United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 10 - Train Wreck - full transcript

Previously on
"United States of Tara"...

Charmaine:
Tara, is there any way...

That I'd watch wheels?
Hells yeah.

Look, my brother says
the sooner I start,

the sooner I'll be back.

Just come back to us, okay?

I liked you.

I liked you, too.

You're still in love with me.

Your son got into
the film festival.

Will you take me?
To New York?



Marshall:
Max makes good.

Is that really what you think
of our family, of me?

"Max is a coward
for hanging in there."

Ow! Mont...

timeout!
Time-fucking-out!

Why can't we live
in the same city?

Ah, because life, my dear,
is not that neat.

I mean, my sister's
a little loopy,

you know, but she's better.

I mean, she says she's better,

so I have to believe she's better.
[ Wheels cries ]

And who are you?

I'm Bryce craine.

[ Vomits ]



This is so good, mom.
I love the crab.

[ Coughs ]

[ Strained ] Extraordinarily
allergic to crab.

I told you that.

Call an ambulance!

It's your big brother.

Why did they pick
such an early flight?

Oh, free skykans ticket.

One of the perks of squeezing

a low-budget-airline hostess
from my loins.

[ Groans ] Speaking of loins,

thank God
Neil comes home tomorrow.

This is the longest
I've gone without sex,

unless you count,
you know, ages zero to 11.

You lost your virginity
at 11? Who with?

Benn bainer,
of the bainer brothers.

The brother with the harelip?
How did I not know this?

No idea.
You were in the room.

Hey.

Oh.
Did you ask her?

I was waiting for you.

Ask me what?

Did you tell Max about Bryce?

No.

What?
You didn't tell him?

And ruin his big trip?
No, ma'am.

Tara, you have
a homicidal alter...

Who tried to seafood
your Professor.

It was a prank.
He's 14 years old.

He didn't understand
the consequences.

Uh, and are these, um,
stab wounds for ventilation?

Trust me. I have it under control.
[ Cellphone beeps ]

And you are saying this why?

I thought he was
barfing up your pills.

[ Snorts ]

Ohhhh.
Mother, there are no words.

Oh, honey, it's temporary, just
until your father gets home.

And then
he and I will make a plan,

and we will execute said plan.

[ Sniffs ]

And it will be staggeringly
successful, I promise.

But until then...

Three snorts a day
keeps the psychos away.

Kate: Ugh.

Woman: Have a nice day.
Man: Thank you.

So, did you find any treasures?

I don't know.

Does a sucked-on jolly rancher
stuck to a tray table count?

Yes, it does.

[ Both chuckle ]

Mm.

Mmm!

What is that...
chocolate and coconut?

Skykans'
signature disinfectant.

Ooh. How decadent.

[ Chuckles ]

I think that I'm tastier

when I'm not chased
with a shot of feral 8-year-old.

Uh, yeah,
that is not ideal. Sorry.

Corrine and I are still trying
to figure out our schedules.

Don't worry about it.

I think
that my domestic situation

has yours beat
by like a gazillion.

Intriguing. Continue.

Okay. Sunday dinner
at the Gregson house.

My mom assumes the identity
of her molesty stepbrother

to nearly commit murder
by shellfish.

The victim...
her psych Professor,

who is deathly allergic to crab,
which she knew about.

Um...

My mom becomes different people

to cope with the shit
that other people do yoga for.

It's some childhood trauma
dealing with her dad's son,

who did something to her
at a cornfield, or...

Wait. Is this...
I-I-is this too much?

N-no.
Hmm?

Uh, yeah.

Um, it's, uh, a little bit...

I mean, it's just a lot...
and quick.

But...

Good...

Ultimately.

Um, where...
where should we go?

Uh, to Starbucks or quiznos?

Marshall:
The world seems so small now.

The entire world seems smaller?

Compared to New York.

That sofa is 3 inches shorter
than when I left.

Look at that.

In New York for five days,

and Marshall's suddenly
Mr. New York.

He's like
a regular Woody Allen.

