United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 9 - Bryce Will Play - full transcript

Tara is trying to come to grips with the emergence of her new alter, Bryce. She's upset over the disappearance of Chicken but two other alters will soon follow suit. Dr. Hatteras is ...

PREVIOUSLY ON
"UNITED STATES OF TARA"...

WHAT IF
THERE'S NO FIXING ME?

TAKE THIS FOR A SPIN,
WRITTEN BY MY OLD THERAPIST.

SHOSHANA SCHOENBAUM,
HUH?

TARA?

GIMME CAME OUT.

Marshall: THIS MOVIE IS REALLY
ABOUT MAX GREGSON --

THE MAN WHO FELL IN LOVE
WITH THAT.

YOUR SON GOT INTO
THE FILM FESTIVAL.

WILL YOU TAKE ME?
TO NEW YORK?

IN THE NAME
OF THE FATHER, SON, HOLY --



[ RUMBLING ]
OH, FUCK ME!

Kate: I REALLY LIKE EVAN,
BUT THAT KID...

MONTY, COME DOWN HERE!
MONTY!

THAT KID'S A HANDFUL.

Abby: NEW MOMMY.
I CAN SMELL IT ON YOU.

AND I'M DOING IT ALL ALONE
RIGHT NOW.

YOU REALLY CAN'T TAKE CARE
OF YOUR KIDS

UNTIL YOU TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.

I ORDER CRAB TORTELLINI.

CATASTROPHICALLY ALLERGIC
TO CRAB.

WHY DO I ORDER IT?
BECAUSE I'M THINKING OF YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING
TO ME. I'M LOSING PIECES.

[ Sobbing ]
CHICKEN IS DEAD.

HE KILLED HER.
WHO KILLED HER?



[ Calm, menacing voice ]
I KILLED HER.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

I'M BRYCE CRAINE.

I NEED YOU
TO TAKE ME TO TARA.

WHY TARA?

I'M GOING TO KILL HER.

[ MUNCHING ]

OUT OF THE CORNFIELD,
INTO THE CAR,

DRIVE TO A DINER,
ORDER PANCAKES.

[ As Bryce ]
PANCAKES RULE.

THEN BACK IN THE CAR,
DRIVE AROUND TOWN,

STOP FOR PETROL,
GO TO A NEW DINER.

MURDER MAKES ME HUNGRY.

YEAH,
THAT WAS A STUFFED TOY.

YOU HAVEN'T
KILLED ANYTHING.

I'M FUCKING WITH HER,

OLD GUY
WHO TALKS LIKE OBI-WAN.

OUR GIRL BELIEVES IT,
NOT ME.

SO, IS CHICKEN DEAD
OR NOT DEAD?

DEAD, UNDEAD --
DOES IT MATTER?

I DON'T BELIEVE
IN THIS D.I.D. BULLSHIT

ANY MORE
THAN YOU GUYS DO.

HAVEN'T HEARD
THAT ONE BEFORE.

SAY THAT AGAIN?

AND NOW I'M BORED.
AND OUT OF CHEETOS.

[ As Tara ] UH...

[ SIGHS ]

TARA,
THIS IS DR. SMOLOW.

HELLO.

HE'S A COLLEAGUE
OF MINE.

IT IS SATURDAY.
YOU'RE IN MY OFFICE.

MM.
TAKE A SEAT.

SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT.
SOMETHING --

YOU'VE HAD
QUITE A NIGHT.

CHICKEN.

I CAN'T FEEL CHICKEN.
SOMETHING HAPPENED.

SOMEONE --

BRYCE?

HE WAS JUST WITH US.

THE RELEVANT TERM HERE,
IF I MAY, IS "ABUSER ALTER."

IT'S A PERSONALITY
MODELED ON A PRIMARY ABUSER --

CARETAKER,
FAMILY MEMBER...

OR, IN THIS CASE,
STEPBROTHER.

THIS PERSONALITY PROTECTS ITSELF
FROM THE ORIGINAL ABUSE

BY -- WELL,
BECOMING THE ABUSER.

IT'S A PARADOX -- THE SELF
TURNING AGAINST ITSELF,

WHICH ACCOUNTS
FOR YOUR CUTTING.

BRYCE? WHO TURNED MY BRAIN
INTO BREAD SLICES?

THAT'S MY NEW ALTER?!

UH...

YES.

OH, GOD,
I NEED TO GO HOME.

