United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 3 - Work - full transcript

Tara returns after her recent bout of being Alice but as usual, remembers nothing of what happened. She has a session with her psychiatrist, Dr. Ocean, and expresses her fears that husband, Max, may be more interested in the 'alters' that in her. Meanwhile, Marshall tries out for a role in the school production of Grease. He strikes a friendship with a fellow student, named Jason, on the stage crew and is invited to his school church club. It's not quite what Marshall expected. Also, Tara's sister, Charmaine, refers a friend, named Tiffany, who wants some interior design work done. But Tara is none too pleased when it becomes obvious that Charmaine told Tiffany about Tara's multi-personality disorder. Desperate to get out of the house (and away from Tara's alters), Kate takes a part-time job as a waitress at a family restaurant.

(Tara)
PREVIOUSLY, ON
UNITED STATES OF TARA...

LOOK, WE KNEW
WHEN YOU WENT OFF THE MEDS

THE WHOLE GANG
WOULD RESURFACE.

I HATE YOU
FOR NOT FUCKING ME.

I AM BUCK,
AND I WILL FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS.

WAIT.

I'M HAVING A MULTIPLE
PERSONALITY REUNION TOUR.

IT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME
TO SEE MY SISTER LIKE THAT.

IT'S NOT EVEN
A REAL DISEASE, MAX.

I THINK IT'S UNFAIR
THAT YOU GOTTA DO ALL THE WORK.

CAN'T TARA
DO SOME OF IT?



TOMORROW, I'M GONNA TALK
TO MARSY'S TEACHER.

WE'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT--
WE JUST THOUGHT
A MAN-TO-MAN THING

MIGHT BE THE WAY
TO PLAY THIS GUY.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

ROOM FOR ONE MORE?

OH, MY GOD.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
OH, PIFFLE.

YOU'RE PROMISCUOUS.
YOU AREN'T GUARDING YOUR FLOWER.

YOU MEAN A SLUT?

A GIRL WHO SUCKS
AND FUCKS?

I'M GOING TO WASH
YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP.

[muffled gasping]

HEY!

OH, GOD.
I WANT OUT.

ARE YOU HIRING?



I'D LIKE TO FILL OUT
AN APPLICATION.

I'M SORRY ABOUT ALICE,
BUT, HONEY, THAT'S CRAZY.

MAYBE FROM NOW ON, LET ME
DOLE OUT THE PUNISHMENT, OKAY?

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP.

DON'T YOU WANT
TO MAKE A BABY?

NO.

[whimsical melody]

* *

* OPEN UP THE SKY *

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH *

* IT'S WINDY
AND HER FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE
JUST FINE *

* WHEN WE LEARN
TO LOVE THE RIDE *

[rock melody]

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE *

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE
THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE *

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE
THE RIDE *

* GOOD MORNING, MY PRINCE *

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, ALICE?

I'VE BEEN READING A TASTEFUL
GUIDE TO THE FRENCH ARTS.

CHAPTER FIVE SAYS
"WAKE HIM WITH YOUR MOUTH."

THE FRENCH ARTS?

TIPS AND TRICKS
FOR THE MARRIAGE BED.

HOW KINKY.

IF THERE'S ONE THING
I'VE LEARNED

FROM YOUR CHILDREN
OVER THE YEARS,

IT'S THAT WHIPPED TOPPING
MAKES NOT SO YUMMY THINGS

TASTE YUMMIER.

CUT IT OUT, ALICE.

NO SEX.
NOT EVEN A BEEJ.

WELL, FORGIVE ME
FOR BEING A POUTY PATTY.

BUT I FEEL
VERY UNBECOMING RIGHT NOW.

OH, COME ON, ALICE.

WHAT THE DICKENS?

[breathes heavily]

WHY ARE WE EATING CEREAL
ON AN ALICE DAY?

YEAH, SHE WAS GONNA MAKE
MICKEY MOUSE PANCAKES.

