United We Fall (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
A couple with young children and overzealous extended families let their judgmental grandmother move in with them.
EMILY: Da-ad?
Da-ad?
Emily?
I had a dream.
[WHISPERING] I know
how you're gonna die.
- What?!
- [CLATTER]
[SCREAMING]
What's... What's happening?
What's happening?
She just said she knows
how I'm gonna die.
Do we have life insurance?
[GROANS]
Can I have my iPad?
I want to look at pictures of mummies.
Can she?
What? No!
Go to bed!
Can I at least have a Popsicle?
Can she?
- Uh, no? No!
- No.
No. Bed.
If you wake your sister,
no more "National Geographic for Kids."
Bill, did you just threaten
to punish her
by taking away geography?
Yep.
And I'll do it, too.
Her obsession with Ancient
Egypt is very weird.
I love her, but she is just strange.
You know, she names all her bananas
and then does their screams
while she eats them.
- Are we bad parents?
- Ohh.
Probably.
She has zero friends.
You know,
I wish she could just make one.
Must be why her teacher's making
us come in for this conference.
Yeah, it's gotta be bad news, right?
Or else the teacher would just text us.
It's like, why don't people
just text bad news?
Yeah, what, do you want to stare
at us while we get bad news?
I mean, t-that's psycho.
Our daughter's insane,
and the teacher's psycho.
Well, we figured it out.
Great 2:00 a.m. talk, sweetie.
- [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
[DOOR SLAMS, GIRL CRYING]
[GROANS]
And she woke the baby.
Okay, that's it! No more Egypt!
Aah!
♪♪
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
I hate the sunrise.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm already exhausted,
and nothing's even happened yet.
Hey, look at this Facebook reminder.
10 years ago today...
Whitewater rafting in Belize.
Wait, who's that guy you're kissing?
That's you.
Wow! I have so much hair.
I know.
I know.
But this is better.
Right?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.
Oh. Whatcha drawing?
My birthday party.
Yeah? You better leave
room for your friends.
No, I'm done.
Good morning, my angels.
- Good morning, Mom.
- Morning.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Grandma.
My medications are
interacting with each other
in a very pleasant way this morning.
- Here you go, kids.
- Yummy!
Or... Or maybe they'd like
some of my bran cereal.
- Please, not this again. I can't.
- Give me strength, Jesus.
I'm sorry, but, like all Americans,
these kids need more fiber.
What are they? 50-year-old cops?
They'll be fine.
Oh, you laugh,
but if you don't eat enough fiber,
I know how you're gonna die.
Look, Mom, if we give them bran,
they won't eat it, okay?
Watch.
See?
You see?
Are we just going to let
her throw her cereal?
Yes, that's...
That's what 2-year-olds do.
[GASPS] But they might not,
if we team up together to
establish consequences.
Oh! Like how you used to
threaten to take my dog away?
Exactly! That worked!
Through fear!
Okay, Bill, what's your generation's
enlightened way
of stopping the bran bandit?
Here you go, sweetie.
See?
My pops!
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Good, Lulu.
Grandma can't take you away.
Prepare to be e-mailed several articles.
Hey, remember when my mom
moved in with us two years ago
because she was sick?
Then she got better and never left?
It was the worst miracle.
Honey, I love her,
but we cannot let her
negativity get to us.
No, no, don't worry.
We will never treat the kids
the way she treats us, okay?
Look, let... let's just make
a conscious decision
to be positive, huh?
You know what? I like it.
How about this...
How about we both say something
- that we're grateful for, okay?
- Okay.
- I love yo...
- I love Dan,
- the guy who trims our trees.
- Huh? Oh.
Yeah, he's good.
Okay. Here you are, kiddo.
Let me grab your backpack.
Oh, Bill, did you get her lunch?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bill, I don't remember
rushing around like this
when I was raising you.
I guess I was organized.
Thanks, Mom.
Hey, babe, is this a leak?
You know, I did not marry
a contractor to live like this.
