Veep (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Fundraiser - full transcript

Vice President Selina Meyer and her staff - chief of staff Amy, spokesperson Mike, right-hand man Gary, and executive assistant Sue - are still finding their footing in Washington D.C. ...

SELlNA: And, uh, who else is confirmed?

Is Senator Dorsey confirmed?

- Yes.
- Okay.

And Senator Lucas was a maybe,
but now he's definitely a definitely.

- Oh! That's awfully nice.
- Yeah, it's growing as we speak.

- Yeah, okay, let's go talk filibuster reform.

No, the Vice President does not have a
sliver of daylight in her schedule today.

- Bye, Sue. Hey, Mike, Mike.
- Yeah?

Are we pushing the whole
cornstarch utensils campaign now?

Yes, ma'am. We've got a whole online thing.

- The inter-nerds are on it.
- Okay, good.

Oh! And today with the senators,
don't forget to smile.

Yeah, is that a poppy seed
there in your teeth?

- Probably.
- Yeah. Ugh.

- Oh!
- What?

- Senator Bixby is coming.
- Oh, good.

- Great.
- Ma'am, this is a fork.

- And you know that he's our tour guide.
- He's the tour guide.

- Right. Yes, yes, yes. Of course.
- Remember?

This is the new cornstarch fork, ma'am.

I got the cornstarch spoon, too.

Could we maybe table
tableware for now, Gary,

- and focus on filibuster reform?
- No, no, no, but, Amy, look.

Look at this. This is
classic Clean Jobs stuff.

I mean, if l can get cornstarch utensils
in most federal buildings by the fall,

then the Veep has landed.

That is what we are
working on, landing you.

- Yeah.
- Like a big, beautiful eagle.


- You want your scarf?
- No.

- Are you sure? lt looks really pretty...
- No, l don't want it.

And what about Senator Reeves?
Is he dead yet?

Not yet. He's mostly intravenous.

He has so many tubes in him,
he looks like a set of bagpipes.

- Let me take your coat.
- Want to take our coats?

Here's your glasses.

What do you think?

Glasses on for the intellectual look?

- Focused?
- A woman with vision.

- L like your glasses.
- No, glasses make me look weak.

- Yeah, l agree. Yeah.
- Lt's like a wheelchair for the eye.

Okay, senators, let the reforming commence.

- AMY: We're expecting 50 or 60.
- Oh, good.

Is this the right room? Are we early?

- Senator Phil Dorsey, 2:00.
- L'm not a sniper.

- Philip.
- Ah, Madam Vice President. Welcome.

Thank you.

- Oh, you remember my Chief of Staff, Amy.
- Oh, Amy, it's nice to see you.

His daughter Emily
just graduated from Harvard.

- Tell me, how is Emily?
- Oh, she's good.

- Oh, good.
- Can l get you something to drink?

- L would love a coffee.
- You got it.

Okay, thank you. What's going on, Amy?

There aren't enough people
to fill a fucking canoe in here.


What's wrong? That was your bad okay.
What's wrong?

Senator Mike Dudley.
He's interested in maps.

- Mike, you found us.
- Oh, Madam Vice President.

- Ls that a map joke?
- (LAUGHS) Yes, it is.

- Sorry. Excuse me.

- Okay.
- Let's talk about this blog thing.

- Guys, what's going on right now?
- L can explain that.

What is happening right now?

Brett Kagan's blog picked
up a tweet from us.

Quote, "76% of government buildings
now have cornstarch utensils!

"Let's make it 1 00!
Let's make plastic utensils extinct!"

Oh, great, we've upset
the plastics industry.

This whole building is
bankrolled by plastics.

This is why nobody showed up.

MAN: Madam Vice President.

- L don't know who this man is.
- Hello.

Mike, talk to me. l am in a room
with three people and a fuckload of quiche.

Okay, here comes Dorsey with your coffee.

Gary, l have large, moving shapes covered.

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay?

- (WHlSPERS) Here's your coffee.
- Oh, my...

l'll get it. l got it. l got it.

AMY: Okay, here's what we do.
Here's what we do.

