United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 10 - Open House - full transcript

Max holds an open house for his newly finished re-model. Tara and Charmaine ask their mom about Tara's childhood memories. Marshall and Lionel go cruising. Kate's new man worries about their age difference. "Alice" arrives and drops a bombshell on everyone.

PREVIOUSLY ON
"UNITED STATES OF TARA"...

SO, ON THE SCALE
OF GAYNESS,

I'M THINKING
ALEX WOULD BE A 10.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

LIKE, A 5?

I AM NOT A 5.

I WANT TO TALK
TO YOU SOMETIME

MAYBE ABOUT...
MAYBE BUYING THIS PLACE.

WE'RE SO EXCITED TO HAVE
OUR OWN LITTLE FAMILY,

BUT CHARMAINE SAID SHE
CAN'T IMAGINE DOING IT
ANYWHERE BUT HERE.

FOUND OUT TODAY
THAT THE BABY'S NOT NICK'S.



IT'S NEIL'S.

CHARMAINE'S PREGNANT
WITH YOUR BABY.

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I WANT YOU TO GET HIM
TO SIGN SOMETHING

SAYING HE'S NEVER GONNA
COME BACK AND TRY TO BE
A FATHER TO OUR KID.

I'M NOT SIGNING
ANYTHING.

YOU TOLD ME
TO GET AN ABORTION!

I'M YOUR PRINCESS
VALHALLA HAWKWIND,

AND YOUR WISH
IS MY ULTIMATE COMMAND.

Would you ever
meet in person?

SO, IF YOU EVER
GET TIRED

OF PRETENDING TO BE
A PRINCESS ONLINE

AND YOU WANT TO BE TREATED
LIKE ONE FOR REAL,



I'D LOVE TO BE THE GUY
TO DO IT.

DO YOU REMEMBER
SOMEONE NAMED MIMI?

I HAVE THIS MEMORY OF YOU AND ME
AND THIS WOMAN NAMED MIMI.

NOPE.

[ BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY,
MOANING ]

LAST NIGHT, I STOPPED
AT CAT FIVE'S FOR A BEER.

YOU HAD A THING
WITH PAMMY?

YEAH.

I KNEW IT.

OH, GOD, MAX.

-- Captions by VITAC --
www.vitac.com

* OPEN UP THE SKY *

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH *

* IT'S WINDY,
AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE *

* WHEN WE LEARN
TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE *

* WHEN WE LEARN
TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE *

* WHEN WE LEARN
TO LOVE THE RIDE *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LET'S GO HOME, TARA.

CHARMAINE, WE CAN'T.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO GET THERE.

HAPPY BY-SENNIAL, MIMI.

AND TO YOU, TOO, GIRLS.

GO ON, MY DEARS.

IT'S A PARADE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUN.

DON'T TALK TO ANYONE.

[ GASPS ]

HEY, BUDDY.

WHAT'S WRONG NOW?

OH, I'M JUST
SLEEPING ON THE COUCH --

BETTER FOR MY BACK.

MM. COMPLETELY BELIEVABLE
EXPLANATION.

AS YOU KNOW, I AM 8 YEARS OLD
AND VERY, VERY SLOW.

[ SIGHS ]
IT'S COMPLICATED, MARSH.

WELL, IF YOU GUYS GET DIVORCED,
I'M KEEPING THE HOUSE.

I CAN'T CHANGE SCHOOLS.
SHAWNEE NORTH HAS GANGS.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WELL, I'M GOING TO
MAKE BREAKFAST.

KNOW WHO WILL
ALWAYS BE TOGETHER?

ME...AND WARM,
DELICIOUS STRUDEL.

EVERYTHING'S FINE?

YOU TELL ME.

I DIDN'T SLEEP
WITH SOMEONE ELSE THIS WEEK.

YEAH, NOT THIS WEEK.

[ SIGHS ]

I'M FUCKIN' WRECKED.

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE
TROMPING THROUGH OUR LIFE.

