United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Full F**k You Finger - full transcript

Max gets his mother to sign off on selling the lawn care business. He hasn't seen her two years and is shocked by what he finds. Kate leaves on her trip to Japan but does so without saying goodbye to anyone, much to Tara's annoyance. Events in Japan conspire against her even getting out of the airport however. Tara is planning a baby shower but Charmaine doesn't think she's helping so Alice emerges and neatly organizes everything. When Tara and Charmaine go grocery shopping T emerges causing her usual havoc.

Sync by honeybunny

Resynced for CTU 720p Release
by Cookie Monsta

Yes, mom.


Mom, it'll take a minute.

I'll knock on the door,
you'll open the door,

sign three copies of a contract,

we'll say something nice
to each other,

and then in a week,
you'll get a check,

and our lawn-care business
will be history.

No, that does not mean
that I'm bringing Tara.

I promise.

Love you, too, Sandy.

Okay, Tara sends her love.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm hanging up now.

No, mom, you hang up first.

[ Scoffs ]

Okay. Bye.

[ Telephone beeps ]

Oh, sweet holy fuck.

It's been two years
since I've talked to that woman,

and in 10 minutes, she turns me
into a fucking lunatic.

She's an artist that way.

[ Sighing ] Oh, God.

Please tell me
you're looking at porn.

Well, if porn
is a disastrous baby shower,


Big-time porn.

What do you mean?
Nobody's gonna come?

Well, you'll be there.
I'll be there.

If you can get your mom
out of her cave,

that makes...six.

That ain't happenin'.

Aren't you supposed to be
studying right now?

I'm doing both.

I'm being a scholar
and a good sister.

And a mom whose daughter is
abandoning her in the morning.

[ Inhales sharply ]

I'm having trouble with that.

Yeah, some big changes
on Oak Avenue.

Come on.

The flighty 19-year-old
in Japan.

We are either terrible parents
or...visionary parents.

I don't know.

Mm, little of both.

And sleep.

[ Groans ]

[ Alarm beeping ]

[ Beeping stops ]

Kate: "Dear parentals, sibling,
and preggie aunt.

"I know we all agreed
on a kiss and cry this morning,

"but I couldn't do it.

"I wouldn't have made it
out the door,

"and I wouldn't have been able
to say what I wanted to say,

"which is...This, that,
and the other thing.

"First, the this...

"Thank you for putting up
with my shameful ass

"this past year.

"I sucked and you ruled,

"and your patience
has been super-appreciated.

"Second, the that...

"I love you.

"I don't say that
nearly as much as I want to

"or as much as you, you, you,
and you deserve to hear it.

"You are the best people
in Kansas

"and, I suspect, the whole world,

"but I'll make my final report
after I've seen more of it.

"Last, the other thing...

"A word to my soon-to-be niece.

"I am sorry I won't be there

"to see you
tear open your mom's junk,

"but I promise to be back
before you can walk.

"In the meantime,
tell Marshall to dump Lionel,

"your mom to say yes
the next time your dad asks,

"and your uncle and aunt
not to worry about me.

"I'm finally using my powers
for good!

"Osaka kara skibaru shigeru yol!

"Roughly translated...
I will e-mail you from Osaka.

Your daughter, sister, niece,
and favorite cousin, Kate."

[ Sighs ]
Well, that's bullshit!

You didn't see her go?

I found it on the kitchen table,
next to her house key.

The girl wanted out.

What a selfish little...

Don't say it, mom.

Thank you.

I think the letter's sincere.

Well, it doesn't matter
if it's sincere.

I'm her mother.
I get a goodbye.

Well, she's taking a big risk,

and... and...
and she needs our support,

in absentia or otherwise.

We should say something kind...

All of us.

[ Clears throat ]

I'll go first.

Sis, I am completely, utterly,
totally impressed.

It's gonna be amazing.

Thank you for doing the dishes
last night.

Good luck.


It means "kick some ass"
in Japanese.

[ Laughing ]


Come back soon.

Don't fall in love.

[ Voice breaking ]
And I love...

See? See?
This is fucked up.

She wants tears, she can...

Take this from me.

Woman on P.A.:
This is a smoke-free facility.

Solicitations inside the terminal
building are prohibited.