We gotta hide that bucket.
Chuy's coming over.
What? Why?
Because I couldn't get any of my
other brothers to drive me to work.
Oh, come on.
Don't let him in the house, okay?
I can't deal with his upbeat negativity.
He really is caring and helpful...
[WHISPERING] and annoying
and so freakin' awful.
I love him.
- That lines up.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS] Crap. He's in the driveway.
Oh, just go. Just go. Get out
the door. Don't worry about...
- Hey!
- Hey!
What's going on there, bud?
Good to see you, Chu.
I know you guys are too
proud to ask for help,
so my wife, Brie, and I
put together a charity box for you.
Chuy, we both work
for the family business.
I make the same as you do.
Come on, Jo. It's me, your brother!
The car is "in the shop,"
you're still living with Bill's mom.
No, she lives with us.
- It's unclear.
- No, it isn't.
And I checked your recycling.
There were 12 beer cans in there.
So? [SCOFFS]
Look, I've been known to enjoy
a cerveza on a Friday night
after the kids go to bed,
but each of you is drinking
almost a beer a night.
Okay, well, most
of those are Jo's, so...
I can barely see you guys
behind all these red flags.
Okay, well, you should probably
be getting off to work, huh?
- Time is money.
- No, no, no. Time is time.
Maybe if you knew that,
you'd have money.
♪ Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T... ♪
Oh, whatcha doing, sweetie?
The alphabet backwards.
Oh.
Aren't you gonna correct her?
They won't. I've tried.
We will just see what her
teacher has to say about it
today at her conference.
Oh, so, you're gonna let the teacher
parent your child for you?
[CHUCKLES]
Maybe.
See, Chuy, this is the attitude
I was texting you about.
Okay, no, look, I got it, alright?
Hey. Hey, you.
Is everything alright at school? Hmm?
Have you been disruptive?
I don't know, Dad.
Have you been disruptive?
Boop!
I can't believe we're here
and my brother Gary's
on a yacht in Italy.
Eight of my brothers are in court,
on opposite sides.
I don't want to go to
some dumb conference
and hear that we're bad parents.
This sucks.
Doesn't have to suck for both of us.
[MUFFLED] Oh, nice try. You're going.
Okay, you know what? We need a plan.
Can I make a positive suggestion?
- Okay?
- Okay.
Uh...
you tend to need... everyone to like us,
so would you mind not
holding my hand in there,
just to make us look good?
Okay. Can I make a positive suggestion?
Sure.
You get very emotional whenever
we talk about the children,
so don't start crying
and then turn this into
your personal therapy.
Alright, alright, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Just being positive again...
Don't laugh when she hasn't made a joke.
You do that, and it's weird.
Know what I mean?
Okay.
Also, being super positive...
Don't volunteer me to
make tacos for the class,
or I will freak out.
Okay. Alright. That feels
like enough positivity for n...
Oh, God. It's time.
Alright. Let's not overthink this.
We will listen, not talk.
It's about Emily, not us.
Great. Listen, don't talk. Got it.
- What's more important?
- You know, Emily's independent.
- Friends or character?
- Americans are independent.
Actually, that's why we
celebrate Independence Day.
I mean, wasn't Einstein unusual?
Right. Wasn't Picasso?
Wasn't, uh... who's that fellow?
Armie Hammer?
First of all, hello.
[LAUGHS]
Not a joke.
Please, have a seat.
You seem nervous I called you in.
Of course I'm nervous.
My daughter knows how I'm gonna die.
Well, I felt it important,
given Emily's...
quirks, that you hear in person...
- Oh, boy.
- Here we go.
That I think Emily is...
great.
Alright, listen, where do you get of...
Wait, what?
Wow. That's terrific.
That's actually a gigantic relief.
Also feels a bit like
you could have texted it.
Yeah.
So, she gets along with other kids?
No. [SCOFFS]
But her best friend is her imagination.