The only new yorker
that dad seems to know.

We saw him everywhere we went.

Apparently,
Woody Allen works the register

at fao schwarz on fifth ave.

A lot of people look alike
in this world.

I've got to go to school.

You two all right?

Yeah, yeah.
It's... it's complicated.

I'm proud of him, but we, uh...

We got a little...
we got a little raw.

I'll... I'll tell you
about it later.

I-I sort of
need to talk now.

Bad stuff? Big stuff?

Uh...Yes.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

New alter.

Oh, but please
don't make that face.

Uh, I have it under control.

I'm allowed to have
any look I want.

You know
I'd have come home earlier.

[ Sighing ]
Okay. All right.

Who is she?
Good? Bad alter?

Loves giving back massage
and knows the stock market?

No? No? We're never gonna have
one of those, are we?

[ Sighs ]

He is 14 years old...

And his name is...Bryce.

Are you...

Bryce?!

As in Bryce Bryce?!

I'm medicated...
heavily medicated.

I have it
completely under control.

Marshall: Dad, let's go!
We're gonna be late!

Okay. We're not done.

Okay.

Look what I got...
Charmaine's famous hot cocoa

with rum shots
and lucky charms.

With just the horseshoes!

Take off your jacket.
You're home.

Mwah.

I don't want to put her down.

My arms have been itching
these last few weeks.

Just been aching for her...
aching for her.

What's she doing?

Is she... she laughing,
she drooling,

she...
she rolling joints?

[ Laughs ]

She's got
three new facial expressions.

Oh.

This one when she's pooping.

[ Laughs ]
"Constipated geriatric." Nice.

Um, this one.

"Elevator fart sniffer."

And...

[ Laughing ] Oh!
"Roller-coaster douche bag"!

Oh, you're so talented!

[ Snorts ]

[ Sniffs ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

Being born in New York does not
make you any more special.

It's luck.
Their movies were just okay.

They're not magic geniuses
because they live

on the upper West Side
and drink egg creams.

Eggs and cream?
That's a thing?

That sounds like vomit juice.

Well, how do you all feel
about souvenirs?

Pro or con?

Pro, definitely.

We lost one of our students
last night.

Really? Which one?

Fyi... I won't be able
to fit a t-shirt over my head

for the next two months.

I assume they didn't have any
"I heart New York" button-ups?

I think you should
tell them, Albert.

Emotional children
make me very uncomfortable.

So...

All right, class.
Uh, eyes here, ears open.

I have some news.

It's not the kind of news
anybody likes to get.

You know, when I was 16,

uh, there were
a lot of tractor accidents,

and, uh, Donny champlain
was the quarterback.

Now, we all
called him "peaches"

'cause, uh,
he had a-a peach tree...

Lionel trane's dead.

[ Students murmur ]

It was a car accident...
last night.

[ Sighs ]

He didn't say a word
the entire ride.

[ Drowsily ] Oh, my poor boy.

This is what you meant
by "medicated"?

If you had a mustache,
you'd look just like Stalin.

Marshall: Now what?

Uh, she'll be fine.

She had to up her meds.
You get it.

Of course. Wouldn't be her
if it wasn't something, right?

[ Groans ] There's always
something, mooshoo,

[ laughing ]
Like a Chinese pancake.

It doesn't matter.
It really doesn't.

I get her or I get Alice
and a peach cobbler.

What's the difference?

[ Door slams ]

I cannot believe
I got here so fast.

Plane to car.
Speeding like a blur.

I just... I heard
what happened to Marshall,

and I just had to be here,
you know?

What do you need?

[ Doorknob rattles ]

He locked the door.
I just want to see if he's okay.

Come on, marsh.

Oh, well, do you want to know
what to say,

or do you want
to break in there?

Because I don't know
what to say,

but I can break into
any locked door in this house.

[ Lock clicks ]

Took you long enough.

Well, buddy,
you could have opened the door

and saved us some time.

That's not
why people lock doors.

I don't have to go to work...

If you want me to hang around.