I WANT TO CALL OFF
THE OPEN HOUSE.

THE SIGN IS UP. THEY PUT THE AD
IN THE PAPER. IT'S TIME.

NICK AND CHARMAINE, THEN.
IT'LL BE DONE.

JUST 'CAUSE
THEY'RE NEXT DOOR

DOESN'T MEAN
YOU GOT TO SEE THEM.

WE'RE HAVING THE OPEN HOUSE,
OKAY?

WE JUST NEED PEOPLE
WHO WILL STAY OUT OF OUR LIVES.

FIND SOME NICE INDIAN FAMILY,
JUST OFF THE BOAT --

NO ENGLISH.

MAYBE ONCE A YEAR,
I SAY,

"GOOD MORNING, MR. GUPTA.
HAVE A HAPPY DIWALI."

AND HE NODS,
AND WE GO BACK TO OUR...

WHAT -- OUR LIFE?

YEAH, IT'S COMING BACK.

[ SCOFFS ]

SUPERMAN SLEPT
WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

YEAH, WE'VE DEALT WITH
A LOT OF SHIT, YOU KNOW?

BUT I NEVER THOUGHT
HE WOULD DO THAT.

REALLY? I DID.

MM. TERRIFIC.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
HOW MANY PEOPLE

HAVE YOUR ALTERS SLEPT WITH
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED?

[ SIGHS ]
I COUNTED ONCE.

IN OUR LIFE, I THINK IT'S
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 33 AND 35.

I MEAN, GOD,
IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN.

YEAH, BUT HE DIDN'T
JUST CHEAT ON ME.

HE SLEPT WITH PAMMY,

THE WORST PERSON
HE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY FUCKED.

NO, THE WORST PERSON
HE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY
FUCKED IS PROBABLY ME.

YOU SERIOUSLY
WON'T SELL US THAT HOUSE?

NO! STOP ASKING ME
TO DO THAT!

IS IT BECAUSE
YOU DON'T LOVE ME?

NO! IT IS BECAUSE
I DO LOVE YOU.

GOD,
I'VE FUCKING TOLD YOU.

ALL THOSE WEIRD DREAMS
I HAVE

ARE SOMEHOW
CONNECTED WITH THAT HOUSE.

WHAT,
THE MIMI MOLESTY DREAMS?

I NEVER SAID THAT!

I JUST SAID
THAT WHEN I HAVE

MY OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS
ABOUT THOSE GIRLS,

IT'S ALWAYS THERE
AND NOT HERE.

HAVE YOU EVER ASKED MOM?

WHAT?
WHAT WOULD I ASK HER?

LIKE..."HEY, MOM?

DO YOU REMEMBER
SOMEONE NAMED MIMI?"

OR -- I DON'T KNOW --
"MOM, WHO THE FUCK IS SHE?"

I MEAN --
I MEAN, TRIP SAID

YOU WERE ALREADY TRANSITIONING
BEFORE THE RAPE, SO --

OH, GOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU USE THE WORD "RAPE"
OR "MOLESTY" ONE MORE TIME,

I'M GONNA HIT YOU HARD
ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD.

GOD!

WOULD HAVING A LITTLE
FUCKING GRACE KILL YOU?

GRACE?

YOU'RE TALKING TO ME
ABOUT GRACE?

YOUR FUCKING MARRIAGE
IS ABOUT TO FALL APART!

EVERYTHING --
YOUR MARRIAGE, YOUR KIDS!

DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S WORTH ONE CALL TO MOM?

I DON'T KNOW.

JUST TO...ASK?

Zach: WOW.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU CERTAINLY KNOW
HOW TO DRESS FOR TENNIS.

WHERE'S YOUR RACKET?

OH, I HAVE TO RENT ONE.
I DON'T REALLY PLAY SPORTS.

I'M, YOU KNOW...

DELICATE?

LAZY.
[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT YOU OWN
THE ENSEMBLE?