She actually reminds me of
a student I had years ago
who wound up going to Harvard.
- Neat.
- Good for him!
Yeah, well, he was
crushed by an avalanche.
Girl, he dead.
- Oh, no.
- Sorry for your loss.
Anyway, Emily.
She struggles a bit socially,
but still, she's happy,
so you must be great parents.
[GASPS]
Ohh!
Oh!
You know, uh, this morning,
my mom said that I was
raising my kids wrong,
but she's wrong.
She...
[VOICE BREAKING] was wrong about me.
I'm sorry.
Mrs. Shaw, thank you so much.
My pleasure.
We're actually having
an international food day,
if you want to volunteer.
Oh. Nope. Sorry. No, I can't.
Gotta work. Sorry. Busy.
Emily's great! Positivity works!
Ohhh! [LAUGHS]
[GASPS]
I can't wait to rub it in my mom's face.
Me, too.
Hi!
Hi!
- Oh, who's that?
- No clue.
♪♪
You're probably wondering
why we invited you in.
You need money.
You see, today,
we've decided to be positive.
Interesting.
And at our conference,
the teacher said she loves Emily.
Mm-hmm. And the teacher added
that Emily reminds her exactly
of a student who went to...
Wait. Hold on a second. I forget.
Do you remember where it was, Jo?
Mm... Harvard.
Harvard.
That's a college, Mom.
And just for reference, dear brother,
where was it, again, that you went?
University of Longmont.
Well, in spite of both of you
thinking that we do everything wrong,
the teacher said that
we are great parents.
Great...
parents.
This wine tastes cheap.
Yeah, well, last Christmas,
you gave it to us.
Mom, look!
- Oh, my God!
- What happened?!
Why is that outside her body?!
- I don't know!
- Why?!
Bill, get Lulu! We have
to go to the ER now!
It's a prolapsed rectum.
Well, now we have the wedding toast.
Oh, my God. Is she gonna be okay?
What happened?
Well, a prolapsed rectum is,
for lack of a more graceful description,
when your entire butt
falls out of your body.
Okay, so anyone's butt can just
fall out at... at any moment?
Yes.
That is such a design flaw!
I should know! I'm an engineer!
What kind of life is this?!
Bill, calmate.
Are we looking at surgery?
No, if she relaxes for an hour,
everything should naturally
go back into her body,
and then you just need to make
sure she gets enough fiber.
Do not tell that to my mother.
I... won't.
So, it won't happen again?
Oh, no, it could easily happen again,
and you'll never know when or where,
but also, maybe it won't.
Okay, so, on top of
everything else that's going on,
we're essentially living
with a butt time bomb.
Yes.
For your daughter's file,
can you tell me what happened?
We don't know exactly.
We were in the other room,
she screamed for us...
Yeah, you know how kids are constantly
screaming and it's usually nothing?
So, you typically ignore her screams?
No. I mean,
we're not helicopter parents.
Right, but at the same time,
we're not free-range parents.
We have no style.
We're... We're kind of nothing parents.
Yeah, yeah, we're just sort of there,
yet at the same time... not.
Why are you writing so much?
Don't worry.
This is just information for Jane.
Who's Jane?
Hi, I'm Jane Costa. I'm a social worker.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Social worker?
Do I need to call my attorney?
[SOFTLY] Do I need to Google
attorneys and pick one really fast?
No, I just have to ask you
a few questions
and make sure there
are no parenting issues.
Okay.
Your kids have been to the ER
three times already this year.
Oh, that's it?
Can you explain the reason
for all these visits?
Well, the first visit was pinworms.
If we say anything more about it,
I'll throw up.
The next visit...
well, Lulu had a temperature of 107.
It was actually a hospital record.
[CHUCKLES]
Not that we... care about
those sorts of things.
Uh, the third visit was...
again, pinworms.
Do you have a garbage pail?
Is there a problem?
I mean, it's clear
nothing criminal took place.
Maybe just a little bit
of negligent parenting.
