United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 2, Episode 1 - Yes - full transcript

Something tells me
that my sister isn't home tonight.

That's T! Like the letter,
not the hot beverage.

Hello. I'm Alice.
I brought my cake.

- When's mom coming back?
- You aren't guarding your flower.

You mean a slut,
a girl who sucks and fucks?

I'm going to wash
your mouth out with soap.

I'm Buck,
and I will fuck you sideways.

Remember that chick I scored with?

Man, she was drunk as fuck,
but I didn't let that stop me.

'course, I got crabs.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hey, mom.



We want kids to move in with us.

Tara?

- What the fuck?
- I wet the fucking bed!

There may be a new alter.
It's animalistic.

Okay, you're making me sound
like an evil, Rabid Squirrel.

I'm gonna wait three dates
before I let a guy fuck me.

Nick Hurley, environmental lawyer,
with whom I have a date tonight.

This thing I have with your aunt...
Crazy real, you know?

Jason Maurio's auditioning?
I think he's nice.

You're marshall's BF.

- I'm not anybody's BF.
- You like girls?

The shed's on fire!

Sometimes, the strongest thing to do
is ask for help.

You can't get better
until you know what happened.



At boarding school, she had sex
with a guy she didn't want to do.

- His name is Trip Johanssen.
- I'm glad you called.

It's been troubling me.

See ya, T.

- You just called her "T."
- Tara was already a multiple.

What happened with Trip
wasn't what made Tara split?

I want to go home.

I forgive you, mom.

The kids are getting
pretty good at this.

They learned from Buck.

You know,

it could get worse
before it gets better.

I know.

United Team

Blackart

Browncoat

lafeelicita

salomon

valpi

2x01
Yes

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Are we sure they're all gone?

It's been three months.

I know I'm ready.

Something about this feels creepy
and clandestine.

That's what we do best, son.

How about we dump Alice first?

- Bonne chance, bitch.
- Let's do T next.

I'm sure that this will
clothe some lucky child.

Let's just do them all at once.
Let's just get this over with.

- Really?
- Yeah. Let's do it.

Bye.

Where'd that come from?

Are we sure this is a suicide?

I hardly knew this guy,
but I didn't think Hubbard was...

Why does this feel
like a small victory?

I bet everyone thought
I'd be the one to off myself.

Guess what, Oak avenue.

The lady with all personalities is not
the most fucked-up person on the block.

You are now.

I'm gonna run with it.
I'm gonna freak people out...

Dress like Napoleon,

- pee on everyone.
- Tara!

So not funny.

I went through
that phase in the '80s.

There's the body.

I don't wanna see it.

- Yes, I do. No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

I never even met this guy.

Maybe this is like some
sort of social wake-up call.

We should know our neighbors
a little better, right?

- Yeah, right. You're... Ted and...
- Ted Mayo.

- This is my partner, Hany.
- Hi.

We're the gays.
Everybody here knows that.

Yeah, we're the crazy family and I guess
everybody here knows that, too.

Pretty much, yes.

We should do brunch or dinner this week.
I haven't entertained in forever.

- Really? That'd be great.
- We'll bring the appetizers.

Don't touch my mise.
I have it how I like it.

That is some weird sausage, brother.

It's Lingui?a. It's wasted on you.

- How you feeling today?
- Great.

Can you pick up some flowers
for the neighbor dinner thing tonight?

Sure.

I love you guys so much.

It's so cool that we're having breakfast
together, just like old times.

Take your pinks and greens
and the little white one?

Yes, I did, lover.

And I'll let you know
if I experience dizziness

or the urge to operate
heavy machinery

- or vaginal dryness or...
- Mom.

Okay.

Just checking.

- Is Charmaine bringing Nick tonight?
- Yeah.

- She's in like, stage 3 of mantrapment.
- Are we supposed to pretend like her?

Ka... Put on legal pants.

Just because you graduated doesn't mean
you get to lay around the house

- all day.
- I'm not. I'm job-hunting.

By the way, high school was just
the easiest thing ever.

It was easier than those hygiene tests
we had to take at Barnabeez.

Wish you'd graduated in normal way. I
wanna see my first kid in cap and gown.

I'm sure you'll see Marshall
in a gown eventually.

Besides,
I'm still going to college next year.