OH, I REQUIRE MANY GARMENTS
FOR MY MANY MOODS.

THIS IS ACTUALLY
A COSTUME

FROM A TENNIS-THEMED DANCE SHOW
AT MY SCHOOL.

I PLAYED VENUS WILLIAMS,
BUT THEN I QUIT.

HEY, WOULD YOU MIND

IF I CALLED YOU "KATHERINE"
INSTEAD OF "KATE"?

LIKE WHEN TOM CRUISE
TURNED "KATIE" INTO "KATE"?

MADE HER START WEARING
THOSE ZAC POSEN SUNGLASSES?

IS THAT A HINT?

YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU
SOME ZAC POSEN SUNGLASSES?

JUST TELL ME. WE CAN
STOP AT THE NORDSTROM
ON THE WAY TO TENNIS.

NO!

I'LL BUY YOU
FUCKING NORDSTROM'S.

OH, MY GOD!

OR THAT HOUSE.

I'LL BUY THAT HOUSE AND MOVE IN
SO I CAN BE ON STANDBY

TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE
EVERY SINGLE THING YOU NEED.

I GET IT --
YOU'RE RICH.

WHOOP-DIDDILY-DEE.
ZACH CAN HAVE WHATEVER HE WANTS.

THAT REMAINS
TO BE SEEN.

OKAY, IT'S RINGING.

I MEAN, SHE BETTER NOT
INSIST ON READING ME

ONE OF THOSE FUCKING
CRACKED-OUT POEMS

SHE WRITES FOR HER
"ACTIVE SENIOR" NEWSLETTER.

HI, MOM!

IT'S CHARMAINE.

UM...

YEAH, I'M NOT FEELING INCREDIBLY
HAIKU-ISH AT THE MOMENT,

SO DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD READ IT TO ME LATER?

HEY --

MOM?

MOM, I NEED TO TALK.

YEAH, YEAH,
WE DEFINITELY SET A DATE.

YEAH, NICK IS COMPLETELY
SUPPORTIVE ABOUT THE BABY.

YEAH, HE IS --
VERY SUPPORTIVE.

AS...SUPPORTIVE
AS...SOMEONE COULD BE,

YOU KNOW,
WHO...ISN'T THE FATHER.

UH, YEAH.

UM...NEIL.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I KNOW!

[ Voice breaking ]
THAT'S WHY I'M FREAKING OUT.

I J--

YEAH, I JUST --
I REAL--

LOOK, I REALLY NEED YOU
TO COME HERE.

I-I NEED --
I NEED MY MOMMY.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD.

THANKS.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

[ Normal voice ]
ALL RIGHT, SHE'S COMING.

DO YOU DO THAT TO ME?

JUST MAKE UP
WILDLY HEIGHTENED EMOTIONS

JUST TO MANIPULATE ME
INTO BEING THERE FOR YOU?

OF COURSE NOT.

THAT'S JUST FOR MOM.

GOD, I SHOULDN'T HAVE
LET YOU DRIVE.

YOU'RE SWEATING
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

NERVOUS?

I'M NOT NERVOUS.

I'VE BEEN TO THIS PARK
A HUNDRED TIMES ON SCHOOL TRIPS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE SITE
OF THE ONLY WORLD WAR I MUSEUM

IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

YOU CAN'T TELL IT BY MY FACE,
BUT I'M ACTUALLY VERY EXCITED.

LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE TO...
DO ANYTHING.

WE JUST HAVE TO...
YOU KNOW, GET OUT OF THE CAR

AND...SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.

LOOK, BABY STEPS.

IT'S JUST...
SHARING PARTS OF YOUR BODY

WITH -- WITH A STRANGER.

IT'S -- YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOT SCARY. I-IT'S HOT.

IT'S SCARY.

I MEAN,
HOW MANY MORE MERIT BADGES

DO I HAVE TO EARN
UNTIL I'M GAY ENOUGH?

Tara: HEY, MOM!

WOW.
YOU LOOK GREAT.

