Valeria (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Mr. Champi - full transcript

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

Wait.

- There.
- In circles, babe.

Okay, okay, in circles.

- There.
- More! More.

Enjoy it now. When the baby's born,
it'll be a different story.

Wait.

- Shit! She kicked me.
- No! No, no!

- No, no. No, no. Don't pull out!
- No, please!

- Don't pull out! Don't pull out!
- Okay, okay, I'll stay, I'll stay.

- There.
- Yes. Yes.



There we go. Yes.

Besides...

no matter how big it is...

your penis won't get past my vagina.

Yes...

- Yes...
- Are you sure...

- Yes! You can fuck me as hard as you want!
- Okay!

- Don't stop!
- Okay!

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Okay! Okay!

Yes! Yes, yes! Yes, yes! Yes!

Fuck, honey!

Honey, I'm gonna come!

No, no, no, no!
Think about your mother or something!

Don't stop! Don't stop!
Don't stop! Don't stop!



Yes? Yes!

♪ I'm in a comfortable disgrace tonight ♪

♪ In fact, a pain of great delight ♪

♪ Isn't it funny
How the wind can turn... ♪

BASED ON THE NOVELS
BY ELÍSABET BENAVENT

♪ With people of your kind? ♪

♪ Ooh, I'm devastated just like everyone ♪

♪ But everyone enjoys me much ♪

♪ I'm afraid I've never felt ♪

VALENCIA - LAND - SEA

♪ As good as now, and it's best ♪

♪ My best in life ♪

Well...

what a surprise!

Happy birthday, Mom!

DR. REBECA FÉRRIZ HENARES

Fernando!

- Is Rebe here?
- Yes, she came yesterday.

She's at the beach with Jaime.

I told her all that sun's not good
for the baby, but...

- Mom, she's the gynecologist!
- Right...

- Valeria!
- Hi, Dad.

- Where's Adrián?
- Uh...

Oh, don't tell me...

You're separating?

No... No, no...

So, how... how's work?

Fine, fine. Everything's fine.

We haven't seen you in four months.

You know the high-speed train's expensive.

- Your sister drives here every fortnight.
- She tells us in the family group chat.

What family group chat?

Well, Jaime... started one not long ago.

Well, sweetie, make yourself at home.

5. MR. MUSHROOM

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

MR. MUSHROOM

Adri.

Val, you could've woken me up.

You were fast asleep.
I didn't want to disturb you.

You know I would've been down
to go to Valencia with you.

You hate traveling hungover.

If I'd known the plan, I'd have left
after the second G and T.

There was no plan.

So, you just woke up
and felt like traveling 250 miles?

I couldn't sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes,
I kept seeing Lola on the floor.

Oh. Shit, of course...
You were really shocked.

Have you spoken to Lola?

Yes. She texted us.
Apparently, she's gluten intolerant.

She says she's going to switch
from beer to vodka.

By the way, Alicia called me.

Three thousand followers say I should
have my own YouTube channel.

For tips on organizing your home!

Could you imagine me becoming famous?

No.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

You know how I get around my family.

Then why did you go?

♪...and many more! ♪

- Bravo, Mom-in-law!
- Got it.

- Is it a good one?
- Yes, yes, yes.

Take another one!

- Another?
- Yes!

- Sure.
- All right.

- Go on!
- Um... Another one, okay.

Done!

- Did they come out okay?
- Yup, they're all great.

Cava, anyone?

- Yes.
- It's from Santa Adela.

YOUR PRESENTS

Oh! You went back there
after what happened last time?

Her face when she saw us walk in!

Of course!

What happened?

- You know your sister!
- And your mother!

Not me! No!

- It's work.
- So answer it.

No way. I need a break this weekend.

Besides... I want to give Mom her gift.

- Uh... your phone?
- No, look!

Tap it.

A voucher for an amazing spa in El Saler!

They have more than
ten hydro massage Jacuzzis!

But, honey, with my health...

I don't think...

- Hot water's bad for low blood pressure.
- Mm.

They have massages too!

Since we're at it, here's our gift too!

What could it be?
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

♪ Ta-da, ta-da! ♪

I'm sure I'll love it!

With this gift you can start
bonding with your granddaughter right now!