You should meet with Senator Hallowes. She is
so tight with the plastics people, it's...

Are you kidding?

Do these not bend the fuck back?

No. No.

What am l supposed to do with this?
I'm supposed to eat around corners?

Is that how it's gonna work?
Here, take this, please.

We could even give Hallowes
a post on your Clean Jobs Commission,

- keep plastics happy.
- That's actually a great idea.

Can you do that? Can you do that?
Can you get Hallowes now?

Of course l can. You can just shut it down.

- Yeah. Go, go, go.
- Shut it down.

- You should mingle.
- Mingle?

- Yeah.
- What?

How do you suggest
that l mingle with this few people?

Did Simon mingle with Garfunkel?

They worked together.
They probably socialized together.

I'm sure they did, right?

Madam Vice President. Hi, l'm Dan Egan.

I'm director of communications
for Senator Hallowes.

- Oh, good.
- Currently.

I just want to say that l'm a huge fan
of the Clean Jobs initiative.

Oh, thank you.

You know what l say,
it's a dirty job and l love to do it.

- That's funny. l actually...
- SELlNA: Barbara?

- Selina, hi.
- Hi.

The Vice President, or Veep, has managed
to punch her way through.

Thank you, Dan. Yeah.

Barbara, it's so good to see you.

- Lt's good to see you.
- What have l been missing here?

Power. (LAUGHS) l'm kidding!

- Oh, Selina.
- L know. l know.

Coffee for the Vice President, please, Dan.

Guess what?
L've managed to get a fresh batch

of those European sweeteners
you like so much.

Oh. Thanks, Gary.
Yeah, they're great sweeteners.

- They are awful.

Actually, they're just sweeteners
l got at a NATO meeting last year.

They really taste rather, um,


Kind of bitter.

So, Dan, are you enjoying
working for Hallowes?

Not really. She's middle of the road.

She's mediocre, really.
Of all the "ocres," she's the mediest.

Do l add water to this machine?
It's like a robot.

It's a nice bag, Gary.

You know, he calls that "the Leviathan."

Ooh, you got the nuclear codes
in there, buddy?

Is there a pouch or something
that l put into this?

You still got that guy Mike
in your press shop?

- Yes.
- He ran press for Moses, didn't he?

- Oh, God.
- Ls there like an espresso thing?

- A little podule or anything?
- Jesus fucking Christ.

All right, look, watch me, autismo.
You take the little pod,

put the little pod in the fucking hole,
shut the fucking lid,

hit the fucking button
for two fucking seconds.

- Oh, it's so easy.
- Too quick, l didn't see it.

Yeah, next time pack an espresso machine
in your big fucking bitch bag.

Oh, my God.

Dan seems nice.

- He's new.
- He is great.

Very loyal.
I got him from an Ohio Congresswoman.

You know, he's dating my daughter.

- You're kidding. Janet?
- No.

Of course not. Oh, my gosh, l'm so sorry.

I meant, um, Carol.

- Carol.

- How are your kids?
- Uh, she's good.

- Oh, good, good.
- Great. Great.

- L understand you're busy.
- L am.

But l wanted to talk to you about
coming onboard the Clean Jobs Commission.

To get plastics off your back?

No, sorry, Selina. That
would be bad for me.

(SCOFFS) Oh, come on.
They're not gonna pull funding over this.

Honey, what is plastics made of?

You piss off plastics, you piss off oil.

And you do not want to fuck with those guys

because they fuck in
a very unpleasant fashion.

(STAMMERlNG) Barbara, are you really
willing to sell your soul

to the guys who make toothbrushes

and the holders for toothbrushes?

Yeah, they're the guys who fund the members

of your Clean Jobs Commission.

I could draw you a diagram,
but it would be a very simple diagram.

Oh, l can handle geometry,
Barbara, all right?

- Come on, l've got to get going.
- Yes, l have a ton on my agenda as well.

Watch this. Uh, Senator Reeves just died.

- Oh.


Rapey Reeves.

SELlNA: He was the first senator to welcome
me to the Capitol, you know?

He was old even then.

- Was he full of wisdom?
- He was full of bourbon.