ACTUALLY, MAYBE I NEED
TO GO TO THE PHARMACY.

NOW SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME
TO REVISIT THE OLD ANTI-PSYCHS.

WHERE'S THE TRUCK?
WE TOOK THE OGRE, RIGHT?

YEAH,
I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME.

NO, NO, I'M GOOD TO DRIVE.
I LIKE DRIVING.

NO, NO. OKAY,
YOU DRIVE ME HOME, OKAY?

'CAUSE I CAME
IN YOUR CAR.

OH, GOD,
I CAN'T FEEL CHICKEN.

SHE'S GONE.
WHAT HAPPENED?

WE'LL DISCUSS IT
IN THE OGRE.

[ Sighing ] OKAY.

AN ALTER
WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN D.I.D.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

MUSTARD, SPICY MUSTARD,
FANCY ASSHOLE MUSTARD,

RELISH, ONIONS, KRAUT,

SOMETHING I CALL SECRET SAUCE,
BUT IT AIN'T RECOMMENDED.

TWO DOGS
WITH MUSTARD AND KRAUT.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE SECRET SAUCE?

TURNS YOUR DOG INTO AN ENEMA.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

ME -- I PREFER
TO STAY BUNGED UP.

OKAY, THEN.

YEAH!

GOOD TO BE
OUT OF FUCKING KANSAS, HUH?

FUCKING OrgaLawn AND ALL THAT
CRAZY FUCKING-ASS SHIT AT HOME.

I MEAN...I DON'T MEAN
WHAT YOU THINK I MEAN.

MOM'S A HANDFUL.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH SAYING IT.

WE'RE IN NEW YORK.
SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

A-FUCKIN'-MEN, KID.

TWO DOGS
WITH THE COWARDLY KRAUT.

THANKS.

IT'S YOUR TOWN.
WHAT'S THE PLAN?

WELL, WE HAVE THE FESTIVAL
MEET-AND-GREET AT 7:00,

SO I WAS THINKING
THE ALGONQUIN ROUND TABLE,

VILLAGE VANGUARD,
AND THE CHELSEA HOTEL?

YEAH, FUCK
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

WHAT DO YOU, UH...
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FIRST?

I WANT TO JAYWALK.

WHOO!

HOO-HOO!

WHOO-HOO!

OH!

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

FUCK! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?

NOT YOU, LITTLE BABY.

THIS FUCKING CAR SEAT.

SCANDINAVIAN PIECE OF SHIT!

OH.

YES.

[ WHEELS CRYING ]

SHIT.

MORNING.

OOH! SOMEBODY HAD
A LONG NIGHT.

BUCK? T?

EH, I COULDN'T SLEEP.

GOT UP EARLY.
HAPPY PILLS.

I WAS UP AT 4:30,
AND THAT TRUCK WAS NOT THERE.

[ CRYING CONTINUES ]
OKAY, WHEELS,
WE'RE GOING.

DID I JUST LOCK MY KEYS
IN MY CAR?

BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE
OUTSTANDING.

WHERE ARE YOU
RUSHING OFF TO?
SHIT!

OH, MOVIE MATINEE
FOR MOMMIES AND BABIES

WITH ABBY AND SOME PEOPLE
WHO CALL THEMSELVES

THE "FIERCE MOMMIES
BOOK CLUB."

DON'T ASK.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.

FUCK!

[ SIGHS ]

THANK CHRIST.

SO, ARE WE ON
FOR MENSTRUAL SUNDAY?

OH, I GOT TO PASS.
I'M CRAMMING FOR MIDTERMS.

COME ON.

KATE WILL BE BACK FROM
"LOUVILLE" OR "LOUIEVILLE"

OR WHATEVER
THE FUCK IT IS.

GIRLS ONLY,
GATHERING OUR FEMME POWER.

I BEQUEATH MY POWER
TO WHEELS.

I GOT TO CRAM.
MUST CRAM.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

I'M...INDESTRUCTIBLE.

[ CRYING CONTINUES ]

OKAY, OKAY, WE'RE GOING.

ALL RIGHT.

[ JUDAS PRIEST'S "DECEIVER"
PLAYS ]

[ RETCHES ]

* SOLAR WINDS ARE BLOWING *

* NEUTRON STAR CONTROLLING *

* ALL IS LOST *

[ As Tara ] AAH!

OH, MY --

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

F--

OH, SHIT.

