United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 2 - Crackerjack - full transcript

Previously on
"United States of Tara"...

I know how badly
you want to finish school.

I'm just a few credits short.
I don't know what you're concerned about.

The real reason Tara dropped out
of school last time around...

she tried to kill herself.

First assignment
is due on Wednesday.

Thank you very much.
Good day.

Charmaine...
Will you marry me?

No.

Urban duchess
isn't just a company

about making tiaras, Kate.



I think
I need to get a real job.

We're filmmakers, Marshall.
We need this camera.

Ow! Fuck!

They're Braxton Hicks...
pre-labor contractions.

I'm moving in.
All right, you can have the couch.

Don't you worry.
We're here now.

I got your back, missy.

I want to do this by myself.

You can't.

You type.
I'll pontificate.

Kate: Moosh,
what are you doing?

Marshall: Making a video
so when mom graduates,

she can remember her first day.

And so she began,



climbing the staircase
of academia.

Tara Gregson trembles

at the learned gates
of Kansas state overlan...

hey!
Starring Kate Gregson as Kate

and Billy crystal
as the edgy drifter

with a heart of gold
and a pocketful of secrets.

Do you think
the camera can't see

how much
you hate yourself inside?

Ugh.

Hey, baby, your mom's
running kind of late,

so, uh, she's a little nuts.

Make her a cup of coffee,
would you?

Yeah, sure, but I have some heavy
shit that I need to lay on you...

book bag! Book bag!

Front door.
I can't find my book bag!

Honey, front door,
where you put it last night.

[ Dialing ]

Marshall: Any thoughts
on this momentous day?

What? Are you...
no. I don't know.

I got to go
to the bathroom again.

Okay, I just want to say
a few words.

It takes a lot of guts
to figure out

what you want in life
and go for it.

Hey, I'm running late.

I'm really proud of you,
baby, so...

Wrap it up.

Let's have a big hand for
overland park's hottest co-ed!

[ Cellphone rings ] Whoo! Huh?
Come on. Give me a kiss.

Let me, uh...

Hey, Phil, what's all this shit
with the paladino property?

Hey, mama. So...I've been thinking
a lot about my stuff lately,

and I have a pretty good picture
of what it is I want.

Hey, honey, seriously,
sweetheart...

I really want to hear this.
I do. But, um...

You look really cute.

I look like a goon.
Do I look like a goon?

No. You look fine.
I'm gonna go change.

Can you just pop these
in there?

Yes.

Tara, it's 10 after 8:00.
Marshall: Hey, Ted.

Marshall,
I'm not a morning person.

Can we please not?

I was gonna...
do I look okay?

The fact
that you showered at all

gives you unparalleled distinction.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm not fucking around.
Get the camera out of my face.

Okay.
Can't be late for school.

If I'm making a huge mistake,
somebody has to tell me now.

Anybody? Anybody? Anybody?
No?

Marshall: No.
Okay, here we go!

Whaa!

Aaah!
[ Laughs ] Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye!

Okay. 4:00. Bye.

[ Cellphone beeps, door closes ]

[ Clears throat ]

Charmaine: Neil.

Neil!

Neil!!

[ Gasps ]

[ Panting ]

I'm hungry.

I'm glad you're here.

Yeah, I'm glad I'm here, too.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Let me ask you a dumb question.

Why didn't this...
Work out between us?

You know, you and me?

Neil, let's not...

Look, let... look...
we obviously have chemistry,

or we wouldn't be sharing
sweatpants.

[ Inhales deeply ]

So, I mean, what is it?

I mean, it...
am I just...

Am I not "the guy"?

You're not "the guy."

You're better
than "the guy."

[ Chuckles lightly ]

Later, I've got art history
in Granger hall.

Then I have to get
all the way across campus

for media and culture,
but first, I've got ab. Psych,

which I'm a little
freaked out about,

'cause I got a weird vibe
from that Dr. hattaras.

Take it from me...
if he was anybody worth fearing,

he wouldn't be teaching here.

Look out!

Whoa!
Oh!

Working here is like
getting invited to a big buffet

and being told I can do
anything I want with the food,

as long as I don't
put it in my mouth.

Mm-mm-mmm.

Mmm.

I guess I should
get to hattaras' class.

Do you want to walk me?

[ Chuckling ] Tara,
you're gonna be fine.

Good luck.

[ Tires screech ]

Jesus Christ!

Use your fucking head,
you stupid hag!

[ Scoffs ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Door closes ]

[ As shoshana ] All right.

Let's settle in and start
with the discourse, people.

I'm Dr. shoshana schoenbaum.