Where are you headed?

Business in Chicago...
By way of St. Louis.

St. Louis?
Me too.

Same flight...
St. Louis to San Francisco,

San Francisco to Osaka...
Osaka, Japan.


You know, Osaka is
a lot like Chicago.

It's a real economic juggernaut.

2 1/2 million people live there,

and in the morning, another
million commute there for work.

It melts the mind, don't it?

I'm going there to teach English.

That's something.


I know that you don't know me,

but if you would have met me
even a month ago,

you wouldn't believe it.

I was an f-u-c-k-i-n-g wreck!

Pardon my Japanese.

But now look at me.

Kansas City to Kansai
International Airport.

That's the name of it...
Kansai. Right?


This little man-made island
with terminals and some runways

surrounded by water,

and Kansas City
surrounded by land.

And... and me,
launched in between the two,

like a little nerf football.

It's...fated, magical,
isn't it?

You said Osaka, right?


Reporter: We have been able to
receive footage from security...

Woman on P.A.: Skykans flight
484 for St. Louis, Missouri,

now boarding royale class

and members of our elite
Kloudklimbers Klub.


Vanilla bean, pumpkin,

pumpkin spice, chocolate.

Chocolate banana,
chocolate churro.

There's a little churro inside.

How cute is that!

Uh-huh. [ Laughs ]

I can do the same thing
with a red-velvet cake

with a little peppermint
in the center,

kind of like a little fetus
in a womb...

you know,
it being a shower and all.

That would be fantastic!

What do you think?

You know, I think I have
a class in half an hour.

I'm sorry.

How many people at your party?

Around 30.
Less than 10.

No, "no responses" are not nos.
It doesn't matter.

Just get whatever you want.
Can we just move it along?

You heard the put-upon sister.
Add it up, Mike.

It's "Michelle."

I'm finishing my degree,
big exams next week,

and I am feeling the pressure
to ace them all.

Neil's in Missouri
looking for work.

The shower is on Sunday.
You promised.

"Oh, my God.
I fucked up your wedding.

Let me make it up to you"...
That's what she said.

It's been Michelle
for over a year.

I know the shower's on Sunday.
I'm here. I am helping, okay?

Am I not helping, Michelle?

Thank you.
Thank you.

Yeah, if your idea of helping
is sighing at the florist,

grunting at the party store,

rolling your eyes every time
Mike... Michelle...

[ sighs ]

Every time Michelle here
does his... her...

I'm sorry.
You need to change the box.

I know.

...To show me my dessert options,
yeah, I mean, if your idea of help

is sending out a group e-mail
to a guest list that I provided

and then following that up
with a morning

[ distorted ] of passive-aggressive
companionship, well, then, yes.

[ Normal voice ]
You're helper of the year, Tara.

[ As Alice ] Cupcakes are
a nifty little snack.

But that's all they really are,
aren't they... snacks?

Tell me, what do you have
in the way of layer cakes?


[ Doorbell rings ]

Sandy: Coming. Coming.
I'm coming.

Is that
my Maxi-million?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Well, look at that.
Look at you.

Look who went
and got even taller.

Same height, ma.
How you doing?

Oh, fine. Fine.

Those the papers you want me to sign?

Okay, so, can you go put them
through the mail slot here?

Down here.

[ Gruff voice ]
Hello, belt. Hello, pants.

I love getting mail.
Feed me! Feed me.

[ Giggles ]

[ Normal voice ]
I do that to the mailman.

He gets a kick out of it.
Some kind of Arab fellow.

Oh, I like this pen.

I could use the bathroom, ma.

I think I have
the same kind of pen.

I get my pens at target.

Ma, come on.
Give me a hug.

Not so many Arabs at the target.

I-I'm not sure why
they're all at the post office.

Oh. You were not that tall
last time.

Maybe you're shrinking.

Bones on bones?

Bones on bones.

[ Chuckles ]

How we doing with the house, ma?

Here... here you go.

Okay, I just got to use
the restroom.

There's a good one by the sunoco.

You didn't say you would need the
bathroom when you called the other day.

Oh, ma.


Same pen.

[ Pen clicking ]

A handwritten invitation
on proper stationery

with a pre-stamped RSVP,

licked by the lips
and sent off in the mail.

