United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 3, Episode 1 - ...youwillnotwin... - full transcript

Previously on
"United States of Tara"...

Are you sure
you want to do this?

I mean, are we sure
they're all gone?

Yeah.
It's been three months.

I know I'm ready.

Okay.

How about we dump Alice first?

[ Sweetly ]
Hello. I'm Alice.

Bonne chance, bitch.
Let's do t next.

[ Crowd cheers ] All right!

No, look, let's just
do them all at once.



Let's just get this over with.

Really? Yeah. Let's do it.

[ Little-girl voice ]
I don't want to ride a tricycle.

Oh, my God.
It's chicken.

Tara's nickname
when we were little kids.

[ Grunting ]

I haven't transitioned
in months.

[ Southern accent ]
I need the body!

Well, it's mine.

Find a therapist.
I found somebody.

[ New York accent ] I'm shoshana
schoenbaum... Tara's new therapist.

Shoshana,
w-what are you doing?

Can I please stay here?
Live here?

So I can, uh...



[ Chuckles ]

"Revirginate" myself.

We've got some big news.
We're pregnant!

By the way, I found out
the baby's Neil's.

I want my wedding pictures
with Nick,

but I want my wedding night
with Neil.

Whatcha doing up there all day?
Looking for a new job? Kate: Sort of.

I wanted to be an adult.
I settled for a costume.

Done.

Lionel really hearts me.
We made out.

You're in love. I feel more like I
just came down with food poisoning.

This marriage...
Doesn't want to happen.

I'm sorry, char.

You and your sister
have a half brother.

His name was Bryce.

Tara, when you told me
what was going on,

I didn't want it to be true.

You knew these things
that could have helped me,

and you kept them from me?!

Is he alive?
Where does he live?

Heard you didn't get married.

You look really, really...

Really pretty.

Thank you.

If you're Tara, I'll be Max.

And if you're buck,
I'll be your bike.

When did you become so perfect?

[ Rock music plays ]

[ Engine turns over, revs ]

[ Engine shuts off ]

[ As buck ] Bryce craine?

Yeah.

Son of Frank craine,
born December 1962?

N-no.

Who are you?

[ Gun cocks ]

They call me "justice."

Wait.
Y-you got the wrong guy.

Oh, do I?

[ Gun clicks ]

You're dead, motherfucker.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sniffs ]

* mmmbop,
ba doobie-da ba doo-wop *

* ba doobie-da ba doo-wop *

* ba doobie da ba doo *

come on, dig in, everybody!

I got hamburgers, hot dogs,

weird shit
that Charmaine brought over.

* doobie-da ba doo-wop *

* ba doobie da ba doo *

Charmaine, I want...

I have got to get this baby
out of me!

I want to bury my face
in a bowl of bacon,

chug a bottle of vodka,
light up a smoke,

and then dive headfirst
into a blistering-hot jacuzzi.

Great.
But listen, Charmaine...

[ slurred ] Can I say
something to you two?

I like your thinking.

I do.

Baby or not,
you need to take your time.

Baby doesn't need
you in a relationship.

I haven't been in a relationship
in three months.

Perfectly happy.

My parents should never have
been together.

Hey, guys, eat one
of these burgers, please?

I still got half a cow
in the freezer.

[ Chuckles ]

I think I'll go join it.

Kate and Marshall: * mmmbop, ba
doo-wop, ba doobie-da ba doo-wop *

hey, Ted, uh, get rid of those
for me, would you?

All righty.

Where have you been?

You'll have to ask buck.

You don't remember anything?
Nothing.

Oh, I hate
when they run off like this.

Yeah, me too.

But I am here now,
so what can I do to help?

Okay, I want you
to call the cops,

have them bust up this party

so I can have a bunch of sex
with my wife, please.

[ Laughs ]

Charmaine: Oh, good!

Everybody,
we can start having fun.

The host is here.

Oh, laugh it up, fatty,

'cause in two months,
you will never laugh again.

Ha ha.
[ Chuckles ]

You know, this is weird.

The last time we were
all gathered back here...

Charm...

I was getting married.

Charm, come on.
It's not worth it.

[ Breathes deeply ]
I know. I know.

It's just all this shit
that mom and dad put us through,

and now... don't. Seriously.
It's time to move on.

It's a party.
Let's have some fun.

Mama...

Uh, Marshall wants to know if
you guys are gonna sing a song.

Are you drinking beer?

Yeah.

But you can't do
anything about it,

because I don't live
under your roof no more.

But you live under mine,
so not until you're 21.

Hmm.

You're a good influence on her.