Your beloved Dr. hattaras is
tending to a client in crisis,

so I have the honor.

And you have the privilege.

Trust me...
you will be stimulated.

Okay.

You'd be good at it.
Hey, what's the deal, Larry?

Huh? You want to take all my clients?
Max...

You'll take everything I got?
Settle down. Settle down.

I busted my ass to build up my base.
Listen, just let me talk.

Some of these clients... 10, 15 years.
Listen to me.

Let's... let's...
for Christ's sake.

Now you want to steal my shit?

Let's talk about this
in my office!

Fucking shitbird, Larry.

In my office.

It's this fucking economy, pal.

[ Sighs ]

Nobody's safe.
Everybody's hurting.

All right.

We've known each other
a long time, Max.

We got a lot of friends
in common.

I'm gonna be real honest
with you, buddy.

We're not poaching anybody.

Your clients are coming to us.

Bullshit.

Yeah?
Who you want to call? Hmm?

Van vereen?
Mike paladino?

Look, they don't have a beef
with what you do.

Let's face it...
we're bigger. We're cheaper.

Give me a goddamn drink.

All right.

Look, I'm sorry.
I...

no, no, no, no.
Don't apologize.

I like your fight.

Wish my guys had your balls.

Look, I got to piss
like a mule,

so I'm gonna
cut to the quick here.

Come work with orgalawn.

Sell me your business.

I'll put some coin in your bank,
make you a field manager...

up your pay,
good benefits, steady work.

Think about it, Max.

So there's the paradox, yeah?

If we enforce normality,
we promote conventionality.

If we denigrate abnormality,
we repress creativity.

And so we find ourselves
collectively eschewing

that which
differentiates ourselves.

Ourselves, yeah?

Go on.

[ Students murmuring ]

I think one of us
should take a seat.

[ Murmuring continues ]

Hang on! Wait!

You were gonna teach us all

how to collectively
eschew ourselves.

All right,
let's focus up here, okay?

[ Indistinct conversations ]
Everybody, listen up.

Hey, get everyone's attention,
please.

[ Conversations continue ] Hey, kids, hey.
Eyes up here.

Hey, kids!!

[ Silence ]

[ Sighs, scoffs ]

Look, I'm gonna start,
so listen or don't.

Okay?

Now, your first assignment...

you all are going to create
a short film.

I'm going to split you up
randomly into groups of four.

This isn't random.

He put all the gay kids in class
in one group.

I'm not gay.

Kern is such an asshole.

He must think
this is somehow progressive.

Maybe it just worked out
this way.

Come on, Noah.

He's not seeing us as people.

He's just seeing us
as three homosexuals.

Yeah.
And a kid in a halo brace.

Thank you.

I'm not in this class
to make gay movies.

I just want to make
good movies.

Hey.
[ Chuckles ]

I am, uh, expecting something
extra-special from this group...

something deeper,
more emotional,

maybe a little, uh,
razzmatazz, eh?

And pathos.

Are we sure this is okay
for you and the baby?

Yeah, the doctor said
it was totally fine.

She told me I should just keep
doing whatever I normally do.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Oh, God.
[ Grunts ]

No, don't leave me.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I tried to go
deeper into the pose.

I nearly shit out my own heart.

I can't stop.
I got to do something.

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm so fat...And gross.

[ Crying ]
I haven't showered in days.

Oh, come here.
Come here.

No, no.

No. You are not fat
and gross.

I am!

You are sexy and curvy. No.

And your ass looks like
it should be airbrushed

onto the side of a van.

That's how hot you look,
all right?

And, hey, you know,
if you're fat and gross,

what does that make me?

[ Discordant piano notes
playing ]

Neil: Like this?

Charmaine: Yeah.
[ Notes continue, both panting ]

I don't want to...
shh.

Oh, my God!
My eyes!

Shit! I thought you said
she was gone!

She's supposed to be gone!

Why aren't you gone?!

I can't stop seeing it!

I want to chop off my own head!

[ Discordant notes play ]
[ Groans ]

Yech!

If you could have seen
everyone's faces.

Oh, I have seen those faces.

[ Sighs ]

What do you think I should do?

What do you want to do?

I want to Polish off this wine

and fall asleep
in the washing machine.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Sighs ]

But what I'm gonna do
is strap one on

and go tell hattaras the truth.

And whatever happens happens.

And that's what you should do
with Neil.

You have got to tell him, Max.

If I can do it, you can do it.

Well, the difference is,

you just need
to brownnose a teacher,

and...
[ Sighs ]

I got to tell my best friend
he's out of a job.

My granddad
started that company.