And he grabbed my left tit.

- Remember that?
- And God rest his soul.

Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet?

- Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.
- L know.

I think you might have been hoist
by your own retard there.

(LAUGHS) That's a good one.
"Your own retard." Nice.

- See you downstairs.
- Yeah.

- Honor to have met you, Madam.
- Oh, thank you, Dan.

I really admired your primaries campaign.

Oh. How nice. Thank you very much.

Two things l would have done differently.

Two things? Oh, no kidding. What were they?

I think you spent too much time
in New Hampshire. That was in the bag.

And the attack ads in Oregon
came up four days too soon,

made you seem mean before you had to be.

But, l mean, you're the old pro here.

- GARY: Ooh!
- You're the pro.

Well, l'll keep that in mind.

MlKE: Sorry about the Senate meeting.

Yeah, it was like a funeral
for a homeless guy.

- How was Hallowes?
- Oh, you know, the usual.

(MOCKlNG ACCENT) "Selina, hi.

"l'm melting. l'm melting."

She is such a fucking bitch.

So today at the 3:30 press call,
what do you want me to say about plastics?

- L think our best agenda is to reassure...
- Whoa!

- L know. Don't tell me.
- What?

'Cause if l genuinely don't know, then
those bastards can't make me tell them.

You know my motto, "l don't want to know."

Anyways, what motto? l don't have a motto.

Hey, Sue. Did the President call?

- No.
- No.

Sue, that is a lovely dress.

- Thank you, Gary. Madam Vice President.
- Yeah?

We're gonna need to resync your BlackBerry.

- Okay.
- The diary's been violated.

Ma'am, here's your coffee. lt's really hot.

Can you put it down right there?

Oh, Gary. Um...

(SlGHS) Oh, my God,
what was l just gonna say?


Oh. l don't know. lt just
went out of my head.

- Lt'll come to me later.
- Okay.

And Jonah is here from the White House.

I told him you were too busy to see him,

but, as you see,
he ignored me and, by implication, you.

- Hi.
- Oh, Madam Vice President.

Close the door. On your way out, close it.
Quickly. Quick, quick.

Quick, quick. God almighty.


You, did you check the Wikipedia?
Did they change her weight again?

Somebody keeps hacking into the site
and changing her weight.

Oh, Jonah.

Good new ltalian place
opened up downtown, Amy.

- You like ltalian?
- L love ltalian, Jonah,

but still, unfortunately,
really dislike you.

Oh, l wasn't asking you out.
I don't want you to think

that was a burn
because l wasn't asking you out.

It's the guy from My Left Foot.

Jonah, how many times have you talked
to the President today?

Oh, you want to know?

Yeah, 'cause you need to put it up
on that star chart on your refrigerator.

- He actually spoke to me four times today.
- Four?

Briefing room, NSC meeting, hallway twice.

And in each of those did he say,

"Someone get this freak
the fuck away from me?"

- Hi, Jonah.

What's the news from the mountaintop?

- The White House would like...
- Hang on just a second.

Can you do me there?

- Doing you.
- What?

The White House would like you
to attend a 6:00 p.m.

SRVA Fundraiser tonight
instead of the President.

- Oh, no, that's not gonna happen.
- Not on the schedule.

The POTUS doesn't want to get hit with
questions on the fiscal responsibility bill.

Obviously they won't ask you guys
because you have no...

You just have other areas of expertise.

Yeah, Clean Jobs, Yemen, mission to Mars.

Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
I'm busy tonight.

Yeah, we're positioning ourselves right now
with the Clean Jobs Commission.

But the President
of the United States ofAmerica

is very keen

that your going to the
fund-raiser should be

fundamentally the sequence of events

that does actually take place this evening.

I will make a call.

- Thank you.
- And l'd like you to watch your tone with me.

- L will watch my tone.
- Yeah.

And, Mike, you need to be there, too, okay?

So no going home to walk your dog.

Don't tell me what to do,
Doogie Fucking Howser.

I don't know what that means.

- Or your Left Foot thing.
- Great movie.

Okay, l'm going to go back
to the White House.

