United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 4 - Wheels - full transcript

Oh, shit.

[ Siren wailing ]

All right, good contractions.

You're doing good there, Tara.

I'm not Tara,
you fucking moron.

The one with the baby
poking out of her is Charmaine.

The one who ran the baby over
is sister Tara.

Ow.

Hi. I-I didn't actually
run her over.

Don't listen to her,
because she wasn't there,

because she wasn't she,
because she's fucking crazy!



I'm not crazy.

I'm sorry. What's the proper
medical term for "batshit insane"?

So, you two are sisters.
[ Laughing ] I don't know.

How you can be sisters with someone
who's got 42 people in her head

who keep trying
to ruin your life?

My wedding, okay?

[ Imitating chicken ]
"I so sleepy!"

Ow! Ow!

Disaster.

Full-on, feral spaz-out
at the...

Ow, ow, ow, ow!... Spa.

Awesome.

Oh, my new breasts?

[ Laughs ]



Creeptastic moment there.

But this... ow, ow...
this... ow...

This tops the charts.

And premature labor
induced via Volkswagen?!

I don't know how
you're gonna top that one, Tara.

Ow.

Look, I am sorry.
I didn't mean to...

I just wanted
a goddamn baby shower!

Listen, everything is
going to be fine.

One day, this'll be a wacky
story we tell our grandchildren.

No, I'm done laughing this off.

I am going to have my baby
in a normal fucking way,

with normal fucking people
around me.

Stay away from me. You are not fucking this up.
No, I hear what you're saying.

Aah!

Oh, God, be careful with her!
Charmaine, Charmaine!

Please keep her away from me.
She's fucking crazy, okay?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.

Keep her away from me.
She's fucking crazy.

Aaaaah! Aah!

It was pretty intense.

I mean, it's a lot going on...
Very hard to explain.

Sort of really intense.

Yeah, you said "intense."

This bursting forth
of... of... of realiza...

or, no, of this... this...
this sudden big bang

of consciousness,
like... like boom!

New universe of Kate.

Meg said
you freaked the fuck out.

[ Groans ]

Junin toiro,
which... which means

"different strokes
to move the world."

Is that yours?

[ Gasps ]

Ohhhh!

[ Sighs ]

Well, here's one.
Where's the other bag?

Japan?

Bursting into consciousness?

The possibilities
are varied and complex.

Well...Could you...
Figure it out?

It hurts my brain
when I give a shit.

[ Scoffs ]
Come on, Ray.

Can't you see
that I am in the middle

of some life-altering stuff
right now,

stuff that I have yet
to spring on my parents,

and it would be a really big,
major, super-helpful thing

if I had my shit together,
so to speak?

Please?

I would prefer not to.

Kachofugetsu.

"Flower, bird,
wind, moon."

What does that mean?

I don't know,
but it sounds pretty.

Hey, are you all right?

[ As Alice ]
Oh, I'm just peachy.

I'm quite fond of hospitals.
They're very clean.

Great. Great.
Fantastic...Alice.

I need Tara.

Oh. She's a tad overwhelmed
right now.

I need to talk to Tara.

Fortunately,
I'm practically a midwife,

ready to help Charmaine
through the miracle of birth.

Yeah, I hear T fucked up
the miracle of birth...

and the car, which is why
I want to talk to my wife.

We are about to witness

a beautiful
and life-changing event, Max.

Dad, um...
There's an angry cop outside

wants a word.

When you see Tara, tell her
I'm feeling "a tad overwhelmed."

[ Sighs ]

[ As Tara ] Hi.

Hi.

So...

How's grandma Sandy?

Oh, you know...
old, scared,

clinging to a life
that no longer exists.

How are you?

Just peachy.

Aaaah!

Doctor:
Okay, miss Craine.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Promise me
you'll let me name her.

What? No, no, no.
You'll pick something stupid.

Cassandra is a beautiful name!

It has the word "ass" in it.

Aaah!

Promise me, Neil.
You owe me.

Baby's head might be too big.

What?! See?!

This is all your fault, you and
that giant skull of yours!