How am I gonna get my mom
to sign off on that?

You haven't told her yet?

No. I haven't been out to
see her in... fuck, two years.

It's been good
for our relationship.

[ Both laugh ]

This can't wait.

[ Door closes ]

Words have not
been invented yet

to accurately describe
the horror that I just saw.

What happened?

Don't. Don't.

Let's just do us all a favor
and forget I said anything.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Now...We all know that
I've been trying to figure out

what it is that I want to do
with my life.

So...You're not gonna be
an appellate court judge?

Mom, please.

[ Chuckles ]

This company is called
"teach abroad."

And they send
English-speaking people like me

all over the world
to teach our language.

Right now, they are
hiring tutors for osaka, Japan.

So they'll find me
a place to sleep,

give me three squares a day.

All I got to do
is get myself there.

I don't think so, honey.

What?
Well, I'm sorry, Kate.

This just seems like one of those
ideas that's really cool today

and you won't even remember
by Saturday.

You have no idea
what you're talking about.

I-I'm gonna be making good money
helping people,

learning about
other cultures...

hey, just dial it down
a little bit.

She's completely
narrow-minded!

You guys would be happier

if I was staying
in fucking Kansas,

gluing fucking sequins
to fucking headbands?

That's what you want
for my life?

When Kevin thorpe
got into the peace corps,

you couldn't stop raving about what an
amazing experience it was gonna be for him.

What exactly is it
that you're wanting here?

Well, I've saved up some money
for the plane,

but I'm short 800 bucks.

I'll pay you back.

I don't think so, Kate.
I'm sorry.

I just think
this is the type of decision

you need to
take some time with.

U-unreal.

I guess I just thought
after putting up

with all this craziness
for so many years

that you would have wanted me

to do something meaningful
with my life.

[ Door slams ]

[ Sighs ]

Ah, Ms. Gregson.

Quite a tour de force
yesterday.

I was dragged
kicking and screaming into rehab

for behavior less strange.

I have d.I.D.

Or m.P.D. Or whatever
you want to call it.

I didn't tell you
because I fooled myself

into believing
it wouldn't be a problem.

Well, it was.

Four of my students dropped out
of my class yesterday.

Another two asked to be
transferred to Dr. schoenbaum's.

I should have
mentioned it sooner.

No.
No, I like surprises.

It was fun.

When were you diagnosed?

Well, it's been
a lifelong struggle,

but, um, I wasn't
diagnosed until...

well, that's why I dropped out
of college the first time.

But I've been working on it.

And, yeah, sometimes
stuff like this happens.

But mostly, I live
a very functional life.

Yes, everything's
just crackerjack, isn't it?

You owe me.

A paper?

[ Sighing ] Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Tara.

All right.

Isn't it weird how there's
three gay kids in film class

and only, like, 11
in the entire school?

That we know of.

Still, compared to
the straight kids,

that's practically nothing.

Here's a fun question

that won't end
in a giant fight.

If the two of us
didn't live in Kansas

and lived in the city
of, say, fairytown, homo-hio...

Would you and I
still be together?

I'm just asking...

Are we a couple
because we love each other,

or are we just
at the mercy of simple math?

I guess I don't see those things
as mutually exclusive.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh-ho, shit!

What is this, a bonus?

It's, uh...
Not ex...

let's sit down, buddy.

Okay, doctor.

You can tell me.

You know,
I can... I can take it.

Is it
an imbalance of the humors?

I'm selling the company, Neil.

Sorry. What?

I'm selling four winds
to orgalawn,

and they're gonna bring me on
as a field manager.

Uh, wait... wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

If you're selling
the... the company,

what happens to me?

I tried to take you
with me, buddy,

but [Sighs] that's what
the extra money is for.

$500?

What the fuck am I
supposed to do with $500?!

I mean, Jesus, Max. You couldn't
give me a heads-up?!

Well, it was a sudd...

I mean,
I have a baby on the way.

What the fuck am I
supposed to do now?!

Come on, Neil. You never
wanted to be a landscaper.

Build a future
and take care of your family.

What family?!

Family?!
I sleep on a couch!

A-a-and without a job
or money,

what fucking good am I
to Charmaine?!

Jesus, this was... this was
the best week of my life.

You know?
And you just fucked it up.

Thank you!

Neil...

[ indistinct conversations ]

Let's begin, shall we?

Unless, of course, anyone else
plans on taking over my class.

[ Laughter ]

No?

Now, I thought today we might
abandon the scheduled syllabus

and instead
skip ahead to chapter 23

in your books.

Dissociative identity disorder.

D...

I...