- Excuse me?
- No, you know what?
Hearing it out loud,
I'm beginning to see her side of this.
No.
How old are you, Jane?
23.
And do you have children, Jane?
It's not good when she starts
saying your name like that.
- Not now, Bill.
- Okay.
No offense... This isn't about me.
It's about you.
Oh, but this is about you,
because you have no idea what life is.
- I'm sorry?
- 10 years ago, I was you.
No responsibilities, life was easy,
and now I haven't used
a bathroom by myself
in six years!
That's a little bit on me, actually.
You have no idea the
pressure of raising kids,
knowing that you can't
possibly do everything right,
but you have to do it anyway,
while your mother-in-law questions
every single thing you do.
That's kind of a cheap shot.
And still, you make sure
that your beautiful child is safe,
and you send her out into the world,
and no one at school
will be friends with her,
and then her organs just
go flying out of her body!
So, God forbid, if in the middle
of all this chaos, Jane,
you have a sip of wine
and something bad happens!
Well, let me tell you,
that is not negligence!
It's called life!
I don't even know
what time it is anymore.
- 3:00 a.m.
- It's 3:00 a.m., Jane!
So, if my daughter's
butt is back in her body,
we would very much like
to go home now, Jane!
Yeah!
♪♪
Hey. How we doing?
Everything's back
where it's supposed to be.
She's good to go.
Ah, thank you, Doctor.
I heard you yelled at Jane.
Yeah. Sorry. I snapped.
I'm a parent. I understand.
Sometimes you just need
to yell at a stranger.
Besides, she made a big error
in the softball game last
weekend, so... good.
Hey. Look what we got you.
His name is Samuel,
he lives in Antarctica,
and his main predator is seals.
Okay, kiddo. Time to go.
It was fun watching
a movie with you, Kimmy.
Thanks for teaching me about mummies.
No problem. They're very interesting.
Can you come play with me sometime?
That would be fun. Bye.
Bye.
Dad.
I get to go home,
but Kimmy has to stay here,
and I don't want her to be alone.
Sam will take care of you.
Thank you.
Guess we're doing something right.
[VOICE BREAKING] Hey,
keep him away from seals, Kimmy.
Oh. Okay.
♪♪
Life is so weird.
We're positive,
and then a butt disaster happens.
Then we're negative,
and Emily finally makes a friend.
People who don't
have children are stupid
and understand nothing
and are also very, very lucky.
Hey. Let's be grateful.
Seeing all those kids
in the hospitals...
- No, I know. I know.
- Ohh.
We're blessed.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
[POLICE SIREN CHIRPS]
The universe hates us!
Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
You reek of alcohol.
Oh, right. No.
Uh, about nine hours ago,
my wife threw a glass
of white wine on me.
By accident. [CHUCKLES]
Uh-huh.
Hey, have you ever heard
of a prolapsed rectum?
Sir, please step out of the car.
- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Woman, I can do anything you like ♪
♪ I can do anything you need ♪
♪ Ain't I got a better body ♪
♪ Than the magazines you read? ♪
♪ None of them boys know the
first thing about your fantasy ♪
♪ And if they tried,
they cannot do it just like me ♪
♪ I know you certainly been gone ♪
M, L, K, J, I...
I...
- H!
- H!
- G, F, E, D...
- G, F, E, D...
- C, B, A!
- C, B, A!
- Yay!
- Yay!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
I always do the alphabet backwards.
And I will never correct
anything she does.
I mean, we're great parents.
Who are you to tell me
what's right or wrong?
I'm a police officer.
How about I drive home?
Hey, we did it.
We made it home.
[LAUGHS]
It's not a joke.
I hate the sunrise.
- The worst.
- Ugh.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Look at everything that
happened just today, huh?
That was, uh...
Oh, that was, uh...
so much life.
[SIGHS]
Too much life.
I, um...
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Me either, babe.
But... I know we can
get through anything, together.
Good morning!