Aaaah!

Let... let...
let me see.

Okay, what the hell
is going on down there?

It looks like Abe Lincoln
after he got shot in the face.

What?! I will get you
for this, Neil.

I will pound your balls
till they swell up like melons

and you have to carry them
around in a testicle bjorn.

Aaaah!

All right, mama,
we're gonna take you

down to the O.R.,
get this baby out.

E-everything's... relax.
Everything's fine.

We just got a real big
basketball, real small hoop.

W-what does that mean?
She's getting a C-section.

Aaaah!
A C-section?

Okay, okay.

Uh, hold tight, Mr. Lincoln!
Help is on the way!

Oh. Thank you.

Are we completely screwed up
as a family?

I mean...
Aside from our wacky cousins

that live inside your head.

Well, technically,
you're not related.

[ Chuckles ]

But...You, me,
dad, and Kate...

We're...

We're okay, right?

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know.
Soap ducks.

Ducks made of soap?

No...
soap made of ducks.

[ Chuckling ] Honey, I don't
know what you're talking about.

Do you think
dad would ever leave us?

What if he...
he got tired of the...

Us?

Oh, he's... [Scoffs]
He's not going anywhere. He's...

You know you were born
in this hospital?

Kate, too.

God, she was tough, but you...

You popped right out,
straight into my arms.

Were you...You
when you had us?

I mean, you weren't Buck
or... or Alice?

Oh, can you imagine?
God, Buck?

[ Chuckles ]

Seriously.

Was everything normal
when you had us?

Everything was fine, Moosh.

Everything is fine.

Quite an adventure you had
back there at field's market.

They have really good
sheet cake.

Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah.

You just crashed a couple cars

and stole a bunch of stuff
from the store.

I have a baby.

[ Gasps ]

A motherfucking baby!

It looks like crap...

disgusting, blood-dripping,
fucking raisin monster...

but it is a motherfucking baby,
and it's mine!

[ Laughter ]
Whoo!

[ Baby coos ]

[ Knock on door ]

Uh-huh.

See that?
I did that.

Bravo, guys.

Thank you, God,
for making me gay.

[ Sneezes ]

Oh, bless you.
Kah-choo!

Do you have a name?

We're kicking
some ideas around.

Cassandra.

Which is my favorite...
absolutely.

Hey, can Uncle Max
have a snuggle?

Yes, Uncle Max
can have a snuggle

after Uncle Max
washes his hands.

Same with you,
cousin what's-his-name.

And you're next, aunt Tara.

Yeah.

Oh.

I don't...really think
that's a good idea.

No, doctor said
it's okay, baby.

Tara: I could just...

I mean, everyone's right here.

I could just...
Hold her for a second.

I'm really not comfortable
with this right now.

[ Voice breaking ]
That was t. It wasn't me.

I don't want you in here
with the baby, Tara.

Okay, let's...
let's just go outside...

No, I...

Come on, babe.
No.

Noah: Who the hell
drinks schnapps?

Marshall and Lionel:
Neil.

I don't get babies.

Well, what's to get?
They're little people.

Midgets are little people.

Babies are
incontinent extensions

of the adult desire
to rewrite history.

I love how you can be
so pretentious

and so completely stupid
at the same time.

What?

Random people mash together,

and then they chunk out kids
instead of dealing with the fact

they should never have been
together in the first place.

You think they have any porn?

That's how you respond?

Well, we can't find any vodka,
so...yeah.

[ Gasps ]

Best threesomes
in movies. Go.

"Jules et Jim."

Mm-hmm.

See? That's what
I'm talking about.

It's an important film.

Don't know
what's more depressing...

French cinema

or that I'm chugging
80-proof mouthwash.

Fuck you, world.

[ Laughing ] Hey.

Niigata, you're still here.

Pilot still drunk?

No. I, uh...

I-I...Just couldn't.

Oh, dear.

In 12 hours, I'm supposed to
call my parents from Japan

to tell them
how awesome my new life is.

How bad is your old life?