HOPE THE DRIVE
WASN'T TOO LONG.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
JUST A FEW MONTHS ALONG.

WHY DO YOU ALREADY LOOK
SO PREGNANT?

[ LAUGHS ]
I'M NOT EVEN SHOWING.

YOU ARE IN YOUR FACE.

Welcome.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ SPEAKS MOCKINGLY ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO,
IT WORKS LIKE THIS --

SOMEONE'S GONNA
COME UP TO YOU

AND ASK YOU
WHAT YOU'RE INTO.

AND IF YOU'RE INTO HIM,
THEN YOU GO OFF AND EXPLORE.

WHAT, UH...
AM I INTO?

I FEEL SO BAD
FOR BREEDERS.

BEING GAY IS LIKE
LIVING IN A BUFFET.

WHO DOESN'T LOVE
A BUFFET?

ALL THAT MEAT UNDER THE HOT
LIGHTS AND THE SNEEZE GUARD.

NICE DAY, HUH?

LET'S TAKE A WALK.

JOAQUIN.

LET'S TAKE A WALK,
JOAQUIN.

AND PEOPLE SAY
ROMANCE IS DEAD.

WHERE ARE MY CRUDIT?S?

IF YOU WANT CARROTS, JUST SAY
YOU WANT GODDAMN CARROTS.

HEY.

MY MOM'S HERE.
PLEASE ACT LIKE WE'RE HAPPY.

I MEAN,
LOOK AT ALL THIS SPACE.

HEY! BEV!

TARA AND I ARE
REALLY HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

WE'RE --
WE'RE HAPPY IN GENERAL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF A BIG CHANDELIER

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THIS ROOM?

OH, YEAH -- LOTS OF GLASS.
BABIES LOVE GLASS.

CARROTS? CELERY?

DELICIOUS RANCH DIP?

NEIL.

NEIL?

HELLO.

COME ON, MOM.

I'LL, UH, I'LL SHOW YOU
THE REST OF THE HOUSE.

I'LL GO GET
SOME RADISHES, TOO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
LOOK AWAY.

NO. SORRY.

YOUR, UM,
YOUR LUNCH LOOKS...

I'M SURE IT'S GOOD.

IT IS GOOD.

[ SIGHS ]

THIS -- THIS PLACE
IS REALLY WEIRD.

SO, YOU WANT
TO COME BACK HERE

SO I CAN INTRODUCE YOU
TO MY COCK?

SORRY, FELLA.
HE'S WITH ME.

I'M HIS FATHER.

BOY, THIS IS AN EMBARRASSING
MIX-UP, HUH, SON?

I'LL SAY...POP.

WE SHOULD GET HOME
BEFORE MOM...SHOWS UP HERE, TOO.

RIGHT.

GOD.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

DON'T SLAM THE DOOR,
TARA.

SUCH UNNECESSARY NOISE.

SIT DOWN, MOM.

WELL, YOU'VE CERTAINLY
GOTTEN YOURSELF

INTO A MESS, CHARMAINE.

MOM, WHILE WE HAVE YOU HERE,
I WANTED TO ASK --

CATTING AROUND
WITH ONE MAN

WHILE WEARING
ANOTHER MAN'S RING.

"CATTING"?
WHO SAYS "CATTING"?

I KNOW --
EVERYBODY DOES IT.

MOM, WHO'S MIMI?

MIMI WHO?

I THINK THERE WAS A MIMI AROUND
WHEN WE WERE KIDS --

TARA, IF YOU COULD JUST
SHARE THE STAGE FOR ONE MINUTE,

I CAME HERE TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL
ON YOUR SISTER'S LIFE

AND PLAN A WEDDING.

IT'S A FULL AFTERNOON.

WELL, I'M ACTUALLY TRYING
TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL

ON ALL OUR LIVES, MOM.

IF YOU'D JUST...
ANSWER THE QUESTION.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO --

I DON'T KNOW --
RECONSTRUCT MY CHILDHOOD,

AND I --

OH, NOT THAT AGAIN.