HOW COME SHE'S NOT DOWN HERE
INFANTILIZING US LIKE USUAL?

ALICE ISN'T IN
A GREAT MOOD TODAY.

OH, I GET IT.

SHE HAD TO STRAP ON ONE OF THOSE
GIANT MAXI PADS SHE WEARS.

ALICE THINKS TAMPONS
ARE OF THE DEVIL.

SHE CALLS THEM
"SIN MISSILES."

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING TODAY?

I START WORK
AT BARNABEEZ, DAD.

TODAY, I GET TO SHADOW
ONE OF THE REGULAR BITCHES.

AND IF I DO A GOOD JOB,

I GET TO GO ON THE FLOOR
FOR REAL NEXT TIME.

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU GOT A JOB

WITHOUT DOING
AN INTERVIEW.

WHY?
LOOK AT ME.

YEAH, BUT YOU DO REALIZE
YOU NEED TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE

TO BE A WAITRESS?

I JUST THINK YOU'RE JEALOUS
BECAUSE I'M GONNA BE RICH,

AND YOU'RE STILL
GONNA BE WEARING CLOTHES

THAT MAKE YOU SMELL
LIKE MEEMAW.

VINTAGE.

HEY, DAD,
I HAVE AN AUDITION TODAY.

REALLY?

YOU MEAN
YOU'RE GOING TO TRYOUTS?

THIS ISN'T HOLLYWOOD, MARSH.

IT'S A HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION
OF GREASE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BE,
A PINK LADY?

I'M GOING FOR KENICKIE.

GOOD LUCK, SON.
MM-HMM.

WHY ARE WE EATING
THESE GHETTO, TORE-UP CHEERIOS?

I MEAN, THEY COME IN A BAG.

(Tara)
BECAUSE THE NON-GHETTO ONES
ARE $1.50 MORE

AND TASTE
EXACTLY THE SAME.

MOM?
ALMOST.

THANK CHRIST.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

A TOASTER WAFFLE?
SHOT OF PATRON?

[laughs]

I'M GOOD.

I JUST NEED SOME HELP...

JOINING THE DOTS.

* MY COUNTRY 'TIS TO THE *

* SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY *

* OF THEE I SING *

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE MOUNTING
SUCH A TRITE PRODUCTION.

I WANTED TO DO
NO EXIT.

EVEN SOMETHING MAINSTREAM,
LIKE MILLER,

OR, GOD FORBID, WILDER
WOULD BE PREFERABLE TO THIS.

SEX-CRAZED BOBBY SOXERS?

IT'S NOT EVEN GOOD
ON AN IRONIC LEVEL.

SO WHO DO YOU
WANT TO BE?

SANDY.

(man)
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NEXT.

(girl)
* AND I AM TELLING YOU... *

JASON MAURIO'S AUDITIONING?

NO WAY.
I THINK HE'S JUST ON CREW.

I ALWAYS ASSUMED
HE WAS DUMB,

YOU KNOW, BASED
ON THE WHOLE SANTANA FETISH.

BUT HIS TAKE ON RASHOMON
IN FILM CLASS LAST WEEK

WAS PRETTY GOOD.

I BET.

"DUH, IT WAS ALL, LIKE--
LIKE, BACKWARDS AND SHIT?"

I THINK HE'S NICE.

[loud, off-key singing]
* I DON'T WANNA BE FREE *

* I'M STAYIN' I'M STAYIN' *

* AND YOU AND YOU *

HEY.

* YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME *

* OH OOH OOH OOH *

WHY IS THERE LIPSTICK
ON THE DESSERT TOPPING?

OH, KATIE WAS HUFFING.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

THIS IS ALICE'S SHADE, MAX.
FIRE AND ICE.

I'D KNOW IT ANYWHERE.

I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO SCRUB
THE LIP PRINTS

OFF THE GIN
AND THE COOKING SHERRY,

AND EVERYTHING ELSE
SHE PRETENDS NOT TO DRINK.