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hey! I thought you were
trying to be positive.
Da-ad?
Emily?
I had a dream.
[WHISPERING] I know
how you're gonna die.
- What?!
- [CLATTER]
[SCREAMING]
What's... What's happening?
What's happening?
She just said she knows
how I'm gonna die.
Do we have life insurance?
[GROANS]
Can I have my iPad?
I want to look at pictures of mummies.
Can she?
What? No!
Go to bed!
Can I at least have a Popsicle?
Can she?
- Uh, no? No!
- No.
No. Bed.
If you wake your sister,
no more "National Geographic for Kids."
Bill, did you just threaten
to punish her
by taking away geography?
Yep.
And I'll do it, too.
Her obsession with Ancient
Egypt is very weird.
I love her, but she is just strange.
You know, she names all her bananas
and then does their screams
while she eats them.
- Are we bad parents?
- Ohh.
Probably.
She has zero friends.
You know,
I wish she could just make one.
Must be why her teacher's making
us come in for this conference.
Yeah, it's gotta be bad news, right?
Or else the teacher would just text us.
It's like, why don't people
just text bad news?
Yeah, what, do you want to stare
at us while we get bad news?
I mean, t-that's psycho.
Our daughter's insane,
and the teacher's psycho.
Well, we figured it out.
Great 2:00 a.m. talk, sweetie.
- [GRUNTS]
- [GRUNTS]
[DOOR SLAMS, GIRL CRYING]
[GROANS]
And she woke the baby.
Okay, that's it! No more Egypt!
Aah!
♪♪
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
I hate the sunrise.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm already exhausted,
and nothing's even happened yet.
Hey, look at this Facebook reminder.
10 years ago today...
Whitewater rafting in Belize.
Wait, who's that guy you're kissing?
That's you.
Wow! I have so much hair.
I know.
I know.
But this is better.
Right?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.
Oh. Whatcha drawing?
My birthday party.
Yeah? You better leave
room for your friends.
No, I'm done.
Good morning, my angels.
- Good morning, Mom.
- Morning.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Grandma.
My medications are
interacting with each other
in a very pleasant way this morning.
- Here you go, kids.
- Yummy!
Or... Or maybe they'd like
some of my bran cereal.
- Please, not this again. I can't.
- Give me strength, Jesus.
I'm sorry, but, like all Americans,
these kids need more fiber.
What are they? 50-year-old cops?
They'll be fine.
Oh, you laugh,
but if you don't eat enough fiber,
I know how you're gonna die.
Look, Mom, if we give them bran,
they won't eat it, okay?
Watch.
See?
You see?
Are we just going to let
her throw her cereal?
Yes, that's...
That's what 2-year-olds do.
[GASPS] But they might not,
if we team up together to
establish consequences.
Oh! Like how you used to
threaten to take my dog away?
Exactly! That worked!
Through fear!
Okay, Bill, what's your generation's
enlightened way
of stopping the bran bandit?
Here you go, sweetie.
See?
My pops!
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Good, Lulu.
Grandma can't take you away.
Prepare to be e-mailed several articles.
Hey, remember when my mom
moved in with us two years ago
because she was sick?
Then she got better and never left?
It was the worst miracle.
Honey, I love her,
but we cannot let her
negativity get to us.
No, no, don't worry.
We will never treat the kids
the way she treats us, okay?
Look, let... let's just make
a conscious decision
to be positive, huh?
You know what? I like it.
How about this...
How about we both say something
- that we're grateful for, okay?
- Okay.
- I love yo...
- I love Dan,
- the guy who trims our trees.
- Huh? Oh.
Yeah, he's good.
Okay. Here you are, kiddo.
Let me grab your backpack.
Oh, Bill, did you get her lunch?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bill, I don't remember
rushing around like this
when I was raising you.
I guess I was organized.
Thanks, Mom.
Hey, babe, is this a leak?
You know, I did not marry
a contractor to live like this.
We gotta hide that bucket.
