that?

She's got such a little body
and he seemed like a big man.

Who? Who's he?

Hey, hey, somebody
talk about something else? Anything.

Yeah, l gotta get these
images out of my head.

Can we talk about, l don't know,
our favorite band or something, please?

Yes. Who else are you into, Mike,
apart from the Eagles?

Grateful Dead.

That's the name of
your favorite whorehouse, too, right?

Can't wait to get home and burn my clothes.

Don't fuck up that suit, Mike.

- All right, good night, Sue.
- Good night, Gary.

Good night, Dan.

Jesus Christ.

Dan, you have about 1 0 seconds
to stop distracting me,

or the next thing that they'll find
at the back of that couch

are your remains.

If you like, l can go sit
in the Vice President's office.

Excuse me?