[ BREATHING SHAKILY ]

I KNOW IT'S WEIRD --
I MEAN, IT'S JUST A BURNT BOOK,

BUT SHE'S NOT THERE
ANYMORE.

I MEAN, IT'S SHOSHANA.
SHE NEVER SHUTS THE FUCK UP.

AND...UP --

AND UPSTAIRS, IT'S JUST --
IT'S REALLY QUIET.

[ SIGHS ]

HOW'S THE HAND?

[ SCOFFS ]
WELL, IT'S BEEN BETTER.

BUT, I MEAN, IT'S STILL THERE.
I CAN FEEL IT.

SHIT.

WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY
FOR CHICKEN AND SHOSHANA.

SO, YEAH,
TAKE DOWN THOSE NOTES,

BECAUSE NOW OUR PAPER IS ON
THE CRAZIEST WOMAN IN KANSAS.

HEY, WHY LIMIT OURSELVES
TO KANSAS?

I'M SURE THERE'S SOME NUTJOB
IN ARGENTINA

WHO'S PRETTY
FUCKING OUT THERE,

BUT CAN HE BATTLE
THE MOLESTEE

WITH THE CREAM-FILLED
MOLESTER INSIDE?

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

Dr. Hattaras:
I CAN'T TAKE NOTES FAST ENOUGH,

LET ALONE ANALYZE
WHAT I'VE WRITTEN DOWN.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT MIND
IS LABYRINTHINE.

I MEAN, IT'S -- IT'S --
IT'S BEYOND THE --

BEYOND YOUR REACH?

LET'S MOVE RIGHT ON
PAST THE ETHICAL LAPSES

THAT YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH
HERE, JACK,

AND SAY IT PLAIN --
SHE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP.

I'M A PROFESSIONAL.

YOU'RE A PROFESSOR -- MONDAYS,
WEDNESDAYS, AND OFFICE HOURS.

TODAY IS SATURDAY.

THE CAMPUS IS CLOSED,
AND THAT WOMAN IS UNRAVELING.

SO WE SHOULD PUT HER ON AN ICE
FLOE AND JUST PUSH HER OFF.

LOOK,
THE DEPARTMENT UNDERSTANDS

WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GOING
THROUGH -- THE KITE MAN.

IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE
THAT YOU WANT TO MOVE
ON TO SOMETHING ELSE.

THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
TO DO WITH HER!

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU,
JACK.

THE DEPARTMENT ALSO NEEDS
TO THINK ABOUT LIABILITY.

YOU IN THERE WITH HER --
THAT IS A LAWSUIT.

YOU DON'T WALK OUT
ON A PATIENT.

A PATIENT?

[ SIGHS ]

GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS,
JACK, OR I WILL.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR DEPTH
HERE.

SO SAYS THE KANSAS STATE
OVERLAND PARK

CO-CHAIR
OF THE PSYCH DEPARTMENT.

SHE'LL MAKE
A FANTASTIC OBITUARY

FOR THE KANSAS
FUCK-ALL GAZETTE.

SEE YOU MONDAY.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

SENSIBLE SMOLOW, THE KARL JUNG
OF EASTERN MISSOURI,

DIED TODAY
IN A CRAPPY MOTEL,

HIS DICK IN BETWEEN THE SLICES
OF A ROAST-BEEF SANDWICH!

HIS CHILDREN REJOICED!

[ SIGHS ]

THAT WAS
THE BEST MUSEUM

DEDICATED TO THE MANUFACTURING
OF BASEBALL BATS

I'VE EVER BEEN TO.

WELL, A BRIGHTER MAN
WOULD POINT OUT

THAT THIS IS
THE ONLY MUSEUM

DEDICATED TO THE MANUFACTURING
OF BASEBALL BATS.
[ LAUGHS ]

WELL,
I LIKE BRIGHT MEN

AS MUCH AS I LIKE
BASEBALL-BAT MUSEUMS.

SO YOU HATE THIS PLACE
BUT YOU LIKE ME.

HMM.

I DON'T HAVE ANY HATE
IN MY BODY,

AND HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU
REMAINS SHROUDED IN MYSTERY.

MMM.

GIVE ME MY BAT,
NO-BUTT.

HEY. HOW'D IT GO
IN THERE, KIDDO?

YOU MAKE
A SPICY MEATBALL?

OH-HO, YEAH.

A SPICY MEATBALL?

THAT'S A NUMBER TWO.

OH. THAT'S CUTE, KIND OF.
NOT REALLY.

I HAVE A BUTT.