Please go to work.

Don't do
anything different for me.

I'm really sorry
about Lionel, moosh.

He'll always be
my second-best gay.

[ Singsong voice ] Because
you're my first-best gay.

No?

You really want me to go?

Okay.

I'll be over there
or next door... close.

* oh, we're gonna change
your little diap-diap *

hey.

Hi!

What's with the mask?

[ Chuckles ]

Found I lost the ability
to stand the stench.

I don't want to puke
on the baby.

Scalpel.

Oh, yeah.

So, what's with the new dude
inside of Tara?

Oh...

Any other time,
we'd be scrambling around

like rabid gerbils around her,

but we're focusing
on Marshall right now

'cause he's not doing too good.

We make
these tiny, perfect creatures,

promise them
nothing's gonna hurt them,

promise ourselves.

Yeah.

And then the world just unloads
a shitstorm in their faces.

Hm.

And you realize...

Nothing's in your control.

Yeah, well, you can't fix it,
man, you know?

You just got to be there
for him, hope you're capable.

Forceps.

Aaaah!

Oh, God.
Aah. Okay.

Dude...

I-I know.
I know, I know.

[ Knock on door ]

Uh, just a second.

Max: Hey, honey,
should I wear my charcoal suit

or the black one tomorrow?

Too bad you don't have fuchsia.

[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

Hey, honey, if you're
feeling any better,

maybe you can go check
on Marshall, too, okay?

[ Knock on door ]

Is it okay if I come in?

It's your house.

The doors
are merely suggestions.

I, uh...

I found this picture
of you guys this summer.

Remember,
they were showing movies

on the wall at the library?

We got into a fight
right after that.

Yeah.

But then it was over,
and we got ice cream.

And I watched him watching you.

That's the kind of thing
a mother rarely gets to do...

watch someone watch your kid
and see the same thing you do.

We were terrible together.

You know that.

We weren't in love.

Well, you weren't
soul mates, but...

I think he still
wanted to watch you,

see what
you were gonna do next.

Tomorrow,
it won't be like this.

I'm... I'm here,
however you need me.

I'll stay here for the funeral,

or...I'll be there
with you.

It's... it's your call.

Hey, um...

Please come.

Yeah.

[ Knock on door to
"shave and a haircut" rhythm ]

[ Knocks twice ]

Hey, um, look, I-I feel like
I should just apologize,

um, for shoving my hyperactive
spawn down your throat.

He's just...You know, um...
Part of the package.

A-a-and I don't mean
that I'm, like, a package.

It's not like I wasn't

hemorrhaging
my own family bullshit.

I don't want to bog you down.

Yeah, because, I mean,
we both have, like,

a ton of stuff
going on right now.

Yeah. We should just
keep it super-casual.

I am so glad
that you said that.

Mm.
And does "super-casual"...

that means that we're like
khakis or...Jean shorts?

Well, like... like,
those weird calf-length shorts

that Kevin Smith wears?

"Jorts."

Yeah. We're jorts.

Mm. But...So... so just,
more casual than we are now?

Mm-hmm.

So, do you want to...
Date other people?

No way.

Whoa. Wait. Did you?

No. No.

Okay.
No.

But if we're jorts, that means
that we're, like, not pants.

Mm.

And if we're not pants
and we're not shorts,

then we're...

Not anything.

Right.

Well, I'm glad
that we figured this out.

Me too.

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

Life is so fucking fragile.

[ Sighs ]

You know what I keep thinking?

Hmm?

It could have been him
in the car.

Oh, baby...
I know.

Don't... don't go there.
I can't help it.

We got to...
Not take shit for granted,

appreciate everything we got,
which is a boatload.

[ Inhales deeply ]

I feel like my whole life
is boiling down

to this one fucking
blip in time.

If I can't mother that boy
right now,

when he needs me the most...

What am I?

Max: Says here
the funeral's at noon

and we all drive
over to the cemetery.

Is moosh gonna speak?

I don't know, honey.

This fucking sucks.
I hate funerals.