ALICE TRIED TO GET
IN MY PANTS THIS MORNING.

[chuckles]

SO SHE'S USING PROPS NOW?

I DIDN'T TAKE THE BAIT,
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW.

HMM, I'M SURPRISED.

DON'T YOU HAVE KIND OF
A MOMMY BONER FOR ALICE?

SERIOUSLY, I DON'T FIND
ALICE ATTRACTIVE.

BUT YOU DO LOOK KIND OF HOT
IN THAT ONE THING SHE WEARS.

WHAT, THAT PSYCHO
PINAFORE THING

THAT MAKES HER LOOK LIKE

THE ROBOT GIRL
FROM SMALL WONDER?

IS THAT
WHAT YOU'RE INTO NOW?

YOU KNOW,

KIND OF CUTE
IN A RETRO WAY.

YOU WANNA FUCK ALICE.

[scoffs]
THAT'S MESSED UP.

WHO WOULD WANT TO FUCK
ALICE?

YOU'D HIT THAT.

I WOULD NOT HIT THAT.

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND...

YEAH?
PROVE IT.

GLADLY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING.

I'M JUST--I'M, YOU KNOW--
A LOT ON MY MIND.

I'M TIRED.

OH, OKAY.

NO, HEY.

NO, IT'S OKAY.
YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK ANYWAY.

I'VE GOTTA GET
TO THERAPY,

AND I'VE GOT THAT DESIGN CONSULT
WITH CHARMAINE'S NEW BOSS.

LET'S--CAN WE
TRY THIS LATER?

HOW'S THE NEW REGIME GOING?
OR LACK OF REGIME?

[laughs]
I SHOULD SAY.

IT'S FINE.

WELL, IT'S CHAOS.

BUT, UM, I STILL FEEL GOOD
ABOUT GOING OFF THE MEDS.

YOU DO?

WELL, IT SEEMED LIKE THERE WAS
NO ALTERNATIVE.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I WAS ON THE HALCYEM,

I COULDN'T EAT,
I COULDN'T PAINT,

I COULDN'T FUCK.

AND THE KIDS, HOW ARE--
HOW ARE THEY DOING?

THEY'RE GOOD, ACTUALLY.

I THINK THEY'RE
KIND OF RELIEVED.

[sighs]

I'M KINDA WORRIED
ABOUT MAX THOUGH.

YEAH.

THE ALTERS HAVE BEEN,
UH, WELL...

COMING ON TO HIM.

REALLY?

ALICE WANTS ME TO GET
HER PREGNANT AND HAVE A BABY.

ALICE IS THE ONE
THAT'S REALLY OLD SCHOOL?

YEAH.

HEY, HAVE YOU EVER
WANTED TO FUCK THE DUDE?

BUCK?
NO, FUCK YOU.

[laughs]

ALL RIGHT,
WELL, LOOK.

IF ALICE HAS A BABY,
THAT'S A REAL BABY.

LIKE, YOU HAVE
TO TAKE CARE OF IT.

IT'S NOT SOME, LIKE,

IMAGINARY BABY THAT JUST
COMES AND GOES, RIGHT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT'S WEIRD.
I'M NOT DOING IT.

HE MADE OUT WITH T, AND THEN
STOPPED HIMSELF, LUCKILY.

AND THEN ALICE CAME AT HIM
WITH A CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM.

HE SAYS HE RESPECTS
OUR ARRANGEMENT,

AND DIDN'T SLEEP WITH THEM,
BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK HE'S TEMPTED.

AND YET, THIS MORNING,
WHEN I INITIATED SEX,

HE COULDN'T GET HARD.

SO AM I ONLY HOT
WHEN I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON?

I MEAN...

HOW INSULTING IS THAT?

WELL, PEOPLE DESIRE
WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE.

HE CAN HAVE ME.

