United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 8 - Explosive Diorama - full transcript

Kate is less than thrilled with her mother's new friendship with Lynda. Kate accuses her mother of taking away all that's important to her. Kate is also starting to connect on the Internet in her Valhalla Hawkwind persona. She's not quite ready for what transpires. Charmaine is still trying to figure out a way to have Neil's baby but stick with Nick. She finally tells Nick what's going on and not surprisingly, he doesn't take it well. As for Tara, her alters haven't made an appearance for a while and gets ready for a neighborhood art show. Max's appraisal of her art doesn't go over well and they have a fight leading a fed up Max to pay a call on someone.

Who's this?

I think that's a portrait I must have
painted of our dead neighbor.


The Hubbard house makes it happen.

You know that little thing
that you had with my wife?

Buck, I love you.

I love you.

- Big news.
- We're pregnant!

Found out today
that the baby's not Nick's.

- Charmaine's pregnant with your baby.
- What?

Congratulations, Charm.
You officially have no soul.

You have got to go, okay?
This is the worst possible time.

I'll leave.

I just want to give you this.
It's a liar box.

Lynda and I are setting up a table
at this comic shop in KC-MO

to sell picturesfor money.

- What are you doing that I'm not doing?
- I started an online wishlist.

Kind of like a bridal registry.

You help them get off, and voil?...

Your dishes are sparkling clean.

I haven't been feeling inspired
to work at home lately.

When I saw you and your work...
I made a wrong turn somewhere.

Cutting it a little close?

- I'm so sorry.
- What's she doing here?

The guy's gonna be here in an hour.

I'm getting Lynda a few art supplies,
and then I'll be right back.

United Team







Explosive Diorama

So, I found this in the garbage.

You know, I did consider keeping it,

just so I could always be reminded
of how my actions affect others.

- Overrated.
- I know.

So, you cool if I use it, or...?

Why do you have all that masking tape?

I don't know. I just...

Your dad told me
about your decision.

You know, about... being gay.

So, I just want to let you know,
if you need somebody to talk to...

Goodbye, mom.


This house is like a hive of humans

staring at their own
personal screens.

What up?

You'd rather we all went bowling
or ice skating or something?

How about ice bowling?

I was thinking maybe you might want
to come down to Lynda's.

That art walk "First Fridays" thing
is coming up, and...

Yeah, been to a few of those myself.

Keep an eye out
for the dude on the stilts.

He's really tall.

You sure you don't want to come?

Let's see...
You took every single thing

from my favorite place in the world
and made it yours.

So... No, I think I'll pass.

Well, I thought we could both...

"Both" like "You and me"?

Yeah, sure. And while we're at it,
let's call grandma Bev

and see if she would like to lollygag
around Lynda's place in a beige pant.

I am nothing like grandma Bev.

And I am nothing like remotely available
to have this chat with you.

- If you'll excuse.
- Fine.

Is this princess Valhalla Hawkwind?

Yes, it is.

Now, let's do dis.

My god! I just saw Tara!

She's so smiley!

Is one of her alters
fucking a clown?

Haven't seen much
of any alters lately.

It's all Tara.
She's been spending time downtown

at that lady's loft
last couple of weeks.

Kate's friend?

Probably prancing around down there,

dancing to the indigo girls.

Yeah, you're pissed.

No, I'm not. I'm happy for her.

It's exactly what she needs.

So... I finally had my "aha" moment.


I had the realization

that I'm kind of glad you outed me.

I mean, you're only
as sick as your secrets,

and I'm sick of being sick.

- New therapist?
- No, new issue... O magazine.

What? They've got poems, Max.
Monthly poems.

I'll have to check that out.

Here's my plan.

You know how those famous ladies
adopt orphan babies

from, like, Malawi or whatever?

Yeah. So?

What if...

Nick could think of himself
as an adoptive father?

Like, what if he had met me

when I was smack dab
in the middle of adopting a baby?

From Africa.

Well, you had sex with another man

while you were engaged to him, Char.

Guys usually have a pretty fucking
hard time getting over that stuff.

I know, but...


So, on the scale of gayness,

I'm thinking Alex would be a 10.

You mean, like, 10 being the most...

queeny, flouncy,
flamy, homo in the land

and one being,
like, Craig T. Nelson?

Or, like, one being, like,

Jason Maurio?

He is, like...

He's, like, a 3.

What did you guys
do together, anyway?




And... a little dry humping.

Must have been tough to stay dry.

I'm only attracted to total manlys.

You know, like 1s and 2s.

What do you think I am?

I don't know.

Like, a 5?

I am not a 5, okay?

I don't talk gay, I don't walk gay.

I mean, people don't even know
I'm gay unless I'm...

Blowing them?

Marshall's coming out
of his little turtle shell.

I am not a turtle.


My god!

This place looks so different!