D.

Now, since your fellow student
provided us

with a superb show-and-tell
last session,

it seems only fitting we should
follow her command performance

with a discussion

on psychology's
most intriguing diagnosis...

d.I.D.

With your permission, of course.

Wonderful.

What if D.I.D...
Which, incidentally,

is rarely diagnosed
outside north America...

doesn't actually exist?

Perhaps d.I.D.
Is nothing more than an excuse,

a crutch that severely damaged
people use to hide behind

to avoid facing the reality
of the pain they are feeling?

Or...

Is it a performance they put on
merely to get attention?

And you did get our attention.

Now, if you have read
my work...

and, please,
don't patronize me...

you will know which side
of the debate I sleep on.

But perhaps I'm wrong.

Maybe you have
a different point of view

on the subject, Ms. Gregson.

No.

Come on. Let's get our hands
dirty, shall we?

No?

Shame.

Let us continue.

Okay, so remember,

it's the late 19th century...
very prim and proper.

We're gentlemen of society.

Kern wants razzmatazz.
Let's give him razzmatazz.

Rory...

Roll camera.

[ Beep ]

Action!

[ Baroque music plays ]

Mm. Much appreciated,
Cavanaugh.

Now, if it pleases you,
go and draw my bath.

Good morrow,
Mr. macilvaney.

And to you, sir.

It hath come to my attention
that you've had the audacity

to besmirch my good name.

What say you?

[ Chair squeaks, thuds ] I say
you are a fool and a charlatan.

And I say you are dead!

[ Dick Dale & his del-tones'
"misirlou" plays ]

N-o-o-o-o!

I've checked every room.

We are completely alone.

[ Moans ] Charmie.

Sh...
charmie?

Charmie?
Shh!

Charm, listen.
Shh!

I lost my job.

Uh-huh.
[ Breathing heavily ]

Yeah.
Max sold the company.

Okay.

He's moving on.
There wasn't any room for me.

[ Moaning pleasurably ]

What?

Why didn't you...

Why didn't you tell me?

I-I don't know.

I-I ju... I...

you know, I was scared.

Of what?
Of you.

You know,
I thought you would kick me out

'cause you didn't want to be
with a guy without a job.

I don't. Who would?

I mean, that's why you don't see
a lot of pregnant women

dating homeless people.

You got to start looking
for something new.

Neil, I mean,
what are we gonna do?

I don't know, all right?

God! Fucking Max!

You know, u-up until Tuesday,
everything was perfectly fine.

No, it wasn't.
You were a gardener.

Whoa.
[ Chuckling ] Easy.

Well, I mean, you weren't planning on being
a gardener your whole life, were you?

[ Scoffs ] [ Shakily ] No.

You know the other day,

when you asked me
why we didn't happen?

[ Sighs ]

Well, here it is.

Dr. hattaras.

No time.
Running late.

I don't know what your point was
today in class,

but I told you what I told you
in confidence...

Big sign...And I think what you
did today was really inappropriate.

Bike rack.
Shit.

Uh, I signed up for your class
because I want to be challenged,

not used like some kind
of scientific experiment.

You knew the syllabus.

You knew that we'd be
discussing the disorder.

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

If you've taken offense,
I'm quite happy to apologize.

Hot dog?
Do you want a hot dog?

Two hot dogs, please.

I don't want an apology.

What I want
is to set some boundaries.

Boundaries?
I'm not your therapist.

I'm your teacher.

Mustard, please.

All I do is open a dialogue

and try and stimulate
a little debate.

That's my job.

That's what we do here
in college.

You know,
if you can't handle this,

maybe you shouldn't be here.

Hmm?

Now, I really urge you...

To try one of these hot dogs.

They're very special.

How can someone
with your expertise

deny the existence
of d.I.D.?

I mean, how do you explain
the time loss

and the switching and...

it's junk psychology, Tara.

It's just a way for victimized
people to rationalize behaviors

they'd rather not
take responsibility for.

Hey, something happened to me.

[ Muffled ]
Oh, unlike the rest of us,

to whom
nothing has ever happened.

And whether
something happened or not,

[ echoing ] That is
a completely different issue

to this convenient notion
of multiple personalities.

[ As t ] Hey, why don't you
shove your big words up your ass

and suck your own dick?

Well, I've tried that, but...

yeah, I did it!
Yeah, I kicked a hot dog!

Oh, it's happening
right in front of my very eyes.

What you lookin' at,
shrunken apple tits?

[ Chuckles ]

Stop gawkin'
and check that tampon tail.

See you Monday,
whoever you are.

Japan is made up
of over 3,000 islands.