MONTY, BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU'RE
SWINGING THE BAT, OKAY, BUD?

I MEAN, FOR A WHITE
GIRL, IT'S GOT A LITTLE
PUSH, LITTLE BUMP.

I LOVE YOUR ASS --

OW! MONT--

TIMEOUT!
TIME-FUCKING-OUT!

YOU SAID "FUCK."
YOU SAID "FUCK."

GET OVER HERE!
GET OVER HERE NOW!

MONT-- SORRY.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MONTY!

[ SIGHS ]

OH. NOT MINE.

NO.

MARSHALL:
So, the subway doors open,

and I get shoved into the armpit
of this 6-foot-something guy

WITH SHOCK-WHITE HAIR,
AND I LOOK UP,

BUT INSTEAD OF SAYING
"I'M SORRY,"

I JUST SAY,
"OH, MY FUCKING GOD!

YOU'RE JIM JARMUSCH!"

TARA:
Who's Jim Jarmusch?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

SAME FILM
OVER AND OVER AGAIN --
"Stranger Than Paradise."

MINIMAL PLOTTING,
FUNEREAL PACING.
"Down By Law," "Dead Man."

ARTY AMERICAN STUFF.
"Ghost Dog:
The Way of the Samurai."

TELL HIM --
IT'S MY SON.

I TOLD HIM ABOUT
THE SCREENING TOMORROW.

HE SAID
HE'D TRY TO COME.

AND THEN A COUPLE PEOPLE
STARTED SAYING,

"COME ON!
GO TO HIS MOVIE!"

AND THEN, LIKE HALF THE SUBWAY
STARTS SHOUTING AT HIM.

AND HE SAYS,
"I GIVE. I'LL GO."

JIM JARMUSCH
IS GONNA SEE MY MOVIE!

OH, MY GOD!

THAT'S --
THAT'S AMAZING, MOOSH.

Top five days
of all time.

I got to call Noah

AND TELL HIM, "OWWWW!"

OWWWW!

WE ARE EXCITED YOUNG MEN
WITH DOUBLE BEDS

AND A VIEW OF A CRAZY PERSON
PISSING IN A GARBAGE CAN.

What's going on there?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
UH...

"I HAVE A 14-YEAR-OLD
PREP-SCHOOL DEGENERATE
BIT OF THIS, BIT OF THAT.

MACHETEING HIS WAY
INTO MY INSIDES."
SAME OLD, SAME OLD.

Midterms
kicking your ass?

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

I KNOW MY WIFE.

Well, the wife...

WOULD LIKE A GIFT.

YEAH. HOW ABOUT SOMETHING
FOR A TEENAGE SOCIOPATH?
Wife gets a gift.

DARK GLASSES,
MEAT CLEAVER.

I MISS YOU.

LOVE YOU.

Love you, too.

SHIT. [ SIGHS ]
WELL,
AT LEAST HE KNOWS.

MY SON IS HAVING
THE BEST WEEKEND OF HIS LIFE.

IT CAN WAIT A DAY.
I'LL BE FINE.

YOU CAN'T, SHOULDN'T,
AND SHAN'T DO THIS ON YOUR OWN.

THEREFORE, MEAGER CONTENTS
OF YOUR FREEZER FOR DINNER

AND PERHAPS
A LITTLE AMUSE-BOUCHE

TO WHET THE APPETITE.

I WAS...

IF STARS EXIST
IN ACADEMIA...

A STAR.

ARROGANT, AGGRESSIVE,
BEST-SELLING.

[ CHUCKLES ]
BUT HOW DO --

DO YOU GET FROM OXFORD
TO COLUMBIA TO K.S.O.P.?

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

YOU STOP BELIEVING
YOU'RE A STAR.

OR, REALLY,
YOU BELIEVE IT TOO MUCH.

7s.

HMM.

GO FISH.

MAYBE YOU SLEPT
WITH A STUDENT.

[ GASPS ]

QUEENS?

GOD SAVE HER
AND HER UGLY SISTER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YES,
STUDENTS, GRADUATES,

UNDERGRADUATES,
FACULTY, SPOUSES.

BUT THAT DOESN'T GET YOU
TO K.S.O.P.

TO GET HERE...

YOU REALLY
GOT TO FORGET YOUR NAME.

YOUR TURN.

YOU STAND
AT THE MIRROR,

AND YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO YOU'RE LOOKING AT.