HE CAN'T HAVE
ALL OF YOU.

THE ALTERS?

[laughs]

THEY'RE NOT ME.

I ENVY YOUR SEX LIFE, DUDE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU GOT
ONE OF THOSE

THREE-PACKS OF CEREAL.

YOU GET, LIKE, A FRUIT LOOP,
AND A HONEY SMACK.

YOU JUST DUMP THE MILK
IN THE BOX,

AND THEN CHUCK THE ONES
YOU DON'T LIKE.

YEAH, WELL,
I AIN'T CHUCKIN' ANYONE.

BUT I'M NOT EATING
THAT MUCH CEREAL.

HOW IS THAT
EVEN POSSIBLE?

HI!

TIFFANY SAINT JOHN,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME TIFF.

RUBEN, CLAY,

GET OFF HER. OFF.

COME HERE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.

TARA.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

THESE ARE THE KIDS.
COME ON IN.

OH, YOU ARE A BAD BOY.

GREAT SPACE.

OH, THANKS.

JUST GOT US A LITTLE SOMETHING
FOR US GIRLS TO NIBBLE ON.

YEAH, SO, UH,
YOU WORK WITH MY SISTER?

WELL, NOT SO MUCH WORK
AS A WAY OF LIFE.

I'VE BEEN A PART
OF THE VITA-SELF TEAM

SINCE I GRADUATED
SIX YEARS AGO.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

CHARMAINE'S ENJOYING IT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, SHE IS REALLY
GROWING AS A REPRESENTATIVE.

NOW, IMPORTANT THINGS.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU TO DRINK?

CAB SAUV, WHITE ZIN?

IT'S NEVER
TOO EARLY FOR ME.

UH, NO, JUST, UH,
SOME WATER FOR ME IS FINE.

OKAY.

I JUST GOT THESE
NEW STEMLESS GOBLETS.

SO MODERN, RIGHT?

I JUST THINK THE REGULAR KIND
ARE SO STUFFY.

OKAY.

UH, SO YOU KNOW,
I COULD START BY SHOWING YOU

SOME OF THE MURALS
I'VE DONE RECENTLY.

SAW YOUR WEBSITE ALREADY.

I'M IN LOVE.

LET'S JUST DIVE IN
AND TALK CONCEPT.

HOW DO YOU SEE ME?

WELL, I JUST--
I JUST MET YOU, SO...

YEAH, BUT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

I'M, LIKE,
A PRETTY EASY TELL, RIGHT?

YOUNG, PROFESSIONAL
SINGLE GAL.

A LITTLE BIT CRAZY.
SORRY.

WHAT?

NOTHING, NOTHING.

UM, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M THINKING IS?

TELL ME
IF I'M WRONG HERE.

SOMETHING EXOTIC.

YOU KNOW,
I WANT SOMETHING

THAT SAYS "THIS IS NOT A CONDO
IN OVERLAND PARK, KANSAS.

THIS IS A CONDO
IN GUATEMALA."

[laughter]

IS THAT--
I'M A FREAK, RIGHT?

NO, NO, I LOVE
THE HACIENDA LOOK.

IT'S, UM--

YEAH, A STREET SCENE,

MAYBE THROW IN
A COUPLE BROWN BABIES,

NOW YOU'RE TALKIN'.

SALUD!

HI, I'M KATE.

I'M THE NEW SERVER.

I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE TRAINING TODAY.

OKAY, I'M TONYA.

GENE.

GENE'S GONNA LOVE YOU.

REALLY?

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

GENE STEWART,
GENERAL MANAGER.

WE'RE GLAD TO HAVE YOU
AS A PROBATIONARY MEMBER

OF THE BARNABEEZ FAMILY.

HI!

AND THANKS FOR COMING IN
ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
I AM TOTALLY PSYCHED.

COME ON,
WE'LL START THE TOUR.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GET RID OF THIS

BEFORE I LET YOU
ON THE FLOOR.