That's how
it should have been handled.

An e-mail invitation?

I wouldn't send that to a dog.

I told her it was fine.

But you didn't think It was fine.

Well, no, but, you know,
she's got all her school stuff,

and I know that's making her
happy, and...

School happens five days a week.

A baby shower comes along
but once in a very blue moon.

As I see it,
priorities are at 6s and 7s.

I'd rather have Tara.

No offense, I'm sure.

And none taken.
[ Scoffs ]

Tara is the sister, I know...

Even though she's not
acting like one at the moment.

Well, Kate leaving probably has
something to do with it, too.

Oh, you raise them
as best you can,

and then they toss you aside,
like last season's handbag.

Poor Tara.
Her heart is in pieces.

Well, it's probably good
she took a few hours off, then.

That's what we think.


All of us on the inside.
We have an arrangement.

It's like that new film

with Jack Lemmon
and Shirley MacLaine.

We each take the key
when we need the apartment.

I get the body
when the mother needs help.

You're my helper?

If you'll have me.

Ooh, she's kicking.

You want to feel?


Now, now.

I need to get back to these bags.

She doesn't want to kick for me.

Wait for it.
Wait for it.


[ As Tara ]
Ohh. What time is it?


I'm missing my class,

and I'm gonna be late
for my study group.

Charmaine, I can't believe this.
You knew I had a class.

Don't you dare!

Shit! Shit! Shit!




It's an act of God.
I get that.

We have tornadoes here, too.
They're no fun, either.

Yeah, well, I figured that
the flight would be delayed,

but how long
until the school can...

A month?
No! I can't wait a month!

No! No, no, no!

Universe conspiring against her?


Hey, 200 people died.
This may not be about Kate.

Do you have any cities

that you need
English-speaking teachers?


Maybe Kate brings death and
destruction wherever she walks.

Any cities
that we haven't a-bombed?

Hey, your mom uses
the half-finger flip.

She uses full.


No, I'm full.

Yeah, me too.
Feels better.

[ Sighs ]


Hey, babe, how come you use
the half-finger flip?


Oh, my God.



Kate killed them.

[ Kate whimpers ]

How was school?

[ Sighs ]

There were 20 people
in my study group.

They all wanted to be there to
see the freak-lady transition.

Did you?

Buck wanted out,
but I knocked him back.

How was it with Sandy?

She signed.
Sold the company.

Marsh and I are gonna
go over there tomorrow.

[ Yawning ]
Has it gotten worse?

My mother is buried in garbage.

Niigata? Great.

Yes. You're sending it over
right now?

You guys are the greatest!


[ Telephone beeps ]
Oh! Yes!

Flying out tomorrow.

Hi, mom.

"Hi, mom"?

I'm sorry that I snuck out.

I'm a coward.
I'm sorry.

Hey, maybe you ought to
wait the month.

No! It's go or die, dad.
Go or die.

Hey, where is Niigata?

I don't care.
Somewhere in Japan.

Oh, so you're
going to kill again?

That's full-finger "fuck you."
Yours is wimpy.

Hey, this is "fuck you."
That was just a finger.

Where are you going?

To bed. To sleep.

Perhaps to dream.

Good night, men.

Daughter, you sneak away from me
a second time...

I won't. I love you.

[ Wearily ]
I have earned my bed.

I have earned my pajamas.

Oh, pajamas are too far away.

Fuck you, pajamas.

Back of head, your best friend...

The pillow.

[ As Buck ]
Try and hold me down, woman?

I think not!

[ Sniffs ]

[ Pounding on door ]

Bryce Craine!
I know you're in there!

Open up!

Bryce Craine,
son of Frank Craine,

born December...

Who the hell are you?!

Oh, fuck it.

I'm gonna miss you.

Oh! Pay up, people.

Who bet against me?

Oh, everybody.

I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

Buck won big at the reservation.

Here. I mean, I don't know if you
can use these in Japan, but...

Okay, do you have your passport?


We have an address,
phone number for you?


Yes. I went over everything
with dad.

It's been checked,

Mom, it's okay.

Just make sure
you come back soon.

Oh, I love you so much.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

I cried the first time.
I'm too tired.

And you smell like a mop factory.

Fair enough.