Chuy's coming over.
What? Why?
Because I couldn't get any of my
other brothers to drive me to work.
Oh, come on.
Don't let him in the house, okay?
I can't deal with his upbeat negativity.
He really is caring and helpful...
[WHISPERING] and annoying
and so freakin' awful.
I love him.
- That lines up.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS] Crap. He's in the driveway.
Oh, just go. Just go. Get out
the door. Don't worry about...
- Hey!
- Hey!
What's going on there, bud?
Good to see you, Chu.
I know you guys are too
proud to ask for help,
so my wife, Brie, and I
put together a charity box for you.
Chuy, we both work
for the family business.
I make the same as you do.
Come on, Jo. It's me, your brother!
The car is "in the shop,"
you're still living with Bill's mom.
No, she lives with us.
- It's unclear.
- No, it isn't.
And I checked your recycling.
There were 12 beer cans in there.
So? [SCOFFS]
Look, I've been known to enjoy
a cerveza on a Friday night
after the kids go to bed,
but each of you is drinking
almost a beer a night.
Okay, well, most
of those are Jo's, so...
I can barely see you guys
behind all these red flags.
Okay, well, you should probably
be getting off to work, huh?
- Time is money.
- No, no, no. Time is time.
Maybe if you knew that,
you'd have money.
♪ Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T... ♪
Oh, whatcha doing, sweetie?
The alphabet backwards.
Oh.
Aren't you gonna correct her?
They won't. I've tried.
We will just see what her
teacher has to say about it
today at her conference.
Oh, so, you're gonna let the teacher
parent your child for you?
[CHUCKLES]
Maybe.
See, Chuy, this is the attitude
I was texting you about.
Okay, no, look, I got it, alright?
Hey. Hey, you.
Is everything alright at school? Hmm?
Have you been disruptive?
I don't know, Dad.
Have you been disruptive?
Boop!
I can't believe we're here
and my brother Gary's
on a yacht in Italy.
Eight of my brothers are in court,
on opposite sides.
I don't want to go to
some dumb conference
and hear that we're bad parents.
This sucks.
Doesn't have to suck for both of us.
[MUFFLED] Oh, nice try. You're going.
Okay, you know what? We need a plan.
Can I make a positive suggestion?
- Okay?
- Okay.
Uh...
you tend to need... everyone to like us,
so would you mind not
holding my hand in there,
just to make us look good?
Okay. Can I make a positive suggestion?
Sure.
You get very emotional whenever
we talk about the children,
so don't start crying
and then turn this into
your personal therapy.
Alright, alright, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Just being positive again...
Don't laugh when she hasn't made a joke.
You do that, and it's weird.
Know what I mean?
Okay.
Also, being super positive...
Don't volunteer me to
make tacos for the class,
or I will freak out.
Okay. Alright. That feels
like enough positivity for n...
Oh, God. It's time.
Alright. Let's not overthink this.
We will listen, not talk.
It's about Emily, not us.
Great. Listen, don't talk. Got it.
- What's more important?
- You know, Emily's independent.
- Friends or character?
- Americans are independent.
Actually, that's why we
celebrate Independence Day.
I mean, wasn't Einstein unusual?
Right. Wasn't Picasso?
Wasn't, uh... who's that fellow?
Armie Hammer?
First of all, hello.
[LAUGHS]
Not a joke.
Please, have a seat.
You seem nervous I called you in.
Of course I'm nervous.
My daughter knows how I'm gonna die.
Well, I felt it important,
given Emily's...
quirks, that you hear in person...
- Oh, boy.
- Here we go.
That I think Emily is...
great.
Alright, listen, where do you get of...
Wait, what?
Wow. That's terrific.
That's actually a gigantic relief.
Also feels a bit like
you could have texted it.
Yeah.
So, she gets along with other kids?
No. [SCOFFS]
But her best friend is her imagination.
She actually reminds me of
a student I had years ago
who wound up going to Harvard.
- Neat.