THIS IS A FAMILY RESTAURANT,

NOT A, UH,
ROCK RECORD STORE.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

YO.

HOW WAS, UM,
YOUR NEW JOB?

AWESOME.

HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ORDER
THE SALAD AT BARNABEEZ,

IT'S ACTUALLY NOT
HARD-BOILED EGG?

IT'S THIS TUBE OF EGG-COLORED
STUFF CALLED EGGULAR.

OH, AND THEY ALSO REFILL
ALL THE CONDIMENTS

WITH GENERIC
INSTEAD OF HEINZ.

AND THEY REUSE
THE BREADSTICKS.

BUT IT'S COOL.

DID YOU KNOW ON A SATURDAY
YOU COULD MAKE $200?

WHAT PRICE
DIGNITY?

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

HEY, HONEY.
HEY.

IS THAT THE NEW THINGIE?

YEAH, THE CONSULT
WENT GREAT.

CHARMAINE ACTUALLY DID ME
A FAVOR FOR ONCE.

IT'S A MURAL TOO,
NOT SOME BORING BATHROOM JOB.

ARTSY.

MM-HMM.

I HAD THIS WEIRD FEELING
THOUGH TODAY,

LIKE MAYBE CHARMAINE
TOLD THIS TIFFANY WOMAN

ABOUT ME AND MY THING.

CHARMIE SAYS SHE DIDN'T, BUT...

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I THINK WE NEED
NEW WINE GLASSES.

WHOA, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TRYING TO GET LAID.

I'M SORRY.

I HAVE TO GET
THESE CONCEPTS MARKED UP.

I'M ACTUALLY BEING PRODUCTIVE
HERE FOR ONCE.

I'M PRODUCTIVE.
DO ME.

HONEY, I'M IN THE ZONE
RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS KINDA
WHAT I NEED, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, A CHANCE TO SHOW
THAT I CAN BE FUNCTIONAL,

AND CREATE,

AND CONTRIBUTE SOMETHING
OFF MY MEDS.

OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU SPACE.

THANKS.

GO.

HEY.

YEAH?

YOU, ME, TOMORROW NIGHT.

I MIGHT EVEN BRING
SOME PROPS.

TOMORROW NIGHT.

SHIT.

HEY.

OH, HEY, MAN.

I WAS WONDERING
WHICH YOU LIKED BETTER,

ABRAXAS OR MOONFLOWER?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SANTANA.

I WONDERED WHICH ALBUM
YOU LIKE BETTER?

I KNOW MOST FANS
ARE PRETTY DIVIDED.

I KNOW I AM.

OH.

OH, 'CAUSE OF THE T-SHIRT
I WAS WEARING YESTERDAY?

YOU KNOW, MAN, I DON'T
REALLY KNOW ANY SANTANA MUSIC.

MY DAD JUST PICKED IT UP
FOR ME AT A CONCERT.

IT'S COMFORTABLE, SO I...

OH.

BUT, HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN PLAY ME
SOME OF THEIR STUFF SOMETIME?

SURE.

SO, UH, YOU TRYING OUT
FOR THIS, OR--

ME? NO.

NO, I DO A.V.

LIGHTING AND DESIGN.
THAT SORT OF THING.

BESIDES,
GREASE IS SO LAME.

IT'S SO GAY, RIGHT?

[nervous laughter]

YOU KNOW, I--
I'M WORKING ON THIS...

EXPERIMENTAL THEATRE THING
RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE STILL CASTING.
YOU SHOULD COME CHECK IT OUT.

EXPERIMENTAL?
YEAH.

IT'S PRETTY CUTTING EDGE.

YOU DON'T SEE STUFF LIKE THIS
IN OVERLAND PARK THAT OFTEN.

COOL.

YOU KNOW
REDEEMER FREE CHURCH?

THE HUGE THING
OFF THE HIGHWAY 4?

THAT'S WHERE WE MEET.
COME AROUND 8:00?