My urge to sell her for parts
has mostly subsided.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey.

Lionel:
That's not ass crack.

That's a full-on
ass chasm.

Are you getting it?

No. The focus
on this thing sucks.

Mom, you are
so old-school.

People don't need
a college degree anymore.

Oh, that is
such bullshit, Kate.

First of all,
college is amazing.

I would kill
to go back to college.

Well, all I'm saying is that
a diploma is just a receipt.

Let's look at Charmaine.

She's owns a house,
runs her own business...

doesn't have a degree.

I have a degree.

Well, in a different way,
you're making my point.

I'm the one
who doesn't have a degree.

It's the biggest regret
of my life.

Hey, if you're ever serious
about re-enrolling, Tara,

come to me.

I can get you into my school
with one call.

Let's just say I know
the Dean of admissions...

how should I put this?...

from sex.

Oh! Champagne talking!

[ Laughs ]

Thanks, Ted,
but we're all right here.

Hey, wait a second, Max.
Let's see what Ted can do.

Well...

You know, 'cause we talked
about this, honey.

I know. But it doesn't make me
want to go back any less.

He's worried about me.

Well, she does
make it interesting.

[ Feedback ]

Neil: Charmaine...

[ Nervously ] Charmaine craine?

Um, boy, we've...
we've really had a lot

of ups and downs
this past year.

But now that we're embarking on
life's most rewarding journey

and... and because I love you

and because...

[ Chuckling ] I can't imagine
going through life

without the world's most
misleading pictionary artist...

Uh, I wanted to ask...

Um...

[ Clears throat ]

Charmaine...

Will you marry me?

[ People murmur ]

I don't think so.

Uh, I mean...No.

I mean...

No. Right?

Yeah. No.

[ Clears throat ]

Because...I can't imagine...

Oh, poor Neil.

Marshall, stop watching that.

I want to, mom.
I really want to.

But I just keep hoping
every time I play it back,

he won't pick up
that microphone.

Will you marry me?
No!

Son, seriously,
turn that thing off

and erase that, would you?

Dad, I can erase the tape,

but...I can never
erase the hurt.

And I know it's none
of my business, but I think

that it'd be really cool
if mom went back to school.

I never liked you.

All right, we're gonna do it
again? Let's do it.

You got something to say,
say it.

What?
You know where I stand.

It's one semester.
I'm a few credits short.

What are you so concerned about,
that I'm gonna transition?

No, you know that that...

I'm going to transition...
I'll transition at school,

or I'll transition
here on the couch.

What's the difference?

It's been a tough year.

Things are just starting
to get back to normal.

I thought we both could use
a little stability around here.

That went out the window
the minute we moved in together.

I really think
I need to do this, Max.

I don't want to spend
my entire life

being "the woman
who has d.I.D."

But you know
I'm not into everyone's need

to have words
for every fucking thing.

"Boyfriend" is just another one
of those gross words,

like "vagina"
or "love."

I just like calling things
what they are.

And... and I like to know
what you're thinking.

[ Sighs ] Just because I don't
have some stupid word to call you

doesn't mean
you're not important to me.

Hey, check out this camera.

It shoots in hd,

and it's got an I-series zoom
and dual inputs.

Oh, I like dual inputs.

Let's buy it.

Uh, and it's $700.

I only have $300, and I had to
pull silver dollars

out of a bank that's shaped
like a ninja turtle.

We're filmmakers, Marshall.

Painters need brushes.
We need this camera.

I'll put in half.

Well, you know
what this means, right?

We'll own property together.

And I know you don't like
the word, but it is...

A commitment. I know.
Yeah.

[ Sighs ]

I'm not...Worried.

I love our little camera baby.

We'll name him Orlando.

Whatcha reading?

Oh, hey.

Um, ksop course catalog.

Ted spoke to that guy
in admissions,

says he can work it out, so...

You're really gonna do this?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

I know where buck was Monday...

in salina, doing 95 in a 65,
no helmet, no license.

Where'd you find that?

Laundry...
checking pockets.

What's in salina?

[ Sighs ]

I don't know.

Well, it's 300 bucks,
which wouldn't be a big deal

if I hadn't lost
another job today...

country club,
my biggest contract.

Aw, shit.
What happened?

Fucking orgalawn again.

Reps keep poaching my clients,
undercutting my lowest bid

so I can't fucking compete.

It'll be okay.

You know how these things work.
It comes in cycles.

Could be a good thing
I'm going back to school.

I can get a real job,

start making a contribution
to this family.

Great.

Then I got
nothing to worry about.