Ohhh. All right, family.
[ Laughs ]

Here I go.

Niigata kara mehru shigeru yol.

[ Laughs ]


A note from Buck
would have been nice.

Well, that's not
really Buck's style, is it?

Not a satisfying answer.

Honey, I got carjack...

I got jacked.

Off to Sandy's.

Get some sleep, mom.

Don't even think about it.

I have a test Tuesday.

I have a shower tomorrow.
You promised.

Drop the cards.

Coffee's in the kitchen.

Let's go. Let's go.

Come on.

[ Max sighs ]

[ Clatter ]

Sandy: Maxie.

Maxie. You said you were
only taking your things.

I'm just making space, ma.
That's all I'm doing.

What's Beaverlamp?

Your father's
rock-'n'-roll band.

Would you keep packing?

[ Animal yowls ]

What is that?

That's Nancy Grace, my new cat.

That means he's ready
for his medication.

Glandular problem.

Nancy Grace is a he?

I named him
before I saw he had a penis.


Don't throw those out.
Your father loves those ducks.

No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.

He's not here.

He's not here now.

Guess what...
He ain't coming back.

Let go of that duck!

You said
you were taking your stuff!

This is not your stuff!

[ Sighs ]

Marsh, would you j...

I got it.


[ Sighs ]

You are going to die in Kansas.

[ Laughs ] Delayed?

If it isn't an earthquake,

then it's a problem
with the landing wheel.

Flying Skykans?

Just to Chicago.

Oh, God.
You're beautiful.

"Problems with a landing wheel"

is Skykans code
for "Our pilot's drunk."

And thank you.

What's beyond Chicago?


Oh. Teaching English?

How did you know?

"Get me out of Kansas
and my bear dress

"before I immolate,
see the world,

"find my someplace perfect,

and never move
from that spot."

I was you once.

Did you find
your someplace perfect?

Still looking.

Around the world three times,

and they pay me to ponder it,

be it beach, balcony, or bedroom.

[ Sighs ]

What city in Japan?

[ Sighs ] Niigata.

Oh, dear.

What do you mean, "Oh, dear"?

I'm sure it's different now.

What? What is that
supposed to mean, different?

What's in Niigata?

Oh, hopefully,
a swift life lesson

and a bullet train back to Tokyo.

♪ Come over here, baby,
and talk to me ♪

♪ sit yourself down on... ♪

You really like Christmas, huh?

Makes me happier
than anything in creation.

People are nicer.
Lights are brighter.


Who doesn't like Christmas?

Jews, maybe?

Well, they don't count.

And there are more of us
than there are of them,

if you know what I mean.

I think I do.

♪ ...You're the sweetest
thing... ♪

[ Laughing ]
Isn't it wonderful?

How can they make a tree do that?

I don't know.

Batteries, power of Christ.

What was that?

I'm...sorry that we don't come

and visit you more,
grandma Sandy.

Your dad
doesn't like coming here,

and I don't like to leave.

And I need to be near my things.

And I think he's angry

that I didn't come
to his wedding.

He thinks I'm crazy.

No, he doesn't.

Mm, yes, he does.

And he's right.

[ Nancy Grace yowls ]

I know it.

Your dad is just like
your grandfather.

Best thing he did
was get away from me.

Hurt my bones so much

when he found himself more of it.

Gregson boys just have to
have them some crazy.

That's my mom, you know.

Well, we don't get to choose
our parents.

[ Chuckles ]

You have such soft hands
for a boy.

You're a gay, aren't you?

I am.

How is that?

It's like...

Christmas every day.

[ Chuckles lightly ]

[ Song ends ]

We invited 53 people,
and 6 are coming.


No, not counting family,
there's 6.

6 out of 53.

And how many of them
bothered to say no?

[ Sighs ] I don't know.
You do know... 5.

That leaves 42 "friends"

who could not be bothered
to respond.

I mean, my math skills
are awesome,

and I have
no-response friends.

Oh, look...
it's a supermarket.

I mean, if you don't want
to come to my shower, fine.

Have the courage to announce it.

Let's get in, and we'll get out.

You expend the energy it takes
to open an e-mail,

move the cursor to the "no" box,
click, and send.

That's all I'm asking.

Yeah, keep on kicking, kid.