- Good for him!
Yeah, well, he was
crushed by an avalanche.
Girl, he dead.
- Oh, no.
- Sorry for your loss.
Anyway, Emily.
She struggles a bit socially,
but still, she's happy,
so you must be great parents.
[GASPS]
Ohh!
Oh!
You know, uh, this morning,
my mom said that I was
raising my kids wrong,
but she's wrong.
She...
[VOICE BREAKING] was wrong about me.
I'm sorry.
Mrs. Shaw, thank you so much.
My pleasure.
We're actually having
an international food day,
if you want to volunteer.
Oh. Nope. Sorry. No, I can't.
Gotta work. Sorry. Busy.
Emily's great! Positivity works!
Ohhh! [LAUGHS]
[GASPS]
I can't wait to rub it in my mom's face.
Me, too.
Hi!
Hi!
- Oh, who's that?
- No clue.
♪♪
You're probably wondering
why we invited you in.
You need money.
You see, today,
we've decided to be positive.
Interesting.
And at our conference,
the teacher said she loves Emily.
Mm-hmm. And the teacher added
that Emily reminds her exactly
of a student who went to...
Wait. Hold on a second. I forget.
Do you remember where it was, Jo?
Mm... Harvard.
Harvard.
That's a college, Mom.
And just for reference, dear brother,
where was it, again, that you went?
University of Longmont.
Well, in spite of both of you
thinking that we do everything wrong,
the teacher said that
we are great parents.
Great...
parents.
This wine tastes cheap.
Yeah, well, last Christmas,
you gave it to us.
Mom, look!
- Oh, my God!
- What happened?!
Why is that outside her body?!
- I don't know!
- Why?!
Bill, get Lulu! We have
to go to the ER now!
It's a prolapsed rectum.
Well, now we have the wedding toast.
Oh, my God. Is she gonna be okay?
What happened?
Well, a prolapsed rectum is,
for lack of a more graceful description,
when your entire butt
falls out of your body.
Okay, so anyone's butt can just
fall out at... at any moment?
Yes.
That is such a design flaw!
I should know! I'm an engineer!
What kind of life is this?!
Bill, calmate.
Are we looking at surgery?
No, if she relaxes for an hour,
everything should naturally
go back into her body,
and then you just need to make
sure she gets enough fiber.
Do not tell that to my mother.
I... won't.
So, it won't happen again?
Oh, no, it could easily happen again,
and you'll never know when or where,
but also, maybe it won't.
Okay, so, on top of
everything else that's going on,
we're essentially living
with a butt time bomb.
Yes.
For your daughter's file,
can you tell me what happened?
We don't know exactly.
We were in the other room,
she screamed for us...
Yeah, you know how kids are constantly
screaming and it's usually nothing?
So, you typically ignore her screams?
No. I mean,
we're not helicopter parents.
Right, but at the same time,
we're not free-range parents.
We have no style.
We're... We're kind of nothing parents.
Yeah, yeah, we're just sort of there,
yet at the same time... not.
Why are you writing so much?
Don't worry.
This is just information for Jane.
Who's Jane?
Hi, I'm Jane Costa. I'm a social worker.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Social worker?
Do I need to call my attorney?
[SOFTLY] Do I need to Google
attorneys and pick one really fast?
No, I just have to ask you
a few questions
and make sure there
are no parenting issues.
Okay.
Your kids have been to the ER
three times already this year.
Oh, that's it?
Can you explain the reason
for all these visits?
Well, the first visit was pinworms.
If we say anything more about it,
I'll throw up.
The next visit...
well, Lulu had a temperature of 107.
It was actually a hospital record.
[CHUCKLES]
Not that we... care about
those sorts of things.
Uh, the third visit was...
again, pinworms.
Do you have a garbage pail?
Is there a problem?
I mean, it's clear
nothing criminal took place.
Maybe just a little bit
of negligent parenting.
- Excuse me?
- No, you know what?