That address makes me hard.

Kiss you, miss you.


Hey, Mike.

What would you say were the two
biggest campaign mistakes that we made?

You looked tired a lot and the hat.

- L liked the hat. What are you talking about?
- The hat hurt us.

Your head looked weird in the hat,
that's all l'm gonna say.

Okay... What do you think of Dan?

Oh, Dan is a shit.

You want to expand on that?

Sure. He's a massive and total shit.

When you first meet him,
you think surely to God

this man can't be as big
a shit as he seems,

but he is.

- See, l...
- 'Cause like if there were a book

with covers made of shit,
you'd think, "That's intriguing.

"l wonder what's in this
book that they saw fit

"to give it covers made of pure shit."

And then you open it and... Shit.

- Thank you so much. Yes.

How are you? l see you. l see you.

There's Congresswoman Clements,
you should speak with her.

She's got a small mustache.
It's a little disturbing.

- Don't stare at it, okay?
- Oh. Mmm-hmm.

The podium is definitely too high.

- Box me, Gary. Box me.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.


What is the utensil situation?
Is it cornstarch or plastic here?

Stay away from both.
The utensils are politicized.

You could use celery as a kind of shovel.

I cannot believe you are
dating your boss's daughter.

She's fun, she's sexy.
She can advance my career.

- L really like her.
- That's the one.

- She's great.
- That's the one.

We need to talk about
the VP's speech, okay?

- What?
- Can l just...

- Don't grab my shit.
- Thank you.

White House says we need
to majorly redact this, okay?

L'll redact your fucking face.

The White House does not want anything
in the papers tomorrow about oil, okay?

- What?
- Or plastics.

- Nothing about cornstarch.
- Her whole position is green jobs.

This doesn't come from me,
okay, so just do it.

You love this. You love this.

I'm not gonna say l don't enjoy it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
l want to welcome you all

here tonight and thank you for coming.

- Hi, Selina.
- Hey.

- Just a small change in the speech.
- What is that?

(SlGHS) Plastics apparently talked
to the President.

The White House doesn't want us
mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic.

Just wing it.

This has been pencil-fucked completely?

Yes, front and back. Very little romance.

That's the entire speech, okay?

What's left here? l've got "Hello,"
and l have prepositions.

You could talk about your boat
or something like that.

Sure, talk about the boat.

Gary, seriously,
can you just shut up for 1 0 seconds?

Okay, now l can't read what you're writing.

Relax, you're really good
at Senate vote reform.

Hit that one. That's a home run.

That's your Sergeant Pepper's.

We can also use my kitten heels gag.

- All right. ls that funny?
- No.

It's funny enough for these people.

- Hit the verbs.
- Thank you, l've got it.

It's fine, l can do it.
I can't... l don't know what that is.

Please welcome Vice President Selina Meyer.

- Go for the money.
- Lt's just pennies.

Hi. Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests,

as l'm sure you're aware,

l have stepped into
the President's shoes this evening,

and who knew he wore kitten heels?


SELlNA: No, he of course doesn't.

He's more of a stilettos kind of guy.




All kidding aside,

l am reminded tonight

of the Late Senator David Reeves.

He died.

He's dead now.

And l remember dear David

talking to the President and myself

about the absurdity of allowing

multiple filibusters on a single bill.


Politics is about people.

It's about people.

- Uh...
- ls your guy gonna be tweeting about this?


Okay, let me put it this way, Sam,

that guy is no longer in a position
to pay his iPhone contract.


That's because Mike McLintock there
threw him into the Potomac River.

Oh, boy. lt seems with that cornstarch
tweet, we were hoist by our own retard.




l know. l know. l know what l said.

AMY: lt's the use of the word "retard."

- lt's just not...
- But it was a joke. lt was a joke.

And then everything went silent.

If l could, l think it would behoove you
to make an apology

as soon as possible, in which case
l can get someone in your office

from an appropriate
mental health charity...

Who the fuck is pretty boy?
Who the fuck is pretty boy?

Look, it's going to be
in the papers tomorrow.

Not necessarily. Let's not make
it the story and panic, okay?