Hey, do you think
that maybe I could fake it,

like I could pretend to be
in Japan for six months?

I faked having orgasms
for six years.

Then I stopped nurturing
a blind hatred for my life

and got divorced.

There's a lesson in there
somewhere.

The big "o" is life.

You can fake your way
through it,

but what's the fucking point?

She's a fucking genius.

♪ Don't walk away ♪

♪ angel of deception ♪

♪ how you live that way ♪

♪ how can I be sure? ♪

Now you kiss him.

Uh, I don't know.
This is my sister's room.

It's kind of weird.

Don't be such a fag, Smoosh.

She's in Japan.

Besides, it's only weird if you
actually want to fuck her.

Fine.
I'll be lucky Pierre.

All lips on me.

Wait. Um...

Can we shut off the lights?

Look who's bashful
all of a sudden.

[ As T ] What is
your fucking problem?!

[ As Tara ]
You ran over my sister.

So? She gets a rugrat,
you get a new car.

It's win-win.

She wouldn't even let me touch the baby.
How is that win-win?

Uh...I win twice.

We made a deal,

and that deal did not include
hijacking my body.

Hey, you work, we play.
That's the deal.

Oh, God, I just want
to go to college and graduate

and do one fucking thing
like a normal person.

Why is that
so im-fucking-possible?

Because you are weak.

Oh, fuck you!

[ Thud, book slides ]

What the hell was that?

I am not crazy.

I didn't say anything.

You're the one standing there
with a lawn-mowing ogre.

That's crazy.

This is
for the top of my truck.

"Orgalawn field managers
should promote

an organic and family image
within the community."

How's it going
with the...fancy book learning?

Fine.
Just a frustrating chapter.

You better slow down.

You're gonna wreck
something else.

[ Bell tolls in distance ]

I, uh...

[ Sighs ]

I can't take the test tomorrow.

Something has crapped!

How am I supposed to be
fucking zen

when a mysterious poo is sitting
in my garden of enlightenment?

Did you hear the part where
I said I can't take the test?

I'm sorry. Mysterious poo
is really freaking me out.

I-I really need to
slow down.

Things have been
a-a little crazy.

And that's why
I should give you an extension?

I fucked up my car.
I fucked up my sister.

I'm in the process
of fucking up my marriage.

So you can't take the test
because you're a fuck-up.

No.

I'm having problems
with my alters.

Ah, yes...
your convenient other parts.

Best excuse in the world
for fucking up.

I should try it sometime.

I'd love to give them to you.

Do you think our fecal friend
got in through this window?

[ Window creaks ]
'Cause...I can't get the bastard to close.

What I'm saying is,

I-I just really need
a few more days, if...

I don't think so.

[ Sighs ]

Can we please try it
my way first?

And what would be in it for me?

I...

Will clean out your shit box.

Tempting.

[ Sighs ] God.

If I take this test,
I'm going to fail.

I'm telling you.

At least you've got
an excellent excuse.

But I don't want to fail.

Then get your life organized.

Stop blaming things
that don't exist

and take care
of things that do.

[ Sighs ]

Anything else?

Hoody hoo! Hoo!

Neil:
Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.
What's happening, man?

Just gathering some essentials
for my beloved.

Ow, God! Fuck!

Binky between my toes.
[ Laughs ]

Motherfucker.

Hey, Tara wanted me
to bring you this body pillow.

Yes. Body pillow.
Awesome.

I will add this
to the awesome pile of crap

I got to take to the hospital.

How you holding up?

Oh, man, I'm exhausted.

Well, welcome to fatherhood.

Yeah. Am I ever
gonna sleep again?

Not for 18 years, brother.

Sleep just replaced sex
as my favorite thing.

Then you'd better pick a third,

'cause you're not gonna be
having much sex either, man.

God. Why didn't you tell me this
nine months ago?

God! Fuck!

What, ruin the surprise?

Binkies everywhere...
everywhere.

[ Cellphone rings ]
And my house smells like ass and semen.

Hey.

Ohayou gozaimasu, Katie.

How's Japan?