- I haven't been here in ages.
- I know.

You been busy!

So have you.

You taste good.

You think we could... make a time?

Yeah, definitely.

You mean...
A time to see each other,

or a time to get
together and figure out

when we can make a time
to see each other?

I'm sorry.

I got to go.

Okay, scoot along.


Welcome back.

Kate is just so pissy.

I mean, I don't know if
it's a mother/daughter thing or...

a woman thing or...

It's probably just me.

Someone once told me you need
to make art as if your parents are dead.

Yeah, but not your kids.

I don't know. I don't speak to mine.

- You've got kids?
- Three.

Well, two of my own,
plus a stepdaughter.

My stepdaughter's a little
manipulator fucking bitch.

My own daughter...

she stopped speaking to me.

That was her choice.
She'll come around.

He does whatever his sister does.

Man. That must be so hard.

They're all grown.

I guess it's kind of fun
to think about.

Life without your kids.
Life just for yourself.

Then you realize that was the only thing
holding the marriage together.

When my kids were grown, my husband
and I took one look at each other

and went, "Okay, no more audience.
It's time to close the show."

So, you're divorced?

You think I'd have time for this
if I had some man running around saying,

"What the fuck is this? Scratch my back.
Make me some chunky soup!"

And then Danielle shows up,
even though she wasn't invited,

and then Teresa and Caroline
go, "Let's beat her ass"...

I'm sorry, but... I don't actually watch
The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I thought you said I could talk
about whatever I wanted.

I did.

But now I wanna do something else.


Do you have any cake?


I was hoping you could...

sit on it.

The baby isn't mine?

It's... it's Neil's?


But the baby's yours spiritually.

Look, Nick, everything
happens for a reason.

Okay, you know that.

We talked about that on our first date,
on our very first date.

God, doesn't this place remind you
of a European gum commercial?

Charmaine, focus.

Do you realize what you're saying?

Remind me.

You lied to me.

You told me...

You told me you were keeping
yourself pure at your sister's house

so that on our wedding night,
it'd feel like our first time again.

I know. I know. Look, it was just
this one awful night, okay?

When I watched this documentary
about chronic fatigue syndrome,

and then I became convinced
that I had chronic fatigue syndrome,

and I was in this state,
and Neil came over, and he...

Did he force himself on you?

Sort of.

I mean, no...
Of course not.

Well, yeah, kind of... emotionally.
He made me feel sorry for him.

I've got this natural caretaker thing
that sometimes bites me in the ass.

I can't believe this.
I mean, I'm...

- I'm really blindsided here.
- I know. I know. I am, too.

I know there's something
wrong with me, okay?

I need help.

I need someone who loves me.

Look, I never believed
my prince charming was out there.

So even after you came along,
I still believed that you were pretend.

All right, look. I fucked up, okay?

I so fucked up.

But please...

Please don't put me out
into the streets.

Help me...

Believe in love.

So, I was checking out
your wishlist.

I see you want a kindle,
a coach purse.

Or the magic bullet. I'm fucking wild
about that magic bullet.

All right.


Tell me, kind sir...

What do I do now? I just...

sit on this thing?

Yeah, but... first you
need to turn away from me.

So I can see your ass.

But I wanna see your face, too.

Wait. Before I do this,
help a lady out.

Do I hate this, or do I like this?

You're surprised.

You don't know
you're about to sit on the cake.

There's got to be a better way.

All this dicing
and chopping is endless.

Only three of us tonight, buddy,
'cause Charmaine's out with Nick.

And mom's working, so...

You wanna call Lionel, for dinner?

You wanna invite him
to your mom's thing?

God! Stop with your pimping action.

Let a young man live his life.

Hey, dad, is there any way
we could make our showers hotter?

I want it really, like... scaldy.


Whatcha doing up there all day?
Looking for a new job?

Sort of.

So, guys, we're all gonna go
to mom's thing tomorrow, right?

If by "all of us",
you mean "everyone except me",

then yes, sir, you are correct.

You should go.

She's never actually had an art show
before, as far as I can remember.

Except for a little art show we've all
been forced to witness called her life.

"No stars!" says Kate Gregson
of the Overland Park parent review.

Marsh, if it's cool with you,
I'm gonna get mine to go, okay?

That your house?

House you grew up in?

Who told you to put all
the little stones on it?

How do you know someone told me?

You got a whole system
in there I know about.

You make art with all your selves.

I didn't realize you were so...

curious about DID.

When I dropped out of the scene,

they were still calling
you guys "multiples". But...

when I was locked up, I had a roommate
like you. She told me all about it.

I don't judge.

Let me see... I have been called
borderline, bipolar, depressive,

garden-variety hysterical woman,
post-partum, pre-partum, partum-partum,

fucked-up, Angela Davis,
angry-black-woman syndrome.