- What if Tom Hanks dies?
- What?

- What a dark thought.
- L'm not wishing that.

I'm saying anything could happen.

Tom Hanks could die,
there could be a forest fire in LA.

How did you get this job?
You really want to base your press strategy

based on trying to figure
out when Tom Hanks is gonna...

- Did somebody order a dick-o-gram here?
- AMY: Yes, seemingly.

Can we not strategize in a closet?

All right, what we're gonna do is
we're gonna walk slowly to the car, okay?

But you guys surround me, very purposeful.

- Like a human motorcade.
- Exactly.

- We're discussing important things.
- Like the pope.

- Come on.
- MlKE: Let's just roll.

- And smile, though. Smile, smile.
- Wonderful job.

Smiling. And we're gonna talk about that.

It's not enough of a motor...

Surround me more, though. Surround it.

- Surround me.
- Okay, l've got it. l've got it.

I need to keep these off yourjacket 'cause
the static attracts and retains dirt.

SELlNA: Thank you, Gary.
Making physics fun.

AMY: Every minute that we delay,
"retard" goes up a font size.

SELlNA: Well then, start the process.

Mike, l think that we're gonna have
to have you pull an all-nighter.

No, l can't. l've got the dog.

Okay, listen. Mike, you go home.

Feed the dog. Walk the dog.

Shoot the dog. Bury the dog.

- And then come back in, okay?
- The dog will be fine.

She was trying to be funny.

I know. She's not funny.
Of course l know that.

No, no, no. She won't be
available for that, either. No.

I can't say no to you again,
so l'm just going to...

Good morning.

Seen this?

Everybody seen it?
Everybody got a good look?

Front page of the style section
of The Washington Post.

You're the head of communications,
is that correct?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Tuck your shirt in.

Okay? Your dick is hanging
out of your pants.

Sue, did the President call?

- No.
- No.

- Hey, everyone.
- God.

What colossal fuckup
are we dealing with this morning?

Did the Veep kill
the last remaining snow leopard?

Did she firebomb a hospice?

I don't have time to ignore you, Jonah.

Gary, could you please ignore Jonah for me?

What do you want, Jonah?

I have a condolence card
for Senator Reeves' widow.

POTUS has signed,
the VPOTUS needs to sign.

And then l'm gonna take
this to the Hill, okay?

You talk as if you're passing
the Civil Rights Act.

- Look alive, gang.
- Hey, good-looking. What you got cooking?

Dickwad pie?

Amy, this is Paul Burton.

He's the chair of the American Foundation
for Adult Mental Disabilities.

- Hi. How are you?
- Hi. lt's nice to meet you. l'm Amy.

Mr. Burton, love to bring
you into my office.

- Thank you.
- Did you know that l have my own flag?

Ma'am, l have a condolence card
here for Senator Reeves' widow.

Oh, uh, Amy, can you...

- Gary, we are going to need two coffees.
- Okay.

- Shouldn't that be three?
- Two is good.

Guys, a man is dead.

When a sexual harasser dies,
we sign his wife's card.

Okay? That's how Washington works.

- L will sign it.
- Fine, thank you.

That was her telling me to sign her name.

If she'd wanted me to sign your name,
she would have done this...


That didn't get me.

SELlNA: l mean, l misjudged things.

Fundamentally, l would say l misjoked.

I mean, if we were gonna really be...

Ha-ha! Tall, dark and tiresome,

you need to get back to your boss's corner.

Hallowes is on the ropes.
She was reported by the blog

saying that the Late Senator Reeves
had a history of sexual misconduct.

Yeah, well, you know what?
I don't work for Senator Hallowes.

I resigned just about an hour ago.

- Are you kidding me?
- Yeah, right after l leaked that story.

- What are you planning?
- What?

- What?
- What?

AMY: Can you please
keep your eye on him, please?

MlKE: Yeah.

- 'Cause this is shady shit.
- Okay.

All right, Mike, here's what we do, okay?

At the 1 1:30, you say that Senator Hallowes
not only insulted the Late Senator Reeves,

but that she also encouraged...

No, wait, strike that.