[ Water bubbling ]

Urban duchess
isn't just a company

about making tiaras, Kate.

It's about making every woman
feel like a princess.

The website is getting...
Moderate traffic.

And I feel like
I am teaching women like you

how to be women.

By gluing sequins onto headbands
and selling them on etsy?

I've been sending out
my r?sum?.

I think I need
to get a real job.

Well, if you get a job,
who's gonna take care of me?

I'm fat and my feet hurt,

and I can't fit into the nook
next to the fridge

to reach the diet cokes that my
doctor thinks I should cut down on.

If you need someone
to take care of you,

why don't you just ask
n-e-a-I?

[ Scoffs ] That's not
how he spells his name.

Look, we are
independent women, Kate.

We don't need to be married
or engaged...

[ Sighs ]

or owned.

I am gonna raise a baby
by myself.

It'll be just us three girls...

me, you, a baby.

It's a revolution.

Hey, what say, ladies?

Whoa!
Sexy-nerd alert!

[ Laughs ]

Tara Gregson...
student.

Ted got me in.
I picked my classes.

Just got to fill out
some paperwork, but...

holy fuck.
You were serious.

Yeah.

I've got an interview
in about an hour

with a psych prof
whose class is actually full,

but if he lets me in,
color me matriculated.

That is an act
of unconditional motherly love.

Thank you
for getting you off my back.

Oh, God.

I so wish I had your strength.

Who are you talking about?

The whole abuse thing... you've just
pushed through it like nothing happened,

and I'm just...
Totally emotionally obstructed.

[ Scoffs ]

I'm just blown away by how quickly
you've been able to recover

from mom telling us
about Bryce.

I mean, I don't know.
Do you ever think about him?

Like maybe trying to find him?

No.

Absolutely not.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Wish me luck!
[ Sighs ]

Go get 'em!

[ Door opens ]

Neil: Okay.

Hey, Neil.
Hey, Tara.

I have got folic acid,

calcium chews, diet coke.

You didn't have to do that.

But I did, because I care.

Despite my public humiliation.

Oh, and I also got...

Tummy butter
and "tart deco" nail Polish,

which I'll be applying
because you can't see your toes.

[ Knock on door ]

No.

[ Knock on door ]

Office hours are not real.

[ Sighs ]

[ Knock on window ]

What?!

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Dr. hattaras?
Yes.

I'm Tara Gregson.
Yes.

I was just accepted
to the program,

and I saw that your abnormal
psychology class is full.

Undergraduate psych classes
tend to fill up rather quickly.

The semester has already begun.

Registration
started months ago.

If I was a vulgar man,
I would say you blew it.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, look.

I am back at school for the
first time since the early '90s,

I've had my ass kicked by life,

and I've had more therapy
than an ex-altar boy.

I want to learn.

I mean, you couldn't ask
for a more willing vessel.

Besides, you know 2 or 3
or 10 of these kids

are bound to drop out
by October,

their little brains
swollen with coors light.

Me... I will still be there,
raising my damn hand

like every other
overeager grown-up

who ever wanted
a second chance.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

All right!

So, this is the syllabus.

We will be studying letters
such as PTSD, ocd, mpd...

I think it's called
"d. I.D." Now.

No, don't do that.

All right,
little miss kiss-ass.

The first assignment
is due on Wednesday.

Please read chapter 4 of nagel

and choose one of the essay
topics on somatization.

Thank you very much.
Good day.

Oh.
One more thing.

God, what is it? I'm like
the bloody giving tree here.

What do you want...
apples, shade, a canoe?

I just need you to sign
my add slip.

[ Sighs ]

Your essay.

I read it, I like it...
I sign it.

Mm-hmm.

And this is what's refreshing
about me...

I am the only person that
you are gonna meet here today

who isn't lying on her r?sum?.

What's the point?

Yeah, I didn't go to college.
Yeah, I have a g.E.D.

Yeah, I worked at barnabeez
on shawnee mission parkway

and had to sue
for sexual harassment,

but that was only because
my boss was insane.

This is what you get with me...

I am smart.
I am dedicated.

I could write about fashion.

I could write the hell
out of this magazine.

This isn't a writer's position.

It's administrative.

But I could get there,
is what I'm saying.

This is who I am.
I'm telling you everything.

You can trust me to do
a good job because this is me.

Is this also you?

[ Gasps ]

Ugh.

You know, that lotion you got me
was oil-based.

It clogs my pores.

Could you maybe go out
and get me the other stuff?

[ Sighs ]

[ Door slams ]

What are you doing?