OH, GOD.

NO, IT'S NOT AGAIN, MOM.

THIS IS SOMETHING
I'VE NEVER --

[ Voice breaking ]
I'VE NEVER ASKED ANYONE.

I KEEP REMEMBERING
A, UM...

I KEEP REMEMBERING
A 4th OF JULY PARADE

AND A WOMAN NAMED MIMI.

NOW, WHO IS SHE?

CHARMAINE, YOU KNOW
YOUR SISTER IS ILL,

BUT YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S IN TROUBLE, MISS,

AND YOU'RE JUST LETTING HER
GO ON AND ON

ABOUT ALL THESE
STUPID LITTLE THINGS.

GOD, MOM. WHY WON'T YOU
JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION?

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE?

TO PLAY SOME TWISTED GAME
OF "INSANE FAMILY JEOPARDY"?

OH, GOD!

THIS IS NOT A GAME, MOM.

I'M AM FINALLY FIGURING OUT
WHERE I -- WHAT I COME FROM,

AND THAT'S SANE!

IT'S ALWAYS THE MOTHER,
ISN'T IT?

[ LAUGHS ]

I KNOW, I KNOW. I DIDN'T
READ TO YOU TWO ENOUGH.

AND I DIDN'T
BREAST-FEED.

NONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS
WERE BREAST-FEEDING.

NO ONE, OKAY?
SO SHOOT ME!

I'M NOT BLAMING YOU, MOM.

I'M JUST ASKING,
WHO IS MIMI?

I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?
MAYBE A BABYSITTER.

EVERYONE, STOP!
ALERT THE PRESS!

BEVERLY CRAINE HIRED
A BABYSITTER ONCE OR TWICE.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

OH, THANK YOU.

[ HUMMING ]

THANK YOU!
THAT'S VERY HELPFUL!

I KEEP IMAGINING
A LITTLE GIRL

WITH YOUR LONG,
LOVELY HAIR AND...

NEIL'S FACE.

AW, HONEY.

YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

BUT YOU'VE ALWAYS MADE DECISIONS
LIKE AN UGLY GIRL.

I WANT TO TAKE YOU
TO SEE THE JOFFREY BALLET.

IN CHICAGO?
YEAH, THAT'D BE FUN.

BUT THIS IS
FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

WOULD YOU NEED TO CHECK IN
WITH YOUR PARENTS?

ARE THEY GONNA MEET ME
AND WONDER

WHAT SOME STRANGE OLD GUY'S
DOING IN YOUR LIFE?

NO.

MY MOM'S A STRANGE OLD GUY
SOMETIMES.

LET'S GO.

PACK A FEW THINGS.

I'LL CALL THE PENINSULA
AND BOOK US A SUITE.

I'M SORRY -- IT'S JUST...

I'VE HAD A LOT OF SKEEVY GUYS
BOSSING ME AROUND,

AND IT KIND OF MAKES THE FOOD
COME UP IN MY -- IN MY GULLET.

I'M -- I'M SORRY.

NO! I MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT A SKEEVY GUY.

JESUS.
[ CHUCKLES ]

WOW.

UM, THIS --

THIS REALLY IS A --
A TEENAGER'S ROOM.

UH, THIS -- THIS IS NOT A ROOM
FOR AN ADULT TO BE IN.

NO.

NO, I PROMISE YOU,
THIS IS NOT ME ANYMORE.

I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
WHEN I WANTED IT PINK,
AND I JUST HAVEN'T --

UM...I-I MEANT ME.

THIS IS NOT A ROOM FOR --
FOR ME TO BE IN.

I'M 27. I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I-I-I HAVE TO
GET OUT OF HERE.

LOOK, I BOUGHT YOU
THESE EARRINGS.

YOU SHOULD
STILL HAVE THEM.

AND -- AND --
AND KEEP THE TICKETS.

NO!

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO THE BALLET.