- You think?
- You better.

Nice plating.

So little in life is beautiful.

Hey. Marshall.

You obviously belong over here,
babe...

In the fruit bowl,
with the rest of this kids.

- What?
- The fruit bowl?

The gayble?
You know, the gay table,

where we all sit?

Attention, students.
Pep rally is tomorrow.

I'm straight, but not narrow.

He's cute.

He has a great face... and eyes.

- He's almost like a Jonas.
- He's such a Jonas. Adorable.

I can't believe you wasted your time
chasing boring, straight Jason Maurio

when you could have one of us.

You should do the gay carnations
with us. My god. Shouldn't he?

What is that, even?

You know how every year,
they do that stupid sweetheart day,

where the popular kids send each
other carnations in homeroom?

Red for "Love", pink for "Like",
yellow for

"I jacked you off at church camp,
now I pretend like it never happened."

- They're reclaiming it.
- I'm petitioning student council

to do purple carnations
for sweetheart day.

I mean...

Why shouldn't we be able
to express our feelings?

Could just send red,

red for "Love".

Love is love.

Not according to the government,
Marshall.

When legislation colors us all the same,
we'll use the same color flowers.

- I'd rather just send red.
- Okay.

Send a red carnation
from your little closet.

My god. It's an apron.

People wear aprons
to protect their clothing.

Just 'cause I don't want to get
pot de cr?me all over my dress...

Hey, I was just checking.

I haven't transitioned in months,
for the record.

I never seen you wearing an apron before
and I never seen you making pot.

We've got to impress these people.
We need allies around here.

And if it takes me using
a small torch to accomplish that,

I will.

Did you like that song
from Slumdog Millionaire "jai ho"?

I did! I loved that!

If you like "jai ho",

you should hear Hany sing
some of his native songs.

- Gorgeous.
- Don't make me sing.

- Come on!
- I'm not singing.

- Come on.
- Yes, you are.

* And roll and push
and push and push and push. *

* Oh, yes, thank you for the clapping
to the sky, *

* to the sky, plant the seeds... *

Is this that thing where your sister...
turns?

No. Unfortunately, that's just her.

* and shuffle it... *

And... she's better now. That "thing"
that she has it's not hereditary.

It's...

It's caused by trauma.

You know, sexual trauma.

* You want to do it with me?
Do it, do it, do it *

* I am hot, hot, hot. *

- Okay, come on. Throttle down.
- Come on, everybody!

Just me.

I'm just pathological
about performing.

When I was a kid, I was
in the school agricultural pageant.

Shut up! This is Kansas!

Anyway, I played a soybean.

I didn't remember my lines,
and afterwards, my father...

My father, he goes...

"Teddy,"

"you're a disgrace."

Just like that.

How could you fuck up
playing a soybean?

Tara, what's wrong with you?

I'm just teasing.

Thank god for therapy, right?

Thank God for Shoshanna.

My therapist back in New York,
Dr. Shoshanna Schoenbaum.

She completely fixed me.

Can a person be fixed?

I mean, like a car or something?

She did her damnedest.

Is this serious enough?

What makes you assume
I'd know anything about fashion?

Touchy. Jesus. Change your tampon.
I was just asking a question.

It's very dark.
Thought you hated those boots.

Well, I still hate them,
but I think they look like spy boots.

You're really gonna be a spy?

It says "Capital", as in state capital,
and "Surveillance".

And when I called them today,
they seemed very secretive.

Why would they want a spy whose
only experience is in food service?

What are you gonna do,
spy on people with better jobs?

Tara, this is awesome.

Who knew so much fun
could come in such tiny cups?

And to think we get to enjoy
this exquisite Nespresso

because Hubbard decided
to blow his brains out.

It's so sad.

I love that house.

I heard a rumor,

that Hubbard tried
to slit his wrists first.

He dripped blood all over the house
before he finally went for the gun.

Does anyone wanna play
"Apples to Apples"?

The fun game of comparisons.

Hubbard did that?

And I heard
there were pills involved, too.

- I got Pictionary.
- Boring.

I guess he truly wanted to die,
you know?

I mean, you hear about people
attempting suicide as a cry for help,

but they never really intended
to kill themselves.

But Hubbard...

I mean, he...