God damn, that was a fast trip.

Please don't.

[ Laughing ]

Are you okay, kiddo?

Well, I'm feeling kind of hurt
and hung over.

In a..."existential,
life has got me down"

[ vehicle alarm chirps ]
crisis kind of way?

In a "Tylenol PM,

slept on the floor
of an airport" kind of way.

And that crisis thing, too.

Come here.

You'll get used to it.

[ Smooches ]

[ Groans ]

Why can't I do anything right?

Oh...

'Cause it's a process,
Katie Kate.

You just got to
feel your way through it.

[ Truck door opens ]

How long do I have to do this?

Till you fart.

[ Groans ]
[ Laughs ]

I can't believe
there are people

who actually think
that God is a woman.

I know, right?

[ Laughing ] It's...

Oh, um, they have...

Some papers for us to sign.

They're not that important.
I could sign them myself for...

Cassandra "Wheels" Kowalski?

Yeah. "Cassandra" doesn't
sound right, does it?

"Wheels"?
In actual quotes?

I want her to be fast.

And Kowalski?

You know what?
You got first pick, all right?

That means I get next two.
Playground rules.

Everyone knows that.

We have a daughter now.

Mm-hmm.

Don't we?
We do.

[ Sighs ]

I love her so fucking much.

Me too.

Hey.

Let's just pretend
that I went to Japan

and learned
some valuable life lesson.

[ Music plays on headphones ]

Well, can we also pretend
that your new cousin

wasn't ushered into life
by my hood ornament?

[ Laughs ]

[ Groans ]
How does that even happen?

I mean, now there's
this little person.

Well, when a man
really likes a woman...

[ Gasps ]

Oh, no. Keep going.
I dare you.

[ Chuckles ]

Haven't we already had
this conversation?

Sort of.

Alice did
the "birds and the bees" thing,

which was very confusing.

Buck did the porn thing,
which was also very confusing.

T showed me
how to give a blowjob

to get out of having sex,
which was very helpful.

You share way too much.

But at least
you're not pregnant.

Hurray.
I'm not a total fuck-up.

In this room, you're not even
in the top five.

Mom, there was this woman
at the airport,

and she was so confident
and secure

and everything I'm not.

There is no reason in the world

why you can't be just as strong,
just as confident,

just as purposeful
as her or anyone else.

I know.
It's just, why aren't I?

Because you're an asshole.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Knock on door ]

Tara: Charm?

How you doing?

Good.

I saw Cassandra in the nursery.

She is...

Beautiful, Charm.

Thank you.

Yeah, and healthy and, um...

Everything's fine, right?

Tara, I don't...
[ Chuckles ]

I mean, everything's,
you know, okay,

after everything and all, so...

You know?

I don't think I can trust you
around my baby.

Oh, you can.

You absolutely can.

You turn into other people,
Tara.

I mean, you know, what if...

What if Buck suddenly decides
to throw her out the window?

Buck would never do that.
He's gonna love Wheels.

The name alone...

The truth is, you don't know
what they're gonna do.

You're not in control.

I am.

I am in control, mostly.

Sometimes.

Things are different now.

I'm responsible
for Cassandra’s life.

I'm her mom.
I have to be there for her.

I have to look out for her.

You are, and you will.
And I can...

No.

No, I can...
I can help.

No!

Okay, mama.
Time to turn on the spigots.

[ Cassandra fussing ]

I'd like you to go.

Yeah.

I...

Yeah, of course.

Just don't worry, because
everything's gonna be fine.

Everything's
gonna be just fine.

You always say that.

And nothing ever changes.

I got you, little Cassie.

Your mommy's got you.

Ahh!

Chicago, Boston, Frankfurt,
Madrid, and back.

I don't think you or this bag
were destined for Japan.

Ray, this bag feels empty.

Wrote a haiku about that.

"German bag checker.
Palpitation, fumbling hands.

Wears Kate's thong
at work."

Vivid imagery.
Congrats.

Lost-property form.

Fill it out, we'll get you
some new panties.

Ew.