DRY-CLEANER HANDS YOU A SUIT
YOU DON'T REMEMBER WEARING.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

BUT YOU HAVE THE RECEIPT
THAT MATCHES THE CLAIM TICKET,

SO IT MUST BE SO.

[ Drowsily ]
THIS DRUGS ARE GOOD.

THESE DR--

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU.

OKAY.

SO THAT CONTINUED
FOR QUITE A WHILE,

BUT RECENTLY,
SOMETHING CHANGED.

[ Yawning ]
KITE BOY?

NO -- YOU.

THE CONTRACT.

OUR WORK.

GIVE ME ALL YOUR JACKS,
JACK.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YES.

[ SIGHS ]

HE REALLY KILLED THEM,
YOU KNOW.

AND THE OTHER ALTERS
ARE ANGRY AT ME.

THEY THINK
I CAN STOP IT.

THEY JUST...HIDE IN THE CORNERS
AND WON'T TALK TO ME.

SEE, I'VE HAD THESE FRIENDS
INSIDE ME FOR 20 YEARS NOW.

AND THEY ARE FRIENDS,
BUT...

...I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED THEM TO GO.

I KNOW.

'CAUSE THEY'RE NO HELP.

RIGHT?

I MEAN, MAYBE BRYCE IS
THE ONLY WAY I KNOW

HOW TO MAKE THEM...

...GO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THAT, JACK?

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ SIGHS ] I THINK
JACK IS DELUDING HIMSELF.

[ SIGHS ]

DONNIE, DON'T GO UP THERE!
YOU'LL --

[ THUD ]

[ BOY CRYING ]
SWEETIE, I TOLD YOU.

IT'S CALLED
GRAVITY AND HUBRIS.

THEY'RE WITH YOU
FOR LIFE.

HOW DO THEY LET THEM
RUN AROUND LIKE THAT?

OH, YOU GOT TO LET THEM FALL,
CHARMAINE.

I DON'T WANT THEM
TO FALL.

I WANT
A FALL-FREE CHILD.

AND I WANT MICHELLE KWAN,
BUT MY CINDY'S A G.D. KLUTZ.

MAY SHE MAKE IT TO 15
WITHOUT AN ABORTION.

I KEEP SEEING
HER FIRST STEPS,

AND I SEE
THIS STABBY, 90-DEGREE CABINET

HEADED
STRAIGHT FOR HER EYEBALL.

BLAM! BLINDNESS!
NO DATE FOR THE PROM!

I MEAN, THIS IS
WHERE MY MIND GOES.

I AM A HIGH-STRUNG,
NEUROTIC MOM, ABBY.

WE ALL ARE.

THAT'S WHY WE NEED TO FIND
BALANCE WHATEVER WAY WE CAN.

HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE "ANNA KARENINA"?

I DON'T GET THAT JOKE,
BUT THANK YOU.

MM.

THAT'S NOT WATER.

STOLI AND ROCKS.

PUMP IT, DUMP IT,
AND BUY SOME FORMULA.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT,
LADIES?

"BREAKFAST
AT TIFFANY'S."

MIMOSA.

"BEYOND THE VALLEY
OF THE DOLLS."

OH, I THINK
THAT'S A MOVIE.

I DON'T READ.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, WHAT BOOK
DO YOU WANT TO READ?

"BREAKFAST
AT TIFFANY'S."

YEAH!

TO THE FIERCE MOMMIES
BOOK CLUB.

WHOO!WHOO!
WHOO!WHOO!

YEAH!

ROSCOE!

PUT THAT BACK IN YOUR PANTS.
NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

WELCOME BACK FROM BREAK.

WE'VE GOT THREE MORE HOURS
OF FILMS TO WATCH,

SO LET'S JUST DIVE IN.

FROM OVERLAND PARK, KANSAS,

A FILM FROM MARSHALL GREGSON
AND NOAH KANE.

I-I'M PROUD.

I'M PROUD AND NERVOUS.
YOU -- YOU NERVOUS?

YES. Shh.

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

Marshall:
HER NAME IS TARA -- MY MOM.

20 YEARS AGO, SHE WAS DIAGNOSED
WITH SOMETHING CALLED D.I.D.,

OR MULTIPLE PERSONALITY
DISORDER.

SO, IN ADDITION
TO BEING MY MOM,

SHE'S ALSO A HOUSEWIFE
STUCK IN THE EISENHOWER ERA,

A VIETNAM VET,
A HIGH-SCHOOL DROPOUT,

A MANHATTAN PSYCHOTHERAPIST,
A RABID UBER-ID,

AND A 5-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

BUT THIS ISN'T A STORY
ABOUT MY MOM.