Really?

Most people love
mourning violent death.

Is this an open-casket
funeral, or what?

Well, judging
from the accident report,

I doubt
he's in any shape for that.

Hey, mooshy.

Ted:
How you doing, kiddo?

I understand.

When I lost my dear mother,

I didn't speak
to anyone for months.

Of course,
we were closer than most.

I-I brushed her hair
every day,

and we slept in the same bed...

uh, hey, Ted...

[ Clears throat ] Tara!

We, uh, we want
to get there early.

You about ready?

Mom?

[ As Bryce ] Morning, folks.

And hello again, Charmaine.

Katherine.

My apologies for my poor
table manners the other night.

Awfully impolite of me.

Tara's miffed
she can't be here today,

though she sends her best
from cabo.

[ Laughs ]

Have a great day,
Tara's family.

Go put the "fun"
back in "funeral."

Let's go.

[ Black flag's "spray paint"
plays ]

* it feels good
to say what I want *

* it feels good
to knock things down *

* it feels good to see
the disgust in their eyes *

* it feels good,
I'm gonna go wild *

* spray paint the walls *

* I don't want
to see the plan succeed *

* there won't be room
for people like me *

* my life is their disease *

* it feels good,
I'm gonna go wild *

* spray paint the walls *

* it feels good
to say what I want *

* it feels good
to knock things down *

* it feels good to see
the disgust in their eyes *

* it feels good,
I'm gonna go wild *

* spray paint the walls *

* spray paint the walls *

* it feels good,
I'm gonna go wild *

I thought it was nice.

I guess it's weird
to call a funeral "nice,"

but it was different.

What's the word?

Flamboyant.

It was tasteful.

It was flamboyant.

When I go, I hope
that my parents could see me

as gay and at peace
in a roomful of friends.

Lionel trane always said
exactly what was on his mind,

and I respect that.

You know what he said
to me once?

He said, "Kate,
leggings are not pants."

And he was right.

Did you see the newspaper?

What's that, buddy?

Well, um, look at the headline.

It says "local student trane
killed in crash."

If you didn't read the article,
you'd think

that a local train full of
students were killed in a crash.

Like, if he died
slightly differently,

they'd have a better headline.

Yeah, it's kind of like
the writer was thinking,

"I just wish he would have died
a little bit funnier."

[ Chuckles ]

"Trane trains train,
tragically."

"Dies."
* wah-wah *

[ laughter ]

Okay, um...

He...Crashed into a train
at his own family reunion.

"Trane smash into train crash
at trane bash."

[ Laughter ]

Wait.
I want to do one.

"Lionel..."

Fuck!
I'm so bad at word games!

Guys, please.

I can hear your soppy bullshit
from upstairs.

How does a guy whack off
in peace in this house?

Fucking, really.

Kidding, of course.

I always find a way
to whack it.

Kate, fyi...
your pink Teddy bear and I

shared a wonderful
moment in time.

Oh, and I found this letter
in marsh's room.

[ Clears throat ]

"Marshall, we are stars.

"We will get brighter,

and we will shine
forever and ever."

[ Laughs ]

It's funny 'cause it's retarded
and he's dead.

Leave him alone, mom.

Marshall:
She's not in there.

But she let this happen,

because no one can have
bigger problems than her, right?

Oh, Tara's
the fucking worst, huh?

All right,
it's been fun, Bryce,

but this thing has a clock
on it. I'm calling hattaras.

You're out of here.
Dad...

"got it under control"
my fucking ass.

Well, tell the good doctor,
"hello, cheerio, pip-pip,

and take the lift."

Max, hattaras
isn't seeing Tara anymore.

Bryce tried to poison him
with crab.

Poison him?

Yeah, and he lived.
Fucker couldn't take a joke.

Well, who's looking out
for Tara?

No one?

T-there's
no fucking net?!

W-what am I
supposed to do now?

What were you going to do?

I should go.

Yeah.
Uh, us too.

You can't leave.

It's a party.
Don't you want to party?