YOU CAN JUST...PUT THEM
ON YOUR BULLETIN BOARD.

OH, MY GOD.
YOU HAVE A BULLETIN BOARD.

[ HUMMING ]

HEY.

HEY.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

JUST, YOU KNOW,
MY MOM.

OH, YEAH, I SAW.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,

I GOT THIS, UH,
LEIF GARRETT ALBUM --

"I WAS MADE FOR DANCING."

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
A FUCK-UP AT THE FACTORY,

BECAUSE WHEN I GOT IT HOME
AND PLAYED IT,

IT WAS BLACK SABBATH.

[ Laughing ] NICE!

SO I EXCHANGED IT
AND GOT A NEW ONE.

AND IT DIDN'T MATTER.

EVERY TIME I LOOKED
AT LEIF'S HAPPY FACE,

ALL I COULD HEAR
WAS "WAR PIGS."

THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE...

SEEING MY MOM.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I --

I CAN'T GIVE YOU
"I WAS MADE FOR DANCING."

[ SIGHS ]

BUT...
I CAN GIVE YOU THIS.

WHAT IS IT?

THE PAPERS THAT NICK'S FRIEND
SENT OVER FOR ME TO SIGN

TO PROMISE, YOU KNOW,

I'D STAY OUT
OF OUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE.

I-I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY,
CHARMAINE.

I HOPE THIS HELPS.

I SHOULD...
GET BACK INSIDE.

UH, PROMISE ME ONE THING,
WOULD YOU?

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, IF SHE EVER
LOOKS IN THE MIRROR

AND -- AND REALIZES
THAT SHE'S NOT NICK'S,

UH, DON'T SAY BAD THINGS
ABOUT ME.

YOU KNOW,
TELL HER I WAS A GOOD GUY.

YOU KNOW, LIE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOUR FUTURE PLANS ARE,

BUT THAT BACK OFFICE
WOULD MAKE

A GREAT EXTRA BEDROOM
FOR KIDS, MAYBE.

HOW ARE THE SCHOOLS?
THEY'RE GREAT.

BOTH OF MY KIDS
GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL.

MY DAUGHTER'S A SENIOR --
TOP OF THE CLASS.

AND NEXT YEAR,
SHE'S OFF TO BROWN -- PRE-MED.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I CAN JUST SEE THAT YOU TWO
REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER.

AND THIS HOUSE WOULD
JUST MAKE A GREAT PLACE

TO START A LIFE.

[ As Alice ] HMM.
AN EVEN BETTER PLACE TO END ONE.

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

THAT'S -- THAT'S ALICE.

THAT'S TERRIFIC.
THAT'S FUNNY, ALICE.

ALICE, THESE ARE SOME PEOPLE
WHO MIGHT --

SORRY?

OH, THIS IS A GREAT PLACE
TO DIE.

DID ANYONE DISCLOSE TO YOU

THAT THE PREVIOUS OWNER --
POOR DON --

SPLATTERED HIS BRAINS
ALL OVER THE WALLS?

YES, THIS WAS THE HOUSE
HE ALWAYS WANTED TO DIE IN,

AND, BOY,
DID HE EVER DO IT.

I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU
FOR COMING HERE TODAY TO MOURN.

I KNOW THE FAMILY
WOULD APPRECIATE IT, TOO.

DON WAS A BEAUTIFUL MAN.

WE LOVED HIM SO.

What the hell
is going on here?

UH, THAT'S MY WIFE.
SHE'S ACTING A LITTLE GOOFY.

GOOFY? THERE'S NOTHING GOOFY
ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

IT'S TRAGIC,
IS WHAT IT IS.

SHAME ALL THE SUGARY
VANILLA SMELLS

CAN'T TAKE AWAY
THE STINK OF THE DEATH.

NO. NO,
THAT'S JUST BAKED IN.

Bev: WELL. TARA.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THIS IS WONDERFUL --
REALLY WONDERFUL.

JUST LOOK AT YOU.