Hey, I, uh, I looked up

that "flower, bird,
wind, moon" thing.

Means "experience
the beauties of nature,

and in doing so,
learn about yourself."

Hmm.

Woman on P.A.: Flight 346 for Houston
connecting to Paris and Rome

will be leaving from Gate 20.

[ Gasps ]

I would like a flight attendants
application, please.

I'm not the guy
to talk to for that.

Hey. I...
[ Sighs ]

I thought you said

we were gonna put down the books
for a while, honey.

Well, I asked for an extension.

The professor said no.

So...What?

So I tried to get an extension,

just like I tried
to talk to Charmaine,

and I don't know
what else to try,

so I'm gonna take the test
and try to pass.

Oh, that's...
Yeah, great.

That's, uh,
that makes perfect sense.

What?
What do you want?

School is, like, the one thing

that has made me happy
in a long, long time.

I mean, everyone's like,
"do this, do"...

Hey, what are you doing?!

[ Door slams ]

I'm simplifying your life.
That's what I'm doing.

Oh, fantastic.
Why didn't I think of that?

Because you got this idea

that going to school
is gonna change everything.

It is changing things.
It's changing me.

I feel like my life is...

What? Better?

Yeah.
I think it is.

Look at this.
Look at what I'm wearing.

You think I'm doing this
for me?

I have made sacrifices.
I'm...

What?

[ Chuckling ] "What?"

What have you ever done
that you didn't want to do?

I mean, what have you
ever given up, Tara,

except, uh, maybe the drugs
that were helping you?

Oh. You want me back
on the pills. That's it.

Just drooling in the corner,
like a vegetable.

Is that who you want?

No. That's...
I just want you to be safe.

I want you to do things
that make sense,

not that are...crazy!

You are not such
a fucking saint, are you?

Why don't you just...

Just leave, just...

Just walk away, like your dad?

Because I love you.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Ohh!

All of this stops right now...
right now.

No more selfishness,
no more hijacking,

no more excuses,
and no more passing the Buck.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, shut up.

From now on,
my life will be organized...

My life, my liberty,
my pursuit of happiness.

These things
will bend to my will.

I will be in control...
me, Tara.

End of story.

I am sick and tired
of all the craziness.

This is all your fault, with
the drugs and the black music.

Eat me, Stepford.

Buck had the big night out.
I wasn't even...

Hey, I was doin'
important stuff.

Just happened to be
at a casino.

I, for one, think it's about
time you asserted yourself.

Absolutely.
It's a wonderful...

Just shut the fuck up!

[ As Chicken ] Ooh!
Tara, you said the "F" word.

[ Sighs ]

Can we just drown her?
And the dog?

[ Growls ]
Ow! Fuck!

Good, gimme!
Fuck you!

[ Growls ]

I have spent far too long
babying you... all of you.

You act like spoiled brats,

and then you leave me
holding the bag.

So, we are going to draw up
a contract.

All of you will write down
what's important to you

and what you want out of life,

and then I, and I alone,
will decide how we go about it.

Don't sound like
no democracy to me.

[ Imitating Buck ]
Well, it ain't.

[ Normal voice ] I am dissolving
the United States of Tara

and declaring myself king.

And if'n y'all don't like it,
you can kiss my ass,

'cause I'll go back
on the drugs,

and you'll go back
in the closet.

Well, this sucks.

Fine.

[ Grunting ]

I need my boozin' time.

I need some TV time.

I swear,
no more ladies with us.

That's the important one.

[ Laughs ]

Ba-choo! Pop!

I hereby declare
my benevolent dictatorship

to be in full effect.

Long live the king!

♪ Meets me in a field of stone ♪

♪ she says, "I don't know
how I'm supposed to feel" ♪

♪ my body's cold,
my guts are twisted steel ♪

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm crazy.

♪ And I feel like
I'm some kind of Frankenstein ♪

I'm fucking crazy.

♪ Waiting for a shock
to bring me back to life ♪

♪ but I don't want to spend my time ♪

♪ waiting for lightning for strike ♪

♪ ooooh ♪