Really wanted it to be over.

He couldn't stand
another minute of living.

Chinese checkers!

I got Chinese checkers.

Let's do it?

Hello, there.

I am Jarrett.

How can I help you?

I'm Kate Gregson.

Great.

Have you worked
in collections before?

Collecting what, exactly?

Debt collections.

This is a debt-collection agency.

I'll give you the grand tour.

We work on commission.

You get 5% of whatever you collect,
so you need to be money-motivated.

I suppose I am.

Can you get to "yes"?

Where?

I mean, are you persuasive?

Can you get people to say "yes"?

I'm a girl.

That's sort of what we do.

Good.

Do I need to take a piss test?

What you people don't understand
is that this isn't a gay thing.

- This is a human-rights thing.
- No one's denying you your rights.

You're free to send a flower
to whomever you want.

I would even describe this school
as left-leaning.

It seems to me
I hear more about your gay way

than I do about the regular students
around here.

I am a regular student.

What about all the prom bullshit
straight kids talk about for months?

First of all, watch your mouth
with the BS word.

Secondly, this whole conversation
feels inappropriate.

This is a high school,

not a demonstration in California.

No offense,
but I'm against gay marriage.

Okay, that's enough, Unique.

Lionel, if I were you,

I'd spend less time
playing these adult games

and more time being a child,

which you are. That's a no.

Hi, I'm Jana Hubbard,
Don Hubbard's sister.

Sorry.

- Please come in.
- Don't worry.

I'm just in from Florida,
taking care of the loose ends.

We had the wake today, so...

I heard.

I did want to ask you a favor,
if that's okay.

Sure.

Hey, what's up?

This is Mr. Hubbard's sister.

Anyway, I just packed up his stuff
so we could put the house on the market

as soon as they finish cleaning it.

I just wondered if you'd mind
keeping an eye on the house,

bring in the mail.

The keys.

There's one on there for the car too,
just in case.

Oh, the old Deville?

Will do, Jana.

Thanks so much.

I am not gonna miss
any of these people.

I ate lunch at the gay table today.

Don't draw in there.

Look! This guy's a freshman,
and he has a full mustache.

Did he eat too much hormone chicken?

That's Bill Fasano.
He's actually 20.

So, you ate at the gayble?

Oh, man, that is so not your style.

I don't know if it is or it isn't.

It isn't.

Hubbard's car is still out there.

Death car.

That Cadillac?

It's always been in that same spot.
I don't think he ever left the house.

Must have sucked to live like that,

hiding all these secrets.

Maybe he was happy that way.

Sure, Moosh.
Mr. Hubbard was happy as shit.

That's why he took poison,
slit his wrists, hung himself,

and then shot himself
while he was hanging.

Hey, guys.

Me and Mom, we're gonna go down
to Cat Five's for a couple beers, okay?

Hey, Dad?

Can you take me
to the greenhouse tomorrow morning?

Greenhouse?

- Why don't you have more champagne?
- I've already had, like...

No shit?

Is it a princess cut?

Oh, my God!

- Will you marry me?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Oh, my God!

We're supposed to watch over it?

This whole thing with Hubbard's house
is just bizarre!

I know, but we might as well
help his sister out.

Sounds like they got
their hands full over there.

Can you imagine if...

a member of our family...

- It would be Charmaine.
- Charmaine, probably.

No. We didn't say that.

They won't find a buyer. Not now.

We should buy that house, take out
a second, pick it up for nothing.

You do not want to buy Don Hubbard's
fortress of solitude.

Have you ever even been in there?

Yeah, I was in there once.
It's kind of retro, kind of cool.

I never went in.

Seriously, nobody's buying
houses right now.

You want to make a big,
reckless purchase?

Can I get you another beer?

Now, how could I say no to you?

- So that's a yes?
- That is a yes.

I'm fine. I'm on antipsychotics,
so I'm taking it slow.

She was totally feeling you!

Whatever. I'm here with my old lady.

Come on, let's buy this house!

It's something we could do together.
It'll be our baby.

I heard

that buying real estate
invigorates your sex life.

You heard that, huh? Really?

Here you go.

You're here late.

Where's your man?

I'm your man.

Can I get you something to drink?

What would you recommend?

How about a shot?

I'll have one if you have one.