Your predetermined life
of misery and disappointment

is three weeks away.

Mommy's friendless.
Daddy's a jobless fatty.

You'll be fat
with no friends, too.

[ Yawns ]

Stop yawning.

Are you gonna save anything?


Is it okay
if I keep some cassettes?

And tapes?
Is that okay?


Are you gonna tell me
about Beaverlamp?

Average beer band.

Weird name.

1989 runner-up,
battle of the bands.

Yeah, we lost
to a rush cover band.

That ought to tell you everything
you need to know about Beaverlamp.

I found this
in the Christmas room.

It doesn't have
a name on it, so...

[ Scoffs ]

It's for my dad.

No idea why she thought
he liked these things.

Twice a year,
on Christmas and his birthday,

I'd watch his eyes glaze over,

get that goddamn fake smile on,

and say, "Thanks, hon.
Just what I wanted."

Bet you all the money I have,
the day he left,

he took one look at that box,
knew what was inside,

and said, "Fuck this,"
and took off.

You ever think about taking off?

[ Clatter ]

Kate: I told them that
I graduated early with honors,

but I took the G.E.D.

I said that I got a 710
on the S.A.T. verbal.

I I got a 510.
Application's a snow job.

I'm a cake-sitter,
not an English teacher.

What kind of company
doesn't do a background check?

I'm probably gonna end up with
a bunch of American liars...

people who are trying
to escape their past...

frauds, embezzlers,
mafia hit men.

I'm gonna end up chopped up
and stuffed in a mattress,

and that mattress is
gonna end up in an opium den

where businessmen
and Mongolian prostitutes

are going to have sex
on top of me.

Why did she say "Oh, dear"?

Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh! That's my ass. Okay.

Excuse m p pardon me.
Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry.

[ Gasps ]

Ma'am, is something wrong?

Yes. That plane
is going to Japan.

it's going to St. Louis.

Yeah, my bad.

I mean...

I don't know why
I'm bringing her into the world.

I will fail her.

I will ruin her.

Oh, Charmaine.

And she'll run off to Japan
with Kate,

and we'll rot away in a retirement home

waiting for a nurse to mercy-kill us.

I mean, stay inside...

Go back to being
a sperm and an egg,

because life and people
and everything in between

just suck, suck, suck,
suck, suck, suck, suck!

Okay, this has been
a long day... a long weekend,

but this is the last stop.

I just want...

There are 11 people
coming to your shower.

I know.

11 people who love you dearly.

One of them is Neil.

In my gut,
he comes home with a job,

and he is gonna be
a great and loving father.

Just as you, my beautiful
heart-first sister,

is gonna be
a great and loving mom.

And if one day
she joins Kate in Japan,

you will be proud.

And we will clasp our shriveled
hands and die happy,

knowing we brought
fearless women into the world.

But right now...

You are going
to the produce section.

You are going to place
these items in your cart

and meet me at the checkout,

where we will pray
my credit will be accepted.

And when God, in her great glory,

answers our
discover card prayers...

[ Chuckles ]

...We will go back home,
go to sleep,

and wake up to another in a long
line of great goddamn days.

Are you with me?

I love you.


[ Sighs ] Okay.

I can do that.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Muzak plays ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sniffs ]

[ Belches ]

[ Tara laughs ]

[ Clatter ]

[ Laughs ]


[ As T ]
Cleanup in aisle 8, tubby!



No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!


You will not do this!


[ Engine revs ]



It's T! Fuck!

And all eight months of you
is in my way, so step aside.

Thank you so much.

[ Horn honks ]

Look, I know
I pushed you to this.

All right, it's my fault.

I've been a raging
hormonal victim bitch all day.

Yeah, sounds about right.

But I need you, T,
to tell Tara to come back.

[ Engine revs ] It's okay.


Hey, hey, hey!
It's fat Albert!

Why don't you just call a cab?

You will not do this!

You will not do this to me again!

You will come back!

You will beam up,
you will tesseract,

or whatever it is
the fuck you do,

but you will not do this
to me again.

[ Engine revs ]

Use a condom next time, bitch!



What the fuck?

[ Engine revs ]


Oh, shit.

Sync by honeybunny

Resynced for CTU 720p Release
by Cookie Monsta