YEAH.
SO...YEAH.

SHOULD I BRING ANYTHING,
LIKE MOVEMENT CLOTHING?

NAH, JUST YOUR BAD SELF.

JUST MY BAD SELF.

[bell rings]

SO THIS PART HERE,
THE WATER,

UH, WOULD HAVE KIND OF
A TROMPE L'OEIL TYPE FEEL.

OH, LIKE A FAUX FINISH.

KIND OF, YEAH.

LIKE, UH, GIVES YOU
THE ILLUSION OF DEPTH.

OH, I NEED THAT!

OH, I LOVE IT.
I LOVE IT!

I GOTTA SAY, TARA.
I AM IMPRESSED.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I KNOW
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT.

BUT AS THEY SAY
AT VITA-SELF,

YOU'VE REALLY
POWERJAMMED IT.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'VE CONQUERED IT

WITH YOUR CREATIVITY
AND YOUR TALENT.

WHAT ARE YOU REFERRING TO?

OH, UM, I KNOW ABOUT THE--
THE MPD.

THE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES.

UM, MY COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND
FROM COLLEGE HAS IT,

SO I TOTALLY KNOW
ALL ABOUT IT.

IT'S D.I.D., ACTUALLY.

THEY RECLASSIFIED IT.

YOU KNOW,
THE WEIRD THING IS,

IS, LIKE, I KINDA FEEL
LIKE EVERYONE HAS IT,

YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE BIT.

IT'S LIKE,
OVER THE COURSE OF A DAY,

HOW MANY DIFFERENT WOMEN
DO WE HAVE TO BE?

YOU KNOW,
THE WORK TIFFANY,

OR SEXY TIFFANY,
OR DOG OWNER TIFFANY?

YOU KNOW,
IT'S HARD, RIGHT?

[door opens]

HEY, YOU GUYS.

OH, HEY!

[dog barks]

TARA.

OH, UH, TIFFANY,

I JUST WANTED TO DROP OFF
THE SALES REPORTS

FROM LAST WEEK.

YEAH, YOU CAN JUST PUT THEM OVER
THERE, SWEETIE, THANKS.

CHARMAINE,
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

SURE.

YOU TOLD HER?

IT WAS A TEAM
TRUST BUILDING EXERCISE, OKAY?

I MEAN, IT WAS INTENSE.

WE WERE ASKED TO SHARE
OUR GREATEST TRIBULATION.

YOUR GREATEST TRIBULATION,
NOT MINE.

YOU HAD NO RIGHT.
IT WAS PRIVATE
AND INTIMATE.

MY TEAM LEADER WAS TALKING ABOUT
HIS ASS CANCER, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

I'M LIKE ASS CANCER
TO YOU?

[knocks]
NO.

HEY, GUYS.

LOOK, I DID NOT MEAN
TO CAUSE TROUBLE.

I AM SO SORRY.
I WAS JUST--I WAS CURIOUS.

BUT, TARA, I WANT YOU
TO KNOW SOMETHING.

I LIVE MY LIFE

BY CERTAIN CREDOS.

NO CROSS TALK
AND NO JUDGMENT, ALL RIGHT?

SO YOU CAN TRUST ME.

FINE.

OKAY.

I WAS MOLESTED.

OH, MY GOD.

YEAH, I KNOW.

OH, MY GOD.

I'M STRONGER FOR IT.

I'M ACTUALLY GLAD IT HAPPENED,
IN A WAY.

SO YESTERDAY WE TALKED
ABOUT CONDUCT AND HYGIENE.

TODAY, WE GET DOWN
TO BUSINESS.

NOW, BEFORE YOU
SHADOW TONYA,

I WANT TO SHOW YOU
A FEW LAST-MINUTE

THINGS ABOUT OUR KITCHEN.

THAT'S GRAMBO.
HE HAS A GLASS EYE.