[ Growls ]

That's my wedding cake.

Beow!

Neil, do not eat that!

If you eat that,
I will fucking lose it!

[ High-pitched ] Mmm!

Neil, do not eat the cake.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?!

Why did you save this?

That's a $400 cake!

People save wedding cakes
to remember their wedding,

which you didn't have.

I'm commemorating the day
I became an independent woman.

[ Laughing ]

Stop that!

[ Muffled ] Oh, no.
I'm not eating cake.

I'm eating your bullshit.
It's delicious.

What does that mean?
What does that mean? Hey, hey.

You know what?

I know we don't
live together, okay?

But [Chuckles]
I buy your groceries

a-a-and I pay
your cable bill

and I-I give you
emotional support.

So explain to me...

exactly how does this make you
an independent fucking woman?

Do you understand the kind
of shit I'm going through?

I got knocked up,
left at the altar,

and became an abuse victim
in one year.

I am not ready for a partner!

Why don't you get that?

You have a partner.

[ Door opens, slams ]

Max: Hey, Tara.

I'm gonna go get drunk
with Neil,

do a little bowling so he
doesn't feel like such a loser.

Well, have fun.

[ Inhales sharply ]

You doing okay?

Well, it ain't comin' easy.

More like
it ain't comin' at all.

You know, I haven't done this
in such a long time,

and I am diving
right in the deep end.

But I'll figure it out.

You always do.

Go. Get drunk.
Have fun.

[ Inhales slowly ]

[ Sighs deeply ]

[ Breathing rhythmically ]

[ Drumming ]

Fuck!

Why are you so bummed out?

It was one interview

for a fashion magazine
in Kansas.

Okay, this is a place

where girls wear
k.U. Sweatshirts to prom.

Internet is evil, moosh.

Every stupid thing
I've ever done

might as well be tattooed
on my fucking head.

[ Inhales deeply ] Ohh.

If I'd known
we were going to barnabeez,

I would have just stayed home.

Everything about this place
makes my stomach churn.

Even the deep-fried
barna-brats?

Depends. Do you like
chewing on a shit-filled condom?

Kate!

Here's the barnabeez lowdown...

anything that says
"fresh seafood"

is made from this rubbery,
whitefish flap.

In the kitchen,

they have these cookie cutters
shaped like a clam

and a crab leg and a shrimp...
whatever.

And there's
these delicious sprays.

Ugh.
It's just nauseating.

Do they serve alcohol here?
I need a drink.

[ Sighs ] Tell me about it.

Aren't you writing
that paper tonight, mom?

How's it going?

[ Sighs ]
Honestly? Not great.

I had a few moments today
where I thought,

"God, what have I done?
What if I can't pull this off?

What if I'm already
everything I'm ever gonna be?"

Okay, stop.
You can't talk like that, mom.

Because if you've never
done anything and you're old,

what does that mean for us?

I mean,
am I gonna be sitting here

in this same booth
20 years from now,

bumming out my beautiful
daughter and gay son

about all the things
I never did?

Woman: Kate?

Kate Gregson?

Everyone in the back
thought that it was you,

but I didn't think
it was possible.

Somebody said you're, like,
a spy or something.

Well, I can't really
talk about it right now.

Oh.

Hey, somebody sent back
this crab leg supreme.

Now, you've got to tell me
something about your life.

I won't say a word.

I told you it was her.

I'd recognize you anywhere.

Hey, Kate,
I saw this video online

of this girl
sitting on a cake...

[ Kate moans ]

Mmm.

Oh.

Ow!

Ow! Ow! Jesus.

Ow! Fuck!

[ Inhales sharply ]

Shit.

[ Breathing sharply ]

[ Speed-dialing ]

Oh, Neil.
Call me asap.

I felt something.

Ah! It's the baby!

Help!
I'm in fucking labor!

[ Doorbell ringing rapidly ]
Oh! Shit!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

God, God, God. God, God.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Fuck! Fuck! Shit!

Ow! Ow, ow!

Ugh!

[ Moaning ] Ow, ow, ow!

Please!

Help!

Oh, my God.

All right, okay.
God!

Hang on. Hang on.
Help! Oh, no!

Hang on! [ Crying ] I
don't want to see that.

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

Damn!
[ Laughs ]

Jesus, you're on fire.
Mnh!

It's a shame to waste it
on the one night of the year

when all the super-hot chicks
decide to not go bowling.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughing ] Son of a bitch!

Way my life's going, it's like
I'm Charlie fucking brown.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah?
What does that make me?

What am I... am I pig-pen
or the, uh...The black one?