- What?
- Yeah!

- Shall I help you set it up?
- Yes! Oh!

She'll hear you
like you were in my tummy with her!

- Valeria, lend me your phone.
- Oh?

- Why?
- Mine doesn't have the headphone jack.

You just plug it in here...
Thanks. This goes here.

- Those are the headphones.
- Dad.

- Mom, speak into that.
- Here?

No, not there!

- Speak into this.
- And the speaker?

It goes inside my vagina.

- Is this it?
- Yes.

- There you go.
- That goes there.

- You just speak here. Shall we try?
- Where?

- Hi, Daddy!
- Hi!

- Hi, gorgeous!
- Hello!

- Hi, Daddy!
- Aaah!

♪ Mommy, Mommy ♪

♪ Last night I dreamt ♪

♪ You bought me a little doll ♪

Hey! Come meet your niece.

I'm not talking to your vagina!

I can't believe you got yourself a dildo
for Mom's birthday!

What is wrong with you?
It's the latest in prenatal technology.

Why don't you read her
the book you're getting published?

- Yes, sweetie!
- Since when are you a writer?

It's about a superhero
called Mr. Mushroom.

Uh... Mr. Mushroom?

I would've told you,
but since you're never here...

- Mar, here's Daddy!
- Hello, hello!

Hello, Daddy!

♪ Whoo! ♪

You like the beach,
don't you, Mr. Mushroom?

"Yes! I love being at the beach!

Ooh!

You're going to fly like me!"

You are so pathetic.

Playing with food is boring,
but... with a mushroom?

His name's Mr. Mushroom,
and he's a superhero.

He can fly and spits out coins.

Really? Let's see if he can
save me from starving.

Mom!

Rebeca bit Mr. Mushroom!

That's what food is for, honey!

For eating!

Mr. Mushroom's not food!
He's a superhero!

And he has more powers than Harry Potter!

Come on, girls,
wave for the camera!

- I don't want to.
- Just you, then, Rebe!

- Want me to dance, Daddy?
- Sure!

What the fuck's wrong with you?

- They're just scribbles!
- Well, they inspired you!

Why can't you just be a gynecologist?

You're so immature sometimes.

You're the immature one!
Always vying for attention.

- It's not my fault I do things right.
- Oh, sure.

- And I do them wrong.
- No, no!

You have so many ideas,
you never follow any through!

You didn't even finish it, look!

Don't even go for something
if you can't fully own it.

Honestly, I never liked him that much.

♪ Ave María, ¿cuándo serás mía? ♪

Anyway, Lola, you should know
I'm drinking a beer in your honor.

How are you, babe? You scared us.

So... I'm guessing you don't remember
anything, right?

No, how would you?

I swear I thought you'd dropped dead.

Listen, Nere...

I'm sorry... I'm sorry you thought
we didn't care about you.

You know that's not true.

We're just all so busy lately,

we sometimes don't have time
to think about anyone else.

Mm! Hey! And what about you, Carmen?

How's your romantic weekend
with Jay-Z going?

Have fun, and when you get back,
tell us everything.

Are you peeing?

Number two, dude.

They told me it won't stop
until I get rid of all the gluten.

- Wanna see?
- No! No, don't you dare!

Lola!

Hey, I flipped out with your message.

Why?

Because you're good at pretending.

You'd rather go to Valencia
with your folks and your annoying sister

than face what happened in Madrid.

- You saw us?
- Of course.

It was so sweet,
I fainted from the excitement.

How are you?

I can't stop thinking about
how spending a night with Víctor would be.

Okay... let's think.

How about you rest for a few days and
talk to Adri once you're back in Madrid?

I can't even look him in the eye. Uh...

Anyway, a kiss isn't
really cheating, right?

Mm... well...

kind of, right?

Fuck.

Is the beach bar where I hooked up
with those Catalan twins still there?

I guess. Why?

- Meet me there tomorrow at one.
- Lola, wai...

♪ Fui a buscar al Sol... ♪

VÍCTOR - YOU OK? TALK TO ME

SORRY, I'M NOT DOING GREAT.
I'LL TEXT YOU ANOTHER DAY

CAN I CALL YOU?

CAN YOU GIVE ME A YEAR?