NOW HERE'S AN AREA OF INTEREST
FOR ALL SERVERS.

THIS IS
THE PIZZAZZING STATION.

THIS IS THE LAST STOP

FOR EACH ORDER
BEFORE IT GOES TO THE CUSTOMER.

NOW, IT'S YOUR JOB, KATE,

TO PIZZAZZ IT UP.

THIS CHART SHOWS
WHAT 'ZAZZ GOES WHERE.

LIKE IT SAYS
IN YOUR PACKET,

IT'S THE LITTLE DEETS
THAT MAKE A BIG DIFF.

OKAY.

[percussive music]

* *

* I'VE BEEN WAITING
IN THE CORNER *

* I'VE BEEN SNEAKING
DOWN THE HALLWAY *
SHIT.

* I'VE BEEN TAKING
ALL THE POTIONS *

* GET MY SHARE OF EVERY ONE *

* GET MY SHARE OF EVERY ONE *

* I GET MY SHARE
OF EVERY ONE *

* *

KATE, GREAT JOB TODAY.
CAN I SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE?

HERE'S MY OFFICE,

IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN UPPER MANAGEMENT SOMEDAY.

AS YOU CAN SEE,
LIFE IS PRETTY SWEET.

OH.

THAT'S ME
WITH DON DOKKEN.

WOW.

WHEN THEY COME
THROUGH OVERLAND PARK,

THEY WANT TO EAT
AT BARNABEEZ.

REALLY?

LIKE, WHO'S THE MOST FAMOUS
PERSON THAT YOU'VE SEEN?

THERE'S SOMETHING I LIKE
TO SHOW EVERY NEW EMPLOYEE.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

YOU MIGHT HAVE ALREADY HEARD
THIS ABOUT ME,

BUT I USED TO WORK
AT THE GROUND ZERO BARNABEEZ.

WHAT?

THE LOWER MANHATTAN FRANCHISE.

IT WAS A BLOCK,
MAYBE TWO, THREE BLOCKS

FROM THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.

I WAS THE, UH, ASSISTANT MANAGER
THERE FOR A YEAR.

THEN, UH--

THEN SHIT GOT REAL.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

IT WAS HORRIFYING.

I WAS IN THE FLORIDA PANHANDLE
WHEN I GOT THE CALL.

I WAS VISITING
A BUDDY OF MINE

FROM RESTAURANT
MANAGEMENT SCHOOL.

SOMEONE WAS ABLE
TO GRAB THIS FOR ME.

SO WHAT, DID, LIKE, ANYONE
FROM THE RESTAURANT DIE?

SURE AS HELL COULD HAVE.

LOOK...

I KNOW I MIGHT SEEM
LIKE A REAL TASK MASTER,

BUT THAT'S PART
OF MY CAREER.

I WORK HARD,
AND I PLAY HARD.

NOW, IF YOU EVER
NEED ANYTHING,

OR YOU, I DON'T KNOW,
JUST WANT TO RAP,

LET ME KNOW.

SHIT, UH,
THAT WAS MY LAST MATCH.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO MONKEYFUCK.

[light acoustic music]

* *

TARA, I BELIEVE
WE HAVE A DATE.

HELL HOUSE?

IS THAT THE NAME
OF THE PLAY OR SOMETHING?

OH, MY GOD,
I'VE HEARD OF THESE.

HELL HOUSES.

THEY'RE LIKE HAUNTED HOUSES,

EXCEPT THEY'RE RUN
BY A CHURCH,

AND INSTEAD OF DRACULA,
AND MONSTERS, AND SHIT,

IT'S ALL FREAKY
JESUSY STUFF.

IT'S HOMOPHOBIC
AND ANTI-FEMINIST,

AND IT'S NOT THEATRE.

I--UGH,
I'M OUTTA HERE.

WAIT, COULD WE NOT JUMP
TO CONCLUSIONS

FOR FIVE MINUTES?

HEY.

THANKS FOR COMING.
HI.