The people live longer there
than anywhere else in the world.

And in the vending machines,

they have a selection
of used women's panties.

Mm. Something you often want when
you're buying some skittles.

I cannot believe that you sold
Hubbard's deathmobile

without any paperwork.

[ Scoffs ] It's amazing
what people will buy

when you flash
a little side boob.

You know what I like about you?

Hmm?

You don't get stuck.

You know, you just...
you put everything out there,

and you don't worry
about what comes next.

I worry a lot about...
Getting stuck.

Mm. Sorry, moosh.

You've got to get stuck.

You're the glue.

I hate that I'm leaving

and mom and dad
aren't behind me...

especially mom.

You know, when she decided
to go back to school,

everyone was so supportive.

A-and you can just see
on her face

how fucking proud she is
and how strong she feels.

I just...Wish that she would
want the same for me.

You know?

Why are you asking me?
What am I, the fucking Buddha?

Go talk to mom.

[ Laughs ]

Aah!

Neil: Oh, man.

Hey, look...

The other day...

Things got a little heated,

and I...

Should not have torn up
that check.

I'm listening.

Oh, that... that's...
that's pretty much it.

I mean,
I...Need that money.

So if you could write
another check...

[ Scoffs ] That's it?

Uh...Yeah.

I mean, were you expecting
an apology?

No. No, no, no.
Absolutely not.

You had every right
to get upset. Shitty situation.

What did I give you?
$500, was it?

You were expecting an apology.

No, I wasn't.

Oh, I'm gonna call bullshit.

You were expecting me
to apologize to you.

Hey, buddy,
you don't want to...

why the fuck would I apologize
to you, all right?

I mean... I mean, you fired me.
I have a baby on the way.

Neil, you don't... and...
and... and now... now...

now I'm in
this shitty bowling alley,

begging you for $500.

Hey, you know what?
Okay. Um...

[ Inhales deeply ]

I'm sorry that you had to
sell your business

and make a lot of money
and that you got a new job.

How's that?

What the fuck
do you want from me?

Neil, I've been carrying you
for four years.

You... [ Laughs ] Yeah,
covering your ass

so that you wouldn't
have to grow up

and take responsibility,
like the rest of us.

What, do you think I like
firing my best friend?

Here's your 500 bucks.

Go fuck yourself.
We're through.

So you did want an apology!

[ Door opens ]

[ As t ] Thanks for the ride,
astroglide!

[ Door slams ] T.

[ Slurred ] What's up,
sistah from another mistah?

I've been hangin'
with the j-dog,

tweakin', jankin',

givin' up stank for beer money.

Who's j-dog?

[ Chuckles ] I don't know.

Guy with a truck.

Okay, t,
I got to talk to my mom.

Aw.
Katie wants her mommy.

What are you doing out, t?

Did something bad happen
to my mom today?

Nothin' we can't handle.

Old donkey dick's
trying to twist up her head.

Teach say I ain't real.
I'll show you what's real.

1-8-7 real!

Payback time!

[ Giggles ]

T, simmer down.

[ Laughs ]

Let go.

Do you have any idea
where my father might be?

I don't know.
He ain't my job.

[ Chuckles ]

Fine, bitch.
I don't need no shank.

I'll get myself a boom stick.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ] I gotta roll.

Where the fuck are the keys?

Um, I don't think
you should go anywhere, t.

You're completely wasted.

[ Scoffs ] Who's gonna stop me?

I am.
[ Laughs ]

I don't want you doing anything

that's going to get my mom
in trouble.

Aw, kay-kay. That's where
you got it all wrong.

Momsy and I
are working together.

She wants me to do this.

I don't think so.

Back off.
No.

Back the fuck off, bitch! No, t!

Ow!

T!
[ Grunts ]

Son of a bitch!

T. T!

Fuck off!

Don't get in that car!
You fucking cu...

ohh!

Don't fuck this up
for my mother!

She's put up with too much,
and she's worked too hard!

Get the fuck off me!

If you fuck this up for her,
you fuck this up for me,

and I need her to do this!

You hear me?!
I need her to do this!

Don't take this away from her!

Don't take this away from us!

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Whimpers ]

Mommy?

Yeah.

I'm here.

[ Sighs ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

T punched me.

I know.

[ Sighs ]

Japan?

[ Sighs ] Japan.

[ Voice breaking ] Go.

[ Cries ]

* tell your mama
that you'll come home soon *

* tell your brother not to cry *

* it's a long way
across a Western plain *

* 'neath a big country sky *

* where are you? *

* I am already gone *

* where are you? *

* I am already gone *