♪ Pensando tanto en mí ♪

♪ Y el Sol... ♪

OK. COUNTDOWN STARTS NOW.
SEE YOU SOON

♪ Se dejó alcanzar ♪

♪ Por la oscuridad... ♪

YOU MIGHT NOT REMEMBER ME.
I'M THE DICK YOU MET A YEAR AGO

I JUST STEPPED OUT OF MY DELOREAN

♪ Con el Sol a mi lado... ♪

SORRY. WRONG PERSON

YOU MAY REMEMBER ME BECAUSE
I LOOK LIKE C. TANGANA

♪ Y qué contentos los dos... ♪

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE... VÍCTOR?

♪ Corrimos tras el viento ♪

THE WORST KISS OF MY LIFE...

♪ Corrimos tras el bien... ♪

MINE TOO

CONGRATS ON YOUR BEST-SELLER.
OH, WAIT, YOU NEVER WROTE IT

ASSHOLE...

SHIT! BATTERY'S DYING
AND I'M NOT HOME!

♪ Si la Luna quiere ser el Sol ♪

♪ Y en tu camino en busca del Sol ♪

♪ Vas y te cruzas con él ♪

♪ Y al penetrar en su alrededor ♪

♪ Prendes fuego otra vez ♪

♪ Quisiera ser tan alta ♪

♪ Como la Luna ♪

♪ Como la Luna ♪

♪ Como la Luna ♪

♪ Para ver desde el cielo ♪

♪ Toda la ciudad ♪

♪ Toda la ciudad ♪

Pass me that, Jaime.

Three letters.
"Goes with saucer."

- Cup!
- Oh, cup, of course.

Aitana's daughter was the same,
and she ended up in a psych ward.

Go further up my thighs, please.

Mom. Don't be so dramatic.

No, sweetie.
She's the dramatic one.

All that fuss over a mushroom.

Just be patient with her.

Well...

she's not that patient with us.

She always tries to punch
above her weight.

She'll be frustrated forever.

I think she'll get a divorce.

What? Where'd you get that from?

I know her.

That kid gets bored of everything.

Now... we'll see if she finds
someone who'll put up with her.

Oh...

I'm going to the beach!

Mom...

- Did she hear me?
- Mom...

AH AND ANOTHER MOJITO

Good morning.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Would you believe me
if I said this was a coincidence?

Uh... No.

Good, because it wasn't.
Lola was gonna come, but she's real sick.

I called to let you know.

DICK - 13 MISSED CALLS

Thirteen is unlucky.

Call Impostor.

Can we talk about what happened?

She's definitely a celiac.

She was drinking beer the whole time.

You're freaking out
because you kissed a dick.

But that dick knows that
if it hadn't been for the celiac,

things would've gotten out of hand.

- Really?
- Yes.

I like you... and you like me.

And that kiss was fucking awesome.

I need to think.

I'm telling you,
I would sue her right now.

So what if she's my sister?
That's plagiarism!

If anyone should write
Mr. Mushroom, it's me.

- That's what you want?
- Yes.

To waste your creativity on a fungus?

Right, I know it sounds stupid,

but that fungus is very important to me.

And my family doesn't care
what's important to me.

Like always.

That could just be your perspective.
Maybe you never helped them get you.

His name was Toothy...

he was a crocodile.

A stuffed animal,
my best childhood friend.

My granddad brought it
back from London for me.

He went with us everywhere we lived,
and there were a lot of places.

I'm still convinced...

I saw him move one night.

Wow, looks like I'm not
the only imaginative one.

It was the perfect excuse
to stay in my room playing for hours,

so I wouldn't hear my parents fight.

See? I guess I felt a bit ignored too.

But over time, I realized blaming them...
was holding me back.

What do you want from me?

And you?

I think you came into my life
on a mission.

- Really? What?
- Mmm.

To be the protagonist of my novel...

that I'll never write.

Your erotic novel.

Then we've got a big problem, because
I'm not a character from your novel.

I'm here.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Mom?

Dad?

Rebe?

No!

- Here! You pee and you're gone.
- Ah!

- Okay, okay.
- Okay?

Víctor! Where are you going?

Víctor!

No! Where are you?