IT'S ABOUT MY DAD --

A MAN LIVING ONE LIFE,
DREAMING ANOTHER.

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

[ Muffled ]
* NEUTRON STAR CONTROLLING *

* ALL IS LOST *

[ SIGHS ]

* DOOMED AND TOSSED *

* AT WHAT COST FOREVER *

* METEORS FLY AROUND ME *

* COMETS DIE *

* AND THEN THEY, AND THEN THEY *

* YOU WANNA SEE
HOW THEY TRY TO SURROUND ME? *

* I CAN SAY *

[ Louder ] * HERE TODAY *

* WE SHALL STAY FOREVE-E-E-R *

* OWWW! *

[ INSTRUMENTAL BREAK ]

[ THUDDING ]

[ As Bryce ]
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

WHY THE PUMPKIN HEAD?

WELL...

I DON'T REALLY HAVE AN ANSWER
FOR YOU, BUT, UH...

HAVE YOU MET GIMME?

WHOOPS!

Marshall: AND EVERY NIGHT IN
OVERLAND PARK ENDS THE SAME --

LIGHT DYING ON THE HOUSES,

THE TREES, AND THE HOSPITAL
ON THE HILL.

AND DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE
AROUND HIM, MAX MAKES GOOD.

Max: SO, YEAH,
EVERYTHING TURNS OUT ALL RIGHT.

I MEAN, EVERYTHING'S GREAT,
YOU KNOW?

THERE'S SOME BUMPS
ALONG THE WAY, BUT WE MAKE IT.

AND THAT'S IT, REALLY.

YOU JUST KIND OF GO ON --
ONE DAY AND THEN ANOTHER DAY.

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

RIGHT?

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHING ]

WHERE'S TARA?

[ GROANS ]

SHE'S AT THE ZOO.

SHE'S WATCHING PORN.

SHE'S...STUCK
IN A PRINGLES CAN.

[ SIGHS ]

DO YOU WANT
TO FUCK THE PUMPKIN?

IT'S FUN.

HANG ON.
WHY THE RITUALIZED KILLING?

YOU KNOW THEY'RE PHONY.
WHY DO YOU DO IT?

I'M A GROWING BOY.

AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH ROOM
IN THE UPSTAIRS.

THE LITTLE GIRL, THE JEW,
THE PONCHO --

THREE DOWN,
THREE TO GO.

AND THEN?

AND THEN...

IT'S JUST ME AND HER.

AND THEN IT'S JUST ME.

AND YOU REALIZE...

THAT IF YOU KILL HER,
YOU KILL YOURSELF?

YOU'RE REALLY STARTING
TO PISS ME THE FUCK OFF.

I GOT TO TAKE A DUMP.

[ KNIFE THUDS ]
[ As Tara ] OH, GOD.
I CAN'T DO THIS.

I CAN'T DO THIS!
IT'S TOO MUCH! I CAN'T!

SHH. SHH. SHH. IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

OKAY.

[ Strained ]
THEY'RE ALL REALLY SCARED.
HE'S GONNA KILL THEM.

NO. BRYCE IS A BULLY.
WE FACE HIM DOWN.

HE'S THE EASIEST ONE
TO GET RID OF.

OKAY?
OKAY.

I THINK YOU NEED
ANOTHER LITTLE AMUSE-BOUCHE.

HANG ON.

Charmaine: WE'RE HERE!

WE BRING
YOUR FEMME POWER BACK!

Kate: AND WE'RE NOT BUYING
"I'M TIRED!"

OH, SHIT.

OH, SHIT. DON'T GO.
GET ME THROUGH THIS.

HONORABLE MENTION.

I HAD ONE CAMERA
AND SOME DOLLS, FINE,

BUT IT WAS BETTER THAN

"MY RETARD JANITOR
HAS WISE THINGS TO SAY."

AND JIM JARMUSCH --
WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

MAYBE HE HAD BETTER SHIT
TO DO TODAY.

WELL, THEN
HE SHOULD HAVE SAID SO.

I MEAN,
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN.

IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU THINK
OF OUR FAMILY, OF ME?

IT'S A MOVIE, DAD.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU SAY WHAT YOU MEAN.

"MAX IS A COWARD
FOR HANGING IN THERE."