She goaded the VP into using
the word retard in a joke.

See what l'm doing?

Senator Hallowes is responsible
for "Retardgate."

Are you like a guy trying to be clever?

'Cause you seem like a guy
who thinks he's being clever.

Take a good look at me, okay?

Now ask yourself something, Mike.

Is the man you're looking at
gonna be in a position a year from now

working above you or below you?

'Cause all ambition you had
left your body a long time ago

and now all you've got left in the last
1 0 remaining years of your working life

is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes,
and an invisible fucking dog.

Do you want to follow this plan or not?

Make a calculation, buddy.


ln your poly-sci BA, did you ever learn
how to write a press release?

I think l might have heard of that.

- Let me teach you.
- Okay.

Did Jonah leave?
Is he gone with that condolence card?

Yeah, he just left.

'Cause l think that l signed my name.

- What?
- Not Selina's name, my name.

Okay. Whoa, whoa. Okay, wait.

How sure are you on a scale of one to 1 0?
Like one is the...

Yeah, yeah, l can work out
how the fucking scale will go, Gary.

- Nine.
- That's almost a full 1 0.

- Yeah, l signed my name.
- Oh. Father.

It's gonna look like the Veep
couldn't be bothered to sign

a condolence card for one of the most
respected perverts in the Senate.

If l were writing a memoir, which l'm not,

but if l were, whew,
this would be a big moment.

No one can know about this.

- She cannot know about this.
- SUE: Duh.

- No, no, no, Gary!
- Gary, what are you doing?

GARY: So sorry.
I just need to tell you something.

What the fuck, Amy?

I am putting out two fires in there,

and l turn around to find out
that you have set fire

to the fucking fire truck.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

The level of incompetence
in this office is staggering.

We are going to get the card back
and replace it with a new one.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Simple.

You're gonna get on it.

You are going to shut this
the fuck down, okay?

Because l am busy in there
apologizing to that



Okay. lt's fine.

Mr. Burton. l am so sorry.

We're having a complicated day here.

I'm not happy about having
to give this press briefing.

Yeah, and of course
your happiness is top of my agenda,

right above climate control
and child trafficking.

Oh, my gosh, is this gonna
become like Moonlighting?

Where we fall in love and start fucking?

AMY: Gary is going to go to Jonah's office

and somewhat surreptitiously
get the card back.

I don't have a coat. l
need to hide the card.

There's coffee on my coat.

SUE: Yeah, that's right.
You can borrow my coat.

Thank you, Sue. Thank you, Sue.

- Thanks, Sue.
- Solution-Sue.

- Of course. There's some solutions.
- Thank you.

Thank you so much.
That was really kind of you.

- First of all, you should put the hood down.
- L wasn't going to put the hood up.

Well, good luck, Gary. l am convinced
that you can probably do this.

Thank you.

SUE: Want me to ring through,
tell them you're coming?

- No, my God!
- Okay, okay, a joke.

Hello. Lightening the mood here.

Amy, come up with a plan B. Okay? 'Cause...


- Jonah.
- Are you here

to steal the incorrectly-signed card, Gary?

- Come on, no.
- This looks really bad.

- Lt's not bad.
- Gary, l'm a friend of yours.

I don't think you are.

- At all.
- L'm just kidding.

Gary, loosen up, okay?
I'm gonna give you the card, all right?

All right. To be honest,
l was a little scared.

- Yeah, yeah.

- There it is.
- Thank you.

- Lt's just really...
- Okay.

- L'm sorry.
- Let's just get to the bad part.

Let's just get to the bad part
'cause l know you got one.

I don't like tension. l got acid reflux.
Let's get to the bad part.

I want Amy to go on a date with me tonight.

Okay, okay, okay. That's impossible.

Don't worry about it, okay?
We're not gonna have sex, all right?

- Because she hates me.
- Okay.

- But Amy's an eight.
- Okay.

And if all the other eights
that l do want to have sex with

see that l am eight-capable,

then l'm going to be having some sex
with an eight very soon.

It is intern season, Gary.

Do l look like a pimp to you?

You look exactly like a pimp.