HEY, MAN.

UH, IS THIS
A RELIGIOUS THING?

TECHNICALLY, YES.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU'RE CHRISTIAN.

IT'S ACTING.

IT'S WAY MORE HARDCORE
THAN ANYTHING

YOU GET TO DO IN SCHOOL.

I GUESS.

HEY, YOU CAN TRUST ME.

ARE YOU COOL
WITH TAKING OFF YOUR SHIRT?

WE NEED AN AIDS PATIENT
BEING FLOGGED IN HELL.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, BUCK?

UH, I THINK YOUR OLD LADY
GOT A LITTLE GUN SHY.

WHY'S THAT?

NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS
IN THE BEDROOM BEFORE.

THAT'S THE ONE PLACE
WE'RE NOT FUCKED UP.

WELL, TARA THINKS YOU WANT
TO GET BUSY WITH THE ALTERS.

T AND ALICE, I MEAN.
NOT ME.

WE KNOW
YOU AIN'T NO HOMO.

ANYWAY, SHE THINKS
YOU BEEN BANGIN' HER

WHILE SHE WASN'T HER,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH.

IT'S TOUGH.

BECAUSE I JUST WANT TARA.

I UNDERSTAND
WHY SHE DOESN'T WANT ME

TO SLEEP
WITH THE ALTERS.

SHE'S NOT EVEN CONSCIOUS.

OH, HELL.
IT AIN'T ALL THAT BAD.

IF I WERE YOU,
I'D TAKE FAIR ADVANTAGE

OF THE SITUATION.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH, REMEMBER THAT CHICK
I SCORED WITH LAST YEAR?

RUNS THE, UH--THE SNACK BAR
DOWN AT THE BOWLING ALLEY?

MAN, SHE WAS DRUNK AS FUCK,

BUT I DIDN'T
LET THAT STOP ME.

OF COURSE,
I GOT CRABS.

YEAH, I REMEMBER.

WE'RE MEN, YOU KNOW?

WE JUST NEED
TO STICK IT IN SOMEWHERE.

LADIES ARE DIFFERENT.
THEY GOT HIGHS AND LOWS.

YOU JUST GOTTA RIDE
THE LIGHTNING.

[clears throat]

I GUESS.

ME, I TAKE IT
WHERE I CAN GET IT.

IF I HADN'T HAVE GOT
MY DICK BLOWN OFF IN 'NAM,

I'D BE
GETTIN' IT REGULAR.

YOU WEREN'T IN 'NAM.

YOU'RE ON THIN ICE, MAXIE.

NOW WHAT YOU WANNA WATCH
ON THE IDIOT BOX?

WE GOT UFC OR PORN.

UH, PORN, I GUESS.

WHAT KIND?

I GOT BIG GIRLS,
BLACK GIRLS,

BIG BLACK GIRLS,

AMPUTEES.
AMATEURS.

HECK, AIN'T WE ALL?

WOW.

THE SHORT AND CURLIES
ON A FINE FILLY.

LOOK AT THESE
BIG GIANT TITTIES.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT.

IS THAT REAL?
JUICIEST JUGS.

THIS BITCH IS COOL.

OH, MY GOD.
THAT THERE IS A GOLDEN SHOWER.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

[laughter]

WHERE DO YOU GET
THIS STUFF?

* GOD THROWS DARTS
AT STARS IN THE NIGHT *

* I HAD A KITE *

* YOU HAD A TRAMPOLINE *

* AND A BMX BIKE *

* YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE *

Captioning by CaptionMax
www.captionmax.com

* *

* I DON'T WANT TO SAY *

* IT'S BREAKING MY HEART *

* BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHERE TO START *

* OLD FRIENDS
ARE FALLING APART *

* AND TIME *

* LIKE A NAME ON MY MIND *

* COVER THEM BOTH IN WINE *

* I MISS THE STRAIGHT,
STRAIGHT LINES *