Hearing it out loud,
I'm beginning to see her side of this.
No.
How old are you, Jane?
23.
And do you have children, Jane?
It's not good when she starts
saying your name like that.
- Not now, Bill.
- Okay.
No offense... This isn't about me.
It's about you.
Oh, but this is about you,
because you have no idea what life is.
- I'm sorry?
- 10 years ago, I was you.
No responsibilities, life was easy,
and now I haven't used
a bathroom by myself
in six years!
That's a little bit on me, actually.
You have no idea the
pressure of raising kids,
knowing that you can't
possibly do everything right,
but you have to do it anyway,
while your mother-in-law questions
every single thing you do.
That's kind of a cheap shot.
And still, you make sure
that your beautiful child is safe,
and you send her out into the world,
and no one at school
will be friends with her,
and then her organs just
go flying out of her body!
So, God forbid, if in the middle
of all this chaos, Jane,
you have a sip of wine
and something bad happens!
Well, let me tell you,
that is not negligence!
It's called life!
I don't even know
what time it is anymore.
- 3:00 a.m.
- It's 3:00 a.m., Jane!
So, if my daughter's
butt is back in her body,
we would very much like
to go home now, Jane!
Yeah!
♪♪
Hey. How we doing?
Everything's back
where it's supposed to be.
She's good to go.
Ah, thank you, Doctor.
I heard you yelled at Jane.
Yeah. Sorry. I snapped.
I'm a parent. I understand.
Sometimes you just need
to yell at a stranger.
Besides, she made a big error
in the softball game last
weekend, so... good.
Hey. Look what we got you.
His name is Samuel,
he lives in Antarctica,
and his main predator is seals.
Okay, kiddo. Time to go.
It was fun watching
a movie with you, Kimmy.
Thanks for teaching me about mummies.
No problem. They're very interesting.
Can you come play with me sometime?
That would be fun. Bye.
Bye.
Dad.
I get to go home,
but Kimmy has to stay here,
and I don't want her to be alone.
Sam will take care of you.
Thank you.
Guess we're doing something right.
[VOICE BREAKING] Hey,
keep him away from seals, Kimmy.
Oh. Okay.
♪♪
Life is so weird.
We're positive,
and then a butt disaster happens.
Then we're negative,
and Emily finally makes a friend.
People who don't
have children are stupid
and understand nothing
and are also very, very lucky.
Hey. Let's be grateful.
Seeing all those kids
in the hospitals...
- No, I know. I know.
- Ohh.
We're blessed.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
[POLICE SIREN CHIRPS]
The universe hates us!
Sir, have you been drinking tonight?
You reek of alcohol.
Oh, right. No.
Uh, about nine hours ago,
my wife threw a glass
of white wine on me.
By accident. [CHUCKLES]
Uh-huh.
Hey, have you ever heard
of a prolapsed rectum?
Sir, please step out of the car.
- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Woman, I can do anything you like ♪
♪ I can do anything you need ♪
♪ Ain't I got a better body ♪
♪ Than the magazines you read? ♪
♪ None of them boys know the
first thing about your fantasy ♪
♪ And if they tried,
they cannot do it just like me ♪
♪ I know you certainly been gone ♪
M, L, K, J, I...
I...
- H!
- H!
- G, F, E, D...
- G, F, E, D...
- C, B, A!
- C, B, A!
- Yay!
- Yay!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
I always do the alphabet backwards.
And I will never correct
anything she does.
I mean, we're great parents.
Who are you to tell me
what's right or wrong?
I'm a police officer.
How about I drive home?
Hey, we did it.
We made it home.
[LAUGHS]
It's not a joke.
I hate the sunrise.
- The worst.
- Ugh.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Look at everything that
happened just today, huh?
That was, uh...
Oh, that was, uh...
so much life.
[SIGHS]
Too much life.
I, um...
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Me either, babe.
But... I know we can
get through anything, together.
Good morning!
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hey! I thought you were
trying to be positive.