Or you got to get back
to the baby, huh?

Yes.

Adorable little girl
you've got there.

Just an angel.

Yeah, we had a hell of a time
while you were away.

You know, no one
takes the bus anymore

but fat people and old folks...

And your sweet,
little baby girl.

* the wheels on the bus
with wheels and Bryce *

* wheels and Bryce *

* all through the town *

you knew about that, right?

What the fuck is
she talking about, Charmaine?

I don't know
what she's talking about.

If I find out...
if I find out...

Hey.

[ Glass shatters ]

Whoa, buddy.

Who are you defending, dad?!
Who are you protecting?!

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, who am I protecting?

Stay away.

[ Telephone clatters ]
Leave our family alone.

[ Chuckles ]

Kate: I wish we were
the sort of people

who could just get upset
about one thing.

When something happens,
everything else should go away.

One terrible, horrible thing
a day.

Yeah. I don't expect
anything else.

She can't cope.
How can she help me cope?

Well, I don't know
if it makes you feel any better,

but if mom knew
what she was doing,

it would absolutely
destroy her.

Does it matter what she thinks
if she does what she does?

I don't know.

You've got to get out
of this house.

Please, promise me.

I absolutely will.
I promise.

No. You won't.

Because I always say I'm gonna
get out of here tomorrow,

and I even get on a plane
every day.

I'm still here.

What do you expect me to do?

Nothing. Nothing.
No contact.

No phone calls,
no...Multilayered pasta dishes.

But she's my sister.

Aren't you the one who's
Mr. "it's always about family"?

We're your family.

We're your family,
number one and only, all right?

Indivisible, with liberty
and justice for all.

But how will I know
Tara's okay?

You don't have to.

She's not, all right?
She's not okay. I wish she was.

But my girls have got to be
okay first.

All right?

That...

Person took our baby.

[ Sighs deeply ]

No one is ever
going to hurt you.

Ohh.

[ Breathing heavily ] Sorry.

Hey. It's my day off,
and my brother's...

hey, hey,
what are you doing here?

It's hard.
It's really hard.

And, uh... hang on.

Okay, here's the thing.

I'm tired of using my mom
as an excuse

for all of the crap
that I can't deal with,

and I am sick of acting like
her problems are my problems.

I want to make my own problems.

That's my right
as a human fucking being.

And so I choose you.

Be my problem.

Please?

Okay.

Does this mean
we're no longer jorts?

[ Chuckles ]

No. We're culottes.

It's on standby, I promise.

I know your tricks, Gregson.

We just need a moment.

Pretend it was just before.
Future Lionel.

Fine.

In 10 years, I'm going to live
in a mansion in New York...

marble floors, pool boys,
famous for being famous.

Pool boys in New York?

You'll go to Manhattan,
I'll go to Manhattan.

Your Manhattan
will be in New York,

and mine will be
at Kansas state

in Manhattan, Kansas.

Maybe if I want
the marble floors enough,

I'll end up
someplace in the middle.

You don't dream
about any real things?

[ Door opens ]

Reality star cum movie star...

[ tv shuts off ]

There is a flood of shit
coming down the Mountain.

I need some men with buckets.

My bucket's almost full.

I think I-it's best for everyone
that I not hang around.

Then I...
Hereby withdraw your bucket.

I'll... I'll hold 'em
for both of us.

When you go, I want you
to do something for me.

When you ran around New York,
you acted like

you'd never seen a fucking
building or a bagel before.

Don't ever lose that.

Don't give that up for him.

[ Bang, glass shatters ]

Or her.

Is she gonna be okay?

That's not your problem
anymore.

Are you gonna be okay?

[ Crash ]

You even...

You even know
where you're going?

Yeah.

Come here.

You call me when you get there.

[ Thumping ]

[ Sniffles ]

You want me to stop?

Yeah.

Fuck you, old man.

Don't tell me what to do.

When's Tara coming back?

Don't you get it?

[ Laughs ]

She's not.

[ Add n to (X)'S
"electric village" plays ]