- What are you doing?
- You wore pigtails.

Yes, come on. Let's go.

- I love lava lamps.
- So I'll buy you one. Come on.

Team Bisbal or Bustamante?

Stupid question. Team Chenoa forever.

How'd it go? Um...

Um...

♪ I have my reasons to understand you ♪

♪ I have my reasons... ♪
No, I forgot the rest.

Come on, stop messing around. Let's go.

How many guys have you brought here?

The normal amount.

"Normal" is very subjective.

- What do you think?
- A low number.

That's what you think?

Who was the last one here?

Adrián.

See? Your sex life is depressing.

And before him?

Miquel.

The guy I was with before Adrián.

He was a gorgeous guy.

Well... gorgeous for being 17.

- Do you regret it?
- What?

Getting married so young.

Okay... Um...

Who was your first?
The very first, the lucky one.

A boy from my class.

He wanted to be my boyfriend...

and asked me for a kiss

and a date in the park.

If I'm your girlfriend,
can I still play with my friends?

Sure. We can meet in the park
by our school every day.

Okay.

I never went to that park.

Poor thing. You broke his heart.

Calm down. We were just kids.

So what?

Age doesn't matter.

You can fall madly in love
when you're three.

Sure.

Some things are more important.

What things?

Magic, for example.

A connection.

But there's one thing that's essential.

You know what it is?

What?

A lava lamp.

Shit.

Mom?

It's Adri.

Sh! Don't say a word.

Coming!

Go through the garden
and leave when he comes in, okay?

I'm sorry.

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

I told you. Mom would've killed me
if I'd missed her birthday.

Val, since I met you, you never listen
to a word your mom says.

I know, but I was thinking that
she has fewer years left and... You drove?

Oh, yeah, I rented a car.

I felt like listening to some good music
and... clearing my head a bit.

- All that trap fried my brain.
- Lovely.

- And your parents?
- I don't know.

Have you been drinking?

I had a mojito.

One?

I think more, right?

Val, are you okay?

Yeah, well, you know
how I get when I...

- Yes, when you come home.
- Yes.

You’re acting weird. I know you.

It's just that coming home is like
living in a fucking flashback.

Right...

Whenever I come here, I realize
I've made the same mistake my whole life.

What mistake?

Hey...

Thanks for coming.

Fuck.

Don't worry.

Adri, it's fine.

Honestly. No...

Adri, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

♪ Ave María, ¿cuándo serás mía? ♪

♪ Si me quisieras, todo te daría ♪

♪ Ave María, ¿cuándo serás mía? ♪

♪ Al mismo cielo yo te llevaría ♪

...then, very carefully,
you insert this into the vagina.

Ah!

- And you speak into here.
- Yes.

- Awesome gift!
- Yes!

Is that okay, honey?

Well, then, you two should be ordering
one of these machines too.

- Or are you going to wait much longer?
- Don't start, Mom.

What... You haven't even thought about it?

- Sure.
- No.

We've never talked about it.

I didn't say we'd talked.
I said I've thought about it.

- I'd love to.
- Since when do you want kids?

Val, I don't want kids now,
but I'm not ruling it out.

- Right.
- Are you?

Oh!

- Mom, the baby just kicked.
- What?

- Mom!
- Look, Teresa. Look, look!

Oh! Yes!

Aah, aah!

- Oh, honey, yes!
- Does it hurt?

It says the same thing here.

No, I'll ask my prenatal group,
just in case.

But, darling, this is the BBC,
for fuck's sake. I don't know.

But what does the BBC know
about bottle warmers?

Come on, it's the BBC.

It's scientifically proven.

Shouldn't you know about this stuff?

Is that really what you want?

They're unbearable,
but we'd do much better.

I've killed more plants
than a tsunami in Asia.

I couldn't handle a baby.

You say that now.

What if I always think like this?

Well, I think you'll change your mind.

I don't want to be one of those couples

who try to solve their problems
by having kids.

So we're still in our rough patch.

Val, what do you want from me?

And you?

I guess we're both hoping
that the other one will change.

I'm on it. I'm trying to be
less rigid, more...

open-minded.

I'm even thinking of starting
that crazy YouTube channel.

If you see yourself as a YouTuber...