I heard it all, baby.

I gave up on that
"white floor, bright lights" scene.

I feel much better here.

Must be our Peking duck.

Surprise delivery.

I can't believe you did this.

Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.
Got the plates and everything.

Were you gonna stay?

I thought you'd be
a little excited to see me.

Take a break? You know, catch up?

It's just, we're still working,
and I didn't want to get all...


I need $26.50.

I would pay, but you used up
two tubes of my white liquitex.

- I got my credit card here.
- They don't take plastic.

I got it. I got it.


Think I was gonna memorize the numbers,
like some "Rain man" shit?

Don't fuck with me.
You're only in our family's lives

because my daughter caught you
committing identity theft.

It's not theft
if you created the identity.

Man, that smells good.

You got a little buffet
to choose from.

Chinese or Overland Park
gay gourmet.

It's all good.

Are you sure you don't want to...

No, no. Enjoy your dinner.

God, I feel terrible.

Doesn't do anybody any favors.

Let's have some duck.

What are you gonna do
with all these balloons?

Have you been enjoying that magic bullet
that arrived this morning?

It's such an affordable alternative
to a cuisinart.

Well, a guy put it
in my online wishlist

after I sat on a cake.

After I met him
at a comic-book store.

There's hundreds more guys
just like him.

I do shit, and they buy me stuff.

In terms of, like,
how people see me,

how gay do I act,
on a scale of 1 to 10?


10's the gayest.


Methinks it's nigh on close to 4:00.

Hey. Princess.

I've been waiting for you.

Get rid of your friend.

- Go. Get out of here.
- Are you going to mom's art show, even?

It's time for some balloonacy!

Cool? Thank you.

That's a maze?

One sec.

This is the most important part.

Damn, you've spent more time
painting that bicentennial flag

than the whole house.


Now it's perfect.

Why didn't you guys wait for me?
I was making sure that was a legal spot.

You know, now I'm not so sure if it was.
You guys go on ahead. I'm gonna go back.


Thanks for coming.


- This is it? My liar box is in there?
- Yeah, it's in there.

I like it.

From now on, I'll send
all my love-themed garbage your way.

All right.

She's here with him.

What do you care?

Come on. Get something to eat.

You want a bump?


Oh, my God, Lionel!


Some people know it as a prescription
medication for attention deficit.

I've never had that.

Okay, sure.

Hey, guys, maybe
we shouldn't do this in here.

Art, bathrooms, drugs.

It's almost like being in New York.

You know, I met Ted in New York.

He was my professor at the new school,
teaching gregorian chant.

Back when that monk album
was all the rage.

It was very hot.

Got to say, I'm a big fan
of Ted's blouse.

Tommy Bahama is like Ed Hardy

for 65-year-old fat men.

Have you guys seen an Egyptian guy?
He's about 30 years old.

He's good-looking...


Toot toot?

Come to the dark side,
my little turtle.

I think you're supposed to open this.

Well, that's a waste of a hell
of a lot of good cheese nips.

Hey, is it just me, or is anyone else
blown away by the level of detail

on this wee,
little bicentennial flag?

Okay, ready yourself for a pop.

You know what, friend?

I don't know if I feel like popping
any more balloons.

I don't really think it's worth...

a new blender or an "it" bag.

Well, we can...

Put new things on your wishlist.

Tell me what you want.



A Vespa.

A pink Vespa.

I'm sorry, man,

but there is some crap in the art world
that I just don't get.

Look at this shit.

I'm over here talking to Eli Adler,

who is one of the most important
art-gallery owners in Kansas City,

and we both overhead you,

my husband,

calling my art "crap".

Honestly, I didn't even know
whose it was.

Well, my name's on it.
Right there.

That says "Tara Craine",
your maiden name.

Yeah, well, I just...

I don't even know.
I just signed it that way.

It was really late when I finished
working last night, and...

it just came out.

Lynda thought it was interesting.


I've been married to you for 18 years,
and I have to agree.

That's pretty interesting.

Jesus Christ.

Let me ask you a fucking question.

Let's just say...

you had a new alter named Tara
or Tara Craine. Would you know?

Oh, my God.

Max, I don't...

Why are you doing this to me?
Can't I just have one good night?

One good night?

You're unbelievable!

What about me?
Could I maybe get one good year?

Do you have any idea
how much of my fucking life

I dedicate to giving you
good days and good nights?

I know, but I finally find something
that makes me feel like me.

This makes you feel like you, huh?

Not us? Not... Not our house?

- I wanted some space to be able to...
- You want some space?

You wanna have a little time
to do your thing?

You take all
the fucking time you want.

I'm gonna need a ride home?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure we could do that.

Can we do that, honey?

I can't go out there.

I have a phobia of fireworks.

Ever since I was little, something
about the noise just freaks me out.

Oh, God! I'm coming!