"MAX IS
A FUCKING DIPSHIT

FOR LOVING HIS WIFE
AND RAISING HIS KIDS."

I'M GUESSING THAT'S WHY
YOU DIDN'T SHOW IT TO US.

NO, EVERYONE WAS SO CAUGHT UP
IN THEIR OWN SHIT --

MOM AND SCHOOL,
YOU AND OrgaLawn --

NO ONE EVEN FUCKING ASKED
TO SEE IT.

YOU CAN'T TAKE A BUNCH
OF FUCKING RANDOM MOMENTS

AND STICK THEM
IN A DOLL'S MOUTH

AND TELL THE WORLD
"THAT'S THE GUY."

IT AIN'T
THE FUCKING GUY!

I KNOW THAT!
IT'S A SHORT FILM!

I COULDN'T DO EVERYTHING!
I'M SORRY!

WELL, DON'T FUCKING
BACK DOWN NOW.

THAT'S YOUR FUCKING MOVIE.
OWN IT. BE A MAN.

OKAY,
WELL, WHICH IS IT?

IT'S BOTH!

[ HORN BLARES ]

HEY! WATCH IT!
FUCK YOU!

SCREW YOU!
CITY'S FULL
OF FUCKING ASSHOLES!

HEY!
GET OUT OF THE WAY!

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T
SEE YOUR MOVIE BACK HOME!

BUT I'M GLAD
YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T SEE IT,

OR IT WOULD HAVE
FUCKING KILLED HER.

JERK!
I DON'T THINK SO.

SHE'S TOUGH, AND SHE KNOWS
WHAT SHE PUTS US THROUGH.

DOESN'T PUT ME THROUGH ANYTHING.
I LOVE HER.

YOU KNOW,
YOU DON'T GET IT.

I KNOW YOU LOVE HER.
I LOVE HER, TOO.

BUT MOM IS CRAZY,

AND WE TREAT HER
LIKE SHE'S AN ECCENTRIC.

AND THERE'S A COST.
THAT'S THE MOVIE.

BY THE WAY,

THERE'S NO VIEW OF
A FUCKING HOSPITAL ON A HILL.

[ HORN BLARES ]
IT'S A METAPHOR!

[ CHARMAINE CHUCKLING ]

SO, ARE YOU GONNA TELL DAD
I CAN DRINK WINE NOW?

OR THAT
YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR

WITH YOUR PROFESSOR?

I AM NOT
HAVING AN AFFAIR.

AND WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT
IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER?

SHE'S A WOMAN
OF THE WORLD!

SHE LIVES IN THE SKY.
SHE SEES EVERYTHING.

ONE LAST TIME
FOR POSTERITY --

WE ARE WORKING
ON AN ACADEMIC PAPER TOGETHER.

THAT'S IT. END. DONE.

YOU THINK IT'S A PAPER.

HE THINKS
IT'S SOMETHING MORE.

[ SIGHS ]
I KNOW THAT LOOK.

NEIL GIVES ME
THAT LOOK.

DOES EVAN
GIVE YOU THAT LOOK?

HOW IS EVAN?

AND HIS SPASTIC
8-YEAR-OLD?

I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M READY.

DON'T CHANGE
THE SUBJECT!

OH, GOD. THERE IS
NO SUBJECT TO CHANGE!

HE'S HELPING ME.

SOMETHING VERY BIG
IS HAPPENING TO ME.

DAY-OLD STEW HOLDING UP WELL.
READY IN 10.

AND, REALLY, LADIES,

WOULD I CHOOSE LIVERPOOL
OVER KANSAS CITY?

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

AM I MISSING A JOKE?

IT'S, UH, BRIGHTON,
ACTUALLY.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

MMM.
FILL IT UP, HANDSOME.

HOW MUCH HAVE YOU HAD?

* HERE TODAY *

[ VOMITS ]

* WE SHALL STAY FOREVE-E-E-R *

TO THOSE
WHO ARE NOT WITH US --

NEIL, WHO IS LEARNING TO SELL
FARM EQUIPMENT IN HOUSTON.

HOW ABOUT NEIL?
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

MARSHALL, WHO IS FOLLOWING
HIS MOTHER'S ARTISTIC FOOTPRINTS

IN NEW YORK CITY,

AND MAX,
WHO IS RIDING HIS COATTAILS.

MY BOYS
IN THE BIG APPLE!

WHOO!
WE LOVE YOU!

AND EVAN --

WHERE'S EVAN?