I GUESS YOU ALREADY KNOW
WHO MIMI PARMETER IS, DON'T YOU?

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

MAX, WOULD YOU PLEASE
GET HER OUT OF HERE?

THESE PEOPLE
DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS.

OH. I UNDERSTAND.

MANNERS.

THINGS BETTER LEFT
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

HOWEVER, IF YOU CHECK
YOUR ETIQUETTE HANDBOOK,

AS I FREQUENTLY DO,
I THINK YOU'LL FIND

THAT MOST OF THE EXPERTS
AGREE --

A MOTHER SHOULD NEVER LIE
TO HER OWN CHILDREN.

MY DARLING, DO ME ONE FAVOR
WHEN YOU BECOME A PARENT.

DO NOT FOLLOW
IN THIS ONE'S EASY SPIRITS.

BECAUSE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW
WHAT'S REAL

AND WHAT'S A HORRIBLE
FUN-HOUSE MIRROR

MEANT TO CONFUSE
AND CONFOUND.

PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW.

Bev: THAT WAS
VERY, VERY RUDE, TARA.

Charmaine: STOP IT.
YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TARA.

I'M GOING HOME!

I'M SICK
OF ALL THIS CRAZINESS.

[ CAR DOORS CLOSE,
ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

TELL NICK TO GIVE ME A CALL.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE HOUSE.

WELL, MAX...

SHALL WE SPLIT A COOKIE?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I-I ACTUALLY LIKE
THE WORLD WAR I MUSEUM.

I...CAN NEVER
GO BACK THERE.

I'VE RUINED WORLD WAR I
FOR MYSELF.

I DON'T...

I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO BE GAY.

I-I USED TO THINK
THAT I WAS SOMETHING ELSE,

LIKE THEY'D MAKE
A WHOLE NEW CATEGORY FOR ME.

I LIKE GUYS, BUT...

I LIKE OLD FILMS
JUST AS MUCH.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO CALL THAT.

I THINK
IT'S STILL CALLED "GAY."

WHEN I WAS YOUNG,
CRUISING'S WHAT WE ALL DID.

I WAS SO FULL
OF SHAME AND ANGER.

MY THERAPIST
CALLED IT "SHANGER."

IS THAT WHAT
IT FEELS LIKE TO YOU?

UM,
I'D REALLY RATHER NOT

HAVE TO USE A WORD
CALLED "SHANGER."

WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
FALL IN LOVE, MARSHALL?

WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE 16
AND IN LOVE?

I MARCHED ON WASHINGTON AND
SHOPPED ON CHRISTOPHER STREET

SO YOU'D HAVE THE CHOICE
TO DO THAT

INSTEAD OF, YOU KNOW,
GOING TO THAT PARK

AND GETTING OFF
ON SERVICING STRANGERS.

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOUR PARENTS
ABOUT THIS, ALL RIGHT?

THANKS.

BUT, UM...

I ALSO THINK
THEY'D BE CREEPED OUT

IF I TOLD THEM
YOU WERE THERE.

SOUNDS LIKE A DEAL,
THEN.

SO,
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

[ As Tara ]
WHAT CAN WE DO?

CAN'T JUST SIT AROUND WAITING
FOR MOM NOT TO BE A LIAR.

I MEAN, SHE'LL SAY, "HEY,
I'M TELLING THE TRUTH NOW,"

AND SHE'LL STILL
BE LYING.

YOU STILL
LOOK LIKE ALICE.

BY THE WAY,
THANK HER FOR ME.

SHE SCARED THOSE PEOPLE
AWAY.

GUESS SHE WANTS ME
TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO YOU GUYS.

KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.

KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.

[ SIGHS ]

MIMI PARMETER.

WELL, AT LEAST
WE HAVE A LAST NAME.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I COULD FIND MIMI MYSELF.

OKAY.

HOW DO WE DO THAT?

"WE"?

I THINK SHE LIVED
IN A YELLOW HOUSE.