Dan, waiting for some crumbs to fall?

- Fuck off.
- SUE: Uh, no.

Got to talk to her for one moment, please.

No, she's actually really burdened
right now with a bunch of...

Sue, it'll take one second, literally.

- Mike, she's spinning.
- Okay. l'll come back.

Hey! What's up, pumpkin?

What the fuck are you still doing here?

Vice President asked me to stop by.


(CHANTlNG) Go, Gary. Go, go, go, Gary.

- Go, Gary.
- Well done, buddy.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes.

- You got it?
- Yes, l did.

Wow. Gary. Good for you.

Good for... Oh. Excuse me.

All right.

Yeah, although l did have
to make a deal with Jonah.

Amy's got to go on a date with him tonight.

- Oh, no, she's not.

He doesn't want to have sex with you.
He just wants dinner and a movie.

No, Amy is not going on a date with Jonah.

Get a grip. lt's a date and no sex.

For me, that was 1 2 years of marriage.

- L'll get you guys a motel.
- Ugh.

SELlNA: Oh, God, no!

Make a hole! Make a hole! Make a hole!

- Oh, my God.
- Look at this.

- What? What?
- Look.

The President already signed this one.

Okay? We're gonna have to forge
the President's signature on the new one.

GARY: Well, that's a capital offense.

Yeah, you could be legally electrocuted
for doing that, just so you know.

I'm not here. l have plausible deniability.

DAN: Look, l'll do it. l got it.

The key is you do it upside down.

That is extraordinary.

Is there anything you can't do?

Foreplay, direct sunlight.

- Ma'am, l am at your service.
- Amy, yes.

I wanted to talk to you about this.

I have offered Dan a permanent post

- here in the office.
- Okay.

- Great.
- Not a problem.

L'll get the BlackBerry fired up.

- Sounds good to me.
- Here we go.

- Do you have a second?
- Sure.

You hired him?
You hired the biggest bastard in DC?

Yeah, well, l'm fluent in bastard.

Okay? lt's one of my languages.

Amy, l used Dan to get what l wanted.

He used you to get what he wanted.

Uh-uh. No. l definitely used him.
I'm the user, and he's the usee.

Okay, Amy, here we go.

Shrimp linguini and a porno.

Oh, hey, l'm just kidding.

It's chicken linguini. l'll be over here.

Dan is manipulative. He is cunning.

I know. That's why l hired him.
Why aren't you listening to me?

In six months when all
this bullshit dies down,

we're gonna put an oil guy
on the Clean Jobs Commission.

You're pouring oil on Clean Jobs?

Please, please, Amy, grow up.

This is how they solved
the Cuban Missile Crisis.

This is my Cuba.

Did Dan tell you that this is your Cuba?

He's such a shit.

I know, that's what l'm trying to tell you.

You sold him to me as a shit
and that's why l hired him.

He's shitty me, okay? l need a shit.

- You are so going to regret...
- Amy, l need a shit.

- Knock, knock. Hello.
- Hello.

Bob Jeffries of the Plastics
and Cellulose Association.

Oh, my goodness.

- Madam Vice President.
- How do you do?

- Please, come into my office.
- Thank you so much.

Do you know that l have my own flag?

I hope that's one of our cellulose flags.

SELlNA: (LAUGHS) You're too much.

JONAH: Your chariot awaits.
So, yeah, grab your coat.

Okay, little Jack Horner, there you are.
You got a brand-new desk in the corner.

Follow me, l've got a beautiful spot

for your adoring photo
of girlfriend Carol Hallowes.

Actually, she's not my girlfriend anymore.

I just broke up with her
about 1 5 minutes ago via text.

- Cold and rather nerdy.
- Actually, it was an app.

All right, move out. Slick's moving in.

SELlNA: Gary, can we get
two coffees in here?

No sweeteners.

- No sweeteners?
- Sugar.

- No sweeteners?
- No sweetener. Sugar.

Touch me, you lose a finger. And a ball.

Funny story.
I was at the White House this morning

and the President saw l
was eating trail mix.

So l said, "Do you like trail mix?"