OH.
HE'S IN ST. LOUIS.

...WHO IS PEDDLING WIND
TO THOSE WHO WANT BUDWEISER.

WE THANK OUR MEN
FOR THEIR ABSCESS -- AB--

ABSENCE...

[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, DRUNKIE,
DRUNKIE, DRUNKIE.

...SO THAT WE MAY INITIATE
MY LITTLE WHEELS

INTO OUR MENSTRUAL
SUNDAY COVEN.

WE DRINK OUR BLOOD.

WHAT AM I
DOING HERE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I AM A U.N. OBSERVER.
HOW NICE.

AND TO JACK HATTARAS,
MY MENTOR AND COLLABORATOR

ON THIS...
GREAT ENDEAVOR.

WHAT IS
SAID GREAT ENDEAVOR? SPILL.

MM. WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS
WITH MY SISTER?

PLEASE.
LET THE POOR MAN ALONE.

NO, I CAN TALK.
[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

YOUR SISTER HAS PRODUCED
AN EXTRAORDINARY DOCUMENT.

MM.

OOH.

[ COUGHS ]
EXCUSE M-- EXCUSE ME.

STEW A LITTLE SPICY FOR YOU,
ENGLAND?

THIS IS SO GOOD, MOM.

I LOVE THE CRAB.

CRAB?

NO. THERE'S NO CRAB IN THERE.
IT'S CHICKEN.

WELL,
THIS LOOKS LIKE CRAB.

NO, I DID NOT PUT CRAB
IN THERE.

[ COUGHS ]

[ Strained ] EXTRAORDINARILY
ALLERGIC TO CRAB.

I TOLD YOU THAT.

ARE YOU OKAY?

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

CALL AN AMBULANCE
RIGHT NOW!

[ COUGHS ]
DON'T DIE!

Kate: YES, HELLO.

[ As Bryce ]
BULLY, HUH?

[ GROANS ]

EASIEST TO GET RID OF?

I HEAR EVERYTHING.

I DON'T THINK I'D EVEN BE HERE
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU.

BUT DON'T ALL SONS DREAM
OF KILLING THEIR FATHER?

I DON'T KNOW HOW OLD HE IS!
HE'S GOT A BEARD!

[ WHEEZING ]

WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING?!

BUCK?

OUR ADDRESS IS
12725 OAK AVENUE.

[ SIGHS ] CHARMAINE,
I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE,

BUT I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF A EULOGY,

AND YOU'RE DENYING ME.

PLEASE HURRY.

OH, COME ON.

THINK WAY BACK.

[ WHEEZING ]

IT'S YOUR BIG BROTHER.

AND LET ME SAY...

YOU HAVE FILLED OUT
NICELY, SIS.

[ CHOKING ]

UNH.

I'M SORRY.

[ IMITATES WHEEZING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE OKAY.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE --

YOU WILL BE RECEIVING
AN "A"

IN YOUR ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY
COURSE,

WITH THE STIPULATION YOU DO NOT
RETURN TO THE CLASSROOM.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I DO.

THE PAPER YOU AND DR. HATTARAS
WERE WORKING ON

WILL NOT BE PURSUED.

AND HE WILL TAKE
A LEAVE OF ABSENCE

AT THE CONCLUSION
OF THE SEMESTER.

I'M SORRY.

THE DEPARTMENT
CONSIDERS THIS MATTER CLOSED.

OKAY.

THESE ARE THE NAMES
OF TWO DOCTORS

THAT I CAN CONFIDENTLY
REFER YOU TO.

ONE OF THEM RESIDES IN CHICAGO,
THE OTHER, BOSTON.

THAT MAY BE
A DISTANCE AWAY,

BUT THEY ARE THE LEADING EXPERTS
IN THE COUNTRY

WHO DEAL
WITH YOUR DISORDER.

THANK YOU.

THANKS.

FORGET THE ONE IN CHICAGO.
SHE'S SHIT.

THE ONE IN BOSTON.

HIM.

TARA?

JACK?

CONSIDER ME CONVERTED.

[ JON BLACK'S
"UP FROM THE GROUND" PLAYS ]

* UP FROM THE GROUND,
UP FROM THE COLD *

* I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE,
I KNOW HOW THIS GOES *

* I THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD,
I THOUGHT IT WAS RIGHT *

* BUT HOPE TURNS TO FEAR
WHEN THERE'S ABSENCE OF LIGHT *