OKAY, WELL,
THAT NARROWS IT DOWN.

SO, YOU SHOULD GET
A MAP OF AMERICA,

AND I'LL GET
A COLOR WHEEL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

FANCY MEETING YOU HERE.

HEY, DO YOU KNOW
ANYONE WHO'S HAPPY?

NO.

DO YOU KNOW ANYONE
WHO'S IN LOVE?

MOM AND DAD, MAYBE?

YEAH.

AND THEY'RE MISERABLE.

BUT THEY CAN'T SURVIVE
WITHOUT EACH OTHER,

SO IT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE
IF THEY'RE IN LOVE OR NOT.

I'M GONNA HAVE
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

THEN GO FOR IT.

BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW,

EVERYBODY'S HOOKING UP
WITH EACH OTHER

BECAUSE
THEY WANT TO TAKE THINGS.

IT'S A CAR
OR...A TRAMPOLINE...

OR...HAPPINESS.

THEY'RE ALL THINGS.

EVERYONE'S A TAKER.

EVERYTHING'S A THING.

WHEN DID YOU
BECOME AN EXPERT?

I AM VERY WISE,
MARSHALL GAY HARDON.

I'M FULL OF WISDOM.

YOU WEARING EARRINGS
TO BED?

IT'S WHAT I'M DOING NOW,
YES.

MARSHALL'S DOWNSTAIRS,

AND I JUST DON'T WANT
TO FREAK THE KIDS OUT ANYMORE.

I WAS GONNA LET YOU
SLEEP UP HERE ANYWAY.

CLIMB ABOARD.

[ SIGHS ]

BIG MISTAKE.

PAMMY -- HUGE MISTAKE.

I KNOW.

I KNOW, HONEY.

THANKS TO MY FUCKING
FUCKED-UP CHILDHOOD,

ALL I DO ALL DAY
IS RUN AROUND BREAKING EGGS,

SO I CAN'T REALLY BLAME PEOPLE
FOR TRYING TO MAKE OMELETS.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU CAN BLAME ME
A LITTLE.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL BLAME YOU A LITTLE.

BUT I ALSO FORGIVE YOU.

REALLY?

YEAH.

I MEAN,
NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAN ME

WHAT PAMMY HAS TO OFFER TO
A SOUL IN A WEAKENED CONDITION.

AND LIFE IS LONG.

AND YOU'RE MY MAN.

[ SIGHS ]

I FORGIVE YOU.

[ As Buck ]
YOU FUCKED MY PAMMY!

YOU DO NOT GET AWAY WITH THAT,
MOTHERFUCKER!

BUCK! BUCK!
T-TARA FORGAVE ME.

SHE FORGAVE ME!
SHE FORGAVE ME!

WELL, GUESS WHAT.
I AIN'T TARA.

STOP IT!
STOP IT, BUCK!

GET OFF ME!

GET THE FUCK OFF ME!

[ SPITS ]

YOU BETTER NOT THINK
THIS IS OVER, MAX,

'CAUSE IT AIN'T.

I FUCKIN' LOVED HER,
MAN.

UGH!

* YOU HIT ME ONCE,
I HIT YOU BACK *

* YOU GAVE A KICK,
I GAVE A SLAP *

* YOU SMASHED A PLATE
OVER MY HEAD *

* THEN I SET FIRE TO OUR BED *

* OHHH *

* MY BLACK EYE CASTS NO SHADOW *

* YOUR RED EYE SEES NOTHING *

* YOUR SLAPS DON'T STICK,
YOUR KICKS DON'T HIT *

* SO WE REMAIN THE SAME *

* LOVE STICKS, SWEAT DRIPS *

* BREAK THE LOCK
IF IT DON'T FIT *

* YOU HIT ME ONCE,
I HIT YOU BACK *

* YOU GAVE A KICK,
I GAVE A SLAP *

* YOU SMASHED A PLATE
OVER MY HEAD *

* THEN I SET FIRE TO OUR BED *