But think of all the memes
they'll make about you.

Imagine we work things out, Val, and I
decide I want to be a father... for real.

Would you do that for me?

I'm exhausted. Let's go to bed.

At 28, you can't stop talking to
your sister because of a mushroom.

It's not just that.

I'm a bit of a smart-ass.

I admit it.

But just a bit.

But I've never stopped you
from doing what you wanted.

Val, you've always had great ideas.
Always.

But you store them in your head.

Choose one and go for it.

That's basically what I did,
and they rejected my novel.

I'm afraid too.

I'm terrified of being a mom.

But you've got it all under control.

That's the problem.
I'm a fucking control freak.

The chances of my daughter hating me
are really high.

That's true. I'd never thought of that.

- Poor girl!
- Mm.

I know Jaime's going to be the favorite.

The overindulgent father.

First time you'd ever come
in second place.

But that doesn't mean I won't try.

Aren't you scared the baby's
going to fuck up your marriage?

But I think it'll be worth it.

Are you and Adri having problems?

You could say we're having a tough time.

I can't have it all
under control like you.

Has he met someone?

Then what is it?

Nothing. Nothing.

Hi, Mar.

Can you hear me?

I'm your auntie.

Sorry for not introducing myself before.

I was hoping to become
a better version of myself

before you were born,

but I don't think
that'll happen in time.

Look...

I...

I really love Adri.

And he loves me.

But we've changed so much...

Or maybe we were always like this.

It's a shame you don't get
a manual at your wedding

so you can learn how to do this.

Well, no... I'd probably never
have finished reading it.

Anyway...

I just hope you have things
more figured out than I do.

By the way...

I want you to be the first to know.

I'm going to write a novel.

♪ While I powder my nose ♪

♪ He will powder his gums ♪

♪ And if I try to get close ♪

♪ He is already gone ♪

♪ Don't know where he's going ♪

- ♪ Don't know where he's been ♪
- Val?

- You coming?
- ♪ But he is restless at night ♪

♪ 'Cause he has horrible dreams ♪

♪ So we lay in the dark... ♪

Adri, I... I wouldn't have a baby
just because you asked me to.

And I'm going to start writing
my novel again.

♪ I don't know what we're doin' ♪

♪ I don't know what we've done ♪

♪ But the fire is comin' ♪

Bye.

- ♪ So I think we should run... ♪
- Thanks for coming.

And drive safe, there are always
madmen on the roads.

- Eh?
- Come on, Dad.

Don't worry.

- I'll call when I'm home, okay?
- Okay.

Val, you sure you don't want
to come to Madrid with me?

I'd rather start the novel here.
But I'll get the train in a few days.

Okay. Give me a kiss.

The keys.

- Bye!
- Bye!

- Bye!
- Drive safe!

♪ Run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ While I put on my shoes ♪

MR. MUSHROOM

♪ He will button his coat ♪

♪ And we will step outside ♪

♪ Checking that the coast
Is clear on both sides ♪

♪ 'Cause we don't wanna be seen ♪

♪ Oh, this is suicide ♪

♪ But you can't see the ropes ♪

♪ And I won't tell my mother ♪

♪ It's better she don't know ♪

♪ And he won't tell his folks ♪

♪ 'Cause they're already ghosts and ♪

♪ We'll just keep each other ♪

♪ As safe as we can ♪

♪ Until we reach the border ♪

♪ Until we make our plan ♪

♪ To run, run, run, run ♪

♪ To run, run, run, run... ♪

THE BEACH WAS EMPTY

THEY HAD DECIDED TO GO FOR A WALK

WE JUST NEEDED TO BE NAKED
IN ORDER TO FULFILL MY FANTASIES

I MOVED MY HIPS, TOUCHING
MYSELF WITH DELICACY

♪ Will you stay with me, my love ♪

LEAVING PHANTOM FOOTPRINTS

♪ For another day? ♪

LEAVE AND THINK ABOUT ME

♪ 'Cause I don't want to be alone ♪

♪ When I'm in this state ♪

♪ Will you stay with me, my love ♪

♪ Till we're old ♪

♪ And gray? ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't wanna be alone ♪

♪ When these bones decay ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run, run, run, run ♪

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