I want to know his name,
but...Oh, man.

Even if I knew it, I would still
call him "the black one."

Female passer-by:
It's Franklin!

I do not know
what to do right now...

all this shit
with Tara going back to school.

What shit?

I thought you guys
were excited about that.

Well, she is.
I'm not.

Look,
what I'm about to tell you,

few people know about,

so do not repeat this
to anybody.

Yeah, ok... yeah.
I get it.

The real reason Tara dropped out
of school last time around...

She tried to kill herself.

Yeah, I know that.

What?

Yeah, Charmaine told me.

Is that, like,
a big secret or...?

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck.

Well, then what's the problem,
though?

Wasn't that, like,
50 years ago?

Well, the big deal is,
if things get tough,

I don't want anything
to happen to her.

Like what?

Like her
trying to hurt herself again.

[ Chuckling ]
W-wait. Stop.

You don't want your wife taking
a couple of college courses,

and you have no problem

with her putting on
a pair of dime-store glasses,

flying all over town
on a motorcycle?

I mean, buck has guns.
You okay with that?

No, I'm not okay
with any of it.

Au contraire, or you would have
left her a long time ago.

Hey, let me tell you something
that I learned...

thank you.

During all this
Charmaine bullshit.

You...Have...No...Control.

I feel responsible.

You're not.

If your wife
wants to go back to school,

like it or not, you got to
take your hand off the wheel.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

[ Chuckling ]
I have 11 missed calls?

Good news, mommy.
Peanut is fine.

It hasn't even dropped yet. Ohh.

And your cervix
is still tight as a drum.

Can you put that
in layman's terms, doctor?

But what about the pain?
I was totally contracting.

They're Braxton Hicks.

Pre-labor contractions,

which you learned about
in your childbirth classes?

Yeah, I did. Made me think.
[ Chuckles ]

Just hang out here.
I'll check you out.

Okay. Thank you.

[ Panting ] Hey.
Hey.

Y-you're... you're okay?
The baby's okay?

Yeah.
It was false labor.

Wah, wah.

[ Chuckling ] Thank God.

Um...

Can I have a-a moment with
the mother of my child, please?

[ Chuckles ] Sure.

[ Woman speaking on p.A. ]

I'm moving in.
Neil...

and we're buying
some baby books, okay?

I don't want
to not be here for this.

Okay?

I mean, this...
this is important to me.

And you're important to me.

And I'm important to you, too.

All right.
You can have the couch.

[ Sighs ]

I got you
some tea and cookies and...

If you need it,

I think I can scrounge up
some crank.

[ Laughs ]
Why, thank you, baby.

[ Both laugh ]

Hey, I know how badly
you want to finish school,

and...I haven't exactly
been supportive.

But...

I spent two nights
in a hospital room,

like the one we were in tonight,
just praying you'd wake up.

And...

Those are memories
I'll never forget.

So I'm kind of terrified.

And I know that's irrational,

and...it's not fair
to let my shit hold you back.

But that's where I am
right now.

I know you got
a lot of work to do.

I'm just sick of disappearing

and...

Being the least interesting
person inside me.

You're not.

Chicken is.

[ Laughs ]

Come here.

Use me if you need me,

'cause I spell
real good-like.

Pbht!

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Keys clacking ]

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

[ Clacking quickens ]

[ As buck ]
Easy there, little lady.

What the fuck was that?

[ As Alice ] Don't you worry.
We're here now.

I got your back, missy.

Let's not go starting
this nonsense again.

You need some rest.
Mommies can't do everything.

[ As shoshana ] I'd say
we still have some work to do.

I-I don't want your help.
I want to do this by myself.

Mm. You can't.

You need us...
now more than ever.

[ As t ] I don't need dick!

Unless it's that guy's.

Back off, girl.

You leave him be.

He's got a lot on his mind.
He's very concerned.

What say we get down
to what's what

and knock out this paper, yeah?

You type.
I'll pontificate.

Somatization,
sometimes known as hysteria,

is derived from the Greek word
"hyster," meaning "womb."

Historically, these accusations
have been leveled at women.

* I want it to be over *

* turn the boat around
and bring that girl in *

* I stumble through the error *

* hope deferred makes the heart
sick, sick, sick *

* the circle rules and ruins *

* yet again, we are on our own *

* I don't need your opinions *

* what I got is all right *

* ooh, ooh, ooh *

* ooh, ooh, ooh *

* I know you're bleeding, baby *

* ooh, ooh, ooh *

* ooh, ooh, ooh *

* but you're not bleeding
blood *